You're walking down the street when music begins playing from seemingly nowhere. The tune really makes you want to smile for some reason, but you resist the urge. Pinkie trots down the street going the opposite direction than you and waves at you while bouncing to the beat. You wave back and she continues past you. Pinkie is such a great mare.
...
Absolutely nothing like the mare you're going to see.
You approach a small blue house with tons of trash scattered around the front yard. This is the home of your best friend Berry Punch. She's an alright mare, but the only problem is...
You open the door and she immediately lunges at you, yelling in your face, "Oh sweetums, you're home! There's a viscous looking rabbit in the corner who keeps asking for my bits!"
She's kinda become borderline insane.
After some legalities with the near communist friendship leader Princess Celestia, you've been given the task of taking care of her during her recovery. It's not like it was your fault she fell out of that tree you told her to climb. Anyway, now by law you have to come over to watch her so she doesn't hang herself with a jump rope or something. Sad thing is, that almost happened once. Left her alone in the park once for a few seconds while she played jump rope to go piss behind a tree. Came back out to see her hanging from a branch ten feet in the air and flailing her limbs.
Berry yells, drawing your mind back to the present. "Kill it!"
You look inside the house and see a dead raccoon.
“Oh gross...”
You take a closer look and notice something is a bit off about it. When you walk closer and lean in a bit, you see that carved into its back is what appears to be a shopping list.
“Oh my god... Berry, did you buy eggs and cheese at the market today?”
She puts a hoof on her chin and scrunches her face for a few seconds. "Um... Yeah I did. Why?"
You pick up the raccoon by the tail and show her.
Her face lights up with excitement. "My shopping list! Thanks for finding it, honey!"
She grabs it by the mouth and brings it back over to the spot you picked it up from. She immediately looks confused.
"Now... Where did I put that list?"
She begins looking around in circles right next to her body. As she does this, you look behind her and see twelve cartons of eggs and three huge rotten wheels of cheese. Her eyes wander back to the corner.
"AHHHH, ANON KILL IT!"
You punch the dead raccoon and shake your head.
“There you go! Dead as it already was! Now let's get you out of here.”
She smiles and turns toward the door. "Oh great! I needed to go to the market for something anyways."
You scoop her up into your arms and leave the house, slamming the door behind you. Twilight is walking past after you exit Berry's house. She smiles once seeing the two of you, coming closer for greetings.
“Hello Anon, Berry. How are you both?”
Berry screams. "Hello Twilight! Nice day it is!"
Both Twilight and you wince at the loudness in her voice.
“Don't you think it's a nice day?!”
She continues to yell even though you're both right next to her, "Can't you hear me?!"
Berry cups her hooves to her mouth, making what she is saying even louder than it already was.
"I SAID NICE WEATHER WE'RE HAVING!"
Twilight yells back at her, "Okay, Berry! Okay!"
Berry's ears go flat and she gives Twilight a confused look as she responds, "I don't see why you have to be so loud, Twilight. That hurts my ears."
Twilight, unable to deal with anymore of Berry's shit, decides the best course of action in this scenario would be to just walk away. And so she did. You glare down at Berry.
“Why do you always do this shit?”
Berry doesn't even acknowledge your existence, she simply stares forward. You follow her vision to Sugar Cube Corner.
You ask, “Are you hungry?”
She nods and speaks while still keeping her eyes locked on the building, “Potato salad.”
“God damn it Berry.”
You walk into Sugar Cube Corner while still holding Berry in your arms. The first thing there is the long line to order, so you stay put. As you're standing in line, minding your own business, some bitch in front of you lets a few of her friends that come in stand next to her. The mark on her ass tells you that it's Daisy.
Alright Anon. All you have to do is tell her that she's done something wrong in a way that doesn't make you seem like a dick.
“Hey Daisy, that's not cool. We were waiting here behind you.”
Daisy, being the kind and understanding lass she is, replies with, "How about you just mind your own business? Besides, I don't see you with anypony else."
You lift Berry a few inches up to show Daisy that her existence is not a part of your imagination.
She only gets angry and snaps back at you, "Like I said, I don't see anypony else with you. So you better step off me."
“Now wait just-”
Berry cuts you off with an angry tone, "That's not very nice, flower mare."
Okay, so the insane chick wants to take the wheel here.
Daisy smirks. “And just what are you going to do about it?”
Berry casually opens her mouth and projectile vomit shoots out, splashing against the three of them. They run out screaming and the rest of the ponies in line look back. Berry wipes her mouth slowly. All of the ponies in line move aside, allowing you access to the front.
Well shit. Maybe you should let the insane one take control of more situations.
You walk up to the counter and ding the little bell. Pinkie suddenly pops her head up from behind the counter, smiling like crazy.
"Hey Berrymous! How are you?"
“That's neither of our names, good, and I would like three donuts.”
Berry hiccups, "Make that a goose and we've got ten pickles."
You lightly shake your head and Pinkie zooms away from the counter.
Berry suddenly makes a strange noise and you look down at her. Her face is extremely strained as she closes her eyes. The pigment on her face becomes a few shades darker and you turn her around in your arms to see her better.
“Berry, what are you doing?”
She opens one eye and looks up at you. “Don't breathe. We're in space.”
“We're not in space, Berry.”
She shouts very loudly, “WE'RE NOT?!”
Everyone in the room looks over at you. Pinkie comes back and notices everyone staring. She then copies them, bulging her eyes out to comical proportions and breaking the laws of physics. You groan and snap your fingers in front of her super extended eyes, making them pop back into her head. She shakes her head like a wet dog and then pulls up a bag.
“Well, here's everything you ordered, Anon Punch!"
“Stop that.”
“Stop what, Annyberry?”
“Stop combining our names right now or I'm going to hit you in the face.”
"Whatever you say, Bernonomy! Whatever you say."
You grab the bag and turn around, groaning to yourself. Berry reaches into the bag after you exit the shop and gasps. You look down and see she holds a lifeless goose in her hooves. There's already a bite mark out of it and blood on the corners of her mouth.
"This donut tastes funny Anon."
“Oh for the love of fuck, I thought Pinkie didn't hear you...”
You snatch it away from her and throw it into a trash bin as you pass it, then grab a real donut from the bag and hand it to her.
She beams up at you. "Thank you beautiful."
“Shut up Berry.”
"I love you too."
She digs into her meal as you continue walking, just hoping something else to do pops in your mind. Suddenly, the world turns ninety degrees and the back of your head is greeted by the not-so-soft ground. Berry, having pushed you there, is now sitting on your chest happily eating the donut.
She swallows the entirety of the donut and looks at you. "Sorry, I had an itch. Hey Anon, how does it feel when I do this?"
With a swift and unexpected movement, she slides off your pants and wraps her lips around your dick.
“Holy shit Berry what are you doing?!”
You push her off you and glare at her.
“What the fuck is your problem today, Berry?!”
She stares up at you with tears streaming down her face.
"Do... Do you love me?"
Okay. Due to her current mental capacity, it's very unlikely that she will remember what you're about to say next. If you lie and say yes, she probably won't scream and flail her limbs like an asshat. But if you say no, that's exactly what is going to happen.
“Yes.”
She smiles happily and looks over toward the park nearby. "Can we go to the playground again?"
Thank goodness.
“Sure.”
You rise to your feet, pull up your pants, and pick her up with the bag of donuts. Peering into the bag, you see that the last donut had been smashed when you were dropped like a twig by Berry. You throw it in the trashcan by the park and set Berry down.
“Berry, the sun is going to set soon. After this, we're going home.”
She nods and then rushes over to the swings where other fillies and colts play. She jumps up on a swing and then flails her legs trying to push herself. After only a few minutes of the awkward limb spasms, she has successfully scared off the entirety of the children there before.
“Anon! Pushy pushy!”
You walk over to her and cross your arms.
“That's not how you ask.”
She pulls out a monocle and top hat from seemingly nowhere and puts both of them on.
“Excuse me dear sir, could you help a fine lass such as myself get some velocity on this swing?”
You stand there completely dumbfounded at her actual understanding of language.
Wait! If she's talking like that, that means she can handle herself! Now you won't have to watch her anymore!
The monocle and top hat fall off and she gives you a goofy smile.
“Ten or seventeen tacos, please!”
Never mind...
You grab hold of the chains on the swing and pull back a little bit. Berry giggles in anticipation of being released at such a high place. Once you've got her up to as high as it would be safe to swing, you let her go. She grips the swing as if she's going to die, but her face shows nothing of the sort. She's completely happy, laughing and giggling as she comes back to you. You decide to give her a push when she comes back down and her laughter gets incredibly loud as she swings away from you.
“Anon, look at me! No hooves!”
She puts her hooves up as she reaches the peak of the swing forward.
“Berry, no!”
Velocity does its job, putting Berry high up in the air in front of the swing.
“Oh shit!”
You quickly run over in front of her and put your hands out to try catching her.
She smacks head first against the slide six feet away from you. This is why you don't play sports.
You rush over to her motionless body and check her pulse and breathing pattern. Thankfully, she's only unconscious and has minimal forehead damage despite falling so far.
You scoop her up into your arms and look around the park. Good, no witnesses. That could have been ugly. You begin to walk her back to your house. Like hell you're going to let her sleep in that roach infested hellhole she calls home. As you walk out of the park, a familiar tan pony with a swirly blue and pink mane spots you. Bon Bon trots over, looking a little worried as she sees Berry with a bruise on her head.
"Hey Anon, what happened to Berry?"
“Oh, she just tired herself out at the park. You know how life is for her now.”
“Oh, alright. I thought something really bad had happened.”
You raise an eyebrow a little at her.
“Like what?”
She looks at Berry and then up at you.
“Well, it's kinda suspicious that you're carrying her unconscious body from the park which has absolutely nopony to witness anything.”
Berry turns in your arms.
“Bollocks to the rules, Dr. Princess Celery. Flowering tarantulas are the only way to live...”
She then goes limp and starts snoring. Both you and Bon Bon smile a little at her childlike behavior. Bon Bon then puts a hoof on your leg and trots past you.
“I've got to get going now, take care you two!”
“See ya!”
Why did she say you two? It's not like Berry can hear her.
“You too Bonny!”
You jump in sheer terror for the split second that Berry's voice hits your ears.
“Holy shit, when did you wake up?”
You look down at her and see that she's fast asleep, even snoring.
“Okay then...”
The walk to your house is a long and quiet one, occasionally interrupted by the assault on the Emperor Pickle or Poneroy Jenkins screeching before entering battle. Berry sure has some strange dreams. You enter your house and close the door behind you. Heading into your room, you set her on the bed in a curled up position. You then get into it on the other side and face away from her.
“Goodnight Anon...”
You turn to her.
“Night Ber-”
She's sprawled out on her back with her mouth hanging open and drool running down the side of her face. Her ear flicks and her snout scrunches up a little bit as she yawns.
Life with her wouldn't be too bad if she was always like this. So cute...
Her leg suddenly twitches and a barrage of farts explodes out of her posterior. You grab the pillow and throw your face into it to avoid dying in the noxious gas.
Fucking Berry.
Author's Note
Be warned. Strong toilet humor and cheesy jokes ahead.
The sweet smell of smoke wakes you from your peaceful slumber.
...smoke?
You quickly jump up and look to the side to see that Berry is gone.
“SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!”
Good going. You've let the insane one out of your sight.
You run down the stairs and into the kitchen where you see Berry cooking a whole bag of flour on the bare stove top. The bag is on fire, the counter is on fire, hell the sink is even on fire, but she is completely fine somehow. Fire is a few feet in the air above the stove, almost lighting the cabinets there on fire as well. Berry has a chef's hat on and she turns to you when you enter. She wears half a handlebar mustache on her forehead, the other half most likely burned off.
She raises a spatula that has been melted to the point that it looks like a big spoon and attempts a French accent, "Wee wee! Ze food has been zerved!"
Without even thinking about responding to her, you rush in and swoop her away from there. Berry's poofy white chef hat falls off as you round the corner and she reaches out for it as if it were her young. Ignoring her plea, you continue running until you make it out of the house completely.
Placing Berry down on the grass in the front yard, you turn back to your house to rush in and put the fire out. Just before you're about to move though, the fire cartoonishly devours your house within a few seconds.
You both watch as the house crumples to a pile of ash.
Berry snivels, “R-Rod... My poofy white friend...”
Your eye twitches as you stare at a mound of black you used to call home.
“Berry...”
"Yes honey?"
You turn to her with only rage in your eyes. “I'm going to fucking kill you.”
She looks up at you and tilts her head in confusion as the other half of the mustache falls off.
"What's that taste like?"
“AAAAAAHHHHHHH!”
...
It's been about an hour or so. After the massive amount of rage you spat at Berry, Twilight happened to cross your path on the outskirts of town. You finally calmed down after a few hours of being forced to sit in her tree house library thing.
She taps you on the shoulder as you sit on the floor, making you look up at her.
“Are you going to scream some more or are you going to talk to me now?”
You exhale deeply.
“Okay. I can talk now.”
She rolls her eyes and sits in front of you, “Finally. I thought you'd never stop yelling at her.”
She looks over at Berry as she sleeps in a fort crafted out of books.
“I think she's giving me some kind of terminal illness, Twilight.”
Twilight looks back at you, a little shocked.
“Anon, that's not a very nice thing to say.”
“SHE BURNED DOWN MY FUCKING HOUSE WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING, TWILIGHT.”
Twilight puts her hooves up in defense, “Okay, okay. And I know, you only told me like sixteen times in your fits of rage.”
She looks back at Berry who now is outside of the fort looking at some book.
“I know how she can be annoying, but it really isn't that bad Anon.”
“Yeah, sure. I bet you couldn't even last a full minute with her.”
She quirks an eyebrow and smirks.
“Oh yeah?”
You nod and turn to Berry who now is smelling Twilight's centerpiece.
“Hey Berry! Come here for a second.”
She looks over at you, but doesn't move. Instead, she squirms around a little bit.
“Your turn, Twilight.”
Twilight stands up and walks over to Berry.
She asks in a soft and caring tone, “Is something wrong?”
Berry shifts uneasily again and looks down at her crotch.
Twilight, picking up on this, asks her, “Do you need to use the bathroom?”
Berry quickly nods at Twilight.
“Where's the bathroom?”
“Up the stairs and to the left.”
Berry rushes over to the stairs and trips, slamming her face on the second stair. She jumps up almost as quick as she fell and looks at both of you momentarily before continuing up. Once she makes it up the stairs, you hear the door open.
Twilight strolls over to you with a smirk on her face.
“What was that about not even a minute?”
Berry calls from upstairs.
“Twilight!”
Your smirk makes Twilight's fade quickly.
You explain as you look at the clock, “NOW your minute starts.”
Twilight turns to the stairs and calls up them, “Yes Berry?”
Berry comes rushing down the stairs and stands in front of Twilight, still doing a cute potty dance. “Got some place I can pee?”
Twilight looks confused, but because you're watching her, she recomposes herself and calmly responds, “Up the stairs and to the left. There is a big brown door with a golden handle. You can't miss it.”
Berry turns and runs up the stairs again. It is silent for a few seconds, and then she peeks her head out from around the corner up there.
“Hey, got a bathroom in this place?”
Twilight's brow is starting to furrow and it has only been twenty seconds.
“I just told you. It's right behind you.”
Berry stares down at the both of you.
She squints her eyes as if trying to spot something in the distance, then shakes her head as if she failed to.
“I don't see it.”
Twilight speaks through gritted teeth, “Just turn around, Berry.”
It's been thirty five seconds and Twilight looks as if she's thinking about all the different places no one would be able to find Berry's mutilated corpse. Berry spins around in a full 360 degrees and then looks at Twilight like she's stupid.
“What does turning around do? I still can't see the bathroom.”
Twilight turns to you with a smile that barely hides a pit of flaming hatred.
“Okay. You were right. Now help.”
You stand up and pat your hands together.
“You lasted forty seconds.”
She looks dumfounded as she stares at you, “That's it?”
As you walk up the stairs, you turn and speak to her, “That's still more than the others that have tried.”
“How long did they last?”
Making it to the top of the stairs, you pick Berry up with one arm and turn toward the bathroom while still speaking loudly to Twilight, “Six seconds.”
You walk into the bathroom and place Berry in front of the toilet.
“This is the bathroom, you arsonist.”
She looks around at the tiled floor and walls, but her eyes reach the open door last and she shakes her head.
“This isn't the bathroom, silly! This is Twilight's house!”
You close the door and then look at her. A deep blush appears on her face.
“W-why are you in the bathroom with me Anon?...”
With a roll of the eyes and a flip of the bird, you walk out and close the door behind you.
“Shut up and do your business, okay Berry?”
It is uncomfortably silent for a few seconds.
“Berry?”
Her scream feel as if it's right in your ear, “PIRATES ARE REAAAAALLL!”
The sputtering of anus is heard disturbingly loud and clear from inside that room. Shaking your head, you walk back around the corner and down the stairs. Twilight sits on a purple pillow sorting the books Berry had taken out for apparently no reason.
“I don't know how you do it Anon,” she says as she looks up at you.
“Well, I kinda am forced to by law.”
She nods, remembering what had taken place.
“Oh yeah.”
“You know Twilight, you did a pretty good job with her too.”
Twilight looks up at you and smiles sincerely.
“Thank you.”
“You're welcome.”
A loud flush comes from upstairs, followed by a few seconds of silence before Berry yells out, “I'M DONE!”
You and Twilight look at each other and shrug.
She screams again, "I SAID I'M DONE!"
With a sigh, you walk to the stairs, “I'll go to see what the fuck she wants.”
Twilight continues to put the books back in their places as you walk up the stairs. When you get to the top, you turn and open the door. Berry prances out happily and the smell of what lurks in the bathroom punches you in the face.
You creep forward and look inside, almost vomiting on spot once you see what she's done to this poor bathroom.
“Oh... Oh my god...”
There is shit caked to the walls, floor, pooled in the bathtub, and all over the toilet. She even got shit behind the toilet. On the mirror, there's a picture of a tall human holding hoof and hand with a pony drawn out of shit. You quickly step back, slam the door, and facepalm.
Why did you even trust the mentally unstable one in the bathroom alone?
Twilight yells from downstairs, "What's wrong Anon?"
Shit, you've got to think of something, quick!
“N-Nothing! Just pricked my thumb.”
"Oh, I'll come look at it! Hold on."
Fucking damn shit fuck that was a stupid thing to say!
You look over to the door.
Guess it's the only way to make this believable.
You open the door, put your thumb in the crack of it, and slam it shut on your thumb. Thankfully, you're too much of a pussy to go through with it. You try to pull your thumb away from being completely crushed, so it only split some of the flesh open. You manage to suppress the scream as Twilight reaches the top of the stairs.
She holds out her hoof and gives you a command, "Let me see."
You show her your open thumb, completely gushing with blood.
"Sweet Celestia! That's one heck of a 'prick' Anon!"
Her purple aura surrounds your thumb and fixes it completely.
How the fuck does this magic shit work?
Grabbing your thumb to make sure you can't feel the pain anymore, you smile at Twilight.
“Thank you Twilight.”
"Don't mention it."
She scrunches her face up.
"What's that smell?"
Fuck, she can smell the catastrophe in there! Say something!
“O-Oh um I farted?”
Fucking really?
"That's pretty gross Anon..."
Well, at least she bought it.
She turns around and suddenly there is a crash sound. The two of you both run down the stairs to see Twilight's basement door wide open. Both of you look at each other and then book it for the stairs down.
You look down the stairs as Twilight goes in front of you. Nothing too crazy seems to be happening down there. Twilight sighs and turns back to you.
You ask her, “What's going on?”
"Nothing... She's just eating my dinner from last night."
“Well then what was that noise?”
She shrugs and starts looking around where Berry is sitting. As she does this, you turn around to search as well and see Spike trying to put a vase back together. There's dirt everywhere on the floor around him.
“Hey, did you make that noise?”
He jumps out of his skin when hearing your voice and rushes away. You walk over to the pile of shattered vase and dirt there as Twilight brings Berry back up.
Twilight yells at you, "Anon! What have you done?!"
You turn to her confused as she rushes over and pushes you aside. She looks incredibly worried.
“I was supposed to watch this for Fluttershy, it's the ashes of an animal dear to her!”
She levitates all of the ash you thought was just dirt and teleports away with it.
Well, fuck.
Spike comes out from hiding looking extremely guilty.
"I'm sorry, I was just going to find a book and fell backwards..."
You glare at him.
“You owe me, big time..."
The disgusting smell of the bomb that went off in the bathroom makes its way down the stairs.
You smirk as you look at Spike. "...and I know just how.”
...
A few minutes pass and Twilight teleports back with another vase, going upstairs to her room. She puts it on the shelf in her room and comes back to the top of the stairs. She's glaring down at you as you just sit there petting a sleeping Berry. She then sniffs the air.
"Sweet Celestia, what is that awful stench?!"
She flings open the bathroom door to reveal Spike sitting in a pile of shit in the bathroom.
"SPIIIKE! OH MY- HOW DID YOU EVEN DO THIS?!"
A plop sound is heard, followed by a gasp.
"HOW DID YOU GET IT ON THE CEILING?!"
You continue to pet Berry and she wakes up a little.
"Anon, why is Twilight so mad?"
You look to her with a dead straight face.
“Because you shit everywhere in her bathroom, you idiot.”
"B-but I wiped!"
You facepalm again and then hear Twilight yell, "WHY IS THERE ONE PIECE OF TOILET PAPER ON THE WALL?!"
Glare at the cheeky little fucker, “God damn it Berry. What is wrong with you?”
"I don't press repeat."
“What?”
You look down at her and see that she's passed out on your lap again.
Twilight, who could be described as a tad bit frustrated right now, walks down the stairs with her mane completely made up of flame. Somehow, it doesn't burn the entire place to the ground even though it is all wood. Her eye twitches as she looks at you and Berry.
"Both of you. Get out. Now."
Like hell you're going to disagree with with a purple ponyta. You head out holding Berry as quickly as you can. The slightly warmer temperature of outside wakes Berry from her micronap in your arms.
She asks as you walk aimlessly forward, "Aw where are we going honey?"
“Have any suggestions? Because I don't.”
"Maybe Fluffyshee?"
You look down as you ask, “What? Do you mean Fluttershy?”
Berry is asleep and her snores are the only thing that reply to you.
Fucking Berry.
Author's Note
That thing with the thumb happened to me. Had to come up with an excuse for why I was taking so long upstairs that wasn't masturbation, so in my stupidity, I said that I had pricked my finger. I then had about ten seconds until my mother came upstairs, so I had to act quickly.
Hurt like a motherfucker.
Too bad magic isn't real in this world.
