...And garbled
Normally she’d be doing some kick-ass aerial feature. Flying through the air, feeling the wind, controlling her speed, it was her favorite thing to do. Flying gave her no pleasure at the moment though, and even the feeling of speed, which she so craved, wasn’t helping. Run as she might she couldn’t escape from her problems, much less one as big as this one.
No, instead she sat down and listened to the grief, too shocked to say anything. She wanted to scream out, to yell at all the gods and goddesses she knew, to make it all a dream. But her body was far too numb for it, she just stood still, the cold not bothering her, the warmth not bothering her, replying automatically to any “I’m sorry for your loss” or “At least she didn’t suffer”, with a nod. Her eyes were locked in the distance, while she mechanically breathed, in out, her mind in shambles.
It was true Scootaloo hadn’t suffered, that much was obvious, how could she, when she laid there, broken, mangled, like a horribly destroyed piece of cardboard. It has been mercifully quick, no more than a couple of minutes and yet she still had time to look at her idol, at her, and smile, and though it was a bloody smile, she stood strong, brave until the very end.
Rainbow’s first reaction had been to deny it, surely that body couldn’t belong to the strong, brave, smart, filly she knew, right? She was always so full of her life that seeing it drain of her eyes, and her body, through blood and her last breathes, well that was impossible, no? But then she stopped moving, and all the denial she could ever give was taken aback by one instinct.
Cry, cry, cry, nobody could imagine just how much she wanted to cry. Tears still hadn’t come and she felt awful because of it, much like Scoots she had been strengthening up all her life, but this was the death of her sister, if not by blood then by companionship many months and days spent together ago, why couldn’t she cry? Was she so devoid of any pain?
No, no she wasn’t the pain, the grief, it was certainly there, hurting her on the inside, but her body didn’t react, she found it easier just to keep herself not thinking. She normally didn’t think much anyway, she went for her gut. And her gut told her not to think, just be, the philosophy of “I think, therefore I exist” wasn’t in her mind, but if it were she wouldn’t be really existing.
It had been months and yet she still hadn’t cried. She felt selfish, and though there wasn’t anything physically wrong with her, she felt like she couldn’t lift or take off the ground, so much was the weight of her dead “sister” pushing her down. It really was a miracle that she hadn’t pushed into the earth’s core yet. She felt heavy, her eyes were full of bags but she couldn’t sleep properly to get rid of them. In actuality she had been having trouble sleeping, there really wasn’t much she could, was there?
Because she was gone. Seeing her being put into the earth, hopefully to nurture new life, flowers of bushes, or whatever, gave her the confirmation she needed, Scootaloo was gone. She wasn’t the only one suffering from it. Lack or parents or not, the rambunctious little filly had made many friends, throughout the few years she had on land, but she couldn’t help but feel her pain was more real than the pain in other’s.
It was a strange sentiment really, she was sure everyone wanted the pain to go away, plenty had cried, and even her two best friends at school, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, adorable in their little dresses (or they would be if it weren’t for the occasion they had dressed up for), had cried and had nightmares for weeks. But Rainbow, herself, had been the only one to see the mangled body, she had been the one too slow to comfort her, and too dumb to do anything to save her.
She knew she shouldn’t, and that it was a dumb way to feel but, honestly, she blamed herself, a bit for it. Scootaloo had been her closest admirer and the only time she failed her (at least in her mind that was the biggest, minor disappointments did not count) and she died. It was plainly not cool and unfair, and it was hurting her inside.
While she had eventually been able to sleep, enough to pass for a non sleep deprived pony, she wish she hadn’t.
She had the same nightmare constantly, Scoots, or Scootaloo screaming for her as she fell, as her body hit the dirt, as she smiled one last time.
Rainbow would inherently try to push herself faster and faster, she’d scream to herself to catch her.
But she could never do it.
It was like failing to save her once more, and it happened every night. And she would wake up screaming and crying, and then remember the truth, and how even if she caught her it wouldn’t do her much good but then she would fall asleep the next night and it would happen again.
Like a loop, but not a nice one, or a clever one.
She just hated it.
She wondered if they’d remember her as loyal to her friends, especially Scoots, or if they’d just call her a coward for running away.
She knew she couldn’t run away from herself, or from her mind, but she could run away from the constants “Are you okay?”, because she wasn’t ok, she had witnessed....that, how could she possibly be ok?
She waited until everyone was asleep, and then, then she slowly drifted away, being careful not to break the sound barrier, just flying away.
They had lost Scoots, and recovered, partially at least, she hoped they would recuperate from losing her as well.
A tear, finally, fell to the ground, it shone briefly by the moonlight, and then she wasn’t in Ponyville anymore.
