Ponyville was founded by earth ponies, but the population of earth ponies, pegasi and unicorns had been roughly equal since its establishment. And each type of pony in Ponyville had expressed interest in a series of lectures on self-defence; one for unicorns led by Twilight, one for earth ponies led by Applejack, and one for pegasi led by Rainbow Dash. The idea was simple. Twilight wanted to make sure that their home was safe from any threats and so she decided that the citizens should be well prepared for a crisis.
On the night before these lectures were to take place, Twilight was dreaming that she and Rarity were having a magic duel. She definitely had the upper hoof because the best Rarity could do was find jewels in the ground. In no time, Twilight had Rarity dangling from a tree branch by her tail, which was in a double knot.
“Now what is all this about?” came a voice.
Twilight looked around. Rarity was surprised, too. Then, right between them appeared Princess Luna.
“Excuse me for interrupting your…” she looked at Rarity, “extraordinary dream, Princess Twilight.”
“Oh, not at all, Princess Luna,” said Twilight. “To be honest, I don’t really know what we were fighting about.”
“Well in that case,” said Rarity in a raised voice, “could you get me down from here?!”
Twilight obliged.
“I have a message for you, Twilight Sparkle,” Princess Luna announced. “It’s Discord. He wants your help.”
“Discord?!” exclaimed Twilight and Rarity.
“Yes,” said Luna. “Don’t worry. He’s not causing trouble. In fact, he’s trying to clean up a mess he left behind back when my sister and I defeated him over a thousand years ago.”
“What mess is this?”
“Some sort of prison enclosure on the outskirts of Canterlot. It seems he left some things in there and he wants you, Applejack and Rainbow Dash to help him deal with them. I shall be visiting their dreams as well to let them know.”
“Oh, but I have to give a self-defence lecture tomorrow morning,” said Twilight. “Rarity, could you possibly take my place?”
“Me?” asked Rarity in surprise. “But I’m no good at duelling.”
“But you are a unicorn,” said Twilight. “I know it’s last minute, but I’m sure you could…”
“Um, Twilight,” interrupted Luna, “That’s not really Rarity. She’s just part of your dream.”
“Oh, right.”
And with that, Princess Luna exited Twilight’s dream.
Early the next morning, the real Rarity’s response was no different from dream Rarity’s.
“You may not know as many spells as I do,” said Twilight, “but everypony knows you control one of the Elements of Harmony and that you were given a royal appointment. I’m sure they won’t mind taking self-defence lessons from you.”
Applejack was also sure the other earth pony in the group would make a good substitute.
“I can’t applebuck or lasso anything like you can,” said Pinkie Pie as if Applejack was trying to fool her. “Remember when our cutie marks got all mixed up? I almost bankrupt Sweet Apple Acres.”
“Come on, Pinkie Pie,” pleaded Applejack. “You’ll be just fine and dandy. I’m sure of it.”
“Well, if it’ll make you happy,” Pinkie decided.
Rainbow Dash wasn’t so keen on asking Fluttershy to take her place.
“Couldn’t I ask somepony more athletic?” she asked Twilight. “Like Bulk Biceps?”
“Bulk Biceps ain’t a taskforce member,” Applejack interjected. “These lectures were approved by Princess Celestia as long as one of us six led them.”
Fluttershy was as doubtful as Rainbow Dash, but she promised to do her best.
“Princess Luna told me to tell you that the trains to and from Canterlot aren’t running,” Rainbow Dash said to Twilight. “There’s a lockdown.”
“This must be real serious,” said Applejack, eyes wide.
“Alright, we’ll rent a rickshaw and you and I will fly to Canterlot with Applejack in it,” said Twilight.
“Do we have to rent it?” asked Rainbow Dash. “You’re a princess. We could just commandeer it.”
“I’m not going to abuse my power unless it’s absolutely necessary,” said Twilight firmly. “And I better not hear from anypony that you have.”
At the unicorn self-defence lecture, there were no enthusiastic faces as Rarity took the podium. The ones who attended were expecting to learn how to teleport, but Rarity didn’t know how. Twilight did try to teach her a few times, but she hadn’t gotten the hang of it. But since Twilight was able to learn to copy Rarity’s gem finding spell and that was the only unique spell she knew, she decided to teach it to her class.
Vinyl Scratch was not impressed. “This is so stupid. Finding jewels in the ground for self-defence? That’ll only work if we’re attacked by an ugly outfit.”
Rarity growled as the other unicorns chuckled.
“Oh, yes?” she snapped. “And how do you solve all you’re problems? With wubs?! Well, we are not moving on until you learn my spell.”
“What?!”
“That will teach you to cheek a member of the Royal Taskforce.”
“Where’s Applejack?” asked Bon Bon when Pinkie Pie addressed the earth ponies.
“Sorry, but she had to go to Canterlot on royal business,” said Pinkie Pie.
She didn’t know where to begin, so she decided to buy some time by asking the attendees to warm up by jumping around the room.
“Could we possibly begin now?” asked Octavia after ten circuits.
But Pinkie asked for ten more laps. She still couldn’t think of an adequate first lesson.
Fluttershy did have a vague idea of where to begin. She’d been trying to recall what she’d done when faced with danger in the past. But with dozens of eyes watching her, it took forever for her to work up the courage to start addressing them. Public speaking wasn’t her thing.
Derpy tried to be helpful. “Why don’t you tell me what you want to say and I’ll tell everypony else?” she asked.
“Um, OK,” said Fluttershy, beckoning Derpy to the front of the group.
But Derpy did not feel like repeating what Fluttershy whispered to her.
“Are you saying you can only do your best when your friends are in serious trouble?”
Fluttershy faltered. “Maybe I didn’t say it right. But I’m not saying that’s the only way you can face danger. What I mean is… if you can imagine…”
“Imagine your friends in peril?” asked Derpy, feeling rather disturbed. “Listen, I think I’m gonna sit back down.”
Fluttershy buried her face as Derpy made her way back to her spot, stepping on Bulk Biceps’ hoof in the process.
“Oops. Sorry,” she said. “You OK?”
“YYEEEEAAAAHH!” replied Bulk Biceps.
Meanwhile, Twilight and Rainbow Dash were nearing Canterlot with Applejack in tow.
“Did Princess Luna say exactly where to meet Discord?” asked Twilight.
“All she told me was it was somewhere on the outskirts,” replied Rainbow Dash.
“What about you, Applejack?” asked Twilight.
There was no reply.
“Applejack?”
They looked back at the rickshaw. Applejack wasn’t in it. Rainbow Dash looked down.
“Oh, no! She fell out!”
Applejack was plummeting into the gorge beneath the rail bridge. But before Twilight and Rainbow Dash could fly down after her, their wings suddenly vanished. The rickshaw hit the bridge and the harnesses broke. Twilight and Rainbow Dash would have been screaming, but no sound came from them, nor Applejack. The bottom came nearer and nearer. The three flightless ponies shut their eyes and then… they stopped in midair. When they opened their eyes, there was Discord.
Twilight tried to ask what in the world Discord was up to, but she was still mute. Discord himself was facing the other way looking down at the ground. Suddenly, the back of his head sprouted another face. In his lion paw, he held some sort of dial, which he started to spin.
“Discord?” The faintest sound came from Twilight when she spoke. “Why are you toying with us?”
“You ain’t changed at all, have you?!” Applejack yelled quietly.
“Careful, AJ,” purred Discord’s second face. “You might get a noise complaint.”
The Draconequus pointed to where his first face was looking. The ponies looked and saw a sinkhole sitting in the middle of the gorge.
“Is that your prison?” asked Twilight.
“Yep. I made that when I suspected somepony was trying to overthrow me,” Discord explained. “But I never got to throw anypony in there. Celestia and Luna beat my various hides before I could send my guards out.”
Rainbow Dash could hardly concentrate. She hated floating in midair with no wings.
“Hey Discord, could you set us down now?”
“What’s wrong, Rainbow? I thought you liked being airborne.”
“I like it when I can fly!”
“If you’re gonna keep shouting, I’ll just put you back on mute.”
Discord brandished his dial.
“Don’t, please. Just tell us why we gotta keep quiet,” Twilight insisted.
“My three guards are down there,” said Discord. “I made them out of paper. There’s a paper crane which I named Overflap, a paper ninja star called Crimper, and a paper airplane called Ink Jet.”
“You were gonna stop the Royal Sisters from overthrowing you with origami?” snorted Applejack.
“Uh, huh,” said Discord with a slight sneer. “I bewitched them to fly around and seek out ponies who wanted me outta the picture. Once it touches you, you get sucked into the sinkhole from wherever you are. And once you’re in there, you can’t get out unless I personally go in there and free you. And guess what. Everyone in that prison would end up exactly like you, Applejack.”
“You mean if they have wings or horns, they disappear?” asked Twilight.
“That’s why you’re here, Twi,” said Discord. “You’re the smartest pony I know. So I need your to help me figure out how to get the guards outta there.”
“Here’s the thing,” he continued after more complaints from Rainbow Dash. “I went in there last night to get rid of the guards. What you gotta do is catch them off guard and unfold them. Once they’re flat, they lose all their power. But it turns out even I can’t use magic in that sinkhole.”
“Wow. Didn’t think that through, did ya?” smirked Applejack.
Discord turned the dial all the way down.
“As I was saying,” he went on sourly, “I could still get myself out of there. But the guards got all excited when they saw me back after so long. They bombarded me with questions about why I was gone for centuries and if there was anypony I wanted thrown away.”
Twilight tried to ask Discord what he told them, but no one heard a peep from her.
But Discord picked it up. “I told them I’d been imprisoned and that I had a trainload of prisoners for them to take down. I told them to wait there until I came back, and I’ve been sitting here for hours making sure they don’t jump the gun.”
He turned the dial up again.
“So Twilight, any ideas?”
Back in Ponyville, all three of the lectures were cut short as everypony who attended felt that their teachers were very inadequate. Vinyl Scratch met up with Octavia at the train station.
“I hope your self-defence lesson went better than mine,” Octavia frowned. “I couldn’t stand to hear Pinkie Pie say ‘ten more laps’ one more time.”
Vinyl blew a raspberry. “Well, I don’t know about self-defence, but if you ever need a shiny gemstone, I’m your mare.”
Octavia sighed as she finished rubbing her blistered hooves. “Oh, well. I suppose the two of us would have left early anyway.”
Octavia had a gig (Vinyl got her into the habit of calling it that) in Canterlot, so the two roommates had planned to leave their respective lectures early and catch the midmorning train… which was now idling in the station full of steam.
Derpy had left Fluttershy’s lecture in a huff.
Who would want to imagine all their friends in mortal danger? she thought to herself. I’ve got a good imagination, but there’s no way I could ever make myself picture…
“Hey Derpy, did you forget something?!”
Derpy looked back. Cloud Kicker was carrying her saddlebag.
“Oh, thanks Cloud Kicker,” said Derpy.
“Were you doing a mail run before the lecture?” asked Cloud Kicker.
“Yep,” said Derpy as she took her bag back.
As Cloud Kicker passed the bag to Derpy, a scroll fell out. The strap came undone and it rolled open.
“Oops. I missed a letter,” groaned Derpy.
“Hey, that looks important,” said Cloud Kicker. “Look at the seal. It’s got the Canterlot Castle crest on it.”
Derpy glanced at the message and gasped.
“The train to Canterlot!” she cried. “It’s not supposed to run!”
She dashed away towards the station, but the train had left before she reached it. She quickly told the station staff about the Canterlot embargo and took off after the train to deliver the message to the crew. She had a hard time trying to catch it, but she didn’t need to imagine anyone in danger to give her a boost.
Author's Note
Inspired by Children of the Night and an episode of The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh; Cleanliness is Next To Impossible.
“You can hear things from the other side of the sinkhole, right?” Twilight asked Discord.
“Why do you think I’ve been muzzling you three?” Discord rolled his second pair of eyes. “If those guards hear us, they’ll spring out. I gotta be ready for all three of them.”
“OK, so why don’t Applejack, Rainbow Dash and I go in and pretend to yell words of encouragement to a bunch of ponies who are trying to fight you. The guards will go up to try and help you and when they do, we’ll shout a code word to you and that’ll be your cue to disarm them.”
Discord thought about it. He couldn’t see any problems.
“And then you get us outta there,” Twilight added sternly.
“You’re lucky you remembered,” Discord smirked. “What do you say? You game?”
Applejack and Rainbow Dash looked at each other, and then nodded.
“I could give you your wings back,” said Discord, “but there’d be no point. Like I said, you won’t be able to use them in there.”
“I’d like my wings back anyway, please,” Rainbow Dash insisted.
“So, you have got manners,” Discord snapped his fingers and Twilight’s and Rainbow’s wings were restored.
The three ponies walked to the edge of the sinkhole. Discord tore his extra face off the back of his head and ate it.
“We’ll have to jump in so it looks like Discord threw us,” Twilight whispered.
“Why don’t I actually throw you in?” asked Discord.
“I’d prefer ya didn’t touch me,” Applejack shuddered a bit.
“So what’s the code word?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“How about mousetraps?” Discord suggested.
“Mousetraps?”
“I used to make them grow in the roads back in the day,” Discord was trying not to laugh.
“We’ll just say Now,” said Applejack.
“Alright, girls,” Twilight said quietly as they neared the point of no return. “Are you ready?”
Applejack and Rainbow Dash nodded. And just before Twilight told them to jump, Discord playfully kicked them into the center of the whirlpool.
There was no doubt that the other side of the sinkhole was made by Discord. It was a large circular room made of dirt, and the walls were rotating along with bizarre paintings and odd decorations. It was like an inside-out merry-go-round made of madness. Any pony who’d been imprisoned in there would probably go insane before their first hour. But the deranged atmosphere wasn’t the first thing Twilight, Applejack and Rainbow Dash noticed after they picked themselves up off the dirty ground. From behind a statue of a baffled-looking giant flea came the paper crane, the paper star and the paper plane.
“What’s this?” came a voice from the crane. “Have we got some prisoners?”
The ponies looked up at the entrance.
“Don’t let him throw y’all in!” called Applejack.
“You can beat him! Keep fighting!” shouted Rainbow Dash.
“Oh! Discord’s got some enemies here!” exclaimed Overflap. “Crimper, Ink Jet, let’s go exploring!”
High above them, all was not well. The 9:30 from Ponyville to Canterlot was approaching the capital. In the last carriage, Vinyl Scratch and Octavia were helping the conductor, who had dropped his cashbox on his way back to the rear of the train and broke it. The three of them had just entered the brake van with the broken box and about 148 bits when everypony onboard suddenly lurched forward. The driver had slammed the brakes on. The rickshaw Twilight, Applejack and Rainbow Dash had taken to Canterlot was lying in the middle of the track on the rail bridge.
Discord was waiting for the code word when he heard a loud clanging noise followed by countless loud screams. He broke his concentration and looked up. The train had derailed and was falling off the bridge, along with everypony onboard.
“Oh, great!” groaned Discord. “Looks like they didn’t get the memo.”
Discord had no choice but to look away from the sinkhole and rescue the train, and don’t worry; he did it in style. He extended his snakelike body, twisted, veered, looped and slithered under the locomotive. He’d become a rollercoaster for the falling train.
“Applejack can’t say I haven’t changed now,” he said as the train zigzagged to the bottom of the gorge.
But it didn’t look that way to his guards.
“Look at that!” shouted Ink Jet excitedly. “He really does have a trainload of prisoners for us!”
Derpy was approaching the bridge and was horrified when she saw the train had fallen off the bridge. The conductor had managed to save himself, Vinyl Scratch and Octavia by disconnecting the brake van from the rest of the train, but as soon as they got off and ran across the bridge, the van toppled right over and plummeted into the gorge.
“Let’s get collecting,” said Crimper excitedly.
Discord jumped when he realised that his guards had got out, but before he could try to magic them into submission, the empty brake van landed on his head knocking him out. His body shortened and he fell into the whirlpool. Overflap, Crimper and Ink Jet didn’t notice as they had flown into the coaches before the passengers had a chance to recover from the shock they’d just experienced.
“He better let us out when he’s done,” said Rainbow Dash.
“He will,” said Twilight. “He may be a goon, but he is doing something for Equestria’s benefit for the first time in his life.”
No sooner had Twilight said this when the unconscious Discord fell on her.
“What in the name of zap apple pie happened to him?!” cried Applejack.
It wasn’t long before the spinning enclosure had more guests. Dozens of terrified ponies began pouring in.
“Those guards are on the loose!” Twilight exclaimed.
The three taskforce members began shouting in Discord’s ear and shaking him about trying to get him to wake up, while their fellow prisoners looked at the rotating décor of weirdness.
From the bridge, Vinyl Scratch, Octavia, Derpy and the conductor were just looking down from the edge when Crimper shot up from the depths of the gorge. It spun around and ran right into the conductor, who shrieked as he was suddenly swept off his hooves, zoomed down into the gorge and disappeared into the sinkhole below.
“Run for it!” Vinyl shouted as Crimper rebounded and its fellow guards flew up to the bridge.
They split up and fled the bridge as fast as they could, but each one was being pursued.
Vinyl Scratch ran down the track away from Canterlot and Overflap, wishing very much that she could have learned how to teleport if Rarity wasn’t a one-trick pony. There was no one else around, so she was on her own as she ran from the quickly approaching paper crane. Suddenly, her horn began to light up. Then, in a field to her right, she saw something shine in the grass. She got an idea. She veered to the right to the spot her horn was leading her to and dug as fast as she could.
“Your magic can’t help you!” came the steadily louder voice of Overflap.
Vinyl wheeled around and thrust out a glittering diamond the size of a chipmunk. Overflap stopped and landed on the ground in front of Vinyl Scratch staring intently at the sparkling gem.
“Shiny…”
Overflap might had been a paper bird, but it was a bird nonetheless. Vinyl Scratch tossed the diamond aside and Overflap caught it completely ignoring her. She stepped discreetly away from the crane and when she was sure it was distracted, she pelted back towards the capital.
“Nice one, Rarity,” she said quietly as she left the mesmerized Overflap behind.
Crimper was closing in on Octavia as she sprinted through the deserted streets of Canterlot. She couldn’t fly or use magic, so she tried to run into a building. But the door was locked and because she’d stopped, Crimper was now right in front of her face. She squealed… then she bounced like she’d been doing for almost an hour under Pinkie Pie’s instruction. Crimper went right under her missing completely. Octavia started panting as Crimper spun round for another attempt at sending the earth pony packing. Octavia bounced again, even higher.
“Hold still!” shouted Crimper as it veered back towards her.
Thinking quickly, Octavia shuffled away from the door, judged her moment and jumped over Crimper just in time. There was a slight crunching noise and when Octavia looked behind her, she saw the paper star wedged in the outside wall.
“Oh, for the love of flipbooks!” Crimper moaned as it wiggled up and down in a futile attempt to free itself.
Octavia darted off feeling relieved and rather proud.
Ink Jet was on Derpy’s tail as she ascended towards the clouds above Canterlot.
“You can’t get away from me!” Ink Jet yelled up to her.
Derpy suddenly flinched. Ink Jet’s voice sounded uncannily familiar to her. It strongly reminded her of a bully who used to taunt her for being clumsy in school. She used to have a hard time avoiding him because she often fell down when she ran away, and she didn’t know how to fly at that time. The memory of this seemed to boost Derpy’s wing power. She picked up speed.
“Get back here!” shouted Ink Jet.
The more Derpy made herself think her old bully was chasing her, the faster she went until soon, she was flying faster than Ink Jet and it couldn’t catch her before she disappeared into a cluster of clouds. Ink Jet flew around for several minutes trying to find her, but it didn’t see her until she zoomed downwards back towards the capital.
“I’m gonna get you, you lousy pony!” the paper plane bellowed, giving chase.
But it didn’t. Derpy flew onward and soon lost Ink Jet in a tree. Minutes later, she darted out of her hiding place and this time, the plane didn’t spot her.
“That was the most graceful flying I’ve ever done!” Derpy smiled before ramming into Octavia.
Vinyl Scratch was there too and as she helped them up, a castle guard ran up to them.
“What are you all doing out here?” he demanded in a hushed voice. “There is a lockdown.”
The three Ponyvillians hurriedly told him about the train not getting the message and the origami guards springing up from the gorge outside the city.
“I’ll inform Princess Celestia,” said the guard, and his horn emitted a light which flickered on and off. Octavia guessed that he must’ve been sending a magic Morse Code message to the princess. Vinyl Scratch thought he was trying to start a disco.
Ink Jet was fuming while it searched the trees for Derpy. Like the other guards, it was only after the ponies it had seen at the scene of the train derailment as they believed them to be Discord’s prisoners. So Ink Jet didn’t go anywhere else until it spotted Derpy, Vinyl Scratch and Octavia in the distance standing next to a large fir tree.
“Ha! All three of them,” it said and veered towards them.
The three ponies were looking away from the trees, but they knew Ink Jet was coming. Vinyl had taken her sunglasses off and they were using the reflection to watch the paper airplane advance on them.
“Got ya now!” it yelled, causing Derpy to twitch. She was still picturing her bully.
But what a surprise befell Ink Jet when Princess Celestia erupted from the fir tree and zapped it. Before it knew what was happening, it was unfolded. Now it was just a lifeless sheet of paper. Vinyl Scratch, Octavia and Derpy turned around and watched worriedly as Princess Celestia stepped away from the fir and prodded the piece of paper with her hoof.
The princess exhaled. “Your guess was right, Octavia. If they can be unfolded, they’ll shut down.”
“Well then, I’ll lead you to the paper star,” Octavia said, leading the way to the building she’d been bouncing around.
Crimper hadn’t managed to get itself unstuck, so it was easy for Princess Celestia to sneak up on it and unfold it. Now it was just an ordinary sheet of paper, one corner of which still stuck in the wall. Then Vinyl Scratch took Princess Celestia to the field where she’d found the diamond. Sure enough, Overflap was still looking at it marvelling at the shine. Soon, there was nothing in front of the diamond but a flat, white square.
“What?! Where- who’s- where are my guards?!”
Discord had woken up.
“Quick, Discord! The guards have been running loose in Canterlot for hours!” Twilight urged Discord onto his feet.
“Well, why didn’t you tell me earlier?” joked the Draconequus as he scooped Twilight, Applejack and Rainbow Dash into his unalike hands and carried them briskly up to the entrance. As soon as they were outside…
“Not to worry, everyone,” Princess Celestia announced. “The guards have been dealt with.”
Discord, Twilight, Applejack and Rainbow Dash were very surprised to see Vinyl Scratch, Derpy and Octavia with Princess Celestia.
“I wonder if you wouldn’t mind,” the princess said to Twilight, “if I made these three honourary members of Ponyville’s Royal Taskforce.”
Once the whole story had come out from both sides, Discord went back into the sinkhole to free the passengers.
“So how was it working with Discord?” asked Princess Celestia.
Rainbow Dash groaned. “Totally insane.”
“But he was looking out for us and made sure we’d be alright,” Twilight insisted.
“He might’ve been crazy at first,” said Applejack with a smirk, “but I kinda liked his behaviour when we were all in the prison hole. He was nice and quiet and he wasn’t bothering anypony.”
Two halves of a cash box suddenly flew out of the sinkhole and hit Applejack and Rainbow Dash from behind.
“I can hear you!” came Discord’s voice before he emerged with the conductor and some other passengers.
“You should’ve seen the looks on their faces,” Fluttershy hardly looked up from her root beer float since meeting Rarity and Pinkie Pie at Sugarcube Corner after their lectures had ended. “I hope Rainbow Dash never has to cancel a lesson again.”
“We’re supposed to be members of the royal taskforce,” grumbled Rarity. “Now we’re just the laughing stock of Ponyville.”
At that moment, Spike bustled in carrying three scrolls.
“There you guys are,” he panted. “I’ve got mail for you.”
He handed them each a scroll and they read them. Pinkie Pie leapt into the air cheering.
“Octavia says she liked my lesson!” she cried. “She said she used what I taught her to escape from a nasty situation.”
“Oh, my,” said Rarity in surprise. “It seems my lesson wasn’t a waste either. Vinyl Scratch says she’s sorry for criticizing my gem finding spell.”
Fluttershy smiled for the first time that day. “Derpy thanked me for telling her how to use state of mind to overcome danger.”
All three of them felt much better, but they couldn’t help but wonder why the papers their letters were written on were festooned with fold marks.
Author's Note
I liked it better in Princess Twilight Sparkle when Discord didn't bother to tell anyone about something her left behind.
