A Better Bit

by angelbunny

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Granny Smith, Comedy, Rarity
Length: 2601

Rarity and Granny Smith have a difference of opinion on the subject of customer service.

Rarity is always happy to patronize Sweet Apple Acres. She's also always happy to see Granny Smith. What does not make Rarity happy - is being given a rusty coin. And she will stop at nothing to get a better bit.
(Featured in 12/21/14 edition of Everfree Northwest Fanfic Spotlight)

Published 2014-11-20 21:40:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-20 21:40:06 UTC

A Little Rusty in the Giddyup

The Sweet Apple Acres outlet was the on-site shop which Granny Smith ran from one to five, Monday through Saturday. Pulling an apple cart into town on a daily basis was something that she couldn’t do as often as she used to but she still enjoyed the business side of things, especially helping customers.

Sales at the outlet were mixed since her granddaughter Applejack was already selling their apples in town. Generally the customers that Granny Smith got were tourists and townies who had just missed the apple stand’s cutoff point.

Granny Smith looked at the clock she kept by her register and saw that it was a minute away from closing time. She removed her apron and walked to the barn door to lock up and have supper with her family. A last minute customer was running toward the barn and Granny held off swinging the doors closed.

“Whew!” puffed Rarity as she entered the barn, “I made it just in the nick of time.”

“Howdy, Rarity,” said Granny Smith. “Yer mah favorite customer – the last one o’ the day.”

“Hel-lo, Granny Smith,” chirped Rarity. “Please forgive my tardiness. An acquaintance of mine from Canterlot gave me the recipe for this simply magnificent dessert that calls for some red delicious apples. I promise I’ll be quick about it.”

Rarity levitated the four apples she needed and placed them in the scale. Granny Smith put on her spectacles and looked at the scale’s readout.

“Let’s see... That’ll be a bit-ninety-nine,” said Granny Smith.

“Here you are,” said Rarity. She placed two bits on the counter.

“Thank ya kindly,” said Granny Smith. She took a copper bit out of her change box and hoofed it to Rarity. “And here’s yer change.”

Rarity lit up her horn to levitate her copper bit.

“Thank you very much, Granny Smi-” The bit flashed with blue magical energy for a second but Rarity suddenly canceled her spell, declining to lift the coin. “Oh... Uh, excuse me, Granny, but do you suppose I could have a better bit?”

“Eh?” asked Granny Smith. “What’s that? A better one? What’s wrong with this one?”

“It has a little rust on it.”

“Where?”

“Right there.” Rarity pointed at the coin’s edge.

“Oh, fiddlesticks, ya can hardly see it.”

“But it is there... and if you could exchange it for a nicer one, I’d appreciate it greatly.”

“If ya don’t wanna touch it with yer mouth, just use yer magic ta lee-ver-tate it.”

“Well, of course levitation is an option for me, Granny Smith,” said Rarity with a grin and an unintentionally condescending sounding chuckle. “This has nothing to do with the means by which I’m accepting the coin. I’m referring to its aesthetics.”

“Ass what now?”

“It’s not pleasing to the eye.”

“Are ya plannin’ on stickin’ yer bit up yer eyelid?”

“Certainly not!”

“Then who cares if the dadgummed thing’s a little rusty?”

“I do. I am a customer and, as such, I am entitled to the proper change – in both amount and condition.”

“Then lemme un-customer-ify ya. Gimme back those apples an’ I’ll give ya a full refund so’s ya can come back on the next business day.”

Rarity closed her eyes and groaned.

“I do not want a refund, Ms. Smith,” she said, opening her eyes. “I want the apples that I selected as well as a bit that has no rust on it. I’ve run a very successful business for several years and I have never once issued change to a cash-paying customer with a coin that looked even half as nasty as this one.”

“Rarity? Darlin’? Yer fussin’ over a copper bit. Ponies throw ‘em in wishin’ wells. Foals stick ‘em on railroad tracks ta squish ‘em. They ain’t hardly worth nuthin’ a-tall.”

Rarity narrowed her eyes and shifted her jaw.

“What others do with their copper bits is not the issue here. Nor am I debating the bit’s value. And I happen to be fully aware of what I am fussing about. This is about following proper business etiquette and basic customer service skills. Now I insist that you give me the proper change that I am due.”

“Ah’m tryin’ ta give ya yer change but ya won’t take it!” squawked Granny Smith.

“Because I want a better bit!”

“That was the last copper bit ah had left in mah change box.”

“Then please fetch a new roll.”

“Nothin’ doin’! Them rolls is kept in the safe.”

“Then this is easier remedied than argued.” Rarity spoke in a slow, patronizing way. “Open the safe, fetch a new roll of copper bits, break open that roll and give me a better bit for my change. Please.”

“Now, you listen here, young’un. Ah ain’t opened that safe after closin’ time since ah bought the danged thing almost fifty years ago and ah ain’t about ta start now – ‘specially not fer no copper bit!”

“Granny, let’s be reasonable about this.”

“Good i-dee-er. Ah’m already bein’ reasonable. When’re you gonna start?”

“Granny, what’s goin’ on?” asked Applejack as she entered the barn. “Why ain’tcha closed up the outlet yet? Yer food’s gettin’ colder than a Windigo’s... Oh, howdy, Rarity.”

“Applejack!” squealed Rarity. “Thank goodness! At last I can speak to a mare of reason! Could you please talk some sense into your grandmother? She wants to give me this rusty copper bit for my change and she’s refusing to give me a better one.” Rarity pouted after her assessment of the situation.

Applejack blinked as she examined the coin on the counter.

“Where is it rusty?” she asked.

“Right there on the edge,” replied Rarity.

“Oh, ya can hardly see it,” said Applejack dismissively.

“That’s what ah said!” declared Granny. “An’ this is mah last loose copper bit.”

Applejack sighed and looked at Rarity.

“Rarity, ah am so sorry about this,” said Applejack.

Rarity grinned, confident that she would get a better bit now that a level-headed pony like Applejack was on the job.

“...but that safe’s been handled by Granny Smith since before ah was born,” continued Applejack.

Rarity’s eyes shot open in shock.

“It’s her safe,” said Applejack. “End of story. Even ah don’t know the combination. If she ain’t of a mind ta open it, it ain’t gonna open. But more importantly...” Applejack took a deep breath and wrinkled her brow in anger. “YER KEEPIN’ MAH ELDERLY GRANNY FROM HER SUPPER OVER A LOUSY COPPER BIT!”

“I am doing no such thing, Applejack!” declared Rarity, furrowing her brow. “It is she, not I, who is responsible for this predicament. It’s quite obvious to me that her limited understanding of the importance of customer satisfaction is what has kept Sweet Apple Acres from becoming a thriving corporation.”

“That tears it!” said Granny Smith. “Ah didn’t come here ta be insulted! Uh... That is... uh... Ah don’t live here ta be insulted! Take yer bit and skedaddle!”

“I’m not leaving until I get a better bit!” yelled Rarity.

“An’ ah ain’t openin’ that safe, no way, no how!”

“Pipe down, y’all!” said Applejack. “Rarity, ah’ll run inta the house an’ getcha a copper bit out o’ mah change jar.”

“I appreciate the gesture but you needn’t bother,” said Rarity, not taking her eyes off of Granny Smith. “It’s not your money I want. This has devolved into a battle of wills now... and I intend to walk away victorious.”

“Yer gonna take this bit an’ leave," said Granny Smith, "if ah have ta stick it up yer-”

“Ms. Smith! Need I remind you that the Levitation In Self Defense Act permits a unicorn to levitate anypony who has clearly threatened to cause them bodily harm? We are not going to come to blows over this...” Rarity tapped her horn with her right forehoof. “...mainly because this little cone of bone won’t permit it. If you choose not to open that safe, you are actively choosing to keep us both here. So we are both going to wait here until tomorrow morning when you reopen that safe during normal business hours.”

“Tomorrow mornin’?” asked Applejack “Who said anythin’ about bein’ open tomorrow mornin’?”

“What do you mean?” asked Rarity.

“It’s Saturday, sugar cube. The outlet’s closed on Sundays – and Monday’s a holiday.”

“I have some apples with me. I can assure you that I won’t starve.”

“Ya mean yer gonna stay in our barn fer two days? asked Applejack.

“Ah-ha!” yelled Granny Smith. “What goes in must come out.”

“And I intend to come out... but no earlier than Tuesday afternoon and with a non-rusty copper bit in my possession.”

“Ah ain’t talkin’ about you, young’un. Ah’m talkin’ about a nature call.”

“A nature call?”

Granny Smith nodded.

“Ah’m a farmpony, Miss Rarity – born an’ bred. Our livestock does their business on the ground all the time so ah ain’t no stranger ta pickin’ up soiled straw. On the other hoof, somethin’ tells me you might be too high class ta use the floor ‘stead of an outhouse ta do yer business.” Granny Smith ran for the door and pointed outside as she smiled proudly. "Well, the nearest outhouse is twenny yards thattaway! All’s ah got ta do is wait ya out an’ when ya leave ta use the outhouse, ah’ll lock the door – which happens ta be magic resistant, ah might add.” Granny Smith relaxed her features, confident that she had this contest won. “Didja have supper before comin’ down here, Miss Rarity? An’ maybe a glass of water or two with it? Ah didn’t... an’ ah visited the outhouse not long before ya came down.”

Rarity cast her eyes downward with worry. They shifted back and forth as she went over her options.

“Th-Though it might not be very hygienic to do so,” said Rarity, “I can levitate my waste as I expel it and throw it outside.”

“That’s disgustin’!” protested Applejack.

“Hee hee heeeeee hee hee hee!” giggled Granny Smith. “Yer fergittin’ one mighty important detail, young’un. These barn doors are magic proof. If ah lock ya in overnight, how’re ya gonna pitch yer leavin’s outside? An’ how’re ya gonna lee-ver-tate yer whiz in yer sleep?”

“I...” Rarity was at a loss for words.

“Applejack, watch yer granny outfox this vixen.” Granny Smith retrieved an old camera from behind the counter and placed its strap around her neck. “It ain’t a top o’ the line model but it works well enough ta capture them precious moments.” She blew the dust off the camera. “Just lemme know when yer ready ta splashionista.”

Rarity gasped long and loud.

“Ms. Smith!” exclaimed Rarity. “You would photograph a lady during the act of... elimination?”

“Yer darn tootin’ ah would!” declared Granny Smith. “This here’s mah barn and ah can take pictures o’ anythang or anypony under its roof that ah choose... but ya don’t have ta stay. Now take this bit and clear on outta here or everypony in Ponyville gets an eight by ten glossy o’ you caught mid-tinkle or worse!”

Rarity panicked as she tried to think of a way to overcome this obstacle. Inasmuch as she fancied herself a winner, she simply couldn’t think of a way to get her better bit on this day while holding on to her dignity. With nothing left to lose, she resorted to what worked for her in the past when all else failed.

“AHHHHH-HAH-HAAAAAAAAAAH!!!” wept Rarity. “I WANT A BETTER BIIIIIIIIIIT! I WANT IT, I WANT IT, I WANT IT, I WANT IH-HIH-HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!”

“You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me,” said Granny Smith.

“It ain’t no joke, Granny,” said Applejack, raising her voice in order to be heard over the noise. “Rarity ain’t never been too proud ta cry if it gets her what she wants.”

Tears spouted outward from the unicorn’s eyes like a pair of fountains as she yowled and bawled even louder than before. Granny Smith sat on the ground and placed her forehooves over her ears.

“Land sakes!” said Granny Smith. “The sound is worse’n a pack o’ Timberwolves set on fire! Fer the luv o’... All right! You win, ya dagnabbed diva! Ah’ll open the safe an’ getcha a better bit! Just stow that racket!”

Rarity immediately ceased crying.

“Thank you,” said Rarity, clearing her throat and smiling smugly.

“No, thank you,” said Granny as she walked to the safe, “...fer not bein’ one o’ mah kin and sparin’ me the act o’ tannin’ yer hide fer bein’ such a snooty, spoiled brat! Ah’m just glad my late husband ain’t around ta see me now.” Granny Smith spun the knob around and entered the combination. She opened the safe, cracked open a paper roll of copper bits and selected the first coin she found.

“How’s this one?” asked Granny.

“That one will do nicely,” replied Rarity.

“Are ya sure?”

“Quite.”

“Are ya absolutely sure?”

“Absolutely.”

“Want me ta shine it up for ya? Or maybe get it blessed by Princess Celestia?”

“That won’t be necessary.”

“Good ta know.”

Rarity levitated the bit and placed it in her saddlebag.

“It’s been a pleasure,” she said as she trotted toward the doorway triumphantly.

“Speak fer yerself,” said Granny Smith, scowling at Rarity. “Have a nice night.” Granny muttered under her breath as she closed the safe.

Right before Rarity passed through the barn doorway, she did a double take and stopped walking. Stepping back a few paces, she examined what had caught her eye: a small display of novelty apple corers made out of dried apple cores.

“Ooh!” cooed Rarity. “What a darling little device!” She turned her head and looked back at Applejack and Granny Smith. “How much for the apple corers?”

Granny Smith’s eyes grew wide and her pupils narrowed.

“...One... cent,” she replied.

Granny watched in horror as Rarity’s horn glowed.

“Oh, no,” said Granny Smith. “You are not gonna...”

Rarity levitated the copper bit she had received from Granny Smith and placed it on the counter to pay for the apple corer.

“There you are,” chirped Rarity as she placed the apple corer in her saddlebag and trotted merrily out of the barn.

Granny Smith stared at the copper bit. The color of her face went from green to red as she growled and trembled with rage.

“See you Tuesdaaay,” sang Rarity.

After Granny Smith felt the sharp pain in her chest – but before collapsing – she was doubtful that she would see anypony on Tuesday or on any other day.

It was Tuesday morning and Rarity, clad in a black dress and a black hat, knocked on the front door of the Apple Family house with her right forehoof. She tried her best not to look at the wreath of black flowers that hung on the door – just as she had tried her best not to look at a similar black wreath that hung above the archway as she arrived at Sweet Apple Acres.

The door opened and Apple Bloom was there, wearing a black dress and a matching black hair bow. Rarity grinned politely at Apple Bloom. The filly did not return her grin. She was, in fact, frowning at her. She had bags under her reddened eyes and her face was damp with tear trails.

Rarity gulped.

“G-Good morning, Apple Bloom,” said Rarity softly. “I... just want to say how sorry I am for your-”

Apple Bloom quickly turned around and bucked Rarity in the left foreleg. Rarity screamed in pain and held her foreleg against her chest as Apple Bloom slammed the door shut.