At the Molehill of Madness

by Kieva Lynn

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Pinkie Pie, Random
Length: 1988

An Old One awakens to bring chaos and insanity to Equestria. It really should've stayed in bed...

The great old one Colthulu comes to Equestria, bent on conquest, destruction, and spreading madness throughout the world. Nopony may look upon him without being driven insane, and even alicorns lack the power to combat him directly. But there's one thing he hadn't counted on: You can't drive somepony insane when they're already there...

Published 2014-11-20 23:10:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-20 23:10:03 UTC

Chapter 1

At the Molehill of Madness

Twenty years ago:

Celestia and Cadance stood side by side, looking down into a crib in which a newborn foal lie sleeping soundly. "It is done." Celestia said.

"Yes." Cadance nodded, but a troubled look crossed her features. "Aunt Celestia, is this really necessary? I mean, I know why you started doing it in the past, but it's been so long, thousands of years... Do we have to keep doing this?"

Celestia laid a wing over her niece's back. "I fear so... The threat has not returned, true, but we speak of beings so powerful even I could not be assured of defeating them, so horrifying that normal ponies would be driven mad by the mere sight thereof. And so, a protector in each generation, one who can do that which nopony else can: Stand against an Old One and live."

"And this little filly is the newest." Cadance whispered. "Oh how I mourn for the troubles the changes we've made will bring to her life."

"Mourn not. Most of them have been quite happy with who they are. But now it is time. We will send her to her adoptive family. The magic will instruct her subconscious in all she needs to know, and with luck nothing will happen and she'll never even know why she is different..."

Celestia lifted the foal in her magic, and sent her off to begin her new life. As the magic flew, the foal heard a voice speaking to her unconscious mind, beginning her education. "You are something called alive in a place called the universe, latest in a line set aside to protect our world from horrors beyond description..."

Today:

Lightning flashed, oceans surged, and the skys grew dark over an isolated patch of the Eastern Sea. A great form began to emerge from the depths, a sight unseen in aeons, Colthulu rising from his slumber to conquer. A flight of pegasai, sent to determine the cause of the unplanned storm, caught sight of the beast and began to scream, their minds lost in moments. They flew apart in madness, or fear, or rage, some plummeting to drown in the waters below, others flying up until they blacked out from lack of oxygen.

Only one made in back to land. He was found, muttering "Yawgsmoth, Ry'lth, Colthulu" over and over. Word of the event reached Celestia and Luna, who investigated, promptly discovering that the old one was heading directly towards Manehatten.

"Three million ponies and no time to evacuate." Luna said. "We must activate the contingency."

Celestia sighed. "I had so hoped this wouldn't be necessary... But yes, there is no choice. Let us send the letter..."

Ponyville. Pinkie Pie was having a wonderful day. Of course, most any day was wonderful when you were Pinkie. It just goes with the territory. She was just leaving her bedroom, on her way to join Rarity, when a flash of dragonfire signalled the arrival of a letter.

"A royal seal?" Pinkie thought. "Why would the Princesses send a letter to me?" She opened the seal and read the contents of the letter. And a serious expression came over her face. "It's time then. Let's do this..."

Rarity trotted through the streets of Ponyville, on her way to meet Pinkie Pie for lunch. As she rounded the corner heading towards Sugarcube Corner, she saw her friend coming in her direction. But there was something different. Pinkie was dressed in dark sunglasses, a black trenchcoat, and combat boots on her back legs. She was also walking upright, the better to carry an enormous gun in her front hooves. "Pinkie dear... What are you...?" Rarity asked.

"Oh!" Pinkie exclaimed. "Sorry, but I'm gonna have to take a raincheck on our lunch date! Something came up and I'll be out of town for awhile!"

"What's going on dear? Where are you going, what are you going to do?"

Pinkie looked at Rarity over the top of her glasses, pumped the gun, and said "Chew bubblegum and kick flank... And I'm all out of bubblegum-" She paused, reached into a pocket, and pulled out several pieces of gum. "No wait, I've still got plenty of gum... Still gotta do the other thing though. See you later Rares!"

Rarity could only shake her head as she watched her pink friend walk away...

XXXXX

Great Colthulu reached land and climbed out of the sea, heading slowly but resolutely towards the nearest city. It would bring ruin to the empires of ponykind, madness to their ranks, and- "HI!" A voice pulled the old one from it's contemplations. Swiveling it's many eyes in all directions, it sought the speaker but found nothing until a blur of pink raced past one set of eyes, and then another, and another.

A pink pony face appeared before it's main set of eyes. "Wowwee! Are you ever ugly!" Pinkie exclaimed. "No wonder most ponies go bonkers just from seeing you!" The old one swiped at the offending creature with a tentacle, but she merely ducked down out of the way, then rose back into view. "I mean, I know it's rude and all to tell somepony how ugly they are, but you aren't a pony... Anyway, I'm Pinkie Pie, what's your name?"

"P'nk'E'Pi." The old one rumbled.

"Oh come on, there's no way your name is Pinkie too."

Colthulu raged, striking out with it's many tentacles and arms, trying in vain to connect a blow with the annoying pony.

"Now, this isn't very polite you know!" Pinkie shouted. "Then again, I am here to fight you so I guess it's only fair that you get to fight back. Anyway, it's my turn now 'Thuly." She pulled the massive gun, and, pushing herself back off of the old one's body, flipped in mid air, shooting as she went, creating a very Matrix-esque effect with the bullets. Colthulu roared as the shots hit home, somehow actually hurting it, if only a little.

Pinkie landed. "I know what you're thinking 'Thuly baby." She said. "Did I fire twenty-seven shots, or just eighteen? So what you've gotta ask yourself is, 'Did I leave the stove on?' Oh, and you did, you should totally go home and take care of that..."

High above the battle, a quartet of Alicorns watched with interest, and, in one case, confusion. "I don't get this." Twilight said. "According to what you've told me, these old ones are too strong for an alicorn to fight, and too hideous for a non-alicorn to look at and stay sane... So how is Pinkie...?"

"Pinkie was made for this." Celestia answered. "The old one will be unable to harm her seriously due to the changes we made, changes which grant her the unusual abilities you have seen the surface of."

Luna added "And as for her sanity, well, you cannot drive crazy that which is already crazy, now can you?"

Twilight nodded in understanding. It all made sense now.

Below, the old one raged, tentacles lashing out to grab ahold of the small pink creature annoying it.

"Oh buck no!" Pinkie exclaimed, dodging the tentacles, "I've seen enough An-neigh-me to know where this is going!" She starting timing her movements to take advantage of the tentacles, jumping from one to another, climbing higher and higher until she was even with Colthulu's head. Making one last leap, towards the horror, she shouted "Stop! Hammertime!" And pulled a huge mallet out of nowhere, cracking it over Colthulu's head.

The old one roared in pain and swatted Pinkie away, finally connecting with a blow that sent her sailing through the air.

"Oh no!" Twilight exclaimed, "We've gotta get down there!"

"Not so." Celestia replied, blocking Twilight's path. "Watch..."

Pinkie's flight had landed her in a crash, piled up against a mass of debris. Shaking her head, she pulled out a carrot. Nibbling on the end, she looked straight out your monitor at you and said "Of course you realize, this means war..."

Confident that it had disposed of it's foe, Colthulu started to return to it's original path. It was distracted by a sudden loud pattering of hooves and an already too-familiar voice shouting "Honey, I'm Home!"

Pinkie came, running full speed, directly towards the old one. As she came, a set of flashing words appeared over her head: 'Pinkie: Limit Break.' Leaping high into the sky, she hurtled towards her target, and then...

...and then time seemed to stop. "Hey, wait a minute!" Pinkie exclaimed. "What is my limit break anyway? Hmm... It's gotta be a good one... Party cannons? Nope, I can do that all the time. Omnislash? Nah, taken... O.o!!!! I know!"

Time resumed. 'Pinkie: Limit Break: Party Like It's 1999!!!"

Colthulu flinched back, looking all around as balloons, streamers, party favors, and other party effects appeared out of nowhere, filling the skies in all directions. Everything began moving towards the old one. On contact, the balloons exploded, the streamers proved to be razor-edged, and the party favors burned like acid. And worse, the pink one was still coming as well.

The old one grabbed up a large wooden door, holding it between itself and Pinkie. Moments later, the wood was shatter by an axe, a pink face peering through the hole. "Heeeeeere's Pinkie!!!!!!!!!!"

"GRRRAHHHH! P'nk'E'Pi...."

"That's my name, don't wear it out!"

Cutting loose with a primal roar, Colthulu grabbed ahold of Pinkie and tossed her as hard as it could, sending her sailing far away over the horizon. But it took only moments for her to return, this time piloting her helicopter. Batman symbols were painted on it's sides, and Pinkie wore a sixty's era Batman mask. Gummy was along for the ride, dressed as Robin.

"Thank goodness for the bat-copter old chum." Pinkie said in a perfect imitation of Adam West. "And especially for what's loaded in it." She glanced over her shoulder to a series of containers, with labels like "Shark-Repellant Bat-Spray" and "Octopus-Repellant Bat-Spray."

Flying over Colthulu, using the propellers to hack away at it's tentacles, Pinkie dumped the octopus repellant onto the old one's head. "I hope this guy's enough like an octopus for this to work!" Pinkie said.

He wasn't. Thrashing in anger, Colthulu knocked the helicopter from the sky, Pinkie just managing to save herself and Gummy with a grappling rope. "Remember Gummy, safety first! All four claws on the bat-rope!"

Reaching the safety of the ground, Pinkie sent Gummy on his way, then stared at Colthulu. "'Thuly baby, I really didn't wanna have to be this mean..." She whispered. "But you've left me no choice..."

The old one wasn't really surprised when Pinkie rose into the line of sight for it's main set of eyes again. "Hey! Cease-fire for a sec, okay? I got something I wanna show you." She said. Pointing to a spot in the sky, she said "Look there... Yeah, right there..."

The old one looked, but saw nothing, at least at first. But as it looked longer, it began to percieve the a rectangular shape floating in mid-air. Whatever it was, it had a faint silvery shine, and the longer Colthulu looked, the clearer the shape became, and the more it sensed something watching it from the other side. Leaning closer, Colthulu stared, until it saw...

...You, seated at your monitor, reading this story.

"HUMANS!!!!!!!!!" The old one screamed. Horrified, it tried to run for it's life, but tripped over it's own tentacles and fell, cracking it's head and knocking itself unconscious on the ground.

Looking down at her defeated foe, Pinkie smiled. "Well, time to get to work..."

XXXXX

Ponyville, one week later. Rarity sat across from Pinkie, nibbling daintily at her cupcake. "I must say dear, this new flavor is simply divine... But where did you find calamari flavoring around here?"

"Oh, I've got my ways..." Pinkie answered. She looked out at you and winked...