Nothing and Everything
I called myself Sacrif and I am pegasus. I was born 13 years ago in Ponyville, in my own house, I guess. And at this moment my public life story ends. Actually, I don’t remember anything from my early “childhood” – if you can call it like that. My earliest recollection, that stuck in my memory, is my father in the bloody kilt, holding pincers in his hands. I don’t know, what happened after it - I’ve fainted. Probably nothing special happened – from what I saw, torture someone who passed out makes no joy. Fortunately, because I was fainting very often. Sometimes I pretended that condition – but almost always, it came out to light. Effect? Easy to predict. And worse than usually. As a punishment.
I don’t know, why did they do it. Maybe they were just insane? I don’t know. In any case, it caused them pleasure. Huge pleasure.
I have never been outside. I have lived in dark basement with no windows. I didn’t know, what the live is. I didn’t know, what joy is. I didn’t know what God is. But i knew, I felt that there is someone above this world. I called it Almighty. Sometimes i had uncertainties to the name i gave to it.. If it really can do everything, why won’t he save me? Maybe he is like my parents? I don’t know. But every day of my life i asked him for death. Quick, bloodless death. Not for my parents.. For me..
One day, when I was lying next to the doors, I saw, that they’re not closed. I crawled to them and looked what is behind. It lasted maybe 15 seconds – then my mother grabbed my leg and pulled me to the house. But these 15 seconds were completely enough. During this time I have seen more things, than in my whole life. There was blue, cloudless sky ever me.. Before me there was green, flourishing lawn. Some houses, flours, fences, shrubs. I saw other ponies too – I saw blue pegasus with rainbow hairs, flying over the ground. I saw two baby unicorns, conducted by their mother. I saw little, sad filly. Her face looked really sad. Her short, purple hairs were slinged on one side of the face. She looked beautiful. I have never seen something wonderful as her. I wonder, what’s her name? She’s so sad... I don’t know her and I will never do. But is that necessary to admire her? „I’ll miss her” – I thought. Every next night I was thinking about her. She’s so beautiful…
Many times I was thinking about escape from that prison. When I realized, that there is wonderful world behind doors, amazing world full of good and beauty, my desire to escape became reinforced. At heart, I was grateful to Almighty, that he gave me a chance to look at the world he created. He gave me one of the most valuable things in pony’s life – hope. Hope for escape and life. True life.
From this moment I have prayed to him stronger than ever. I have believed, that he created such wonderful filly, like that sad pegasus, who I have seen - if he can do that, he can do anyything. Every second of my life I spent on praying. My requests weren’t listened, but i had hope.
One day i thought – what if my parents overdo and I will die? What’s happening with pony after death? That thought worried me so hard, I started to imagine Afterlife. It’s wonderful place, waiting for ponies, who are leaving world. I imagined that there is a lot of grass and hundreds of trees on it. There are fast-flowing streams beyond the trees, forest creatures and other ponies are romping and they’re all happy, because they were good before they died.They didn’t oppress anyone. They didn’t torture anyone. That’s why they get a prize - going to that wonderful place. And you can think I’m mad, but all the time I thought: „I really want to die”. My wish came true faster, than i expected.
June 15, I remember, i lost a lot of blood.They were exceptionally this day. I was lying in the middle of basement and i heard:
-What the hell have you done – my mother was shouting – you’re gonna kill him!
-Call down, woman! He’ll be alright! He’s always alright!
-It’s enough for today. He will haemorrhage. I’m not going to get pregnant again, do you hear me?!
-Oh, yes you are, if it will be necessary, understood?
-Oh, no, no, no, man! I will never...
They argued so much, that they didn’t even see me. And I was close to the End. I cannot explain it, but i felt something. I don’t know, what. SOMETHING.
I was leaving slowly.I felt like somepony, who backed from work and now he’s going to bed. I didn’t feel the pain – I had feeling, that I’m going somewhere. I’m going somewhere and with each step I’m departing. I’m leaving.
Next few seconds were lasting for hours. First I’ve lost my sight in the Pony world. At the same time I get it in the new world, mysterious and uncharted.The first thing I saw was a long, infinite tunnel, which has a light in the middle of it. I wasn’t afraid – on the contrary, I felt relaxed and pacified. Then I’ve lost my hearing in the Pony world –and I get it in the tunnel. I heard something sounds like hot kettle.
Suddenly everything’s gone – I returned to the Pony world. I couldn’t hear or see anything. I knew it is my lost moment in this world. The last moment before my death.I felt oppression on my back, like huge scissors. I didn’t feel pain - just big oppression. When the scissors closed, I was gone. I felt I’m falling. I’m falling in the dark.
It was 15 June, evening. Few days before begin of the summer. That’s when Sacrif, 13 years old pegasus, died.
* * * *
One day, when my parents stopped torturing me, I get big knife from the table and I sticked it to my mother’s hoof. Literally I’ve nailed her to the floor. I knew, what will happen. I knew, I’ll be punishment, but it was worth it. Parents went to the hospital. Of course they closed the doors, but I had few hours just for me. I went upstairs, to their room. It looked pretty simply - bed, some shelves, furnitures. From this all crap, there was one worth of attention thing - big picture on the wall. There was farmhouse on the background of golden grain. I looked on it like hypnotized and I was imagining me, in the picture. I was lying on the grass and I was looking at the sky. I had no worries. Just lying, that’s all. I didn’t need anything else to be happy. “Who wants something more than rest, grass and sky?” - I was thinking. I was quite surprised, that my cruel parents had such beautiful picture, completely not matching to them. Then I was quickly silencing myself - I was saying: “Why am I worried? I’m lying on the grass, I’m looking at the sky, there is small, homely house behind me. Life is beautiful...” Of course i changed my mind when my parents returned.
When i fell in the hard ground, I smelled beautiful scent. I couldn’t call it - unfortunately, because it’s worth of the most beautiful poems and words I couldn’t even speak. That smell made me feel like going somewhere. Where? I didn’t knew. But there was strong need inside of me to go forward and forward.
I stood up. When I looked at my body, I thought, everything’s allright. Blood has disappeared, like bruises and scratches I felt like I’m dreaming - so I made sure, that I’m not. I was trying to wake up - with no effect .
I looked around me. I was on the field, full of flowers, blue and smelling. I felt I’ve got to go. Suddenly I felt that I must pick up one of the flours, which I was looked all the time. In other situation I would think that it has no sense, because there wasn’t anything but these flours in my view. But I decided to come down and do it. Just when I grabbed it in my teeth, I thought, that the ground is shaking. Ground I was standing at was like clothe upset at the left side. After few seconds I saw totally different view. I was standing on the rocky coast, washed by foamy water. There were huge, stone gate in front of me.I was not decorated - just stone gate ruined by the time. When I did few steps, I felt I’m walking on the soft grass. Then my hooves were hitting metal tiles. They were small, square and there was a sign “alpha” on it, which means “begin”. And it really was begin of the exile. Where? I didn’t knew.
I took few steps forward. Waves were hitting the coast, but i didn’t hear anything but my own hooves. I walked to the gate. When I stood in front of it, it opened. I saw Nothing inside. That Nothing was huge, it filled almost all cave. How does Nothing looks? It doesn’t. It’s not shiny or dark. It’s not odorless, but it’s not smelling too. It’s not material, but it isn’t a ghost. In fact, I don’t know, what is it - but my mind told me, that it is Nothing.
I decided to go along the edge of Nothing. I didn’t touch it, because I was scared, something will happen. I was walking when i heard:
-Hey, watch out! You almost touched it!
Someone stood next to me, I guess it was a pony. I didn’t know, because the only thing i could see was his orange eyes.
-Can you tell me where am I? What’s happened? And who are you? – I have never spoken to anyone in the Pony world, but I was doing fine with it here.
-Let’s start from the beginning, consequently from the end. I am your Guardian and I am gonna lead you. What’s happened to you? Well, I’m not the one who should know, huh? And now you’re in the...hmm... actually, you should know it! Are you stupid or something!
-Please, don’t be silly – I told with the pretension in my voice – tell me.
-What should I tell?
-I don’t know. I’ve just died, beaten by my own parents and I have no idea, where I am or is there any sense in it... is there some sense with anything... In fact - I don’t care, what you’re gonna tell me. Just please, tell something. Whatever.
-OK, I’ll tell. I’ll tell you, there is a long road waiting for you. Remember: keep forward and forward! Savvy?
-What road, what are you... - but in this moment Guardian disappeared. Or he closed his eyes. Much of muchness. I didn’t care about it, I was still walking. I had darkness at my right side and Nothing at left. Then I returned to the gate. I did a full circle. I did it one more time. I hadn’t no idea what to do. I decided to see, what’s inside of the Nothing. I did few steps. I walked in like ine the jelly and I left dark cave behind me.
I was in the air. I haven’t had material form, but I existed. I was the air or some part of it. I was in the Pony world - I felt it. I was watching Ponyville from the bird’s eye view. Weather was nice, it was sunshine. There were few clouds nearby.
I came down. Down here ponies have led their usual life. I mean it seemed on the usual life. Little fillies were running and playing in the whole town. I think they were playing in some kind of a game I didn’t knew. They haven’t had any reason to worry.
There was blue pegasus that I have seen him before, walking the lane. He had, or, actually, she had rainbow dissolved mane. She looked quite nice. I was looking at her and I was thinking: “no, no, no, what am I doing! I don’t wanna look at her. I wanna look at HER”. I flew through all the city to meet her. Unfortunately, I couldn’t see her. But another thing caught in my eyes. Crowd near my parents’ house. And it was getting bigger. Something drew here half the town. I saw very upset ponies’ faces. I heard some parts of talking around me.
-...You heard, what happened?
-Yes, I did... horrible... how could this happened? - two friends were talking.
-In my days, wonderful days of previous government - annuity would be the mildest penalty! I can’t even think about it! - grumbled the old pony.
-Poor, little boy... poor... - said purple unicorn
Of course I knew what - or who are they talking about. I flew near the house and I saw two policemares, talking with young pegasus.
-We must write a report, so would you be so kind and tell us, what do you know? - said bored mrs. lieutenant.
-Yes, my name is Carol and I’m leaving next to this house. I’m the neighbor. Efinks were always so quiet... you know. We weren’t talking to each other, just “good morning” and things like that. No closer contacts. So yesterday my little sis, Saddie, told me, that she smells something very disgusting outside. So I went to see it. Horrible smell. It was coming from Efinks’ house. So I walked to the door and I heard... I heard...
-Keep calm, mrs. Carol, keep calm.
-I’m sorry... I heard they were talking where... where they could bury... bury...
-Thank you so much, you mustn’t tell anything more. - Carol breathed a sigh of relief - so we will leave you now, just one more question. Did you know that Enfiks have a child?
-No.
-Alright Thank you so much, you can return to your home... but it won’t be easy... that horrible crowd. Stand back! Everyone, stand back!
I saw that my parents are leaving house with the company of two broad-shouldered policeponies. They were good wearing, they were very clean as always. What an elegance. When they left the house, they heard insults. Some braver ponies came at them and started to hit them. Policeponies were just looking at it. I think that they were hitting them too.
Two doctors came out of the house. They had stretcher behind them. There was something on it.... It looks like...
It was me.
Just when I saw it, I felt THIS again. I felt that I’m falling and I’m losing my minds. Falling... falling... falling...
* * * *
I was really often thinking about killing my parents. I think everyone, who would lived as me, would think about it. But i haven’t done anything, except putting knife in my mother’s hoof. But I was preparing to kill them - I took a scalpel from the bathroom. I hid it in my mouth. I thought that this game is worth the candle - I was wrong. When I was about to do it, I’ve just spat it out. That’s all.
Long time ago I wished my parents experience the same things as me. But after some time I understood, that there is no sense in it. Is that punishment really necessary? Is not that enough pain on this world? Maybe it’s better to stop than start? I don’t know. And I’ve never known. But i felt, that I’m thinking right.
When I landed, I wasn’t - what was weird - in the Nothing. I think it’s logical, that when you come back somewhere, you’re at the same place you left, right? Right, that would bo logical. But it isn’.
I was in the place I cannot describe. First I thought I’m in the Nothing. But soon I understood that I’m Everywhere.
I was inside Everything. What Everything is? As you can guess, I don’t know the answer, but I felt, that I must do something. But what?
Everything was white. White, white, all white. Only one thing wasn’t white - profile of pony, against the background of the white sky. I couldn’t do anything else to, so I came closer.
-I see, that you’re not in Nowhere now - it was the Guardian - You were too careless, too much careless! You see, how tiny is the boundary between Nothing and Everything? If you’re not careless, you will walk through that boundary! You must balance between Nothing and Everything, savvy?
-No.
-Me too. But maybe you will understand it by the Everything?
-But... there’s nothing here! Tell me, what should I do?
-You can do everything in Everything! Your last question, I mean first question - what are you talking about? There is everything! Just look - he said. OK, turn around.
I did what he said. Suddenly, like by magic, someone removed the white thing covering Everything. And I saw amazing things. I was in the place from my parents’ picture. I stood next to the small farmhouse and I was surrounded by variety of cereals. Over me - blue sky. Oh, how wonderful! I couldn’t stop, I ran the sandy road through these all cereals. I stopped after few minutes and I lied down on the ground. I was looking at the sky. I saw thousands of birds, which were creating some weird shapes by their stunts. Their wings weren’t moving - they were just in the sky, waiting for end of the world.
I rested few hours and then I felt hunger. Just when I thought I‘d like to eat something, picnic tablecloth appeared - there were pies, sandwiches sweets - everything I asked. Oh, how wonderful life!
I spent in Everything one week, I think. I spent days on running in the cereal, slipping, lying and eating. I saw, that first day lasted 24 hours, but other days were longer. Much, much longer.
Last day in Everything I lied in the cereal five minutes, which took me five hours! I didn’t know, what’s happening. To kill the time, I started thinking about Pony world. I wonder, what’s with my parents? Were they punished? Maybe they’re dead? And what’s with me? Did I have a funeral? Probably so, but who came to see it? No one knew me. But I’m pretty sure, that whole town will be on my funeral. It’s quite funny - no one knows me, everyone’s mourns for me. It’s damn weird feeling, being mourned.
These thoughts quickly disappeared and I started thinking about Her. I wonder, what’s her name? I wonder, was she on my funeral? I wonder what would it be, if I meet her? Would she like me?
This moment something unbelievable happened - I started to miss the Pony world! I would survive all the tortures, I would survive all the torments, but I can not survive separation!
I stood up and came forward. I went outside the picture and I was inside the Everything again. There was beautiful, country scenery behind me and white desert in front of me.
-Hey, where are you going? – asked Guardian, who appeared behind me in one moment.
-I don’t know.
-Oh, I see.
-I do not know, but I’m sure of one thing - I can’t survive living like that! Life in abundance, full of rest, happiness, joy... no! I am choking here, Guardian, choking! I don’t need Everything, because I haven’t got Nothing!
-I told you, I understand. You mustn’t tell anything, I know, what you feel.
-How to get out of there? – I asked pleadingly, I didn’t care, what was he talking – I beg you on my knees, how?
-Why you want to get out of there?
-Cause... cause...
-But you’ve got Everything!
-It’s not truth! I have nothing! I never had! I don’t want rest, I don’t want peace! I just want to see what true life is!
-I’m sorry, but... but you’re dead.
-Bring me to the Pony World... please! I know you can do it!
-Me? – he was laughing – I can’t. But you - yes. You must know, that if Everything is not enough for you, you must find Nothing. I’ll give you a tip - go forward and forward! And watch your hair!
He disappeared. Go forward? I wanted to do it. But... what’s going on with that hair?
I went on the long walk. I was walking through the white desert for some time and then Everything started to changing on my eyes. Now I was on the flowery meadow, ful of bees and grasshoppers. With each step the scenery was changing - when I was on the field, there was Spring. But with each next step, the seasons were changing as in a kaleidoscope. In fact, I didn’t knew where or when am I.
Suddenly I saw... farmhouse from the picture. I did a full circle. “Go forward and forward” - that’s what Guardian said. So I did it until house blocked my way. I looked at back wall of the house so long, that I almost got nystagmus. Down this wall, almost on the ground, I saw black stain, something like a blot.
-Look at it! – shouted Guardian. He scared me, I didn’t knew, that he’s right behind me. So I did what he asked for. I was looking for details on the blot and then I saw an inscription. The letters has arranged to words:
William D.
-It’s a caption of the author of the picture – said Guardian – can you believe, that this pony isn’t known as a painter? Can you believe, that he thinks, that this picture is the worst he’s ever painted? He thinks that, because... it’s boring in his opinion. Just boring.
We were still looking at the caption. Guardian continued:
-You know, when you were in the Pony world, values presented on this picture were the most important for you... Then you saw Her. And now you know, what is the most important thing. This picture... this house, this area... this signature... is now Nothing for you.
I pulled my hand to the caption and I touched it by my hoof. Everything disappeared. Just disappeared. I returned to the Pony world. But this time I wasn’t in the air. This time I was in the basement. Basement... my life...
Something changed inside. There wasn’t any blood, pieces of skin. Someone cleaned it all. I was watching basement very carefully and I’ve remembered everything I left here. In the corner there was my bed, but without the mattress or the pillow which I used to hide my head under it in the night. That pillow was always wet because of my tears.
I went upstairs. Here there were a lot of changes too - there weren’t any furnitures. What’s going on? Maybe they’re preparing house for demolition? I hope so.
I went outside and I left this house behind me forever. I decided to look around. There weren’t crowds on the streets - few ponies, that’s all. Probably adults went to the job and children went to the school. I wonder how old children goes to the school? I wonder if She comes to the school too?
There was big house in front of me, actually it looked like a library. I looked through the window. Books were everywhere. I saw young, purple dragon too. He was washing the floor. I wonder if dragons can talk?
I was still walking. I couldn’t read from it, but in some reason, I knew, that it’s the afternoon.
I was near the school. Suddenly, bell rang. Little ponies were leaving the house. I was looking at them. I thought, that if grow in normal family, I would with them now.... I would walk to the house... eat the dinner... meet someone, play with someone... go to bed... Oh my, life must be beautiful.
-Hey, Saddie! Why won’t you play with us, huh? - I heard some pony. He was leaving the school. He looked quite well-built. Saddie... I think I know that name... Saddie... it’s nice name.
Then I saw that other ponies (well-built too - and probably they had the same IQ) are surrounding a filly. I walked closer. First I saw her mane. It reminded me something... Then I saw face... that sweet face... that was Her. Saddie.
At the same time my heart was full of angry and love. Saddie... my darling Saddie... stop surrounding her! Stop torturing them Stop! I ran at them. Then I felt something strange. I felt like puzzle, which are consisted by someone. Then I felt the wind. I felt soft grass under my hooves. I was alive. I was alive again.
When they saw me, they became worried. I was bigger then them, but I’m sure I wasn’t stronger - but they were scared of me. They ran away.
I was next to Saddie. She’s so beatiful... there is no words to describe her... she was looking at me, I was looking at her.
-Are you OK?
She didn’t answer by words. She just smiled. Smiled really truly. She was happy... I had feeling, that it’s her first smile ever. Saddie... my dear Saddie...
She turned around and walked away. She turned to me again and said something. I don’t know, what, but I’m sure that her voice is beautiful.
-Yeaaa…. – sighed Guardian.
-And you appear always in the least expected moment - I said.
-Beautiful mare. You know what? I think that she will never forget you.
We were looking at her. She was walking away. Her profile became lower and suddenly it disappeared.
-I don’t want back to te Everything - I said - I’d like to stay here, in the Pony world. Forever.
-No, we won’t back to the Everything. In fact, that was real hell, don’t you think? It’s... eating a pony. We will go in some better place. Come on.
Few moments later I woke up, lying on my back. I smelled flowers. Beautiful scent. I stood up and I saw blue flowers.
-As you remember, when you were here for the first time, you were wondering, how do these flowers cals. They call “forget-me-not”. Very nice. But, unfortunately, we won’t admire them too much time. Get ready.
World upset on the other side, just like before. I was on the coast again. Now something changed. Water was still, weather was very nice. There was a gate in front of me - but much smaller than this one, which leads to Nothing. I stood on the metal tiles. Every of them had sign “omega”. End. End of the road.
I opened the gate. Very long tunnel - and little light in the end of it. I knew this tunnel.
-But this time you must go to the end! Just try to come back here! - he was laughing.
-What will happen with you, Guardian?
-With me? I don’t know. I’ll be Guardian of some other pony. That’s my job.
-Can you... can you take care of... you know, I’m really worried about her... I don’t know...
-Of course I will do it for you.r.
I turned back and ran into a tunnel.
I spent 13 years on this world. 13. Hardly I was born, I left. I didn’t live and I haven’t had true life. I haven’t had anything.
No friendship.
No good..
No love..
I wish to everypony to live long and happily and I wish everypony understand the world. Learn the world. Learn how to make good. Learn how to love.
I came to the end of the tunnel.
Finally I’m home.
The End
