Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
I just don't care. There. I wrote something. whatever
Thursday
Friday
im so stupid
Saturday
Sunday
Blah
Monday
Tuesday
Doctor Kelp said writing is supposed to help. She says I only have to write on days I feel like writing, but It doesn't seem like its working. I told her that, and she said it would take some time. I don't know, I can't see myself doing this for long. It's pointless, but then again, so is everything else. No. That's not true. I just don't know what the point is. Dr. Kelp said to just start writing and put everything in your head onto paper, but nothing in my head is worth the effort.
Wednesday
I was supposed to go to the picnic today. Just off to the side of the plaza where everypony usually meets. I was supposed to bring the truffles I made at the bakery. Bon Bon said they were really good, but I knew better. They were bland and the chocolate was all wrong. I'm sure they were disgusting, so I didn't bring them. I didn't even go. I'm sure all of the other treats would have been better anyway. I spent the day in bed.
Bon Bon came home and yelled at me about missing the picnic. I told her I was sorry but I don't think she believes me. She said she could have spent the time teaching me to make truffles to actually do something useful. She said next time I'm feeling lazy I should just tell her instead of getting her hopes up and ditching out at the last second. But why would she have her hopes up for me to come to a stupid picnic? She won't anymore.
Friday
I cried yesterday. I don't know why, I just couldn't stop. It's like everything is messed up but nothing is wrong I guess. But that doesn't make any sense. Bon Bon kind of mumbled an apology and asked if I wanted to go to Octavia's concert tomorrow in Canterlot? I shrugged. I think she'd have a better time without me. I told her that, and she said it wasn't true, and I was just being stupid. I am pretty stupid.
Saturday
We went to the concert. Octavia did wonderfully, like usual. I could hear her all the way from the back. She plays like an angel. Do angels have concerts in heaven? I don't know. Maybe one day I'll find out. After the concert, we all went to Paradise; that new restaurant in the upper district. Octavia and Vinyl Scratch, Me, Bon Bon, Black Bell, and Gold Note. Is it weird to be surrounded by friends and yet feel really alone? It doesn't make sense and I hate myself because I know it doesn't make any sense but I just keep feeling that way. I shouldn't have come to the concert. Now I can't leave. I can't just stand up and walk out of the restaurant, or leave Bon Bon all alone. Everytime I go out I pretend to be loud and energetic to hide how shy I am. It takes a lot of energy. I should have been an actor, I'm good at pretending. They'll never know how I push everything into the background just to talk to them.
Tuesday
I didn't get out of bed on Monday. I took my pills like I was supposed to, but I just couldn't figure out what the point was. Bon Bon kept asking me if I was sick. I told her I was fine but I don't think she believed me. I spent most of the day reading about Notails. They're this book series about these creatures long, long ago, that walked upright, had no fur and no tails. They used to be able to use magic, but it was stolen from them by the main antagonist of the series, so they have to invent all of these contraptions to compensate for it. They were always working together, and helping each other and trying to solve problems by thinking and figuring out work-arounds to common everyday issues we take for granted. The main character, Fillup just invented a, well it's difficult to explain. It basically amounts to a sling shot, but he calls it a slinger. I want to go there. I want to be in that world where everyone has lost something and yet they still manage to be happy and work together and solve their problems. I want to be happy too. I don't understand why this is so hard. Why does everything have to be so hard? Why do I have to be different? Whats wrong with me?
Thursday
Octavia came by and asked if I wanted to practice with her. She said I would be a shoe in if I wanted a role in the orchestra and my skill with the strings was unbelievable. I told her I could practice for a little while. We played for a bit while Bon Bon worked at her little shop. She said I didn't need to bother coming in to help since I wasn't feeling well. I didn't argue. When we were finished Octavia told me I was one of the best string players in all of Equestria and I was committing a crime by not putting it to use.
I told her I'd think about it. I guess I can play pretty well. It's easy enough for me, but I just don't care. I wish I could. I really really wish I could. I wish I could care about something. Or anything. But it's like there's some hollow place inside that everyone else has filled up and mine is all empty. Like the world stopped being interesting a long time ago, and all the colors faded away. I wish I could be like everyone else. I wish I could get my life together and be successful like Bon Bon or Octavia or even Vinyl Scratch, but I'm not. I can't. It's like there's this really dark cave, and everyone is walking through with a flashlight, and I'm way behind, trying to keep up with only a candle. I hate it here. I hate it.
Friday
sick. sick of it all im just sick of it all and i want all the hurting to stop please please please make it stop
Saturday
I couldn't sleep. I went to my place. A little pond in the Everfree forest. That's where I am right now. There're lightning bugs and the summer sky smells sweet. I was playing my lyre. I used to like the sound of it. I guess I liked it so much that it ended up being my cutie mark when I was little. Now it's all just noise to me. There's a picture of a lyre in my hip, which is supposed to mean something, but how is it supposed to mean something if you can't care about it anymore. I lost the ability to care a long time ago. I wish it would come back.
Sunday
I wanted to snuff out the candle last night. There's no point, but I told Bon Bon who got really scared and screamed at me. I guess I was scared too so I went with her to the doctor's place. It wasn't a good night.
Monday
Doctor gave me some new pills. Said they were supposed to help keep the dark thoughts away. That's what she calls them, but to me they make sense. I'm just taking up air anyway and wasting everypony's time. I wish someone would just give me a flashlight, but there aren't enough to go around. Bon Bon says I'll get better soon and we can have fun again and go back to the way we were before I was sick. I don't know why it made me cry, but it did. She sat there with me though. She even closed down the shop and held me for a little while. It was nice.
Tuesday
Jennyfur died in the book I was reading. It made me kind of sad because she was Fillup's friend and now he has to go on the story without her. I was sad because I want to trade places with her. If it would bring her back, I happily would. I want someone to care about me like that. But nopony does. It's hard to care about somepony who doesn't even care about herself.
Wednesday
Dr. Kelp gave me more new pills. I don't know why I keep going back there. They don't do anything anyway. Nothing helps, but Dr. Kelp says to give it more time. I don't know how much more time I have left to give. Eating is a chore I'd rather not do. I spent the rest of the day in bed.
Friday
We went out to the park and sat on our bench. Bon Bon asked me how I sit the way I do and I told her you just had to stop caring and just let the world pass you by. She told me I was good at that, and I told her I had lots of practice. For some reason that made me laugh, and I don't know why.
Saturday
Bon Bon took me skating. It was really really weird. I don't know why all of a sudden she wanted to go skating, I fell on my butt so much I don't think I'll be able to sit at my bench for a week. Bon Bon said she'd kiss it all better if I liked. I didn't know she would say something like that and I didn't know I could turn that shade of red. I know she was just joking but it made me tingle a little. Then we went home. That was okay. We had a good day.
Sunday
I finished my book. Fillup defeated the antagonist by pretending to be done for when the evil wizard had beaten him. The wizard was so occupied with Fillup he didn't notice one of Fillup's friends; P'tear had the slinger and shot him in the back of the head. The wizard asked how they managed to make it into his castle after everything they had to go through and Fillup said he just had to push through. Push through. Deal with it and keep walking, one step at a time and don't give up. I kind of like that.
Monday
I got out of bed today. It's dreary and raining and wet but I pushed through. I did it. I took something out of the book and made it my own. I'll never be able to meet P'tear and Fillup and Jennyfur, but I can use what they taught me. I helped in Bon Bon's bakery for a while. It felt nice.
Tuesday
I cleaned the house. Bon Bon freaked out when she got home. It was hilarious. She kept asking if I had a fever and told me I needed to lay down and she'd get a doctor. I told her I just felt like doing it and she asked me since whens the last time I felt like doing anything? I had no idea. Where did this come from?
Thursday
We had another picnic. I tried to make the truffles again, but I messed them up. I'm a complete screw up. I didn't go to the picnic but this time I sort of wanted to go anyway. But they would have laughed at how stupid my chocolates are. Why do I do these things to myself? Why would I try and compete with Bon Bon? It isn't fair. It's all just stupid. But I still wanted to go. Sort of. Is that weird?
Friday
Octavia came over to play with me again. We got a really good rhythm going this time and it was kind of fun. I like doing that. I don't think I wanna join the orchestra but I like just having those jam sessions. There wasn't any rhyme or reason to it, we were just playing music. Then Octavia went home and the world was boring again.
Saturday
The doctor told me things would get better, but now it's just weird. I got really mad yesterday because Bon Bon was yelling at me about using the wrong chocolate. I tried at least, but she said that wasn't the point. I never used to get mad about this sort of thing, but I yelled back and we ended up yelling at each other. I wanted my feelings to come back for a long time now, but I expected them to come back at the same time, not one by one. There's something wrong with me, and it's pissing me off. I'm angry all the time now.
Sunday
I went to my place again at Everfree and tried to play my lyre but I couldn't get the notes right. I used to be able to play really well and now it's all garbled noise. I got really mad and threw the lyre in the lake. It was stupid anyway. Of all the things in the world why did THAT have to be my cutie mark? This place sucks. I wish I were a notail. They don't have cutiemarks, they can do whatever they want without worrying if it's part of their destiny or not. Heck, they can make their OWN destiny. Why can't I carve out a destiny for myself, that isn't this stupid lyre? Why am I trapped in this world? This life? I hate this. I hate all of it.
Monday
The doctor gave me new pills again, but I didn't wanna take them. I don't care anymore. It really doesn't matter since the world is just- well it can burn for all I care. Bon Bon says shes worried about me, but she can suck an egg. All she cares about is cooking and candy anyway, but it's not like she can hope to compete against Sugar Cube Corner. It's all pointless, like everything else.
Wednesday
I've been taking the new pills. the world went back to being boring, I guess. Is this supposed to be life? Is this how life is? Is this as good as it gets? This CAN'T be it. This just can't be. I hate this place. This world. This life. If only I could figure it all out. Why do I only still have a candle? The pills were supposed to make me better! I just want a flashlight! I just want to be able to see!!
Thursday
WHAT IS THE POINT! WHAT IS IT?! WHY WON'T ANYPONY TELL ME?! ITS ALL POINTLESS! ALL OF IT!
Friday
Yesterday was not a good day, but today is shaping out to be okay! I got the truffles right!! They were PERFECT! It's like, suddenly everything sucks, and you suddenly just, suddenly you know, you're ok. Everything is ok. It just happened. I could focus and I wasn't off track and it was like magic. There wasn't a picnic to go to, and I was kind of angry about that, but next time I'll ready. It doesn't make any sense to be angry at something that doesn't exist, does it? I finally made the truffles correctly and I'm really really mad there isn't a picnic to share them at, even if I wouldn't have gone in the first place. Celestia, I'm such a screw up. Even when I get it right, I get it wrong.
Saturday
The doctor said she needed to tweak the dosage a little bit. This made me mad, but I don't know why. She said it takes time, and obviously something was working inside of my head, so not to fret. This made me even more angry, but I kept quiet about it. I miss my lyre.
Sunday
I got my lyre back. I got seriously pissed off that I didn't have it anymore. So I decided to retrieve it. I had to go all the way to the bottom of the lake to get it, but I got it and cleaned it and fixed it. It feels good to play it again. I wonder why I never thought of it before. Maybe the lyre isn't what I'm supposed to do, but it's something that I can do, and do it well, if I choose to. It doesn't mean it's my destiny. How weird.
Monday
I pushed through again. I got out of bed and marched down stairs and helped Bon Bon with her bakery. We ended up getting into a flour fight, and I thought she'd be mad but she wasn't. We cleaned everything up and worked together and I guess it was sort of a good day.
Tuesday
The latest book of Notails came out, and Bon Bon came with me to the midnight release at the book store. It was pretty cool, since lots of ponies there dressed up as their favorite characters and everyone was talking about how cool the Notails were and I totally lost track of time. It was really late by the time we got home, but I was so excited I had to read the first chapter right away. The Notails lost their magic again and Fillup was asked to find out why. So far it appears it may not be gone, but just changed. I don't know why this is so exciting, but I like this feeling I want to hold onto it. I need to hold onto it. I wish I was there again.
Thursday
Push through right? I got out of bed yesterday and did my chores and took a walk around the town. The sun was in the sky and it felt kind of nice. I don't get that much sun these days because most of the time I stay inside and stare at all the ponies who have it 'all together' outside. I wish I could be like them but I don't know why. Does that make any sense at all? Does being successful mean being happy? Do I have to be like them to be successful? Why is my life so screwed up? When I got around to going home, Octavia was waiting for me to do another practice session. I asked if she'd like to play out front of Bon Bon's bakery. So, that afternoon we played music in the sunlight and we made 42 bits between us just doing a silly jam session. It was kind of fun.
Friday
Ok, another picnic is tomorrow. I made truffles again, and they're awesome! Bon Bon is so proud of me! I'm so proud of me! Tomorrow things are going to be absolutely fantastic!! I put them all in a little basket and covered them up with flower decorated cloth! I don't know why I'm so happy over this stupid little accomplishment, but it feels good and I have no idea why. It's just good. It's good.
Saturday
I almost chickened out again. I was afraid they'd make fun of the way I sit on a bench. Or the way my truffles looked. It's like I can't stop coming up with silly excuses why they might not want to hang out with me, even though we've hung out plenty of times before. It's weird. But Bon Bon said she'd take my truffles to them and said it was alright if I didn't want to come. She understands I have a new book to read and I'm totally obsessed with it, but it wasn't about the book. I wanted to see my friends but something in my head was holding me back. Bon Bon said that was okay and gave me a hug, and said they'll still be your friends tomorrow, even if you don't see them, and...I guess that makes sense. They didn't make friends with me because of the truffles in the first place, so there's that too. But I felt like I was letting them down, and she told me, they'd still be my friends none the less. I don't know why, but that kind of made sense. It was a really weird day. Then she told me I could leave whenever I wanted and if it was ok, she'd even make up a reason we both had to go somewhere and that way I wouldn't feel the pressure if I wanted to leave early. I laughed because she gave me this weird little wink wink, ear wiggle thing as a secret sign if I ever needed to go and even if I did, she'd come with me because she promised she's my friend and I'm hers and we'd stick together.
I really like Bon Bon.
Like, really.
She told me things were going to be alright and for some reason,
Well...
I guess I believe her.
So I'm headed off to the picnic.
Write more when I get back!
Author's Note
Felt like writing about Lyra and depression. It feels a lot like this, doesn't it? I wanted to try and write something people could relate to. Maybe tie somethings together. If other people (ponies) feel like this, maybe you can realize you're not alone.
