Caffeine and Ponies Don't Mix
Wired
Pinkie Pie sat in the warm kitchen of Sugarcube Corner, one eye on the oven timer as she waved a paper fan about, trying to keep herself cool. Sweat poured down her brow as she stared out at the sunny skies. If not for this stupid heat wave, she would be outside enjoying the summer weather. A fine day for the Cakes' air conditioning system to break down.
The bell on the oven sounded and Pinkie reluctantly pulled the door open. A scorching wave of four-hundred degrees struck her in the face as she tried to extract the batch of brownies before recoiling and searching for some oven mitts. This heat was beginning to get to her. She rummaged through the drawers for a washcloth and ran it under the sink before placing it on her forehead. The cool water made her feel so much better, but it didn't do much for the headache she'd had since the day had grown warmer.
"Let's see what we've got to drink," Pinkie said. Instead of her usual hop, she practically crawled to the refridgerator and wrenched the door open. A blast of cold air flowed from the open appliance, making her shiver with delight. The cold air felt so good against her sweat-soaked fur. As much as she wanted to simply stand there with the fridge open or lay her head on the sack of peas in the freezer, she knew better.
She looked around in the fridge and spotted a multitude of drinks, but for whatever reason water, milk, and lemonade didn't seem so appealing. She wanted something more citrusy, something sour. Just as she went to close the fridge, she spied a tall orange can, about two soda cans in height, with odd lettering on the side. Judging by the color of the container, she assumed its contents were the same flavor as the fruit the can bore the color of..
"Ooh, orange soda! I love orange soda!" Pinkie happily popped the tab on the soda can and took a swig. Her lips puckered up as her tongue was met with the unfamiliar taste of passion fruit. It wasn't bad, just unexpected. The soda maked her teeth feel a little strange, almost fuzzy, and to her surprise her tail gave a brief twitch.
"That's funny. What's making my tail get all twitchy? I'm inside, so nothing's gonna fall on me."
Pinkie glanced over at the clock on the wall and noticed the speed at which the second hand rotated. Did it seem slower? No, that's crazy! Soda doesn't make ponies time travel!
She took another drag of the strange soda, swirling the tart beverage around in her mouth and studying it with her tongue. It was her left leg's turn to start twitching, and the back of her neck began to feel slightly clammy. In the back of her mind, a single thought began to spark.
You want to run, right? Yeah, run! Running is fun! What the hay is in this drink?
Pinkie shrugged the thought away and downed the rest of the can in one gulp. In one brief instant, her entire body shuddered as the ingredients began to hit her bloodstream. She felt herself tense up and heard her heart pounding in her ears. She could feel every pulse, every muscle twitch. She looked back at the clock again.
The second hand had stopped moving.
Hey, Pinkie! Hey, let's run!
Rainbow Dash sat underneath the shade of an oak tree in the center of town, staring up at the clear sky through her sunglasses. She didn't like the heat wave as much as anypony else, but the pegasi had a schedule to stick to. Besides, a single day of high heat wasn't so bad. Last year, it had been a whole week of heat and the town practically revolted in an attempt to acquire cooler weather.
The pegasus stretched her legs and leaned back against the trunk of the tree. Her eyes blinked reflexively and she suddenly found herself face-to-face with Pinkie Pie.
"Oh, hey Pinkie! Beautiful day, huh?"
The party pony didn't answer. A wide smile was painted on her face and her right hoof tapped at the ground rapidly. Rainbow Dash lifted her shades and noticed that Pinkie's bright blue were almost completely dilated. She may not have known much about medicine, but the pegasus sensed that something was very wrong with her friend, especially since Pinkie hadn't blinked once and hadn't broke eye contact since she appeared.
"Uh, what's up? You look a little different today. Everything alright?"
Pinkie continued to grin at Dash. The pink pony's tail twitched before she spoke.
"Ihadthisreallyweirdorangesodatodayandtheclockisn'tmovingandIwanttorunandIknowyoulikeflyingsoIthoughtwecouldraceyouwannaracemeIbetIcanbeatyou!"
The flyer to a second to process the torrent of words that had just been thrown at her. "You want to race? Now? On a day like this?
"Yeahsurewhynot?"
"Against a pegasus?"
Pinkie Pie nodded furiously, her head dissolving into a blur until Dash held up a hoof. "Alright, fine! First to Sweet Apple Acres for a mug of cider?"
Pinkie Pie wondered why Rainbow Dash was speaking so slowly. She'd expected her friend to be far more enthusiastic about a race than this. Was it the heat that was making her so sluggish? Pinkie made a mental note to get another one of those passion-flavored orange sodas and give one to Rainbow Dash.
Dash hovered over her friend and held up a hoof. "When I say go, okay?"
Pinkie Pie nodded ecstatically again.
"Three...two...one...go!"
When she hit "go," Dash blinked again. A fierce breeze flowed from behind her and she looked around for a minute. Pinkie Pie was nowhere to be seen. She scratched her head as she searched the immediate vicinity for her pink friend and decided to start flying towards Sweet Apple Acres. Perhaps she'd pass her friend?
When she got to Applejack's farm, Pinkie Pie was already there, enjoying a mug of cider while she spewed a tapestry of gibberish to the cowpony.
"Hold yer horses, hun!" Applejack said. "I didn't catch a word of that."
Pinkie failed to notice Applejack's interjection and continued to ramble about whatever came to mind. The farm pony hoofed a mug of cider to Rainbow Dash.
"You notice somethin' about her, Dash?" Applejack asked.
"Yeah," the pegasus replied. "She's acting more crazy than usual, and I mean a lot more crazy!"
Dash eyed the pink pony, noting how her head didn't turn so much as snap at the slightest sounds around her. Her unblinking eyes darted about at the slightest sign of movement. Maybe Twilight would know what was wrong with her?
"Pinkie, should we go visit Twilight?"
The magenta pony's head snapped around, staring at Dash with that same, disturbingly happy expression.
"That'sagreatideaDashieIwannakeeprunningcanweraceagainIwannaraceonetwothreego!"
Without another word, Pinkie Pie became a pink streak bolting for the library with Rainbow Dash in tow. It couldn't have been more than ten seconds between leaving Sweet Apple Acres and arriving at the library, a stretch Dash knew couldn't be made in the air in under five minutes.
"What is the matter with you?" Dash said to herself.
What is taking Twilight so long to open the door? I know she's home!
The door let out a long, agonizingly drawn out creak as the lavender unicorn slowly pulled the door open.
"Oh, hi Pinkie Pie!" she said. Her voice had dropped in pitch as though it were being played in slow motion on a tape recorder. What would possess Twilight to talk like that? Was she messing with magic again? Maybe Twilight could give Pinkie a spell that made her run faster!
"Twilight," Rainbow Dash cut in. "Pinkie seems a little...different. Do you think you could help me figure out what's wrong with her?"
"What?" Pinkie Pie asked. "Don't be silly! I'm fine! Nothing wrong with me!"
She noticed Twilight and Dash staring blankly at her before looking at each other.
"Did you just catch a word of what she just said?"
"Not a single syllable."
"Did you wake up with fluff in your ears or something?" Pinkie Pie shouted. "I'm fine! Why are you two talking so slowly?"
"I caught that!" Twilight said. "Why are you talking so quickly?"
"I'mnottalkingquickly!Youtwoarebeingall slow-motion-voices anditsdrivingmecrazy!"
Twilight looked her friend over, taking in the twitchy tail, the dilated eyes, the wide smile, and the shaky hooves. She seemed amped up on something, like she usually acted the day after her birthday. Maybe she ate something?
"Pinkie, what did you have to eat today? And could you please say it slowly?"
The pink party pony let out a huff. "Fine. I had some chocolate chip pankcakes this morning, then some cookies and just a little while I had a can of orange soda, except it wasn't orange soda. It was like this sour passion-fruit-flavored stuff and it was in a orange can and it made the clock move slower. Maybe it was time soda?"
"No, Pinkie, drinks can't slow down time."
"Buttheycan! EversinceIhadthatdrinkeverypony'sbeensoslowandalwyastakingforeverandIcan'tfigureitout!"
"Rainbow Dash, can you keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn't break anything?"
"Why?" the pegasus asked. "What could she break in a library? Everything here is made of paper."
"Just look after her, okay?"
Orange soda that makes everypony slower, Twilight thought as she went to her fridge for a drink. She absentmindedly eyed the row of energy drinks she kept on the shelf, a collection of beverages she had on reserve in case of emergency study sessions. She hadn't opened one yet and hopefully she wouldn't have to.
"Hey, whatareyoudoin'?!" Pinkie said as she materialized behind Twilight. "CanIhaveadrink? I'mthirstytoo."
Twilight had to knock an outstretched hoof away from her stash of liquid energy as Pinkie Pie reached for a Magnum.
"Ihadoneofthoseearlierthey'resogood!"
Twilight looked at the orange can, then back at her wired friend. "What in Celestia's name possessed you to drink one of these? Pinkie, they're absolutely loaded with caffeine!"
"IdunnowhatcaffeineisbutittastedgreatcanI...have...another?"
The party pony's eyes began to restore and Twilight noted the lack of twitching and shaking in her friend. There was an audible hiss as Twilight watched Pinkie's mane losing its curl, slowly shifting from a tangled mess to long and straight.
"Pinkie, are you alright?"
"I'm tired..." Pinkie said. "So very tired."
Pinkie let out a yawn and staggered back into the library, collapsed on the couch and immediately fell asleep. Dash gave the sleeping mare a strange look as she hovered beside the unicorn.
"What just happened?"
Twilight shrugged. "I guess Pinkie hit what they call a crash. She should probably be okay after an hour or two of sleep. No idea what happened to her tail, though."
"Should I take her home?" Dash said.
"No, it's alright. I don't mind her staying here. I'll send her home after she has her little nap."
It was several hours before Pinkie Pie woke up. Her head was spinning and her limbs felt as though they were made of lead. This was exactly how she felt after her first birthday celebration in Ponyville. She blinked a few times and rubbed her eyes before sitting up and looking around the room.
Oh, yeah! I'm in Twilight's library! Ugh, why do I feel so dizzy?
"Pinkie, you're awake!" Twilight was already approaching her with a glass of water.
The pink party pony rubbed her head. "What time is it?"
"It's almost eight in the evening. You've been asleep for almost four hours. Here, have something to drink!"
Pinkie accepted the water and sipped at it. The cold felt nice, but it wasn't doing much for her state of being. She was craving something sweet, something citrusy. Like one of those...what were they called? Magnums! She wanted another one of those.
"I know what you're thinking, Pinkie, and the answer is no."
"What? But I'd feel so much better if..." Pinkie stopped when Twilight held up a hoof.
"You're experiencing caffeine withdrawal, Pinkie. You're used to sugar, I know, but those drinks have a lot of sugar in them, and this other stuff all designed to wake you up."
"That caffeine stuff...is that why you and Dashie were acting so weird?"
Twilight cocked her head. "What? You were the one acting all weird."
"But you...forget it. What can I do to fix this headache?"
"I suppose I could give you a little bit of sugar, but I will not give you another one of those Magnums. You won't sleep otherwise. I'll see if I've got a cookie or some cupcakes."
Pinkie lay back on the couch and finished off the water, her headache beginning to dissipate. For the first time in a long time, all she wanted to do was nap. A part of her wanted to get up and stagger home, but another part of her wanted to just lay there. Besides, Twilight would be back with a cookie soon enough. Why pass up on a free cookie?
In a moment the unicorn returned with a chocolate-chip-peanut-butter cookie, which Pinkie Pie gladly accepted. She devoured the confection like a ravenous wolf, the slight amount of sugar giving her a little kick to fix her pounding head. The clock on the wall read that it was half past seven at night.
"Twilight, I think I'd better head home. It's getting late and I've got a lot of super-duper things to make for the Cakes tomorrow! Thanks for letting me sleep on your couch, and I really liked that cookie! Can I grab another one?"
"Sure, Pinkie! They're in the kitchen."
As Pinkie happily hopped into the kitchen to fetch a second cookie, she found herself staring at the fridge, slowly edging towards it. She knew she should have another one of those drinks, but she couldn't help it. They were the sweetest and most delicious things she'd ever tasted. Twilight wouldn't mind if she had another one, would she? And besides, sleep was overrated. She popped another cookie into her mouth and opened the fridge, eyed the studious unicorn's stash of drinks. A bright green can bearing the word "Firestorm" in fancy letters caught her eye. She reached over and popped the lid of the can, downing the drink in three long gulps.
Pinkie felt the world stand still as the caffeine, taurine, and ginseng hit her system. She tossed the can aside and watched it roll across the kitchen floor, stopping against Twilight's hoof.
"Pinkie Pie!" she exclaimed. "What have you done?!"
"What?" the party pony shrugged. "No big deal. I'll just get all my baking done tonight and sleep in!"
All across Equestria the next morning, newspapers were delivered to every cottage, newsstand, and penthouse bearing the following headline:
"Peculiar Pink Pyromaniac Pulverizes Ponyville"
