Enema of the State
The Nightmare Night celebration was very lively this year in Ponyville. The sun had set an hour ago, and Princess Luna's chariot was just coming to a halt in the town's square. She had returned for this year's celebration, and this time she understood what Nightmare Night was all about. Ponies in costumes were playing games, talking with neighbors, and eating snacks all around town. Luna looked to her left and saw that Pinkie Pie was guiding the fillies and colts on her famous “Scare Tour” and they were loving every minute of it. Luna paused a moment and listened to the group. Every few minutes she heard them screaming, but sometimes it would be followed by a few minutes of giggling. Luna closed her eyes and grinned, joining the fillies and colts in their giggling. After a few moments she opened her eyes and started walking through town to join the ponies in celebration.
As she neared the other side of the town square, she saw two familiar ponies standing at the large tub filled with water and apples. Applejack, the Element of Honesty, was leaning on the side of the tub with her front legs crossed. She was wearing a fake beard, a plaid shirt, and an over-sized version of her regular hat. She also had a banjo slung over her back that looked like it had been in the family for years. Applejack was facing Twilight Sparkle, who was also leaning against the large apple-bobbing tub.
Twilight Sparkle was wearing very little of her costume. She had a large, pointed hat on her head, but the rest of her costume was resting on a stand next to the tub. She was speaking with Applejack and occasionally would get a pained expression on her face and would rub her hoof on her side.
“Are ya sure you're ok there, sugar cube?” asked Applejack as Twilight rubbed her side for the fifth time during their conversation. “Ah'm beginnin' to worry a bit more with each time you do that.”
Twilight gave Applejack a smile, but instead it looked more like a grimace. “I'm fine, AJ. I'm just feeling a little under the weather. I appreciate your concern, though.”
Luna walked up to the apple-bobbing table and smiled. “Greetings dear friends, and happy Nightmare Night!”
Applejack smiled and turned to face Luna. “Well, howdy there Princess! How are ya doin' tonight?”
Luna grinned and lifted her left front hoof to wave. “This night I am in very good spirits. It makes me happy to see everypony enjoying themselves, especially now that I understand what Nightmare Night is about.” Luna looked from Applejack over to Twilight. “Twilight, forgive me for saying, but it looks like you are not enjoying yourself. Are you in bad spirits, or is something ailing you?”
Twilight looked at Luna and rubbed her side. “Thank you for asking, but I'm just a little under the weather. I'm not sure; perhaps something I ate didn't agree with me.”
Luna's mouth pulled down in a slight frown as she tapped her muzzle with her hoof. She closed her eyes and thought a moment. “Hmm...we can't have you feeling bad on Nightmare Night. Hmm...” A few moments passed and then Luna's face brightened. She smiled and stomped the ground twice as she exclaimed “Ah ha! I know what we can do. There was a treatment back before I was...banished...that was quite popular with the nobles.” She moved closer to Twilight and asked, “Would you like an enema?”
Applejack raised her eyebrow at this comment. “Say what, now?”
Twilight blinked twice. “Huh?” she asked in a moment of great eloquence.
“An enema...wouldst thou like one?” answered Luna.
“Y'all can't be serious...we don't normally do that anymore except in rare cases,” said Applejack.
“Um, thank you for the offer, but I don't think that I want one,” answered Twilight.
“Verily?” asked Luna. “Listen to your friend Luna, let me give you an enema. You needn't suffer from this plight, you could feel better by this night.
Twilight sighed and shook her head. “Thank you, but no. I do not want one, friend Luna, I do not want an enema.”
Luna stepped closer to Twilight. “Art thou so very sure? You needn't be acting so demure. Listen to your friend Luna, you may just need an enema.”
“Y'all are pullin' my leg, aren't ya? Y'all are talkin' like yer two zebra.” Applejack blinked. “Oh, dag nabbit! Now I'm doin' it!” She blinked twice, frowned, and stomped the ground in anger. “Nevermind!”
Luna took another step towards Twilight, but Twilight took a step back. Twilight's horn lit up and in a moment there was a flash of light and she vanished, having teleported elsewhere.
*-*-*-*
Unnoticed by the ponies of Ponyville, two figures were moving through the shadows in the outskirts of town.
*-*-*-*
Twilight appeared right next to Sugar Cube Corner and breathed a sigh of relief.
“Hiya, Twilight!” Pinkie Pie yelled.
“Aagh!” Twilight jumped after being startled.
“Oops, sorry! I'm the one supposed to be scared,” said Pinkie Pie as she flapped the wings of her chicken costume. “Oh look, there's Princess Luna!”
Luna approached the group and smiled. “Here I find you by the bakery. You needn't run like a young filly.”
Twilight face-hoofed. “I don't want one, can't you see? Please stop this insanity. I do not want one, friend Luna. I do not want an enema.”
Pinkie Pie started a Giggle and then upgraded to Laugh 2.0. Laugh 2.0 froze, so she downgraded to Chortle 1.5, which works pretty well under normal operating conditions.
Luna and Twilight looked at Pinkie Pie in confusion, and then Twilight took advantage of the distraction to teleport away again.
*-*-*-*
Just beyond the boundary of Ponyville there was a flash of light. Twilight appeared and looked around to see if she was alone.
“You must want this done in a flash, beneath the home of Rainbow Dash!” Luna cheered and clopped her hooves.
“Aagh! I don't want one under Dash's home...now go away and leave me alone! I do not want one, friend Luna. I do not want an enema!” Twilight stomped her front hooves and with a flash of light she was gone again.
*-*-*-*
Close to Fluttershy's cottage, there is a beautiful Weeping Willow tree. Beneath the branches a flash of light appeared. Twilight breathed a sigh of relief, believing she was alone.
“Would thou, could thou, beneath this tree? Do you want one finally?” Luna said as she walked around the tree trunk from the other side.
Twilight's eye began twitching. “Friend Luna, friend Luna...I do not want an enema. I would not, could not, beneath this tree. I'll soon blow my top unless you leave me be!”
Twilight then teleported away once more.
*-*-*-*
Meanwhile two ponies in the shadows at the edge of town smiled as they neared their destination. After checking that the path was clear, they left the shadows and headed towards the Carousel Boutique.
*-*-*-*
Twilight appeared in an alley near the center of town. She looked around and saw no trace of Luna. Breathing a sigh of relief, she leaned against the wall. It was then that she heard frantic voices.
“Um, darling, don't you think you're taking this prank a little too far?” Rarity exclaimed.
“Sorry, toots, this here is no prank,” said a deep voice. “Now open up the store and give us your jewels!”
Moving quickly, Twilight left the alley and bumped right into Rarity. Twilight shook her head and took a closer look. This was not Rarity she bumped into...this was a stallion wearing a wig and painted to look like Rarity. The real Rarity was standing over in front of the Carousel Boutique.
The “Rarity” that Twilight had ran into looked at her and sneered. “Beat it, this don't concern you!”
Twilight quickly ran around the stallion to get to Rarity. She turned around to face the fake Rarity and saw that he wasn't alone. Standing next to him was a stallion who looked...like Twilight.
“Lookie here, we've got a matching set!” said the stallion wearing a wig and painted to look like Twilight.
Twilight looked over at Rarity and pointed at the two impostors. “I didn't think my night could get any stranger...what is going on?”
Rarity pulled her gaze away from the two bandits and looked at Twilight. “It appears that these two brutes decided to take advantage of the one night of the year when wearing a costume is commonplace. Twilight, they're robbing the stores of Ponyville!”
With shouting and evil laughter, the villains got closer and closer.
Twilight looked over at the bandits and saw a flash of light behind the fake Twilight.
“Surprise! You see, you'll feel better this very night!” cheered Luna triumphantly.
Then, the fake Twilight yelled “Gyaah!” as his eyes went slightly crossed and one side of his mouth went into a half-snarl. His head bobbed as it slowly lowered, and his right-front hoof pounded the ground repeatedly. “The ponies in this town are flippin’ crazy!” In a moment there was a flash of light and the fake Twilight vanished. Twilight could then see Luna standing behind the spot where the fake Twilight had vacated.
“Oh...my...goodness...that...was not...Twilight...” continued Luna slowly, with a confused look on her face.
After seeing the reaction of his fellow bandit, the fake Rarity looked slowly turned so that he was facing both Luna and the other two and then began to back away.
“Surprise!” yelled Pinkie Pie as she suddenly appeared behind the fake Rarity.
“Aagh, yer not gettin’ me!” yelled the fake Rarity, afraid that he too was going to receive the same “greeting” as his partner, before he also teleporting away.
Twilight looked from Luna to Pinkie Pie and then over to Rarity at her side. She then heard the sound of ponies approaching. She looked around and saw her friends approaching as well as some of the other ponies from around town.
“What in tarnation happened?” asked Applejack as she ran over to where Twilight, Rarity, and Luna were standing. “What’s with all this commotion?”
Twilight then began telling the story of how she was in the alley and heard the bandits confronting Rarity. “And then Luna appeared, yelled ‘Surprise!’ and...took care of...the first bandit.”
“Wow, Princess! Did you zap him with thunderbolts?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Well, actually...I accidentally...gave him an enema,” said Luna as she looked away and scratched the back of her head.
“Whaaaat?” asked Rarity.
*-*-*-*
Far outside of town the two bandits appeared in flashes of light. They took a few steps away and then stopped when they heard a noise. A very loud sound was coming from Ponyville....the sound of a great many ponies laughing uproariously.
The fake Twilight looked at his partner. “I don’t care how many gems are in that town. I’m not settin’ hoof in that weird place ever again!”
The two bandits then quickly departed, never to be seen around Ponyville again.
*-*-*-*
“Oh, geez, I wish I coulda seen that!” said Rainbow Dash as she held her stomach that had become sore from laughing so hard. “I can just imaging the sight of a macho Rarity!”
“Oh, yes, it was definitely a sight.” said Twilight. “If I hadn’t been…” she paused for a moment, and then her eyes opened wide and her cheeks bulged.
“Twilight, dear, are you ok?” asked Rarity.
Twilight began nodding her head, and then….BUUUUUURRRRRRRPPPPPPPP!
“Whoah, nice one!” yelled Spike shouted as he clapped his claws.
“Oh, my…” said Twilight as her cheeks slightly reddened, “...please excuse me.” She blinked twice and then rubbed her side. “Huh….laughing so hard must have caused that...and now I’m actually feeling better.”
Luna walked over during the commotion and stood by Twilight’s side. Luna nudged Twilight gently and then looked at her with a grin. “So...an enema did end up making you feel better”.
“But it was the laughter toward our two fake friends what made me feel better, not the enema,” replied Twilight.
Pinkie Pie grinned and began bouncing. “Heeheehee! Yeah, with ‘friends’ like those, who needs enemas?”
Author's Note
This is a work of fanfiction (unofficial stories that lovingly borrow characters/settings, written by a fan of the show) - please do not confuse this with the the show. This story takes place in a somewhat alternate universe.
I do not own the characters or setting of the FIM universe - they belong to Hasbro. Please support them by purchasing their products (collectibles, videos, toys, etc.) - they are available at many physical stores as well as online.
