The tale of your mother's "backyard"

by Mooner_178

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Random, Discord, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1191

The epic adventure of an epic person with no purpose in life but to wreck some sh*t.

The two inches of destruction took on a corporeal form and laid waste to everything and everyone. It's name is Enrique.

*Rated Teen for using big boy words and complete stupidity.

You've been warned.

Published 2014-11-22 02:00:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-28 04:46:21 UTC

The 2" destroyer is here and is ready to wrek some sh*t

The 2" destroyer is here and is ready to wrek some sh*t

Enrique the 2" destroyer walked to his office that very fine night and decided he wanted to go to another world. There was no literal meaning behind why he wanted to go... aside from wanting to go. So to himself he whispered, "May the gods piss cotton out of their cacti and the ground get swole, for this very night, I shall bowl!" And off he went to the nearest bowling alley. Allegedly, his coworkers stated hearing the sound of popcorn as he left, but was later discovered to their eventual delight, the building burning down.

The journey to such an alley was an easy trek for the destroyer, who had in his earlier days #rekt turtles and their beaches for corporate funding. This angered the turtles and made them flip. That's a story for another midmorning. As the destroyer opened the front door to the alley he tripped on the cursed banana peel that some careless animal had thrown earlier in the day. This caused a dimensional rift to occur right under Enrique. As he fell through the portal the thought that ran through his mind, much easier than having to #rekt some poor sod... this will do.

The transport was instantaneous, and due to his swagilicious nature he landed on his feet like an elephant. Staring at the land around him, Enrique realized that he left his oven on... oh well, houses burn down, guess I'll get the insurance money and spend it on bail lemons, with this plan set into his brain of destruction he trudged through the undergrowth that covered his dirty, dirty knees. Every plant within a five meter circumference was eviscerated and left to burn. Just like his house.

He gazed into the sky for a mere moment and caught a flash of blue. It was the sky. It was also then that he noticed he was in a forest  and not in the urban streets of the city he "destroyed." Enrique's spider sense began tingling in his pants. There was someone nearby. He slipped into stealth mode with a simple press of the B button. Pushing aside some liquefied plant matter, he found his best bud... can you guess who it was?

If you guess Discord you are wrong and should be shot in the left nut. Yes, even if you already had your left nut shot off. SHOOT IT AGAIN!!

It was El Hombre, the most adorable Hispanic ever in existence to live.

And so they continued through the forest they aptly named apt. short for apartment. Finally the cover broke and glorious sunlight smacked them in the eyes and sent them to the corner. Poor kids. Enrique not one to be told to go to time out, secretly left without telling his parents. El Hombre was left behind... but that's okay because he's a man. In the distance a town emerged like a dolphin in slow motion, Enrique ready to destroy sprinted full speed towards the town. His mental clock counted down the time before impact.

T-minus 10 seconds

T-minus 5 seconds

Right before entering the town, the new siren installed to warn the residents of imminent destruction wailed its terrible wail. Enrique unfazed charged straight through the house and "accidentally" touched the horse's no-no bits. After such an incident a scream was required and thus the stallion, quite very much like a little filly, ran from his house in which spirits haunted. The destroyer felt no remorse and continued smashing property, he even took a colt's lollipop! What a monster! And so the guard came to dispose of Enrique the 2" Destroyer. They all fell to their knees in the face of such a beast who's sexiness spanned space and time causing Chris Hemsworth to cringe and cower in the corner with his bucket of ice cream.

The taste of vanilla filled the mouths of everypony living in the town, some of the mares swore they felt hot wax on their backs'... turns out it was just bird feces.

Enrique continued his destruction, completely oblivious to the danger that lurked in his cereal.

Reports came in from the royal mail stating that Ponyville was under attack by an unknown, extremely hostile entity and the aid of the full guard, possibly the princesses themselves were needed.

Princess Celestia swayed in her seat as she read the full report, her ovaries having already given out on the poor immortal mare... She summoned Discord, "Discord, you are the god of chaos are you not?"

He replied, "More like the embodiment rather than a god." As he said it he shrunk and became a dog. The doge was later found and became the internet.

"I need your expert expertise on this new threat." She said as she pushed the report closer to Discord.

"Great scott! I must attend this at once!" He slipped on stockings, a miner's shirt and flip flops. And yes, he was still a dog. His back sprouted a bench and a red bull can, flapping the two not unlike not quite but still similar to a hummingbird he lifted off and floated towards the town of Ponyville.

The epic showdown was about to begin, and it began with Twilight and her amigos fighting for their lives alongside an army of Royal guard. Enrique blocked a barrage of magic male reproductive organs with his shield of shrews, throwing off the feathery wall he charged and bowled over a whole lotta them. Having never before faced Enrique the 2" Destroyer, the poor ponies had no idea how to fight him. Twilight hovered in the air with her wingies and shot spears at him, Enrique knocked her out of the air with a good game of Duck Hunt 2D edition. Applejack was attempted to lasso Enrique but a quick slap made her efforts fruitless, Fluttershy was hiding, Rarity was with the guard launching magic at the Destroyer, where was the Pink one and Rainbow?

There! In the sky they were! Why is the Lesbian carrying the pink one away? Then it clicked. With a mighty leap that would make Frogger proud, he moved out of the way just in time to see a crater where he last was. The Destroyer readied his Duck Hunt rifle and aimed into the pit, had it not been for the unicorn that shot a bolt of horn semen at him, the Destroyer would've been defeated. Enrique ducked under the bolt as soon as the Lesbian flew over him attempting to kick his head off. She instead slammed into a window and was out cold.

It was then, when the entirety of the guard had been defeated that their hero stepped forth. Discord.

Enrique the 2" destroyer couldn't possibly fight Discord in his weakened state, but that was all right for he had reached the destruction recommended for that day. After all, it was a monday.

So instead of fighting Discord like anyone else would've, he simply left.

And appeared back in the bowling alley.

And slipped on the banana peel.

Again.

Prequel

Here!