Starting with a Force-A-Nature

by Sonic XLR

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Other, Crossover, Dark, Main 6
Length: 16507

Respawn. Sometimes it just has to mess up. And of course another 'me' just has to spawn so no one even knows I'm gone. Well, that just frikin' sucks, don't it. Not to mention now I'm stuck with a bunch of dumb friendship-lovin' and colorful ponies.

Sup. Name's Scout, if ya didn't know that, you're an idiot. Basically, I have no clue where on Earth, err...not Earth, I am, or what I am, or how to get home. I mean I've still got my good looks, assuming ponies can be handsome, which of course I am, and my stuff. But seriously, I'm in the middle of frikin' nowhere and I managed to get turned into a dumb horse. With wings, which I will admit is pretty sick. There's gotta be somethin' to explain all this stuff. Maybe if respawn messed up and sent me here, someone else is here too right? I ain't alone here am I?
Aww crap. Oh hey! There's a town! What the crap is a Summer Sun Celebration?

A MLP and Team Fortress 2 Crossover.

Note: This is my first fan fiction, and I have only myself to proofread, and I prefer it that way since I don't have a set publishing schedule. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED of either possible awesomeness or just badness.
Edit 2/20: Friend kinda helped me on the whole hiatus thing. Ch 4 has more details on that.

Published 2014-11-27 02:10:05 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-20 04:18:07 UTC

Chapter 1: Recon-figuration

Chapter 1: Recon-figuration

"Alrighty then. Why don't I just stretch out my wings for a sec here. Bet I'm a natural." Scout straightened himself out and decided that flying upside-down was not in his best interest.

For once, Scout actually had been spot on, he could fly very easily, and could feel exactly how all the little movements work. Hah, guess I can be great at everything. He landed on his hind hooves and tried to balance himself. He failed.

Scout awkwardly landed on his fore hooves and cursed internally. Seriously? I can fly but I can't stand? Great. Scout stood still for a moment, unsure of anything at the time. Now what?

Scout flung his backpack over his shoulder and ruffled through the contents. Having an Australium lining that bended reality so that he could store nearly everything made it really hard to find anything though. There was a faster way of grabbing what's needed, but for Scout, it was mainly done on instinct. After all, he didn't really pay attention when overalls was explaining all the sciencey stuff to everybody.

Scout expected to find one of the mirrors he kept around to admire just how pretty he was, but all he could find was an Australium-gold scattergun. Too impatient to find a mirror that may not be there in the first place, he used the reflection off the scattergun to see just how he looked like.

Removing the Australian color tint, Scout determined that his skin was indeed, cyan. Or at least the fur was. It was a bit off from the normal blue attire he had worn, but was relatively the same color. His hair also didn't seem to different. It might've been a bit more copper, but the only noticeable difference was the specks of dust that seemed to be intertwined, and brushing through his hair with his... hooves showed that the dust particles were part of the coloration.

The most noticeable facial change, other than the muzzle, was the fact that his large eyes now had green pupils. "Sweet," Scout said as he admired his reflection. He then took a quick look for any other changes to his exterior.

Only one thing had stood out, there were large marks on his backside depicting a winged lightning bolt, fashioned in a similar way to his normal winged shoe emblem. "Pfft. That's wrong, it's supposed to be-Never mind." Scout depressingly looked at his hooves, still expecting feet.

"This is gonna suck. At least there's a good view, not just of myself of course." Scout put away the make-shift mirror and walked to the edge of the cliff that he 'spawned' on. Scout widened his eyes at the view, at the world seemed somewhat...pristine. "Lame." Scout quickly dismissed the sight.

Scout did, however, spot a couple of buildings near a really poor-lit forest. His amazingly keen eyesight could even spot a small object in the sky much further away, that slowly moved towards those same buildings. "Welp, I hate to do this, but gotta ask for directions."

His stomach grumbled. "Huh? I just ate. Guess the high metabo-whats-it is still a thing." Scout remembered that Medic told him he ate a lot to restore the energy he burned up in the blinding sun that is his glory-defining awesomeness. Well, not the last part, but Medic probably meant that too. "Alright food then. But first, this is gonna get borin' pretty damn soon so..."

Scout ruffled through his rucksack again, and pulled out a boombox, only to take out the tape and place it into a smaller device that he forgot the name of. Scout plugged the device into his headset, so that the other ginormous ear can still pick up any small sounds. He started playing one of the ridiculously many tracks he had stored every time anything important happened.

Scout got a running start off the cliff and started flying faster than basically everything, since he doubted anything could possibly be faster than him. However, his decision to fly was more than the fact that he could frikin' fly, but also that he needed to make flying an instinct rather than a thought process.

After a couple of seconds, or around an hour if Scout had actually been paying attention, he reached a small ledge overlooking the small village. Spotting a sign, along with a couple of farms in the distance, Scout decided to take a small break to memorize the layout of the place, and more importantly make fun of the name. "Ponyville. Wow, that is so creative, just no words. But at least I know that either the people here are obsessed with dumb little horses that got ripped out of a cartoon, or the people are ponies, with sign-making abilities."

To further prove his point, the town had several ponies frantically moving about the place, as if they actually had a place to go, and not just eat grass! However, all the little ponies he saw had wings like him, unicorn horns, or nothing. Hah, they got the short end of the schtick, huh. Then again, I did get turned into a blue horse.

Before he took off, Scout noticed a small multicolored tornado in one of the plazas. The tornado dissipated leaving a rainbow-colored horse with a similar hue Scout had and a purple pony with a ridiculous messed-up hairdo. "PFFFFFTTTT. Bahahahaahahhaha! Aw jeez. That's good stuff, I need to do that later." Scout laughed a bit more as the two seemed to have a conversation that Scout did not care about.

However, what happened after the conversation did catch his super-important attention. The rainbow one went through several clouds and dissipated them. In the two seconds(two actual seconds) it took for Scout to register that information and more importantly, that he might be able to screw with clouds. In the next three seconds, Scout instinctively pulled out a normal pistol and focused his aim at a far away cloud. Scout focused his attention and shot the cloud, which did, in fact, disintegrate. "Oh man, that is cool."

Scout assumed that the cloud would attract barely any attention since no one ever looked up. An important lesson he learned over several years of fighting. Putting away his pistol, Scout flew him and his amazing intellect towards the farms he saw earlier, and stuck to the far surrounding of the town.

However, in that one moment, one pony had been looking up. The purple pony from earlier, otherwise known as Twilight Sparkle, was gawking at the prismatic mare, who introduced herself as Rainbow Dash, as she had made a prideful assumption of how fast she could clear the sky of clouds. Although Dash was most likely just boasting, Twilight decided Dash would manipulate her into clearing the weather, which had been Dash's job before she decided to slack off instead. However, Twilight did not expect her to actually manage to get rid of every single cloud.

"10 seconds flat." Rainbow Dash said as she landed on the railing of a bridge nearby. Satisfied by showing off her speed, Dash smiled as she saw the stupefied expression that Twilight had. "I wouldn't leave Ponyville hanging."

Flying over, Twilight interrupted whatever Dash was about to say, "Bubububu, that's...impossible! Nopony should ever be able to do something like that! How did you even manage to get the one cloud over there?! I didn't even see you fly anywhere near it!" Twilight pointed in its general direction.

Rainbow looked around and actually didn't remember clearing that one, but she did remember that it was going to be a pain to clear while she was slacking off earlier, so Dash did know there was a cloud there. However, it's not like she would admit it, after all she did say she would clear all the clouds in the 10 seconds. "Oh that one? Guess I went too fast that you didn't see me go and buck it."

Far from satisfied with Dash's answer, Twilight had rather just leave and find the next pony on the checklist. Dash, however, continued with her earlier thought, "You're a laugh, Twilight Sparkle. I can't wait to hang out some more." Dash did a quick loop-de-loop and flew away upside-down.

"Wow, she's amazing!" Spike, a baby purple and green dragon, who had been there the entire time, looked back at Twilight. He couldn't help but play with her messed-up hair, much to Twilight's annoyance.

"Carrots. Ew. Spinach. Ew. Bushes. You can grow those? Ew. Where is-oh, well I guess those are okay." Scout had made it to the farming areas, and slowly looked at what crops were grown and which ones he would actually eat. When he spotted the apple orchard a little further ahead, Scout got lazy, as a champion occasionally does, and settled with eating an apple or two and stealing a couple more for later. It's not like he was going to consider staying in a silly peaceful village full of cottages for that long. Scout might try the big city that was on the mountain earlier, and possibly destroy it if the locals decided to bother him too much.

Scout went towards the edge of the massive orchard of apple trees and settle with the second closest tree to the outer edge, don't want ponies from outside gawking. Scout could hear a Western-style celebration off in the distance, which was probably louder than the one Engineer had sometimes, except once where Scout decided to maximize the volume so everyone's ears would bleed from country music. He had earplugs though.

Deciding that those country festivities over on the other side of the orchard would be time consuming, and they would probably sleep from exhaustion later, Scout 'celebrated' by quickly chomping down the first two apples in reach and throwing the cores far away in case of an inventory check. Scout also pocketed seven apples to eat on a journey further down the road. Scout then decided to fall asleep. Right on the branch that he was on. Since it was about to reach nighttime, Scout fell asleep.

But in a few moments later, Scout forced himself awake to react to the coming footsteps, er...hoofsteps. Unluckily, Scout woke up too late to get away without being seen, and not having an angry farmer try and hunt him down or possibly stab him with a pitchfork. He instead simply waited in the tree and didn't move. He figured that again, no one ever looks up.

"What the hay are ya doing up there?" A thick Texan accent said from under him. God dammit. The voice sounded female, but considering everyone was a sissy pony in this place, he didn't assume anything. Well, actually, Scout assumed a lot of things, and he knew that he was probably right, since Scout wouldn't ever be wrong.

"Dash, Ah see your hooves. Ah thought ya'd want to know that Pinkie went and prepared a surprise party for Twilight. I'm sure ya met Twi, since y'all were in charge of weather and she was gonna check up on ya. So would ya get up already and come with me?" The voice rang under him. Scout then knew several things. Firstly, the voice thought he was someone else. Secondly, making eye contact or saying anything may jeopardize that assumption. And finally, he had to meet this 'Dash' guy since he apparently had the very same masculine hooves that he rocked. Scout then decided to do the first thing he thought of, and its unlikely it would go wrong, after all, it was his plan.

Scout snored. Loudly. Only he messed up, and his voice cracked at that moment, making the rest of the snore a much higher pitch than normal. Shit.

"Ugh, get up!" The voice said, with no noticeable confusion. Wait, did the idiot under him actually think that poor excuse of a snore was actually 'Dash'? Wow, they probably didn't know each other that well then. However, Scout's main concern was that the voice's user was currently shaking the entire tree.

Scout snored even louder this time. And the voice crack happened again. Snoring is a curse for making his voice crack apparently.

"Fine." The shaking stopped. "But y'all better have woken up before the Sun comes up, Ah'll be in Town Hall when ya wake up, so ya better come or Ah'm gonna come back here!" Hoofsteps started going away from his tree-home.

Phew. Scout was really tired at this point. He had a long day of being a badass, then getting turned into a blue horse, and the nonsense that came with it. Oh shit. He just realized that he should've asked that person about directions and junk since they were isolated. Screw the pitchfork threat, Scout would've just beaten the crap out of them if they refused. Ugh. Scout smacked his head against the branch, and fell asleep.

"Ernahhh" Scout muffled his voice by speaking into a branch. "Ugh, that was really uncomfortable. Still the best sleep I've had in ages." Scout groggily moved himself off the branch and dropped face first into the ground.

As he got up, Scout started walking towards the town. Considering he was still in the branch when he woke up, the possibility of this being a dream had become near-impossible. At the moment it was currently nighttime, although the sun may come soon, as implied by his current biological clock, but Scout figured there would be a lack of ponies walking around and that he could quickly ask for his location and figure something out from there. He honestly did not want to think of a plan at the moment.

As Scout approached Ponyville, he couldn't see any of the ponies from earlier. Traversing through the empty streets, Scout could feel anticipation growing inside him, he didn't know why, but Scout thought that there might be something important coming up and ponies had a sixth sense for it. Or he could just be hungry again. Wiping away the remainder of crust in his eyes, Scout could hear a large amount of shuffling, and some voices. A hefty grunt came at one point, one of the ponies probably hit their head or somethin'.

Scout tracked the source of the noise to the large building toward Ponyville's center, and could now make out some of the things that were being said, but paid little mind to them as he approached the building. At this point, Scout was thinking of just asking a whole group of them and hope they didn't look at him like a freak for not speaking pony-language.

"Did you not recall the legends? Did you not see the signs?" Some old chick's voice came from inside. Well, at least they know English...somehow. Scout didn't really care what she meant by 'legends' and 'signs', but it's not like boring and peaceful people (especially hippies) made any sense to him.

"I did!" Another voice came. "And I know who you are. You're the mare in the moon!" As Scout reached the doors he took a quick look at the moon, and did notice it had become significantly lighter.

"Nightmare Moon!" A collective gasp could be heard. Scout still didn't care about whatever was going on and prepared to knock the door down.

-A few moments earlier-

"And it is my great pleasure to introduce to you the ruler of our land, the pony who gives us the sun and the moon each and every day, the good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria, Princess Celestia!" Mayor Mare motioned upwards, as Rarity drew the curtains to a spotlight shining on an empty spot.

As the confusion settled in, Mayor Mare addressed the crowd, "Now everypony I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for this!"

"Ooh, I love guessing games!" Pinkie added. "Is she hiding?"

Rarity, after a relatively uneventful search of the balcony, said, "She's gone!"

"Ooh, she's good." Pinkie once again added. And she had been the first to scream at the dark blue mist.

"Oh, my beloved subjects, how good it is to see your sun-loving faces again." The mare that had materialized from the mist looked over the crowd.

"What did you do to our Princess?!" Dash started flying forward, only to be stopped by Applejack. However, the two Royal Guards that had been stationed outside flew towards the dark mare in her stead.

Only to be immediately shot down, with one crashing into a wall, and the other into the ground, both bleeding profusely. The crowd went silent in fear, and stared at the dark mare, as if hoping they wouldn't be next.

"Hmph, fools. Does my crown not count now that I have been imprisoned for a thousand years? Did you not recall the legends? Did you not see the signs?" The dark mare questioned the audience with a mandatory tone.

Twilight Sparkle stepped forward, "I did, and I know who you are. You're the mare in the moon! Nightmare Moon!" Everypony in the room gasped, recognizing the old folk tale.

"Well, well, we-" Nightmare Moon had gotten only two words out before the doors to the building crashed open.

A cyan male pegasus with copper brown hair stood at the door. "Sup, losers! How are you idiots doin'?"

Author's Note

I may have switched the perspective from first person to third, and to be honest, the whole writing thing is still new to me. Sorry about anything you might complain about. Hope you enjoyed though!

Chapter 2: Nightmares? Psh.

You are a fool if you believe in that thing.
You have made your choice. I have made mine.

Scout started casually strolling into the center of the room. "Yes, yes, please, hold your applause. I know its tempting." Scout tugged at his Letterman jacket. "I'm sure most of you haven't seen perfection like me before."

"Thoust dare- Nightmare Moon started.

"Shut it. Scout's talking right now, sweetheart." Scout pointed a hoof at the mare that interrupted him. "Listen, I'm a little lost right now. I don't give a crap about you or anything you have to say unless it's where I am now." Scout put down his hoof to address the crowd behind him. "I mean, I got the whole Ponyville thing, which I must applaud your amazing naming sense. That's something even I might not be able to come up with. But either way, where the hell am I?"

Taken off by how quickly the strange stallion had cut him off, Nightmare Moon refused to show weakness to this foalish intruder. "Either leave-"

"Are you still flapping your gums?!" Scout interrupted Nightmare Moon again. "You deaf or somethin'? I was just talking."

"THOU-" Nightmare Moon started.

"Dare intrude. Blah blah blah. On this righteous ceremony which isn't for me. Blah blah blah. Why are you shooting me? Blah blah blah. Please don't kill me oh almighty Scout!" Scout feigned fear by putting his hooves up. Putting down his hooves, he continued, "Can we just skip to the part where you're laying on the ground, bloodied and beaten and finally willing to give me my location?!"

A weak voice came from Scout's side. "You're...in Equestria." Scout turned to see a bloody white winged horse in golden armor.

"Keep going."

Confused by what the newcomer meant, the guard stammered out, "Planet...Gaia?"

"See, was that so damn hard?!" Scout stared at Nightmare Moon, gesturing to the injured guard. "Funny thing is, I still got it from someone that's beaten up on the ground! At least I didn't do it, would've been a waste of my, oh so, precious time."

"Thanks, by the way, hard helmet. You're dismissed. If those injuries are real, ya might want some of these." He threw a small bottle with a red plus labeled on the side. "It helps with the pain, trust me on that."

Turning around, Scout started walking away. "Now you may continue with whatever useless thing you were doing before something actually important came up." Scout walked through the doors he had earlier unhinged.

Only to run into a very angry-looking Nightmare Moon that had teleported in front of him. "Die." She immediately charged a beam and fired at the spot Scout was standing in. After a small flash of light from the spell, Scout was no longer there. "Hmph." The ponies inside had drawn their attention to the stallion and covered their mouths in horror.

"Oh! I get it, this is one of those really stupid interactive plays, isn't it?" Everypony turned to see Scout was simply standing behind Nightmare Moon, and none of them had seen him move there. "I mean, I wouldn't mind sharing my mad skills with the audience, but you really should ask. I call being the bad guy. Good guys suck."

Nightmare turned immediately to fire another beam at Scout. He simply tilted his head and let it whizz by. "I mean, I know good guys are supposed to be the damn heroes, protecting the innocent, getting the girl, but that's just dumb. Life don't work like that." Scout continued, completely unaffected by the second attempt on his life.

After taking a small sidestep to dodge another deadly blow of magic, which Scout assumed was just special effects, "But bad guys in stories always suck, too. Always the dumb classic 'I'm gonna kill all of you' or 'I'll rule the world'. But me?! I want to be rich, famous, actually scratch that one, I already have that."

Scout jumped a ridiculously small height but it had been enough for another dodge. "A lot of hot chicks to bang, and to have anything I want! Like a train, or a jet! I mean, I'm definitely faster than a train. Oh, and also to do this!" Scout stood as straight as he could and let out a hearty maniacal laugh. "Muahahahaha! Cue lightning!" Scout held up a hoof next to his head.

Lightning then struck behind him, startling everypony, including Scout. "Holy shit! That actually worked?! Oh man! I am frikin' AWESOME!" Scout immediately turned his expression of surprise to one of delight. "Hah. I need to learn how to actually do that on cue."

During this particular portion of his annoying talking, Nightmare Moon had been channeling a series of spells meant to eradicate the entire area that Scout was standing in. Turning away from the mark the lightning left on the ground, Scout was almost nailed by the oncoming barrage of magic. Or rather, his almighty body was nowhere near to being nailed. Scout easily dodge every single spell, even if the spells had came two or three at a time. The various positions he held made everypony else, at least the ones who couldn't see how fast he was moving, think he was teleporting himself in place.

"Hey, bozo, take five for a sec. If ya haven't noticed, you're supposed to be the hero." Scout walked toward the towering mare, with absolutely no indication of fear or subtlety. "You're supposed to be giving your 'I will bring you to justice' speech before using that poor excuse of a finisher. Or do you want me to do my intimidation scene? I mean, I think that part's optional."

"Knave, thou will cease thoust constant pestering. Or thou shalt face judgement." Nightmare Moon slowly turned her head to acknowledge the stallion that had flawlessly made her seem like a fool.

"Hey, that's what the bad guy's supposed to say, dumbass." Scout stepped back to stare into the large mare's eyes. "Wait, you aren't actually serious are you?"

After a slight moment of silence, Scout turned to the crowd of ponies that were now spectating their 'fight'. "Is she serious?" When most of the ponies nodded, Scout seemed to have a pained expression and lowered his head.

Only to bring it up again, and engage in one of the most genuine laughs he had ever had, "Bahahhahahahaah! I *snicker* thought you were missing on purpose! PFFT-Bahahahahahha! Oh jeez, I have never met anyone that could actually be this much of a complete tool! Bahahahahah!" To further emphasize his point, even if accidentally, Scout was dodging more spells with his erratic movements while he was laughing.

"Oh wow. I really needed that. This is just to prove how much peace and shit like that does to the guys that can actually try and fight!" Scout gestured towards Nightmare Moon. "We get ponies like fatso here! Did I just say ponies? Oh god, what the heck?"

"Um, that's normal..." Rarity spoke up.

Scout immediately turned to her, completely disregarding Nightmare Moon as a threat, to great insult to her. "If ya haven't noticed, I am far from normal." He hovered a hoof close to the ground. "This is normal. And..." Scout placed a hoof above his head. "This is me, and..." Scout started digging a small hole. "That's fat cakes over there." Scout tilted his head towards Nightmare Moon.

She had never been this thoroughly ridiculed, even by her sister, and yet this...this pegasus would dare to insult her. Everypony noticed how her rage had been growing and how the air seemed much more tense than ever before.

Scout instead decided to further aggravate her. "Y'know, I might not be as great at dodging your poor display of accuracy in the air." Scout started flying. "I'll just fly around. I won't even shoot. I mean I needed flight practice anyway, and you seem like an easy place to start. I mean, it's not like you can do anything else. Actually this too." The crowd could only watch with their jaws agape, as the stallion constantly taunted the mare that taken the place of their godlike ruler, causing some to even fear 'Scout' in a similar manner.

"Does thou even understand the situation thoust have decided to be involved in?" Nightmare Moon raised her head, with mist covering the area around her, and radiating an uneasy aura.

"Ooh, you got smoke now. Dat's real intimidating. But to answer your stupid question, no, I don't. But I don't care. I mean, I don't even know where to start with you. Because do you even know who you're talking to?" Scout opened his hooves for emphasis.

"We have deemed-"

"That's a no. I mean honestly, do you any idea? Any idea who I am?" Scout interrupted Nightmare once more.

"Thou ist of no matter-"

"You're such a fat, thick-headed idiot, y'know that, ye olde bastard?!" Scout's accusation left everypony quiet. "Let me just give you a quick crash course. Since basically, I'm kinda of a big deal." Scout spun in the air while exclaiming, "This is my world now."

"You get that? I'm sure that you at least get that. Listen, buddy." Scout tilted his head forward menacingly. "Grass grows, birds fly, sun frikin' shines, and me?! I hurt people." Scout flew into Nightmare Moon's face. "I am a force of nature itself."

Scout gestured the ponies that gained a newly found fear of the cyan stallion, and continued, "If anyone, and I mean anyone else, came from where I have come from, they would've died a very long time ago." For a small moment, Scout's eyes generated a chilling sense of fear in the air.

Scout then just flew back, with the same arrogant smile he had on earlier, "I mean honestly, who else could be this handsome?" Scout circled his hoof over his face. "Not to mention, this damn beautiful." Scout proceeded to flex his left forehoof, although the actual muscle wasn't too impressive.

Nightmare Moon felt some sort of recognition. Although telling the stallion that she had seem to know him would give him satisfaction, Nightmare felt that Princess Luna had met him lifetimes before, but it was likely that it was only coincidence. Nightmare just stood still, seething with anger.

Twilight Sparkle could only watch in absolute confusion. Not only had this stallion been able to change how he was so easily, but he was making Nightmare Moon, the mare that was going to bring the eternal night to her world, seem as if she had little actual combat experience.

Enraged beyond comprehension, Nightmare took flight herself, surrounding herself with a dark mist, "I suppose I am not as fully recovered as I believed. I am Nightmare Moon, the ruler of the night-"

Scout snored. Loudly. With another audible voice crack. "Yeah I already stopped giving a crap." Scout took out an apple and munched on it. "I will admit though, that peaceful places make the best stuff though, all the apples I get are filled with bullet holes and covered in gunpowder. Make for better targets than food."

"Wait a darn minute!" Applejack charged out between the ponies in the crowd. "Y'all were the one in that tree! Dash said she wasn't there! And you stole nine of mah apples!"

"Why the hell do you remember the number?! There were thousands of them!" Scout yelled back at Applejack, finally placing a face to the voice from earlier.

"It's mah job to grow apples! 'Course I'm gonna know the number of apples missin'! We need every apple, for the pies, the cider, the tarts-"

"the alcohol, the throwing materials, the apple-based sex toys-" Scout noticed the massive gush of red across the ponies' faces. "Oops too far?"

Scout flew backwards quickly to have another spell whizzing by. "Is thou done with the foalishness?" Nightmare had rage plastered all across her face.

"Not even close. And this whole flying thing by the way? It's so obvious I'm going to win that I'm gonna give you maybe two minutes flat, before your face hits dirt." Scout spun to effortlessly dodge another magic beam. "And seriously? Beams? You are the most uncreative loser I've met."

As the air battle raged on, with Scout being able to make ridiculously sharp turns and seem to spawn clouds during these immediate changes in momentum, the ponies down below could only watch as every spell that Nightmare Moon casted was dodged in a ridiculing manner. Scout even managed to make faces to further humiliate the all-powerful allicorn.

Twilight Sparkle hadn't exactly planned for Nightmare Moon's return, and didn't have a plan ready, hoping to believe that Princess Celestia was correct in her judgement. But her request to make friends, which it seemed like the ponies she met automatically befriended her, wasn't helping as this 'Scout' is now fighting a force that he probably won't be able to best. He hadn't even tried to harm her in any real way. Scout was resorting to simply taunting her inability to hit him.

However, during his conversation with Nightmare Moon, she did make a connection. Scout said, 'Two minutes flat' and Twilight couldn't help but look towards Dash after those words. She found she wasn't the only one making the connection.

"Dashie! We found your evil twin brother!" Pinkie hugged Rainbow.

Shrugging her off, to little avail, as she just reattached herself, Rainbow sighed. "I don't have a brother, and what do you even...he is nothing like me!"

At Dash's response, nearly everypony was looking at her, most with a look that seem to just say, 'Really?'

Applejack spoke up first, "So there just happens to be another arrogant blue pegasus with a claim to be the best and a reliance on speed more than normal ponies?"

Dash had a hard time responding to Applejack's blunt stab at her character. "I'm not that bad..."

"Ah know you're not sugarcube, it's just a bit too much of a coincidence to us that there's somepony else that brags almost as much as y'all do."

"Hey, it's not bragging if-" Dash got cut off when Scout crashed into the ground.

"Okay, I had no idea I could actually crash. That actually kinda hurt." Scout recovered quickly.

"Hast thou realized the constant boasting is merely words now?" Nightmare regained her confidence, despite a lack of connecting hits.

"Hey, it ain't bragging if you can back it up!" Scout yelled back, taking flight again before another spell hit the spot he crashed in.

The entire crowd, who had been eavesdropping or listening to Dash' conversation, fell silent. "Okay, I'm going to admit that was creepy." Dash looked back at Applejack, noticing the ponies who stopped their sideways glances when she turned her head.

Dash turned back to the still attached Pinkie, "I still don't have a brother."

"Hmm, what about a soul mate?"

Dash blushed. "No. Just no! Pinkie, you heard him! He doesn't even care when he's talking about hurting ponies!"

Almost on cue, with one minute and fifty seconds since the end of the banter in the air, a crack was heard and Nightmare dropped straight into the ground. "Meh, was a bit early, but hey, I bet Nightmare Moon is seeing a whole lotta stars right about now, not including me, of course." Scout rotated a wooden bat in his hooves.

"Stand still." Nightmare slowly got to her hooves. And fired a pathetic shot that went straight into the ground.

"Wow, that's real intimidating." Scout started clapping with his wings, with his forehooves crossed. "That is-"

"How are you doing that?!"

Scout turned to the purple unicorn and recognized her from the earlier mishap. "Oh, you. I liked your other haircut better. What do you want?"

Twilight lost her train of thought of Nightmare Moon's return, focusing on Scout's wing claps in mid-air. She didn't know why he was talking about her hair, but she stammered out, "You can't clap with your wings like that, there's gravity!"

"Gravity?! Who gives a crap about gravity? I can do whatever the heck I want." Scout landed a fair distance away from the still dazed Nightmare Moon.

"But, but! GRAGH!" Twilight teleported in front of Scout, and started shaking him, "You. Can't. Just. Ignore. Gravity."

Scout noticed the recovered Nightmare in the midst of Twilight's shaking, and pulled her into a tango stance for both of them to dodge. Scout noticed her confusion and spun her behind him and spun himself. He recovered quicker, and managed to change clothing in a time that Rarity suddenly gained utmost attention to. His Letterman was gone and replaced with a blue vest and his hat was replaced by a dark green beret.

"El Jefe is now here! Now grace in his presence!" Scout mimicked a ridiculous Mexican accent. Scout stopped Twilight's spinning and then proceeded to engage in tango. Twilight was dizzy, confused, and also relieved from Scout constantly moving her out of the way of any potential spells that might hit her.

"El Jefe shall dance 'till oblivion comes!" Scout continued with his lack of care to the deadly beams that were being shot by. Scout dipped Twilight forward with his eyes closed, and held a rose in the other hoof, which proceeded to get carried with the beam overhead. Scout spun Twilight back towards the crowd. "Sorry, my dear, but El Jefe must attend his original dance partner."

"Will thou never take this seriously?" Nightmare Moon spoke as Scout put away the beret and pulled out a dusty batter's helmet.

"Oh I missed this thing, I should really wear it more." Scout disregarded Nightmare's question. "Honestly, it's one of the things that's probably worth more than the rest of what I've got."

"How so?" Nightmare Moon, wishing to stall at the moment, asked.

"Because of this." Scout placed the helmet on his head, and it sparked a small fire. However, the fire was constantly burning in the middle of the air and it started circling his head slowly. "Doesn't burn or anything, but I guess that's why the hat is called unusual in the first place."

Everypony watched in awe at the fireball that shouldn't exist was constantly circling a hat, as if attracted to an orbit. Curiosity struck everypony of the mystery bag that Scout slung over his back. Which proceeded to jump up.

"What the heck?" Scout unzipped his bag again, and a squirrel flew out and started clawing away at his face. "Ow! OW! Chucklenuts! It's me! Scout! OW!" The squirrel stopped and looked at him in confusion. And then proceeded to start clawing away with even more ferocity. "OW! DAMMIT! My beautiful face!" Scout then managed to barely pull away Chucklenuts.

The squirrel hissed menacingly. Like, actually menacingly scary. "Alright, alright, I forgot you were in there. My bad. But we're in a dumb peaceful place, you can go find some damn nuts, they'll be fresh alright?!" Scout dropped Chucklenuts and the squirrel proceeded to scamper away.

"Tch, I got a scratch." Scout felt bleeding of his right cheek. "Before you say anything, don't you think it's really sad that a squirrel managed to hurt me and yet you still can't touch dis."

"But if you want me to stand still so bad, sure why not?" Scout enacted a stance and started to pretend to swing a bat in a home run stance. "What I gave you five whole seconds there. You ain't very perceptive are ya?"

Scout checked his pulse and started running in place. "Ya know, after all that, I still ain't winded." Scout sidestepped another attack. He held up a hoof as if expecting something. "Let's go! C'mon!"

He consistently dodged every beam and started taunting Nightmare every time. Scout positioned himself so that his wings made a small square, "Perfect." There was also an exaggerated laugh into a miniature guitar concert, complete with a light show that seemed to come from nowhere. He then spun around his bat, casually flipping it with a singular hoof, and proceeded to pull out a bucket of..."Oh what the heck? Why is this filled with flowers now?!"

Moving once again, with flowers showing his previous location, and proceeding to be disintegrated by magic. "Flippin' time. Who wants to flip?" Scout held out his hooves, making a small pocket where a hoof or two could fit. Instead he ran forward, slid under Nightmare and flipped her from behind. Unfortunately, Nightmare went past the 360 degrees and simply landed. Hard.

"See where I flipped ya?" Scout quickly jabbed his forehooves in Nightmare's direction. "Alright rock, paper-" Scout stared at his hooves. "Aw well, that's just depressing."

"Do-si-do time! I gotta dance!" Scout started hopping back and forth. Another dodge here and he held out his hoof sideways. "You know what da do!"

Scout spun alongside the next spell and was standing in front of Nightmare. He pulled her hoof into his and jumped. And Scout headbutted her with enough force that there was blood from both parties. "Boom, dat is a skull fracture! And holy crap dat hurt a lot more den I remember."

Pressuring the wound, Scout relaxed. "I'm starting to feel so very sorry for you. So I'm just gonna sit here." Scout crouched onto where he had been standing earlier. "Please, just try something, anything. Jeez." Scout started pulling out a bright blue can while he was talking.

Nightmare was skeptical, but the stallion had constantly shown his arrogance over the course of the fight, and she assumed that she could likely hit him before whatever he had planned. She begin channeling her classic attack spell so that it would be impossible to dodge from where he had been, as she already judged the limits of his speed and reaction through trial and error.

The massive blast came as Scout crushed the empty can and threw it to his side. The blast engulfed the entire area around him, kicking up the dust and leaving a massive smoke cloud. As seconds past, without any notice of movement, the crowd of ponies just assumed Scout had to be dead...it had to be impossible to dodge that in particular.

"Wanananana." Everypony turned towards the collection of smoke, dispersed by Scout expanding his wings. Nightmare Moon had anticipated such and shot several large bolts in quick succession.

"Psyche! Missed me! De-nied! Weak! Nice aim!" Scout dodged flawlessly, but he started leaving a blurred trail signifying his progression to the various stances he took. When the trail left, Scout smiled, "Can't hit what ain't dere, can ya?!"

Until Scout got hit directly by a dark bolt of lightning, and crashed into a couple of boxes. "Thou has had their time! We refuse to give you any more!" She hadn't wanted to admit it to herself, but Nightmare was slightly shaken by the stallion's almost casual intent toward his own death or talking to a superior entity. What had her sister let the world become, if such a pony existed. However, it was to be no more as no pony could withstand a direct impact of such magical voltage.

*CHNK* "GAGHH" Nightmare Moon screamed as something plunged into her side. Immediately pulling the offending item, it had been a large kitchen knife with foreign characters, and covered in blood. Her blood.

"That's it. I am so sick of stupid bastards like you that refuse to give up." Scout kicked out the boxes he was covered in and flew up, shrugging away the remaining electricity. "What? You thought you could get rid of me dat damn easily? Have ya already forgotten who's better here? Try and hit me again. I dare you. My lightning reflexes might actually kick in this time. I will say I'm impressed, you got a cheap shot in. I respect dat." Scout smiled at Nightmare Moon.

"How?" Nightmare Moon began.

"Told you already. I'm the force-a-nature that's gonna responsible of clippy-clopping a hoof into your ass!" Scout pulled out a scattergun. Noticing everypony's confused faces towards the gun, Scout held it up, "What? You don't have guns here? Y'know de things dat shoot bullets?" Most nodded, as they had been aware of Dash's constant comparisons to being faster than a bullet. "Well, at least dat's somethin'."

With the onslaught of spells being much more intense, Scout still easily dodged while heading towards Nightmare Moon, "Float like a butterflah." Scout held up the scattergun at her head. "Sting like a bee."

The shot contacted with a magic barrier, which shattered. Scout, rather than being hindered, simply whacked a metal bat into Nightmare's chin, and took out the Force-a-Nature to knock her into the dirt further away. Sliding his hoof across his bat, Scout pointed it towards Nightmare, "Look at dat! No blood, no hair, nuttin'! This is an absolute marvel of batting technology! And if you order now, you'll get a second beating absolutely free!"

Not giving her any time to recover, Scout took out two pistols, one with a wing decal, and the other being a flat grey. Firing both at the same time, Scout reloaded the winged pistol while still firing the remainder of the clip of the other, when they both ran out of ammo at the same time, Scout threw both into the air and pulled out the scattergun again, clicking another shot in and constantly firing into the magical shield Nightmare had put up when she was knocked back.

During this, however, Nightmare Moon had noticed something particular about the weapons he had, as all of them had shared something very...unique. During the pause between Scout's shots, Nightmare pulled hard at the distinct signature.

This caused the pistols dropping in the air and the scattergun in Scout's hand to immediately fly to Nightmare, he managed to barely grab the bag before he got pulled with it, but as it had been unzipped, every single weapon he had started flying at Nightmare.

Including a wooden bat with spikes which scraped alongside the side that Nightmare took the cleaver earlier. Wincing, she still felt confident, as the massive amount of weapons she had accumulated, an impossible amount to fill that backpack he was holding, had to be his entire arsenal.

"Oh well, that's just not fair! I frikin' hate magic!" Scout kicked the dust in front of him.

"We suppose this is end game." Nightmare used his magic to point all the tools she was earlier assaulted with back at the perpetrator.

"Nah." Scout ruffled through his bag, searching desperately. He had been worried, but bantered nonetheless, "Cuz' good ol' Scout can't be beaten by the fatness of the night, only being seen through the corners of eyes, with people too traumatized to directly look otherwise."

Pulling out a magazine, featuring a pony wearing a witch outfit on the cover, Scout quickly flipped through the pages. "I am stronger than you. I am smarter than you." Scout seemed to miss the page and flipped page by page backwards. "I'm definitely faster." Nightmare threw every sharp item she had possession of. "And I know for a damn fact that I'm better." Scout stopped on a page and Nightmare fired all the guns at the same time. "Barpo kabalto!"

Scout started shining a bright neon blue and his eyes became pure green, and grabbed a sword that had been thrown at him, and letting the rest of the onslaught bounce off of him. "Heck yes! Ten second Uber all the way! Seismela tremoro!" Scout threw the fireball that had manifested in his hand.

Nightmare Moon heard the meteors coming above her and teleported away from the area of effect, unaware of the 'ipsum instantarium' Scout sputtered in the background.

"I!" Scout threw the spell in his hand into the meteor storm. "Love!" Scout teleported into the storm and threw another directly in front of Nightmare. "Magic!" Scout appeared in front of Nightmare, still shining a furious blue, and the rune-carved sword plunged into her left side, still unaffected by his previous attacks.

Nightmare teleported to the other end of the meteor-engulfed area, leaving Scout to slowly blink away his invulnerability. "How hast thou learned spells?! Thou art no unicorn!"

"What does a having a horn have to do with anything?! I've got this damn magazine!" Scout shoved the spellbook magazine in her direction. Nightmare needed very little time before she had access to her trump card, only hindered by her lack of a magic pool.

Her curiosity, however, was an ulterior motive. "No book can give any pegasus direct access to the forces of magic."

"Too bad that I'm more of a force-a-nature than a pegasus, huh?" Scout cockily smiled back. "If I have to be a unicorn to use magic, since ya messed with me, ya get the horn!" Scout held up his forehoof and jabbed upward.

Nightmare Moon was, in fact, about to retort, as now she was once again annoyed, especially considering a few ponies had actually laughed. But she had waited long enough. She could now simply rid herself of this nuisance forever. "Thoust hurt ponies, yes?"

"Huh? Well, more than just ponies, like I meant people. And I usually kill them anyways." Scout said without any second thoughts. "Why? Ya finally gonna give up?"

"No, the opposite. Since I have won." Mist surrounded Scout instantly. "Thou will now experience nightmares which you have never once before imagined. Now live in your fear and regret for all of eternity. In the misery of those whose lives thoust have ruined."

Sighing, Nightmare turned to address the ponies, "He will be of no more consequence, none can outrun their past. Our rule will begin as your knight has fallen."

"I ain't no stupid knight. I already told you that I'm the bad guy, doofus."

"Impossible." Nightmare turned and saw Scout simply walk out of the mist. "How could thou possibly overcome all of thine fears?! And of the horrors of your past?!"

"Hey, big, fat, and ugly, I got over those damn ghosts a long time ago." Scout pulled out a cigarette, and held it up. What happened next freaked everypony out.

Another pony, only clad with a white mask and a yellow helmet, with a red coat, appeared for the smallest of seconds and lit the cigarette in Scout's mouth. However, instead of enforcing the feeling, Scout coughed out the cigarette quickly.

"Shit, those things'll kill ya." He threw the cigarette back into the mist. "Like, honestly, what did you expect from even more smoke and mirrors? I mean a mirror would've been nice, I could've noticed how handsome I was. Well I know how handsome I am, still would've been nice though." A loud sizzle came from behind him.

"Huh?" Scout would've said if he was actually able to. Considering that the mist frikin' exploded! The explosion threw Scout across the entirety of town and crashed into a building.

Nightmare Moon, just as confused as the other ponies, blinked it away, and continued. "Your knight has fallen. We would have made our example to Equestria through you own deaths, but we must recover, so know that your precious sun will never rise again and the night shall last forever!" Smoke erupted from the ground and engulfed Nightmare Moon. The smoke started flying off, and Dash tried to fly after it, but lost it as the mist blended into the night sky.

"Nighttime forever?" Dash worried. Looking back at the panicking ponies, she noticed Twilight running off with Spike on her back. "Now where are you going?"

The crowd my have turned into a panic, and Twilight Sparkle had been curious about Scout, but she needed to find the Elements of Harmony, or else nopony may ever see Princess Celestia or the day ever again. She just hoped that it wasn't already too late, and about the well-beings of the guards and Scout, but at the very least, Nightmare's injuries may have delayed enough time that the fight had caused.

Chapter 3: Start of a Journey...or not

And that choice was poor. He is weak.
And yet, so strong.

Dash should've followed Twilight. She knew that Twilight likely knew about what was going on. But she couldn't help but stare at the collapsed building that the strange pony was knocked into. None of the other ponies were even attempting to go near the mess, as most of them were panicking, with the few sane ones trying to control the chaos.

"Tch." Dash grunted as she took off towards the house. When reaching the destroyed house, she desperately started to clear the debris, hoping the stallion was still alive. The few deaths she had witnessed were of old age, or due to an unfortunate accident, as weather pegasi work was seldom dangerous. But this wasn't an accident.

"C'mon...please..." Dash's voice trembled. She had to admit she was scared, even if the stallion seemed like a jerk, nopony should ever deserve to die. And then a piece of rubble flew into her face.

"Seriously?! The magic mist thing is combustible?! Stupid cigarette. Then again, I guess that's why fireballs are a thing..." Scout kicked away another piece of ceiling and climbed out of the mess he was in. When he slid down the pile of crap, he saw Dash with part of a wall on her face. "Hey, there's a little sumthin' on your face. Or is it your face?" Scout said, walking past her.

I was worried about this guy! Dash felt a vein pop and pushed herself up, letting the wall slide off of her side. "I was trying to help ya know, you could-" Dash stopped and stared at the massive bloody gash on Scout's side, and sizable cuts across his left wing. She was forced to push don something she felt coming up her throat, leaving a bad feeling across her mouth.

Scout turned, curious as to why the dumb thing had stopped speaking, but didn't stop walking. "Yeh, sure, whatever. Wimp. It's just a few broken ribs, get over it."

"Hey, hey, wait. You need a hospital!" Dash quickly flew over to stop his path. "You shouldn't be moving at all!"

Scout pushed her aside with his hoof, "Yeah~, no. I hate doctors. I've had worse anyways." He started heading toward the plaza, planning to simply grab his weapons.

"You need medical attention. What, are you planning to fight that thing again with your injuries?!" Dash yelled at him.

Scout turned so that she would see him roll his eyes. "Fuck no, I don't care about that shit anymore. Why bother? Obviously, I hold a grudge but I've got more important stuff to do. Not to mention I won, dumbass ran away even if I took one flesh wound."

"That's not just a flesh wound! You're going to pass out if you keep going with those injuries!"

"So what? Not like you should even care." Scout waved his hoof behind his head. "Don't you have some damn panicking to do, or possibly go and cry in a corner, scared of the big bad black pony! Shoo!"

Another vein popped in Dash's anger. She would retort, but it's not like he would care. And if he doesn't care, she wouldn't either. Anyways, she also had something to attend to. Dash started flying upwards to catch a sight of the purple mare from earlier, leaving the bastard of a stallion down below.

Scout picked up the last of the weapons that were dropped in the plaza, surprised that even with the mass panic that none of his stolen inventory was damaged. Even the delicate stuff that hardhat made for him was perfectly fine. However, if some of the other inventions that stayed in his backpack had been damaged in anyway, he probably wouldn't be able to use those anymore. At least, not without fear of being exploded.

Scout pushed aside a few ponies to get towards the emptying streets, probably rubbing a small amount of blood on a few of them. "Alright, alright...now what? Planet Gaia? Equestria? How the hell do I get back home?! Wait...why do I wanna go home again?"

Scout ran a mental checklist, much to the chagrin of his anti-egghead personality. Positives are there's no more fighting or needing to die, wings, and the chance to be away from the dumbasses on his team or the old hag of an announcer. Negatives were being a pony, no substantial money source if money was a thing here, and being a frikin' pony.

Scout stopped his train of thought when he spotted a carelessly abandoned apple and hay cart. Okay, are apples that important in this place? Seriously, do they warrant this kind of attention? That attention should be on me! Wait, I shouldn't be comparing my holiness to apples...

Scout picked up some hay, and proceeded to stare intensely at it. Is this edible? Scout sat there and pondered one of the greatest questions presented to the man-turned-pony community, population: one thousand atoms of awesomeness. Ah, Scout, you old dog, are you ever going to get sick of praising yourself? Hell no.

Before he could contemplate further on whether or not to take a bite, a rainbow blur tackled him to the ground and caused him to drop the hay. Groaning in frustration, Scout looked straight into the face of the annoying rainbow-colored haired pony from earlier.

"You're stealing again? You ever try, I don't know, paying for these things?" Dash growled.

Noticing how the pony had him pinned down on both hooves, Scout coyly said, "You just met me! I mean, I like going fast and all, but I gotta admit I've never had a fangirl be this aggressive before."

Dash's face flushed red, and scrambled backwards. "Ew! Gross! No, just no!"

At this moment, five other ponies caught up to Dash. "Dash, what the hay are ya rushin' ahead for? Twilight's trying to explain stuff on the way, and wait it's you! Ya darned apple thief!"

Twilight, unlike Applejack, actually realized what Scout's presence meant. "You're alive?!" Noticing the gash on his side and before she could contemplate on whether or not to comment about their earlier actions involving the misrepresentation of the force of gravity, Twilight continued, "And you need a hospital!"

Other than Rainbow, who already saw the wound previously, underwent the same process she had previously when looking upon the wound. Fluttershy had even managed to find a nearby bush where she could quietly vomit without being seen.

Pinkie, being the first to recover, argued, "Wait! We were supposed to scene cut to the entrance of the forest and all gasp, 'The Everfree Forest!' as if it continued our previous statement!"

The ponies took a moment from their reactions to Scout's wound, and stared at her blankly. Even Fluttershy was peeking from her hiding bush in confusion.

Scout, familiar with story elements(See last chapter), said, "But since there isn't anyway I'm not the main character, and I hadn't heard this previous conversation, so naturally the story re-centers itself on me."

The blank stares now went to Scout, with Pinkie replying, "Oh, I suppose that makes sense!" She inhale loudly, "Does this mean you're joining the journey since you're the main character?!"

During this conversation, Chucklenuts the squirrel had randomly wander into the bush where Fluttershy was, assuming he found a safe place to eat his nuts, and paid no attention to his owner which was towards his left. Scout thought about it, "On second thought, I don't want to be the main character for once, it sounds like too much of a pain."

Pinkie asked, "Even if I win at rock paper scissors?!"

Scout then sounded excited, "Alrighty then! Let's do-" Scout stared at his hooves again, and glared at Pinkie. "You suck."

During Pinkie's responding giggle, it cloaked the noise of the growling of an annoyed squirrel that just stepped in vomit. Which for some reason had some weird-looking black lace in it. The growling also directed at Fluttershy, forced the mare to begrudgingly walk back towards the group.

Applejack, quicker than the others, blinked in rapid succession in order to rid herself of her confusion. Her next statement, luckily enough, had absolutely nothing to do with anything aforementioned. Sighing, Applejack turned to Dash and said, "Hey, Rainbow Dash, since y'all are the fastest, why don't ya take him to the hospital while we go ahead to the Everfree? Ya were gettin' mighty bored just walking with us."

Before Dash could protest, Scout was registering the first few of her words in his head. She said that the wall-on-her-face pony was Dash... the annoying Engineer er, orange Engineer not smart Engineer, oh screw it, said her name was Dash... Scout spoke up, unfortunately yelling in the general direction of Fluttershy, "Wait a damn minute!"

After his successful prompt for Fluttershy re-establish the owner of the bush, Rainbow Dash said, "Yeh! I don't want to take him to the hospital!" However, this assumed that Scout was paying attention to the conversation of the ponies, which was severely mistaken, and she could only spout, "Yeh! I-" before being cut off.

"Shut up." Scout, from his assumed to be normal standing position of ponies, stared at his hooves.

Rainbow Dash glared at him, as Applejack, frustrated with his outright denial to Dash's statement, "Now wait a gosh-"

"Shut up." Scout stared at Dash's hooves.

Meanwhile, after being abruptly pushed out of the bush by a fleeing Fluttershy, Chucklenuts reentered the bush, ready to face bushmaster Fluttershy.

"But y'all-"

"Shut up." Scout stared back at his own hooves.

Once again, cutting to the squirrel, Chucklenuts knew that brute force was no match for the cowering pink-haired goliath, however, Chucklenuts, in the brief time he was there, gained the heart of the bush! And he played his trap card!

"Would-"

"Shut up." Scout stared at Dash's hooves. The concerned mare noticed his attention and started to pull back her hooves in discomfort.

Chucklenut's trap card happened to be just grabbing the tip of Fluttershy's mane and smearing it with some of the vomit. Much to the chagrin of the mane's owner, Fluttershy, for a brief second, experienced assertiveness, saying, "Now that was very mean! Wat do you have to say for yourself?!" However, the bout of courage had been brief, as she went back to a passive state. "I mean...because it...was mean."

"Bu-"

"Shut yer darned country-speak! And how could you confuse my hooves with hers?! Mine are clearly more muscular and toned!" Scout accusingly point his hoof towards Applejack.

Contemplating his response, Chucklenuts the squirrel was about to apologize until he realized something. He was hungry, Scout is annoying, he didn't care, and Scout is annoying. So what he did instead was push Fluttershy slowly out of the bush while she meeped.

"Well-" Applejack had apparently inherited a knack for being the character to be cut off in conversations.

"Enough! " Pinkie raised her hooves in the air. "We have important things to do! And the author is clearly having trouble writing so many characters! Rarity hasn't said anything! And Twilight's was supposed to be the center of attention during this scene but the author forgot his original intentions!" Stopping her outburst, Pinkie dragged a cart that spawned from seemingly nowhere, "There's a story here! Curse the author for not knowing how to stop this scene!"

Pinkie Pie ran up to Scout and leaned forward in a cartoon-like manner. Scout was thinking about other things at the moment, mainly "I'd rather be in a action movie with a harem...not a book...books are stupid." and "There are five, wait six, females here...should I try and make it a harem? But I don't like any of them. Oh, right, and they're ponies. I don't want to be in that kind of romance. That romance is stupid." and "The hooves actually do look alike...does that mean my arms always looked like a girl's? I don't like that thought. That thought is stupid." and "There's too much repetition in my thoughts. My thoughts are either meant to be on the level of God's or used in M-rated thoughts. So repetition is stupid."

Pinkie's forehead colliding with Scout's as he didn't respond by leaning backwards coerced him into leaving his thoughts however. "Pinkie Promise you'll go to the hospital!"

Scout, annoyed, replied, "If you stop breaking the fourth wall so damn much, than cross my frikin' golden heart, and hope to fly...embarrass everyone else at flying."

Pinkie's eye extended towards his, "Close enough! Now say 'Stick a cupcake in my eye!'

Resisting...failing to resist the urge to poke the protruding cone-like eye, Scout said simultaneously, "Stick a cupcake in my eye." Scout was less pleased with Pinkie's lack of reaction.

"Ok!" Pinkie went back to a goofy smile. In one fell swoop, she dragged the other five ponies into the cart and pushed towards the entrance to the Everfree Forest. "To fight Nightmare Mooooooooooooooooooon!

Scout lazily waved. "Good luck with that." Staring towards the castle on the side of the mountain, Scout said, "Who cares about a promise?" Scout starting walking in a straight line towards it, even with an imposing looking forest unbeknownst to him to be on the way.

The dark mist seemingly watching the conversation followed the six ponies, ready to spring its traps as soon as the forest is entered.

Catching up to the speeding cart, the dark mist overheard the white one speak, "Fluttershy, darling, what happened to your hair?!"

Fluttershy merely meeped in response. Rainbow Dash, reflecting on the previous conversation and events, said, "Well, I agree with Pinkie on one thing. That took forever!"

Author's Note

Sorry! Sorry! I didn't mean for this to take so long to come out! It's just one of those things that I enjoy doing but for some reason, I still need to force myself to start actually writing. I would blame the major crackdown by my teachers since some idiot was found out to be cheating, and in junior year that's a big deal, but that would just be an excuse. Sorry about the wait, but I might not be able to crank out chapters that quickly. My bad. Oh, I uploaded this at midnight, and completely forgot to proofread. Please point out errors, so I edit them later. Or I could just start on the next chapter or something...

Chapter 4: Edge of Disaster

They are a not a hero. They are far from it.
That's what makes it fun.

“Alright. Now what?” Scout questioned his all-knowing mind. However, his all-knowing mind was currently on lunch break and would not be flying until Scout decided on something. He had something important to do…but what was it?

Scout scratched his head with the edge of his hoof. And then it hit him. “Ow! Where the hell did that stick come from?! Oh wait… that’s not a stick. That’s a branch. Wait, why do I care?”

“Oh wait! I need to stop being a pony! That’s right! Screw you, pony body that is still amazingly sexy since you belong to me! I need hands! And chicken! Fried.” Scout immersed himself in just being able to listen to his sweet, sweet voice continue to talk. “Like seriously, my only supply of chicken was filled with frikin’ daisies. Why can’t they be roses? At least then, I could stab people with ‘em.”

Now…if I were a magic spell that could turn an amazingly handsome pony into a blindingly sexy human, where would I be? Well, I probably wouldn’t exist, no other blindingly sexy human ever existed, obviously. But… if Scout were to turn back my own clock, it would probably be at the giant castle built in the frikin’ mountain. They have a overwatch over the entire place, right?

Like, seriously, who builds a frikin’ castle…wait, scratch that, a frikin’ city on a mountain?! What happens if there’s a landslide? There ain’t enough Scouts in the world to heroically rescue every girl in the place and proceed to bang them.

“Now. The fastest way would be through that super dark forest that clearly lost its well-lit hot mom and the clear way would probably be dem train tracks I saw earlier.” Scout never needed to say this aloud. He knew the answer. He had dat need for speed, after all. Wait, no he didn’t. Scout already had that speed. People that needed it had to beg on their knees to him for it.

Swinging his backpack around, elegantly over his damaged wings, Scout ruffled through its contents. “Gun? Nope. Other gun? Nope. Bat? Nope. Cat photo? W-what the f*ck? I’m burning dat. Picture of my ma and Spy? Burning half of it. Matches? Crap, I don’t have matches. Oh, there's what I'm looking fo'! I think?”

Scout took out a couple of robotic shoes…like he couldn’t call him horseshoes since they don't look like…well, horseshoes. These looked like what horses would have for gloves. If said gloves were mechanical and glowing menacingly.

“Two hyper-power runnin’ shoes and one grappling hook gauntlet. Good thing all of my stuff decided to become pony stuff. Wait, f*ck. I have four of these things now…” Scout dangled one of his hooves in front of him, too awesome to wince at the pain of it being broken in around 5 places and fractured around double that number.

Scout blinked twice. “Ah, screw it.” Scout used his broken right forehoof to attach the grappling gauntlet onto his left forehoof and jumped his hind legs straight into shoes. It did not take him four tries. No one said that.

Struggling to balance on only his back hooves, Scout grumbled, “Stupid pony body…stupidly sexy stupid pony body.” After correcting himself on the few occasions that Scout was wrong, where the only one that could say that Scout was wrong was Scout himself.

Scout cracked his dumb pony neck. “Let’s do dis.” Tapping the side of one of the mechanical shoes, a whirring sound rung signifying its activation. “So do these still wor-AHHH!”

Scout was caught off-guard by how ridiculously fast he was, hell he could even surprise himself sometimes. He also certainly did not care about how his forehooves were having trouble with the high speed and were dangling by his sides. It took a lot of effort to keep those fat sexy things in line.

At least, for anyone that wasn’t Scout. Scout could handle everything. That broken twig? Scout could step on it. Boom. Wood has no chance against awesomeness. That tree over there? Scout can punch it. He won’t, but he could! The odd leaf pile in front of him that looked like a gardener purposefully put it there? Bang! Scout ran through it.

“Grrr…” Wait, did he just hear something? Nah, it was nothing. At least it was until Scout heard barking behind him!

“Wah-wood dog?! Oh wait…wood dogs?!” Scout double-backed his statement as the leaf pile he ran through dispersed revealing two previously sleeping dogs that were currently chasing after his sexy ass.

‘Wait…if they’re wood…then does that mean?’ Scout thought to himself before making a complete 180 degree turn to run himself straight at the enemy.

Scouts be warned. Only if you’re this awesome does this strategy work. And that means never.

Scout kicked the leg off of one of the timberwolves, and controlled his flailing arm just long enough to grab it out of the air. And then Scout used his brilliant idea.

“Fetch!” Scout reeled back his forehoof and launched the twig…wolf…thing leg. Arm? Whatever. Anyway, he threw it with the strength of an Olympian champion.

After it landed five feet away from him, Scout turned back to witness wood dog stupidity. Instead, his snout almost got bit off in its entirety. ‘Okay, then. Fetch does not work on wolves made out of the things that dogs fetch.’

Scout looked around frantically to find a way to save himself from a beatin’. Normal people would think that they would die. But who gives a shit? He’s a Scout, dammit.

Finding tracks in the ground, with flat prints without any frikin’ claw marks, Scout decided to follow them to their owner(s), and just dump off his problem. It worked with his past several one girlfriends before.

Stepping alongside the tracks, with several prints being made and fairly close together means that it was a pack of ‘em or that it was just one dude moving at the opposite of Scout’s pace. That means slow, people.

Losing the tracks momentarily, no seriously, Scout lost track of the tracks that were the only thing really going to save him. It ain’t like he’s a Tracer or anything. Wait…tracker. That’s the word. How did he get that mixed up?

Running back, which Scout immediately realized it was a mistake to do so, and that he should cut himself in punishment. Or somebody else. Yeah, somebody else definitely deserved it more than he did.

Anyway, it was a mistake because those two timberwolves was now a dozen. Or a baker’s dozen. What’s the difference between those again? Screw bakers, they don’t deserve special treatment. So Scout was currently running away from a Scout’s dozen worth of timberwolves.

However, with the passing moments, with Scout’s amazing predictive ability and not dumb luck in any way, Scout relocated the tracks in the ground. Although they were wet now for some reason, if the mud he was currently stomping around in was any indication. So they were fresh. Scout totally thought that from the start. It didn’t take a minute of wading through mud to think it.

“Oh, I’m sure it’ll grow back quickly. Judging by the amount I gave, it should only take around half of a month or so, and until then, I could try all new styles with a shorter tail!” A voice rang out to Scout's immediate satisfaction.

‘Found them. Suckers. So what species is it gonna be now? Zebra? Lion? Nerd?’ Scout thought as he continued to run like the not-sissy he was away from the timberwolves.

“Incoming!” Scout yelled out to alert the presence of his almighty. And then he realized that his predictions were wrong. Except the last one. One of those six was definitely that.

Making it a purpose to gather as much grunting noises as he could and bump into every single one of them, especially the rainbow one, Scout ran past all of them. “So that’s what you sound like! Prissy and whiney, just like the rest of ‘em!”

Before any of them could retort or question it, Scout took the opportunity to talk even more, “Oh, and those are your problem now! Have fun!”

Scout waved his hoof back at them as he could hear a Southern accent yell out ‘Timberwolves!’, confirming the name of the wooden toaster wolves.

‘Heh, easy game, easy life.’ Scout thought to himself as he kept running in a straight line, although he contemplated whether or not he should be going in the same direction as those stupid ponies. Weren’t they doing something? Ah, Scout doesn’t need to know the unimportant crap.

What Scout does need to know is the giant frikin’ cliff that was now getting in view! Trying, failing, to reach the emergency break with his dumb hooves. Scout realized there was only one thing left to do against the cliff.

Turn.

However, that completely didn’t work and instead he tripped on a twig. God f*cking dammit. Rolling at incredible speeds straight to the precipice, Scout attempted to regain control and his sanity. He was screaming like a little girl. That played with ponies. God f*cking karma.

Right before the brink of the cliff, Scout managed to stand himself straight using his broken front hooves, but was unable to stop his momentum. However, using his amazing quick wit, Scout launched himself straight into the air using those hooves in a perfect 45 degree angle.

‘Yeah! F*ck you, karma! I follow no rules!’ Scout praised himself as he flew in the air, without the assistance of his torn wing. And he was about to nail the-

Wall.

Slowly sliding down the cliff edge, and drifting into unconsciousness, at a very, very slow pace, Scout thought to himself, ‘F*ck, I need pancakes in the morning.’

He slid down five feet. Scout’s mind was currently deciding to go on strike. He slid down fifteen feet. Oh, there goes his vision. He slid down thirty feet. Scout was now completely numb of pain. He slid down fifty feet. F*ck, why wasn’t he unconscious already? He slid down 100 feet… about… god… damn… time… wait… what’s… a… Pinkie… promise………………

Time passed. Like, maybe five minutes… or ten. Which one of you readers could honestly give a shit. Here, have a cute chipmunk.

Chucklenuts stopped himself. Suddenly, he felt like murdering someone by tearing their eyes out and forcing them down someone else’s throat to suffocate them and then proceed to give the first person the blame so he would end on death row and get guillotined so that he could slowly chuckle away as their head rolled on the hard surface.

Okay…here’s an awesome squirrel?

Chucklenuts no longer felt like murdering somebody. Now, rape and/or assault would do. Chucklenuts banged away at his newly found walnuts, to go ahead and eat them. Obviously. For some reason, there were also a bunch of other food stuffs for animals in the area as well. And there was a nice small creek in front of the house he was currently enjoying himself at.

Chucklenuts even managed to find some carrots in a bowl outside that labeled for an angel. Chucklenuts chuckled. Yeah, f*ck God and religion. He had nuts. But what Chucklenuts did with the carrots was proceed to throw them all away but one of them. Which he took a nice long piss on. If Scout taught him anything other than sweet murder, is sweet torture. And how not to get laid.

Chucklenuts threw away the carrots initially because it wasn’t like he was going to eat ‘em. So screw whoever does right? Carrots have no flavor anyway, so the one he left should have plenty of flavor.

Chucklenuts’s ears twitched as he heard something approaching. Lazily bobbing his head forward, Chucklenuts eyes met with a white bunny.

And he looked pissed. And way more intense than the one Chucklenuts took earlier. Maybe.

Jolting awake, Scout found that he was currently being electrocuted like hell. Holy shit!

Scout quickly crashed his hooves with Engineer’s tools on them against the wall, hard enough that the metal tore about and his hooves were free from electrocution. ‘Wait, did those things just defibrillate me from death?!’

Note from one of the co-authors: He was not dead at any point. He is merely in incredible pain.

Scout was in incredible pain. The consequence of bashing his hindhooves into the wall was finally catching up to him. Oh and dropping a hundred and a half feet hurt a whole bunch, too. Not as much if he wasn’t sliding alongside the wall the whole time. Hooray, physics. Scout didn’t feel like breaking ‘em this time.

But now, he was stuck on a tiny ledge, on a cliff and it still led even further downward. Wow, what a sight he must have been. A sexy, handsome, extremely muscular pony that was bruised, cut, and broken in so many places. Honestly, Scout was considering just killing himself at that moment. Maybe he would’ve just respawned… maybe the radius of the machine could pick him up all the way from here.
Scout hated that he knew he wasn’t dreaming at the moment. The slow and painful agony he was currently in, eyesight still clouded with red, was so different from the adrenaline that was keeping him from the pain in his run through the forest. It was so nice to be rushing. Now, it just feels like he was at a standstill.

No end in sight. If his sight ever decided to get clear of his blood. Scout couldn’t really move much to wipe his own eyes away, and the pain was keeping him from blinking. Huh, who knew that if you were in enough pain… blinking doesn’t really become a concern? Or was he just dying?

The rock that was supporting his head crumbled away, and Scout felt his head bob backwards without enough energy to keep it up. Guess even rocks can’t handle the weight of some of Scout’s awesome thoughts.

Scout was still bragging. Yeah, weird, right? But it kept him going. That thought that he was the best was the only thing keeping him from just giving up at the moment.

So Scout did what Scout did best. Ha! Look at that muscled hoof! Flex it. So much more muscle that Scout wasn’t surprised there wasn’t already a hot girl attached to it. Carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, Scout felt like a hero! No, he was a hero! Wiping away all the blood from his eyes, letting the blood of champions fall into the abyss that no matter how bottomless couldn’t take all of his awesomeness as well as Scout already could. And-

Wait…is that a f*cking bridge. Is that a f*cking bridge? Is that a f*cking bridge?! Oh, f*ck him. Scout couldn’t express it enough. Was he that blind that he couldn’t spot a f*cking bridge?! Nah, man, nah… he was just too god damn stupid to notice a f*cking bridge!

Now he’s just in a f*king hole. God f*ck him and this hole. Scout bet that b*tch Gaia f*cking put this hole on her earth literally for God to f*ck it. There was a bridge, dammit!

‘Y-you know what?! F*ck that bridge!’ Scout lifted his grappling hook equipped left forehoof straight towards the end of the bridge he was closest to and aimed slightly above it.

Launching the hook, with a perfect arc to it so that it tangled itself onto the ledge. Reeling it in, Scout completely ignored all of the pain he was currently in to get himself onto the cliff’s edge. When he finally reached it, Scout rolled himself onto the ground.

If he wasn’t so pissed, Scout would’ve humbled himself for once to kiss the sweet ground. But he was pissed. Because there a f*cking bridge. Crawling over to the post that the bridge was tied to, Scout used the grappling hook to cut away at the string that was tying it. Which actually was a really shitty knot now that he thought about it, what kind of bridge-making pony would tie it this badly?! It’s a f*cking bridge. It’s like some amateur just went like, ‘I’m in hurry so this is how I’m gonna f*cking tie this f*cking bridge.’

Scout crawled over to the second post, and pulled on one of the strings and watched as the entire knot unraveled with ease. Who’s the stupid idiot that thought this was a good knot. Someone would’ve been killed, and it wouldn’t be by him!

Scout watched as the bridge flopped back into the giant chasm and observed the post on the other end of the cliff stay sturdy. See, apparently the person on that side of the f*cking bridge actually cared that it was f*cking bridge.

Ah. Scout felt good. Screw that f*cking bridge.

Oh wait. PAIN. SO MUCH PAIN. OH GOD, THE PAIN. Screw Naruto! Why aren’t you here now?! PAINNNNNNNNN! Scout would flail around in pain if he wasn’t in so much pain. But he was in pain. Lots and lots of pain. He couldn’t take this pain, dammit! Can he take a smaller loan?! This is too much pain for Scout. And Scout could take a lot. Ya hear that, ladies!

Ugh. Pain. Scout was currently on that stage of immense pain where he just accepted he was in immense pain. Pain~. Pain~~~~~~. Is there another word for pain~~~? Pain~~~~~~. Scout would be crying in pain right now but too much of his liquids were taken for his immense blood loss which was another reason for his pain~.

The pain felt like Scout stubbed his toe. On a nail. A really sharp and rusted nail. That was also on fire. And it stabbed his everywhere. Pain. When is Scout going to stop complaining about pain? When he feels like it, dammit! PAIN.

Suddenly, Scout realized that he was probably hallucinating. Because of pain. Because he felt his bag open when he as grappled upward, when his wing got caught onto the zipper (Which caused pain), and for some reason his stupid unicorn hat was on his chest now. Did he for some reason think that imagining a hat come out of his bag would help him?! Huh?! Pain!

Wait, his hoof was attached to the unicorn hat. And that hoof was currently covered in sticky blood. Wow, that’s a lot of pain that Scout suddenly felt. So maybe it just randomly happened to have the dumb unicorn hat stuck to his hoof.

Wait, nope. Scout was hallucinating. There was a rainbow coming out from that broken house over there. And it was pouring itself straight at him. Scout would move because screw rainbows but he was in too much pain to care. So he just watched as the rainbow poured straight through his unicorn hat and through his chest.

Scout almost felt bliss when he began to black out. It felt like his pain was being washed away as he blacked out. But Scout realized that maybe he shouldn’t be calling it blacking out.

Because god damn, it was colorful.

Twilight blinked.

Twilight blinked again.

Applejack honestly blinked.

Rarity fancily blinked.

Fluttershy shyly blinked.

Pinkie Pie decided in all of her power to not blink but just be surprised.

Rainbow Dash blinked in rapid succession.

“Well. That was…....um... okay.” Nightmare Moon looked as the rainbow produced by the Elements of Harmony went out the window.

Oh, and Nightmare Moon blinked.

They fought off a bunch of timberwolves due to a certain asshole. Twilight had just made a really nice speech about friendship and stuff. And then Twilight saw as the Elements of Harmony manifested. And that they shot an epic, giant rainbow at Nightmare Moon.

And then Nightmare Moon dodged it. She just kinda teleported to the right a few feet. And the Rainbow of Harmony bounced. Like a basketball. And went straight out of one of the two windows behind Nightmare Moon.

“This is a bit awkward.” Pinkie deadpanned in the awkward silence.

Twilight thought that for a giant rainbow power, it would have better tracking.

“Yes, considering this didn’t work the last time.” Nightmare Moon said, remembering that when she dodged it before against her fight against Celestia eons ago, that accursed rainbow tracked her across the world before it finally caught up and imprisoned her. For the minute or two, Nightmare Moon stood prepared for its return to try and attach itself to her. But it never came back.

Now, there was just an awkward silence. Nightmare Moon almost didn’t want to move in case that Rainbow of Harmony was somehow playing a prank and was waiting to sucker punch when she went on the offensive.

The new bearers of the Elements of Harmony also were kinda just silent. They activated a really sincere power with a really nice speech. And then the rainbow just bounced outside the window. Some of them were tempted to chase after it as if it were a baseball that landed in the neighbor’s yard.

But they just kinda stood there. Because… it really was awkward. Like, no jokes here. Too many ponies just being dumbfounded at the moment.

Another two minutes passed before the silence was broken again.

By maniacal laughing! Nightmare Moon began to revel that maybe the Rainbow of Harmony’s properties were affected due to the new bearers! Or maybe the Rainbow of Harmony felt as if there was something more important to do?! Like freeing Celestia! It would be easy enough to put her back!

The bearers looked at each other, each wondering ‘D-do we just do it again?’, and their looks to one another only confirmed that each one of them had the same thought.

But looking back at Nightmare Moon, her aura starting to darken the entire atmosphere around her, the bearers decided that they needed to try again. And their resolve steeled. This would be a difficult fight if Nightmare Moon was able to dodge the haymaker attack.
With two opposing sides of light and darkness facing each other once more, the awkward silence was replaced with a serious stare down.
Nightmare Moon charged. The bearers of the Elements of Harmony began to rise again. But their decision to get serious came too late. Before the power began to envelop them once more, Nightmare Moon was already in proximity to simply stab Twilight, who was closest, before the magic could be cast once more.

And then the floor erupted beneath her and rubble was hurtled into her face, pushing Nightmare Moon away. Leaving everypony that was in the room prior in shock, they all faced the newcomer.

Who just happened to be a not very lovable douchebag that left the Elements of Harmony with a bunch of timberwolves.

But now he was completely healed from his previous injuries they saw that he still had. And that he was glowing with a rainbow color. Menacingly. His eyes were also pure red, but they emitted not even the slightest bit of anger.

But that was far from the most noticeable thing. Scout was now wearing a hat that put a fake blue mane over his dirty brown one, and the coat of the hat was clearly a processed blue compared his coat. And it had a horn.

In that moment, Scout also said something that nopony would ever forget.

“I am the prettiest unicorn!”

Author's Note

....Honestly....I had no real plans to continue this thing and kinda forgot about it a little. Sure I felt guilty... but...no real excuse other than meh here.

I mean... my old plan involved Megas XLR and Green Lantern rings. And around fifteen instances of time travel. Was kinda dredging on the lower end of creativity there. Or at least smart creativity anyways...

Eventually I kinda planned just to jot down all of the plans for this story so I could quit feeling guilty.

But a friend of mine wanted to write a story of his own so I showed him this site. And as soon as I showed him I wrote a story a while ago and when I told him about that plan... he was pissed. Even more so then when he discovered NaNoWriMo in the middle of November.

And as one statement in the story suggests, I co-authored it with him... well, more like edited. He literally put the story he was writing basically on hold and wrote an entire chapter for this story. And because I made a deal, I guess we're going to be writing more than just this chapter.

Oh, and I'm apparently not allowed to tell you his account since he wants to get views on his own. So I guess you can just clap for an anonymous loser if you're happy this story is back.

Ah, right. I'll also take responsibility and apologize to any people who were offended when religious figures were insulted.

Prologue: Death

"Yo losers! Are ya trying to get me to die of boredom?! Cuz' you're doing a pretty damn good job of it!"

Bullets, and a shining red rocket flew overhead, with screams of annoyance being audible from around the corner.

"Yeah! Keep aiming that way! You were so close!" I ducked around another corner in time to dodge another hail of gunfire. "Yo, dumbasses! Have ya already forgotten ya can't hit pure awesomeness!"

Actually, a few bullets did graze me, but it's not like I care. People like me are too awesome to feel pain.

A bullet went straight through my arm and my jacket sleeve. "OW! Oh c'mon! This Letterman costs as much as your life! Which I will admit isn't very much actually." Y'know it's like my team can't do anything when good ol' Scout ain't there to lead the way. After all, they did all just get slaughtered.

I ripped off a bit of the sports tape on my hands to wrap the wound. It was a pretty crappy job, but considering I was gonna get shot even more if I stayed, I'd say it couldn't get much better than that.

I ran straight for the next hallway opening and up the ramp around the corner. Anyways, who cares if everybody else is dead? They'll get back up later, and hopefully finally realize that I am so obviously the best since I'm gonna manage just fine.

A few more bullets whizzed past, and I just barely dodged in time, not like I'll admit it. "Yo bozos! I'm this way! Where are ya even aiming?!"

There was another opening where they would be able to cut me off but as I am so clearly the smartest person alive, I decided to stay right around the corner where they almost got a few bullets in me.

Sure enough, the other Scout, the less awesome but somehow equally as amazingly handsome, came around the corner only to eat a full two rounds of the good ol' Force-a-Nature. Idiot. Knowing that the drunk demo was probably next I swapped out guns to a broken Force-a-Nature that had a Crit-a-Cola hastily strapped onto it. It had been the first Force-a-Nature but Heavy decided to break it after an incident with his 'Sasha'. I sorta repaired it, and now its one of more reliable weapons in my arsenal of my pure epic essence. I even added a little component hardhat gave me so that it even shined a bright emerald green every once in a while. Awesome.

I was wrong. The fat piece of lard was the guy that came through the door next. Crap. I jumped over towards a couple of stacked crates to my left, only to immediately turn around to jump back just to show that Russian maniac I wasn't scared of him.

I filled him with caffeinated lead, and jumped left and using my patented ability, the double jump, I jump straight onto the small door ledge...thingy...what the heck is that thing called? Whatever, as fatass decided to go around the corner, I stopped myself from making a move. The whole red healing beam directed at him meant a doktor. Oh ho, is he gonna be in for a surprise if he decides to show his nerd brain outside.

But I decided not to wait. My time is just too important to waste on these losers. I jumped down and used my recently reloaded Soda Popper into one German deutsch-bag, "Wow, doc! It'll sure be damn impressive if you can heal yourself from death!"

Now I didn't forget about pancakes, especially since he was screaming behind me, probably charging me. I turned and engage in an honorable fisticuffs, where I proceeded to easily dodge every one of his punches. Except the one that clocked me in the chin, that was a cheap shot.

"Little man kills doctor. I kill baby man." Heavy charged at me again. Only this time, I was even more ready than last time. I grabbed the first bat that was sticking out of my bag and whacked him across the skull as hard as I could. Unfortunately I grabbed an Atomizer, which is probably the softest bat I had, so I just kept swinging for a bit, or a minute or two. I may have dislocated the big guy's brain cuz' he just let me do it. Maybe he reached enlightenment after gazin' at me for so long.

After lard fat died, I jumped down expecting to grab a quick first aid kit and to go straight back into the action. Fate decided that the middle step wasn't necessary, as I clearly didn't need medical attention to take down a drunk and an idiot. Even if they had a grenade launcher and a rocket launcher.

"MAGGOT!" Tin-Hat saw me and shot a rocket straight at me, which I so elegantly dodged in mid-air. Newbies need better aim, but its not like I'm gonna just let em' hit me.

I threw the Atomizer into the rocket launcher's barrel. I had no idea what it would do, but I expected it would just jam. But of course, the rocket exploded anyways, taking him and the cyclops, who just registered me being there, in a fiery explosion. It also launched the Atomizer straight back at me, and I caught it, but the momentum caused it to hit me and I dropped to the ground. Hard.

I couldn't really see at that point, since I had a lot of blood in my eyes, but I got up and grabbed the first aid kit that I kinda wanted, but not like I really needed it or anything. When I could see again, I felt like death.

The firebug had his flamethrower straight at my head, and looked at me with a curious expression. If I hadn't been trained by BLU, I would probably be paralyzed with old trauma. Don't ask. The earlier explosion must've been like 'Come here for free cupcakes!' for him.

Before I gave him the chance the release the trigger and cook me, I kicked the nozzle of the flamethrower up, and tripped him so he fell to the ground. I grabbed a pistol with a little wing painted onto it, and filled his head with all five bullets in the clip. Normally, that wouldn't kill him but he probably took a bit of damage earlier.

"Hah, none of these losers can even touch me! They really should just step aside and recognize royalty." I took the moment to reload the Force-a-Nature and the Soda Popper.

I heard a uncloaking noise straight behind me and since I knew even I couldn't turn around in time, I just swung the Soda Popper over my shoulder and shot backwards.

Considering I wasn't yelling in pain after getting stabbed in the back, I assumed the shots connected. Sure enough, when I turned around, there was a Frenchie in a suit lying in a pool of blood.

"Wow, can't even stab a guy in the back correctly. When that's all you're good for, I don't see how you can even try and make fun of me." I kicked his corpse around. I really hated Spy.

I quickly ran a mental checklist of the bozos that need to respawn against those who I have yet to show the end of my gun. Other me? Check. Tin-Hat? Check. Arsonist? Check. Cyclops? Check. Fatso? Check. Hardhat? Probably still at their point. Doc? Check. Sniper?...Oops.

I took a look around and saw that camper decided to move up for once and was in a perfect position to just whack a couple of high-caliber bullets into me. Since I was damn sure I couldn't take too many more shots, I just ducked into the darkness. There just had to be no clear cover from the bastard looking towards where all the dead guys on his team were.

As soon as I had a moment, I would make a run for it and flank the coward so he pisses his damn pants. Not like an Australian is gonna-

The Soda Popper glowed a really bright green. Not Awesome.

Sniper immediately saw where I was and shot my head. Holy crap, being about to die hurts. Eh, respawn'll happen in a few moments so I can continue spreading my awesomeness. The world'll just have to wait for Scout to come back.

Are you sure?
More than anything.
Fine.

Huh, coulda sworn I heard somethin'. I got up and... fell right back down. What the crap? Respawn doesn't make me dizzy! I haven't been dizzy in years! I used my hands to get up... why are my hands flat? WHY ARE THEY BLUE?!

I quickly looked at my sweet muscled body, only to find the blue Letterman over some cyan... fur? Aw jeez, is this some kinda sick joke? What am I supposed to be? Some blue raccoon?

I realized I could feel a couple of new impulses I never felt before. Trying to stretch them out, wings at both of my sides popped and stretched out. I'm a furry bird?

I slowly flapped them so I could try flying. As usual, it came incredibly naturally to me. I even started by flying upside down. Hah, physics doesn't affect awesomeness.

So, anyways, what the heck is going on?

"Sup, losers." Scout walked up after respawning.

"I hate to admit it, but you did well boy." Spy, only wearing a blue suit this time, came up to Scout.

"Yeah, thanks crouton." Scout ran out the doors. Leaving an incredibly confused Spy. Did respawn make him polite? How nice. Perhaps a little bit of oddity isn't that bad.

Spy held up his wrist and disappeared to go back onto the battlefield.