Stop Calling Them Hiccups
"I dunno about this, Twilight..."
"Oh, don't be such a baby, Spike. You've seen me do way more complicated magic than this before. The mustache was more complicated than this."
The tiny purple dragon unsteadily crossed the room, the mountain of scrolls in his arms towering precariously over his head. "Yeah, but that was an actual spell. Celestia-approved and everything. You just made this one up."
"I did not make it up,” the unicorn protested, offended. “I calculated it. I spent weeks brushing up on my spell theory, planning for every eventuality, making absolutely sure-"
"Still..." Spike deposited the scrolls in a messy heap next to the purple unicorn, looking up at her. "I don't want you to drop another rock on my head by accident. And you remember the last time you tried to invent a new spell?" He shuddered. “’Cuz I do.”
"That won't-" Twilight Sparkle, humble magician extraordinaire, Princess Celestia's hoof-picked personal assistant, looked down at the pile and groaned. "Spike! I told you that I need these alphabetized!"
"I did alphabetize them!" He paused sheepishly. "...Then I dropped them. But look!" He poked the pile with a tentative claw. "...They're still kind of in order."
“Oh, really?” Twilight's horn glowed a soft magenta, and the crumpled scroll at the top of the pile levitated to eye-level. "This is Zecora's latest essay on magical applications of mandrake root. It should be in the middle of the pile." Twilight shook her head. "Anyway, we’ve got more important things to do. Let's get this started."
Spike took several nervous steps backward. "Tell me again why you can't just get a glass of water like a normal pony?"
"Think of the possibilities, Spike! If this works, it'll be the first step to making a better world! Nopony will ever go thirsty again!" She took a deep breath. "And it'll make life a lot easier, too. Take collecting water for Cloudsdale, for instance. It’s a dangerous job. We were lucky that everything went well this year, but when you get a hundred pegasi all flying in circles to make a tornado, all kinds of things can go wrong! And droughts won't be a problem anymore if unicorns can just conjure as much clean, normal water as they need! If I can just perfect this one spell…" she added, trotting to the center of the room, where an empty glass sat waiting on a small table.
"I-it's just a glass of water," Spike stammered. "If you’re thirsty, I can-"
"Hush, Spike. I need to concentrate." Shutting her eyes in concentration, Twilight lowered her head, and her horn began to glow once more. The glass trembled, its surface frosting over with ice. The temperature of the room began to drop impossibly quickly, and the shelves shook with the force of an earthquake. Twilight's eyes flew open, illuminating the room by shining a brilliant, pure white.
Spike edged further away, wishing that he'd been able to kiss Rarity goodbye one last time. Or one first time.
"It's working..." Twilight spoke in a near whisper, the corners of her lips curling with just a hint of a smile. The glass quivered violently, and a small pool of water began to form at the base. "It's working! Spike! Look!"
Spike shivered, his eyes darting around the room, desperate to find somewhere to hide from the inevitable catastrophe.
"Just a little more..." Books fell off the shelves, their pages frozen before they even hit the ground. Several shattered on impact with a strangely-muted crash.
And then the cup exploded.
Deadly sharp shards of glass rocketed across the room, embedding themselves in books, walls, desks, Spike. Twilight flew backward with a panicked yelp, straight into one of the few previously unsullied shelves. Before she even had a chance to get her bearings, it toppled, burying the purple pony in centuries-old texts and grimoires, and filling the air with a thick cloud of dust.
Nothing moved.
After several long moments, Spike finally sat up, coughing. He waved a clawed hand in vain to try to clear the air. "Ow..." He looked down. A shard of glass, several inches long and covered in ice, was protruding from the scales on his chest. He tugged at it, but it was stuck fast.
He'd just had them polished for Rarity, too.
"Twilight?" He looked around the room. "Hey, Twilight, are you okay?"
A purple head popped out from under the pile of books, eyes pointed in two different directions. "That... could have gone better..." Twilight shook her head, and managed to focus on her assistant. "Did... Did it work?" She still seemed a bit woozy as she wormed her way out of the tomb of knowledge.
Spike looked over at the table where the glass had been. The footstool was on fire. "...Well, maybe if you were trying to discover fire."
Then Twilight hiccupped, and the center of the room exploded for a second time.
When the dust finally cleared again...
Spike rubbed at his head. It hurt, but at least the second explosion had knocked the glass free of his precious scales. "So, um... what was that?"
Twilight sat nervously in a corner, her eyes darting about the room. Who knew what would explode next? She hadn’t meant to discover a weapon like this! "I.. I don't know! It must have been residue from the failed spell, or-"
She hiccupped again. A bucket of water appeared in the air above Spike and overturned, drenching him. The bucket hung for a few impossible moments, then landed on Spike’s head with a dull thunk.
Twilight’s eyes went wide. "Oh no."
Spike sighed, plodding towards the little dragons' room for a towel. "Oh no, what?"
"Magic feedback!" She ran over to Spike, picking him up and shaking him. "Magic feedback, Spike!"
Spike struggled to escape. "Magic what-now? And put me down, Twilight!"
"Ma-gic feed-back!" Twilight released her telekinetic grip on the baby dragon, who hit the ground with a thud. "It happens sometimes when a unicorn tries to cast a really, really powerful spell, but fails, and-" She hiccupped again. A book came to life behind her and starting doing the flamenco. She covered her mouth with her hooves, pure terror in her eyes.
Spike laughed. "Sounds to me like you've just got the hiccups."
Twilight grabbed him to shake again. "No, this is serious, Spike! These are no ordinary hiccups! I can't control my powers when they happen! And…" She shuddered. "Sometimes, they never go away!" Her eyes filled with tears. "You have to help me, Spike! There has to be a cure in one of these books!" Shake shake shake. "There has to be!"
Spike felt as though he were going to be sick. "Okay, okay, okay! I'll help! Just put me down!"
Twilight set him down, perhaps less gently than she intended, her eyes glittering. "Oh, thank you, Spike! Thank you thank you thank you!" She wrapped her hooves around him and squeezed him tight in a hug.
"hrk," Spike hrked, trying to push her away and get some air. When she finally released him (after she hiccupped again, and an anvil crashed through the ceiling) he spoke quickly. "I'll check these books for a cure, and maybe clean up a bit. Meanwhile," he said, pointing a claw at Twilight, who somehow managed to look terrified and sheepish all at the same time, "you should go into town. Somepony might know something about how to cure hiccups."
"Magic feedback."
"Whatever."
"Okay, Twilight. Keep it together. You won't be stuck with these forever. ...Right?"
Several heads turned to look at the crazy pony walking down the street talking to herself. Several recognized her and fled. When Twilight started talking to herself, creepy old dolls tended to start looking really appealing.
"Who should I go to? Rarity? She's a unicorn, so she might have had magic feedback before.. but then, she's doesn't really use that kind of big magic, so it's not likely... Fluttershy? She knows all kinds of remedies for weird stuff like this..." She hiccupped, and a mint-green unicorn several blocks away discovered to her delight (and her nearby friend's utter horror) that all four of her hooves had been replaced by hands. "Maybe-"
"Hey, Twilight!" She found herself cut off by a trio of voices from off to her right.
Oh no.
"Why are you talkin' to yerself like that?" Applebloom asked, tilting her head inquisitively.
"Do you need help with something?" Sweetie Bell asked, a grin beginning to stretch across her face. It wasn't hard to figure out what she was thinking.
"Um... Hi, girls..." Twilight greeted them hesitantly, wondering whether she should just make a break for it before the three fillies were flattened by a piano. "It's just that-"
"I don't know about this, guys..." Scootaloo hissed to her two friends in a quite audible whisper. "What if she's all crazy and stuff again?"
Twilight stared at her for a moment, before shaking her head and continuing. "No, I'm not crazy this time! It's just that-"
She hiccupped. Back at the library, the book that Spike was currently leafing through burst into flame.
"Oh, Ah see!" Applebloom jumped up and down excitedly. "You've got the hiccups!"
"Now that sounds like a job for the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"
"Yeah!"
Twilight waved a hoof dismissively. "I don't think-"
”””CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS HICCUP DOCTORS!!!””"
Twilight flinched away from the three, her ears ringing. Before she even had a chance to react, though, the Cutie Mark Crusaders pounced, having somehow acquired surgical masks.
"Ah heard that water cures hiccups!"
"I heard that if you hold your breath, that cures hiccups!"
"Oh yeah, well Dash told me that you cure hiccups by getting hit really hard!"
Twilight nearly choked as a glass of water was thrown in her face, her mouth was magicked shut, and was headbutted in the gut. She fell to her knees, wheezing.
"You're cured, Twilight!" Scootaloo nodded triumphantly, discarding her mask.
The three fillies checked their still-bare flanks.
A chorus of disappointed sighs echoed through the town.
Twilight hiccupped.
Scootaloo turned into a chicken and promptly ran off, clucking.
"Wha...?" Applebloom watched the Scootachicken flee, confused.
"Scootaloo, wait! Come back!" Sweetie Bell ran after her, straining her little legs as hard as she could.
Twilight sighed. "...I can fix that." She coughed. How could Scootaloo hit so hard?
Applebloom looked at her. "Wait here, Twilight! We'll be back to fix yer hiccups faster'n you can say... um... hiccups!" She chased after her friends.
"Fluttershy! Fluttershy, are you there? I need your help!" Twilight pounded on the cottage door, eyes flicking around desperately, searching for her friend. "Come on, Fluttershy!"
After a moment of frantic knocking, the door open and a pink-maned pegasus peeked out with a warm smile. "Oh, hello Twilight. Would you like to come in? Angel Bunny just made the most wonderful tea, and-" She stopped short as a half-eaten carrot bounced off her head. "Um. He's just being shy. He's really quite a wonderful cook when-" Another carrot ricocheted off of her head. "Um. Yes. Well. Maybe another time. Anyway." She tilted her head, finally noticing that something was off. "Twilight? Is... um, is there something wrong?"
"You have to help me, Fluttershy!” Twilight was practically shouting, and it was all she could do to keep from shaking her like she'd shaken Spike. “I have Magic Feedback, and I know you must have some cure for it!"
Fluttershy shrank back. "M-magic feedback? I-I-I don't..."
Twilight realized that she might be coming on a bit strong, and took a deep breath to calm herself. Fluttershy just watched, her whole body tense as if ready to dart back inside at the slightest provocation. "It's… a little bit like hiccups. Do you know any remedies for hiccups that work on ponies?"
"Oh, um..." Fluttershy waved a hoof. "Please, come in. And, um, have a seat, if you'd like." As Twilight trotted inside, Fluttershy plodded over to Angel, who was busy trying to hide a chef's hat and apron. "I'll be right back. I think I have just the thing."
While Twilight waited for Fluttershy to return, she had time to take several deep breaths and calm herself. It was just hiccups. Hiccups that could destroy Ponyville, of course, but they were still hiccups. They didn't usually last much longer than an hour or so. Only one unicorn in all of recorded history had ever had a case of Magic Feedback that lasted longer than a couple weeks. There was no reason to think that she wouldn't be fine.
...Or at least, that's what she told herself as she watched the front door melt into chocolate pudding.
"I can fix that!" Twilight exclaimed, possibly a bit too forcefully, as Fluttershy returned.
"Wh-what?" Fluttershy shrank away with a squeak, inadvertently dropping the bottle she had been carrying. It rolled lazily across the floor towards Angel, who eyed it warily. "O-oh... um... the, um, the door..." She stared at it for a few long moments, then fluttered over to retrieve the bottle. “I-it’s okay, I w-was going to replace it anyway…”
Twilight decided that it was high time for a change of subject. “So what’s in the bottle, Fluttershy?”
“Oh! It’s a simply wonderful herbal blend that I invented when one of my alligators developed the most dreadful case of hiccups a few months ago.” The pegasus paused to pull out the cork with her teeth. “It also works wonders on ponies! Why, just yesterday, at Pinkie’s ‘Happy Two Months’ party for little Pound and Pumpkin, Pinkie Pie drank too much punch all at once and got the hiccups, and this fixed her right up!” She beamed at her friend.
“That’s great! I’m sure it’ll be just the…” Twilight trailed off, her nose wrinkling. A foul odor wafted through the air. “Is… Is it supposed to smell like that?”
Fluttershy nodded happily.
"Uh... huh." Twilight sighed. "How much am I supposed to drink?"
“You have to drink the whole bottle for it to work. Otherwise, it won’t be enough, and the hiccups will just keep coming!”
Twilight wasn’t sure she’d ever smelled anything more awful, but- Her train of thought was cut off as she hiccupped again, and Angel Bunny sprouted big feathery wings. Fluttershy stared in horror. This stuff would cure the Magic Feedback. She had no choice. She started to gulp it down as fast as she could.
It was the worst thing she’d ever done in her life. She lowered the bottle, coughing like she’d just been headbutted in the gut by an overactive filly again.
“Oh my!” Fluttershy trembled nervously. Had she just poisoned one of her best friends?! Now that she thought about it, Pinkie hadn't seemed too happy after she tried it yesterday, and she hadn't seen her since! What if she was at home sick because of her?! Why, she could be lying in bed right this very minute, cursing Fluttershy for making her drink poison! What if Pinkie didn't want to be friends anymore?! What if Twilight didn't want to be friends anymore?!
Fluttershy started to hyperventilate.
After about a straight minute of coughing, Twilight managed to draw in a breath. “It’s… It’s okay, F-Fluttershy…” She grimaced. “Just… do you think you could get me something to drink?”
“Oh, yes, of course!” Fluttershy disappeared in a yellow blur.
Alone with her thoughts, Twilight eyed the half-empty bottle ruefully. “Well, you taste terrible, but I need to cure this feedback,” she announced to no one in particular. She paused. Great. She was talking to a bottle of medicine. Maybe she was losing it again.
She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and chugged the brew once more and oh dear sweet celestia why was she doing this to herself??
It was only through monumental effort that Twilight managed to finish off the rest of the vile liquid without choking. With a sputtering cough of triumph, she threw the bottle at a nearby wall. Maybe Fluttershy was a sadist or something. Those poor alligators. And poor Pinkie Pie.
Her friend finally reappeared, clutching a heavenly glass of water between her teeth. She still looked spooked. “T-Twilight…? A-are you okay?”
Twilight nearly bowled Fluttershy over in her desperate bid to wash the horrible taste out of her mouth as quickly as possible. When she’d recovered, she took a deep breath and spoke. “Yeah, I’m okay, Fluttershy. That stuff just tasted really bad. I mean, I know it’s medicine, but it was terrible!”
Fluttershy pawed sheepishly at the floor with her hoof. “Th-the alligators seemed to like it… Oh!” She brightened and looked up at the unicorn. “Are your hiccups gone?”
“Magic feedback,” Twilight corrected automatically, then paused. Silence. “I… I think they are! Thank you, Fluttershy!" She shot forward to envelop the pegasus in a great big hug. "You’re a real life sa-“ She hiccupped.
At Sweet Apple Acres, several apple trees became orange trees.
“…Never mind…” Twilight drooped, her voice resigned. “Thanks anyway, Fluttershy…” She plodded morosely out of the cottage, staring sadly at the floor. “I’ll get you a new door later…”
“Twilight, wait!” Fluttershy started to follow, then froze. “No, Angel Bunny! We do not try to put the poor little birdies in Mr. Hippo’s salad!”
Twilight didn’t even notice that Fluttershy wasn't following as she left.
