Warped Reflections - A series of very short one-shotsby abcd_zChaptersRainbow Dash Gets Spanked"Why are you here?"The scene where Discord shows up.I couldn't resist. ;)HandsGo straight to Celestia. Do not pass Go, do not spend three years in complete misery.Cuddles!Rainbow Dash Gets SpankedAuthor's Note Inspired by Equestrian Life Rainbow Dash Gets Spanked "Stop right there!" came the voice of Rainbow Dash. I did not want to deal with her right then, so I kept walking in the hopes that if I ignored her she might leave me alone. I know, I know. Fat chance. "I said, 'stop!'" she yelled, and almost immediately tackled me to the ground. I threw both hands in front of myself to cushion the fall and wound up with a face full of dirt and a skinned hand that throbbed painfully. Rainbow Dash sat on top of me, holding me to the ground with her body weight. I turned my head sideways and spat a few times to clear the dirt of out my mouth. "Rainbow Dash," I said through gritted teeth, "you have exactly three seconds to get off of me before I put you over my knee and spank you like an unwanted stepchild!" There was a shocked silence, then Rainbow Dash replied, "I don't know who you think you're talking to, but no pony talks to me like that and gets away with it!" "All right, that's it!" I exclaimed. I pushed myself to my feet and threw her off my back in one fluid movement. Before she could react I grabbed her and carried her. She kicked and yelled, but she couldn't get away from me. I had two younger brothers back home with whom I wrestled all the time. Compared to them, Rainbow Dash's efforts were strictly amateur. The only thing I needed to watch out for were her wings, but I managed to get around them and hold her long enough to carry her to a nearby stump. I sat upon it and dropped her so that her front hooves were on one side of my legs, her rear hooves were to the other side of my legs, and her stomach was propped up by my legs themselves. This meant her wing kept battering me in the face, but I could ignore that. Once she was positioned properly, I slapped her rump hard. I was rather thankful that no other ponies were around. I'd have spanked her even if there were, but I preferred not having to humiliate her in front of others. As I spanked her, Rainbow Dash yelled. Then she started shrieking. Then, in an unexpected turn of events, she started sobbing. She tried to twist out of the way but I held her in place. I hadn't slapped her rump more than a half-dozen times, but she was blubbering incoherently. I raised my hand for one last spank when she cried, "I'm sorry, daddy! I'm sorry!" I froze, my hand still in the air. Holy. Shit. I sat there awkwardly, a sobbing Rainbow Dash still propped on my thighs. I had wanted to teach her a lesson, but I hadn't meant to break her like that. I wasn't sure how to handle the situation. What would be appropriate? If I tried to comfort her, would that just make things worse? I wanted to fix this, but I wasn't sure how. Then Rainbow Dash did something that made it very easy for me to decide: even as she continued sobbing quietly she pulled her legs up and shifted her body to lie completely on my lap. As she did so she pressed her body against mine. It was pretty obvious that she wanted comfort and reassurance. So I gave it to her. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around her. I pulled her close to me and held her there carefully. Then I softly said the one thing she wanted to hear. "I forgive you." Rainbow Dash started crying loudly again and wrapped her front hooves around my sides. Her tear-streaked face pressed into my chest. I held her and rubbed her fur, murmuring "it's okay" over and over until her tears subsided. "Why are you here?""Why are you here?" Celestia asked. "Um, I'm here because you instructed me to come here." "No, here here. Why are you in Equestria?" Alarm bells started ringing in my head. Celestia had plenty of things she could have asked me, but this was the first question she chose to ask. It was also, word for word, what Spike had asked me the first time I talked to him. I said, "You know, princess, it's funny you should ask me that. You see, when I first arrived at Twilight's library, Spike asked me the same thing. He used the exact same words and everything. And then, immediately after I answered his question, it was like a switch was flipped in his subconscious from 'suspicious and paranoid' to 'warm and friendly'. It was like he was two different people. Isn't that funny? And then, over the course of the day, I noticed he was acting weird. It was nothing I could put my finger on, but it put me on edge just the same. And now, just now, I figured out what it was." "I don't see what this has to do with-" "It was you, princess. You were watching me through his eyes, listening to me through his ears, making him interrogate me and watch me intently. That's why he was acting like two different people; because he really was two different people." "That's preposterous!" Celestia yelled. "How dare you accuse me of such behavior!" "Preposterous, is it? Well, your highness, I notice that you don't actually say I'm wrong. Prove me wrong." "These are outrageous claims you make! If you say another word on the subject I'll have you thrown in the dungeon until you've learned to respect your superiors!" "It's a very simple question, Celestia. Have you, or have you not, been taking over Spike's body so that you could spy on me?" "...and that's how I got thrown in this dungeon," I told the rat who had been listening to my story. "Any questions?" *squeak* *squeak* "Yes, I'm going to finish my bread!" Author's Note Inspired by Equestrian Life The scene where Discord shows up."I'm afraid we don't have much time," Celestia said. "Bring the Element bearers here." A familiar voice chuckled. "Oh, my dear Celestia. I'm afraid it's far too late for that." "Discord!" Celestia yelled. "Show yourself!" "But of course, mon ami." In the blink of an eye Discord appeared in the middle of the courtyard. "The one, the only, Discord!" he announced to the entire room. Then he appeared in front of me wearing a cheesy grin and said, "By the way, kid, thank you for helping free me from that cursed statue. I never would have escaped without your help!" I smiled. "Discord, my main man!" I said, "Give me some lovin'," and held my fist up for a fist-bump. Discord laughed and bumped my fist with his own. "I love this kid!" he yelled. Before he could turn his attention elsewhere I said, "Now Discord, Celestia's been a right prick to me ever since I've got here. Could you do me a favor and wreck her shit?" Twilight's eyes became mere pinpricks in shock, and Discord laughed his ass off. "Wellllll," he said, "it would be a little out of my way. I mean, it's not like I was planning on doing exactly that or anything, buuuuuut... for you, my favorite interdimensional jailbreaker, I suppose I could do it. But only because you asked me nicely." He turned to Celestia and said, "You see? It's amazing what you can do with a polite request." Celestia's eyes narrowed at Discord. "I won't let you have your way!" she yelled. "I will stop you, no matter what it takes!" Celestia's horn glowed with a brilliant white aura. A white-hot beam of light shot from her horn, striking Discord dead-center. Discord writhed in pain. "Oooh!" he yelled. "Augh! Ow! Stop it, ooh, stop it! Oh, that tickles, Celestia!" He cackled, then slurped up the beam of energy like it was a long spaghetti noodle. He belched once and a small puff of smoke escaped his mouth. "Ooh, that's a spicy meatball!" he said saucily. Celestia stared at him in shock. She charged her horn again. Discord was suddenly wearing a baseball jersey and hefting a baseball bat. "Hey, batter, batter," he chanted. Then Celestia turned her head to face me and released the energy. This happened too fast for me to react to it. This is probably a good thing, because if I had been able to react, and if I had died because of her attack, my last words would probably have been "holy shit!" As last words go, I'd like to think I can do better. Fortunately for me, the energy release was not too fast for Discord to respond to. He swung his baseball bat and cried, "Swing, batter!" Celestia's attack ricocheted off his bat and punched a hole in the ceiling. "It's going, it's going, it's gone!" Discord yelled. I turned to Discord. "Give me a power-up." "What?" "That bitch just tried to kill me. Give me a fucking power-up." "I don't think you understand-" "I was summoned here because of earthed Chaos energy. That means I should be compatible." I reached over and grabbed Discord's arm. "Now give me a fucking power-up!" My entire world was pain. My right arm felt like it had been dunked in red-hot lava while being stung by bees. I collapsed to the floor, writhing in agony. I heard Twilight yell, "What did you do?!" "I gave him what he asked for," Discord responded. "It's not my fault if he can't handle it." The pain subsided and I looked at my right arm. It was now covered with black chitin. My fingernails were gone. Instead, each black, shelled finger now ended in a sharp point. "You're welcome," Discord said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a kingdom to overturn. Tah-tah!" With that, Discord snapped his fingers and vanished. I got to my feet, then focused on a nearby potted plant and snapped my fingers. *snap!* The plant was now a small, confused-looking trout. *snap!* *snap!* *snap!* *snap!* The trout briefly became a flamingo, a potted cactus, and a ball of yarn, before returning to its original form of a potted plant. Celestia looked distinctly uncomfortable. I faced her and held my chaos-infused arm between us, my fingers ready to snap at a moment's notice. "Now Celestia," I said, "Let's talk." Author's Note Inspired by Equestrian Life Also, chitin is pronounced "kite, in." I couldn't resist. ;)Author's Note Inspired by Over The Hills and Far Away I couldn't resist. ;) Twilight, Fluttershy and Phil walked together towards Twilight's library treehouse. "Are you sure it's safe for me to be in Ponyville?" Phil asked. "That's still a stupid name for a town, by the way." "I'm sure it's fine," Twilight responded. "After all, your power only activates when you get splashed with water." The three turned the corner and stopped dead in the street. In front of them was a large raised platform that took up what would normally have been an empty field. On this platform was a human male, putting on some sort of performance for the large crowd of mares that had stopped to watch him. "I thought you said you'd never seen a human before!" Phil yelled, outraged. "I haven't!" Twilight exclaimed, equally shocked. "I have no idea who this is or where he came from!" The stranger noticed Phil and his friends. "Excellent!" the stranger cried, dragging Phil onto the platform with him. "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our newest arrival to Ponyville: Phil!" The crowd cheered, and Phil blushed a little. Phil waved and said, "hello," weakly. "Isn't he great, folks? This is a perfect example of a human from a backwater, unimportant planet called Earth." "Hey!" Phil yelled to object. "That planet is so amazingly primitive," the stranger continued, as if he hadn't heard Phil, "that it still thought cellular phones were a good idea." "Hey!" Phil yelled louder than before, upset by the stranger's callous disregard for his species. "He is, to quote a certain intergalactic guide, mostly harmless. However, there's one thing you must never ever do." The stranger leaned over and grabbed a heavy bucket that sloshed as he moved. "You must never, ever, do this!" With that, he dumped a bucket of water over Phil's head. "Augh!" Phil yelled in shock. "Cold! Cold water!" Phil shook the water off as best he could. "What the hell did you do that... for... " Phil trailed off as he realized that every single mare in the audience was now looking at him in crazy adoration. They slowly started moving towards him. "Uh-oh." Phil addressed the smirking human without taking his eyes off the slowly-advancing throng of ponies. "I hate you more than I have ever hated anyone in my entire life," Phil said. "That's great," the stranger responded facetiously, still smirking, "but you should probably start running." Phil took the stranger's advice and bolted back the way he had came, followed shortly by a stampeding mob of love-struck ponies. HandsAuthor's Note I couldn't help but wonder how Hands would have gone if the main character didn't have any sexual hang-ups. I'm guessing something like this: Hands Fluttershy and Twilight were in the library with me, and Twilight had just asked me if I could give her a massage. ...and other things. I sighed. "I'm sorry Twilight, but it would just be weird. You're cute, but I don't think I'd be able to get over the fact that you aren't a human." "Well, what if I were a human?" I chuckled. "Well, that would be nice, but unfortunately..." Then I remembered I was dealing with Twilight Sparkle, one of the strongest magic-users in Equestria. I asked her, "Are you saying you can you turn yourself into a human?" Twilight's horn briefly flared a bright purple light. When the afterimages had died down, Twilight was gone and a naked purple teenage girl was standing in her place. I stared at her. "Twilight?" I asked hesitantly. "Is that you?" The girl giggled. "Yup," she said. "Fluttershy," I said, not breaking looking away from Twilight, "you might want to leave now. Things are about to get freaky up in this treehouse." I walked up to Twilight, wrapped one arm around her waist and pulled her in towards me. With my other hand grasped her hair at the base of the neck and firmly but gently pulled downwards. Twilight moaned. I gently bit her neck, causing her to moan some more. I heard Fluttershy mumble something, but I honestly couldn't tell you what she had said. There was a naked, attractive female who wanted me as badly as I wanted her, and I would have her. So I did. As I later found out, Fluttershy watched. Go straight to Celestia. Do not pass Go, do not spend three years in complete misery.Go straight to Celestia. Do not pass Go, do not spend three years in complete misery. Celestia and I stood around a shallow pool of water on the ground, contained by a large obsidian saucer. "Are you sure you want to do this?" she asked. I nodded. "I honestly doubt you'll believe what I have to say any other way. Please, cast the spell." Celestia's horn glowed and I felt a mild pressure in the back of my mind. The black reflection in the pool became a moving image of me leaving the train station and arriving in Ponyville. The image and sounds played out exactly as I remember: Pinkie Pie assaulting me under the pretense of "joking around" and repeatedly knocking me flat to the ground, Rainbow Dash kicking extremely painful lightning bolts at me from storm clouds at random intervals, Twilight kicking me out of the library and refusing to discuss it (and then instructing Spike to set me on fire when I wasn't leaving fast enough for her tastes), Applejack yelling at me to "git outta town, we don't want your kind here," and Rarity calling me a "boorish, unkempt, repulsive brute" and literally kicking me out of her store. With every injustice that Celestia watched she became angrier and angrier. Eventually the images ended and the pressure on my mind eased. Celestia was livid, and the look on her face could have boiled water at thirty paces. She stormed out of the room without a word to me, yelling for her royal chariot. Celestia didn't give me any instructions, so I decided to stick around the castle and catch some sleep in the guest chambers. Watching jerks get their well-deserved punishment is great and all, but it was getting late and I needed to get some rest. Celestia could take care of the problem herself, and I'd hear about it once she calmed down. I almost felt sorry for whatever royal whoopass those ponies were about to get from the Princess, but then I remembered the shit they put me though and thought, "fuck 'em". Author's Note This story is based on Ending, by MisterBlonde. The main character received a cordial reception from Celestia, one of the two rulers of Equestria, and yet somehow he never thought to go back to Celestia and report the horrible treatment he received. If you want to actually see Celestia chewing out the ponies for their wrongdoing, read How many friends have you made today?! by Sarcastic Brony. I didn't go down this road with this mini-story because it really doesn't make sense to me to get upset at characters for doing exactly what I, as the author, made them do. Cuddles!Author's Note This one's inspired by I'm gonna cuddle you. And you're gonna enjoy it! Cuddles! Twilight advanced on Jamie. "I will cuddle you, and you will like it!" she said emphatically. Jamie shrugged. "Okay," he said. "Wait, just like that?" "Yup." "You aren't going to try to run away from me?" "Why would I? Cuddles are awesome." Twilight made a high-pitched squeal. "EEEEEEEEE!" Jamie wrapped his arm around her and held her close. He could feel her warmth. Twilight sighed as she snuggled against Jamie and let her body just relax. Then Twilight exploded in Jamie's arms with a loud "pop!" noise. "Wha- What?!" Jamie yelled inarticulately. Pinkie Pie wandered by. "And that is why you never snuggle with ponies," she said. "They get over-full of snuggles and explode." Pinkie Pie nodded sagely and wandered off. "WHAT?!"
Rainbow Dash Gets SpankedAuthor's Note Inspired by Equestrian Life Rainbow Dash Gets Spanked "Stop right there!" came the voice of Rainbow Dash. I did not want to deal with her right then, so I kept walking in the hopes that if I ignored her she might leave me alone. I know, I know. Fat chance. "I said, 'stop!'" she yelled, and almost immediately tackled me to the ground. I threw both hands in front of myself to cushion the fall and wound up with a face full of dirt and a skinned hand that throbbed painfully. Rainbow Dash sat on top of me, holding me to the ground with her body weight. I turned my head sideways and spat a few times to clear the dirt of out my mouth. "Rainbow Dash," I said through gritted teeth, "you have exactly three seconds to get off of me before I put you over my knee and spank you like an unwanted stepchild!" There was a shocked silence, then Rainbow Dash replied, "I don't know who you think you're talking to, but no pony talks to me like that and gets away with it!" "All right, that's it!" I exclaimed. I pushed myself to my feet and threw her off my back in one fluid movement. Before she could react I grabbed her and carried her. She kicked and yelled, but she couldn't get away from me. I had two younger brothers back home with whom I wrestled all the time. Compared to them, Rainbow Dash's efforts were strictly amateur. The only thing I needed to watch out for were her wings, but I managed to get around them and hold her long enough to carry her to a nearby stump. I sat upon it and dropped her so that her front hooves were on one side of my legs, her rear hooves were to the other side of my legs, and her stomach was propped up by my legs themselves. This meant her wing kept battering me in the face, but I could ignore that. Once she was positioned properly, I slapped her rump hard. I was rather thankful that no other ponies were around. I'd have spanked her even if there were, but I preferred not having to humiliate her in front of others. As I spanked her, Rainbow Dash yelled. Then she started shrieking. Then, in an unexpected turn of events, she started sobbing. She tried to twist out of the way but I held her in place. I hadn't slapped her rump more than a half-dozen times, but she was blubbering incoherently. I raised my hand for one last spank when she cried, "I'm sorry, daddy! I'm sorry!" I froze, my hand still in the air. Holy. Shit. I sat there awkwardly, a sobbing Rainbow Dash still propped on my thighs. I had wanted to teach her a lesson, but I hadn't meant to break her like that. I wasn't sure how to handle the situation. What would be appropriate? If I tried to comfort her, would that just make things worse? I wanted to fix this, but I wasn't sure how. Then Rainbow Dash did something that made it very easy for me to decide: even as she continued sobbing quietly she pulled her legs up and shifted her body to lie completely on my lap. As she did so she pressed her body against mine. It was pretty obvious that she wanted comfort and reassurance. So I gave it to her. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around her. I pulled her close to me and held her there carefully. Then I softly said the one thing she wanted to hear. "I forgive you." Rainbow Dash started crying loudly again and wrapped her front hooves around my sides. Her tear-streaked face pressed into my chest. I held her and rubbed her fur, murmuring "it's okay" over and over until her tears subsided.
"Why are you here?""Why are you here?" Celestia asked. "Um, I'm here because you instructed me to come here." "No, here here. Why are you in Equestria?" Alarm bells started ringing in my head. Celestia had plenty of things she could have asked me, but this was the first question she chose to ask. It was also, word for word, what Spike had asked me the first time I talked to him. I said, "You know, princess, it's funny you should ask me that. You see, when I first arrived at Twilight's library, Spike asked me the same thing. He used the exact same words and everything. And then, immediately after I answered his question, it was like a switch was flipped in his subconscious from 'suspicious and paranoid' to 'warm and friendly'. It was like he was two different people. Isn't that funny? And then, over the course of the day, I noticed he was acting weird. It was nothing I could put my finger on, but it put me on edge just the same. And now, just now, I figured out what it was." "I don't see what this has to do with-" "It was you, princess. You were watching me through his eyes, listening to me through his ears, making him interrogate me and watch me intently. That's why he was acting like two different people; because he really was two different people." "That's preposterous!" Celestia yelled. "How dare you accuse me of such behavior!" "Preposterous, is it? Well, your highness, I notice that you don't actually say I'm wrong. Prove me wrong." "These are outrageous claims you make! If you say another word on the subject I'll have you thrown in the dungeon until you've learned to respect your superiors!" "It's a very simple question, Celestia. Have you, or have you not, been taking over Spike's body so that you could spy on me?" "...and that's how I got thrown in this dungeon," I told the rat who had been listening to my story. "Any questions?" *squeak* *squeak* "Yes, I'm going to finish my bread!" Author's Note Inspired by Equestrian Life
The scene where Discord shows up."I'm afraid we don't have much time," Celestia said. "Bring the Element bearers here." A familiar voice chuckled. "Oh, my dear Celestia. I'm afraid it's far too late for that." "Discord!" Celestia yelled. "Show yourself!" "But of course, mon ami." In the blink of an eye Discord appeared in the middle of the courtyard. "The one, the only, Discord!" he announced to the entire room. Then he appeared in front of me wearing a cheesy grin and said, "By the way, kid, thank you for helping free me from that cursed statue. I never would have escaped without your help!" I smiled. "Discord, my main man!" I said, "Give me some lovin'," and held my fist up for a fist-bump. Discord laughed and bumped my fist with his own. "I love this kid!" he yelled. Before he could turn his attention elsewhere I said, "Now Discord, Celestia's been a right prick to me ever since I've got here. Could you do me a favor and wreck her shit?" Twilight's eyes became mere pinpricks in shock, and Discord laughed his ass off. "Wellllll," he said, "it would be a little out of my way. I mean, it's not like I was planning on doing exactly that or anything, buuuuuut... for you, my favorite interdimensional jailbreaker, I suppose I could do it. But only because you asked me nicely." He turned to Celestia and said, "You see? It's amazing what you can do with a polite request." Celestia's eyes narrowed at Discord. "I won't let you have your way!" she yelled. "I will stop you, no matter what it takes!" Celestia's horn glowed with a brilliant white aura. A white-hot beam of light shot from her horn, striking Discord dead-center. Discord writhed in pain. "Oooh!" he yelled. "Augh! Ow! Stop it, ooh, stop it! Oh, that tickles, Celestia!" He cackled, then slurped up the beam of energy like it was a long spaghetti noodle. He belched once and a small puff of smoke escaped his mouth. "Ooh, that's a spicy meatball!" he said saucily. Celestia stared at him in shock. She charged her horn again. Discord was suddenly wearing a baseball jersey and hefting a baseball bat. "Hey, batter, batter," he chanted. Then Celestia turned her head to face me and released the energy. This happened too fast for me to react to it. This is probably a good thing, because if I had been able to react, and if I had died because of her attack, my last words would probably have been "holy shit!" As last words go, I'd like to think I can do better. Fortunately for me, the energy release was not too fast for Discord to respond to. He swung his baseball bat and cried, "Swing, batter!" Celestia's attack ricocheted off his bat and punched a hole in the ceiling. "It's going, it's going, it's gone!" Discord yelled. I turned to Discord. "Give me a power-up." "What?" "That bitch just tried to kill me. Give me a fucking power-up." "I don't think you understand-" "I was summoned here because of earthed Chaos energy. That means I should be compatible." I reached over and grabbed Discord's arm. "Now give me a fucking power-up!" My entire world was pain. My right arm felt like it had been dunked in red-hot lava while being stung by bees. I collapsed to the floor, writhing in agony. I heard Twilight yell, "What did you do?!" "I gave him what he asked for," Discord responded. "It's not my fault if he can't handle it." The pain subsided and I looked at my right arm. It was now covered with black chitin. My fingernails were gone. Instead, each black, shelled finger now ended in a sharp point. "You're welcome," Discord said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a kingdom to overturn. Tah-tah!" With that, Discord snapped his fingers and vanished. I got to my feet, then focused on a nearby potted plant and snapped my fingers. *snap!* The plant was now a small, confused-looking trout. *snap!* *snap!* *snap!* *snap!* The trout briefly became a flamingo, a potted cactus, and a ball of yarn, before returning to its original form of a potted plant. Celestia looked distinctly uncomfortable. I faced her and held my chaos-infused arm between us, my fingers ready to snap at a moment's notice. "Now Celestia," I said, "Let's talk." Author's Note Inspired by Equestrian Life Also, chitin is pronounced "kite, in."
I couldn't resist. ;)Author's Note Inspired by Over The Hills and Far Away I couldn't resist. ;) Twilight, Fluttershy and Phil walked together towards Twilight's library treehouse. "Are you sure it's safe for me to be in Ponyville?" Phil asked. "That's still a stupid name for a town, by the way." "I'm sure it's fine," Twilight responded. "After all, your power only activates when you get splashed with water." The three turned the corner and stopped dead in the street. In front of them was a large raised platform that took up what would normally have been an empty field. On this platform was a human male, putting on some sort of performance for the large crowd of mares that had stopped to watch him. "I thought you said you'd never seen a human before!" Phil yelled, outraged. "I haven't!" Twilight exclaimed, equally shocked. "I have no idea who this is or where he came from!" The stranger noticed Phil and his friends. "Excellent!" the stranger cried, dragging Phil onto the platform with him. "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our newest arrival to Ponyville: Phil!" The crowd cheered, and Phil blushed a little. Phil waved and said, "hello," weakly. "Isn't he great, folks? This is a perfect example of a human from a backwater, unimportant planet called Earth." "Hey!" Phil yelled to object. "That planet is so amazingly primitive," the stranger continued, as if he hadn't heard Phil, "that it still thought cellular phones were a good idea." "Hey!" Phil yelled louder than before, upset by the stranger's callous disregard for his species. "He is, to quote a certain intergalactic guide, mostly harmless. However, there's one thing you must never ever do." The stranger leaned over and grabbed a heavy bucket that sloshed as he moved. "You must never, ever, do this!" With that, he dumped a bucket of water over Phil's head. "Augh!" Phil yelled in shock. "Cold! Cold water!" Phil shook the water off as best he could. "What the hell did you do that... for... " Phil trailed off as he realized that every single mare in the audience was now looking at him in crazy adoration. They slowly started moving towards him. "Uh-oh." Phil addressed the smirking human without taking his eyes off the slowly-advancing throng of ponies. "I hate you more than I have ever hated anyone in my entire life," Phil said. "That's great," the stranger responded facetiously, still smirking, "but you should probably start running." Phil took the stranger's advice and bolted back the way he had came, followed shortly by a stampeding mob of love-struck ponies.
HandsAuthor's Note I couldn't help but wonder how Hands would have gone if the main character didn't have any sexual hang-ups. I'm guessing something like this: Hands Fluttershy and Twilight were in the library with me, and Twilight had just asked me if I could give her a massage. ...and other things. I sighed. "I'm sorry Twilight, but it would just be weird. You're cute, but I don't think I'd be able to get over the fact that you aren't a human." "Well, what if I were a human?" I chuckled. "Well, that would be nice, but unfortunately..." Then I remembered I was dealing with Twilight Sparkle, one of the strongest magic-users in Equestria. I asked her, "Are you saying you can you turn yourself into a human?" Twilight's horn briefly flared a bright purple light. When the afterimages had died down, Twilight was gone and a naked purple teenage girl was standing in her place. I stared at her. "Twilight?" I asked hesitantly. "Is that you?" The girl giggled. "Yup," she said. "Fluttershy," I said, not breaking looking away from Twilight, "you might want to leave now. Things are about to get freaky up in this treehouse." I walked up to Twilight, wrapped one arm around her waist and pulled her in towards me. With my other hand grasped her hair at the base of the neck and firmly but gently pulled downwards. Twilight moaned. I gently bit her neck, causing her to moan some more. I heard Fluttershy mumble something, but I honestly couldn't tell you what she had said. There was a naked, attractive female who wanted me as badly as I wanted her, and I would have her. So I did. As I later found out, Fluttershy watched.
Go straight to Celestia. Do not pass Go, do not spend three years in complete misery.Go straight to Celestia. Do not pass Go, do not spend three years in complete misery. Celestia and I stood around a shallow pool of water on the ground, contained by a large obsidian saucer. "Are you sure you want to do this?" she asked. I nodded. "I honestly doubt you'll believe what I have to say any other way. Please, cast the spell." Celestia's horn glowed and I felt a mild pressure in the back of my mind. The black reflection in the pool became a moving image of me leaving the train station and arriving in Ponyville. The image and sounds played out exactly as I remember: Pinkie Pie assaulting me under the pretense of "joking around" and repeatedly knocking me flat to the ground, Rainbow Dash kicking extremely painful lightning bolts at me from storm clouds at random intervals, Twilight kicking me out of the library and refusing to discuss it (and then instructing Spike to set me on fire when I wasn't leaving fast enough for her tastes), Applejack yelling at me to "git outta town, we don't want your kind here," and Rarity calling me a "boorish, unkempt, repulsive brute" and literally kicking me out of her store. With every injustice that Celestia watched she became angrier and angrier. Eventually the images ended and the pressure on my mind eased. Celestia was livid, and the look on her face could have boiled water at thirty paces. She stormed out of the room without a word to me, yelling for her royal chariot. Celestia didn't give me any instructions, so I decided to stick around the castle and catch some sleep in the guest chambers. Watching jerks get their well-deserved punishment is great and all, but it was getting late and I needed to get some rest. Celestia could take care of the problem herself, and I'd hear about it once she calmed down. I almost felt sorry for whatever royal whoopass those ponies were about to get from the Princess, but then I remembered the shit they put me though and thought, "fuck 'em". Author's Note This story is based on Ending, by MisterBlonde. The main character received a cordial reception from Celestia, one of the two rulers of Equestria, and yet somehow he never thought to go back to Celestia and report the horrible treatment he received. If you want to actually see Celestia chewing out the ponies for their wrongdoing, read How many friends have you made today?! by Sarcastic Brony. I didn't go down this road with this mini-story because it really doesn't make sense to me to get upset at characters for doing exactly what I, as the author, made them do.
Cuddles!Author's Note This one's inspired by I'm gonna cuddle you. And you're gonna enjoy it! Cuddles! Twilight advanced on Jamie. "I will cuddle you, and you will like it!" she said emphatically. Jamie shrugged. "Okay," he said. "Wait, just like that?" "Yup." "You aren't going to try to run away from me?" "Why would I? Cuddles are awesome." Twilight made a high-pitched squeal. "EEEEEEEEE!" Jamie wrapped his arm around her and held her close. He could feel her warmth. Twilight sighed as she snuggled against Jamie and let her body just relax. Then Twilight exploded in Jamie's arms with a loud "pop!" noise. "Wha- What?!" Jamie yelled inarticulately. Pinkie Pie wandered by. "And that is why you never snuggle with ponies," she said. "They get over-full of snuggles and explode." Pinkie Pie nodded sagely and wandered off. "WHAT?!"
