A little dress poker

by Jeweled Pen

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, DJ P0N-3, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Shining Armor
Length: 6254

What happens when a DJ, captain of the royal guard and a lunar guard have too much to drink and a deck of cards? Broken memories and massive head aches.

What happens when a DJ, captain of the royal guard and a lunar guard have too much to drink and a deck of cards? Games of dress up poker. How can such events be explained to their respective significant others or commanding officers? Read and find out.
Image by Silfoe. Again. :P

Published 2014-11-24 05:40:09 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-24 05:40:09 UTC

Morning after

When one slumbers, they are often transported to a gentle, soothing place. A land of imagination, warmth, comfort. Snuggly wrapped in their blankets, they can often times ignore their biggest problems or even find out they were far, far smaller than originally thought. However, being in such a gentle, soft place can make it rather startling if one is awoken in a manner that is far from warm or loving.

For example, waking up to the harsh, biting laughter of your lover as she struggles, in vain, not to awake you.

A white unicorn slowly opened her eyes. They were red and bloodshot. She felt like she'd just been ran over by a carriage, doused in apple cider and then thrown under a stampede of bouncing baby bunnies. Then most of those bunnies had burrowed into her head and were now playing kick the can with her brain.

It didn't help that across the room, a gray earth pony with a dark gray mane was staring at her with a hoof over her lips, trying to contain the laughter that billowed out of her like a hydrant.

The mare sat up, her eyes going wide. “Octavia? What's so funny? Is it my mane? Did I shave my mane?!” She poked it a few times and it... actually, it felt fine. No, wait. It felt... smooth. Silky. Straight. Organized! There were no sharp edges or knots.

“O-oh... V-vinyl. You... you should see yourself. It's... it's finally happened...” Octavia said, laughing so hard tears were in her eyes. She motioned to the mirror across the room.

Vinyl groaned. She didn't want to move, she felt as if her insides had been replaced with gravel. However, fear pushed her forward. Octavia was LAUGHING! That was a rare occurrence. One she'd normally love, but laughing like this when she hadn't performed any of her witty antics? Unthinkable. She pulled herself to the mirror and stared. Then her mouth fell open and she stared some more. Then she screamed. Then she fell over, clutched her head and screamed for an entirely different reason. That scream soon devolved into soft, pained whimpers.

“I made you some coffee,” Octavia finally said when she managed to regain her composure. “A-are... are you well? Hee hee.”

“It... no... how...” Vinyl slowly climbed back up to the mirror and stared into it. She saw the coffee on the desk besides it, but that didn't matter to her now. All that mattered to her was the face that stared back.

She was in a suit. A prim and proper suit. Tie and all. She wore glasses. They were... clear. See through. They went well with her eyes. But no, that wasn't the worst. The worst was her mane. Her mane was combed back. Straight and proper, as if she was some kind of... some kind of business mare. It was also brown. A soft, gentle brown. She had dyed her mane. She looked like a business mare. A respectable business mare. The kind you'd see on any street. She screamed and ran to the bathroom, jumping into the shower and turning on the water, ice cold. “Wash out, WASH OUT!”

Waking up to harsh, biting laughter can truly be a crushing way to awaken. Especially when you're already suffering from a headache that could shatter cement. However, in some ways waking to a much softer, almost pitying laugh can be far, far worse. Especially when it is from your lovely wife.

A large white stallion, with a multi-colored blue mane, slowly opened his eyes with a groan. He felt as if a marching band had ran over him a few times in the night, using his head as the drum the entire time. “W-what is it?” he asked softly.

“S-shining, did you have fun last night?” a pink alicorn, with a multi-colored white-to-purple mane asked. “Anything you'd... like to tell me?”

“Never... drinking again...” he said with a groan as he buried his head in the pillow. “Never... again.”

“Oh, I wouldn't be surprised. Did... you sleep in those?”

“Huh?” He slowly looked down. After a few moments he shot up, cringing as the sudden movement sent pain coursing through his head. He held up his hooves, his mouth gaping in shock.

He was wearing long, silky pink socks and golden slippers. Even worse, he recognized them as his wife's pink slippers. “I... I have no idea how... I didn't...”

“Oh, t-there's more than that...” Cadence said with a giggle before her horn started to glow. “I've... had Auntie Celestia informed you'll be a little... late today.” A mirror flew down in front of him. He stared, and shrieked.

He was wearing the knee high socks, that he could live with. The dainty little shoes were awful, but still fine. The problem was that he was wearing his wife's full regalia, crown and necklace all. His mane and tail were also done up. They were still short, but silky and smooth, ending in a long curl at the end. Like Cadence's.

Shining collapsed onto the bed, his eyes wide with horror. “W-who... who saw me? My life is over. I... I can't be the captain of the guard any more. I can't even be a member of the guard. I can't even be a pony any more. Banish me, you're a princess. Send me away! Far away! Into a deep, dark prison in the place I am banished!” He paused for a moment. “Not... in your regalia. Obviously.”

Cadence snickered and shook her head. “Now Shining, you're over reacting. None of your guards have seen you.” She let out a nervous cough. “I... made extra care of that. I've kept the doors locked and been the only one in and out since I found you. Look, I brought coffee.” She held out a thermos in her magic.

“Why didn't you wake me immediately?”

“You just looked so adorable in your cute little socks.” She cringed as he buried his head into the pillow. She gently reached out and rubbed his back. “There there, it's going to be okay.”

Laughter tends not to be a nice way to awake from such a comfortable, pleasant sleep. However, there are far, far, far, FAR worse ways to wake up. One white pegasus, with a multi-colored blue mane, discovered them as he nuzzled closely into the soft, luxurious cloud that was his bed. It was so warm and comfortable, nothing like the hard bunk he was used to.

Though, the pounding in his head made it all the worse. He really should have brought a water bottle with him. He also really had to pee. Quite another excuse to bring a water bottle. Leaving this perfect cloud was purely out of the question.

He then realized the pounding in his head wasn't the only pounding. He heard the sounds of horseshoes against stone floors. Coming closer. Surrounding him even. His eyes slowly opened and he realized his greatest worries were no longer a drink of water or if he had to pee.

He stared up into the eyes of a rather angry looking pegasus wearing dark blue armor, which included covering his wings to make them look like bat wings. Members of the lunar guard. “Angelos?”

“Y-yes?” the stallion squeaked softly as he looked around. He couldn't identify the room for a few moments, but then it dawned on him as the color drained from his face. Round. Very dark. Pictures of the moon. The night sky seemed magicked onto the roof. The telescope by the balcony. He then looked down at the very large, very soft dark purple bed he had been sleeping in. Princess Luna's bed.

“You're under arrest for attempted assassination of the crown. Via feather duster.”

“W-what?” Angelos said, before looking down at himself. He was wearing short, black heels and a matching black lace maids outfit. With a rather skimpy skirt. In his hoof was a large, poofy feather duster. “I... I didn't. I wouldn't. T-there's some sort of mistake! I-I can... I-I can explain.” He swore he heard a snort from behind him, but when he turned the ponies on the other end of the bed just stared at him with the same steely gaze. He whimpered and turned back to his accuser.

“You'll have plenty of time to tell your story soon enough, criminal. Before we haul you off, do you have anything to say?”

He gulped nervously and nodded. “Can... can I use the rest room first?”

Vinyl groaned as she sipped of the sweet nectar of life. Coffee. It all came in a cute little mug with a little kitty on the side and, right now, she had to agree with it. She hated mondays. Even though it was technically saturday. But mondays sucked anyway. She gently put the mug down and gazed at her breakfast. Toast, hay bacon and a muffin. It didn't look very appetizing, but this was hardly her first rodeo, so she slowly downed it. “Never again...”

“Uh huh,” Octavia said with a roll of her eyes as she sipped her own coffee. “Your hair looks... nicer.”

It had taken far more effort than Vinyl liked, as well as a few magics she never thought she could do in such a state, but her hair was now, mostly, back to its original multi-colored blue awesomeness. Whatever dye she'd used hadn't been very strong and would have probably washed out on its own in a couple of days, but she did not want to wait.

“So... what exactly happened last night? I thought you were just going out to have some fun. Then I wake up next to...” Octavia paused. “You know what? You're still feeling badly. I'll let that joke pass.”

Vinyl rolled her eyes, before taking a bite of toast. At least it helped settle her stomach. “I... can hardly remember. Club closed down early, I still had some fun in me. I head to the bar and just... okay, you won't believe this. It was like fate or something. There they were, the perfect marks.”

Octavia rolled her eyes. “Oh? Perfect how? Should I be jealous?” She chuckled a little. “I do hope you weren't cheating on me last night.”

“What? No! They were stallions. But get this...” Vinyl grinned wickedly. “Guards. A royal and lunar guard. I mean, come on. Best of all?” She tapped her hair. “Multi-shaded hair. Just like yours truly. It was fate.”

“Mmmm hmmm,” Octavia muttered before taking another sip of her coffee. “And the fact you'd have two guards, drunk, assisting you in whatever minor crimes you committed in the night would protect you from being arrested?” She paused. “Again?”

“Wait, really? Does the law work like that?”

“No...”

“Awwww. Well, no. But seriously, all of us had the multi-awesome cool blue hair. How could I NOT take this fateful encounter? So I got us plastered.”

Octavia groaned.

Shining groaned as he slowly drank the coffee from the thermos, resting his head against the bed post. The drink helped to wake him up, though a nearby bottle of water soon replaced it before he nibbled a piece of toast his wife had brought for him. Normally she loathed him eating in bed, but he was having a very bad morning and she knew he needed comfort. He'd managed to remove the outfit, but his mane was being most resilient and refused to uncurl.

“I don't know how, but if I ever find those two I will tear them apart with my bare hooves,” the stallion groaned as he shook his head.

“Who?”

“The... lunar guard and whoever that mare was. She was some kind of musician. Ugh, I don't know. The guard was fawning all over her.”

She sighed and slowly nodded. “So, what exactly happened, anyway?”

He took another bite of his toast, before setting it aside. “I... the bar. I remember now. I went out with some of the guys. You know, chatting, talking. We were off for the night, going to play some games of cards. You know, go fish, old maid, the good stuff.”

Cadence hmphed.

“Old maid is a great game,” Shining said before leaning over and giving her a little nuzzle. “I know that novelty deck kind of annoyed you, but it was our wedding...”

“But why did they have to have me be the old maid? It's just not fair!” Cadence said with a stomp of her hoof, before sighing. “But fine, go on.”

He smiled and gave a swift nod. “So we were playing the games. Ironhorn even brought some of those candy cigars and we were having a great time.” His face darkened. “Then Copperhooves came running in. He'd headed off to the bathroom a few minutes before and took his sweet time getting back. Turns out he met some mares new to town.” He rolled his eyes. “Should have seen them, giving me the puppy dog eyes, even going as far as jutting out their lips while pouting. I gave them an exasperated sigh and roll of the head, but I let them go.” Shining gave her a soft smile. “After all, I found the love of my life, how could I deny them the chance to find the same happiness?”

Cadence smiled and leaned in, giving him a little kiss on the cheek. “You can be as charming as you like, but not a single kiss on the lips until you brush your teeth. Toast is not strong enough to cover up that smell.”

He deflated before nodding. He took another bite of his toast, swallowed and glanced down at the floor. “Then... everything went south. I was looking forward to my boys night out, then they just up and abandon me. So I decided to get a drink... that's when the guard came up.” He shivered.

“Guard?”

“Yeah. One of Luna's guards. Apparently I used to work with him, before I became captain and the lunar guard was established. He was going off about having known my sister, apparently something about a book avalanche or something.”

“Book avalanche?”

“Yeah. Said he was a survivor, whatever that means. Name was... Angie... or something.”

“Angelos, wait. You knew the captain and his sister? You SURVIVED the Great Restricted Bookalanche of '62?” the lunar pony sitting across from the pegasus asked, his mouth open in shock. The guards guarding the door made holy signs over their chests, before lowering their heads for a moment of silence.

“Yes, I was there,” Angelos said darkly, his eyes growing haunted as he gazed into the black emptiness of his coffee. He could still remember it. The screams. The horror. The yelling of one little unicorn. 'No, no, I can put it away on my own! I know magic!' Then the end. Over fifty royal guards tossing in their badges. He still woke up with the nightmares. “I was in the library when it happened. I can still hear the rumble some nights, look up at... and...” He shivered, biting a hoof as he tried to regain his composure.

“Take all the time you need,” his questioner said. “I only wish we had something stronger to give you than coffee.”

“I-it's fine...” Angelos mumbled as he stared down into it. He had been brought into one of the back rooms for questioning. The only thing the room held was the table, a pair of chairs, the light dangling from above and the mirror that was totally not one way glass. They'd been kind enough to let him pee, but hadn't given him any time to change out of the ridiculous outfit. He'd almost just tossed it on the floor, but he had no idea where it came from. What if he'd borrowed it? Or worse, rented it? Any damages he caused could come out of his hide. So instead he just sat and stared into his coffee, trying to repeat the acts of the previous night while trying not to lose the contents of his stomach from stress. He took a deep breath and then nodded. “Okay... I think I'm ready to continue.”

“Very well, what happened next?”

“Well, I saw the captain of the royal guards there and well... he looked a bit upset. I hadn't had a chance to speak with him much since I'd joined the lunar guards. Well, speak with him at all, honestly. Then again, I guess he is a captain, I'm just a low rank soldier. We don't exactly walk in the same circles.”

“Please continue with the story, not your complaints.”

“Huh? Oh, right. Yes. So... I saw him there ordering an apple martini. I decided to walk up and congratulate him. He... didn't recognize me at first. So I told him I used to work with him years ago, back when there wasn't a lunar guard. Sometimes I'd help keep watch of his sister when she went into restricted areas of the library.” He paused for a moment. “Actually almost got eaten by a book once. But... that was long ago. I still don't think he knew who I was. But, he invited me to drink with him. Then... well, a few drinks later. Everything happened.”

“So, there I am, watching these two,” Vinyl said through a mouthful of toast. “I mean, how many other ponies have blue streaked hair? Sure, it wasn't as awesome as mine, but I just couldn't pass this up. Their drinking together so I walk up, take a seat. You won't believe what happens next.”

“What?” Octavia asked, glancing up from her coffee with a look of amusement.

“The pegasus? He's a fan. Not just a fan, like... mega-fan. Has all my records.”

“That's not a mega-fan, Vinyl. That's a normal fan.”

“He had a tattoo of me on his flank!”

Octavia barely managed to avoid choking on her coffee. “W-what? Really? What?”

“Well, no. But still, he's gushing over me. Practically drooling. Offering to buy me drinks.”

“So this... unicorn walks over. She looked vaguely familiar,” Shining said with a shake of his head. “I think she sang at our wedding? No. She played some of the music. Think she was a cousin of my sister's friend, Pinkie. They seemed to know each other.”

“DJ-PON3! She was at the same bar, with a pony like me!” Angelos gushed, wiggling about in his seat. “I mean, what were the odds? Even better, she wanted to sit with us! I offered to buy her a few drinks, I mean, who wouldn't? DJ-PON3!”

The other guard just stared at him. “Is... she famous?”

“What? Yes! She's one of the best DJs around. She plays at all biggest events. She can make or break any party. Well, the good ones.”

The questioner shrugged. “I'm not really a fan of that kind of... music. I really prefer classical.”

Angelos paused for a moment and rubbed his chin. “I think she's dating Octavia Melody? I mean, there's nothing really proven yet, but it's in all the tabloids.”

That made the guard's eyes widen. “Wait, really? And she was at a bar with you?” He paused and glanced down at his notes. “The one down on sugarlane, right?” There was a sudden clearing of the throat from behind Angelos, and the other guard flushed. “O-oh, right. Yes. Please continue with the story.”

“Well, she comes over and just sits by us, all cool like. Saying something about the odds being super low and, I'll be honest, I was so star struck I could barely even listen. Just... wow. So we get a few drinks and...” Angelos turned scarlet. “I'll... be honest. I started drinking more than I should have. I was... off today. Was supposed to be. So I thought I'd have a really nice night. What was a little hang over, right? I really wanted to show off for her...”

The soldier nodded. “I see? A crush then? Is that when you decided to... attempt to assassinate our princess?” The stallion accused.

Angelos jumped and shook his head, his eyes widening. “N-no! I'd never h-hurt Princess Luna!” He swore he heard a light snort from behind himself, but he was too frightened to look. “I was just... besides myself. She started asking questions then.”

“So like, here's this fan of mine trying to drink me under the table,” Vinyl said with a snort. “I mean, it was cute. He was two drinks in and already wobbling. I think he was trying to impress me.”

“Maybe he was trying to drink away the memories?” Octavia said with a hint of a smile, before taking another sip of her drink.

“I doubt it, he hadn't been to one of your concerts as far as I know,” the unicorn said with a smirk, ignoring the glare from the other mare. “But hey, drinking in silence is boring. So I ask what brings them there and I have some wicked plans in mind. I mean, two guards? I bet I could get into the palace easy if I get them drunk enough.”

“You've been into the palace, quite a few times. You've met the princess,” the earth pony said, confusion etched on her face. “I doubt the guards would even stop you if you asked.”

“But that's asking!” Vinyl said with a roll of her eyes, before taking another bite of her toast. “This? This is a party. I could see the article now. 'Impromptu party rocks Canterlot Castle. Celestia too hung over to comment.' I'd be a legend. Well, more of a legend.”

Octavia rolled her eyes. “I'm not even sure the princesses can get drunk. I seriously doubt they'd permit such a... performance, either.”

“Hey, by the time they figured out what was going on, it'd be too late. Besides, just look at them. Luna's definitely a late night girl, and I bet Celestia could shake her cutie mark with the best of them.”

The more serious mare shook her head. “How have you managed to avoid ending up in jail in all this time? I've half a mind to have you committed myself.”

“Too many fans in the guards. So, I start asking a few questions and, would you believe it, the other pony? Prince Shining Armor.”

That made Octavia freeze for a moment. “Wait, what? But he's... married. What would he be doing at a bar?” Vinyl let out a snort and gave her a wicked leer. “NEWLY married. Why would he resort to... such beverages so soon?”

“Well, that's not actually why he was there. Apparently his wife was busy. A princess, busy? Who would have thought. So, he decides to have a guys night out. Would you believe it? His buddies bail on him in the middle of the night to go hang out with some mares. Why would some pony do that?”

Octavia stared at her, flatly. “You do that to me, all the time.”

She coughed nervously. “Well, okay. Yeah. But I try to drag you along. It's not my fault you don't wanna do anything wild.”

“Getting felony charges added to my record is not my idea of a fun time.”

Vinyl poked her hooves together. “Sorry...”

The earth pony let her stew in her shame for a few seconds, before finally taking mercy on the dear. “Now, don't get so upset. We spend plenty of time together, I'm not going to refuse to allow you to spend the occasional night with your other friends. I was merely teasing.”

“I-I know...” the unicorn said as she lowered her gaze. “You know if you didn't want me to, all you'd have to say is--”

“And keep Vinyl Scratch all to myself?” Octavia said with a mock shiver. “Please. My mental facilities may sometimes be questionable, but even I am not demented enough to wish that on any pony, let alone myself. I don't mind you spending time with your friends. Do continue with the story, dear.”

“Well, so all his friends baled on him. So next thing I know the drinks are flying and we start playing cards. I... can't quite remember who's idea it was to do that. But he had a deck, we had three ponies, it worked. But, well, you know me.”

“Intimately.”

Vinyl blushed. “Well... I started saying we should make the stakes a bit more interesting.”

“That would explain the bag of bits on the counter this morning,” Octavia said, amusement on her face.

“Hee hee. Hey, not my fault those two sucked at old maid.”

Shining groaned as he rubbed his head. “I think I lost all of my entertainment allowance for the month...”

Cadence gave him a pat on the back. “There there. We can be together at home. I'll be your entertainment.” She then paused for a moment. “Also, you're captain of the guard. Just how many bits did you lose to this mare?”

He paused, took out a pen and paper to write down the number. He then showed it to her. She nearly choked on her coffee.

“She was really, really good at old maid.”

“So... I suck at card games. The captain was pretty good, but, well...” Angelos sighed. “Fortunately though, I know when to cut my losses. I spent most the night folding, so I only lost...” He moaned and laid his head on the table. “About two weeks wages.”

The guard across from him cringed. “Ouch.” There was a snicker from the back of the room, but the guard silenced it with a glare. “What happened then?”

“Well... finally they grew tired of that game and... that's when things started getting weird. I... can't quite remember everything. The drinks were flowing, we were getting a bit... out of control. But one of us, I think it was Vinyl, suggested we start playing a different game. She... had this very...” He paused and searched for a wood, rubbing his chin. “I'd say ominous look on her face. But I was too drunk to notice. She suggested we play... Dress-up Poker.” He shivered. “Oh, things got bad then...”

“Well, so here I have most of their bits and no idea what to spend it on. Then I get this wicked idea,” Vinyl said with a groan as she rubbed her hoof. “I'd say it was around this time I was on my... eighth, ninth drink? They were going so fast...”

Octavia let out another soft sigh. “What did you do?”

“I suggested Dress-up Poker.”

That made Octavia actually choke on her coffee. “W-what? Why would you suggest that? That's the kind of game that... horny college students play! Not a bunch of random strangers?” She paused for a moment. “Though it does explain the garments...”

“Well, yeah. But I mean, come on. Prince! I couldn't let this opportunity slip up. We were all too drunk to care, anyway. So... I dealt us in.”

Octavia groaned and lifted a hoof to her face. “What did you make them wear? Should I be expecting banishment for this later? I will deny knowing you.”

Vinyl leaned back in her chair and struggled to focus. The color, what little remained, drained from her face. “I... I think I dressed the prince up... like the princess.”

“Oh... oh dear. W-well. That's not so bad... She doesn't wear... much.”

“And pink knee length socks. The sexy kind I... keep trying to get you to wear.”

“Well, in that case Vinyl... please, do not expect me to wait for you until you return from banishment.”

“Oh, come on. It's not that bad. Is it? I mean, he is the prince. He has to have a good sense of humor, right?”

“I believe his title as prince is purely from marriage. I'm not aware of Cadence's desires in males, but I sincerely doubt sense of humor is one of them.”

“Oh... I'm... I'm bucked...”

“Indeed.”

Shining groaned as he laid back down. “I... remember coming to gather your things. Then the socks... oh the socks.” He shook his head again.

“W-well... I mean... errr...” Cadence coughed. “You... played at the bar?”

“What? No...” he mumbled as he shook his head. “I had to gather your things. You weren't home so we played in the tower.”

“Well, that's a relief.”

“I think we did each other's hair at one point...”

“How much did you drink after you arrived at the castle?”

“I have no idea,” Angelos said as he held his head. “It's... kind of a blur. The thing about drinking is, once you start doing it, it becomes a lot easier to convince yourself that more is a good idea.”

The guard nodded, though he looked away for a moment to cough into his hoof. A cough that sounded suspiciously like a snort of laughter. He quickly turned back. “Then what happened?”

Angelos groaned. “While... Shining was getting his wife's... things, DJ-PON3 was raiding... I think lockers? No. No no. The laundry room.” He perked up. “This outfit's not a rental! It's...” He paused and looked down. “Wait, since when is sexy maid uniforms standard issue?”

“Moving on. So, that is how you claim to have come in contact with the feather duster?”

He nodded rapidly, though he quickly regretted it when he fell out of his chair. “O-ow... y-yessir...” His hoof appeared over the edge a moment later and he pulled himself back into the seat. “I was... ummmm...” Angelos took a deep breath. “We started playing again. I think... I think I was supposed to wear the suit and she was supposed to wear the maids outfit. I... I don't know how this got mixed around.”

“I was so drunk,” Vinyl groaned. “I was all like... dress him up in the maid outfit. We'll call him Maidservice Moon. He was a lunar guard, it would have been hilarious.”

“You are going to be double, no, triple banished,” Octavia said as she struggled not to snicker. “But you managed to get into the castle, correct? That had to be worth it, right?”

“I think... I honestly don't even remember going in there. I think I might have broken a window and climbed in.” The DJ let out another groan. “You're right. I am so getting banished...”

Octavia shook her head. “Now, I doubt they'll go that far. I'm sure... they're all having some good laughs about this. Plenty of laughs. What happened next?”

“I... I think we got some hair clips. Seriously, Shining's hair is softer than yours. I even said as much.”

“Then she had the audacity to make fun of my mane,” Shining said with a scowl. “I'm not the only pony around who uses conditioner. It's practically a requirement for any pony who doesn't want to end up ruining their mane.”

Cadence shrugged. “I like your mane,” she said before giving him a little nuzzle. “Besides, it's nice being able to share hair products.”

“Exactly. Then...” He paused and his eyes widened. “Oh, I am going to kill that lunar guard if I ever find him. Slowly and painfully.”

Cadence cringed, eying him nervously. “Why? What happened?”

“Things were going fine for me. I mean, the little brat was, well... I've never seen someone play poker so badly. It was just... wow. He kept trying to bluff, and he wasn't subtle at all. At least, that's what I thought it was. But then... it was all a trap.”

“Yeah, I really didn't understand all the rules of poker, but I was too embarrassed to admit it,” Angelos said with a blush. “I mean, I was in front of one of my idols. I kept thinking I got these awesome cards. but they were apparently really bad. The wrong suits and stuff. I didn't kno what beat what. Then I got lucky...”

The guard cocked an eye. “Really? What happened?”

“Best set of cards I'd ever seen. It was a--”

“-- one in a million!” Vinyl said with a groan. “I had an awesome suit and he was jumping around like, well... I was certain he was bluffing. I mean, he kept looking like that when he bluffed. He called all in and--”

“-- I was so drunk off my flank I could barely see straight, but I had three of a kind so I was certain I'd win,” Shining said with a groan. “We both called him and--”

“Four of a kind AND I had a joker! You should have seen the way their mouths fell open.” Angelos paused for a second. “I... think they did at least. I remember something hitting the floor. It... might have been me though...”

The guard slowly nodded. “I see...” This time Angelos was certain he could hear laughter behind him, but the guard he was watching was as stone faced as ever. “What happened then?”

“Well, we took our winnings and...” His worlds trailed off as he groaned. “I flew home drunk...” The color began draining from his face. “I must have... must have seen the princesses open patio and thought it was part of the barracks.”

The other guard nodded. “And since you are one of the lunar guard, the defenses didn't go off. I see... well then, I believe I have all I need to know.”

Angelos gulped and rested his head on the table. He was so doomed.

“Never drinking like that again... for at least a day...” Vinyl groaned as she rubbed her hooves against her temples. “I'm just thankful it's over. Ugh.”

Octavia got a small, coy grin on her lips as she leaned back in her chair. “I wouldn't exactly say it's... over.”

The DJ glanced up and narrowed her eyes. “What do you mean?”

“Well... there is still the issue of those pictures I took of my dear sleeping beauty,” Octavia said before sipping her drink again. “I still haven't decided quite what I'll be doing with them.”

Vinyl paused and turned paler. “You... have pictures of me looking... looking like...”

“Respectable? Oh yes. I do need evidence, after all. Otherwise, who would believe me?” She pulled out a small picture, sliding it onto the table.

Vinyl stared at the image and whimpered. It was her. In bed. She looked so... so... businessy. “Y-you can't. I'll be ruined. Ponies will think I'm like... I'm like...”

“Me?”

“NOOOOOOOOOO!”

Shining laid back down and covered her face with his hooves. “I'm just thankful you're the only one who saw me like this,” he said with a moan. “I don't think I could ever face my soldiers if they found out.”

Cadence coughed. “Err... well... no, none of your soldiers have been here...”

The stallion locked up for a moment as dread flowed through his veins. “I'm... sensing a 'but' here. I don't want there to be a but.”

“It... wasn't my idea...”

“Oh Celestia...”

“It was Twilight's.”

“Oh Luna...”

“She was only here for a few hours, we thought it would be a surprise.”

“Oh you...”

“If it's any consolation, she took one look and then ran. I'm pretty sure she's halfway to Ponyville by now.”

Shining groaned and lifted the pillow over his head. “If I throw myself off the balcony, will you promise not to catch me?”

“No.”

“Worth a shot...”

The guard cleared his throat. “Now, Angelos. On the matter of attempted assassination, I find you innocent.”

Angelos let out a sigh of relief.

“Unfortunately, her royal highness Princess Luna had already passed judgment before this hearing, so it was primarily a formality. Were it up to me, I'd suggest some more coffee, a shower and coming back to work tomorror. Unfortunately, her word is law.”

Angelos let out a whimper of fear and slowly raised his head. “W-what... what did he say?”

The stallion gulped and slowly pulled out a scroll. He placed it on the table and spread it out. “I... think it's best that you read it.”

The lunar guard gulped and slowly spread the scroll out, his eyes scanning over the surface. He then read it again. “This... this can't be right. She--” His words were drowned out as the other ponies in the room burst into laughter, their stony faces melting. His eyes widened and he got up. “You... you just... this was all... she thinks... gahhhh!” His face was bright red as he ran from the room, accidentally knocking the letter on the floor as he went.

Dear Lunar guard mare,

While I do appreciate your offering of your body, and while I do believe you are quite an attractive pony, I am not currently looking for any relationship of that sort. Do not be disheartened though, loyal subject. I am sure with time and effort you can eventually find a mare or stallion more susceptible to your advances.

I understand this can be quite crushing and heart breaking for you, especially after the way you offered yourself to me. I know that must have taken a lot of courage. I have decided that you will be granted a weeks paid leave to help come to terms with your emotions. If you wish to return as one of my soldiers after this time, do know that your position remains. If it is too heart rending to return to my guard, I can make arrangements to transfer you to my sister's .

Signed, Princess of the Night, Luna.