The Mating Habits of Equus Pegasus
Twilight Sparkle was a mare of many talents, ranging from magic to model ship building to writing trashy romance stories featuring her friends, enemies, and the odd inanimate object, Though she would never have admitted to the latter. Unfortunately, all these skills were meaningless (and in one case, slightly detrimental) to helping her in actual social situations. She was pretty sure that the fiercest of rivals would not spontaneously resolve their issues through intercourse just from being locked in a train car together, no matter how many loose ends it would have tied up — or loose ponies, for that matter.
Today, her frustration at her meager skills came to a boil in the form of Flash Sentry. Somepony — probably Cadance — had arranged for Flash to be assigned to guard duty at the Friendship Castle for the month, a gesture which Twilight would have appreciated if she had any idea what to do with him. (Other than ordering him into the throne room with her and abusing her power, which was probably a bad idea.) Probably.
Having grown up without many friends except Spike, and a close-knit circle in Ponyville consisting entirely of mares, left Twilight with little knowledge of romantic matters. Quite frankly, the only stallions she had known before moving to Ponyville were related to her, and neither of them chose to discuss the finer point of courtship with her.
From what she had picked up from popular culture, going to a play, movie, or other form of general entertainment was a common practice, though it came off as incredibly generic. (So much so, in fact, that it featured in many of her secret stories, including a rather lengthy one featuring Discord, Celestia, and three wedding cakes.) Having dinner together was a more classy choice, but Twilight often found it hard to mix eating with conversation — her single-track mind tended to focus on one or the other.
What she needed was some mutually enjoyable activity for them to get to know each other over. But she had no idea what Flash's hobbies were, and she doubted she would want to spend time reading the newest Daring Do novel or measuring the Doppler shift of nearby star clusters. Solving differential equations was right out, and the less said about linear algebra, the better.
What did Flash like? For that matter, what did pegasus males like? Was there a book on the subject in her new library, or would she have to go to the Royal Archives in Canterlot? She was pretty sure she has seen an issue of Playmare discussing the subject, but it hardly seemed like reputable reference material.
The walls of her castle library shook from impact. Based on the harmonics of the crystal castle, its weight, and the size of the tremors, Twilight concluded that the object that caused the disturbance had the weight and velocity of Rainbow Dash. She was shortly proved correct as Rainbow Dash slipped in through the nearest open window and landed on her crystal throne.
"Sup, Twilight?" She stretched out against the firm seat and promptly curled up into a napping position.
"Not much, just contemplating mea…" Twilight trailed off as she studied at Rainbow closely.
Rainbow stared back. "Uh, Twi? You're doing that thing where you creep me out again."
"Oh! Sorry, I was just noticing that you're a pegasus."
"Yes, I am. Is there something...wrong with that?"
"Well, as it just so happens, I'm writing a paper on pegasi courting behavior!" Twilight announced brightly. "I don't suppose you have any tips for an ali- I mean, pegasus female who's trying to attract a mate?"
Rainbow cracked a grin and stood up on her chair. "Twilight, you totally came to the right mare! Sit back, relax, and let me tell you how it goes down among pegasi! First, you gotta learn how to strut; good posture lets them know you've got a great body."
She hopped off of the chair and pranced around the room, with her head held high, legs straight, and flanks taunt. Twilight conjured up a quill and parchment and began scribbling away madly.
"Second, you put on some music; whistling is traditional, but even raising the pitch of your voice a little counts." Rainbow hummed a few bars of Wild Blue Yonder, which were surprisingly close to what they should have been. "Incidentally" she whispered, "This is one of the many reasons why stallions go crazy over Fluttershy — but don't tell her, she'd probably freak out and never talk again."
Rainbow came to a halt in front of Twilight and forced her to lower the parchment. Twilight saw Rainbow standing before her with her plumage on display. "Third, you puff out your chest and spreads your wings to display your superior awesomeness. Fourth the dancin-"
Twilight went back to writing. "So, basically, what you do every time you see Thunder-"
"Well, would you look at the time! I have go to manage some weather!" Rainbow pointed herself at the clear blue sky to make her escape. "Yup, lots of weather out there that needs managing out there!" Rainbow flapped her wings, but found herself staying firmly in place due to a familiar magical aura wrapped around her body.
Twilight's eyes never left the paper as she continued to take notes. "Wait! I don't suppose I could get you two to put on a full demonstration so I can learn about pressure points, erogenous zones, and wing techniques? This information could come in handy later!"
Rainbow strained in vain against Twilight's telekinetic grip. "No! Come on, I'm busy! I really mean it this time! You don't want a weather disaster, do you? Think of the crops, Twilight! The crops!"
"Oh shush, I'm sure Cloudkicker has things perfectly under control." A trapdoor in the center of the throne room slid open to reveal a set of stairs leading down. "Now, let's go to my lab! I'll start up the EEGs, attach a few sensors, and we'll be good to go!"
"Not the science dungeon! You remember what happened last time, right?"
"We'll be fine as long as you stop drinking untested potions." Twilight descended the stairs in a brisk trot, with a vigorously protesting Rainbow Dash in tow. "Come on, there's so much testing to be done! For science!"
"For pony's sake, Twilight, I swear that if you don't let me go this instant, you're new castle is going to get Sonic Rainnuked back to the Paleopony period! So help me Celestia, I will open up a rainbow-colored can of- ow! Watch the mane! Hey, that's cold! W-wait, what are you doing with that thermometer? Stay back! I'm warning you, stay back!"
Flash Sentry stood at the foot of Princess Twilight's castle — he mentally snickered every time someone referred to it as the Friendship Castle, and audibly did so when the full name came up — and watched the peaceful townsfolk go about their day. Ponyville thus far was more relaxed than Canterlot or the Crystal Empire, but also more boring.
He froze in horror as the thought crossed his mind, and immediately tried to take it back. Ponyville, he swore, was a fun and entertaining rural town with many attractions, such as a giant crystal castle growing out of the ground, a untameable forest full of dangerous flora and fauna, and many wonderful farms that boasted-
He gave up as the punishment for tempting fate swooped into view. Princess Twilight landed softly in front of him and spread out her wings much wider than was necessary to slow her descent. She straightened up out of her landing posture and shook her mane out of her eyes.
"Hello, Flash," she said, in a sing-song voice, "It seems as if you're coming off duty."
"Oh, hi there, Twilight! You sure caught me by surprise!" He cleared his throat and did his best to stand at attention. "Yes, I will be free in a moment."
"Well then! It just so happens that I'm going out for a meal. Would you care to escort me to dinner?"
Flash kept his eyes fixed forward as Twilight casually brought a wing up to her head and began preening it. The feathers of her wings rustled gently as she sorted them into place one by one.
"Oh dear, I'm afraid I'm still not used to these wings," Twilight sighed. "I don't suppose you could help me take care of them later tonight?"
"Um, I..." He fidgeted uncomfortably in his armor. "Ok, look, I'm flattered and all, and please don't take this the wrong way, but, I'm not, er, interested."
Twilight's jaw dropped open in shock. "But that's impossible! Rainbow Dash spent hours drilling me! I should be irresistible! Did I not spread my wings enough? Was my posture off?"
Flash backed away from her slightly. "Now, don't get me wrong, you're a very attractive mare, and I'm sure you'll make somepony very happy someday, it's just that-"
A shadow flitted between them, and they looked towards the setting sun to see Thunderlane glide in. Flash's pupil dilated as Thunderlane shook his windswept mane back into position, pulled a book out from his saddlebags and stepped in front of Flash.
"Good evening, Twilight!" He announced cheerfully. "I hope it's not too late to return that book I borrowed?"
Twilight snatched it out of his hooves with her telekinesis. "No, it's fine. I was just about to head out for dinner."
"Cool, don't let me hold you up!" With that, he was off into the air again.
Twilight looked back at Flash, only to see his eyes glued on Thunderlane's retreating form. She sighed and facehoofed. "Great, just my luck…and all that time wasted."
Flash gave her a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. "Sorry, I kinda figured it was better to keep it under wraps. Um, better luck next time?"
Deep underground, nestled in the roots of Twilight's castle, lay her science dungeon, a laboratory filled with ancient relics, archaic texts, arcane machines, and a cyan pegasus strapped to an operating table.
"Hello?" Rainbow Dash called out to the empty dungeon. "Twilight? Spike? Anybody? I want to go home!"
