I Was THIS Close!

by Teyeson Bee

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sonata Dusk, Alternate Universe, Nightmare Moon, Comedy, King Sombra, Queen Chrysalis, Random, Discord
Length: 3695

The rogue's list of nasties from Equestria are exchanging stories of how they almost won over a game of poker. This should be interesting.

A rainy night at a bar really brings out stories from within ponies. During a game of poker, Equestria's rogue list, including Nightmare Moon, Chrysalis, Discord, and Sombra, plus another, the baddies start sharing stories. The similarity; the telling of how they almost won their most famous defeats.

Loosely based on the episode, "Almost Got 'Em" from Batman the Animated Series

Published 2014-12-01 07:10:08 UTC
Last updated 2014-12-01 07:10:08 UTC

A Night of Poker and Stories

Bleak. That's all that could be said about the weather in southern Equestria. Bleak and rainy. Raindrops the size of marbles coming down at a rapid pace in a small town. Nopony knows the name of the town, but that is unimportant. A small tavern sits quietly in the middle of the small town. A small sign sits on the side of the door that reads, "The Rotten Hayseed," a lovely little name for tourists. That was a lie of course, for you see, the tavern is only occupied by the despised all over Equestria. No other pony dared to venture into the tavern, for they knew that they'd probably never come out without a broken bone or two. No civilized pony would even think about going into that despicable place, so naturally, let's venture in.

The tavern is dully lit by a few lanterns hanging on the ceiling, some of them not even lit. The barkeep is at the front behind the bar, cleaning glasses and asking for drink orders. The sound of classic bar music from a piano is heard throughout the place, played by that blue unicorn magician, Trixie. If you would look around, you would see some other hated faces from all over the horse-infested world. Over to the left, the rival archeologist to Daring Do, Dr. Caballeron, was bragging about finding treasures to the bored-looking, badmouthing griffon Gilda and that wretched, wild-haired Maneiac. Over to the left, you see the spoiled little brats Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon recoiling in disgust at the three Diamond Dogs sitting at the table next to them, possibly because of that foul stench coming from them. And over at the bar, you see the smooth-talking con artists Flim and Flam getting themselves a glass of strong apple cider. The list does not stop there though. Garble, Suri Polomare, Ahuizotl, the tavern is just filled with the worst of the worst. Though, the real excitement is happening at a small round table in the back, where the true worst are gathered for a friendly, quote on quote friendly, game of poker.

"Alright fillies and germs," said the cocky draconequus as he shuffled the deck, "The name of the game is 5-Card Stud. Let's make this a fair game."

"Are aces high or low?" asked the black princess of the night.

"They go both ways, I believe," answered the changeling queen.

"Just deal already," snapped the crystal king.

As you may have guessed, the owners of the table are the "Big 4" of Equestria; Nightmare Moon, Discord, Chrysalis, and Sombra. They have something that makes them stand out above all the others. They were considered worse than all the others in the room put together. And yet, there was still somepony missing, and Discord realized it too as he dealt the cards. "Where's Tirek? I thought he was coming."

"I believe he said he would be running late," Nightmare replied as she took her cards, "Although, somepony will be coming in his place. I don't know who, but I hope they're a good card player."

Suddenly, the door burst open and everypony, except the Big 4, turned to see who was coming in. Although they didn't look to see what was going on, the Four suddenly heard all of the tavern groan, like something annoying just popped in.

"DISCORD!" shouted a high-pitched female voice, "MOONY! SOMBRA! CHRYSSIE! Are you HERE!?"

Annoying was putting it mildly. The Big 4 winced as they recognized the voice right away. They understood why everypony else groaned as well. Sure, the owner of this voice was part of the group of sirens that terrorized not only Equestria, but an alternate dimension as well, but that didn't take away from the fact that she annoyed the HAY out of the rest of Equestria's underbelly.

"Please tell me it isn't who I think it is," Chrysalis groaned. Discord peeked over his shoulder and quickly turned around again with a disgusted look on his face.

"Maybe she hasn't noticed us yet," Nightmare whispered, "If we just lay low and not say anything, maybe she'll just go awa-"

"Oh there you guys are!" the voice called out as it got closer.

"What! Does she have Vulcan hearing?" Discord groaned.

"What's Vulcan?" Sombra asked.

"Long story," Discord said, "I'll tell you later." There was no getting around it. As the footsteps got closer, the 4 prepared for the face they knew that was coming. As they turned around, they were greeted by a slim figure with blue hair, tied back in a ponytail, navy highlights, a purple jacket, pink skirt, and a very big smile.

"Hi Sonata," everypony groaned as she sat down at the table.

"Hi guys!" Sonata answered happily, "You all look great! So...what are you all playing?"

"Poker," Chrysalis mumbled. Sonata nodded with a big smile, as if waiting for another statement. Chrysalis groaned. "I don't suppose you would...like to join in..." Everypony started a rapid prayer saying, "Please no please no please no..."

"Ok!" Sonata replied. Everypony groaned again as Discord passed her five cards. Pretty soon, five of Equestria's rogue list sat intently at the table, gazing at their cards. The table was quiet, for about a minute, until Sonata spoke up again. "Wait...is this game like Go Fish?"

Sombra rolled his eyes as Nightmare facehoofed herself.

"Yes Sonata," Discord answered sarcastically, "It's almost a cross between Go Fish and GIN RUMMY!"

"Okie dokie!" Sonata happily responded, unaware of the sarcasm, as she went back to her cards. "So, some weather outside huh?"

"It's always raining like this in southern Equestria," Nightmare sneered.

"I know Moony," Sonata replied. Nightmare winced at the stupid nickname. "I was just thinking how the weather reminded me of the time me and my sisters first arrived at the human world after our banishment."

"You don't say," Sombra said unenthusiastically.

"Oh, but I DO say!" Sonata responded. "I remember it like it was yesterday. We had just arrived via a swirling portal...

"'What just happened?' Aria furiously asked as we landed in an alleyway beside a busy street.

'I don't know,' Adagio responded. 'Last thing I remember, we were stealing some energy from a nearby village when...AH! Of course! That lousy magician Starswirl the Bearded faced us and said that he would banish us to where our powers could never hurt anypony again!'

'Looks like he meant it,' I added as I pointed out to the open space. The others looked out and all of our eyes went as wide as plates. Even through all the rain, we were still able to see the new world for what it was. Strange creatures walking down the streets on two legs, with hands, and no tails. Not only that, but we had turned into those creatures ourselves. I was quite terrified. Adagio and Aria said they weren't afraid, but I think they lied because I was able to jump-scare Aria. Oh I've never seen her jump so high or have THAT much emotion on her face. I laughed until I thought I was gonna puke...that is until she grabbed me by my hair and threatened to drown me if I did that again."

"Ooo! I love the way Aria thinks!" Chrysalis mumbled to Sombra, who snickered.

"We spent hours getting used to our new appendages; learning how to walk, use our hands, and the other stuff. We learned over time that the creatures were called humans, and that we were still able to steal energy from them with our singing. It was never as powerful as the stuff back in Equestria, until that day that Princess Twilight came to the world. There was this whole thing about a Battle of the Bands, and Taco Tuesday, and well, we were finally able to get Equestrian magic and return to full power. We were THIS close to taking over..."

"...until the girls and their newest member Sunset Shimmer showed us up with their giant alicorn bomb and took our power. Now we can't even carry a tune. You wanna hear?"

"NO!" shouted not only the 4, but the rest of the tavern as well. Everypony was well aware of the sirens' singing voices without their power.

"So let me get this straight," said Nightmare as she pulled a card from the deck, "You and your sisters almost took over by sucking the negative energy out of others through song, and you were defeated by...an alicorn spirit bomb?"

"Pretty much," Sonata replied. A short silence fell on the table as the 4 looked at each other. Suddenly, within a second, the whole table burst out laughing. Discord was holding his sides as Chrysalis banged a hoof on the table and Sombra and Nightmare were hanging onto each other for support. The only one who didn't find this amusing was Sonata. "HEY! Stop teasing!" she snapped, "Like any of you have come so close in means of taking over Equestria!"

"Maybe they haven't," Sombra replied as he wiped some tears from his eyes, "But I have! With my dark crystals-" Sombra was cut off by the entire table groaning in annoyance over the king's constant references to crystals! With Sombra it was crystal this and crystal that. Everything was done with crystals.

"Enough with the crystals Sombra!" Discord grunted as he stretched his arm far above the table, "We've had it up to HERE with the crystals. Why don't you try diamonds for a change? A lot less fragile you know."

"Mock if you will Discord," Sombra responded, "But it was because of my dark crystals that I was able to fully take over the Crystal Empire before..."

"I had come from a faraway land, far outside the borders of Equestria. It was over 1,000 years ago when I first came to Equestria, bent on taking a city for my own. My magic was far different than others. I had just mastered the unicorn's forbidden dark magic, and was able to bend things to my will. I traveled around for a while until I stumbled upon a kingdom made entirely out of crystal. Even the ponies who resided there were crystal. My luck increased even more when I learned that the princess running the place had mysteriously disappeared. That wretched pink alicorn with a 'heart as pure as crystal' known as Princess Cadence. With her disappearance, I was able to seize the city for myself. Though some tried to stop me, my magic was far superior than anything they could throw at me. It didn't take me long to fully take control, and over the course of time, I was able to create magical black crystals that aided in my control.

"And then the sisters turned you to smoke," Discord mumbled under his breath. The other snickered as Sombra huffed in frustration.

I was getting to that! Anyway, although I was indeed defeated by the sisters, I was able to first place a curse on the Empire. It disappeared for 1,000 years, and when it returned, so did I.

"So unlike you Sonata, not only was I able to conquer the Empire once before, but I was THIS close to doing to again. That is until..."

"Until Cadence returned, got the Crystal Heart, and used it to blow you to smithereens?" Discord interrupted smugly.

"WOULD YOU LET ME FINISH A STORY?" Sombra shouted. He then placed a card on the table and took another from the deck. "Anyways, yes. I was blown up, but luckily, my horn survived, allowing me to regenerate, and someday, I will return."

"Oh yes! I can see it now," Discord snickered, 'King Sombra returns, and he's HORNIER than ever!'" Chrysalis and Nightmare busted out laughing again as Discord snapped his fingers and produced a Sombra horn on his own head, mocking him. Sonata just gave a confusing stare as Sombra's face turned red with anger.

"THAT'S IT YOU FREAK!" Sombra growled as he stood up, "COME AT ME! I DARE YOU!"

"What're you gonna do?" Discord asked, "Blast me with your 'crystals'?" Sombra snarled as he sat back down. The 3 continued laughing as Sonata continued to stare. Suddenly, a smirk appeared on Sombra as he had just thought of something funnier.

"Well at least I didn't get defeated by mushy-gushy love."

Chrysalis stopped laughing immediately as her face went bright red. The others, however, howled even louder with laughter. They were almost crying they were laughing so hard. Sombra had even started chuckling as he saw the changeling blush with both embarrassment and rage. "Excuse me!" she snapped, "But I was still able to get closer than you Sombra!"

"How so?" Sombra asked as he took another card.

"Because I was able to-"

"Oooooh!" Sonata suddenly chimed in. Everypony jumped as they had forgotten she was there. "Hornier! I get it! Like because his horn survived, so he's HORNIER! HA! Good one Discord." Sonata laughed out loud as everypony else just stared at her with looks of horrified confusion, not knowing how to respond. As her laughing had subsided, the others continued to stare in both annoyance and amazement of how slow she could be.

"Because I was able to actually kidnap Princess Cadence," Chrysalis finished, deciding to just forget what just happened. The others just followed her lead and Sonata just looked over at Chrysalis, completely oblivious. "And to be honest, it wasn't that hard..."

"I traveled from the Changeling Kingdom, a city far beneath the mountains. I was looking for a city that could supply enough food for my subjects. I must've looked for days before I found Canterlot. No other city had such love within it. At that time, the magic barrier wasn't around the city, so I was able to sneak into the city as a guard pony. As I traveled throughout the city, there was a particular pair of ponies that caught my eye. A lovely pink alicorn, giggling and resting her head on the shoulder of a muscular white unicorn stallion with a blue mane. The sight made me gag, but I did notice that the love the two were giving off was much stronger than the rest of the city's combined. That's when I devised a plan to take the form of the alicorn, feed off the love she had for the stallion, and use it to take over. Then, I would move onto the world!"

"Is there any evil plan that DOESN'T involve taking over the world?" Discord asked as he shuffled the cards some more, "I mean, it seems kind of cliche."

"Like you're one to talk!" Chrysalis snapped.

"Point taken," Discord responded, "Continue."

"Anyway, I learned a little after that that the two were engaged, and that made it all the better! I was able to disguise myself as a hoofmaiden and lull the princess into a trap. 'Excuse me your highness,' I said in my sweet hoofmaiden voice, 'Your hooficure session is prepared!'

'Thank you,' Cadence answered sweetly. She followed me into a dark room, and that's where I got the jump on her. I dragged her down into the catacombs under the city and took her place as Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. I drained the love the two had from each other, rose in power, and was even able to beat Celestia herself!"

"Poppycock!" Discord coughed loudly as the other snickered.

"It's true," Chrysalis said, annoyed at the draconequus, "I defeated Celestia and was THIS close to taking down the entire kingdom! Then Cadence had to break the bond on her husband and regain the love power." She then turned to Sombra. "I was able to kidnap a princess! I think that takes seniority over you Sombra!"

"It doesn't over me!" Nightmare shouted. The others turned to her, startled by her sudden outburst. "I was able to beat Celestia without any love help!"

"For realsies?" Sonata asked, her mouth ajar, "That's amazing Moony!"

Nightmare winced again and clenched her teeth. "If she calls me 'Moony' one more time..."

"Oh lighten up Nightmare!" Discord chimed in, "Why don't you tell us about your story of how you almost took over?"

"Well, it all started when-"

"Oh wait! I forgot!" Discord interrupted, "You DON'T have a story! You turned evil, tore up your castle, shot Celestia with a laser, got banished to the moon, came back, and got taken down by the elements of harmony almost instantly! Not much to go on there!" The other broke out in laughter as Nightmare turned her sinister gaze to the mocking draconequus.

"If you're so cocky," Nightmare growled, "Then why don't you tell us how you got defeated by the SAME ELEMENTS...TWICE?"

"Very true," Discord smiled, "I did get defeated by the elements twice, but you're forgetting one important factor; I was able to defeat Celestia AND Luna for the first time, corrupt Twilight Sparkle and her friends, AND take over TWO times! Ah, I remember it like it was yesterday..."

"During my first battle with Celestia and Luna, they really threw what they had at me, but my craziness was just too much for them. Celestia fired a laser at me, and I turn her tail into a cactus! Luna tried to sneak up on me, I gave her jelly legs! The two tried to rush me, and I just glued their horns together! I was just too much for them! I was having a hoot and a half myself. That fight led to some embarrassing moments from the two princesses. You should've seen it when I made Celestia's tongue too big! She sounded like she just got stung by a bee in the mouth! Oh the things you don't get on camera. Anyway, after I defeated them, I made the world just as I wanted it; full of chaos! Flying pigs, soap-covered streets, cotton candy clouds, the whole shebang! Nothing could ruin it. Except...the elements of course..."

"Of course!" Nightmare said smugly, "He was so sure of himself that his cockiness got him in trouble both times. I still have a picture of his first pose." She lit up her horn as an image of Discord's first statue pose lit up around the table. It was the pose with him laughing with a raised claw, like he was singing opera or something.

"Ha! It looks like you're singing opera or something!" Sonata belted out. The others laughed as Discord just rolled his eyes.

"Laugh if you will," he said, "but I still have something over all of you." The laughing stopped as he continued. "While all of you were 'THIS CLOSE' to achieving your goal, I had already achieved mine...twice. Sure I got defeated both times, but you have to remember, I won against my opponents the first round, and the only reason I lost the second round was because of the elements. Face it! No other force could stop me from achieving my goal! And THAT'S why I'm the best villain! Any complaints?"

Everypony at the table opened their mouths to protest, but then slowly closed them as they came to the realization that he was right. Nopony came as close as Discord. The whole table slumped down in their chair, defeated.

"And that's not the only thing I'm the best at..." Discord continued as he slammed his cards down on the table. Two kings and three jacks. "Full house baby! Any better ones?" The others looked at their cards and one by one, groaned in defeat and placed their lower hands on the table. All except Sonata who looked over her cards for a minute in confusion.

"Uhh...is this a good hand?" she asked. As she placed her cards down on the table, everypony's eyes grew as wide as dinner plates. The only one who didn't see was Discord, who was too busy striking a victory position.

"Discord..." Sombra said with a smug grin, "You might not want to celebrate just yet."

"Now Sombra," Discord replied as he leaned by towards the table, "What could possibly be put down that could-" Discord stopped in his tracks as he looked at Sonata's hand. A ten of clubs. A jack of clubs. A queen of clubs. A king of clubs. An ace of clubs.

Discord's mouth literally dropped to the floor in shock.

"A ROYAL FLUSH?" Discord shouted as the others chuckled out of satisfaction.

"Does this mean I win?" Sonata asked.

"Yes Sonata dear," Nightmare replied with a smile, "You win!"

"WOO-HOO!" Sonata shouted as she jumped up and did a little dance. As this went on, Discord just kept banging his head against the wall, half cursing and half crying, and the others just sat around the table with a satisfied smile on their faces. They may have not beaten Discord with backstories or with their OWN hooves, but something just felt right seeing Sonata put that cocky draconequus in his place. Everypony else in the tavern looked up to see what was going on, and when they heard, they started laughing as well. Discord was never going to live it down that he lost a game of poker to Sonata. "Well, it's been fun guys," Sonata happily said as she gathered up her winnings, "but I gotta go now! See you guys! Hope we can do it again sometime!" As she skipped merrily out the door, the table turned to Discord, still in disbelief. He, the Lord of all Chaos, lost to the most annoying villain in the history of Equestria and beyond.

"And to think Discord," Chrysalis said with an evil grin, "You were THIS close!"

"Oh shut up you oversized swiss cheese-legged changeling," Discord mumbled as he picked up what was left of his dignity and sulked towards the door. As he started to head out, Tirek was on the other side, just about to head in.

"Ah, Discord," he said with a sinister smile, "Sorry I'm late. How are-"

"YES I LOST TO SONATA AT POKER! STOP TORTURING ME!" Discord shouted as he snapped his fingers and disappeared in a huff, leaving a very confused Tirek at the door.

"Did I just miss something?"