I Swear I Didn't Paint A Target On My Balls...

by Black Jesuz

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Comedy
Length: 1061

"I so did not expect this... so much pain. Oh Celestia, my groins. Oh Celestia, my precious groins."

In which Shining gets a hoof to the balls by his wife. Hilarity ensues.
One-Shot: Rated M for adult language and themes and it's not a clopfic

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-26 19:30:02 UTC

My Balls..Oh Celestia, My Balls..

Shining POV

I just made a astounding discovery: being numb? Great. Going numb? Fucking hurts!

I could hear his three maids laughing their heads of right now. I know they planned this. I know it. I hope they die a slow, painful death, hanged by their own goddamn intestines. Fucked up? I'm in to much pain too give a shit.

I wish I could say I deserved it; shockingly so, I've been a very, very good stallion. Although, I may not be on Santa's nice list, saving Equestria from utter destruction from a changeling invasion should have earned me a few brownie points at least.

See, what should be a happy, normal, painless day at the castle turned out to be one hay of a ding-dong for me, with my dear  Cadance going all to serious and berserk on me for one measly mistake, cracking my nuts in the process. Tch, mares...

How you ask?

With a simple maneuver. The hoof thing.

And BANG!

I'm hit, I'm hit! Mayday, mayday!

This is going down, I mean going waaaaayyy down in the Top Ten Embarrassing things to ever happen to me. This easily overwhelms everything, snagging the top spot. Yes, I'm serious. Nothing beats this. Not even the time I caught my drill lieutenant pleasuring herself in the snack room....don't ask.

I drop to my knees, ignoring the painful stab in my patella. Hey, I haven't drinking milk since I was, I dunno, nine? Hence the weak knees. On the contrary,  Cadance clearly has this on-going campaign against dairy products because shit, her hoofs are liking goddamn jackhammers.

Oh yeah, there it is. The whole wide-eyed, 'OH MY CELESTIA I JUST HOOFED MY HUSBAND IN THE BALLS' look. If I wasn't in blinding pain right now I would be seriously turned on, but yeah. Any arousal on my part won't be happening until my testicles stop doing spin cycles.

I wish she would stop rambling. I'm in deep, deep agony here, Cadance baby, If you start apologizing I'm going to tear this joint apart.

Why do people call these balls, anyway? I mean they don't look like balls. And they aren't covered with hard, rubber exteriors like real balls. More like kiwi fruits. Coconuts, maybe?

Now I'm going delirious; Great.

No! No, no, no, no,Cadance. Dearest Cadance, do not call for help! This is not a world-ending situation. Do not call for Celestia, Luna or anyone else, for goodness sake. This a stallion's situation, and I don't think Celestia or sweet Luna or anyone even has the capacity to fully understand the hoof-to-groin torture I am in. Do the princesses even have a penis?

Huh. I'll ask the next time they visit.

To think about it, I remember a old myth about a goddess of love who was born when a huge cock was tossed in the sea. What was her name...umm..Afrodite...Aphowhite..Oh whatever. But, seriously who does that? I mean I know that vasectomy is all the range here in Equestria, with the infidelity and angry housewives with butcher knives going around and about, but throwing it over a Cliffside is like aiming a missile on a bunch of unsuspecting foals. You just don't do it. Hmm, is that how Cadance was made? Is she a huge cock too?

Did I just call Luna sweet?

See, this is why codpieces have roamed since the dawn of time. And in todays case, armors have extra lining to protect our highly sensitive crotches from getting slammed. You protect where values due.

Oh fuck, how I forget to wear that today?

Why did the god of pony anatomy have to place our kiwi's between our legs? Oh sure, they look great and that's a major plus with getting it on with the ladies, but damn.

My kiwis are going to burst, oh man, oh man, OH MAN!

Cadance, hon, please give me a moment to breathe. No. No, dear I don't need your Midol. I'm not going into heat right now. Yes, some Advil please. No? Okay, Motrin's good.

Yep, she's holding it. I can see it. Her cheeks are getting all red and puffy. How adorable.

Uh-Huh, I will hang on. Seriously, Cadance, I have nowhere else to go some ice would be nice, thank you very much.

There she goes, thank Celestia, swinging her sweet little tushie. She's going for the rescue. Atta girl. This gives me some time for some privacy 'coz right now I would like to pollute the air with a whole lotta of four-letter words --and no longshorecolt ain't gonna cut it.

Uuuuuuugggghhhhhhh.

OH, ohhh. Tender, tender. Oh damn, I can't feel my balls. My head is pounding, my chest is hurts.

Shhiiitttttt!

Yay, she's back. With a whole lot of ice, yahoo! I'm yodeling now, whether in pain or pleasure I'm not sure. Oh yes, that's the stuff. Ohhhhhhhhh yessssssss.

I'm so disgusting right now.

Leave me alone, girlie. This is practically your fault, yes, but no I am not going to divorce you, so go now. Yup, you can go. This is going to take awhile to subside, so yeah. I know you have to. Your so red in the face right now I could die.

O-kay. That did it. She's snorting now. So un-lady like, fuck me. Honestly, I don't know if my pride or my kiwis are going to be proportional for the rest of my life. Wounded, even more so. The snorting phase is over now; she's laughing now, chuckling like a griffon.

I wave her away briskly. Yes, darling, I and my globes will just fine. She follows my raspy request. Good girl. Uh-huh. Yep, I can still her the 'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH' from a mile away.

I sigh.

There, there, Cadance. I understand if this situation's very funny, even at my own expense. Yep, I fully understand. I'm just gonna lie here on this nice velvety, grass while I listen to you snorkel as my gonads fall out, and you will extend the same gratitude as I will put some space between us for a few days, years, decades, won't you?

Because I remember you did say you wanted to have nice, non-mutated, functional kids with me in the future so I'm sure you can berth a few from your flanks will be swell for the both of us.

-fin-