The One That Caged My Heart Away...
What is a Cage without bars? Twilight thought to herself, her baggy eyes fixated on the single mug of coffee she held in her magical grasp. She shuffled in her seat as if to get more comfortable, but in reality, it was a nervous shuffle. The kind of shuffle you do when you have moves like jagger.
With a sigh, she lifted her head to be greeted by the sight of the waitress, a mare as white as a KKK rally with a brown mane. She had a look of worry across her face, the worry was for her royal customer. Twilight struggled to release a friendly smile, which quickly faded away into her grim expression.
"Is there something wrong your highness?" The waitress asked, now standing next to Twilight's seat.
Twilight rolled her eyes at being called 'your highness' but choose to strike up a conversation anyway. She motioned her head towards the seat next to her, inviting the waitress to sit, the waitress did. "Well, plenty of things are wrong," She said, cutting herself off with a sigh. "It's a long story. One of snow and woe." She finished, grimly giggling at her hilarious and witty rhyme.
"I love long stories! How else would this fic continue if I didn't?" The waitress replied, forcing a grin across her muzzle.
"Well then, it all started with a man, a human..."
Le Flashback Transition Italics.
Nicolas Cage and Arnold Schwarzenegger both hurried through the dense Everfree, ducking under branches and dodging spiky bushes. Their shoe prints leaving a fresh trail in the mud.
From behind them, the royal night guards approached, trotting towards them and quickly making up ground.
"How are you remembering this part of the flashback if you weren't even there?" Asked the waitress. Twilight glared at her. "Sorry..."
Arnie and Nick continued down the muddy path, trudging their way past all sorts of foliage, before a horny branch cut Arnold in the legs. Nick turned around, panting from exhaustion. He hurried his way to his friend and began to tend to his wound. But he knew the branch wasn't the only thing that was horny that night, he looked over a bush and saw the royal guards dressed in skanky clothing.
"We love you long time. Five dollars for sucky-sucky." Said one of them, biting her lip sexually.
Cage shuddered and went back to tending to Arnie, who began to protest. "THEY'LL KILL YOU TOO! LEAVE ME HERE!" Said Arnold, waving his hand dismissively.
Cage began to tear up. "I... I can't leave you! Remember all those times we spent together, honey? Remember the sunset in Venice?!" He said, tears now flowing freely from his face.
"I... I lo-"
"Did you really just say that? Did you just make an ArnoldxCage pairing?" Said the waitress, halting Twilight's story. Twilight simply giggled.
"Alright, I'll skip the part where they have a lap dance." Responded Twilight.
Nicolas panted like a dog, his tail wagging as well. It was a nervous tail, as it is a well known fact that Nicolas Cage grows a tail every time he is exhausted. The Cage Mage turned his head and heaved a sigh of relief. He hadn't been followed after Arnold sacrificed himself. The thought brought him to tears. His whines sounded like a pirate with herpes chocking on a taco.
"Twilight, what's that noise?" Asked Spike, relaxing on Twilight's back.
"Why, it must be a pirate with herpes chocking on a taco." Replied the lavender unicorn, trotting her way along through the Everfree.
"Oh," Replied Spike. "Makes perfect sense."
It had been a mostly routine walk, a trek she would make occasionally to stock up on Zecora's cocaine 'potions'. Spike, like always, was riding on her like a five dollar hooker, though she didn't mind, she had grown used to being ridden for awhile now.
She continued to trot along the dirt path leading to Zecora's hutt until her eyes laid sight upon the most amazing thing ever, crying under a tree was the one; the sexiest fucking thing she had ever fucking seen.
The sight of him made her buttcheeks spread so wide they could fit an entire tapdancing Irish rugby team and an audience of ten million.
"Wh- who are you?" Asked the sexy beast, chocking back tears.
"I'm princess Twilight Sparkle and my god you are hot as fu- I mean, who might you be?" Replied Twilight.
"I'm Nicholas Cage, I'm an actor." He said flexing his muscles, the sight of which made Twilight wet.
"That's the hottest name ever..." She muttered under her breath. "You look cold, maybe you'd want a place to stay, rip your clothes off, and fill me with that hot, sticky sperm?"
Nick 'Muh Dick' Cage didn't know what to say, he felt the longer he looked into her lustful eyes the stronger the urge he has to become one with his spirit animal; A Brazilian three-toed sloth. "Sure, but I should warn you, the other princess bitch wants me dead."
Twilight raised an eyebrow at the mentioning of a 'princess bitch' "Why do they want you dead?" She asked.
Nicolas Cage began to sweat, "I... I sorta killed Luna then tried to frame it on Morgan Freeman." This did little to answer Twilight's curiosity, instead she had more questions than before.
"We'll talk about this when we're at our castle..."
----——----
Nicolas Cage, Twilight and Spike arrived at the castle at last. But, as Twilight opened the door, she was greeted by the sight of Black Jesus, Neil Degrasse Tyson himself, the commander of Equestria's military. He took off his jacket, revealing the karate robes he wore under it.
"Y'all came to the wrong neighbor hood." He said, doing a quick flip, swinging his arms around then assuming a pose. Nicolas knew this form of martial arts, it was Black-fu, and by the looks of it, Neil was a master in this form. But so was Cage.
"Quite a surprise, but try this one on for size!" Said Cage, striking a pose then turning into a megazord. Neil grinned deviously, and opened his mouth, lasers rushed out of it, causing damage to Nic's megazord.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!" Asked Twilight, mouth agape. Out of nowhere, the power rangers theme song played, filling the room with the sound of music.
Spike looked up at the carnage which blew a hole in the roof. Flying above the hole was Cagezord and Neil kicking each other's ass. Small bits of Cagezord machinery crashed to the ground along with black guy limbs which, as we all know, regenerate.
Cage, along with his megazord crew consisting of Matthew McConaughey, Christopher Walken, Gandalf and Clint Eastwood chopped off Neil's head, which to their surprise grew back, but not as a normal head, but rather one made of naked women having sex with pineapples, which were all secretly made of laser beams.
This transformation took the Cage off guard, leaving it open for Neil's kamahameha, which created a massive explosion, engulfing half the Everfree forest. There, in the receding mist of the battle, stood an injured Twilight Sparkle, standing on the rubble that was her castle. She had not a goddamn clue what just happened.
"All will reveal itself in time." Said Matthew McConaughey, standing above the corpse of Dumbledore, before growing wings and flying to Oscar winner's heaven, but they were not normal wings, but wings made out of laser beams.
----——----
"I never understood those words," Said Twilight, sipping her coffee.
"…I don't get it..." Said the waitress, scarred for life from the horrors of the tale.
"Maybe, Matthew McConaughey is simply an extension of ourselves..." Said Twilight, deep in thought.
"You know what?" Said the waitress pony. "I'm leaving. I've had enough for today." The waitress pushed open the double doors and marched out, trying to get as much distance between her and Twilight.
As she opened the doors, a mail pony walked in, saddle bag slung across his back. "Message for Twilight Sparkle?" He said, Twilight signed her name and lifted the package out of his saddlebag. Immediately, she knew who it was from, for on the top of the box were simply the following words;
From: The Dallas Buyers Club.
She looked to the heavens, then began to shoot hotsauce out her eyes. A usual occurrence when she is happy, for this package may be what she has waited for her entire life...
