Equestrian Idiot

by Just A Fabulous Cat

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 1264

Princess Twilight Sparkle finally realizes that all of her subjects are idiots... And that she's also an idiot for not realizing it sooner.

Princess Twilight Sparkle finally realizes that all of her subjects are idiots… And that she's also an idiot for not realizing it sooner.

A gift for RainbowBob, 'sex' tag for mild implications, and edited by Wellspring

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-28 07:40:07 UTC

TO THE MOON

"...wut," was all Twilight managed to say as she watched the mind-boggling scene before her unfold.

Two stallions, a mint green pegasus and a cyan blue unicorn, were shouting back and forth in front of sugar cube corner as to which cheese was better–swiss or cheddar?–and had asked the princess to come and give her answer, threatening to sue if she didn't.

Not wanting to deal with any of that, she had obliged.

"Well, princess, isn't cheddar better!?" the unicorn asked, looking at her with pleading eyes.

"Buck cheddar, I'm all Swiss!" the pegasus spat back, glaring the now enraged unicorn.

"Oh, you little bucker-"

"You can go buck yourself with a cactus!"

"We say buck instead of f*ck for no reason!" Pinkie Pie shouted as she appeared from behind a bush, eating an apple as she watched the unicorn slap the pegasus and shout some rather nasty words.

"THAT'S TOOOOTALLY GAY!" Roseluck shouted in the distance from her flower cart.

"Oh, so maybe I am slightly attracted to Rainbow Dash and you never heard that. You wanna fight about it, punk?" Pinkie Pie retorted, outstretching her arms and puffing out her chest.

“FILLYFOOLER!”

“B*TCH!”

A pie screamed as a laser beam shot from the unicorn hit it, bringing it to life.

"PIE, MOTHERF*CKERS!"

"Ya'll sexy foals want some butter? It's freshly churned, and tasty. Mmmm, tasty butter. C'm get it, I wont bite," the local, old pedophile said.

"NINE ELEVEN WAS AWFUL!" The pie yelled, seeing as it’s previous statement got no attention.

The few ponies there stopped fighting for a moment and cheered, some even crying at the beautiful words.

But they quickly resumed their arguments.

"Because you know I'm all about that cheddar, 'bout that cheddar, no Swiss cheese!"

One thing led to another, and a whole group of ponies were arguing and blurting out things about Celestia knows what, Twilight slowly backing away to her small, purple carriage in fear.

"Yeah, I'm just going to go until things get a little less weird..."

She then bolted away to safety, slamming the door to the compartment and yelling,"RUN!" to the guards who pulled it. They wasted no time to frantically gallop off, leaving the horde of bickering, angry, and confused ponies in the dust of screeching wheels.

Panting and relieved the whole ordeal was over, Twilight stretched her wings a bit before she slumped in her chair. She made her way down the dirt roads of Ponyville in the slightly rocky carriage, enjoying the few moments of quiet and alone time she had.

"I swear to Celestia, I rule a whole bunch of idiots," she mumbled, her mind wandering off and eventually thinking about the last few 'cases' she had to deal with.

One had been about a foal getting their cutie mark, the parents deeming it to be the work of Tirek because it wasn't what they wanted. Things she truly regretted then happened, eventually leading to her having to do an exorcism on the poor filly. The ponies proceeded to feed her tacos on sticks, or whatever the buck they called those weird things in shells that they had somehow put on sticks, defying even Pinkie logic.

Twilight groaned as she walked through the whole ordeal again, rubbing her temples with her hooves as she tried to think of something soothing. But the carriage came to a halt, and Twilight huffed as she thought of dealing with another crazed pony.

"Oh great, what is it now?" Twilight asked, a guard opening the door for her as she got onto her hooves.

"A donkey complaining about how the swear ‘jackass’ is offensive and should be banned, Princess," he replied in a deep, steady voice. She sighed in turn, rolling her neck a bit before hopping down the road. She turned her head to the donkey. He was holding up a sign that said ‘you can jack "jackass" up your ass’.

"Look buddy," Twilight said, "I'm not going to go ban a swear just becaus-"

Twilight was cut off by the shrill voice of the donkey shrieking,"DEATH TO THE PRINCESS BECAUSE BUCK HER AND IT'S ALL HER DAMN FAULT AND I LIKE BURNING THINGS!"

He then let a crazy laugh escape his throat, throwing a random torch at her carriage, the whole thing bursting into flames as soon as they made contact. Twilight could only watch in horror by then as the guards fled the burning vehicle and secured the crazy mule, her brain going into shutdown mode.

Twilight.twilightisfabulousjustdealwithitbecauseyouwillneverbeasfabasher has crashed, please reboot... Or don't, I'm just a lonely piece of comedy...

"Uh, Princess?" one of the guards said, "Do you want us to, um... do something?"

Silence.

"...Princess?"

More silence.

"Princess Twilight, are you alright?"

Twilight's lower eyelid began to twitch as she took a deep breath, her brain beginning to flicker on again.

"I... you... Equestria... bucking... djlkfjnlj," Twilight djlkfjnljed, looking over to the secured donkey. And that’s when her sanity snapped. "YOU JACKASS!!!"

Twilight then turned around, walking away as she became done with everything.

"Wait Princess, what do you want us to do with him?!" A guard shouted out as he fought to keep the fidgeting donkey in place.

"Go buck him with something!"

The guards looked awkwardly over to the prisoner, who instantly stopped moving and had wide eyes.

"I'm so sorry, but we have to do this even if she wasn't serious. Here, I'll let you choose the something if that'll make you feel any better."

Twilight proceeded to trot down the road to her castle, opening the huge crystal doors with her magic while shouting,"SPIKE, GET YOUR LAZY ASS DOWN HERE AND WRITE A LETTER FOR ME!"

Normally she wouldn't be so rude, but she had the sudden urge to just kill everypony.

"J-just a second," he replied, pausing the Glee video on his computer and clearing his history.

"Spike, you better not be watching Glee! Because if you are, I'll make you listen to every. Justin. Beaver. Song. EVER."

Spike cringed at the thought, trying to think of something that an average teenage male would do to cover his secret Glee watching spree.

"I-I'm not! Just.. uh... watching... erm, mare-on-mare tentacle porn."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Get the f*ck down here now, Spike."

Celestia, who was sitting bored on her throne, suddenly saw a green mist form in front of her, a letter held with it. It then dropped onto her lap, wrapped up in a red bow. Excited to finally have something to do, she picked it up with her magic and, knowing it was from Twilight, unrolled it to read the handwriting within.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I quit. The people we rule are absolute idiots. And I'm also an idiot for not realizing how pathetically idiotic they are sooner. You might as well rename us all 'Equestrian Idiots'. It's really a fitting name for these dumb ponies.

So anyways, I quit being a princess, and have decided to move to the moon where idiots shall not exist. I will enjoy my life there, and you, your sister and my sister can rule those idiots without me. I may send letters to you and my friends, but I will most likely cut off communication with Equus so I am not infected further with your subjects' idiocy.

Your very pissed former student,

Twilight "Buck You" Sparkle

"..."

Celestia put the letter down to her lap.

"...Sister, we're going to the moon."

Sunglasses then appeared on Celestia's face as she put on her serious look, Luna squeeing in the background.

"ROOOOOOAD trip!"