Castle Complaints

by Thorax

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Nightmare Moon, Random, Discord, Princess Celestia
Length: 1058

Complaint Reports

The Vast records of complaints made throughout the castle, now public.
Enjoy.

Published 2012-04-28 20:14:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-03 02:15:10 UTC

Batch #1

The Follow complaint sheets have been gathered from the Canterlot Castle staff. Though someponys have chosen to remain anonymous all sheets are have been made public, in the hopes that these events are not repeated again.

Complaint #1
Your Name: Tictac Position in the Castle: Royal Guard
Nature of the Complaint: Theft Date: 21st of the Lunar Arc

Actual Complaint (Please be descriptive.)
During the my shift, patrolling the royal gardens. I received my orders to take my leave for Lunch, I returned to quarters to find my room ransacked and my entire supply of secrets snacks missing. I asked some of the other guards if they had seen anything unusual. However, they did not, they told me the only ones who had entered that area of the barracks were Princess Luna and you Princess Celestia. Now by no means am I accusing either of you of taking my goods. But I know one of you to did it, I shall have my vengeance.

PS. I've been well of aware of your daily theft and those weren't chocolate bars, they were dragon grade laxatives.
PSS. I regret nothing, secondly the only way to punish me is if you were to admit to the act of theft and I don't believe either of you are willing to smudge your perfect reputation over something so small.

Complaint #2
Your Name: Chocolate soufflé Position in the Castle: Head Chef
Nature of the Complaint: "Rodent Problem" Date: 21st of the Lunar Arc

Actual Complaint (Please be descriptive.)
I would like to report a large rodent infestations, or to be more precises one large rodent. Once again that blasted Lizard you see so fit to keep around has emptied my entire stock of food and cooking supplies, he even went so far as to eat all the seasonings. Once again I strongly encourage your majesty to reconsider my original plan.

Especially now, as I no longer have the required ingredients to make the feast for the dragon ambassadors. However, I have heard tales that some of the ambassadors have a strange taste for exotic meat, though I find the thought appaling I think I could make an exception. How does roasted Draconequus sound?

Complaint #3
Your Name: Drocsid Position in the Castle: Supreme Ruler Of Equestria
Nature of the Complaint: The Food was bad Date: 9̛͎̝̺̦̤̗͓̗͌͗ͪ̓͗9̼̫̰̝̬̭͔̙ͯ̐͋͌ͩ̿̓ͨ9̧̨͚̠͉̣͉̭̙͚̈̀͘9̭͔͍̘̼̐ͦ͌͠9̛̭̤̝̺̿s̟͎̭̩̮̗̭ͭ̇͌̋̏̑t̙̥̯̖̘̺̤̂͌ͅ ̨̱͓͖̘̝̥̟̫̓͑͊̏ͣ͛͛ͯo̡͛̽̓ͪ͋ͨ͂͝҉̘͕͚̬f̜̗̪͍̣̳̦ͦ͆̒ͤͯ̂͂́͠ ̨̧͍͖͙̟́ţ̠̟̦̎̂̋̏͂͜͡h̢̗̖͈̲͈̏̉̽̾͞ȩ̜̋̏͗̋̌̑ ̷̡̪̓̃̄͆ͣ̿L̄͒͐̋̐̐ͩ҉̛͖̜̬͚u̷͉͈ͭ̄̋nͣ҉̖̖å̶͍͈̩̹̝̻̖̞̋̇rͮ͆̀͛͐ͫ͗ͫ̕҉̧̮͖̫̲̗̝ ̙̭̘̥̭̿́ͣ̓͌͋͜͝͞A̲̪̰ͯ͂̃ͨ͂̉́rͪ͂̔ͨ̆͂͗̚͏̢̹͔c̪͎̔ͨ̌ͤ̽̈ͤ̚
Actual Complaint (Please be descriptive.)
My, my Celestia how you've let your tastes degrade so far. You would think after 5000 years, ponies would have figured out how to make hot ice cream and yet all I can get is this cold abomination. However, as you know I always do my best to help the little ponies. So I've taken it upon myself to clean out that grumpy ponies pantry, so he can finally fill it with proper ingredients.

Oh I do hope he enjoys it!

Complaint #4
Your Name: Past Celestia Position in the Castle: Supreme Ruler Of Equestria
Nature of the Complaint: Mock Future Me Date: 20st of the Lunar Arc

Actual Complaint (Please be descriptive.)
Dear future me
Right now I know you must be deeply confused, that's not my problem. In fact at this point in time I no longer exist, weird huh? I am leaving this note as a warning. Several hours ago, you "acquired" chocolates. Now you may be asking yourself "When did I eat chocolates?" or "Why don't I remember writing this?" The answer is quite simple really, when I finished writing this I dropped it in the complaint box and wiped our memory of yesterday evening.

Now you're asking yourself "Why" It seems the chocolates that I had acquired, were spike with foul magics. It was not until I had finished eating them that I realized something was wrong, after a quick magical sweep I realized what had been done. Somepony had seen fit to spike these innocent snacks with a form of Laxatives.

So instead of dealing with this in a normal manner I saw fit to forget the whole ordeal, and instead make you deal with it. If you followed your schedule as normal the moment you finish reading this the effects should kick in.

You have 3 minutes to find a bathroom.
Good Luck

Sincerely
Past Celestia AKA Best Celestia

Complaint #5
Your Name: Billy neighs Position in the Castle: Cleaning Crew
Nature of the Complaint: Castle Damage Date: 21st of the Lunar Arc

Actual Complaint (Please be descriptive.)

Hi! Billy Neighs here to tell you about all the trouble you have been causing.
Now your highness you know I've been working for you, for over 35 years and they've been some of the best years of my life. But now we need to talk.

Within in the past month alone, your sister and your company have managed to cause more damage to this castle then any war or riot has ever caused, allow me to list something for you.

1) Several large holes in the walls and floors. These occurred when Discord and Princess Luna saw fit to play a game of "Laser Tag" However instead of playing with the standard foals toys they decided to use Laser vision.

2) The burning down of over three fourths of the library (Twice) I understand how important it is for you and your sister to spend time together, we also understand that you enjoy things that would be considered "foals" games. However, initiating a book fort war in the library is not okay, especially when you've each gone out and hired several mercenaries. to do actual battling.

Complaint #6
Your Name: Past Celestia Position in the Castle: Supreme Ruler Of Equestria
Nature of the Complaint: Kill Him Date: 21st of the Lunar Arc

To Future Celestia, I've remembered everything from yesterday, our pain and the one who caused it.
I know this may sound horrible but you need to find a guard named "Tictac" and Banish him (Murdering is also an option, just hide the body)

Sun willing his name will bring up great fury, I hope you take solace knowing that I chose to forget this day.

(Authors Note: How does it make you feel knowing I could have written a chapter for "The Day She Dreamed of" Instead of this, OFF TO BED!)