Rarity Stuffs a Sno-Cone Up Derpy's Ass

by Star Destroyer

Rating: mature
Tags: Fluttershy, Random, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Rarity
Length: 4500

Don't worry. Twilight is determined to get to the, um... BOTTOM of this mystery. Oh... Oh, man! Oh, God! That Star Destroyer! What a card!

This story is a subtle exploration into the interpersonal pitfalls that can suddenly manifest when one friend tackles another and stuffs a frozen dessert into their rectum. Taking bits and pieces from the lessons found in such classics as Pinkie Pie's Pop-Tart Penetration, Deep in Celestia, and that titanic best seller, Cheeks and Squeaks, this tale warms the heart and stirs the mind. We may never see its like again, and that keeps me up at night.

—Pastern Withers, Professor of Pony Studies, Cambridge

This story is rated M by the ADA. I think the M is for Molars, but I'm not sure. What the hell do a bunch of dentists know about fine literature, anyway?

Published 2014-12-01 04:40:16 UTC
Last updated 2014-12-01 04:40:16 UTC

S-s-s-so c-cold!

Twilight threw another blanket around the trembling pegasus’s shoulders, then glared at her friend. “Rarity, how could you?”

Rarity hung her head. “I… Well, that is to say… Um...”

Derpy’s teeth chattered while Twilight briskly rubbed her through the blanket. “C-c-c-old—”

“Shh,” Twilight said, pressing a hoof to Derpy’s lips. “You’ve been through an ordeal, but it’s all going to be okay.”

“Forget about ‘how’,” Rainbow Dash said, scratching behind her ear. “I’d like to know ‘why.’ Then we can get to—”

Twilight shot a squinting sidelong glance over to where Rainbow leaned against a wall. “It’s the same thing.”

“No it’s not!” Rainbow said, throwing her hooves out beside her. “I mean, sure, a sno-cone would be kinda hard to get in there, but I don’t get why we’re focusing on that instead of why Rarity did it in the first place. Get your head in the game, Twilight!”

“It’s not a game!” Twilight marched up and poked Rainbow in the chest. “And if it were, I’d be winning. Asking ‘how could you’ is the same as ‘why did you.’ It’s—”

Derpy held up a shaking hoof. “Uh, g-girls—”

Twilight took the hoof in her own and gave it a few reassuring pats. “I know, I know. It’s been quite a morning, but we’re here now.”

“Twilight, ‘how’ isn’t ‘why.’ It’s just not.” Rainbow pawed at the ground, snorting. “You can’t just make stuff up. Words mean—”

“Ugh. Whatever. Rarity—Hey, come back here!” Twilight’s hoof shot out and collared the unicorn, who had taken two very small, very quiet steps toward the boutique’s front door. “Just where do you think you’re going?”

“Uh… I have an… appointment.” Rarity offered Twilight a grin that stretched a little too wide. “I’m dreadfully late. So sorry to leave in such a rush, but I’m sure you know how it is.”

“Don’t you mean why it is?” Rainbow rolled her eyes. “I guess you didn’t get the ‘how and why are the same words now’ memo either.”

“Um, there was a memo? I didn’t get one,” Fluttershy said, her head poking out from around Derpy’s posterior. She caught the pegasus’s eye and gently smiled at her. “Oh, you were probably delivering them today, weren’t you? It’s okay. We understand.”

Twilight stomped her hoof. “There wasn’t any memo!”

“Well, then how is anypony supposed to know that you changed the rules up?” Rainbow shot back. “Jeez, Twilight. I don’t want to call you a cheater, but…”

Twilight turned pointedly from Rainbow and rubbed her temple. “Rarity, could you please tell the assembled group why you did what you did?”

Sweat beaded up on Rarity’s brow. “Uh, well… fashion, of course!”

Twilight’s face slowly scrunched up as she processed that for a moment. “Huh?”

“Well, yes!” Rarity made a show of checking her coif in a nearby mirror. “It’s all the rage this year. Why, you can hardly walk down the street in Canterlot’s upscale districts without bumping into a dozen or so mares with sno-cones protruding from their nethers. I was merely helping Derpy accessorize.”

Fluttershy nodded. “That was very thoughtful, Rar—”

“Well, what about you?” Twilight said with an arched eyebrow. “How come you don’t have a sno-cone in your… um…”

“Ass,” Rainbow said, pointing to where Fluttershy had Derpy’s tail pinned up. “It’s in her—”

“Thank you, Rainbow.” Twilight replied through gritted teeth.

“Well, I don’t know what you call it!” Rainbow said, frowning. “You get all word-change-y on us, so it could be a nose to you for all we know.”

“Don’t you have some clouds to bust or something?”

Rainbow polished a hoof on her chest. “Nope. I did it all this morning! I’m here to help for the rest of the day!”

“Yes. Help.” Twilight turned back, then sighed. “Rarity…”

The unicorn stood immobile and glassy-eyed until Twilight poked her a few times in the ribs. Rarity skipped away a few steps and rubbed her side while snorting out a few giggles. “No tickling!”

“Well, quit pretending to be a dress form!” Twilight replied with a scowl. “This is serious!”

Fluttershy poked her head up again. “I think it’s more serious than you know, Twilight. This sno-cone doesn’t look like it’s melting.”

“What? How is that possible?” Twilight trotted to where Fluttershy sat hunched on a stool.

“Well, look,” Fluttershy said. Reaching in gently with a probe, she pulled back the engorged sphincter and shined her light into the cavity. “It’s been almost an hour, but it still looks really fresh. It hasn’t melted at all.”

“I’m so glad Pinkie Pie isn’t here to see this,” Twilight muttered. “Okay, Rarity. What’s the story behind—Really?!”

Rarity lay flat on the floor, her limbs splayed out in all directions and her mouth gaping.

Twilight pursed her lips and glared at the unicorn.

After a moment, Rarity sighed and rose to her hooves. “Erm… points for the attempt?”

Twilight tapped her hoof.

“Oh, don’t try to get any points out of Twilight!” Rainbow crossed her hooves tightly across her chest. “She’s winning, and—oof!”

Twilight's horn glowed. Squinting at several rolls of fabric stacked neatly on the floor, she selected the one with the busiest pattern casually wrapped several yards of it around Rainbow. “You’d score more points by coming clean and explaining yourself.”

Rarity bit her lip, then perked up. “I was attempting to take a bite of the sno-cone, but I missed!”

Twilight arched her eyebrow. “Try again.”

“Sweetie Belle did it!”

“No.”

“I-I’m a changeling! The real Rarity has been locked away in a closet for months, and… and furthermore, I can only retrieve her if unaccompanied, um… because—”

“No!” Twilight’s wings flared. “Rarity, what’s gotten into you?”

Rainbow wiggled her head out of the pile of fabric. “More like, ‘What’s she putting into other ponies?’”

“Oh, I know what it is,” Fluttershy said, her ears perked up. “It’s a sno-cone.”

Twilight stomped a hoof. “You guys!”

Both Fluttershy and Rainbow blinked for several seconds.

“What?” Rainbow finally asked.

Rolling her eyes, Twilight turned back to Rarity. “Do I need to call for the mayor?”

Rarity’s shoulders slumped. “No.”

“Well, out with it, then!”

“S-so… c-c-c-cold…” Derpy said, her nose running.

Fluttershy pulled her large picnic basket closer to where she sat. “Twilight, I really do think I ought to try.”

“Fluttershy…”

“Just look at how cold she is! There’s nothing that a good bowl of soup won’t cure.”

Twilight rubbed her temple more vigorously. “Fine. Feed her the soup, but she’s just going to get cold again.”

“Oh, I’m not going to feed it to her.” Fluttershy pulled out a funnel and wedged it in between the sno-cone and the sphincter wall. “Now, this might sting just a tiny bit, but that’s just the salt. You’ll feel better in no time at all.”

Rainbow kicked away the last of the cloth. “Is this why that bear’s always walking funny?”

“Harry’s got a condition.” Fluttershy eyed the funnel, then pressed it in more firmly. “He gets a little bit grouchy about his weekly soup enema, but he’s still a good boy.”

“If we can get back to the subject at hoof—Aha!” Twilight jumped to her hooves and pointed at Rarity.

The unicorn, who hadn’t moved, raised her eyebrows.

“Oh, I just figured…” Twilight’s face was rapidly reddening. “Nevermind. Tell us why.”

Rarity drew a few small circles on the showroom floor with her hoof. “You want to know?”

Twilight nodded vigorously “Yes!”

“Really?”

“Yes!”

Rarity took a deep, steadying breath. “I… I’m a serial dessert assailant!”

Twilight’s eyes flew wide. The bowl in Fluttershy’s hooves froze just above the funnel. Rainbow’s brow furrowed. Derpy’s teeth chattered.

“Uh… what?” Twilight finally said.

Rarity covered her eyes with her hooves. “I-I don’t know how it got so out of control. At first, it was just some little thing. A lark. We had those leftover marshmallows when Applejack and I stayed at yours during that awful storm.” Rarity swallowed hard. “I was the one that stuffed them up Applejack’s nose.”

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “What? But you said Applejack did that in her sleep, and that you tried desperately to stop her.”

Rarity bit her lip. “Well, yes. I-I suppose I did, and it was true. Except for the part where Applejack was sleepwalking and put marshmallows up her nose. And that I tried to stop her.”

Twilight squinted at Rarity for a moment. “Okay, what else?”

“Well, do you remember when that big cake mysteriously fell on the mayor during her inaugural address?”

Fluttershy’s hoof flew to her mouth. “That was you?”

Rarity hung her head, then nodded.

“But we thought Pinkie did that!” Twilight said, throwing her hooves out beside her. “And you just let us?”

“I was, uh, generously allowing Pinkie to take credit,” Rarity replied with a forced chuckle.

Rainbow shook her head. “You know what, Rarity? This is pretty weird.”

Rarity laid the back of her hoof against her forehead. “I know. I didn’t ask for this glamorous and mysterious eccentricity. It’s hopelessly alluring, but I continue to struggle against it.”

“Pinkie, that better not be you in there,” Twilight said as she rubbed a hoof over Rarity’s chest, feeling for a zipper. “If this is another one of your costumes—”

Rarity swatted the hoof away. “Pinkie? Why the very idea!”

“What do you mean ‘the very idea’?” Twilight pointed to where the cone protruded from Derpy’s ass. “Who else would attack ponies with dessert?”

“Well certainly not Pinkie Pie,” Rarity said in an overly patient tone. “She’d eat the desserts.”

Rainbow stared up at the ceiling momentarily before nodding. “She’s kinda got a point, Twilight.”

“Eating dessert is really more of a Pinkie thing,” Fluttershy said while fishing out a pair of forceps from her bag.

“Yes, I know! But what about—” Twilight closed her eyes and silently counted for a moment “—Okay, whatever. You’re not Pinkie. So—”

Derpy’s plaintive whimpering blossomed into a startled squawk as Fluttershy yanked on the forceps.

Fluttershy’s hooves flew to her mouth. “I’m so sorry, Derpy. I-I thought it would come right out if I could get a better grip. Twilight, I think I’m going to need something to lubricate this.”

Rainbow screwed her face up and scratched her mane. “So why come it isn’t melting, Rarity?”

“Getting old, Rainbow,” Twilight said through gritted teeth.

“Actually, I’d like to know that, too, if you don’t mind,” Fluttershy added.

Derpy looked from Twilight to Fluttershy and back again. “Um—”

“We know,” Twilight said while she rubbed Derpy’s shoulders. “We’re trying as hard as we can, and this will be over before you know it. Rarity, if you please.”

The unicorn took a deep breath, then exhaled slowly. “Do you really want to—”

“Rarity!”

“Okay, okay! Don’t make a scene, Twilight.” Rarity motioned for them all to sit. “It… might take some time.”

Rainbow threw her leg around her friend’s shoulder. “Stay strong.”

Derpy whimpered, then the room fell silent.

Frowning, Twilight cleared her throat.

The room fell silent again.

“Well?” Twilight cried, throwing her hooves into the air.

Rarity’s brow furrowed. “Well what?”

“Well, are you going to tell us or not?!”

“Oh, did you have the time? I certainly didn’t want to intrude on any schedules.” Rarity opened a nearby desk drawer and pulled out a bulging day planner. Licking the tip of her hoof, she skimmed through the pages. “And speaking of schedules, it seems that I’m running a bit late for—”

A cracking bolt of energy erupted from the tip of Twilight’s horn and slammed into the book. In the blink of an eye, it shot up to the ceiling and stuck there.

“Nothing I couldn’t cancel!” Rarity said in a rush. “Okay, where was I?”

Rainbow pointed to a spot on the floor just in front of where Rarity currently stood. “You were right there, but then Twilight’s magic made you jump out of—”

Twilight threw a hoof over Rainbow’s mouth. “You were just about to tell us all why this sno-cone isn’t melting!”

“Please…” Derpy said in a very small voice.

Rarity sighed and patted Derpy on the head. “Don’t fret, darling. I won’t leave any of the juicy details out.” After motioning for them all to sit, Rarity cleared her throat. “The truth is… my sewing machine told me to do it.”

Twilight shot to her hooves. “Rarity, for the love of Celestia, would you—”

“On my honor as a lady, I swear it’s true!” Rarity held her hooves up to fend off her friend’s growing anger. “When company is around, I usually call it my ‘inspiration’ or ‘creativity’, but just after getting my cutie mark, a thirty-foot sewing machine with silver wings, surrounded by a chorus of cherubic foals and bathed in the most glorious of light, started to visit me. It whispers things into my ears. The most beautiful, wonderful things. Twilight, how could my mind see this intense beauty and not do everything in its power to bring it to fruition?” Rarity clenched a hoof. “Why, it would be a crime against art!”

Twilight pointed to where the cone stick out of her friend’s rump. “Art? Does this look like art to you?”

“Well, true art is often only appreciated by the later generations,” Rarity replied with a sniff. “I don’t blame any of you for your narrowness, but come over here where I’m standing, and let the light from the window there illuminate it just—”

Rainbow gasped. “Hey, you know what? I think I see it! It looks just like a sno-cone stuffed up—”

“Seriously, Rarity?!” Twilight’s teeth creaked as she slowly ground her jaws. “We’re supposed to believe that a giant flying sewing machine has been telling you what to do this whole time?”

Rarity arched an eyebrow while looking Twilight up and down. “You’re one to talk! You have a giant winged pony bathed in shining light that tells you what to do.”

“What? Celestia does not—”

“Ooh, good one!” Rainbow pulled out a small notebook and made a mark. “Point to Rarity!”

Fluttershy’s head poked up over Derpy’s rump again. “Who’s winning?”

“I dunno,” Rainbow replied, scratching behind her ear with her pencil. “Twilight just makes rules up as—Hey!”

A second purple bolt hit the notebook, and it joined Rarity’s day planner on the ceiling. Scowling, Rainbow flew up and pried at it, but the notebook was stuck fast.

“Okay. Giant sewing machine that whispers thoughts directly into your mind. Got it.” Twilight rolled her eyes, then sat once more. “How does that get us to where we are now?”

Rarity’s eyes slid out of focus, and a dreamy smile inched its way across her face. “Bobbin shows me the most spectacular things. Your gala dresses were inspired by some of the things he said to me.” Rarity paused for a moment, frowning. “But it’s such a crime against artistic vision to see something beautiful wither and fade. My dessert creations would come into full bloom for but a moment.” Tears welling, Rarity’s voice caught in her throat. “I j-just couldn’t bear it any longer! Equestria was crying out for my pièce de résistance!”

“Hey, how does that big sewing machine get in your boutique, anyway?” Rainbow said between labored gasps. She was still tugging at the notebook with all of her might.

Rarity tilted her head to the side. “Why, he ducks, of course. How else would he manage?”

“Moving on,” Twilight growled as she rubbed her temple a little harder. “So did you sneak a spellbook out of my room or something?”

Rarity’s eyes widened, and her hoof flew to her chest. “Sneak into your room? Certainly not!”

“Oh, right. That would be crossing the line,” Twilight said, rolling her eyes.

“I trust that you’re all familiar with the legend of the blueberry-flavored syrup fountain that lies at the heart of the Everfreeze Forest? The one that grants eternal youth to frozen desserts?”

Rainbow’s ears perked up. “Oh, yeah!”

“Certainly,” Fluttershy replied as she attached a small vacuum tube to the end of the sno-cone.

Twilight gave the unicorn a flat stare. “Oh, come on, Rarity! There’s no fountain of syrup in the Everfree Forest.”

“Not the Everfree Forest,” Rarity said, over-enunciating. “The Everfreeze Forest. It’s just to the west.”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed.

“You know, the one with all the snow?” Rarity made a circle in the air with her hoof between them, hoping to prompt the alicorn along.

Fluttershy stopped tugging on the hose for a moment. “Twilight, it’s where winter goes when we wrap it up each year.”

“Give it up, you guys! It’s hopeless.” Rainbow landed, then threw a hoof around Twilight’s shoulders and gave the alicorn a little shake. “You’re good at lots of stuff, Twilight, but looking west isn’t one of them.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Twilight shot back.

“Huh?” Rainbow’s scrunched up as she tried to follow. “Just what it sounds like. You’re really bad at looking west. Are you sure you’re ahead? It doesn’t seem like you could be winning.”

“I am not!”

Rainbow’s wings flared, and she punched a hoof into the air. “Ha! See, you guys? I told you she didn’t have more points than me!”

Twilight slapped a hoof over her face. “No! I’m not bad at looking west!”

“Oh, really,” Rainbow said with an arched eyebrow. “Prove it.”

“Fine!” Twilight turned and stared extra hard at the wall. “Happy now?”

Rainbow sighed and shook her head. “That’s north.”

Twilight whirled. “Okay, there! West.”

“I’m so sorry, Twilight,” Fluttershy said hesitantly, “but that’s southeast.”

Rarity trotted to the other side of the room, then held up a hoof. “This is west, darling.”

Twilight strained to follow, and beads of sweat broke out on her brow. Gritting her teeth, she forced her body to turn, inch by inch. “See? I can… totally… face—”

“Rarity, are you in there?” A shadow bounced back and forth in front of the window. “I can’t find anypony today!”

“Oh, no! It’s—AAAH!” Twilight's body snapped back around so quickly that she lost her balance and tumbled into an armoire. Several seconds of frantic thumping followed before the alicorn fell out again, partially dressed in three different outfits.

“Twilight, what are we going to do with you?” Rarity said as she trotted over to the entangled mare. “I’ve spoken to you about mixing patterns. It’s to be avoid—”

“Shh!” Twilight leapt forward and pressed her hoof against Rarity’s mouth. “Quiet, everypony!” she hissed. “If Pinkie hears us, this is going to get weird. Well, more weird.”

Pinkie banged on the door again. “Rarity! It smells like sno-cones in there. Blueberry ones! You guys aren’t having a yummy, totally delicious, blueberry-flavored party in there without me,—” Pinkie’s voice dropped down into a low growl “—are you?”

The five ponies huddled together, shivering. Pinkie’s hooves blocked the light that shone through the small crack under the door. As she paced, the shadow swept across the threshold like a reaping blade. In the tense silence, Twilight’s loud swallow sounded like a cannon firing, and they all screamed.

“A-ha!” Pinkie cried through the keyhole. “I knew it! Open up and fork over those sno-cones! Mama’s got a serious jones.”

“Pinkie, it’s not what you think!” Twilight said, piling a bureau and several chairs in front of the door. “It’s a medical emergency!”

The scrambling sounds of hoof on wooden door ceased. “You have sick sno-cones in there?” The scraping began again, with increasing intensity. “Aw, come on! I’m practically a Ph.D when it comes to what makes yummy stuff tick! Didn’t I fix up that pie you burned the other day? You gotta let me in!”

“Darling, I’d love to have you in, really, but, um…” Rarity’s head swiveled while she search the room for inspiration. “The lock is broken, and, uh, I just mopped, so—”

“That’s okay, I wiped my hooves.”

The five ponies all jumped and screamed again. Pinkie joined in a moment later, then trotted in place. “Ooh! Ooh! Let’s do it again! I’ll start!”

The air around Pinkie shimmered with purple energy. “Pinkie, how—”

“The back door, silly!” Pinkie hopped in place. “It had lots less stuff in front of it. Rarity, I think that’s your lock problem right there! Can we go back to the screaming? That’s super fun right before eating.”

“No! This is difficult enough without screaming,” Twilight said while depositing her friend several steps away.

“Well, you started it, Twi—wait!” Pinkie’s nostrils flared. “I don’t smell any sick sno-cones. I smell a really, really healthy one.” Her hooves slid across the polished floor as she strained against Twilight’s magic. “It’s coming from… Derpy!”

Twilight slapped a hoof across her forehead. “Oh, dear.”

Pinkie’s eyes dilated, and her mouth fell open. “Derpy, you’ve…” Pinkie pointed with a trembling hoof. “You’ve… you’ve got…”

“Yes, we know, Pinkie,” Twilight said, shaking her head. “We’ve been trying—”

“Derps, come on!” Pinkie threw her hooves out wide. “Look, I know they’re super scrummerific and all, but you gotta chew! If you eat it all at once, it’s gonna get stuck coming out! You’re just lucky the pointy end’s coming through first.” Pinkie stopped for a moment, putting a hoof to her chin. “Why come you girls don’t just wait for it to melt?”

Twilight frowned and rubbed the aching area between her eyes. “‘How come’, Pinkie, and—”

“Oh, now it matters?!” Rainbow said, hooves on her hips.

“Ugh! No, Rainbow, it doesn’t!” Twilight yanked the notepad off the ceiling and made several marks on it. “See? A million points to you. You’re winning now, so feel free to use all the wrong words you can manage.”

Rainbow pumped a hoof. “Yes!”

“Are they wrong?” Pinkie twisted her head around in a circle to follow Twilight’s eyes. “Hayseed Turniptruck said that when he came by Sugarcube Corner to pick up a bunch of bear claws the other day. I just figured it was the new style, like that word style manual thingy that you have in your room that you use to tell us we don’t write stuff right.”

Fluttershy frowned and dropped her eyes to the floor. “I really wish you’d stop selling those awful things, Pinkie.”

“But they’re not really made from bear claws!”

Fluttershy scuffed a hoof against the polished tile. “Well, I’m sure yours aren’t, but what about some unscrupulous baker in another town. Who knows why many poor, pawless bears are crawling around in Equestria these—”

“Girls!” Twilight said, waving her hooves over her head to get their attention again. “One thing at a time! We have to figure out how to remove this sno-cone before Derpy gets hypothermia.”

Pinkie’s brow furrowed. “It’ll melt, Twi. I should know. I tried to make a sno-cone casserole a few weeks ago, and it was all soupy. Never again. You should just wait.”

“Nope, not this time!” Rainbow tapped the protruding cone with a hoof, earning a startled squeak from her violently shivering friend. “Rarity put some sort of special magic syrup on this sno-cone, and now…” Rainbow squinted at Twilight, who was making exaggerated shushing motions behind Pinkie. “Are you feeling okay, Twilight?”

Pinkie gasped, then leapt for Rarity. Grabbing the unicorn by the shoulders, Pinkie shook her back and forth. “Are you telling me that you found the Fountain of Eternal Yum?!” She released Rarity, who flew with a small scream into a pile of fabric. “We gotta get that thing out of there, Twilight, and I’m just the mare to do it!”

Twilight put a restraining hoof on the advancing Pinkie’s chest, pushing her away. “You can’t have it, Pinkie!”

Pinkie stopped long enough to give her friend a puzzled stare. “Huh? Why? Or is it ‘how?’”

Rainbow shrugged. “Nopony knows anymore.”

Twilight looked away for a moment, pursing her lips. “Well… because it’s unsanitary.”

Pinkie’s eyes widened, shimmering with unshed tears, and her lower lip trembled. “I’ll wash it off!”

“And it’s… it’s unstudied magic!” Twilight nodded to herself. “We have no idea what the long term effects could be.”

“I’ll risk it!”

“No, Pinkie! We have to—”

Pinkie pointed out the window. “Well, let’s just ask Princess Celestia, then.”

“Celestia’s here?” Twilight craned her neck to follow.

Pinkie dove around Twilight, shooting straight for the shivering pegasus. “Nope, but you could still ask next time you see her. One side, Flutters!” Pinkie knocked Fluttershy out of the way with a hip check. “A-ha! I see the problem, Derpy! It looks like somepony’s shoved a sno-cone up your butt. We’ve all been there.” Rubbing her chin, Pinkie scrutinized the tools in Fluttershy’s medical bag. “Hmmmm. We’re gonna need something more powerful. Luckily, I’ve sucked up the thickest of milkshakes through the thinnest of straws! I’ll have this out in a jiffy!”

Lunging in, Pinkie glued her mouth to Derpy’s ass and started to suck.

Rainbow covered her mouth with a hoof, fighting back her rising gorge. Twilight buried her head beneath a pile of pillows. Rarity fainted.

Derpy’s eyes flew wide, and she tried to take to the air, but Pinkie hooked her hooves around the pegasus’s rear legs and dragged her back to the ground. Pinkie’s head was beginning to show the strain of the pressure differential. Both ears had retracted into her skull, and her eyes and temples had sunken to dangerous depths.

Fluttershy reached out with a tentative hoof. “Pinkie, I don’t think you should—”

Pinkie and Derpy flew apart with a deafening pop. The pegasus shot up into the ceiling and caught in Rarity’s chandelier, where she hung, trembling. Pinkie tumbled end over end, bowling through Rainbow, Fluttershy, and Rarity before finally landing in a heap on top of Twilight’s pile of pillows. She grinned as she sucked on the sno-cone.

“Oh, gross,” Rainbow said, sticking out her tongue.

“Wha’?” Pinkie mumbled from around the dessert, her eyes wide and innocent. “It’s ’ood!”

Twilight looked away, shivering. “Bleh. Well, at least that’s done. Rarity, we need to go see—”

A banana cream pie splatted into Twilight face.

“An artistic triumph! They’ll be talking about it for years to come!” Rarity cried as she fled to the west.

Pinkie and Rainbow both stood in front of the smoldering alicorn. For a moment, they squinted, then tilted their heads to one side, then the other. Finally, they both nodded.

“Yup,” Rainbow said, ripping the paper from her notebook and thrusting it into Twilight’s hoof. “You can check the score, but I’m pretty sure you lost.”

Pinkie removed the sno-cone just long enough to lick the side of Twilight’s face. “But at least defeat’s never tasted so sweet!”

Author's Note

I'd like to dedicate this story to my pal, RainbowBob. Many of you probably know, but for those of you that don't, he was in a car accident and was pretty badly hurt. He was on my mind when I wrote this, and I hope he got a laugh or two out of it.