Horrible Puns Ahead; Turn Back Now
Twilight had started the day as she would any other. She had woken up, brushed her teeth, showered, ate breakfast with a good book, and overall had a wonderful day. It had been a very normal, average morning. The afternoon had started off very average as well. She had some tea and was reading once again. It was her day off, after all, and it had been proving to be very relaxing.
That is, until a very unrelaxing interruption in the form of a draconequus decided to barge right through her bedroom door.
Twilight screamed. Discord screamed. Wilhelm screamed, far off in the distance. Lots of screaming happened. If Twilight weren’t so surprised, she probably would have gone to her schedule and have realized that there certainly wasn’t time for screaming in her day. No sirree - screaming wasn’t relaxing, and it was her day off. And yet, scream she did, and scream he did, and scream whoever Wilhelm was did.
“Discord,” Twilight shouted, ushering the plot along. “What are you doing here?”
“Oh woe is me,” Discord said, lounging against the door frame. “You see, Twilight Sparkle, I’ve accidently found myself in quite the issue-” as he said the last phrase, his body became dotted, almost like those comic books Spike always read. Discord grumbled under his breath and continued. “I accidently cursed myself, and now I can’t stop saying bad puns!”
“Bad puns?”
He sighed as he snapped his claw, suddenly transforming into a bit of seaweed. “I just can’t kelp myself, it seems…”
Twilight groaned at the pun as Discord changed himself back. “Can’t you just… I dunno… Stop?”
“I can’t stop, Twilight! I need your help to get rid of this curse and to lift my spirits.” Discord coughed as a ghost of his former self suddenly burst forth through his mouth, holding a bottle of wine. “Oh… Well, don’t mind if I do, I suppose.” With a slightly shaking paw, he uncorked the bottle and poured it into a glass. “Thank you kindly.”
“How’d you know my name was Kindly,” the ghost asked before guffawing and disappearing in a burst of smoke. Discord groaned and smacked his face. Twilight did the same.
“Okay, yeah, we’ve got to fix this,” Twilight said, closing her book. “These are too painful.”
“Oh, thank you, Twilight! You have no idea how much of a pain in the rear end thi- OW!!”
Twilight rolled her eyes as Discord rubbed his tush. “C’mon. If anypony knows about curses, it’s Zecora.”
Discord grumbled under his breath. “Let’s go see the witch doctor then.”
Twilight glanced at Discord. Was he… suddenly very superly attractive? And why did she have the urge to say ‘Oo ee oo ah ah’ like a monkey? She shook her head of such thoughts and trotted outside. This was one dumb curse.
*~*~*~
Discord groaned again as he shuffled his way through some trees. “I swear, if I had an axe…” He reached his claw up to move away some branches, only to find a bottle of stallion’s body spray and deodorant. “... This is getting ridiculous.”
“You’re telling me,” Twilight said as she trudged through the forest. “I’m here at the brunt end of all those awful jokes. I just hope Zecora knows a cure…”
“How much do you think that Zebra can do?”
“Ils peuvent soutenir beaucoup, si vous attachez-les assez serré autour de votre poitrine,” Twilight said as though it were nothing as Discord screeched, tearing the Prench lingerie off of his body. Twilight did chuckle lightly at that one - at least he was feeling some pain in all this as well. She smiled as she cleared the next bend. “There’s her cabin.”
Discord shuddered as he flew up next to her. “She lives there? The decorations look peculiar… Probably have more bark than bite, though.”
Twilight glanced at him, and then it hit her. Her house was a tree. “Oh god… You’ve moved to one liners.”
Discord’s eyes widened. “!@#$%,” he shouted, a single black line forming over his mouth. He saw it for the brief moment it was there. His eye twitched. “*BLEEP*ing great! Just *BLEEP*ing fantastic! Visual AND *BLEEP*ing verbal punnage going on now. This is *BLEEP*ing murder of all that is *BLEEP*ing fantastic in this Celestia freaking *BLEEP*ed *BLEEP*y - *BLEEP* mother *BLEEP*ing world of technicolor *BLEEP*ing pony weirdos!” He panted in rage as his eyes twitched.
Twilight held back a snort of laughter. While at first it had been ridiculously annoying, it was starting to get rather funny. Discord glared at her, but said nothing. She turned to the door and knocked.
Zecora opened the door, glancing at the two of them. “I do not think my eyes deceive; the Lord of Chaos, a cure to receive?”
Discord scoffed. “Great, a poet. If she walked backwards, would she speak inverse?” Twilight thought about it for a moment before facehoofing. That one was really bad.
Zecora nodded, glancing at him. “A familiar ailment, this is indeed; Come, oh God; I have what you need.”
Discord sighed, massaging his temples. The priests inside complained greatly about him touching something so sacred, but with how splitting his headache was right now (he could swear his head was split by the grand canyon at this point, by a pencil no less), he could care less. He shook his head to try and clear away the puns and walked inside. Once his side hit the door, however, he walked into the room. Once he hit that, he simply asked Twilight to escort him in. Then, after Twilight was done sensually gazing at him, he retracted that statement and managed to find a way inside after many many more failed attempts.
Zecora simply watched with an amused gaze as he finally dragged himself towards the cauldron. “Please Tell me you can fix this,” he said while dodging an arrow that somehow managed to hit an apple on a shelf nearby. Zecora chuckled as he simply rolled his eyes.
“I can fix the dilemma you have at paw; with one simple potion, you will cry hurrah!”
“You’re a poet and we all know it, can we move on,” he said bluntly, resisting the urge to light himself on fire and get everyone high.
“You must simply wait while I make the cure; until that time, you must endure. My home, perhaps, is no place to wait; these potions, to your curse, are just verbal bait.”
Discord glanced around and nodded. “I think you’re right,” he said. As he did, Zecora suddenly fell to the right, hitting the ground with a thump. He groaned. “Sorry,” he said quickly. “I can’t control this very well.” Cans labeled 'T' rained down from above, but only above his head, and all disappearing as they hit the ground.
“We’ll wait in the library,” Twilight said quickly, teleporting them both to her house.
Zecora chuckled as she stood again, rubbing her right cheek. “Those two foals will be in for some fun, while I try to make this potion, and get it all done.”
*~*~*~
Discord shoved his face into a pillow. Twilight wasn’t quite sure if he was trying to suffocate himself or not. She gently patted his back. “Y’know, Discord, I am a bit confused. I would think you of all people would enjoy this little curse. You love chaos, and this seems so… well, chaotic!”
He lifted his head and stared at her with a grim face. “Nobody likes puns,” he said. “Not even Cadavers.”
Twilight snorted as he shoved his face back into the pillow. “What sort of curse is this anyways? How did you come across it?”
He sighed and sat up again, rubbing his head. “Well, I was reading a book, and I found a lovely prank to pull on Celestia. I attempted to cast it, but the book didn’t like hospitals.” He stopped for a moment and shook his head. “I did the spell, but I forgot the bee.” He stopped again and groaned, hitting his head against the backboard of the bed.
Twilight sighed, smiling. “You cast a spell on Princess Celestia, or tried to. What was the spell about?”
“I wanted her to make a foal out of herself; she would be adorable as a little filly.” He blushed and covered his mouth, groaning again.
Twilight couldn’t help but laugh. “So you wanted to make her look ridiculous. I take it the spell had to do with excessive puns?”
“It was a spell called ‘Make ‘Em Laugh’. I figured it would be a funny little prank, but my math was off.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “It backfired, and now you’re stuck like this.”
“Speaking of stuck,” he said, “do you know how a piano, tuna and glue are all related?” Twilight tilted her head. This didn’t sound like a pun… She shook her head lightly. “You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna.”
“What about the glue?”
Discord sighed, completely full of regret and distaste. “I knew you’d get stuck there.”
“Seems you’ve moved to jokes.”
“No, I’ve moved to your library.”
Twilight’s eyes widened. “Oh god, those sound like the jokes Dad used to tell me.” She groaned. “Now I’m getting annoyed again.”
“Hi getting annoyed again! I’m Discord!”
She groaned louder. This was going to be a long night.
*~*~*~
Zecora knocked lightly on Twilight’s door around 11 at night. It had taken her far longer than she had hoped to get the potion finished. The two of them had come to her around 5. She hoped she wasn’t too late. “Twilight Sparkle,” she said, “I come bearing gifts; Come out, please, with your draconequus!”
Slowly but surely the door opened, and a very tired, very annoyed Twilight opened the door. Her hair was frayed, and her eyes had bags under them. Literal bags; plastic bags hung around her body. “Tell me,” she said in a voice dark as all death in Equestria, “that you brought the cure.”
Zecora chuckled nervously. “The potion you seek is held in my pouch; take in that small comfort, and no longer slouch.” Twilight chuckled tiredly, before scowling again as something poked her. Zecora glanced behind her to see a long measuring tape poking her repeatedly in the flank. She followed the measurements to see a very bored draconequus holding it. “Might I ask, what’s this task?”
“I’m…” He sighed. “I’m measuring her patience.”
Zecora’s face fell. “I had no idea it was this bad; take this, now, before you drive her mad!”
Discord wasted no time in swooping over quickly, grabbing the potion she offered and gulping it down. He smiled in relief as warmth flooded him. He felt rejuvenated, positively amazing. “What was in that potion,” he exclaimed.
“A special drink, I must confess; to find it all, I was hard pressed. To finish off the entire brew, the tears of ponies I had to view.”
“Tears? Why?”
“The final ingredient, though you don’t need tons: a couple of tears after hearing ones puns!” Zecora couldn’t help but chuckle. “But now I leave thee both alone; Call me if of my cures you need a loan.” Zecora turned and left, smiling.
Discord sighed in relief as he shook out his body. “I feel so much better!”
Twilight smiled. “I’m glad. You should get back to Canterlot, though; Celestia might be worried.”
Discord chuckled. “Oh, I wouldn’t be so worried about that myself… In fact, staying away from Canterlot might be best for me now.”
“Oh?”
“I never quite told you the full story…”
*~*~*~
Celestia groaned as her sister knocked again on her door. “Tia? Please, let me in! I’m worried about you!”
Celestia muttered the dreaded words softly; Luna could only hear it through her acute hearing. “Tia? What was that? What did you say?”
Luna heard it far clearer the next time, but it didn’t help any. In fact, it made her somewhat confused.
“Hi ‘worried about you’. I’m Celestia.”
Author's Note
A little idea that came to my head after a bad pun in Animal Crossing: New Leaf (I can't KELP myself. UGH.) Just a funny little quip.
