Author's Note
Crackfic inbound.
Uh....
We all know of the red and black alicorn cliche. All-powerful, royal blood, and all that shit. Maybe evil, just for the sake of death and rape and whatnot. Woos the mares and has kids...well, what if the alicorn failed in that last aspect?
We’re about to find out.
Our tale starts on the typical cliché day that a new pony arrives in Ponyville. Lots of new ponies arrive in Ponyville all the time; just ask said new arrivals. Oh, I think I see over yonder a pegasus with copper wings bearing steel joints and an SS Officer uniform. Oh, I think I see Foxfire on the roof of a house, drunk off her gourd.
But, one of the new arrivals catches the eye of everypony, including the aforementioned drunk foxicorn. This one was half Celestia’s height, coat black as night marred in blood red stripes akin to either scars or a zebra. Wings with bat-like joints and membranes spread wide as he inhaled the fresh afternoon air. He had five horns on his head, three unicorn horns and two caribou antlers, also crimson in hue. Additional horns came out of his legs, which had holes in their frames. His electric blue mane contrasted him greatly, as did his neon green tail (and before anyone complains, Foxfire has a mismatch too, so shut up.)
His eyes were turquoise, his pupils cat-like. The cutie mark, I hear you ask? A pentagram with Fluttershy singing in front of it....well, ‘yaying’ being the more correct term. The whole thing also formed a heart. Don’t ask me how that works, I’m just the narrator, people. And I’m certainly not the one who had the bright idea of creating this alicorn; I’m only here to chronicle his cliche day, as cliche as it gets.
Anyway, he inhaled the fresh afternoon air as ponies from all walks of life--and, indeed, pretty much every universe imagined in the minds of mortals--gawked at him as he made his cliche grand entrance within town limits.
“Citizens of Ponyville!” Cried the alicorn, his voice deep and mighty and most undeniably charming. Ugh, why did I agree to this again? “I have come here bringing great news!”
“What is it? Spit it out!” Cried the stallion in the SS Uniform. His red eyes flashed with wonder.
“I have defeated the evil that is Tirek and Chrysalis’ child, and have also restored the Elements of Harmony with my element!” The alicorn answered, holding up a tiara similar to that of Twilight Sparkle’s, though its gem bore a pentagram of deepest crimson. Typical. “Behold, the Element of Love!”
The crowd went wild with excitement. Even the pony who looked like he should be in Auschwitz joined in, though one wasn’t so easily amused.
“The Element of Love? Dafuq are you smoking?” Cried a female voice, raspy and irritated in tone. “I already know someone with that Element, and a handful of others, so I wanna know where you got yours!”
The crowd gasped, all turning around behind them to find that the drunken, stumbling Foxfire was behind them.
And she was not amused.
The alicorn smirked. “So, we have the infamous chimera who’s done more wrongs than Genghis Khan.” He said nonchalantly.
“Crock of horseshit.” Foxfire replied, tripping over her hooves.
“Ignore her, she’s of no importance to the plot.” The alicorn scoffed, causing the crowd to turn to him in a heartbeat and resume their fanfare. Mares ran up to him asking him out left and right, and some stallions even turned gay for him on the spot. To reiterate, don’t ask me how that works.
One mare even suggested a public orgy right in town square to celebrate the supposed defeat of Chrysalis and Tirek’s child, some cliche hybrid bloke who wanted nothing more than to destroy what Discord couldn’t.
“Yes! That’s an excellent suggestion!” Cried the alicorn. “Come, follow Bloodhoof Shadowmoon to the town hall!” He declared. Walking dramatically as the crowd parted, he paused just as he was about to pass Foxfire, who had passed out. He kicked her in the gut, the crowd going wild in cheer, before resuming his Soviet Union-style march to the town hall.
Inside the town hall, which was packed with basically everybody and their mother--I don’t know how that works, stop asking--with Bloodhoof standing on the stage, effortlessly on his back legs no less.
“Show us your dick!” The mares and gay stallions cheered. Bloodhoof was more than eager to oblige.
“First mare or stallion to get to me will have the taste of my 30-inch dick!” He exclaimed, and then and there, the whole town hall erupted into a battle royale, mares and stallions alike fighting tooth and nail to get to him. Because he could, he sat back in a lawn chair and produced a bowl of popcorn.
Of course, because she’s the town bicycle, Rainbow Dash managed to get to him first, on account of her sheer speed because she’s an adrenalin junkie or something. She pulled Bloodhoof into a kiss, a deep loving one complete with a duel of the tongues.
Everyone froze, all eyes turned to watch the act. Several tense minutes passed, but they noticed something off about the act: namely, Bloodhoof didn’t seem to get hard at all, when he should be by now.
Rainbow pulled away, a brow arched. “Why don’t I feel your dick poking me yet?” She asked.
Almost immediately, Bloodhoof began to sweat profusely, as if he’d just been working out. His teeth chattered, his eyes widened, and he couldn’t answer.
“Something wrong?” Rainbow asked, blinking. The town hall was deathly silent--at least, until the SS pony came onto the stage to assess what was awry.
“Rainbow, ya might want to see the goods.” He said, his voice stern. Rainbow did as told, and she almost immediately gawked at what she saw. His dick, which he boasted to have been thirty or so inches, was only a measly one inch in length and even smaller in diameter at best.
In short, Bloodhoof not only lied his ass off, but his dick wasn’t even half of what he boasted. His testicles fared no better. If anything, the whole set was grapes and a baby carrot.
The SS pony turned to the stage. “We have here a liar! A swindler!” He declared, pointing an accusing hoof at Bloodhoof.
“A liar?!” The others cried, all eyes wide and jaws hanging open.
“Yes! In fact, I doubt he can wield the Element of Love!” The stallion replied.
Just then, with no warning, Foxfire barged in, drunk as ever. “What in hell happened?!” She asked, completely unaware of what was happening on stage.
The SS pony sighed and shook his head. “We have a liar!” He repeated.
The drunk foxicorn stumbled past the crowd, clumsily making her way to the stage. She looked at Bloodhoof and was able to quickly detect why he was accused of lying. She chuckled, she giggled, and then she broke out into mad laughter worthy of Discord on meth. “You serious?!” She jeered.
Bloodhoof shook, unable to avoid judgement now. He was being looked at by everybody in the hall, and they all joined in Foxfire’s mad gigglefit. Soon the whole crowd chanted “Microdick! Microdick!” over and over again as if they were a cacophony of broken record players possessed by Satan. Soon, thanks to his own shame and torment, Bloodhoof was driven out of Ponyville and never heard from again.
And life went to normal for Ponyville, as normal as one visited by all beings from every universe imagined in the minds of mortals. It was later discovered Bloodhoof not only lied about his dick, but also lied about besting Tirek and Chrysalis’ child and restoring the Elements of Harmony. His own element was a cardboard cutout, and his shame grew much too great for even a perfect, tragic, cliche alicorn like him to bear. He killed himself by self-banishment to Tartarus.
And everypony rejoiced.