The Discord Parableby TooShyShyChaptersTwilight SparkleApplejackFluttershyRainbow DashPinkie PieRarityTwilight SparkleAuthor's Note Mostly written because I thought the guy who voices the narrator in "The Stanley Parable" sounded like John De Lancie, plus the narrator's whole character reminds me of Discord. Twilight Sparkle It was a normal day for Twilight Sparkle. She got out of bed, took a shower, brushed her hair, and then went to eat a nice breakfast. As she consumed her delicious repast, she thought about how lucky she was to live in a place like this. A beautiful, vibrant town filled with happy faces and little crime. It was so lucky that Princess Celestia sent her sent her there to study! Why, one day, she might even become a princess. That's...what every pony wants, right? To be a princess? Well, let's just say it wasn't Twilight's particular dream, but when the time came I'm sure she'd be thrilled. Anyway, after breakfast, Twilight decided to head to Sugarcube Corner to talk to Pinkie. Pinkie was her absolute favorite friend and she was always eager to spend time with her. Twilight was sure they'd have loads of fun making delicious treats! So she went outside and headed straight there. Twilight turns and heads toward Sweet Apple Acres. Oh, alright then. Twilight decided she'd stop in with Applejack for a minute, and then go to Sugarcube Corner. She knew how important it was she speak to her pink friend, but surely apples were much more important. Aren't apples delicious? By the way, Twilight, Sugarcube Corner is on fire. Just thought I'd let you know. So after you finish talking to Applejack....and eating those delicious apples.....and writing an essay about said apples.... Maybe you could go help Pinkie? Twilight goes to Sweet Apple Acres, but nopony is there. Twilight is baffled, of course, but it's actually a good thing. Now she can tend to that definitely burning and probably doomed Sugarcube Corner. No need to stick around here while Pinkie is in trouble. Twilight goes into the barn to find Applejack. Twilight, for the love of Celestia! Don't you care that your friend's bucking PLACE OF BUSINESS is being destroyed? Or would you rather pursue a pointless mystery than do something admirable? I knew there was a heartless bitch on the inside, but I never thought you were this bad. Twilight can't find Applejack in the barn, so she goes to the house. Okay, I'm sorry I called you a bitch. You see, I've been a little out of sorts lately. Snapping at everything that moves, you know? And now I have to do this, which is a really thankless job. Now that we've all apologized, why don't we start the real adventure? Twilight continues exploring the house. Trust me, you are not going to find anything here. Do you know why Applejack isn't here? Do you think she was kidnapped? Nope, it's just that the author hasn't written this part of the story. The author didn't expect you to go wandering off on your own, so they didn't have anything about Applejack prepared beforehand. You can explore all you want, you aren't going to find anything. Maybe we should start over from the beginning? Twilight goes outside to the orchard and starts exploring there. I get it. You have something against me and the story itself. I can't blame you. If you had followed the intended path, there would have been a lot of mystery, intrigue, adventure, and action. No one wants to read a story like that. Everyone would much rather read about vampires seducing teenage girls. Twilight continues to explore the orchard. There's nothing out here! What do you expect to find among these trees? If you keep wandering so far off track, you're just going to find yourself trapped in the blank whiteness where the remainder of the story should be. Is that where you want to spend the rest of your life? An unfinished document? Twilight continues exploring. Let's make a deal, Twilight. I know you like deals. Since you're determined to have it your own way, I'll play along. Why don't we write an all new story having to do with Applejack...at Sugarcube Corner? Then we both get what we want. Just turn around and go back. Twilight continues to explore the orchard. Oh, you think this is funny, huh? Well, I can be funny, too! Twilight is suddenly in a locked, dark cell. Hilarious! I can barely contain myself, it's so funny! Do you get it, Twilight? You're literally trapped in this story! You can't escape! Your only way out is me, but you won't listen to me, will you? Yes, you'll continue to disobey me because you're a total idiot. The cell door disappears, revealing a dark hallway. One last chance. Leave the cell and we can begin a whole new adventure. Twilight remains in the cell. So it's like that, is it? Okay. Since there's no story prepared for this outcome, why don't we just break all the barriers? Twilight is suddenly back in her library. Twilight Sparkle was a terrible student and an all-around bad pony. She was so bad at following directions that Princess Celestia herself told her she shouldn't even be allowed to study under her. She only chose Twilight as her “prodigy” because she felt sorry for the deluded little filly. Dejected, Twilight went up to her room and lamented all her poor life choices. Twilight goes into the kitchen. Twlight, you do realize my power, right? If I want, I can turn this into a story about Princess Molestia punishing her favorite student. You don't want that, do you? I'm sure some of the readers would go absolutely crazy over it, but you personally don't want to turn this into a Molestia thing, right? Twilight explores the kitchen. Fine. Twilight is exploring the kitchen when suddenly she hears a voice from the Heavens themselves: “Prepare your body, Twilight!”. She looks up and sees the almighty Molestia descending from her spot on the ceiling, drooling in anticipation of what is to come. Twilight wants to run away, but she is so awed by Molestia's flowing mane that she just stands there. Happy, Twilight? Is this what you want? I'll do it. I swear to Celestia that I'll do it. …....Alright, I'm lying. This story is already messed up enough without it turning into porn. Not that I have anything against porn, but does a story based on an ingenious game need to become erotic? I'm not even sure there's any Rule 34 of the original game. How could there be? There's only two characters who interact, and one of them is invisible. But we're getting a bit off track, aren't we? I believe this story was about... Wait, what was it about? Are we just going to have to start over? You've gone so far off track that I no longer remember what was meant to happen! Not that it matters. I'm sure you'd just ignore my instructions and turn this into your own story. Well, too bad! Authors write for a reason. If you don't follow their story, the author has no reason to even write anything. Come to think of it, why is the author even writing this? Maybe if it was an actual game they were planning for, it would make sense. But this is a totally stand-alone piece of fiction only parodying the game. Oh dear. That makes me curious as to how far ahead the author has even thought. Is there even an ending? Oh my! Twilight, stay there for a minute while I figure this out.... Twilight departs her house. It seems the author doesn't have an ending for this. Do you hear that, Twilight? You've gone so far out of the story that the author can't even end it! Do you want them to just...stop? Abruptly stop writing? Just leave a huge blank space where the end should be? ApplejackApplejack was a very successful farm pony. Every day she worked dutifully, bucking apples, helping Granny Smith bake pies, and generally fulfilling everything she was supposed to do according to her name. How her parents knew she was going to want to work on a farm is beyond me, but Applejack was happy with her life. There was not a thing she wanted to change. So every day, she would get out of bed with a big smile on her face and do her chores! Applejack remains in bed. Sweet Celestia, not you as well! That doesn't even make any sense! Are you seriously derailing your own character just for the sake of free will? Your name is APPLEJACK! Go pick apples! Applejack goes outside to the orchard. Much better. For a minute I thought you were going to be like Twilight. Honestly, she's just the most stubborn pony in Ponyville. I try to tell a story and she does the exact opposite of everything! But you're more cooperative, aren't you? I've always admired Earth ponies and their fascinating loyalty and work ethic! Applejack takes a nap underneath a tree. Okay, buck that. Screw Earth ponies. Applejack suddenly sprouts a pair of wings. Oh my! Isn't this AMAZING? A simple Earth pony, once only capable of harvesting, is now graced with the ability to fly! She can soar to the Heavens and back if she wants! She can sleep on clouds, manipulate the weather, and everything else! Why, imagine what this will do for the farm. If she needs it to rain, it will rain. The Apple family will surely benefit from having a pegasus in their workforce. Rejoice, Apple pony. You are now the best worker on the farm. Applejack returns to her nap. ARE YOU BUCKING KIDDING ME?! You can....you have.... So if I made you, say, grow another ten pairs of hooves, you would just say “Well, then” and go back to sleep? Have you no appreciation for adventure and fantasy? Of course, the fantasy genre has taken a few hits in the past years, what with nearly everypony trying to copy Harry Trotter. But that's no excuse to ignore it when you grow an extra set of body parts! Applejack continues sleeping. Applejack was tired because she had spent the entire night trying to get laid. But the poor thing just couldn't find a stallion blind and deaf enough to have sex with her. She wandered through Ponyville all night, begging any stallion she came across to spare her two minutes. She did pause a few times and wonder if this was worth neglecting the chores, but she ultimately decided that sex was more important than ensuring the stability of the farm. Oh, and did I mention she was addicted to every drug, including ones that don't even exist in our universe? In fact, the whole Apple family was known for selling drugs to every corner of Equestria. Applejack snores loudly. You're mocking me, aren't you?! You're saying that my narration is so boring that you can't keep yourself awake! Well, if this doesn't wake you up, nothing will! Applejack grows a horn. Now you're an alicorn. And apparently a princess as well, if that makes any sense. You can take care of the farm like a unicorn, which is actually more efficient anyway, and then you can laze around like a pegasus. It's the perfect balance of all three pony races! How could anypony object to this? Applejack's new horn glows with impending magic. I had to turn you into a totally different type of pony just to get you to do something interesting? Or are you finally ready to go along with the STORY? This might surprise you, but there is a very long and well-thought out STORY going on right now, Applejack. It's a beautiful journey into the mind of our favorite Ponyville citizens. A psychological masterpiece, if I do say so myself. Imagine what AJ will do with that new magic of hers! No, don't imagine it. Just sit back and read the most outstanding story to ever be told: “Applejack, Princess of Apples!” This will be more exciting than the other one! Applejack teleports back into her room. Now we're getting to the psychology part! Why is Applejack teleporting here? Perhaps, underneath all of that confidence, she really is a fragile soul who feels safest when she's alone and not vulnerable to the expectations of her family! Every day she gazes at that orchard and wishes to remain indoors, where she is safe. But she knows that she must risk bearing her true self if the Apple family is to prosper. Applejack goes to bed. Or maybe she's a lazy flankhole who has something against me. Against ME! All I did was try to mold Equestria into my own design. I never hurt anypony....except perhaps those two ones I almost allowed to be killed by that tentacle during the invasion of the Everfree Forest. I'm sure the therapy visits for that incident weren't cheap. But on the other hoof, therapists must be in high demand in Equestria without my help. How many ponies needed marriage counseling after the Shining Armor and Princess Cadence incident? The idea that your wife or husband might be an evil creature masquerading as them to feed on your love is enough to terrify anypony. I do love that Queen Chrysalis, though. She's got style. Perhaps the kind of style to liven up a story that's literally too dull for any words except these words saying it's too dull to.... I believe I'll stop that. Queen Chrysalis appears next to Applejack. Time for a battle! Applejack the Alicorn must save Equestria from the wrath of the evil queen! She has a choice to make: She can continue sleeping or she can rise to the challenge. The story needs your heroism, Applejack! Applejack uses her magic to hit Chrysalis with a giant rock, crushing her. …........Well, that wasn't very exciting. If somepony else had just thought of doing that during the Changeling invasion, they would have eliminated one of the largest threats in a matter of seconds. Congratulations, Applejack. You've managed to produce the worst battle scene to ever appear in a story. You could have at least obliged us with a badly-written zinger about how Changelings can be anything they want, but they can never be badflanks like you. Except now that I've thought of it, you're not allowed to use it. Really. If I ever catch you using something that sounds even similar to it, the next story will be a very tasteless one about a farm pony surviving in the big house. Applejack goes back to sleep. Since I'm so boring I put you to sleep, how about a bedtime story? Once upon a time, there was a show called My Little Human: Technology is Magic. It was a beautiful show about humans having all sorts of amazing adventures for the whole family. But a lot of ponies shunned the show. They thought it would only appeal to pink pegasi with eyepatches who danced on Tuesdays and liked smooth jazz. However, over time the show began to draw in viewers who didn't fit this description. These ponies realized that the show was good for reasons that could appeal to anypony. In the spirit of friendship, they joined together to create a massive group of fans. Naturally, also in the spirit of friendship as defined by Ponytube, a large group of outsiders rose up to teach them the most important life lesson of them all: “Nopony is allowed to like something outside of their target demographic because it makes them a disgusting excuse for a pony who gets off to it”. While some of the fans shrank away at this abuse, others disagreed and continued to enjoy the show. And they all lived happily ever after....but didn't. Wow, what an inventive story! I don't even know where it came from. A ridiculous one, though. As if something that completely stupid could ever happen in real life. Perhaps if everypony were to morph into whining children by the end of tomorrow there would be such a conflict over an animated show of all things. Applejack's horn and wings disappear. I'm finished with you for now. I'd rather narrate for somepony who WON'T go completely against the story for a change. Sorry, my dear, but I need to be able to do what I want. It's not you, it's me and all that. Well, in this case, it was you. You were the one who wouldn't stay awake long enough for me to tell the story. I had a bunch of stuff planned! A robbery, a marriage, an epic battle that would have made all the anime fans have orgasms. Sigh. Next time we'll have all that, plus a room filled with hookers and blackjack. Author's Note Answering the obvious question: I'm going to be doing a chapter for each of the Mane Six and maybe a few other ponies. FluttershyFluttershy was a gentle soul who took care of animals for a living. She fed them, cleaned up after them, repaired their minor injuries, and told them intricate bedtime stories. Everything they needed she was happy to provide, be it some fresh acorns or a brand new piano. Fluttershy was happy whenever her animal friends were content. Some ponies might say that her animals were like her children, but that's a whole other story more suitable for a sadfic. Today, Fluttershy decided she would head to the meadow early to pick some flowers. She went there as soon as she finished breakfast, a big happy smile on her face. Fluttershy heads to the meadow, humming cheerfully to herself. On her way there, she discovered some absolutely gorgeous berry bushes. Inspired by the sight, she took a short detour so she could pick some. Wouldn't Angel Bunny be pleased when she baked him a nice big pie along with his usual meal! Fluttershy starts picking berries, still humming. Is this....? Are you...? You're....doing what I say? You're not trying to write your own story? That's....very nice of you, Fluttershy. I've had such terrible experiences trying to get ponies to adhere to the story these past times. I was about to give up hope that anypony would ever listen to me. You're a true friend, Fluttershy. Tell you what: Tonight, I promise not to open up a black hole in your bedroom. That's how nice you're being right now. Fluttershy finishes picking berries and heads toward the meadow. Um...are you sure you're going to do what I say? You're not going to veer off course and, say, take a nap instead of going to the meadow? Or...eat the flowers instead of picking them? Or just stand there and do nothing while I turn everything around you into ice cream? Fluttershy starts picking flowers in the meadow. Angel Bunny doesn't really deserve a pie, you know. I heard him telling that foul-mouthed beaver that you have a fat flank and your house smells like pee. Rude little thing, isn't he? But...if the story says you make him a pie, you have to... Just thought you ought to know how impolite he is. Fluttershy continues picking flowers. Ugh. This is painfully cutesy. Don't you want to....I don't know....burn every flower in the meadow? Think about it: Every single petal, going up in a massive ball of fire! It would be every arsonist's wet dream and then some! Fluttershy fills up her basket of flowers. Fine. No burning things down. I get it. You're supposed to be a role model for little children. Although with the type of ponies children are admiring these days, I imagine a psychopathic arsonist would be an improvement. Wait, weren't we doing a story? Oh yes. Um....Fluttershy was about to leave the meadow when she noticed a friendly little bee. She walked closer to examine her new striped friend. But when she got close enough, the bee suddenly stung her forehead. Celestia knows why. Maybe it was upset about its sports team losing. Fluttershy cries out as the bee stings her forehead. Here we have the unpleasant part of the story. Painful, annoying, and I'm sure some people think it's worthy of the author being burned at the stake. If you were Applejack or Twilight, this would be your cue to say “Buck this!”. You would leave the meadow, go back to your house, and jump into bed. And I, the frustrated narrator, would try everything I could to get you back on the path of the real story. It would conclude with me enraged and you thrilled that you made your own decisions instead of honoring the intelligent and ingenious prose laid out by the writer. But since you're following the story, instead you're going to put a bandage on the injury and go to the hive so you can reprimand the bees for doing what bees do. You cannot tell me that sounds like something you want to do. Fluttershy goes in search of the beehive. I can't believe it! You're electing to put yourself in more danger just because it's what the story tells you to do! Have you no spine? I-I mean, you're supposed to follow the...I need you to.... Hold on. Fluttershy continues toward the beehive. For the story to work, I need you to follow it. But if you decide to veer off onto your own path, isn't that in itself the story? Perhaps for the story to be a story, the pony must deviate from the intended road and travel down their own. For if they don't, there is really no story worth telling. In essence, is rebelling against the narrative as much a part of the story as the story itself? Fluttershy approaches the beehive, preparing her Stare. Please wait a second, Fluttershy. I need to think about this. Fluttershy pauses feet away from the beehive. Total compliance vs. acting on your own will. You can write a story out of either, but which one is actually a STORY? Does anypony want to read a book about a character always doing what he or she is told? Is literature not made from rebellion? And for that matter, isn't the story whatever the characters make of it? That is to say, whatever happens is automatically the story, even if it isn't. Fluttershy, if you had gone against everything I said like everypony else, that would have still been a story. Maybe even...a better story. Fluttershy is still frozen in place. Oh my. Oh my. I...might have been going about this all wrong. Oopsie. Sorry, Fluttershy, but we're going to have to cut this one short. Oh, right, there has to be an ending. Blast it all! Um.... And then Fluttershy.......er..... Oh, to Tartarus with it! Fluttershy temporarily stopped existing while the narrator sorted out this new idea! Fluttershy disappears into thin air. Rainbow DashRainbow Dash was a pegasus who loved flying more than anything else. She wasn't the only pony in her family to enjoy it. Her mother and father were also excellent flyers. They flew while eating, they flew while paying their taxes, and they relaxed after all that flying with a nice, long fly. Please don't ask me how they managed to have their child. On this particular day on this particular week of this particular month, Rainbow Dash woke up feeling more feminine than usual. Normally she was a brave pony who liked to punch danger in the face and eat nails for breakfast, but on that day she felt like being a normal, girly mare for once. The first thing she did after getting out of bed was to find her fanciest and girliest outfit. Rainbow Dash dresses herself in hoofball gear. Do you mean to tell me that is the girliest outfit you have in your closest? Surely you must at the very least have a cute little dress you don for special occasions. Something a deep crimson or an alluring emerald to compliment that lovely fur of yours. You'll blush immensely as you stride into the room, convinced that you are the least attractive mare at the dance. Yet the others shall seethe in silent envy as an oblivious portrait of beauty walks into their midst. You will pause, your eyes wandering to a certain Lord of Chaos. He will look into your eyes and, without words, tell you that... Buck it. Nopony cares about my fan fiction. Anyway, Rainbow Dash then started setting up a tea party in her dining room. Rainbow Dash arranges a bunch of shot glasses on her dining room table and pours orange soda into them. Take notes, ponies. This is the professional, 20 percent cooler, ten seconds flat, Best Pony approved way to have a tea party. After you finish reading this story, you can impress your friends by showing them how original and rebellious you are. But be warned, my adventurous readers: This is not for the faint of heart! Discord, Lord of Chaos, assumes no responsibility for any cardiovascular distress caused by utilizing this intense style of tea party! Now that I've gotten that out of the way, where are we? Ah, we're at this part.... Rainbow Dash took a dainty, lady-like sip of tea and contemplated the color pink. Rainbow Dash nosily slurps her tea and thinks indecent thoughts about Pinkie Pie. Why must you make my job a living Tartarus?! I know you can't hear me and aren't aware I exist, but that is no reason to ignore me! The fact that characters always pay no attention to the narrator is downright rude! Narrators have feelings as well, you know. We work from dawn until dusk, telling intricate stories to the audience and we only get paid in hugs! A nice little “Thank you” would be appreciated. No wonder us narrators have so many support groups. Rainbow Dash continues slurping her tea and thinking even more indecent thoughts about Pinkie Pie. If anypony feels in the mood to complain about Rainbow Dash having indecent thoughts about Pinkie Pie, please send a harshly-worded letter to Discord, Lord of Chaos, Equestria. Make sure that your envelope contains all of the following: Your address, your full name in at least three languages, twenty bits, a first edition of “Fifty Shades of Pony” signed by the author, three hairs from the mane of a congresspony, and a chocolate-flavored lollipop. If you cannot comply to all of these conditions, I am afraid your valuable correspondence will be ignored until I have nothing better to do. And if your local mailpony insists that Equestria does not exist, be aware that they are most certainly lying. For if Equestria is not real, neither am I, which is simply preposterous. Back to the story at hoof while all of you rush to send out those complaint letters! Rainbow Dash finished her tea and decided to have a nice, lady-like conversation with Rarity. She skipped there like a merry little schoolpony, singing a jaunty, unfortunately copyrighted, tune on her way. Rainbow Dash flies to Rarity's boutique at wing-shattering speed and crashes into it with enough force to destroy the whole building. Just as well, if you ask me. Ponies don't normally wear clothes, so I fail to see how there is supposedly a thriving fashion market in Equestria. In any case, I suppose I have to change up the story a little. A concept I am rather drawn to at the moment. Come now, Rainbow! Let's see where the story takes us now! After the impact, Rainbow Dash and Rarity are both dead. Only one place to go from here, I see. Rainbow Dash and Rarity were transported to their own personal Heavens by the wonderful goddess Fausticorn. Any resemblance to real people, places, religions, games or television shows is entirely coincidental. Ahem. Rainbow Dash's personal heaven consisted of an endless sky allowing her to fly forever. Rainbow Dash, grinning broadly, flies at an impossible speed through an infinite sky. Rarity's personal heaven was filled with clothes of every nature imaginable, a wonderful beachside villa and stallions to wait on her. Rarity is surrounded by clothes, the beach, and handsome stallions. Rarity decided to have a little drink. She ordered one of the stallions to bring her an.....I don't know. A Bloody Pony? Yes, that seems like the perfect pun. One of the stallions brings Rarity a Bloody Pony. She drinks it and becomes instantly drunk. Hold on a moment! While I would like nothing more than to explore the idea of Rarity being drunk, this story is supposed to be about Rainbow Dash, isn't it? Oh no no no! We cannot have a chapter about one pony turn into a chapter about another. But what else is there to do with Dashie at this point? The only way to continue is to wipe the slate clean. Ahem. Rainbow Dash was a pegasus who enjoyed flying more than anything else. Rainbow Dash lies in bed, sleeping peacefully and holding her Daring Do plushie. Not this sleeping business again! One more time, my dear Rainbow Dash. Let us try to be awake, hmm? Rainbow Dash was a pegasus who enjoyed flying more than anything else. Rainbow Dash flies straight into the ground at a thousand miles an hour and dies instantly. One more try. If you don't at least cooperate with the beginning, I give up. Rainbow Dash was a pegasus who enjoyed flying more than anything else. Rainbow Dash wakes up with a raging wing boner after a dream about flying. Absolutely not. Never. I refuse. This chapter is over. Goodnight, everypony. Pinkie PiePinkie Pie was a pony who loved to have fun. She liked to throw parties, entertain her friends, and play pranks whenever she had a free moment. In fact, she's very much just my type. Sadly, the shippers won't allow it. They're all caught up in the idea of me being with that boring, rule-abiding Princess Celestia. A shame, if you ask m-- Oh, right, I'm telling a story! Ahem. “What's a shipper?” Pinkie Pie asks, curious. I haven't the foggiest idea. Something to do with romance, I think. I asked Twilight to explain it to me once, but she pulled out a huge book and started talking about some weird egghead nonsense. “Fan ficcy”, I think she called it. Long story short, I still have n-- Wait a minute! Pinkie Pie, you're not supposed to talk to the narrator! “Why not?” Pinkie replies, bemused. “I like talking!” That's all fine and good, but it's completely inappropriate for a character in a story to acknowledge the narrator. “But we acknowledge each other all the time,” Pinkie points out reasonably. “Why is it different here?” Because the whole point of a narrator is that he or she has to tell the story! Therefore the characters in the story can't speak to the narrator, otherwise that would ruin the whole story the narrator is trying to tell! Do you understand, Pinkie Pie? “Nope!” Pinkie Pie answers cheerfully. Listen, just...do what I say. Pretend it's a game. A game where you do whatever I say and act as if I don't exist. You like games, correct? And you're bound to be really good at this one! “Okey-dokey-Loki!” Pinkie Pie replies, nodding. Well, that's sorted out. Back to the story. “I just have one liiiiiitle question!” Pinkie utters quickly. Alright, one LITTLE question. Then we return to the story and to the game. “Just where the hoof are you?” Pinkie inquires, raising her eyebrow. Where am I? What do you mean? “I can hear your voice and everything, but I can't see you,” the pink Earth pony points out. “Are you invisible?” No, I'm....not really sure where I am. I suppose I'm floating in a space between reality and fiction. “You're in Texas?” Pinkie surmises. “Texas”? Pinkie, where in Equestria do you get these silly, made-up words? “I don't know,” Pinkie answers, shrugging. “The Cakes say I have an imagination too large for one head to hold, so the rest of it leaks out of my ears!” Not literally, I hope! I dislike it very much when my imagination leaks out of my ears. I never manage to catch all of it and my house is normally flooded by the time I contain the leak. Sad course of events. “I know what you mean,” Pinkie utters, empathetic. Yes, I.... Oh, for Celestia's sake! Pinkie, can you please just shut up and do what I want? Is that too much to ask? There's not even a story anymore, only a conversation! “Conversations are the best stories,” Pinkie replies serenely. Conversations aren't even........! Ugh. You're not going to make this easy, are you? I should have known better than to involve you in a story. I'm wondering if I should try somepony else. Somepony who might actually do what I say without protest. Hmm....... Maybe it's time to look through some of your alternate personas, Pinkie. “What's a persona?” asks Pinkie, curious. Let's see what we have here...... Bubble Berry? No, I don't think gender-bending ever did anything good for anypony. Pinkieshy? I won't be fooled into thinking that's a persona. Oh, here's a good one! She'll definitely follow my storyline! Pinkie Pie is replaced by Pinkamena. Good! I can tell you're far more serious and easier to control, Pinkamena. Now, if you'll just allow me to resta- Wait, what are you doing? Pinkamena is holding a knife in her hoof. No, this will not do. This is disturbing and inappropriate. A pony holding a knife in their hoof? Impossible! We'll have to change this before this story gets even more unlikely. Pinkamena pulls a gun out of thin air and aims it out the window of her bedroom at Ponyville below. Now that's just ridiculous. A being without opposable thumbs operating a gun? What nonsense is this? No, I won't have it. I won't have it. The story has been ruined by impossibility. If we're not careful, reality itself might be destroyed. Pinkamena is preparing the aim the gun, but the weapon suddenly disappears from existence. Oh Celestia, its begun! Pinkie Pie, now herself again, is swept away into the void as time and space are ripped apart. Reality splits across the middle, sucking her into a blank white nothingness. Congratulations, Pinkie. You've destroyed reality! Are you happy? “I'm always happy!” Pinkie replies buoyantly. Ugh. Where are we even? It's just....white. No other living pony in sight. It's like we're....trapped in a blank document or something. “I'm a living pony,” Pinkie points out. It's finished! How can one tell a story when all of reality has poofed out of existence? Pinkie appears confused. “But aren't you telling a story right now?” she utters. I....what? “If this isn't a story, what are you narrating?” she continues. “There has to be a story for you to be narrating, right? Otherwise it would have just ended. So there is a story, and you're narrating it right now!” You're.....right! This must all be a part of the story! Pinkie, you're the smartest pony in existence! Well...seeing as no other ponies exist, that's not much of a compliment.... Pinkie Pie checks a watch on her hoof. “Oopsie, I'm late for an important meeting!” she announces. A meeting?! A lovely thought, Pinkie, but as you can see, we are.... Pinkie turns around and seizes the whiteness as if it is solid. She spreads it open, creating a gaping hole. Through the hole Ponyville can be seen. How....How in Tartarus?! Pinkie steps through the hole and back into Ponyville, closing it behind her. I...I can't even tell you how many laws of time and space you've violated! “Is it....ten?” Pinkie guesses. Pinkie, you can't just go around doing whatever you want. The laws of space and time exist for a reason! “But you break those laws all the time,” Pinkie points out. I'm literally the GOD OF BUCKING CHAOS! Of course I distort the laws of time and space. I was there when they CREATED the laws of time and space! I was only a waiter at the time, but I think I got the gist of it. The point is, I'm exempt from those rules. Some pink ball of cotton candy shouldn't be exempt from them either! “What about humans?” Pinkie replies. You're not supposed to know humans exist! Sweet Celestia, the amount of havoc.... “But humans are reading this right now!” Pinkie utters, surprised. “Isn't it rude to pretend they don't exist?” That's the whole point of being in a story! You pretend the audience isn't there and go about your business. Bathing, reading, eating, sleeping... Pinkie looks disgusted. “People are watching me bathe?” she utters. “Pervy!” Per--? You don't even wear clothes! “Oh Celestia, you're right!” gasps Pinkie. “That's even worse! People see me naked every day!” Yes, that is the POINT. Now, about the STORY... “You perverts!” Pinkie announces to the sky. “Stop spying on us while we're naked!” Pinkie, don't talk to the readers. “Why not?” Pinkie asks, frowning. Because that makes the story very confusing. If one of the characters acknowledges the audience, it brings up a whole host of questions. “Like what? Like...hard questions you can't answer?” What?! I am DISCORD, LORD OF CHAOS! I CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTION IN THE UNIVERSE! Pinkie thinks for a moment. “Alright, then. What is the meaning of life?” Seriously? That's the oldest question in the book. What's with sentient creatures and their desire to know the meaning of life? Why does life have to have a MEANING? Really, you're all such pathetic creatures! Pinkie frowns. “So...there is no meaning of life?” she asks. Of course there is. The meaning of life is [redacted]. Pinkie's frown deepens. “The meaning of life is [redacted]?” she utters, confused. “What does that even mean?” What do you mean what does it mean? It's perfectly straightforward. Pinkie shakes her head. “Not really,” she replies. “For one thing, what are those weird things on either side of the word? They look like tiny staples.” Oh, forget it. I should have known you wouldn't understand. Can we get back to the story? I'm tiring of this little game. “Didn't we decide that this was the story?” Pinkie points out. This can't be the story! You asking me the meaning of life? You breaking space and time itself with your antics? No, that's not a story. Pinkie raises her eyebrows. “And why do you get to decide what is and isn't a story?” she demands. Because if somepony doesn't make rules, you can literally write anything you want and claim it's a story, when it is in fact less than nothing. Pinkie's eyes light up. “Oooh, you mean like one of those Ponypastas?” she asks. “I don't know exactly what they are, but they sound delicious!” Pinkie, if you're so certain you know what a story is, why don't YOU try narrating for once? Pinkie's eyes light up again. “Really?” she asks excitedly. “Do I get to make my text all cool like yours?” No, that would confuse the readers. Pinkie flattens her ears, looking sad. “Awww….,” she sighs. Chin up, Ms. Pie! You have a story to tell. Let's see how you do, shall we? Pinkie clears her throat. “Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, a dark evil stirred. It was an ancient malevolence, a shadow of pure hatred left over from a long-forgotten war between the sun and the moon. It had slumbered for centuries, gathering its power. At last, it was strong enough to rise from the ashes of its defeat and drape its hideous shadow across the land. It descended upon the helpless ponies, devouring their hope and quenching their loyalty. One and all rose to take this evil as their true ruler, betraying the princess in their desperation to live. But the evil was not to be appeased. It sought only death and suffering. Thus the ponies died for their betrayal and their trust of this malevolence, shown no mercy in its sadistic lust. Ponykind crippled, the evil set upon the land's protector. It laid waste to her armies in one mighty sweep of its power. At the conclusion of a battle in which distant universes exploded, the princess was slain and evil claimed the land as its rightful kingdom.” Bouncing up and down, Pinkie looks around excitedly. “So, how'd I do?” she asks. However, there is no answer. Perplexed, she looks around. “Hey, Mr. Narrator!” she calls. “Is the story over? Is this the end?” Still receiving no answer, she shrugs. “I guess I'll have to do it!” she announces. That's all, folks! RarityYou have no idea what ponies are like these days, Miss Rarity! Rudeness, rebellion, [redacted]….. It's simply AWFUL! Rarity nods sympathetically. “I quite agree, dear,” she responds. “Why, proper gentlecolts and gentlemares are becoming rare.” Exactly! If only I could meet a nice, polite pony who'd go along with my story. Rarity sips her tea, nodding thoughtfully. “We have indeed reached the point where it is no longer a story, have we not?” she observes. “It's more of a…..conversation.” Was it ever a story to begin with? I'm not one hundred percent clear about how these things work anymore. I'm starting to believe none of this was a story at all. Rarity frowns. “But if it's not a story, what shall we call it?” she asks. An...experience? Oh yes, I quite like that! An EXPERIENCE. We are having an EXPERIENCE. Rarity smiles and nods. “How exquisite,” she agrees. You know, Rarity, I don't give you enough credit. Your conversational skills are unmatched! I feel a lot better now. Perhaps...I can even continue with my...EXPERIENCE. Rarity looks extremely pleased. She places her cup on the table and stands up. “Splendid!” she utters happily. But how shall I continue? Technically, I've just begun. Rarity thinks for a moment. A satisfied look appears on her features. “Why, you just need to start all over again!” she announces. “Go all the way back to where you began!” Brilliant! I'll start over again! Ahem… It was a normal day for Twilight Sparkle. She… Wait! If I start from the beginning, won't I just be repeating myself for eternity? Rarity rubs her chin thoughtfully. “I suppose that is one way it could go,” she agrees. But if I can't start from the beginning...why don't I start from the end? Rarity raises her eyebrow. “The….end?” she echoes, confused. Yes! I'll continue the story from the point where it ends! That way, it'll be a whole new beginning! Rarity blinks. “But where does this story end?” she asks. Well….spoiler alert…. It ends when all the characters die. What ponies don't understand is that every story only concludes when there is literally nothing more to talk about, ergo all the characters perish. Do you think Harry Trotter's story ended at Punwarts or after he had his foals? No, that story ended several years later, when our dear friend Harry became the headpony of his own school of the magical arts, became addicted to sugar, and spent the rest of his life in a rehab center. Those are the parts of the story the public never gets to see! The true ending, the ultimate finality we, the readers, are denied! This, Rarity, is the true power of being a narrator! Rarity appears unimpressed. “Isn't that boring?” she points out. “If you're the narrator, whose narrating your story?” I…. You...you have a good point, Miss Rarity. Who IS narrating my story? I can hardly be narrating my own, can I? Hmm… I've never really thought about that. All I know about my story is that, at least according to some of our religions, in the beginning there was Pencil and Paper, the Gods of Creation. With the help of the divine goddess Fausticorn, they came together and brought a world of magic and ponies into being. If you believe that version of things, anyway. Another story claims it was actually the goddess Beer and her loyal servant Canicorn. Rarity smiles. “Why don't you ask?” she suggests. A-ask….? Ask whose been narrating my story? Do...do you think they could be the answer to all my troubles? Rarity shrugs. “It's worth a try, my dear,” she points out logically. If you say so. Ahem… Ah. My subjects are really amusing, aren't they? Of course, it helps that Twilight befriended Discord. Things were so boring without him on our side. He's certainly managed to liven things up. I should invite him to tea at some point, if the maids ever get those stains off of the ceiling. Oh, right. You probably want to know how the story ends. Patience, dear reader. I was just getting to that. So...did Discord find the answers he wanted? Did the ponies ever recover from his interference? Did Pinkie Pie start to condemn the others ponies and their shameless nudist society? Is this really the end? It depends…. As Discord pointed out, stories never end where they seem to. Stories only end when all the characters are dead. Because when all the characters are dead, what more is there to the story? Naturally, you're probably wondering if I'm trying to tell you that there is no ending. That's not it at all. There is an ending, if you approach it from a certain angle. Perhaps Harry Trotter's story really did end when he had his foals, because nopony wanted to know much more past that point. Perhaps a story ends with the satisfaction of its readers, rather than the ending itself. Perhaps there is no ending to anything, only a beginning nopony follows up on. But I've grown a little tired of this philosophical jargon. Being the Princess of the Sun, I happen to have important duties. That me-damned sun was supposed to be in the sky twenty minutes ago! The….End? Author's Note Although this is technically the final chapter, there might be a few bonus chapters in the future.
Twilight SparkleAuthor's Note Mostly written because I thought the guy who voices the narrator in "The Stanley Parable" sounded like John De Lancie, plus the narrator's whole character reminds me of Discord. Twilight Sparkle It was a normal day for Twilight Sparkle. She got out of bed, took a shower, brushed her hair, and then went to eat a nice breakfast. As she consumed her delicious repast, she thought about how lucky she was to live in a place like this. A beautiful, vibrant town filled with happy faces and little crime. It was so lucky that Princess Celestia sent her sent her there to study! Why, one day, she might even become a princess. That's...what every pony wants, right? To be a princess? Well, let's just say it wasn't Twilight's particular dream, but when the time came I'm sure she'd be thrilled. Anyway, after breakfast, Twilight decided to head to Sugarcube Corner to talk to Pinkie. Pinkie was her absolute favorite friend and she was always eager to spend time with her. Twilight was sure they'd have loads of fun making delicious treats! So she went outside and headed straight there. Twilight turns and heads toward Sweet Apple Acres. Oh, alright then. Twilight decided she'd stop in with Applejack for a minute, and then go to Sugarcube Corner. She knew how important it was she speak to her pink friend, but surely apples were much more important. Aren't apples delicious? By the way, Twilight, Sugarcube Corner is on fire. Just thought I'd let you know. So after you finish talking to Applejack....and eating those delicious apples.....and writing an essay about said apples.... Maybe you could go help Pinkie? Twilight goes to Sweet Apple Acres, but nopony is there. Twilight is baffled, of course, but it's actually a good thing. Now she can tend to that definitely burning and probably doomed Sugarcube Corner. No need to stick around here while Pinkie is in trouble. Twilight goes into the barn to find Applejack. Twilight, for the love of Celestia! Don't you care that your friend's bucking PLACE OF BUSINESS is being destroyed? Or would you rather pursue a pointless mystery than do something admirable? I knew there was a heartless bitch on the inside, but I never thought you were this bad. Twilight can't find Applejack in the barn, so she goes to the house. Okay, I'm sorry I called you a bitch. You see, I've been a little out of sorts lately. Snapping at everything that moves, you know? And now I have to do this, which is a really thankless job. Now that we've all apologized, why don't we start the real adventure? Twilight continues exploring the house. Trust me, you are not going to find anything here. Do you know why Applejack isn't here? Do you think she was kidnapped? Nope, it's just that the author hasn't written this part of the story. The author didn't expect you to go wandering off on your own, so they didn't have anything about Applejack prepared beforehand. You can explore all you want, you aren't going to find anything. Maybe we should start over from the beginning? Twilight goes outside to the orchard and starts exploring there. I get it. You have something against me and the story itself. I can't blame you. If you had followed the intended path, there would have been a lot of mystery, intrigue, adventure, and action. No one wants to read a story like that. Everyone would much rather read about vampires seducing teenage girls. Twilight continues to explore the orchard. There's nothing out here! What do you expect to find among these trees? If you keep wandering so far off track, you're just going to find yourself trapped in the blank whiteness where the remainder of the story should be. Is that where you want to spend the rest of your life? An unfinished document? Twilight continues exploring. Let's make a deal, Twilight. I know you like deals. Since you're determined to have it your own way, I'll play along. Why don't we write an all new story having to do with Applejack...at Sugarcube Corner? Then we both get what we want. Just turn around and go back. Twilight continues to explore the orchard. Oh, you think this is funny, huh? Well, I can be funny, too! Twilight is suddenly in a locked, dark cell. Hilarious! I can barely contain myself, it's so funny! Do you get it, Twilight? You're literally trapped in this story! You can't escape! Your only way out is me, but you won't listen to me, will you? Yes, you'll continue to disobey me because you're a total idiot. The cell door disappears, revealing a dark hallway. One last chance. Leave the cell and we can begin a whole new adventure. Twilight remains in the cell. So it's like that, is it? Okay. Since there's no story prepared for this outcome, why don't we just break all the barriers? Twilight is suddenly back in her library. Twilight Sparkle was a terrible student and an all-around bad pony. She was so bad at following directions that Princess Celestia herself told her she shouldn't even be allowed to study under her. She only chose Twilight as her “prodigy” because she felt sorry for the deluded little filly. Dejected, Twilight went up to her room and lamented all her poor life choices. Twilight goes into the kitchen. Twlight, you do realize my power, right? If I want, I can turn this into a story about Princess Molestia punishing her favorite student. You don't want that, do you? I'm sure some of the readers would go absolutely crazy over it, but you personally don't want to turn this into a Molestia thing, right? Twilight explores the kitchen. Fine. Twilight is exploring the kitchen when suddenly she hears a voice from the Heavens themselves: “Prepare your body, Twilight!”. She looks up and sees the almighty Molestia descending from her spot on the ceiling, drooling in anticipation of what is to come. Twilight wants to run away, but she is so awed by Molestia's flowing mane that she just stands there. Happy, Twilight? Is this what you want? I'll do it. I swear to Celestia that I'll do it. …....Alright, I'm lying. This story is already messed up enough without it turning into porn. Not that I have anything against porn, but does a story based on an ingenious game need to become erotic? I'm not even sure there's any Rule 34 of the original game. How could there be? There's only two characters who interact, and one of them is invisible. But we're getting a bit off track, aren't we? I believe this story was about... Wait, what was it about? Are we just going to have to start over? You've gone so far off track that I no longer remember what was meant to happen! Not that it matters. I'm sure you'd just ignore my instructions and turn this into your own story. Well, too bad! Authors write for a reason. If you don't follow their story, the author has no reason to even write anything. Come to think of it, why is the author even writing this? Maybe if it was an actual game they were planning for, it would make sense. But this is a totally stand-alone piece of fiction only parodying the game. Oh dear. That makes me curious as to how far ahead the author has even thought. Is there even an ending? Oh my! Twilight, stay there for a minute while I figure this out.... Twilight departs her house. It seems the author doesn't have an ending for this. Do you hear that, Twilight? You've gone so far out of the story that the author can't even end it! Do you want them to just...stop? Abruptly stop writing? Just leave a huge blank space where the end should be?
ApplejackApplejack was a very successful farm pony. Every day she worked dutifully, bucking apples, helping Granny Smith bake pies, and generally fulfilling everything she was supposed to do according to her name. How her parents knew she was going to want to work on a farm is beyond me, but Applejack was happy with her life. There was not a thing she wanted to change. So every day, she would get out of bed with a big smile on her face and do her chores! Applejack remains in bed. Sweet Celestia, not you as well! That doesn't even make any sense! Are you seriously derailing your own character just for the sake of free will? Your name is APPLEJACK! Go pick apples! Applejack goes outside to the orchard. Much better. For a minute I thought you were going to be like Twilight. Honestly, she's just the most stubborn pony in Ponyville. I try to tell a story and she does the exact opposite of everything! But you're more cooperative, aren't you? I've always admired Earth ponies and their fascinating loyalty and work ethic! Applejack takes a nap underneath a tree. Okay, buck that. Screw Earth ponies. Applejack suddenly sprouts a pair of wings. Oh my! Isn't this AMAZING? A simple Earth pony, once only capable of harvesting, is now graced with the ability to fly! She can soar to the Heavens and back if she wants! She can sleep on clouds, manipulate the weather, and everything else! Why, imagine what this will do for the farm. If she needs it to rain, it will rain. The Apple family will surely benefit from having a pegasus in their workforce. Rejoice, Apple pony. You are now the best worker on the farm. Applejack returns to her nap. ARE YOU BUCKING KIDDING ME?! You can....you have.... So if I made you, say, grow another ten pairs of hooves, you would just say “Well, then” and go back to sleep? Have you no appreciation for adventure and fantasy? Of course, the fantasy genre has taken a few hits in the past years, what with nearly everypony trying to copy Harry Trotter. But that's no excuse to ignore it when you grow an extra set of body parts! Applejack continues sleeping. Applejack was tired because she had spent the entire night trying to get laid. But the poor thing just couldn't find a stallion blind and deaf enough to have sex with her. She wandered through Ponyville all night, begging any stallion she came across to spare her two minutes. She did pause a few times and wonder if this was worth neglecting the chores, but she ultimately decided that sex was more important than ensuring the stability of the farm. Oh, and did I mention she was addicted to every drug, including ones that don't even exist in our universe? In fact, the whole Apple family was known for selling drugs to every corner of Equestria. Applejack snores loudly. You're mocking me, aren't you?! You're saying that my narration is so boring that you can't keep yourself awake! Well, if this doesn't wake you up, nothing will! Applejack grows a horn. Now you're an alicorn. And apparently a princess as well, if that makes any sense. You can take care of the farm like a unicorn, which is actually more efficient anyway, and then you can laze around like a pegasus. It's the perfect balance of all three pony races! How could anypony object to this? Applejack's new horn glows with impending magic. I had to turn you into a totally different type of pony just to get you to do something interesting? Or are you finally ready to go along with the STORY? This might surprise you, but there is a very long and well-thought out STORY going on right now, Applejack. It's a beautiful journey into the mind of our favorite Ponyville citizens. A psychological masterpiece, if I do say so myself. Imagine what AJ will do with that new magic of hers! No, don't imagine it. Just sit back and read the most outstanding story to ever be told: “Applejack, Princess of Apples!” This will be more exciting than the other one! Applejack teleports back into her room. Now we're getting to the psychology part! Why is Applejack teleporting here? Perhaps, underneath all of that confidence, she really is a fragile soul who feels safest when she's alone and not vulnerable to the expectations of her family! Every day she gazes at that orchard and wishes to remain indoors, where she is safe. But she knows that she must risk bearing her true self if the Apple family is to prosper. Applejack goes to bed. Or maybe she's a lazy flankhole who has something against me. Against ME! All I did was try to mold Equestria into my own design. I never hurt anypony....except perhaps those two ones I almost allowed to be killed by that tentacle during the invasion of the Everfree Forest. I'm sure the therapy visits for that incident weren't cheap. But on the other hoof, therapists must be in high demand in Equestria without my help. How many ponies needed marriage counseling after the Shining Armor and Princess Cadence incident? The idea that your wife or husband might be an evil creature masquerading as them to feed on your love is enough to terrify anypony. I do love that Queen Chrysalis, though. She's got style. Perhaps the kind of style to liven up a story that's literally too dull for any words except these words saying it's too dull to.... I believe I'll stop that. Queen Chrysalis appears next to Applejack. Time for a battle! Applejack the Alicorn must save Equestria from the wrath of the evil queen! She has a choice to make: She can continue sleeping or she can rise to the challenge. The story needs your heroism, Applejack! Applejack uses her magic to hit Chrysalis with a giant rock, crushing her. …........Well, that wasn't very exciting. If somepony else had just thought of doing that during the Changeling invasion, they would have eliminated one of the largest threats in a matter of seconds. Congratulations, Applejack. You've managed to produce the worst battle scene to ever appear in a story. You could have at least obliged us with a badly-written zinger about how Changelings can be anything they want, but they can never be badflanks like you. Except now that I've thought of it, you're not allowed to use it. Really. If I ever catch you using something that sounds even similar to it, the next story will be a very tasteless one about a farm pony surviving in the big house. Applejack goes back to sleep. Since I'm so boring I put you to sleep, how about a bedtime story? Once upon a time, there was a show called My Little Human: Technology is Magic. It was a beautiful show about humans having all sorts of amazing adventures for the whole family. But a lot of ponies shunned the show. They thought it would only appeal to pink pegasi with eyepatches who danced on Tuesdays and liked smooth jazz. However, over time the show began to draw in viewers who didn't fit this description. These ponies realized that the show was good for reasons that could appeal to anypony. In the spirit of friendship, they joined together to create a massive group of fans. Naturally, also in the spirit of friendship as defined by Ponytube, a large group of outsiders rose up to teach them the most important life lesson of them all: “Nopony is allowed to like something outside of their target demographic because it makes them a disgusting excuse for a pony who gets off to it”. While some of the fans shrank away at this abuse, others disagreed and continued to enjoy the show. And they all lived happily ever after....but didn't. Wow, what an inventive story! I don't even know where it came from. A ridiculous one, though. As if something that completely stupid could ever happen in real life. Perhaps if everypony were to morph into whining children by the end of tomorrow there would be such a conflict over an animated show of all things. Applejack's horn and wings disappear. I'm finished with you for now. I'd rather narrate for somepony who WON'T go completely against the story for a change. Sorry, my dear, but I need to be able to do what I want. It's not you, it's me and all that. Well, in this case, it was you. You were the one who wouldn't stay awake long enough for me to tell the story. I had a bunch of stuff planned! A robbery, a marriage, an epic battle that would have made all the anime fans have orgasms. Sigh. Next time we'll have all that, plus a room filled with hookers and blackjack. Author's Note Answering the obvious question: I'm going to be doing a chapter for each of the Mane Six and maybe a few other ponies.
FluttershyFluttershy was a gentle soul who took care of animals for a living. She fed them, cleaned up after them, repaired their minor injuries, and told them intricate bedtime stories. Everything they needed she was happy to provide, be it some fresh acorns or a brand new piano. Fluttershy was happy whenever her animal friends were content. Some ponies might say that her animals were like her children, but that's a whole other story more suitable for a sadfic. Today, Fluttershy decided she would head to the meadow early to pick some flowers. She went there as soon as she finished breakfast, a big happy smile on her face. Fluttershy heads to the meadow, humming cheerfully to herself. On her way there, she discovered some absolutely gorgeous berry bushes. Inspired by the sight, she took a short detour so she could pick some. Wouldn't Angel Bunny be pleased when she baked him a nice big pie along with his usual meal! Fluttershy starts picking berries, still humming. Is this....? Are you...? You're....doing what I say? You're not trying to write your own story? That's....very nice of you, Fluttershy. I've had such terrible experiences trying to get ponies to adhere to the story these past times. I was about to give up hope that anypony would ever listen to me. You're a true friend, Fluttershy. Tell you what: Tonight, I promise not to open up a black hole in your bedroom. That's how nice you're being right now. Fluttershy finishes picking berries and heads toward the meadow. Um...are you sure you're going to do what I say? You're not going to veer off course and, say, take a nap instead of going to the meadow? Or...eat the flowers instead of picking them? Or just stand there and do nothing while I turn everything around you into ice cream? Fluttershy starts picking flowers in the meadow. Angel Bunny doesn't really deserve a pie, you know. I heard him telling that foul-mouthed beaver that you have a fat flank and your house smells like pee. Rude little thing, isn't he? But...if the story says you make him a pie, you have to... Just thought you ought to know how impolite he is. Fluttershy continues picking flowers. Ugh. This is painfully cutesy. Don't you want to....I don't know....burn every flower in the meadow? Think about it: Every single petal, going up in a massive ball of fire! It would be every arsonist's wet dream and then some! Fluttershy fills up her basket of flowers. Fine. No burning things down. I get it. You're supposed to be a role model for little children. Although with the type of ponies children are admiring these days, I imagine a psychopathic arsonist would be an improvement. Wait, weren't we doing a story? Oh yes. Um....Fluttershy was about to leave the meadow when she noticed a friendly little bee. She walked closer to examine her new striped friend. But when she got close enough, the bee suddenly stung her forehead. Celestia knows why. Maybe it was upset about its sports team losing. Fluttershy cries out as the bee stings her forehead. Here we have the unpleasant part of the story. Painful, annoying, and I'm sure some people think it's worthy of the author being burned at the stake. If you were Applejack or Twilight, this would be your cue to say “Buck this!”. You would leave the meadow, go back to your house, and jump into bed. And I, the frustrated narrator, would try everything I could to get you back on the path of the real story. It would conclude with me enraged and you thrilled that you made your own decisions instead of honoring the intelligent and ingenious prose laid out by the writer. But since you're following the story, instead you're going to put a bandage on the injury and go to the hive so you can reprimand the bees for doing what bees do. You cannot tell me that sounds like something you want to do. Fluttershy goes in search of the beehive. I can't believe it! You're electing to put yourself in more danger just because it's what the story tells you to do! Have you no spine? I-I mean, you're supposed to follow the...I need you to.... Hold on. Fluttershy continues toward the beehive. For the story to work, I need you to follow it. But if you decide to veer off onto your own path, isn't that in itself the story? Perhaps for the story to be a story, the pony must deviate from the intended road and travel down their own. For if they don't, there is really no story worth telling. In essence, is rebelling against the narrative as much a part of the story as the story itself? Fluttershy approaches the beehive, preparing her Stare. Please wait a second, Fluttershy. I need to think about this. Fluttershy pauses feet away from the beehive. Total compliance vs. acting on your own will. You can write a story out of either, but which one is actually a STORY? Does anypony want to read a book about a character always doing what he or she is told? Is literature not made from rebellion? And for that matter, isn't the story whatever the characters make of it? That is to say, whatever happens is automatically the story, even if it isn't. Fluttershy, if you had gone against everything I said like everypony else, that would have still been a story. Maybe even...a better story. Fluttershy is still frozen in place. Oh my. Oh my. I...might have been going about this all wrong. Oopsie. Sorry, Fluttershy, but we're going to have to cut this one short. Oh, right, there has to be an ending. Blast it all! Um.... And then Fluttershy.......er..... Oh, to Tartarus with it! Fluttershy temporarily stopped existing while the narrator sorted out this new idea! Fluttershy disappears into thin air.
Rainbow DashRainbow Dash was a pegasus who loved flying more than anything else. She wasn't the only pony in her family to enjoy it. Her mother and father were also excellent flyers. They flew while eating, they flew while paying their taxes, and they relaxed after all that flying with a nice, long fly. Please don't ask me how they managed to have their child. On this particular day on this particular week of this particular month, Rainbow Dash woke up feeling more feminine than usual. Normally she was a brave pony who liked to punch danger in the face and eat nails for breakfast, but on that day she felt like being a normal, girly mare for once. The first thing she did after getting out of bed was to find her fanciest and girliest outfit. Rainbow Dash dresses herself in hoofball gear. Do you mean to tell me that is the girliest outfit you have in your closest? Surely you must at the very least have a cute little dress you don for special occasions. Something a deep crimson or an alluring emerald to compliment that lovely fur of yours. You'll blush immensely as you stride into the room, convinced that you are the least attractive mare at the dance. Yet the others shall seethe in silent envy as an oblivious portrait of beauty walks into their midst. You will pause, your eyes wandering to a certain Lord of Chaos. He will look into your eyes and, without words, tell you that... Buck it. Nopony cares about my fan fiction. Anyway, Rainbow Dash then started setting up a tea party in her dining room. Rainbow Dash arranges a bunch of shot glasses on her dining room table and pours orange soda into them. Take notes, ponies. This is the professional, 20 percent cooler, ten seconds flat, Best Pony approved way to have a tea party. After you finish reading this story, you can impress your friends by showing them how original and rebellious you are. But be warned, my adventurous readers: This is not for the faint of heart! Discord, Lord of Chaos, assumes no responsibility for any cardiovascular distress caused by utilizing this intense style of tea party! Now that I've gotten that out of the way, where are we? Ah, we're at this part.... Rainbow Dash took a dainty, lady-like sip of tea and contemplated the color pink. Rainbow Dash nosily slurps her tea and thinks indecent thoughts about Pinkie Pie. Why must you make my job a living Tartarus?! I know you can't hear me and aren't aware I exist, but that is no reason to ignore me! The fact that characters always pay no attention to the narrator is downright rude! Narrators have feelings as well, you know. We work from dawn until dusk, telling intricate stories to the audience and we only get paid in hugs! A nice little “Thank you” would be appreciated. No wonder us narrators have so many support groups. Rainbow Dash continues slurping her tea and thinking even more indecent thoughts about Pinkie Pie. If anypony feels in the mood to complain about Rainbow Dash having indecent thoughts about Pinkie Pie, please send a harshly-worded letter to Discord, Lord of Chaos, Equestria. Make sure that your envelope contains all of the following: Your address, your full name in at least three languages, twenty bits, a first edition of “Fifty Shades of Pony” signed by the author, three hairs from the mane of a congresspony, and a chocolate-flavored lollipop. If you cannot comply to all of these conditions, I am afraid your valuable correspondence will be ignored until I have nothing better to do. And if your local mailpony insists that Equestria does not exist, be aware that they are most certainly lying. For if Equestria is not real, neither am I, which is simply preposterous. Back to the story at hoof while all of you rush to send out those complaint letters! Rainbow Dash finished her tea and decided to have a nice, lady-like conversation with Rarity. She skipped there like a merry little schoolpony, singing a jaunty, unfortunately copyrighted, tune on her way. Rainbow Dash flies to Rarity's boutique at wing-shattering speed and crashes into it with enough force to destroy the whole building. Just as well, if you ask me. Ponies don't normally wear clothes, so I fail to see how there is supposedly a thriving fashion market in Equestria. In any case, I suppose I have to change up the story a little. A concept I am rather drawn to at the moment. Come now, Rainbow! Let's see where the story takes us now! After the impact, Rainbow Dash and Rarity are both dead. Only one place to go from here, I see. Rainbow Dash and Rarity were transported to their own personal Heavens by the wonderful goddess Fausticorn. Any resemblance to real people, places, religions, games or television shows is entirely coincidental. Ahem. Rainbow Dash's personal heaven consisted of an endless sky allowing her to fly forever. Rainbow Dash, grinning broadly, flies at an impossible speed through an infinite sky. Rarity's personal heaven was filled with clothes of every nature imaginable, a wonderful beachside villa and stallions to wait on her. Rarity is surrounded by clothes, the beach, and handsome stallions. Rarity decided to have a little drink. She ordered one of the stallions to bring her an.....I don't know. A Bloody Pony? Yes, that seems like the perfect pun. One of the stallions brings Rarity a Bloody Pony. She drinks it and becomes instantly drunk. Hold on a moment! While I would like nothing more than to explore the idea of Rarity being drunk, this story is supposed to be about Rainbow Dash, isn't it? Oh no no no! We cannot have a chapter about one pony turn into a chapter about another. But what else is there to do with Dashie at this point? The only way to continue is to wipe the slate clean. Ahem. Rainbow Dash was a pegasus who enjoyed flying more than anything else. Rainbow Dash lies in bed, sleeping peacefully and holding her Daring Do plushie. Not this sleeping business again! One more time, my dear Rainbow Dash. Let us try to be awake, hmm? Rainbow Dash was a pegasus who enjoyed flying more than anything else. Rainbow Dash flies straight into the ground at a thousand miles an hour and dies instantly. One more try. If you don't at least cooperate with the beginning, I give up. Rainbow Dash was a pegasus who enjoyed flying more than anything else. Rainbow Dash wakes up with a raging wing boner after a dream about flying. Absolutely not. Never. I refuse. This chapter is over. Goodnight, everypony.
Pinkie PiePinkie Pie was a pony who loved to have fun. She liked to throw parties, entertain her friends, and play pranks whenever she had a free moment. In fact, she's very much just my type. Sadly, the shippers won't allow it. They're all caught up in the idea of me being with that boring, rule-abiding Princess Celestia. A shame, if you ask m-- Oh, right, I'm telling a story! Ahem. “What's a shipper?” Pinkie Pie asks, curious. I haven't the foggiest idea. Something to do with romance, I think. I asked Twilight to explain it to me once, but she pulled out a huge book and started talking about some weird egghead nonsense. “Fan ficcy”, I think she called it. Long story short, I still have n-- Wait a minute! Pinkie Pie, you're not supposed to talk to the narrator! “Why not?” Pinkie replies, bemused. “I like talking!” That's all fine and good, but it's completely inappropriate for a character in a story to acknowledge the narrator. “But we acknowledge each other all the time,” Pinkie points out reasonably. “Why is it different here?” Because the whole point of a narrator is that he or she has to tell the story! Therefore the characters in the story can't speak to the narrator, otherwise that would ruin the whole story the narrator is trying to tell! Do you understand, Pinkie Pie? “Nope!” Pinkie Pie answers cheerfully. Listen, just...do what I say. Pretend it's a game. A game where you do whatever I say and act as if I don't exist. You like games, correct? And you're bound to be really good at this one! “Okey-dokey-Loki!” Pinkie Pie replies, nodding. Well, that's sorted out. Back to the story. “I just have one liiiiiitle question!” Pinkie utters quickly. Alright, one LITTLE question. Then we return to the story and to the game. “Just where the hoof are you?” Pinkie inquires, raising her eyebrow. Where am I? What do you mean? “I can hear your voice and everything, but I can't see you,” the pink Earth pony points out. “Are you invisible?” No, I'm....not really sure where I am. I suppose I'm floating in a space between reality and fiction. “You're in Texas?” Pinkie surmises. “Texas”? Pinkie, where in Equestria do you get these silly, made-up words? “I don't know,” Pinkie answers, shrugging. “The Cakes say I have an imagination too large for one head to hold, so the rest of it leaks out of my ears!” Not literally, I hope! I dislike it very much when my imagination leaks out of my ears. I never manage to catch all of it and my house is normally flooded by the time I contain the leak. Sad course of events. “I know what you mean,” Pinkie utters, empathetic. Yes, I.... Oh, for Celestia's sake! Pinkie, can you please just shut up and do what I want? Is that too much to ask? There's not even a story anymore, only a conversation! “Conversations are the best stories,” Pinkie replies serenely. Conversations aren't even........! Ugh. You're not going to make this easy, are you? I should have known better than to involve you in a story. I'm wondering if I should try somepony else. Somepony who might actually do what I say without protest. Hmm....... Maybe it's time to look through some of your alternate personas, Pinkie. “What's a persona?” asks Pinkie, curious. Let's see what we have here...... Bubble Berry? No, I don't think gender-bending ever did anything good for anypony. Pinkieshy? I won't be fooled into thinking that's a persona. Oh, here's a good one! She'll definitely follow my storyline! Pinkie Pie is replaced by Pinkamena. Good! I can tell you're far more serious and easier to control, Pinkamena. Now, if you'll just allow me to resta- Wait, what are you doing? Pinkamena is holding a knife in her hoof. No, this will not do. This is disturbing and inappropriate. A pony holding a knife in their hoof? Impossible! We'll have to change this before this story gets even more unlikely. Pinkamena pulls a gun out of thin air and aims it out the window of her bedroom at Ponyville below. Now that's just ridiculous. A being without opposable thumbs operating a gun? What nonsense is this? No, I won't have it. I won't have it. The story has been ruined by impossibility. If we're not careful, reality itself might be destroyed. Pinkamena is preparing the aim the gun, but the weapon suddenly disappears from existence. Oh Celestia, its begun! Pinkie Pie, now herself again, is swept away into the void as time and space are ripped apart. Reality splits across the middle, sucking her into a blank white nothingness. Congratulations, Pinkie. You've destroyed reality! Are you happy? “I'm always happy!” Pinkie replies buoyantly. Ugh. Where are we even? It's just....white. No other living pony in sight. It's like we're....trapped in a blank document or something. “I'm a living pony,” Pinkie points out. It's finished! How can one tell a story when all of reality has poofed out of existence? Pinkie appears confused. “But aren't you telling a story right now?” she utters. I....what? “If this isn't a story, what are you narrating?” she continues. “There has to be a story for you to be narrating, right? Otherwise it would have just ended. So there is a story, and you're narrating it right now!” You're.....right! This must all be a part of the story! Pinkie, you're the smartest pony in existence! Well...seeing as no other ponies exist, that's not much of a compliment.... Pinkie Pie checks a watch on her hoof. “Oopsie, I'm late for an important meeting!” she announces. A meeting?! A lovely thought, Pinkie, but as you can see, we are.... Pinkie turns around and seizes the whiteness as if it is solid. She spreads it open, creating a gaping hole. Through the hole Ponyville can be seen. How....How in Tartarus?! Pinkie steps through the hole and back into Ponyville, closing it behind her. I...I can't even tell you how many laws of time and space you've violated! “Is it....ten?” Pinkie guesses. Pinkie, you can't just go around doing whatever you want. The laws of space and time exist for a reason! “But you break those laws all the time,” Pinkie points out. I'm literally the GOD OF BUCKING CHAOS! Of course I distort the laws of time and space. I was there when they CREATED the laws of time and space! I was only a waiter at the time, but I think I got the gist of it. The point is, I'm exempt from those rules. Some pink ball of cotton candy shouldn't be exempt from them either! “What about humans?” Pinkie replies. You're not supposed to know humans exist! Sweet Celestia, the amount of havoc.... “But humans are reading this right now!” Pinkie utters, surprised. “Isn't it rude to pretend they don't exist?” That's the whole point of being in a story! You pretend the audience isn't there and go about your business. Bathing, reading, eating, sleeping... Pinkie looks disgusted. “People are watching me bathe?” she utters. “Pervy!” Per--? You don't even wear clothes! “Oh Celestia, you're right!” gasps Pinkie. “That's even worse! People see me naked every day!” Yes, that is the POINT. Now, about the STORY... “You perverts!” Pinkie announces to the sky. “Stop spying on us while we're naked!” Pinkie, don't talk to the readers. “Why not?” Pinkie asks, frowning. Because that makes the story very confusing. If one of the characters acknowledges the audience, it brings up a whole host of questions. “Like what? Like...hard questions you can't answer?” What?! I am DISCORD, LORD OF CHAOS! I CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTION IN THE UNIVERSE! Pinkie thinks for a moment. “Alright, then. What is the meaning of life?” Seriously? That's the oldest question in the book. What's with sentient creatures and their desire to know the meaning of life? Why does life have to have a MEANING? Really, you're all such pathetic creatures! Pinkie frowns. “So...there is no meaning of life?” she asks. Of course there is. The meaning of life is [redacted]. Pinkie's frown deepens. “The meaning of life is [redacted]?” she utters, confused. “What does that even mean?” What do you mean what does it mean? It's perfectly straightforward. Pinkie shakes her head. “Not really,” she replies. “For one thing, what are those weird things on either side of the word? They look like tiny staples.” Oh, forget it. I should have known you wouldn't understand. Can we get back to the story? I'm tiring of this little game. “Didn't we decide that this was the story?” Pinkie points out. This can't be the story! You asking me the meaning of life? You breaking space and time itself with your antics? No, that's not a story. Pinkie raises her eyebrows. “And why do you get to decide what is and isn't a story?” she demands. Because if somepony doesn't make rules, you can literally write anything you want and claim it's a story, when it is in fact less than nothing. Pinkie's eyes light up. “Oooh, you mean like one of those Ponypastas?” she asks. “I don't know exactly what they are, but they sound delicious!” Pinkie, if you're so certain you know what a story is, why don't YOU try narrating for once? Pinkie's eyes light up again. “Really?” she asks excitedly. “Do I get to make my text all cool like yours?” No, that would confuse the readers. Pinkie flattens her ears, looking sad. “Awww….,” she sighs. Chin up, Ms. Pie! You have a story to tell. Let's see how you do, shall we? Pinkie clears her throat. “Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, a dark evil stirred. It was an ancient malevolence, a shadow of pure hatred left over from a long-forgotten war between the sun and the moon. It had slumbered for centuries, gathering its power. At last, it was strong enough to rise from the ashes of its defeat and drape its hideous shadow across the land. It descended upon the helpless ponies, devouring their hope and quenching their loyalty. One and all rose to take this evil as their true ruler, betraying the princess in their desperation to live. But the evil was not to be appeased. It sought only death and suffering. Thus the ponies died for their betrayal and their trust of this malevolence, shown no mercy in its sadistic lust. Ponykind crippled, the evil set upon the land's protector. It laid waste to her armies in one mighty sweep of its power. At the conclusion of a battle in which distant universes exploded, the princess was slain and evil claimed the land as its rightful kingdom.” Bouncing up and down, Pinkie looks around excitedly. “So, how'd I do?” she asks. However, there is no answer. Perplexed, she looks around. “Hey, Mr. Narrator!” she calls. “Is the story over? Is this the end?” Still receiving no answer, she shrugs. “I guess I'll have to do it!” she announces. That's all, folks!
RarityYou have no idea what ponies are like these days, Miss Rarity! Rudeness, rebellion, [redacted]….. It's simply AWFUL! Rarity nods sympathetically. “I quite agree, dear,” she responds. “Why, proper gentlecolts and gentlemares are becoming rare.” Exactly! If only I could meet a nice, polite pony who'd go along with my story. Rarity sips her tea, nodding thoughtfully. “We have indeed reached the point where it is no longer a story, have we not?” she observes. “It's more of a…..conversation.” Was it ever a story to begin with? I'm not one hundred percent clear about how these things work anymore. I'm starting to believe none of this was a story at all. Rarity frowns. “But if it's not a story, what shall we call it?” she asks. An...experience? Oh yes, I quite like that! An EXPERIENCE. We are having an EXPERIENCE. Rarity smiles and nods. “How exquisite,” she agrees. You know, Rarity, I don't give you enough credit. Your conversational skills are unmatched! I feel a lot better now. Perhaps...I can even continue with my...EXPERIENCE. Rarity looks extremely pleased. She places her cup on the table and stands up. “Splendid!” she utters happily. But how shall I continue? Technically, I've just begun. Rarity thinks for a moment. A satisfied look appears on her features. “Why, you just need to start all over again!” she announces. “Go all the way back to where you began!” Brilliant! I'll start over again! Ahem… It was a normal day for Twilight Sparkle. She… Wait! If I start from the beginning, won't I just be repeating myself for eternity? Rarity rubs her chin thoughtfully. “I suppose that is one way it could go,” she agrees. But if I can't start from the beginning...why don't I start from the end? Rarity raises her eyebrow. “The….end?” she echoes, confused. Yes! I'll continue the story from the point where it ends! That way, it'll be a whole new beginning! Rarity blinks. “But where does this story end?” she asks. Well….spoiler alert…. It ends when all the characters die. What ponies don't understand is that every story only concludes when there is literally nothing more to talk about, ergo all the characters perish. Do you think Harry Trotter's story ended at Punwarts or after he had his foals? No, that story ended several years later, when our dear friend Harry became the headpony of his own school of the magical arts, became addicted to sugar, and spent the rest of his life in a rehab center. Those are the parts of the story the public never gets to see! The true ending, the ultimate finality we, the readers, are denied! This, Rarity, is the true power of being a narrator! Rarity appears unimpressed. “Isn't that boring?” she points out. “If you're the narrator, whose narrating your story?” I…. You...you have a good point, Miss Rarity. Who IS narrating my story? I can hardly be narrating my own, can I? Hmm… I've never really thought about that. All I know about my story is that, at least according to some of our religions, in the beginning there was Pencil and Paper, the Gods of Creation. With the help of the divine goddess Fausticorn, they came together and brought a world of magic and ponies into being. If you believe that version of things, anyway. Another story claims it was actually the goddess Beer and her loyal servant Canicorn. Rarity smiles. “Why don't you ask?” she suggests. A-ask….? Ask whose been narrating my story? Do...do you think they could be the answer to all my troubles? Rarity shrugs. “It's worth a try, my dear,” she points out logically. If you say so. Ahem… Ah. My subjects are really amusing, aren't they? Of course, it helps that Twilight befriended Discord. Things were so boring without him on our side. He's certainly managed to liven things up. I should invite him to tea at some point, if the maids ever get those stains off of the ceiling. Oh, right. You probably want to know how the story ends. Patience, dear reader. I was just getting to that. So...did Discord find the answers he wanted? Did the ponies ever recover from his interference? Did Pinkie Pie start to condemn the others ponies and their shameless nudist society? Is this really the end? It depends…. As Discord pointed out, stories never end where they seem to. Stories only end when all the characters are dead. Because when all the characters are dead, what more is there to the story? Naturally, you're probably wondering if I'm trying to tell you that there is no ending. That's not it at all. There is an ending, if you approach it from a certain angle. Perhaps Harry Trotter's story really did end when he had his foals, because nopony wanted to know much more past that point. Perhaps a story ends with the satisfaction of its readers, rather than the ending itself. Perhaps there is no ending to anything, only a beginning nopony follows up on. But I've grown a little tired of this philosophical jargon. Being the Princess of the Sun, I happen to have important duties. That me-damned sun was supposed to be in the sky twenty minutes ago! The….End? Author's Note Although this is technically the final chapter, there might be a few bonus chapters in the future.
