Six Idiots

by Mindless Drone

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Random, Gore, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 3207

Well, when you get six idiotic friends into a bar, what's the worst that could happen?

If there were more than three stooges this would be them. Sarcasm, Hurricane, Ethelind, Spade, Trock, and Blaze are now in a very bad situation.

Not really. They're just at the bar, having a few drinks, and talking about stupid stuff. What could possibly go wrong?

(Sex and gore tags for references and maybe some blood in later chapters, mature for those reasons and major cursing)

Published 2014-12-01 03:40:09 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-09 03:48:40 UTC

Honestly, Why Am I Writing This Again?

Well, it seems you readers are stuck with me. Hi everyone, I'm the narrator, Narrator. You can call me Mr. Narrator, Allmighty-Allknowing-Majesty, or just Your Majesty. Thank you, and let's begin.

     Our story takes place at about the same time the Elements of Harmony are being used against Discord for the second time, leaving him stuck in that dreadful rock prison. Now, seeing as this is an Alternate Universe fic, that is not the case here. This takes place at a very small bar, but no less classy than the rest, on the outskirts of Ponyville. Three friends, all Pegasi, were waiting outside said bar, impatiently waiting for their other friends to arrive.

     One was a medium shade of brown, dark green eyes, and a black and white mane, resembling a skunk in my opinion. She had a Spade, like the card, as a cutie mark, and her name was... well... Spade.

     The next was scarlet red, with mismatched red and green eyes. His mane was a combination of red and white, with red on he inside and white outlining. His cutie mark was a pair of headphones with some zigzag line that looks like a heartbeat monitor but is really a spectrum wave. His name was Hurricane.

     The last pony was white, with a black and blue striped mohawk mane, much in the style of Zecora. He was probably one of the most built of the whole group of friends. His cutie mark was a crosshair, and his name was Sarcasm.

"Holy shit," Hurricane said. "Where's Ethelind? She's never late."

"Prob'ly got held up in some sciencey crap," said Sarcasm, raking a drink from the flask he carried everywhere.

"Dude," Spade started. "You can't get drunk before we even get into the damn bar. That's not fair to the rest of us."

     This got a chuckle from Sarcasm. He burped loudly. "Don't care."

"Well then, gimme some of that!" said Hurricane, reaching for the flask. Sarcasm handed it to him. Hurricane took a quick swig and grinned. "Vodka?"

"Vodka with a bit of hard cider, yeah."

"Yes!" Hurricane took a longer drink.

     When they heard the sound of a Unicorn teleport behind them, Hurricane instantly gave Sarcasm the flask back. Spade saw this as a sign of weakness.

"Hey Ethelind, guess what?" she called to the white unicorn.

"What do you want, Spade? I know i'm a minute and forty-six seconds late, no need to rub it in."

"Oh. Well damn, Ethelind. Way to be a buzzkill." Spade rolled her eyes.

     Ethelind turned her blue eyes toward Hurricane and Sarcasm, who were both looking on with similar expressions. She pushed her short blond mane out of her eyes and scowled through her glasses. "What're you two looking at?"

     Hurricane turned pink and looked down. Ethelind didn't notice. "Nothin'."

     Sarcasm looked on, his expression changing from one of confusion to an unimpressed one. He belched again. "Your mom. Got a problem?"

     Spade snickered.

     Ethelind raised an eyebrow. "My mother isn't here currently, and i'm not sure if she would even like me being in the same vicinity as you guys. Sometimes, i'm not sure if I want to be here."

"Same here," a gruff voice behind them said. The most built of the group, yet one of the shortest, walked up behind Ethelind.

     Blaze was in his usual style, a brown dyed fur and a slicked back black dyed mane. He wore a scowl, and he had his usual "anger management" toothpick in his mouth.

     Hurricane looked up from his downward gaze toward Blaze. "'Sup, Blaze."

"Hi, Hurricane."

     A mock falsetto voice piped up from behind Hurricane. "Yeah, hi, Hurricane!"

     Hurricane jumped up around the pony equivalent of five feet and hovered in the air, panting hard. "Dammit, Trock, you know I hate that shit! Fuck, you nearly gave me a heart attack!"

"Nice one, Trock," said Sarcasm.

     Ethelind rolled her eyes and turned toward the bar door. "Now that we're all here, we can enter the bar and get this 'get together' or whatever you called it over with." With that, she and the rest, excluding Hurricane, trotted into the bar. Hurricane lingered back for a monent.

"These ponies are seriously weird. But what am I complaining about? I'm insane!" He glided down from his spot in the air and sauntered into the bar.

No, I Mean, Seriously. Why Am I Writing This?

     The six ponies sat down at the table in the far back of the bar. Hurricane had caught up with his friends and was grinning. They sat in left to right order of; Blaze, Trock, Ethelind, Hurricane, Sarcasm, and Spade. They all sat there, looking like complete idiots and a sophisticated pony. This sophisticated pony was obviously Ethelind, who was looking very uncomfortable between Trock and Hurricane.

"-- the hell were you thinking," Sarcasm was saying to Hurricane. "You know that if you try and step up to my MLGness you will get schooled, dipshit."

     Hurricane rolled his eyes. "Says you. You get angry over rage games quicker than Blaze when you talk about his height."

     Blaze stood up. "What did you say about my height, Hurricane?"

     The whole bar got quiet. Even Vinyl Scratch, who was at the DJ booth, stopped her mix and looked on.

     Hurricane took off into the air and landed next to Blaze. "Hit me. You know i'll like it."

     Spade grinned. "Do it, Blaze. Watch him CUM."

"Fuckin' sick," Sarcasm said at the other side of the table.

     Trock slowly got out of the booth and went to the side of the two stallions. "Gentlemen, I want a nice clean-" Blaze pushed him back onto the seat.

     Hurricane grinned wider, looking down to Blaze. "Do it, man. I dare you."

     Blaze sat down. "I won't give you the satisfaction."

"Didn't think so." Hurricane flew back to his seat next to Ethelind and Sarcasm. DJPON3 returned to her mix.                                                                      Spade stood up and went to get some drinks, mumbling about how they were making her do things she.    didn't want to do.

     Hurricane settled back into his seat. "This place is bumpin', yeah?" He gestured over to DJPON3, grinning. "Hurricane likey. How much you wanna bet I could get her number, Sarc?"

     Sarcasm looked at Hurricane, his usual unimpressed stare plastered on his face. "Twenty bits."

     Hurricane flew up again. He seems to frequently do that throughout this story, now that I mention it again. Anyway, he trots away from the table toward DJPON3 and her DJ booth. Sarcasm watched him go. When he was out of eaeshot, he leaned over to Ethelind. "Got twenty bits, just in case he succeeds?"

     Ethelind rolled her eyes. Her magic lit up and twenty bits appeared on the table in front of Sarcasm. "You're going to pay me back, I assume?"

     Sarcasm grinned and nodded. "Sure. But you know what they say about assuming. It makes an-"

"Please stop."

     Spade returned with six mugs of cider. She slid one over to each respective pony, excluding Hurricane, because he wasn't there. "Where's Egomaniac?" Spade asked.

     "He's at the DJ booth with DJPON3. He bet Sarcasm that he could get her number," Blaze said, snickering. "I actually hope he does. Just to see Sarcasm fail again."

     Sarcasm took a swig of his drink, belching loudly after. "Fuck you, Blaze. He's coming back."

     Hurricane had a smug look on his face, clearly showing he had bullshitted his way through his current situation. She strode over to the table and flew back into his seat.

"Got it, jackass."

     Sarcasm slammed his hoof onto the table. "Dammit! Well shit, lemme see."

     Hurricane held up a slip of paper, passing it to Sarcasm.

     Sarcasm read it aloud. "Call me so we can work on a collab, Vinyl Scratch. That's bullshit!!"

     "No, I said get her number. I never said how," Hurricane said, winking.

     "Shit." Sarcasm pushed the twenty bits over to him.

     Hurricane grinned and took the bits. "Thank you, good sir. Spade, pass me my drink."

     "Five bits," Spade said. "You want booze, you gotta pay. Either way."

     Hurricane frowned and scooped the bits up in his arms. "Fuck you then. I'll go buy my own." He flew up and over to the actual bar. "How many mugs of hard cider can I get with twenty bits," he said to the bartender.

     The bartender frowned. "Around six. Why do you need that many?"

"I'm gonna drink them, of course."

     The bartender shook his head and went to go get the drinks. When he came back, Hurricane was sitting on a barstool, looking impatient. The bartender gave him his six drinks and told him to go nuts. He also took the eighteen bits it took to buy six drinks.

     Hurricane downed all but two of the mugs. He flew back to the table, where Ethelind and Sarcasm were in an argument about whether or not 'Headshot' was spelled with or without a space.

     "Headshot has no space!" Sarcasm was saying.

     Ethelind looked at him calmly. "Sarcasm, honestly, this is pointless. It can be spelled both ways. It just depends on the context."

"I'm im PoD context! What context are you in? It obviously makes no sense!"

     "I'm in the context of real life. There should be no other context." She tried a sip of her drink. "Gross. Alcohol." She turned to Trock. "Want it?"

     Hurricane sat down next to Ethelind and Sarcasm again. "No, but I do."

     Spade rolled her eyes and swiped the drink. "That's tree for me." She chugged the contents of the mug and slid the empty container to Hurricane. "Still want it?"

     "Thanks, asshole," Hurricane mumbled, setting his own drinks on the table.

     Ethelind scowled. "How many mugs of cider have you had?"

"Four. Why?"

     Ethelind's eyes got wide. "How are you not drunk?"

     "I'm a DJ. I do this almost three times a week." Hurricane took a long drink of one mug, curling his wing around the other to protect it.

     Spade looked around for a moment. "Hey, why haven't Trock, Blaze, and I had many lines in this chapter?"

That's just how the chapter is written.

     The six ponies all looked up at the same time. "What on Equestria was that?" they all said simultaneously.

I obviously was talking to Spade. Not you all. Carry on.

     Yet again simultaneously, the six blinked.

     "Ohhhkay," Trock said. "That was odd."

     "Do you think anyone else heard that?" Spade asked.

     "Nope," Blaze piped. "I guess we're all just insane."

And so the ponies had a fourth wall breaking moment with yours truly. Next chapter shall be soon.

This Story Is Gonna Make You 20% Dumber.

     Hurricane was leaning back in the booth, a huge grin on his face. Twenty bits, from Sarcasm. He got it from somebody, no doubt. Despite that, he was happy.

     Ethelind sat next to Hurricane on one side, looking bored out of her mind. She was attempting to enjoy the music, but the bass was so loud that was all she could hear.

     On the other side of Hurricane sat Sarcasm, who wasn't even mad about losing twenty bits. It wasn't his twenty bits. He took a swig of his mug.

     On the other side of the booth sat the three arguing ponies. Spade had challenged Trock to a drinking game and she knew he wouldn't comply. Trock refused, and Blaze jumped in.

"Trock, come on, it's just a drinking game, dude!" Spade said.

"Hell no. I refuse to participate in this ridiculous charade."

     Blaze shook his head. "You're not smart, Trock. How about you shut up and play the Celestia Damned drinking game, huh?"

"No."

     Spade shot Hurricane a look. Hurricane got the message and slid one of his two remaining mugs to Spade, realizing it was for a good cause. Spade caught the drink, grinning. "Blaze, hold his nose."

     Blaze pinched Trock's nose, much to his protest, and Trock unwillingly opened his mouth to breathe. At that moment, Spade poured the drink into Trock's mouth.

     Ethelind began watching the scenario with mild interest, as Trock had started yelling in Germane. Nopony but her could understand, so she just tried to make out what he was saying. Hurricane had finished his last drink, happily sinking down into his seat. "Intoxication is great," he said, his speech not quite yet slurred.

     Trock had finished the drink, and Blaze let go of his nose. "You guys are assholes!" Trock yelled angrily. He tried to push Blaze, who was sitting on the end of the booth, off his seat. Blaze easily picked up Trock and tossed him out.

     Trock stood up and marched out of the bar indignantly.

"Bitch," Hurricane muttered. "One joke and he storms the fuck out. What a pussy."

"You have no idea," Spade agreed. "One time, I dared him to ask Ethelind out and he chickened out. He ran off and wouldn't come out of his house for days."

"You mean Ferdayze?" a drunk Sarcasm asked.

     Ethelind looked at him. "How did you get drunk again?"

"Stole some other ponies' drinks."

"Not surprised," chimed Spade.

     Blaze nodded sagely. The earth pony never cared for the rest of his group, but he hung around them because he himself was a social reject. He took a swig from his mug and sat back.

     Hurricane looked around the bar, unimpressed with everything but the DJ. "Fine plot ya got there, Vinyl," he said to himself. "I think i'll buy you a drink." DJ Pon3 turned down the music a bit and played a slow song. Taking the opportunity, he got out of his seat and trotted over to the bar. He recognized the bartender he saw. "Ey, Chuck!"

     Martini Chuck turned around and smiled. "Howdy, Hurricane! What can ah get f'r ya?"

     Hurricane pondered for a second. "Gimme two Bombs, man."

"Comin' right up. 'S on the house."

"Thanks, Chuck."

     Hurricane got the two drinks and headed over to the DJ booth.

     Meanwhile, Spade was drinking from her mug of cider. She was wondering if Trock would come back. "Prob'ly not," she thought aloud. "Anypony wanna play Blackjack?"

     Sarcasm looked to her. "Why the fuck not?"

     Ethelind also shifted her gaze to Spade. "I'm not usually one for cards, but sure."

     Blaze just harrumphed.

     Spade dealt the cards. Sarcasm immediately rolled his eyes and mumbled "Bust, goddammit." Blaze said "Hit me," then "Fuck. You shuffled shitty, Spade."

     In the back of Spade's mind, a little pony in her head was saying "Pull out the Joker, ya fucktard!" With a flick of her tail, two cards switched places. After years of practice and only a few hours of jail time, she had perfected the art of cheating. Then she realized something. "Shit," she said. "We forgot to bet. Dammit."

"I ain't got nothin' to bet," said Blaze.

"Me neither," Sarcasm piped.

     Ethelind scowled and shook her head. "You're not getting a single bit out of me, Spade. I already lost twenty to Sarcasm."

"Hurricane, technically."

"I don't care! I'm not betting."

     Sarcasm grinned and looked to Ethelind. He belched. "Pussy."

     Blaze scoffed. "She's got more guts than your ass."

"Fuck you."

"Right back at ya pal."

"Fucktard."

"Dipshit."

"Short-ass."

"Fuckin' stoner i'll beat your ass!"

     Blaze jumped over to Sarcasm and started pummeling him with his hooves. Sarcasm just pushed him off and belched again. "I'm older and taller than you. Not to mention twice as strong. Wanna take me on? Let's take it outside."

"Cliché much?" Spade mumbled.

Sarcasm walked out of the bar, smacking Blaze on the side of the head on his way out. Blaze followed, and the sound of fighting could soon be heard from outside.

I forgot all about this story. The hell was it about again?

     Spade looked to the front of the bar. "That sounds intense."

     Ethelind giggled.

     Spade looked over to the Germane pony. "The hell are you laughing..." She saw an empty cider mug in front of Ethelind. "You just drink that?"

     Ethelind smiled and nodded.

"What the fuck is going through your mind, chica?"

     Ethelind shrugged, still giggling like a madpony. She was staring now, her cheeks getting more and more pink as the alcohol began to take more effect on her low alcohol tolerated body.

     Spade blinked. "What the actual fuck is wrong with you?"

     Ethelind stopped giggling suddenly, but her gaze was unbroken. Her cheeks were now hot pink.

"Ethelind, goddammit, stop staring. You're weirding me out."

     Ethelind blinked and shook her head. She smiled again and scotted closer to Spade. "Hey," she said in a hushed tone. "Can I tell you something?"

     Spade leaned away from Ethelind. "Uhhh, sure?"

     Ethelind's eyes peered right into Spade's. The two mares' eyes looked back at each other, Spade's more confused and Ethelind's just plain drunk.

      Ethelind hiccupped and leaned back. "There's this study I wanted to conduct with somepony, and this is the perfect opportunity. Will you help out?"

      Spade shrugged. "Just don't get so damn close to me. Fuckin' weird."

      Ethelind cleared her throat. "Okay, i'm gonna ask you a series of thirty-six questions, and after that we have to stare into each others' eyes for four uninterrupted minutes. Okay?"

"Uh, no. I think I know what this study is. This is a crush tr-" Spade's pupils dilated to the size of pinpricks. She turned to Ethelind. "What the fuck. What the actual fuck. Oh hell no. Hell, to the fucking no. Nope, fuck this. I'd rather go hang out with egomaniac and his soon to be DJ lover than deal with this shit. Fuck it." She stood up and trotted to the bar. She ordered ten mugs of beer and ten of vodka from Chuck. It was all on the house. Her eyes dark, she consumed herself in the alcohol.

      Meanwhile, Ethelind was passed out in booth.

      Hurricane was still talking to Vinyl, trying to get her in bed.

      Blaze was on the ground with a bloody nose and a concussion.

      Sarcasm was headed back to the booth unscathed.

      And Trock was sitting in the park. With nopony. Alone. Sad. In the dark.

      Sarcasm had made it back ro the booth, wondering why Spade was at the bar and Ethelind was out cold. "This must've gone to shit." He sat down and ran his hoof through his mane. "Masochist's talking to DJ chick, Asshole's getting really drunk, and Smart-ass is out cold. Holy fuck I missed the real fun. Dammit."

      Ethelind stirred. "Spade come back... I didn't..." she started to snore.

      By then, Sarcasm was as confused as a newborn foal with a Rubix Cube.