A Shitty Compilation of Shitty Short Storiesby Wew_TildeChaptersWhen I Tried CourtTwilight and FoalconStar Swirl the Bearded's Famous Penis CrusadeThe Man Who Founded EquestriaWagner and the Giant PonyA Night of Pure PissTeh Grate Wor of 1941-14When I Tried Court Our Lord, Anonymous, tried court on the 11th of December, something-era of Sun-butt's reign. This is how it went. "Celly!" I yelled. "Du fuq u wan, bich?!" Princess Celestia yelled back. "I want to try court!" I said matter-of-factly. Yes. The time had come (and I as well) for me to take up the court of the mighty Equestrian Empire so I may finally show Celly that I am not a baby. I'm a big boy! The duck alicorn of butts licked my face, and said something about sperm and ears. I thought about lamps. Celly ran off on her hind legs, waving her tush and hooves like a deranged hobo over to Princess Woona, who was sitting in a cage with a giant, rotting equine penis hanging from the ceiling. "Oh, howo thithtah! How'th it goin'?" She greeted with her retarded lisp thing. So disgusting. Celly went up to the cage and slapped Woona, then both alicorns started sniffing each other. Suddenly, Star Swirl the fucking Bearded appeared and started acting like a boss. He was riding a giant rabbit thing with razor-sharp teeth and eyes that emitted lasers. Star Swirl was wielding the legendary Great Sword of His Awesome-Sexiness, and fifty SCAR-L's, whilst fighting off all the evils (gluten) of the world. He was doing this while thinking up answers to all the fucking theories in Equestria that haven't been answered yet, because he was that badass. It was so amazing, that I couldn't resist masturbating to His Lordship. "Cerestia and-a Runa," He said in his amazing Japanese accent. "Yoo rack discirprine to ru' Equestria! I hereby banish yoo, in 'na name of my penis!" He spoke with such ferocity, that I hadn't even touched my dick before it began erupting jizz. "Uh! Muh dick!" I screamed. His Majesty turned towards me, and spoke, "Yoo, friend Anonermous! Yoo havah du honor and discirprine to ru' du court and Equestria!" I was so proud of myself. "YES SENPAI!" said I as tears ran down my red and pale cheeks. His dick, which was the size of two of the tallest towers in Canterlot, suddenly grew, and reached out to me, and split, creating the fleshy semen-colored crown with /pol/'s emblem emblazoned upon the surface. Thousands of ponies suddenly piled into the room, all wearing black Nazi officer uniforms and red armbands on their left forelegs. They were the best race of all the ponies - the Earth Ponies. I gladly placed the crown atop my head. I started flinging my arms around whilst reciting an old speech in German. As this was happening, Star Swirl (who took off His fake horn) rolled out the Grand Swastika of the Nazi Empire. I was greeted with cheers and heils. The ponies raised their right forelegs in the air. "SEIG HEIL! SEIG HEIL! SEIG HEIL!" they cheered, united. They put me into a black Rolls-Royce Phantom II (which was being driven by my new sexy secretary, Aryanne), and drove me out of the castle, cheering and wailing. Panzers and Jagdpanthers rolled along. All planes of the Luftwaffe flew overhead. Butterkase and bratwurst and sauerkraut rained down from the skies, and hobos came out of hiding to eat the food bestowed upon them. No wandering folk shall be penetrated tonight by starving scum whilst I'm here! Nein! We rolled on until we came upon the quiet town of Ponyville. The Mane Six trotted up to me. "Anon, what the hell are you doing?" Twilight asked. "What do you mean peasant?! I am your Fuhrer! Bow down!" I demanded. How dare she?! "Anon, really, cut the shit. You're scaring ponies." she replied. "That is because they are not worthy to join my great cause, unicorn filth!" I said. She rolled her eyes. Her horn lit up for a moment. "Anon, stop and look at yourself," she stated, as the light on her horn quickly dissipated. Huh. That was weird. Where did my crown go-? "What the-?" I looked at myself. I was naked. Rarity handed me a mirror, disgusted. My eyes were slightly bloodshot, I had too much lipstick on, my nose was mildly red, and there was white powder under my nostrils. I kept sniffing. "Y'all were high," Applejack said. She was right. I was riding a very scared looking Lyra with her horn ripped off and large amounts of blood trailing over her forehead, a bunch of twigs and a rabbit sat atop my head, and a bag was resting at my side with some marijuana, a bong, cocaine, and some LSD tablets. There was also a bunch of hungry looking timberwolves next to me with crudely made uniforms and swastikas on their forelegs, who Fluttershy quickly shooed away. (I guess they were only interested in me. Hmph.) I also had a bunch of cardboard weapons, tanks, and cannons trailing behind Lyra by a thick line of chain. I heard screams in the background, and smelled smoke. I cringed. Rainbow Dash pointed behind me. I looked. The half of Ponyville that I'd past through was in ruins. There was fire, dead bodies covered in bullet holes, crumbling buildings, craters, and different body parts and gore were strewn about, along with some bile. Canterlot was a burning mess in the background. Large plumes of smoke rose above the many towers and buildings. A trail of destruction lead to Ponyville. I heard Lyra quietly whisper, "why" underneath me, which caused Twilight to levitate me off. "You have cost us billions in property damage, destroyed fifteen acres of federal land, killed thousands of ponies, and nearly destroyed Canterlot and half of Ponyville! Would do you have to say, Anon? Was a little coke worth the destruction of a civilization?" Twilight questioned. I thought for a moment. Then it hit me. "Ooooooh. You're trying to tell me that using drugs was a bad idea, and I should've behaved the law like a good boy, because laws are made for a reason." I answered smugly. Applejack bucked me in the face. Twilight and Foalcon"Hello?! Anypony out there?!" Twilight, sister of the captain of the Equestrian guard, pupil of Princess Celestia Herself, Element of Magic, and princess of Friendship.... Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand protector of pedophiles everywhere. Of course, like with any sentient being, she is corrupt, and uses her power to get what she wants, whether it be a child sex slave, food, gold, a child sex slave, or even an adult sex slave. So, being a pedo herself, she takes pity upon those caught with foal porn or with a foal. But never mind that, currently, she's on a mission. A mission to find the God of Pedophilia. A mission to find - Pedobear. Of course, she could've just sent a platoon of conquistadors to look for it, but she doesn't trust their intelligence (if you can even call it that) enough to leave them on their own. Unfortunately, she didn't take Celly's advice of being "careful of what you eat", and is now a fat tub of lard. So, naturally, she had servants carry her. But, why does she want to find this "Pedobear"? Beats me, the bloody pony's usin' a mind-block spell. "*Pant*, hey, HEY SPIKE!! Yeah you, come 'ere!" "Y-yes your highness! Coming right away!" "Mhmm. That's a good boy. Now, I want you to write a letter." "To Princess Celestia?" "NEIN! To, uh, *burp* eh, mah brothah." "Um, okay...." Dear I'm-Less-Successful-Than-My-Sister, Hello faggot *burp*, oh goddesses... eh Spike? Don't write me 'burps' and such, 'kay? Okay, alright, let us try that again, shall we? *Ahem*" Dear I'm-Less-Successful-Than-My-Sister, Hello faggot, I'm writing to you 'cause I need help. Half of my guards have died of malaria, and my servants are dropping like flies from exhaustion. So, if you could be a dear and- *burp*, ah shite- and bring me more expendables.... Oh, and I'm running a little low on food, so I'd like you to bring some as well. We shall be half way across Hayseed Swamps. I expect you to arrive in three days, if you move quickly. Your Amazing And Beautiful Lover, Princess Twilight Sparkle "That ought to do it. Send it now, Spikey!" "Aye aye, princess." As Spike sent the letter, Twilight couldn't help but recite the book, Old Gods of Old Tales, which was where she heard about the "terrifying" Pedobear. As Spike sent the letter, Twilight couldn't help but recite the book, Old Gods of Old Tales, which was where she heard about the "terrifying" Pedobear. The Pedobear, or God of Pedophilia, was told amongst the many villages of Equestria, in the late Classical Era. Back then, many started to form the notion that marrying foals was wrong, as many also figured that foals could be more than just annoying foals (after Spinwood the Great), and old ideals such as "foals are to be seen, not heard", diminished. See, they realized that some foals may not want a partner, or depending on the age, an adult partner, and thus made monsters to scare young ones "out of their future pedophilia". The only surviving written copy of the tale was found southeast of the Hayseed Swamps, in an old ruin, a couple hundred years ago. Supposedly, the explorers reported strange activity around the place, claiming it to be haunted. Of course, their greed got the better of them, and they took all they could find. A few years later, one of the explorers, the leader to be exact, was found dead, in his house, after he failed to show at a convention. His sphincter was ripped apart, and copious amounts of semen was discovered in his colon. When checked to see whose semen it belonged to, it was realized amongst the forensics department that it was a cross between alicorn and bear semen. The same happened to all but one of the explorers, and by then they were trying to return all of the artifacts found in the ruins, believing the items to be cursed. Once the last explorer finally reached the ruins, he was greeted by a terrifyingly large bear, who raped him with his huge phallus. Somehow, he survived, but just barely. He died once he told his story, at the edge of Baltimare. Unfortunately, there were no copies made of the old tale, but one would suppose it is for the best.[ "Oh- *burp* uh shite...." * * * After five days, and a shipment from her brother, Twilight had nearly reached her goal. "Oi! Eh ya bloody fools! I think we've nearly reached it!" The crowd of ponies cheered in delight as she said this. "SHUT UP!" yelled Twilight. And so they did. Later that night, whilst Twilight was alone, looking over some maps and notes, an apparition appeared. Twilight looked up in bewilderment, and screamed for help, as she tried to move it with her magic, to no avail. "Your screams cannot be heard, as I have paused time and space itself...." "W-what?!" "Listen, and listen well, foolish mortal. I have come to warn y-" "Warn me?! Why?!" "Okay, look, it is getting really fucking annoying when you shout, so ple- No, wait, I've got a better idea." See? Now I'm speaking to you through a mind-link spell. Simple! Eh, what do you want? Twilight telepathically asked. I have come to warn you of your quest. You see, Pedobear is dangerous, incredibly s- Why don't you just stop me? Y'know, teleport me to my castle? Twilight interjected. If you had let me finish, you imbecile, I would've said why. I can't touch you, not physically anyway, and because magic is a physical force... the ghost explained. Alright, alright. Wait, who are you? My name is not important. Bu- Yes, it is. Speak now, Twilight commanded. You dare command me?! Would you like to be disciplined?! Oh, yes! PLEASE! Eh... *Ahem* Let's talk. Why don't you take a seat over there? As soon as the ghost finished his words, Twilight instantly knew who it was. Chris Hansen! The Anti-Pedo! "FUCK IT!" And with that, the Anti-Chris Boooo! left. Twilight was slightly worried about the Pedobear, as Chris hardly left his bridge, except in dire circumstances. Hmmmm... Twilight thought, as she fell asleep. * * * The next morning, Twilight Sparkle got up, to find that the ponies were ready to go. This mad her extra happy, and so she forgot about everything that that one... guy.... Shit. Anyway, after a few hours, she finally reached the ruins. "Oh, *burp* finally. Alright everypony, I know what to do. You, Spike, *hic*, I want you to take that scroll from that pedestal, and run three meters away. Wait three minutes, and run back and place it back." "Why me? I know what will happen...." "WHY'RE YOU READIN' MAH BOOKS?!" Twilight yelled in fury. "Well, I read the book a long time ago, when I was still friends with y-" "Shut it! I get it!" Spike did as he was told and ran back and forth. As the book made contact with the pedestal, a giant bear appeared, whilst this awful song about liking little girls played from afar. It grabbed Spike, who was screaming, and, after letting its massive cock erect, jammed it into Spike's little dragon anus. After a few minutes, Spike's body was nothing more than a pile of flesh. But because dragons cannot be killed, he was still alive. Everypony stood in horror as the Pedobear finally released a wave of semen upon Spike and those around them. Twilight slowly began to speak. "You have had your meal. Now, we need your help." The god turned to Twilight, who gulped, and spoke. "W-we are m-most g-grateful f-for such a m-meal. W-we have n-not had one in q-quite some time!" "If I may ask, O King of Pedophilia, why do you address thyself as 'we'?" "O-oh, w-well, you see, m-my p-penis is a b-being as w-well. I r-recognize y-you as a f-follower of m-mine." "Oh, you've got no idea," whispered one of the guards. "SILENCE FOOL!!! OR SUFFER THE SAME FATE OF THIS PUNY DRAGON!!!" "O-oh, Ph-phallus, w-why m-must y-you embarrass m-me...." Oh, I see, thought Twilight. "S-so, what w-would y-you like, m-ma'am?" "Oh, my, quite the gentlemen! If you insist, I would like to have the power to make pedophilia legal all throughout the known world!" "O-oh, m-my, 'tis q-quite a request. V-very w-well then, y-you may h-have this p-power." And so Twilight was about to get what she came for.... But alas, she never did, as someone had come to stop Pedobear. Chris Hansen, otherwise known as the Anti-Chris, suddenly appeared. Again. "YOU!!! I should've killed you when I had the chance!" "M-me?!" "No, not you fucknut, what you call Phallus, the ACTUAL Pedobear! It's time for you to pay for your sins!" "NAY!!! YOU CANNOT ATTACK ME WHEN I HAVE A PHYSICAL BODY, IMBECILE!!!" Oh, but I can!" The Anti-Chris flew into Spike, and after a split-second, the dragon started to mend together, becoming whole. "See! I've got his tiny dragon cock!" "HAH!!! 'TIS NO MATCH FOR ME!!! I AM THREE CUBITS LONG!!!" "Yeah, well, if I start taking stuff, I'll grow! And there seems to be a lot of crap laying around!" Spike knew what to do. He quickly started to take all the artifacts, and eventually grew to the size of Gojira. "HAH!!! SEE?! I AM FIFTEEN CUBITS IN LENGTH!!!" [Cue le Darth Vader NOOOO etc. thingy] Youtube Video "Glad that's over. Too bad I had to kill the bear. Well Spike, you may have your body back. Oh, and if you ever need my help, call me with this." Hansen flew out of Spike's urethra as Spike shrunk back to his original form. He spawned a bronze torc, emblazoned with sapphires. Spike picked it up, shouted goodbye, and waved, as Chris Hansen flew up, up into the sky and pass the Ether. Spike would never forget this mo- "Gimme that Spike, or two months in the dungeon." "Yes Princess Twilight." "That's The Great and Powerful Princess Twilight to you, mister. Now fuck off." And the party traveled home, leaving the crumbling ruins behind. No, like, seriously. It was crumbling beneath the earth, and they were running like crazy trying to get away. Once they left, a huge crater took the ruins' place. Water from the nearby ocean poured into the crater, turning the area in to a bay. THE END Star Swirl the Bearded's Famous Penis CrusadeStar Swirl the Goddamn Bearded stood upon a balcony to the palace in Canterlot, overlooking the great Empire of multicolored peasants and retards. Not to mention the hobos. And the pompous-ass hipsters. And the hippies. Aaaand the fetishists. And the criminals. And finally, the sexy mighty feminine glory that is Princess Celestia. There's also Luna, but that's irrelevant. Anyways, the Great Wizard sighed mournfully. What an ass-fucking cum-munching dick-licking ass-fingering pussy-jabbing shit-filled country this is, he thought. A cold breeze blew past his sheathed member, which shrunk from fear. What a damned pussy. "It's quite alright, my friend. There's no pony here to hurt you. Goddamn it, I need some shit to eat," Star Swirl stated. He did a 360 flip backwards whilst wacking off to fillies down below before landing behind the curtains leading to the balcony. He looked around his room, inspecting every inch of it for no particular reason. Everything in it spelled autism, and it helped with keeping all the weird social ponies out of there. Star Swirl moved onwards with a steady mind and stout heart toward the royal kitchen. On his way, he was assaulted by five maids seeking sex. Thinking quickly, he assessed their tactics, and seeing flaws, he swiftly took care of them. He unhooked his staff from his back and brought it in front of him, all the while charging up a shock spell. He swung mildly around like a drunkard while flinging lightening in random directions. The maids' eyes burned from the awesome technique of the wizard, and they crumpled upon the floor, defeated and writhing in agony. Star Swirl tea-bagged the nearest maid and galloped off, laughing at their misery. There were also three guards that happened to be patrolling the nearby area, and had watched the nearby spectacle with awe, but did nothing to intervene, because sandwiches. * * * When Star Swirl finally reached the kitchen, he was mildly exhausted. He threw open the refrigerator door and used his tongue to seek out the best beverage to quench his thirst. He found a cold beer and a cake. He levitated both products to his mouth and swallowed both. You know, 'cause he's Star Swirl the fucking Bearded. He's that awesome. Anyways, the wizard, finally deciding to get on with the plot, he teleported outside of the castle to begin his planned crusade. The Goddamn glorious crusade of penises is a-go! He ordered a nearby guard to assemble his battalion. "And if my name isn't Star Swirl the Bearded, my name is STAR SWIRL THE FUCKING BEARDED! I shall be victorious in this mighty and beloved crusade! HOO-AH!" Star Swirl shouted while raising his beautiful fore-hoof into the air. A hawk screeched in the distance. MEANWHILE.... "Heh hueh hah hah haaAAH! You dirty fat-fucking dumb dumbity dumb dumb goy! How dare you even say that, you evil wizard! What has Penisrael done for Equestria? Oh I'll tell you! It's a little something called EVERYTHING! And what do we get? Holocaust after holocaust after holocaust! I swear, if that so called wizard decides to stage a crusade against my people - my wonderful people - I will personally see to that horrible Empire's destruction! I'LL HAVE NONE OF IT, I TELL YOU! NONE! Yeeah ahah ah AH HAH! They'll all pay...." a high pitched voice declared. It was, my God, a penis. Yes, a penis - the Lord of all Penises, ranging from all over the world and inside Penisrael, the infamous capital of the penises. A penis dressed all in black with a large hood and a scythe hanging behind his barrel. And his plan, his ingenious plan, was to take back everything Penisrael had done for Equestria, and rape Star Swirl in his anus. (That's some future shit right there.) AND SO WE JOIN OUR HERO ONCE MORE.... Star Swirl barely walked two blocks before collapsing in front of a bar. A man dressed in a suit walked over to him. "Eww. An old guy," he said before picking up a nearby stick and poking the wizard's snout. Yes, it was the hobo guy from the alley that always liked to spy on Celestia and Luna while they were doing... well, anything. Be it in the bathroom, doing court, walking the corridors, sitting mindlessly on their thrones, or just eating. It was his fetish. "No, you bloody fool!" Star Swirl shouted while standing abruptly. The wizard looked at the human with disgust. His face... oh by Celestia's breasts, his face... his eyes were unnaturally large and separated from his nose. He had a large bristly uni-brow and his cheeks were bulging. This man's name was Gary Gold-Dick. Gary squatted down and whispered into Star Swirl's ear. "Do you want to see my talking penis?" "What the holy fucking fuck did you just say, boy?!" Star Swirl shouted. Gary slurped and pulled down his pants. Inside was his Golden Penis of Glory. "Hi everybody!" the penis said in a soft, soothing voice, usually befitting a pedophile. "OH GOD!" The wizard exclaimed. A soft breeze whipped across the phallus, and a dribble of pre-cum squeezed out. The wizard started vomiting violently. "I need to go to the home of my people in Penisrael. Can you take me?" The penis asked Star Swirl. The wizard, recovering from the violent onslaught of his bile, considered what the penis said for a moment. He sighed. "Fine. Goddamn it," Star Swirl said, depressed from the new "company" sent from the depths of Hell. The Penis whispered a "yay" and dragged Gary over to the wizard. Star Swirl sighed again and grabbed the Penis with his right for-hoof and teleported them to the bottom of the mountain. There stood 16,000 stallions dressed in crusader armor from early 1192. There were pike-men, infantrymen, bowmen, spearmen, engineers manning catapults, and siege towers. "What?! You're going to attack my people?! What's wrong with you? Mooooom! They're trying to kill us-!" the penis yelled out in vain. Star Swirl smacked his staff against the penis, knocking it clean off. "Oh God why?!" Gary knelt down and shouted towards the sky in immense pain. "WE MARCH!!! CELESTE VULT!!!" Star Swirl shouted towards the crusader army. "CELESTE VULT!!! CELESTE VULT!!! CELESTE VULT!!!" they cheered. And so the party marched to Penisrael, leaving a broken man and his wiener behind. After three days, they came upon the Holy City of Jerusalami. Alec Baldwin IV, also known as the Leprechaun King, greeted them with Bad DragonTM dildos as presents and a pork phallus for a feast. "Now, Star Swirl, we shall discuss the plan on the morrow, as I would like to watch more gay porn with my dog," Alec told Star Swirl. "Fine. But, we must act soon if we are to win." "Let me make something clear: we talk about the plan, TOMORROW. Okay? Alright. Now, I sent some male prostitutes up to your room, and they seem really lonely...." "Are they stallions?" "Yes." "See yah!" And with that, Star Swirl the Bearded left the dining hall. * * * "GIVE IT TO ME!" yelled Star Swirl. Star Swirl the Bearded was having his anus penetrated by a male prostitute, and was nearly finished when suddenly a thought struck him. "WAIT A MINUTE! We don't need a battle plan, because we have an army large enough! CLOVER!" Clover the Clever suddenly burst into the room, as if she were waiting just outside the door. "Yes Senpai?" "Rally the forces. We attack tonight." And so the army marched towards H8n' Volcano, where the Pewbs' (Penisraelites) capital was located (picture above). And then they waited, having set up camp about a mile away. Once Luna's grace befell upon them, the army attacked H8n'. * * * "We're under attack!" shouted countless Pewbs. Counterweight Trebuchets fired nonstop at the capital, causing considerable amounts of damage inside the city. Not so much the walls, though. After days of bombardment, the firing ceased. And the army charged forward. Siege towers adorned with iron rods rolled towards the walls, running through the moat like it was nothing. The Pewbs were terrified, and fled the city. Once Star Swirl realized that they weren't fighting back anymore, he called for a cease fire. They had won the city, but they had yet to- "Master Star Swirl?" "Yes Clover?" "I found the lord. His head's been cut off." "Oh." Oh. Well, I guess that's THE END The Man Who Founded Equestria"Strangers passing in the street, by chance two separate glances meet, I am you and what I see is me, and do I take you by the hand...." "Wow...." Kyle Lemons, a seventeen-year-old high school dropout in the Summer of Love. Yes ladies and gentlemen, this is that kind of story. "Why do they call it "hate" and "ash-berry"? I mean, I don't see hate; I see berries, though, they aren't ashy; they're, like, strawberries, man." "True, true man.... So true...." Kyle took a swig from his joint. "Hey, how're parents Kyley? I bet they're kinda pissed, with you... hanging out with us, and all." "Yeah, I'll bet they're pretty fucking mad, Lavender." "Hey, I thought I told you to call me Lavey...." "Eh, sorry. Hey, Carly? You wanna go back to the tent with me and Lavey?" "Depends. I ran out of birth pills...." "Oh, it's fine Carly! I got pills here." Lavender conjured a bottle from her satchel, and handed it to Carly, who was next to her. "Okay, let's go." "Hey, Freddy, you wanna join?" "Nah, I'm thinkin'." Fred lit his bong, whilst Kyle walked over to him. "Thinking about... what?" "Well, life." "Alright, okay. You go play with yourself out here, then." "Thank you." Kyle walked over to his tent, where Carly and Lavender were waiting. "Hey Kyle!" "Hey ladies...." Kyle pulled down his pants, revealing his AIDS-infested hippie dick. He had no underwear, and so his balls were raw. He had no shirt, but necklaces and a blue headband. The girls undressed themselves while they were waiting for Kyle, and so spread their legs apart to greet him. Kyle threw himself onto Carly, his member finding its target upon impact. "Ow-y! Mmmaaaahhh...." Carly moaned. Kyle moved his left hand towards Lavender, and motioned for her to move herself closer. When she was within reach, he stuck his fist into her wet, stinky vagina, which she was rubbing moments before, due to the scene splayed before her. "Ooooaaaahh! K-Kyle.... YES!" screamed Carly as she began to twitch and squirm. "Fffuuu- ouch! Your nails Kyle!" Lavender mentioned towards Kyle, who just couldn't seem to orgasm. "Here...." Kyle lifted himself up off of Carly, - who had just finished - and onto Lavender. He slid his throbbing penis into her throbbing, gangrene-colored pussy. "Oooohh...." Kyle groaned as he felt the thick slime of Lavender's insides. Ew. "AAAAAHHH!!!" screamed Lavender as she orgasmed. Kyle began to thrust faster and faster, until he finally felt that tiny drop of semen leave his sausage. (He just began puberty.) Suddenly, as Kyle began to regain his senses after such an intense amount of action, he realized that he was flying through space. "Whoa.... I think the acid's starting to kick in...." After what seemed like days, he finally hit hard ground. "Ouch! Fuck!" Kyle got up, rubbing his sore head to see... nothingness. "Trippin' dude...." Pure nothingness. He felt the ground (or what he presumed to be the ground) to find his hands slipping though, and himself flipping onto the other side (or at least, that's what it felt like). The whole thing made no sense to him, as he could definitely feel something hard beneath his feet, but - when using hands - could not touch it. "I kinda want some lights turned on up in here." he declared, scratching his ass. Suddenly, as if on cue, a great ball of light appeared in front of him. "Cool. Hmm.... It's kinda bright.... I wish it were further away from me." And so the ball of light flew... nowhere. "Oh wait!" exclaimed Kyle. "It has nowhere to go! I wish... there was, like, a sky, or something." And so there was. And the ball flew up, up into the new, "sky". "Man, I'm kinda thirsty...." Oceans and lakes appeared as far as the eye can see, and clouds formed in the sky, and the nothingness around Kyle became moist, ever so slightly. "Whoa... it's like, the Bible, or something.... Am I God? So, God isn't dead? I know the answer! I can't wait to see the look on Lavey's face when I tell her I'm right! I- I- I'm... right.... Will I ever return home?" Like a wave crashing against a shore, Kyle realized how lonely how lonely he was. Just then, his stomach growled. "Man, I'm hungry...." As expected, vegetation grew from the soil, and grew and grew until he could no longer look a meter away before seeing a tree or two. "The land seems kinda flat...." And so the ground shook, and rumbled and quaked, until it finally took shape. The oceans and lakes were rearranged, but the plants were fine. "It looks like they're still growing...." Aye, that they were. And if Kyle doesn't do something quick.... "I know! I wish there were stars and a moon and sun, 'cause, like, the ball isn't giving off heat and I'm cold, and, like, the moon to replace it to keep temperatures regulated. Oh, plus, the stars, like, give off light and stuff, so I can see in the dark!" God damn you Kyle, you pot-filled bastard. "Oh shit! Ouch! These vines are hurtin' man!" Drops of blood fell from his arms as he cut himself on some thorns. "Oh, I wish there were animals to eat you!" And then there were. "Whoa, sorry man; lost my cool there for a second." Is that faggot talking to the- ah, never mind. It's pointless to think about. Behind Kyle, a sudden rustling was heard. "Hi!" "WHAT?!" Kyle looked around in bewilderment. "EEEP!" "What? Hello? Anybody there? Don't worry, I don't bite!" "You scared me!" "Well, sorry, but like, dude, you scared me, also!" "Eh...." The shrubs to the left of Kyle started to move, and as he turned his ugly hippie head, he saw - to his amazement - a white pony. But this was not regular pony. Oh no, this one was special, as it was adorned with a horn atop its head, and wings on the sides. It had a red mane and tail, and blue eyes. "How... how did you, like, y'know, get here?" "I dunno. However, I remember my fetal years, and being awoken over there," she pointed to her left, near some vines. "Where I suddenly found that I could move." "What? Years? 'Tis only been but a few hours! How...." "Well.... I...." "Wait, over by the vines you say?" "Yes, but-" "And your mane and tail are red...." "They are? Oh, well I haven't been able to look at myself, so-" "The vines cut me, and I must of bled. I bet you came from my blood." "Ew." "Meh. Eh, may I climb onto your back?" "Yes, you may." "Thank you." After a short spell of flying, Kyle asked this horse a question. Well, several. "So, what's your name?" "No idea. But, I have this word in my head, that I have had since I was born. "Faust"." "Eh, man, so, like, try wishing for something." "Why?" "Well, like, I wanna prove if my theory that you're from my blood is true, er, or not." "How-" "I created all this by wishing, so like, maybe it'll be the same." "'Kay, alright! I wish I could birth two of my kind, create a massive empire that this world could not live without, and I want a million different other things that I just thought up in my head!" Suddenly, all of this happened at once, and her head exploded. Kyle fell from the sky, and died. THE END Wagner and the Giant PonyWagner Kraut-Fritz was making his famous Kraut-Cakes when suddenly a giant pony appeared. This is his story. A shrill whistle emitted from above the dirt trenches, causing Private Wagner Kraut-Fritz the Kraut-Cake of the German Empire to look up in surprise. Not long after, an artillery shell exploded near the small barracks housing him and his comrades. Dirt sprayed out in multiple areas as the boom subsided, and the soldiers near the blast acted as though it was an everyday thing. Wagner sighed through his small sponge holes. He tiredly hopped off his bed, adorned in a grey greatcoat and NCR Ranger helmet. He picked up two Smith and Wesson .44 Magnums, two frag grenades, two mustard gas mini-tanks, and an M4 Assault Carbine. Wagner hopped over to the pot of soup by the left wall of the cement bunker, and started peeing. A German comrade walked over wearing his uniform, excluding the trousers, which he wore none. "Morning, Wagner. Mmm, by the Kaiser's fat bulging penis, this soup is glorious," the soldier complemented. "Glorious indeed... mmmm, yes, mmm yes, yes yes yes yessssss... Jews yes, yes... oh mein Gott Jews...." "Shut up, Adolf. You peasant courier. Everyone in our company knows you have a scat fetish." Wagner hissed, then spat into the soup. Wagner unsheathed his trench knife and hooked it onto the end of his rifle, then stabbed Adolf in the balls. Large gushes of pee, sticks, rocks, and semen all flowed out of Adolf Hitler's balls while he softly moaned. While Hitler fell into a world of bliss and ecstasy, Wagner hopped out of the bunker. Ah, grey skies. Never ceases to bore me, thought Wagner. He hopped down the trenches while whistling a happy tune. "Mein Lederhosen! Oh Gott! Zey are charging!" a scout yelled. "Ze British are coming! NEIN!!!" Random German soldiers scrambled about. Wagner mindlessly hopped out of the trenches and out into No Man's Land, a happy tune playing in his head. Three Sopwith Camels flew overhead, firing at a Fokker Dr. 1. Shells exploded about, tank stoppers, barbed wire, craters, fire, and a dead tree stood before Wagner. It was pure chaos. And Wagner grew hard from it all. Countless numbers of British soldiers thundered towards him, screaming threats and insults, such as, "YER DEAD YA BLEEDIN' WANKERS!", or, "I'LL BASH YE FOOKIN 'EAD IN I SWEAR ON ME MUM!". The British were among the most interesting and uncivilized bunch on the whole bloody Earth, so you could probably expect something like that. Anyway, so, as Wagner hopped on, the Britbongs fired their rifles in the air, their pants dangling from their legs. Honestly, Wagner had no idea why the other Germans were so scared of the British. All they do is yell nonsense about tea and their country and try picking drunken fights with one another. But wait! Who stood among Wagner now? Well, the bloody Scottish infantry, that's who. Thousands of them stood above the French trenches, with nothing on but their kilts. Bagpipes blared Scotland the Brave obnoxiously loud whilst the Scotsmen ripped their kilts from their waists, and let them fly away with the wind. There they stood. Naked, glorious, and proud. Absolutely proud. Wagner shrugged and, due to his small size, squeezed in between the hairy legs of the Scotsmen. Why Wagner went through all that, is fairly simple: He did it to get to the enemy's supply of Mountain Dew and Doritos, as well as the dank 360° quick-scoping/no-scoping able MLG rifle with gold camouflage. Wagner opened his tanks of mustard gas, and threw them into a nearby mini swamp as cover, for what lay ahead was no ordinary opponent. This, ladies and gentlemen, was Shrek the Ogre. And that swamp, was his. Having a gas mask and being a Kraut-Cake, he could handle the gas. He swiftly pulled two Magnums from their holsters and walked like a badass to Shrek's mini swamp. The swamp was... a swamp. You know, a swamp, with a swamp? A swamp. Damn it, this is hard to explain! Anyways, in the middle of the swamp was a small crater full of Cheetos bags, Doritos bags, Mountain Dew cans, video games and their matching consoles, and a huge 500", ultra high-definition 1,000 karat gold television. And on top of the pile, was the dank rifle, bipod extended, butt on a Doritos bag. "Haven't ya gotten the message? This is my swamp!" a voice bellowed from behind Wagner. "Aye, I got ze message, you bloody fat bastard," Wagner replied cooly, turning around slowly to meet the behemoth before him. Out of the cloud of gas came Shrek the Ogre, who was dresses in a lengthy black leather trench coat and aviators. An Intervention sniper rifle was slung over his back. Wagner trained his Magnums at the ogre. "So... I heard you were lookin' fer the dankest rifle around, eh?" asked Shrek, keeping his gaze on Wagner, who didn't reply. Shrek sighed. "It didn't have to come to this, lad. You'll never beat meh. Give it up." Shrek smirked. Again, Wagner kept to himself. Shrek sighed once more. "I'm sorry it's come to this...." Shrek expertly flipped the bolt-action sniper rifle over his shoulder and into his hands. He quickly spun around and fired off a shot. The Intervention's bullet nearly hit Wagner. He sprang into action, jumping off to his right while firing the Magnums' twelve rounds at Shrek. He was blown back by only the even shots that managed to hit him. He was now in a puddle of mud, clutching his stomach and coughing up blood. Wagner emptied his weapons and - in very after blowing smoke that billowed from the barrels away in a clichéd way, tucked the two Magnums into his trench coat, then walked over to Shrek, a hand inside Wagner's trench coat fingering one of the Magnums. "Get Shrekt," said Wagner. "Lad... *cough* please*... take the rifle- *cough* you've earned it... I go to Valhalla...." Shrek weezed out. "Pfft! Bitch, you ain't even Slovak!" Wagner scoffed. He sauntered off toward the rifle, the beginning of O Fortuna playing in his head. A beam of light shown over the rifle, its golden surface gleaming. It was so beautiful. Wagner carefully held up the rifle, and slung it over his back. "Well, 'story's over. What shall I do now, hmm?" Wagner asked to no one in particular. He shrugged. "Kraut-Cakes it it!" And so, in the comfy confines of his bunker, he made fifty Kraut-Cakes in honor of the quick-scoping ogre. Then, a giant pony appeared. "hello everybody! this is bee-bee. i'm just a giant pony right now, and tryin' my huge dick out. so i'm just, um, being bored right now, so um, yup. i'm gettin' ready to watch tv; nbc, wednesday night, thursday night, those shows. so i'll talk to you later and i hope everybody has a good and wonderful day... night. bye," it said. Wagner, shocked to see the misuse of written dialogue, pulled out one of his Magnums and shot himself. But, being a Kraut-Cake, he was immune to that. "No God why?!" he shouted. "wagner!" the giant pony said. "i've come to tell you that you're not a kraut-cake! you're a cheese cake!" This sudden revelation struck Wagner like a clock. "Fuuuuuuu-" [Cue le Inception bwong] Youtube Video THE END A Night of Pure PissTwilight sighed as she looked at the clock. She missed company. Especially Spike's company, as she always liked to watch him sleep, and of course, to talk things out. But he would rather hang out with Rarity than her. She sighed. Spike was always a damn good therapist. Twilight slowly closed the book she was reading, On Oblivion's Ass, and sat up on her haunches. It was well past nine o'clock, being the usual time for her to read murder porn. But, alas, she just wasn't in the mood. "Well this sucks," Twilight stated, licking the floor sub-consciously. She sighed again as she hopped (like a bunny, duh! didn't you know her father was really an alcoholic rabbit, but disguised himself as a unicorn?) into the kitchen. "I could eat another fetus. Nah, maybe drink some of Gummy's sperm. Why's it so hard to decide?! I'm gonna go rape the door...." She butt-bucked the kitchen table as she walked out. She trotted over to the entrance door, and was about to rub her pussy against the door while mimicking the door's despair (as if it were alive), before a knock came from the door. Now what in Luna's freaking fuck could that be? she thought. Being the paranoid Commie that she is, she slowly drew a Daedric tanto out from the flower vase next to the door, and magically hid it behind her flank. "Her is it?" Twilight asked in a mock Asian accent. "Hi. Um, Twilight? C-could we talk, for a moment?" the voice of the oh-cum-inside-able sexy Miss Rainbow Dash said. Oh, great. It's that bitch. Well, she sounds worried, so I don't think I should go hard on her. Twilight thought to herself. Twilight dropped the tanto back into the vase, and opened the door. "Hi Rainbow, I didn't know it was you." Twilight greeted her friend as Rainbow Dash trotted into the library. "That's me!" Rainbow replied as she waited for Twilight to close the door. "A dozen red roses- I mean, uh, h-how are the wings?" Rainbow Dash stuttered, rubbing her fore-hoof. "Fine, fine...." Twilight replied, eyeing the ceiling. There was a moment of silence. "...Ya stupid cunt," Twilight added, giving Rainbow a cold stare. Both mares stared at each other, Rainbow with a hurt look and Twilight with the same stare. Rainbow's facial expression turned from hurt, to deadpan in ten seconds flat. Then both mares randomly fell on the floor laughing and rolling. After about twenty minutes, both mares finally stopped laughing, and they ended up rolling next to each other. They both sighed, then turned to face each other. They sat up on their haunches, and stared into each other's eyes. "So, why'd you come here?" asked Twilight, scratching her flank. "Oh, just wanted to stop by, and talk about Sweetie Bot's memory chip problem," Rainbow replied, blushing slightly. "YOU'RE LYING!!!" Twilight stated, booping Rainbow on the nose. Silence reined (heh, get it?), and both mares started leaning in about .0000000000001 of an inch after every second passed. "Twilight?" Rainbow asked, putting on a sly smile. "Yes?" Twilight breathed out with bedroom eyes. "I looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve you," Rainbow said, blushing furiously. Damn it! I knew she was homo! Wait... shut up, hypocrite! Twilight thought as they both leaned in and kissed. The kiss was a normal Gandalf, then it turned into a Morgan Freeman, then a Goddamn Bruce Lee-on-Chuck Norris Style. Twilight then teleported herself and Rainbow into her room, where they resumed to passionately kiss. Twilight climbed on top of Rainbow, and broke apart, only to breath of course. "Nope. Nope. No, nope nope nope nope nope...." said the author out loud as he typed while jacking it. "Eh... they should just screw each other and get it over with." And true to the author's words, both mares started f-ing. THE END What, you expected something haht? Go fuck yourselves. Oh, wait, you don't have anything to fuck yourselves to, do you? *Sigh* Fiiiiinnnne. "I love you," Rainbow told Twilight. "I love you, too." Twilight felt her loins catch on fire, and leaned in for another kiss. At this point, Rainbow Dash felt something dripping on her stomach, and looked down Twilight to see that was... wet. Wow, she got wet fast... faster than me! I must be haht! Rainbow thought. Rainbow stopped, and said, "Ready for some fun, Twi?" To which she replied, "Y-yeah... yes!" They sat up onto their haunches. Rainbow Dash, whose wings stood erect, lowered her hoof towards Twilight's pussy. Oh, I'm getting wet, too, thought Rainbow. She ran her hoof up Twilight's slit. "Oh my goodness... Rainbow! Please...." Rainbow Dash understood her cries, and shoved her hoof into Twilight's vagina. "How's that feel, Twi?" "Wonderful... ouch!" Rainbow Dash had started moving her hoof in a pumping motion. After about a minute, Twilight began to feel pressure build behind- "R-Rainbow! D... aaaaaaash!" Whoops, I spoke too soon. A few spasms, a twitching wing, and a sparking horn later, Twilight was ready to pleasure her cyan friend. "Ready Rainbow?" "You betcha!" "Okay...." The purple pony lowered her head, horn pointing forward. "Oh, I see...." Rainbow Dash pushed her hindquarters against Twilight's head, and started moving back and forth. "Oh yeah!" "I see you like that." "Are... you... ki-kidding?" Rainbow said between breathes. "Oh... faster...." But Twilight did not move faster, mostly because she's a bitch. "Please.... Oh goddesses, I'm...." Rainbow came. There were no rainbows, because that wouldn't make sense. Twilight levitated Rainbow's cum into her mouth. "Hmm.... Tastes like zap apples!" "Oh.... Good to know... I guess." "You didn't try mine, did you?" Twilight asked. "No. Maybe tomorrow, if you're in the mood." "Always. Well, unless I'm doing work, then no." "Eh. Anyways, where's Spike?" Rainbow asked Twilight. "At Rarity's." "It's one AM." "Heh, yeah...." "What were you doin' before I got here?" "Watchin' Babylon 5," Twilight told Rainbow. "Why?" "Just curious." "True... true.... Hey, I think you should head home soon." "Why's that?" "Eh.... Some fool niggas was muggin' Fluttershy, so I challenged them to a dance off. I won, and they want revenge." "So what?" "Eh.... I became paranoid, and asked Rarity to prostitute herself for information. She got a hold on some of their plans for me. They're goin' to drive by my house and shoot my house up." "Why don't you tell the police?" "Those niggas are all racist and shit towards us unis." "Excuse me?" "Never mind honey." "Bye bye." "Bye." As Rainbow Dash flew away, Twilight trotted back to her studies, after locking the door of course. After an hour, Spike knocked on the door of Golden Oaks Library. "Hello? Twi! You in there?" No answer. "Dammit! That bitch's probably asleep! Jesus fucking Christ!" Hey, kid! What? Wanna take over narrating while I ask this Spike character... questions? Really? Oh boy! I've always wanted to narrate! Thank you Master Freeman! Yeah yeah! Just shut up and do it. Yes sir! As my glorious master, Morgan Freeman, broke through the Fourth- Wait.... Why did he write our conversation? And why am I writing this down.... My head hurts, so.... "Hey! Her house's over here!" Spike turned around to see a car, which held several ponies dressed in red wielding guns. That was the last thing he ever saw, because the ponies pulled the triggers on their guns and let loose a hail fire of bullets that ripped through Spike's puny body and into the wood of the tree. The next day Twilight buried Spike's body behind the tree before anypony could see. I suck at writing, and this story made no sense. Goodbye. Teh Grate Wor of 1941-14a long tiem ago ina galaksy far far away................................... TEH GRATE WARE EPSIOD 1914 CRISMAS TRUS It is a preiod (heh HEH perod blud lol!1!!1!!!11)1 of wore in thee world far away howevr there is lots of peec. in equstra were whoreses live. Tiny whorez. ponys. it was pece. But in erth, it was WAR!!1!!!1!1!! (o noes!1!!11)!1! yess, A WORLD WART!1!11!1! (my grandmom waz in it so don be meen in the coments k kule :)) world war 1 to be excact. Aniways, it was 1914, and hcristmas. and thet sholder was have fun !! becuz the were fgood but then it end cuz there officishuls said NO!1!!!1 cuz tey'r meanies! an communist happen anywah, in equestra tweilight spoikle (my favrit cuz she smart. i arnt smart, cus i have mental retartshun specificly autism" thats what my docter an mum and pa sayd pls dont be meen too me cuz my dad kill himself :( still sad) she was woking on a spll to increes trade with griffion kingdom, an dshe acidently make PORTUL! to erath. she saw war, and is scared, and gose back equstra, were he safe. War is bad. i fell bad for da solders and her cuz she have to see wat mu granda saw. anyway, it is a gift to all soldrs and ded peepl, also, it, its lade cuz i slow at typin. k, hope u like it!!1!!!11!1! PEECE!11!!!!!:):):) ps I alslo want stick my wienr in Toilet sprinklez aan cum iin her ;)
When I Tried Court Our Lord, Anonymous, tried court on the 11th of December, something-era of Sun-butt's reign. This is how it went. "Celly!" I yelled. "Du fuq u wan, bich?!" Princess Celestia yelled back. "I want to try court!" I said matter-of-factly. Yes. The time had come (and I as well) for me to take up the court of the mighty Equestrian Empire so I may finally show Celly that I am not a baby. I'm a big boy! The duck alicorn of butts licked my face, and said something about sperm and ears. I thought about lamps. Celly ran off on her hind legs, waving her tush and hooves like a deranged hobo over to Princess Woona, who was sitting in a cage with a giant, rotting equine penis hanging from the ceiling. "Oh, howo thithtah! How'th it goin'?" She greeted with her retarded lisp thing. So disgusting. Celly went up to the cage and slapped Woona, then both alicorns started sniffing each other. Suddenly, Star Swirl the fucking Bearded appeared and started acting like a boss. He was riding a giant rabbit thing with razor-sharp teeth and eyes that emitted lasers. Star Swirl was wielding the legendary Great Sword of His Awesome-Sexiness, and fifty SCAR-L's, whilst fighting off all the evils (gluten) of the world. He was doing this while thinking up answers to all the fucking theories in Equestria that haven't been answered yet, because he was that badass. It was so amazing, that I couldn't resist masturbating to His Lordship. "Cerestia and-a Runa," He said in his amazing Japanese accent. "Yoo rack discirprine to ru' Equestria! I hereby banish yoo, in 'na name of my penis!" He spoke with such ferocity, that I hadn't even touched my dick before it began erupting jizz. "Uh! Muh dick!" I screamed. His Majesty turned towards me, and spoke, "Yoo, friend Anonermous! Yoo havah du honor and discirprine to ru' du court and Equestria!" I was so proud of myself. "YES SENPAI!" said I as tears ran down my red and pale cheeks. His dick, which was the size of two of the tallest towers in Canterlot, suddenly grew, and reached out to me, and split, creating the fleshy semen-colored crown with /pol/'s emblem emblazoned upon the surface. Thousands of ponies suddenly piled into the room, all wearing black Nazi officer uniforms and red armbands on their left forelegs. They were the best race of all the ponies - the Earth Ponies. I gladly placed the crown atop my head. I started flinging my arms around whilst reciting an old speech in German. As this was happening, Star Swirl (who took off His fake horn) rolled out the Grand Swastika of the Nazi Empire. I was greeted with cheers and heils. The ponies raised their right forelegs in the air. "SEIG HEIL! SEIG HEIL! SEIG HEIL!" they cheered, united. They put me into a black Rolls-Royce Phantom II (which was being driven by my new sexy secretary, Aryanne), and drove me out of the castle, cheering and wailing. Panzers and Jagdpanthers rolled along. All planes of the Luftwaffe flew overhead. Butterkase and bratwurst and sauerkraut rained down from the skies, and hobos came out of hiding to eat the food bestowed upon them. No wandering folk shall be penetrated tonight by starving scum whilst I'm here! Nein! We rolled on until we came upon the quiet town of Ponyville. The Mane Six trotted up to me. "Anon, what the hell are you doing?" Twilight asked. "What do you mean peasant?! I am your Fuhrer! Bow down!" I demanded. How dare she?! "Anon, really, cut the shit. You're scaring ponies." she replied. "That is because they are not worthy to join my great cause, unicorn filth!" I said. She rolled her eyes. Her horn lit up for a moment. "Anon, stop and look at yourself," she stated, as the light on her horn quickly dissipated. Huh. That was weird. Where did my crown go-? "What the-?" I looked at myself. I was naked. Rarity handed me a mirror, disgusted. My eyes were slightly bloodshot, I had too much lipstick on, my nose was mildly red, and there was white powder under my nostrils. I kept sniffing. "Y'all were high," Applejack said. She was right. I was riding a very scared looking Lyra with her horn ripped off and large amounts of blood trailing over her forehead, a bunch of twigs and a rabbit sat atop my head, and a bag was resting at my side with some marijuana, a bong, cocaine, and some LSD tablets. There was also a bunch of hungry looking timberwolves next to me with crudely made uniforms and swastikas on their forelegs, who Fluttershy quickly shooed away. (I guess they were only interested in me. Hmph.) I also had a bunch of cardboard weapons, tanks, and cannons trailing behind Lyra by a thick line of chain. I heard screams in the background, and smelled smoke. I cringed. Rainbow Dash pointed behind me. I looked. The half of Ponyville that I'd past through was in ruins. There was fire, dead bodies covered in bullet holes, crumbling buildings, craters, and different body parts and gore were strewn about, along with some bile. Canterlot was a burning mess in the background. Large plumes of smoke rose above the many towers and buildings. A trail of destruction lead to Ponyville. I heard Lyra quietly whisper, "why" underneath me, which caused Twilight to levitate me off. "You have cost us billions in property damage, destroyed fifteen acres of federal land, killed thousands of ponies, and nearly destroyed Canterlot and half of Ponyville! Would do you have to say, Anon? Was a little coke worth the destruction of a civilization?" Twilight questioned. I thought for a moment. Then it hit me. "Ooooooh. You're trying to tell me that using drugs was a bad idea, and I should've behaved the law like a good boy, because laws are made for a reason." I answered smugly. Applejack bucked me in the face.
Twilight and Foalcon"Hello?! Anypony out there?!" Twilight, sister of the captain of the Equestrian guard, pupil of Princess Celestia Herself, Element of Magic, and princess of Friendship.... Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand protector of pedophiles everywhere. Of course, like with any sentient being, she is corrupt, and uses her power to get what she wants, whether it be a child sex slave, food, gold, a child sex slave, or even an adult sex slave. So, being a pedo herself, she takes pity upon those caught with foal porn or with a foal. But never mind that, currently, she's on a mission. A mission to find the God of Pedophilia. A mission to find - Pedobear. Of course, she could've just sent a platoon of conquistadors to look for it, but she doesn't trust their intelligence (if you can even call it that) enough to leave them on their own. Unfortunately, she didn't take Celly's advice of being "careful of what you eat", and is now a fat tub of lard. So, naturally, she had servants carry her. But, why does she want to find this "Pedobear"? Beats me, the bloody pony's usin' a mind-block spell. "*Pant*, hey, HEY SPIKE!! Yeah you, come 'ere!" "Y-yes your highness! Coming right away!" "Mhmm. That's a good boy. Now, I want you to write a letter." "To Princess Celestia?" "NEIN! To, uh, *burp* eh, mah brothah." "Um, okay...." Dear I'm-Less-Successful-Than-My-Sister, Hello faggot *burp*, oh goddesses... eh Spike? Don't write me 'burps' and such, 'kay? Okay, alright, let us try that again, shall we? *Ahem*" Dear I'm-Less-Successful-Than-My-Sister, Hello faggot, I'm writing to you 'cause I need help. Half of my guards have died of malaria, and my servants are dropping like flies from exhaustion. So, if you could be a dear and- *burp*, ah shite- and bring me more expendables.... Oh, and I'm running a little low on food, so I'd like you to bring some as well. We shall be half way across Hayseed Swamps. I expect you to arrive in three days, if you move quickly. Your Amazing And Beautiful Lover, Princess Twilight Sparkle "That ought to do it. Send it now, Spikey!" "Aye aye, princess." As Spike sent the letter, Twilight couldn't help but recite the book, Old Gods of Old Tales, which was where she heard about the "terrifying" Pedobear. As Spike sent the letter, Twilight couldn't help but recite the book, Old Gods of Old Tales, which was where she heard about the "terrifying" Pedobear. The Pedobear, or God of Pedophilia, was told amongst the many villages of Equestria, in the late Classical Era. Back then, many started to form the notion that marrying foals was wrong, as many also figured that foals could be more than just annoying foals (after Spinwood the Great), and old ideals such as "foals are to be seen, not heard", diminished. See, they realized that some foals may not want a partner, or depending on the age, an adult partner, and thus made monsters to scare young ones "out of their future pedophilia". The only surviving written copy of the tale was found southeast of the Hayseed Swamps, in an old ruin, a couple hundred years ago. Supposedly, the explorers reported strange activity around the place, claiming it to be haunted. Of course, their greed got the better of them, and they took all they could find. A few years later, one of the explorers, the leader to be exact, was found dead, in his house, after he failed to show at a convention. His sphincter was ripped apart, and copious amounts of semen was discovered in his colon. When checked to see whose semen it belonged to, it was realized amongst the forensics department that it was a cross between alicorn and bear semen. The same happened to all but one of the explorers, and by then they were trying to return all of the artifacts found in the ruins, believing the items to be cursed. Once the last explorer finally reached the ruins, he was greeted by a terrifyingly large bear, who raped him with his huge phallus. Somehow, he survived, but just barely. He died once he told his story, at the edge of Baltimare. Unfortunately, there were no copies made of the old tale, but one would suppose it is for the best.[ "Oh- *burp* uh shite...." * * * After five days, and a shipment from her brother, Twilight had nearly reached her goal. "Oi! Eh ya bloody fools! I think we've nearly reached it!" The crowd of ponies cheered in delight as she said this. "SHUT UP!" yelled Twilight. And so they did. Later that night, whilst Twilight was alone, looking over some maps and notes, an apparition appeared. Twilight looked up in bewilderment, and screamed for help, as she tried to move it with her magic, to no avail. "Your screams cannot be heard, as I have paused time and space itself...." "W-what?!" "Listen, and listen well, foolish mortal. I have come to warn y-" "Warn me?! Why?!" "Okay, look, it is getting really fucking annoying when you shout, so ple- No, wait, I've got a better idea." See? Now I'm speaking to you through a mind-link spell. Simple! Eh, what do you want? Twilight telepathically asked. I have come to warn you of your quest. You see, Pedobear is dangerous, incredibly s- Why don't you just stop me? Y'know, teleport me to my castle? Twilight interjected. If you had let me finish, you imbecile, I would've said why. I can't touch you, not physically anyway, and because magic is a physical force... the ghost explained. Alright, alright. Wait, who are you? My name is not important. Bu- Yes, it is. Speak now, Twilight commanded. You dare command me?! Would you like to be disciplined?! Oh, yes! PLEASE! Eh... *Ahem* Let's talk. Why don't you take a seat over there? As soon as the ghost finished his words, Twilight instantly knew who it was. Chris Hansen! The Anti-Pedo! "FUCK IT!" And with that, the Anti-Chris Boooo! left. Twilight was slightly worried about the Pedobear, as Chris hardly left his bridge, except in dire circumstances. Hmmmm... Twilight thought, as she fell asleep. * * * The next morning, Twilight Sparkle got up, to find that the ponies were ready to go. This mad her extra happy, and so she forgot about everything that that one... guy.... Shit. Anyway, after a few hours, she finally reached the ruins. "Oh, *burp* finally. Alright everypony, I know what to do. You, Spike, *hic*, I want you to take that scroll from that pedestal, and run three meters away. Wait three minutes, and run back and place it back." "Why me? I know what will happen...." "WHY'RE YOU READIN' MAH BOOKS?!" Twilight yelled in fury. "Well, I read the book a long time ago, when I was still friends with y-" "Shut it! I get it!" Spike did as he was told and ran back and forth. As the book made contact with the pedestal, a giant bear appeared, whilst this awful song about liking little girls played from afar. It grabbed Spike, who was screaming, and, after letting its massive cock erect, jammed it into Spike's little dragon anus. After a few minutes, Spike's body was nothing more than a pile of flesh. But because dragons cannot be killed, he was still alive. Everypony stood in horror as the Pedobear finally released a wave of semen upon Spike and those around them. Twilight slowly began to speak. "You have had your meal. Now, we need your help." The god turned to Twilight, who gulped, and spoke. "W-we are m-most g-grateful f-for such a m-meal. W-we have n-not had one in q-quite some time!" "If I may ask, O King of Pedophilia, why do you address thyself as 'we'?" "O-oh, w-well, you see, m-my p-penis is a b-being as w-well. I r-recognize y-you as a f-follower of m-mine." "Oh, you've got no idea," whispered one of the guards. "SILENCE FOOL!!! OR SUFFER THE SAME FATE OF THIS PUNY DRAGON!!!" "O-oh, Ph-phallus, w-why m-must y-you embarrass m-me...." Oh, I see, thought Twilight. "S-so, what w-would y-you like, m-ma'am?" "Oh, my, quite the gentlemen! If you insist, I would like to have the power to make pedophilia legal all throughout the known world!" "O-oh, m-my, 'tis q-quite a request. V-very w-well then, y-you may h-have this p-power." And so Twilight was about to get what she came for.... But alas, she never did, as someone had come to stop Pedobear. Chris Hansen, otherwise known as the Anti-Chris, suddenly appeared. Again. "YOU!!! I should've killed you when I had the chance!" "M-me?!" "No, not you fucknut, what you call Phallus, the ACTUAL Pedobear! It's time for you to pay for your sins!" "NAY!!! YOU CANNOT ATTACK ME WHEN I HAVE A PHYSICAL BODY, IMBECILE!!!" Oh, but I can!" The Anti-Chris flew into Spike, and after a split-second, the dragon started to mend together, becoming whole. "See! I've got his tiny dragon cock!" "HAH!!! 'TIS NO MATCH FOR ME!!! I AM THREE CUBITS LONG!!!" "Yeah, well, if I start taking stuff, I'll grow! And there seems to be a lot of crap laying around!" Spike knew what to do. He quickly started to take all the artifacts, and eventually grew to the size of Gojira. "HAH!!! SEE?! I AM FIFTEEN CUBITS IN LENGTH!!!" [Cue le Darth Vader NOOOO etc. thingy] Youtube Video "Glad that's over. Too bad I had to kill the bear. Well Spike, you may have your body back. Oh, and if you ever need my help, call me with this." Hansen flew out of Spike's urethra as Spike shrunk back to his original form. He spawned a bronze torc, emblazoned with sapphires. Spike picked it up, shouted goodbye, and waved, as Chris Hansen flew up, up into the sky and pass the Ether. Spike would never forget this mo- "Gimme that Spike, or two months in the dungeon." "Yes Princess Twilight." "That's The Great and Powerful Princess Twilight to you, mister. Now fuck off." And the party traveled home, leaving the crumbling ruins behind. No, like, seriously. It was crumbling beneath the earth, and they were running like crazy trying to get away. Once they left, a huge crater took the ruins' place. Water from the nearby ocean poured into the crater, turning the area in to a bay. THE END
Star Swirl the Bearded's Famous Penis CrusadeStar Swirl the Goddamn Bearded stood upon a balcony to the palace in Canterlot, overlooking the great Empire of multicolored peasants and retards. Not to mention the hobos. And the pompous-ass hipsters. And the hippies. Aaaand the fetishists. And the criminals. And finally, the sexy mighty feminine glory that is Princess Celestia. There's also Luna, but that's irrelevant. Anyways, the Great Wizard sighed mournfully. What an ass-fucking cum-munching dick-licking ass-fingering pussy-jabbing shit-filled country this is, he thought. A cold breeze blew past his sheathed member, which shrunk from fear. What a damned pussy. "It's quite alright, my friend. There's no pony here to hurt you. Goddamn it, I need some shit to eat," Star Swirl stated. He did a 360 flip backwards whilst wacking off to fillies down below before landing behind the curtains leading to the balcony. He looked around his room, inspecting every inch of it for no particular reason. Everything in it spelled autism, and it helped with keeping all the weird social ponies out of there. Star Swirl moved onwards with a steady mind and stout heart toward the royal kitchen. On his way, he was assaulted by five maids seeking sex. Thinking quickly, he assessed their tactics, and seeing flaws, he swiftly took care of them. He unhooked his staff from his back and brought it in front of him, all the while charging up a shock spell. He swung mildly around like a drunkard while flinging lightening in random directions. The maids' eyes burned from the awesome technique of the wizard, and they crumpled upon the floor, defeated and writhing in agony. Star Swirl tea-bagged the nearest maid and galloped off, laughing at their misery. There were also three guards that happened to be patrolling the nearby area, and had watched the nearby spectacle with awe, but did nothing to intervene, because sandwiches. * * * When Star Swirl finally reached the kitchen, he was mildly exhausted. He threw open the refrigerator door and used his tongue to seek out the best beverage to quench his thirst. He found a cold beer and a cake. He levitated both products to his mouth and swallowed both. You know, 'cause he's Star Swirl the fucking Bearded. He's that awesome. Anyways, the wizard, finally deciding to get on with the plot, he teleported outside of the castle to begin his planned crusade. The Goddamn glorious crusade of penises is a-go! He ordered a nearby guard to assemble his battalion. "And if my name isn't Star Swirl the Bearded, my name is STAR SWIRL THE FUCKING BEARDED! I shall be victorious in this mighty and beloved crusade! HOO-AH!" Star Swirl shouted while raising his beautiful fore-hoof into the air. A hawk screeched in the distance. MEANWHILE.... "Heh hueh hah hah haaAAH! You dirty fat-fucking dumb dumbity dumb dumb goy! How dare you even say that, you evil wizard! What has Penisrael done for Equestria? Oh I'll tell you! It's a little something called EVERYTHING! And what do we get? Holocaust after holocaust after holocaust! I swear, if that so called wizard decides to stage a crusade against my people - my wonderful people - I will personally see to that horrible Empire's destruction! I'LL HAVE NONE OF IT, I TELL YOU! NONE! Yeeah ahah ah AH HAH! They'll all pay...." a high pitched voice declared. It was, my God, a penis. Yes, a penis - the Lord of all Penises, ranging from all over the world and inside Penisrael, the infamous capital of the penises. A penis dressed all in black with a large hood and a scythe hanging behind his barrel. And his plan, his ingenious plan, was to take back everything Penisrael had done for Equestria, and rape Star Swirl in his anus. (That's some future shit right there.) AND SO WE JOIN OUR HERO ONCE MORE.... Star Swirl barely walked two blocks before collapsing in front of a bar. A man dressed in a suit walked over to him. "Eww. An old guy," he said before picking up a nearby stick and poking the wizard's snout. Yes, it was the hobo guy from the alley that always liked to spy on Celestia and Luna while they were doing... well, anything. Be it in the bathroom, doing court, walking the corridors, sitting mindlessly on their thrones, or just eating. It was his fetish. "No, you bloody fool!" Star Swirl shouted while standing abruptly. The wizard looked at the human with disgust. His face... oh by Celestia's breasts, his face... his eyes were unnaturally large and separated from his nose. He had a large bristly uni-brow and his cheeks were bulging. This man's name was Gary Gold-Dick. Gary squatted down and whispered into Star Swirl's ear. "Do you want to see my talking penis?" "What the holy fucking fuck did you just say, boy?!" Star Swirl shouted. Gary slurped and pulled down his pants. Inside was his Golden Penis of Glory. "Hi everybody!" the penis said in a soft, soothing voice, usually befitting a pedophile. "OH GOD!" The wizard exclaimed. A soft breeze whipped across the phallus, and a dribble of pre-cum squeezed out. The wizard started vomiting violently. "I need to go to the home of my people in Penisrael. Can you take me?" The penis asked Star Swirl. The wizard, recovering from the violent onslaught of his bile, considered what the penis said for a moment. He sighed. "Fine. Goddamn it," Star Swirl said, depressed from the new "company" sent from the depths of Hell. The Penis whispered a "yay" and dragged Gary over to the wizard. Star Swirl sighed again and grabbed the Penis with his right for-hoof and teleported them to the bottom of the mountain. There stood 16,000 stallions dressed in crusader armor from early 1192. There were pike-men, infantrymen, bowmen, spearmen, engineers manning catapults, and siege towers. "What?! You're going to attack my people?! What's wrong with you? Mooooom! They're trying to kill us-!" the penis yelled out in vain. Star Swirl smacked his staff against the penis, knocking it clean off. "Oh God why?!" Gary knelt down and shouted towards the sky in immense pain. "WE MARCH!!! CELESTE VULT!!!" Star Swirl shouted towards the crusader army. "CELESTE VULT!!! CELESTE VULT!!! CELESTE VULT!!!" they cheered. And so the party marched to Penisrael, leaving a broken man and his wiener behind. After three days, they came upon the Holy City of Jerusalami. Alec Baldwin IV, also known as the Leprechaun King, greeted them with Bad DragonTM dildos as presents and a pork phallus for a feast. "Now, Star Swirl, we shall discuss the plan on the morrow, as I would like to watch more gay porn with my dog," Alec told Star Swirl. "Fine. But, we must act soon if we are to win." "Let me make something clear: we talk about the plan, TOMORROW. Okay? Alright. Now, I sent some male prostitutes up to your room, and they seem really lonely...." "Are they stallions?" "Yes." "See yah!" And with that, Star Swirl the Bearded left the dining hall. * * * "GIVE IT TO ME!" yelled Star Swirl. Star Swirl the Bearded was having his anus penetrated by a male prostitute, and was nearly finished when suddenly a thought struck him. "WAIT A MINUTE! We don't need a battle plan, because we have an army large enough! CLOVER!" Clover the Clever suddenly burst into the room, as if she were waiting just outside the door. "Yes Senpai?" "Rally the forces. We attack tonight." And so the army marched towards H8n' Volcano, where the Pewbs' (Penisraelites) capital was located (picture above). And then they waited, having set up camp about a mile away. Once Luna's grace befell upon them, the army attacked H8n'. * * * "We're under attack!" shouted countless Pewbs. Counterweight Trebuchets fired nonstop at the capital, causing considerable amounts of damage inside the city. Not so much the walls, though. After days of bombardment, the firing ceased. And the army charged forward. Siege towers adorned with iron rods rolled towards the walls, running through the moat like it was nothing. The Pewbs were terrified, and fled the city. Once Star Swirl realized that they weren't fighting back anymore, he called for a cease fire. They had won the city, but they had yet to- "Master Star Swirl?" "Yes Clover?" "I found the lord. His head's been cut off." "Oh." Oh. Well, I guess that's THE END
The Man Who Founded Equestria"Strangers passing in the street, by chance two separate glances meet, I am you and what I see is me, and do I take you by the hand...." "Wow...." Kyle Lemons, a seventeen-year-old high school dropout in the Summer of Love. Yes ladies and gentlemen, this is that kind of story. "Why do they call it "hate" and "ash-berry"? I mean, I don't see hate; I see berries, though, they aren't ashy; they're, like, strawberries, man." "True, true man.... So true...." Kyle took a swig from his joint. "Hey, how're parents Kyley? I bet they're kinda pissed, with you... hanging out with us, and all." "Yeah, I'll bet they're pretty fucking mad, Lavender." "Hey, I thought I told you to call me Lavey...." "Eh, sorry. Hey, Carly? You wanna go back to the tent with me and Lavey?" "Depends. I ran out of birth pills...." "Oh, it's fine Carly! I got pills here." Lavender conjured a bottle from her satchel, and handed it to Carly, who was next to her. "Okay, let's go." "Hey, Freddy, you wanna join?" "Nah, I'm thinkin'." Fred lit his bong, whilst Kyle walked over to him. "Thinking about... what?" "Well, life." "Alright, okay. You go play with yourself out here, then." "Thank you." Kyle walked over to his tent, where Carly and Lavender were waiting. "Hey Kyle!" "Hey ladies...." Kyle pulled down his pants, revealing his AIDS-infested hippie dick. He had no underwear, and so his balls were raw. He had no shirt, but necklaces and a blue headband. The girls undressed themselves while they were waiting for Kyle, and so spread their legs apart to greet him. Kyle threw himself onto Carly, his member finding its target upon impact. "Ow-y! Mmmaaaahhh...." Carly moaned. Kyle moved his left hand towards Lavender, and motioned for her to move herself closer. When she was within reach, he stuck his fist into her wet, stinky vagina, which she was rubbing moments before, due to the scene splayed before her. "Ooooaaaahh! K-Kyle.... YES!" screamed Carly as she began to twitch and squirm. "Fffuuu- ouch! Your nails Kyle!" Lavender mentioned towards Kyle, who just couldn't seem to orgasm. "Here...." Kyle lifted himself up off of Carly, - who had just finished - and onto Lavender. He slid his throbbing penis into her throbbing, gangrene-colored pussy. "Oooohh...." Kyle groaned as he felt the thick slime of Lavender's insides. Ew. "AAAAAHHH!!!" screamed Lavender as she orgasmed. Kyle began to thrust faster and faster, until he finally felt that tiny drop of semen leave his sausage. (He just began puberty.) Suddenly, as Kyle began to regain his senses after such an intense amount of action, he realized that he was flying through space. "Whoa.... I think the acid's starting to kick in...." After what seemed like days, he finally hit hard ground. "Ouch! Fuck!" Kyle got up, rubbing his sore head to see... nothingness. "Trippin' dude...." Pure nothingness. He felt the ground (or what he presumed to be the ground) to find his hands slipping though, and himself flipping onto the other side (or at least, that's what it felt like). The whole thing made no sense to him, as he could definitely feel something hard beneath his feet, but - when using hands - could not touch it. "I kinda want some lights turned on up in here." he declared, scratching his ass. Suddenly, as if on cue, a great ball of light appeared in front of him. "Cool. Hmm.... It's kinda bright.... I wish it were further away from me." And so the ball of light flew... nowhere. "Oh wait!" exclaimed Kyle. "It has nowhere to go! I wish... there was, like, a sky, or something." And so there was. And the ball flew up, up into the new, "sky". "Man, I'm kinda thirsty...." Oceans and lakes appeared as far as the eye can see, and clouds formed in the sky, and the nothingness around Kyle became moist, ever so slightly. "Whoa... it's like, the Bible, or something.... Am I God? So, God isn't dead? I know the answer! I can't wait to see the look on Lavey's face when I tell her I'm right! I- I- I'm... right.... Will I ever return home?" Like a wave crashing against a shore, Kyle realized how lonely how lonely he was. Just then, his stomach growled. "Man, I'm hungry...." As expected, vegetation grew from the soil, and grew and grew until he could no longer look a meter away before seeing a tree or two. "The land seems kinda flat...." And so the ground shook, and rumbled and quaked, until it finally took shape. The oceans and lakes were rearranged, but the plants were fine. "It looks like they're still growing...." Aye, that they were. And if Kyle doesn't do something quick.... "I know! I wish there were stars and a moon and sun, 'cause, like, the ball isn't giving off heat and I'm cold, and, like, the moon to replace it to keep temperatures regulated. Oh, plus, the stars, like, give off light and stuff, so I can see in the dark!" God damn you Kyle, you pot-filled bastard. "Oh shit! Ouch! These vines are hurtin' man!" Drops of blood fell from his arms as he cut himself on some thorns. "Oh, I wish there were animals to eat you!" And then there were. "Whoa, sorry man; lost my cool there for a second." Is that faggot talking to the- ah, never mind. It's pointless to think about. Behind Kyle, a sudden rustling was heard. "Hi!" "WHAT?!" Kyle looked around in bewilderment. "EEEP!" "What? Hello? Anybody there? Don't worry, I don't bite!" "You scared me!" "Well, sorry, but like, dude, you scared me, also!" "Eh...." The shrubs to the left of Kyle started to move, and as he turned his ugly hippie head, he saw - to his amazement - a white pony. But this was not regular pony. Oh no, this one was special, as it was adorned with a horn atop its head, and wings on the sides. It had a red mane and tail, and blue eyes. "How... how did you, like, y'know, get here?" "I dunno. However, I remember my fetal years, and being awoken over there," she pointed to her left, near some vines. "Where I suddenly found that I could move." "What? Years? 'Tis only been but a few hours! How...." "Well.... I...." "Wait, over by the vines you say?" "Yes, but-" "And your mane and tail are red...." "They are? Oh, well I haven't been able to look at myself, so-" "The vines cut me, and I must of bled. I bet you came from my blood." "Ew." "Meh. Eh, may I climb onto your back?" "Yes, you may." "Thank you." After a short spell of flying, Kyle asked this horse a question. Well, several. "So, what's your name?" "No idea. But, I have this word in my head, that I have had since I was born. "Faust"." "Eh, man, so, like, try wishing for something." "Why?" "Well, like, I wanna prove if my theory that you're from my blood is true, er, or not." "How-" "I created all this by wishing, so like, maybe it'll be the same." "'Kay, alright! I wish I could birth two of my kind, create a massive empire that this world could not live without, and I want a million different other things that I just thought up in my head!" Suddenly, all of this happened at once, and her head exploded. Kyle fell from the sky, and died. THE END
Wagner and the Giant PonyWagner Kraut-Fritz was making his famous Kraut-Cakes when suddenly a giant pony appeared. This is his story. A shrill whistle emitted from above the dirt trenches, causing Private Wagner Kraut-Fritz the Kraut-Cake of the German Empire to look up in surprise. Not long after, an artillery shell exploded near the small barracks housing him and his comrades. Dirt sprayed out in multiple areas as the boom subsided, and the soldiers near the blast acted as though it was an everyday thing. Wagner sighed through his small sponge holes. He tiredly hopped off his bed, adorned in a grey greatcoat and NCR Ranger helmet. He picked up two Smith and Wesson .44 Magnums, two frag grenades, two mustard gas mini-tanks, and an M4 Assault Carbine. Wagner hopped over to the pot of soup by the left wall of the cement bunker, and started peeing. A German comrade walked over wearing his uniform, excluding the trousers, which he wore none. "Morning, Wagner. Mmm, by the Kaiser's fat bulging penis, this soup is glorious," the soldier complemented. "Glorious indeed... mmmm, yes, mmm yes, yes yes yes yessssss... Jews yes, yes... oh mein Gott Jews...." "Shut up, Adolf. You peasant courier. Everyone in our company knows you have a scat fetish." Wagner hissed, then spat into the soup. Wagner unsheathed his trench knife and hooked it onto the end of his rifle, then stabbed Adolf in the balls. Large gushes of pee, sticks, rocks, and semen all flowed out of Adolf Hitler's balls while he softly moaned. While Hitler fell into a world of bliss and ecstasy, Wagner hopped out of the bunker. Ah, grey skies. Never ceases to bore me, thought Wagner. He hopped down the trenches while whistling a happy tune. "Mein Lederhosen! Oh Gott! Zey are charging!" a scout yelled. "Ze British are coming! NEIN!!!" Random German soldiers scrambled about. Wagner mindlessly hopped out of the trenches and out into No Man's Land, a happy tune playing in his head. Three Sopwith Camels flew overhead, firing at a Fokker Dr. 1. Shells exploded about, tank stoppers, barbed wire, craters, fire, and a dead tree stood before Wagner. It was pure chaos. And Wagner grew hard from it all. Countless numbers of British soldiers thundered towards him, screaming threats and insults, such as, "YER DEAD YA BLEEDIN' WANKERS!", or, "I'LL BASH YE FOOKIN 'EAD IN I SWEAR ON ME MUM!". The British were among the most interesting and uncivilized bunch on the whole bloody Earth, so you could probably expect something like that. Anyway, so, as Wagner hopped on, the Britbongs fired their rifles in the air, their pants dangling from their legs. Honestly, Wagner had no idea why the other Germans were so scared of the British. All they do is yell nonsense about tea and their country and try picking drunken fights with one another. But wait! Who stood among Wagner now? Well, the bloody Scottish infantry, that's who. Thousands of them stood above the French trenches, with nothing on but their kilts. Bagpipes blared Scotland the Brave obnoxiously loud whilst the Scotsmen ripped their kilts from their waists, and let them fly away with the wind. There they stood. Naked, glorious, and proud. Absolutely proud. Wagner shrugged and, due to his small size, squeezed in between the hairy legs of the Scotsmen. Why Wagner went through all that, is fairly simple: He did it to get to the enemy's supply of Mountain Dew and Doritos, as well as the dank 360° quick-scoping/no-scoping able MLG rifle with gold camouflage. Wagner opened his tanks of mustard gas, and threw them into a nearby mini swamp as cover, for what lay ahead was no ordinary opponent. This, ladies and gentlemen, was Shrek the Ogre. And that swamp, was his. Having a gas mask and being a Kraut-Cake, he could handle the gas. He swiftly pulled two Magnums from their holsters and walked like a badass to Shrek's mini swamp. The swamp was... a swamp. You know, a swamp, with a swamp? A swamp. Damn it, this is hard to explain! Anyways, in the middle of the swamp was a small crater full of Cheetos bags, Doritos bags, Mountain Dew cans, video games and their matching consoles, and a huge 500", ultra high-definition 1,000 karat gold television. And on top of the pile, was the dank rifle, bipod extended, butt on a Doritos bag. "Haven't ya gotten the message? This is my swamp!" a voice bellowed from behind Wagner. "Aye, I got ze message, you bloody fat bastard," Wagner replied cooly, turning around slowly to meet the behemoth before him. Out of the cloud of gas came Shrek the Ogre, who was dresses in a lengthy black leather trench coat and aviators. An Intervention sniper rifle was slung over his back. Wagner trained his Magnums at the ogre. "So... I heard you were lookin' fer the dankest rifle around, eh?" asked Shrek, keeping his gaze on Wagner, who didn't reply. Shrek sighed. "It didn't have to come to this, lad. You'll never beat meh. Give it up." Shrek smirked. Again, Wagner kept to himself. Shrek sighed once more. "I'm sorry it's come to this...." Shrek expertly flipped the bolt-action sniper rifle over his shoulder and into his hands. He quickly spun around and fired off a shot. The Intervention's bullet nearly hit Wagner. He sprang into action, jumping off to his right while firing the Magnums' twelve rounds at Shrek. He was blown back by only the even shots that managed to hit him. He was now in a puddle of mud, clutching his stomach and coughing up blood. Wagner emptied his weapons and - in very after blowing smoke that billowed from the barrels away in a clichéd way, tucked the two Magnums into his trench coat, then walked over to Shrek, a hand inside Wagner's trench coat fingering one of the Magnums. "Get Shrekt," said Wagner. "Lad... *cough* please*... take the rifle- *cough* you've earned it... I go to Valhalla...." Shrek weezed out. "Pfft! Bitch, you ain't even Slovak!" Wagner scoffed. He sauntered off toward the rifle, the beginning of O Fortuna playing in his head. A beam of light shown over the rifle, its golden surface gleaming. It was so beautiful. Wagner carefully held up the rifle, and slung it over his back. "Well, 'story's over. What shall I do now, hmm?" Wagner asked to no one in particular. He shrugged. "Kraut-Cakes it it!" And so, in the comfy confines of his bunker, he made fifty Kraut-Cakes in honor of the quick-scoping ogre. Then, a giant pony appeared. "hello everybody! this is bee-bee. i'm just a giant pony right now, and tryin' my huge dick out. so i'm just, um, being bored right now, so um, yup. i'm gettin' ready to watch tv; nbc, wednesday night, thursday night, those shows. so i'll talk to you later and i hope everybody has a good and wonderful day... night. bye," it said. Wagner, shocked to see the misuse of written dialogue, pulled out one of his Magnums and shot himself. But, being a Kraut-Cake, he was immune to that. "No God why?!" he shouted. "wagner!" the giant pony said. "i've come to tell you that you're not a kraut-cake! you're a cheese cake!" This sudden revelation struck Wagner like a clock. "Fuuuuuuu-" [Cue le Inception bwong] Youtube Video THE END
A Night of Pure PissTwilight sighed as she looked at the clock. She missed company. Especially Spike's company, as she always liked to watch him sleep, and of course, to talk things out. But he would rather hang out with Rarity than her. She sighed. Spike was always a damn good therapist. Twilight slowly closed the book she was reading, On Oblivion's Ass, and sat up on her haunches. It was well past nine o'clock, being the usual time for her to read murder porn. But, alas, she just wasn't in the mood. "Well this sucks," Twilight stated, licking the floor sub-consciously. She sighed again as she hopped (like a bunny, duh! didn't you know her father was really an alcoholic rabbit, but disguised himself as a unicorn?) into the kitchen. "I could eat another fetus. Nah, maybe drink some of Gummy's sperm. Why's it so hard to decide?! I'm gonna go rape the door...." She butt-bucked the kitchen table as she walked out. She trotted over to the entrance door, and was about to rub her pussy against the door while mimicking the door's despair (as if it were alive), before a knock came from the door. Now what in Luna's freaking fuck could that be? she thought. Being the paranoid Commie that she is, she slowly drew a Daedric tanto out from the flower vase next to the door, and magically hid it behind her flank. "Her is it?" Twilight asked in a mock Asian accent. "Hi. Um, Twilight? C-could we talk, for a moment?" the voice of the oh-cum-inside-able sexy Miss Rainbow Dash said. Oh, great. It's that bitch. Well, she sounds worried, so I don't think I should go hard on her. Twilight thought to herself. Twilight dropped the tanto back into the vase, and opened the door. "Hi Rainbow, I didn't know it was you." Twilight greeted her friend as Rainbow Dash trotted into the library. "That's me!" Rainbow replied as she waited for Twilight to close the door. "A dozen red roses- I mean, uh, h-how are the wings?" Rainbow Dash stuttered, rubbing her fore-hoof. "Fine, fine...." Twilight replied, eyeing the ceiling. There was a moment of silence. "...Ya stupid cunt," Twilight added, giving Rainbow a cold stare. Both mares stared at each other, Rainbow with a hurt look and Twilight with the same stare. Rainbow's facial expression turned from hurt, to deadpan in ten seconds flat. Then both mares randomly fell on the floor laughing and rolling. After about twenty minutes, both mares finally stopped laughing, and they ended up rolling next to each other. They both sighed, then turned to face each other. They sat up on their haunches, and stared into each other's eyes. "So, why'd you come here?" asked Twilight, scratching her flank. "Oh, just wanted to stop by, and talk about Sweetie Bot's memory chip problem," Rainbow replied, blushing slightly. "YOU'RE LYING!!!" Twilight stated, booping Rainbow on the nose. Silence reined (heh, get it?), and both mares started leaning in about .0000000000001 of an inch after every second passed. "Twilight?" Rainbow asked, putting on a sly smile. "Yes?" Twilight breathed out with bedroom eyes. "I looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve you," Rainbow said, blushing furiously. Damn it! I knew she was homo! Wait... shut up, hypocrite! Twilight thought as they both leaned in and kissed. The kiss was a normal Gandalf, then it turned into a Morgan Freeman, then a Goddamn Bruce Lee-on-Chuck Norris Style. Twilight then teleported herself and Rainbow into her room, where they resumed to passionately kiss. Twilight climbed on top of Rainbow, and broke apart, only to breath of course. "Nope. Nope. No, nope nope nope nope nope...." said the author out loud as he typed while jacking it. "Eh... they should just screw each other and get it over with." And true to the author's words, both mares started f-ing. THE END What, you expected something haht? Go fuck yourselves. Oh, wait, you don't have anything to fuck yourselves to, do you? *Sigh* Fiiiiinnnne. "I love you," Rainbow told Twilight. "I love you, too." Twilight felt her loins catch on fire, and leaned in for another kiss. At this point, Rainbow Dash felt something dripping on her stomach, and looked down Twilight to see that was... wet. Wow, she got wet fast... faster than me! I must be haht! Rainbow thought. Rainbow stopped, and said, "Ready for some fun, Twi?" To which she replied, "Y-yeah... yes!" They sat up onto their haunches. Rainbow Dash, whose wings stood erect, lowered her hoof towards Twilight's pussy. Oh, I'm getting wet, too, thought Rainbow. She ran her hoof up Twilight's slit. "Oh my goodness... Rainbow! Please...." Rainbow Dash understood her cries, and shoved her hoof into Twilight's vagina. "How's that feel, Twi?" "Wonderful... ouch!" Rainbow Dash had started moving her hoof in a pumping motion. After about a minute, Twilight began to feel pressure build behind- "R-Rainbow! D... aaaaaaash!" Whoops, I spoke too soon. A few spasms, a twitching wing, and a sparking horn later, Twilight was ready to pleasure her cyan friend. "Ready Rainbow?" "You betcha!" "Okay...." The purple pony lowered her head, horn pointing forward. "Oh, I see...." Rainbow Dash pushed her hindquarters against Twilight's head, and started moving back and forth. "Oh yeah!" "I see you like that." "Are... you... ki-kidding?" Rainbow said between breathes. "Oh... faster...." But Twilight did not move faster, mostly because she's a bitch. "Please.... Oh goddesses, I'm...." Rainbow came. There were no rainbows, because that wouldn't make sense. Twilight levitated Rainbow's cum into her mouth. "Hmm.... Tastes like zap apples!" "Oh.... Good to know... I guess." "You didn't try mine, did you?" Twilight asked. "No. Maybe tomorrow, if you're in the mood." "Always. Well, unless I'm doing work, then no." "Eh. Anyways, where's Spike?" Rainbow asked Twilight. "At Rarity's." "It's one AM." "Heh, yeah...." "What were you doin' before I got here?" "Watchin' Babylon 5," Twilight told Rainbow. "Why?" "Just curious." "True... true.... Hey, I think you should head home soon." "Why's that?" "Eh.... Some fool niggas was muggin' Fluttershy, so I challenged them to a dance off. I won, and they want revenge." "So what?" "Eh.... I became paranoid, and asked Rarity to prostitute herself for information. She got a hold on some of their plans for me. They're goin' to drive by my house and shoot my house up." "Why don't you tell the police?" "Those niggas are all racist and shit towards us unis." "Excuse me?" "Never mind honey." "Bye bye." "Bye." As Rainbow Dash flew away, Twilight trotted back to her studies, after locking the door of course. After an hour, Spike knocked on the door of Golden Oaks Library. "Hello? Twi! You in there?" No answer. "Dammit! That bitch's probably asleep! Jesus fucking Christ!" Hey, kid! What? Wanna take over narrating while I ask this Spike character... questions? Really? Oh boy! I've always wanted to narrate! Thank you Master Freeman! Yeah yeah! Just shut up and do it. Yes sir! As my glorious master, Morgan Freeman, broke through the Fourth- Wait.... Why did he write our conversation? And why am I writing this down.... My head hurts, so.... "Hey! Her house's over here!" Spike turned around to see a car, which held several ponies dressed in red wielding guns. That was the last thing he ever saw, because the ponies pulled the triggers on their guns and let loose a hail fire of bullets that ripped through Spike's puny body and into the wood of the tree. The next day Twilight buried Spike's body behind the tree before anypony could see. I suck at writing, and this story made no sense. Goodbye.
Teh Grate Wor of 1941-14a long tiem ago ina galaksy far far away................................... TEH GRATE WARE EPSIOD 1914 CRISMAS TRUS It is a preiod (heh HEH perod blud lol!1!!1!!!11)1 of wore in thee world far away howevr there is lots of peec. in equstra were whoreses live. Tiny whorez. ponys. it was pece. But in erth, it was WAR!!1!!!1!1!! (o noes!1!!11)!1! yess, A WORLD WART!1!11!1! (my grandmom waz in it so don be meen in the coments k kule :)) world war 1 to be excact. Aniways, it was 1914, and hcristmas. and thet sholder was have fun !! becuz the were fgood but then it end cuz there officishuls said NO!1!!!1 cuz tey'r meanies! an communist happen anywah, in equestra tweilight spoikle (my favrit cuz she smart. i arnt smart, cus i have mental retartshun specificly autism" thats what my docter an mum and pa sayd pls dont be meen too me cuz my dad kill himself :( still sad) she was woking on a spll to increes trade with griffion kingdom, an dshe acidently make PORTUL! to erath. she saw war, and is scared, and gose back equstra, were he safe. War is bad. i fell bad for da solders and her cuz she have to see wat mu granda saw. anyway, it is a gift to all soldrs and ded peepl, also, it, its lade cuz i slow at typin. k, hope u like it!!1!!!11!1! PEECE!11!!!!!:):):) ps I alslo want stick my wienr in Toilet sprinklez aan cum iin her ;)
