Everything Hates me: a Brony's Adventure

by Narshlop117

Rating: mature
Tags: Romance, Comedy, Tragedy, Random, Adventure, Human
Length: 7644

A boy from Yorkshire gets killed in a plane crash and ends up in Equestria, etc. etc.

Since before he could remember DMT always had some drastic tragedy following him around, there was always something somewhere going wrong for him. Whether it was an illness, an injury or a personal problem was down to chance, but each time, whatever it was would always be colossal. He never had small, simple problems. It almost felt like someone way up there in the clouds was fucking with him… Almost…

Little did he know… He was right.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-29 23:16:42 UTC

LE STORY PROGRESSION

Chapter Two, Dead

That Wednesday we all set off to Newcastle for the flight. We were travelling second class, and I had my iPod filled with ponystep. I listened to various tracks from TheLivingTombstone, Omnipony and a couple of other brony DJ’s all the way there, and then watched MLP on the flight. I only had time to download three episodes, but that was enough, I made sure that they were the best, Luna Eclipsed, sleepless in ponyville and a canterlot wedding. The latter wasn’t my favourite, but the changelings were cool, they meant that I could have sex with hundreds of Lunas simultaneously. I looked over at my brother; he’s playing Zelda on his DS. I look at mum, writing more lyrics, I look at dad… He’s snoring his head off. Not surprised, I wander off to the back of the plane to use the lav. There was someone already in there, so I waited and someone came out.

“Actually… you might want to use the other one, give this one time to air out…”

“Nice” I replied frowning, the man looked amused at this, and went on his way. I waited for the next toilet, and after the man in that one came out, I took it, I really needed to relieve some pressure in my ballsack, watching BOTH Luna episodes had made me really horny and I needed a quick wank before the plane arrived. They were playing some daft elevator music in the toilet, which sounded familiar.

That’s when the plane jerked, the hand of god literally reached down and picked the aircraft up, causing me to lose my aim and spunk up the side of the wall, no time to finish emptying my testes properly, the bloody plane was groaning! I quickly zipped up and walked out to the main corridor of the plane. There was a stewardess trying to get everyone to calm down talking about technical difficulties and telling everyone to remain in their seat. The plane groaned again, or rather, its right wing. All heads turned to it, looking out the window, when a plate of metal came off, and then another. All was silent until a guy at the front said “Holy shit…” A bigger piece of metal came off. I looked at my mum the other side of the plane and she looked at me. She opened her mouth to speak, and then the whole right wing came off ...shit… The plane started to decline, spinning at the same time, the people who weren’t in their seat got thrown around, one woman with an ID tag that said “L. Mendelson” on it got thrown against a doorway and I heard a sickening crunch. I got thrown into the side of the plane and it just kept hurtling downwards, spinning all the while.  A deep laugh could be heard everywhere and a huge finger encompassed several windows.

A voice appeared from high above the plane, “Why hello there, Laura Mendelson, welcome to my humble abode. Unfortunately you haven’t been very nice. Down you go.”

There was a scream before another, more cackling voice appeared from below the plane. “Thanks mate, I should have fun with her.”

No one had any idea what was happening and utter panic ensued. It seemed that the plane was being torn in half. And then it did. I opened my eyes. Bad choice. The wind was tearing at my face; I had to close them again. When I finally opened them again, they were streaming but at least I could see. There were corpses, litter and live people all falling with me. I looked at the wreckage of the plane, tumbling too, I looked up just as an enormous hand disappeared into the clouds with a chuckle. Just before it disappeared it flickered and became a huge lion’s paw and the laugh changed tone.

The plane wreck swirled around manically and swatted most of the stuff in the air aside. I looked down. Oh fuck… I was gonna die… This was it… I flattened myself out to reduce my speed and to stop me spinning crazily like I’d seen on TV. Then I realised, what’s the point in slowing it down. Its just means living off more borrowed time, more borrowed time living in perpetual fear.

Suddenly a sheep with a trollface fell to my level and began to do several dances, such as the moonwalk and John Travolta. Standing on the air, it exploded into spiders, which then floated inexplicably into the atmosphere. Dafuq? Was all I could think, Am I high or just delirious?  A couple of thoughts went through my head similar to that, and then I simply put my arms to the side and my legs together, falling head first now. I was streamlined so I was falling faster than everyone else now. Slowly getting closer to the earth, coming to meet me. Even though I was practically shitting myself, I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful it all was, I’d always managed to push depressing thoughts out of my head if I had something truly wonderful to marvel at and I found my impending doom eerily nice to look at.

Then I realised, it was coming closer way to fast, I was feeling the heat now. My vision starting to change as I got closer, and closer. Colours started swimming around my head, Then I started thinking… are my parents already dead? Is Ben dead too? Or can they see me, are they falling too? I pushed this thought out of my head too. I was so close now. More colours, more vibrant than I had ever seen them and just a mile before my imminent doom on the rocky land below, the colours got too much. I closed my eyes... This was it… then I felt like I was being pulled through a plughole, only limb by limb instead of whole. I had to look now. Just random colours swirling around then finally.

Ground.

LE FINALLY ACTUALLY RELEVANT BIT

Chapter Three, De Ja Vu

I wake up. I keep my eyes closed but I know I’m awake. I catch that thought and chase it. I’M AWAKE!?!?!?

I open my eyes. A meadow. Trees with raindrops hanging off them like decorations and pain. A lot of that. I grunt and try to sit up, and thus, we have bad idea number two. As far as I could tell, my right kneecap was screwed, my collarbone broken, my arms seemed to be ok, but the headache was the killer… Imagine having the world’s worst hangover but the party’s still going on in your head. Only the whole of the police force turned up and joined in. I continued to look around. Very interesting. Pink mountains off in the distance there. Judging by the position of the sun, it had only risen a few hours ago. It was nine o’clock, maybe ten at the most.

I looked up only to see an orange and pink something come down on me faster than a meteorite on steroids. If that were possible. It landed on my left arm and said that it wanted a hug, I didn’t want to argue so I complied and hugged the abominable orange blob. In a matter of seconds I was kissing it deeply on the mouth and searching around the amorphous exterior for a hole of some description. My dick was really hard by this point, even though I had absolutely no idea what was going on.

“I love you so much.” I groaned as the blob kissed down my sweaty neck. “will you marry me?”

To my utter surprise it replied in a thick Australian accent. “I’d say so, come here you.” I was so shocked for a moment I didn’t know what to do, I just looked at it, and it looked back at me.

“ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooowwwwwwww!!!” I screamed. “FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU…” And then I fainted.

Poke…

Poke poke…

Poke poke poke poke poke poke…

Slap

“AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!” My eyes snapped open, wildly trying to take in my surroundings then they settled on the face of one of the creatures lying above me. No… I reached up with my right arm and grabbed its face. Soft, furry, warm.

“Hey!” he heard “What the hay do you think you’re playing at” I let go and looked towards the noise. Another one. Cyan. Many other colours. Eyes hurt. I went to rub them and war rewarded with a fresh stab of pain

“JEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS” The creatures flinched “MOTHER OF ALL THINGS HOLY WHAT THE FU…!?” Something got shoved into my mouth. I spat it out.

“Keep yer darn language down, sugar cube. We got young un’s here!” I watched the smaller orange and pink blob shuffle slightly at this.  “How dare ya ask this lil innocent filly to marry ya? What the hay are ya even s’posed to be?”

There was no mistaking that voice… Was I dead? Was this heaven? I never imagined THIS to be heaven, to be frank, I never even thought it existed. But surely, this couldn’t be heaven. Could it? No. I’d seen god on the plane, nothing nice was in heaven. Besides, god was... him, I didn’t want to think about it. Once again my eyes rolling in their sockets. I stopped them for a second. To concentrate on the creatures around me. Ponies. They were all ponies. I nearly ripped my hair out and smashed my skull into a tree, but I could do neither. My body was screwed.

“I’m not dead?” I managed “I’m alive!?!” one of the pony things quivered next to me and took a step back “How the h…!?” Furry thing in my mouth again.

“I told yer sugar cube. Language!” I spat it out again, my disillusions went away, the pain returned, fully returned. “Scootaloo, it might be an idea to run along now, thanks for telling us of this” I heard one of the figures say.

“But…” the orange and pink amorphous mass complained.

“Go. Now!” the orange and pink blob harrumphed and sploshed away in its characteristic blob like manner. I tried to moan but a mere whimper came out. “Oh dear…” another voice piped up, this one quiet.

A light tallow and pink being approached me and said “Goodness…”

What they saw was a fifteen year old human hermaphrodite with just under shoulder length brown hair, past shoulder length it morphed into a mass of snakes and the front half of some little mice. The mice were an abomination in themselves, they couldn’t move because of their situation so were trapped, unable to escape and in constant agony while they were forced to watch me masturbate. I felt sorry for them, the snakes didn’t seem so bothered though, they just slept most of the time anyway. The hair was parted down the middle so it separated in way that used to earn him the nickname ‘Dickhead mouse torturer’ at school. Part of it had singed away with parts of his clothes revealing a large left sideburn that was usually concealed and the badly burned mice were screaming in pain, the snakes very angry and attempting to eat the mice. His hair was in anarchy. He had bushy eyebrows, hazel eyes, something that resembled fleshy claws for his fore hoofs and. He was wearing… interesting folds of fabric, he had a frilly pink skirt, which the ponies recognised, but the t-shirt was a new concept to them. He had great big somethings over his rear hooves.

They watched it pass out again and dragged it between them to the nearest house. In the house was memorabilia from lots of different soft drinks manufacturers, Coca-Cola posters on the wall and empty bottles of lemonade strewn about the room. As they entered I began to wake up and noticed this, just before it all exploded into spiders. Why does everything explode into spiders? I thought, looking around at the ponies carrying me. They didn’t seem to have noticed. I was dumped down onto a chair made purely from spikes, the ponies rubbed their faces on it purposefully, scraping the skin off the bone and causing their eyes to explode. The destroyed muscle and skin healed itself and the creatures smiled contentedly. I passed out again.

LE MORE BORING STUFF

Chapter 4, alive…ish

I woke up again in the same manner, not opening my eyes just yet to try take in what’s been happening.

“Oh… I think its waking up now” a sweet voice said surprisingly close to my ear.

My eyes snapped open once more and the first thing I saw was a giant eye in front of mine.

“Eep!” the startled figure squeaked and dove for cover.

I was about to rub my eyes and realised that my body had just been smashed to pieces. I looked at me and prodded my collar bone with my good arm… No pain. I gingerly moved my right leg. No pain. Left arm. No pain. I jumped up onto my feet quickly and fell back on my face. I heard a stifled giggle to my left.

“Not exactly agile is he?” A cocksure voice started “I’d pound him into the ground in a race” I went a bit cross-eyed at this and tried to get up slowly this time. Gasps ensued.

“It’s bipedal” I heard. “Interesting”

I looked in the voices general direction. My mouth decided to move before my brain told it to and I ended up saying something around the lines of “Nrrrg” the creatures were puzzled at this.

“He was speaking ok before, what’s up with him now?”

Ponies. They were ponies, and not just any ponies either, they were THE ponies. Twilight sparkle, Rainbow dash, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie and a furiously masturbating Fluttershy under the table. “Holy sh…” Applejack looked like she was ready to shove her hoof into my gob again. “Shenanigans!” I managed to say before she did.

“At least y’all learn quick” She said with a mischievous grin.

“Nigguh you're using 'y'all' wrong. There's only one of me you stupid cunt learn to speak your own god damn pig latin language. Shit.” I began “How in the name of everything that DOESN’T want to screw me over did THIS happen!?” they just looked at me. “You’re ponies! I should be dead!! What about the plane!?!?” The mane six looked utterly dead, maggots pouring from their eyes and then their skin and flesh rotting away, leaving a pile of bones that also crumbled and disappeared.

The ponies then inexplicably reappeared from nowhere. “AAAARRRRGGGG!” I managed. You ever had one of those days when the world wants to kill you and fails so it just keeps trying again, and again, and again until you’re crushed and broken? I guess not. I wanted to throttle them to make sure they were real and relieve the stress, I wanted to throttle myself to make sure that I was real and relieve the stress, I wanted to smash everything, I wanted to break down and cry on the floor. My body decided on the last one. Each of the ponies except for Pinkie now had the same facial expression of Derpy. As I sobbed into the carpet one of them approached me and put her hoof on my shoulder.

“Poor guy… OOOOO I KNOW WHAT WILL MAKE IT BETTER!!!” She screamed, jumping so high that she left the atmosphere and drifted off into deep space

“NO BLOODY PARTIES!!!!” I screamed back. She heard me despite being a lightyear away and her expression now looked like the rest.

“Wuuuh?” she mumbled, before she expanded and was torn apart by the vacuum and the sheer speed that she was travelling at.

I ran to the door in a feeble attempt at running away from my worries, only to have it slammed in my face. I flew back into the room in an almost comical way, hit the wall and slid down on the brink of unconsciousness. I’d better get used to this I thought and watched Princess Mollestia enter the room. Great, now I’m gonna get sensually raped. I passed out. It’s just not my bloody day. Never is.

LE NOTHING IS HAPPENING

Chapter Five, All gone…

I woke up to another big eye in my face. A much bigger eye albeit, but an eyes none the less. The owner of said eye smiled “Ah” she sighed “You are awake. Good. Are you alright?” So it’s not just humans that ask blisteringly obvious questions. I had been sledging with my cousin once in a field not too far from my house. We had given each little area of it titles, you had a slight descent at one end which we nicknamed ‘The Baby Park’ the part next to it was steeper ‘The regular’ the part next to it steeper still and bumpy as well ‘Shaken and Stirred’ and finally ‘Death Valley’ I’ll give you three guesses why we called it that. We went on all but The Baby Park, and when it came to Death Valley I fell of my sledge face first into the snow. I quickly got up and looked at my sledge, still ploughing down the hill “Come back!” I yelled at it and gave chase. Not such a good idea as it turned out. There was a rabbit hole underneath the snow and as I ran, my right foot landed in it, my leg stopped, the rest of me did not. The end result – My kneecap shattered and my leg bent the wrong way.

As I lay screaming in pain my cousin came over and the first thing he asked was “Have you ever tried stabbing yourself in the dick?” With a slight frown.

“DO I LOOK LIKE I’VE STABBED MYSELF IN THE DICK!?!? LOOK AT MY FUCKING LEG!!!” And I pointed to it. He had a confused expression, obviously wondering what my leg had to do with stabbed dicks.

“Oh, I have, it was pretty erotic, before it got infected and fell off.” I stopped screaming and stared him in the eye.

“let me see it.” I said.

“there’s nothing there to see.” He replied.

“You have a vagina?”

“of course.”

“let me see it.”

He showed me the orifice before it turned yellow from the cold and the gonorrhoea he had contracted from my eyeballs.

I had exactly the same conversation with the first seven doctors that saw me. They all died from the deadly, incurable eye-gonorrhoea.

I looked at Mollestia “I’ll give you eye-gonorrhoea” I said, and struggled to my feet.

She smiled at me “I am Princess Mollestia, queen of the rapists, and you are?”

I went to shake her hoof. “The names Dickhead Mouse Torturer.” I reply and return the smile.

“I see, because of your mane. Well then, do you mind if I call you DMT instead? What are we to do with you?”

I whisper some curses at a wall, which replies, “why are you being so mean to me! I was only trying to be helpful!” It burst into tears and ran away, I recoiled as Mollestia stopped the house from collapsing by putting in magic beams. I regain my composure.

“Well you could finish me off” I suggest. I know she won’t but oh well.

“Now why in the whole of Equestria would I want to do that?” she asks.

“Well this screwy universe has already tried to kill me four times already, why make it wait any longer?” She frowned.

“Because you have so much to live for, DMT, and you only just got here! These ponies here are…”

“I already know who they are” I cut her off “Don’t worry” I massage my temples. My major injuries may be gone, but I still had scratches, bruises and the mother of all headaches known to any creature.

“Wut?” all the ponies said together. Ah… Now this could be interesting, they didn’t know they were a cartoon.

“Ahhhh… well… It’s complicated, so complicated your brains would melt.” Rainbow dash steps forward.

“Try me” she challenges.

“OK, lets do this.” I shout and dive on top of her slick, streamlined body. Kissing her deeply and powerfully, I stoke back her technicolour mane as she pulls my leg further up her side.

“You are so sexy, Rainbow.” I moan, she replies,

“I know.” I search down her belly until I find what I’m looking for. The blue pegasus groans slightly as I massage her undercarriage. Suddenly the blob appears at the window.

“We were engaged! How could you do this to me!” it shouts, before running away crying to join the wall in ‘offended crying shack’™

“I’m sorry Rainbow.” I say, “This could never work, I only have one true lover, that sexy, sexy blob.” RD stands up, tears in her eyes, and flies away to ‘offended crying shack’™ with her stiff wings, maybe she would tell the blob the truth and she would forgive me. I hope so.

“Are you crazy?” asks rarity slightly taken aback.

“No”

“Well then, now. You have some major explaining to do, DMT, what has just happened?”

“Wut?” My memories all flood back in one… The holiday… The plane… My family… I fall to my knees again and just look at the floor. Everything was gone. What now? I always wanted to go to Equestria for the lols, even though it never existed. Or at least that’s what I thought. But I never wanted to come like this… Everyone would have thought I died in the wreckage of the plane. Utter loss consumed my heart. “It’s all gone…” I mutter “I should be dead… My family… Friends… Joanne… All gone…” A single sob escaped me. This time it was Celestia’s hoof that can come to rest on my shoulder. Now a single tear trickled down my right cheek as I looked down, unseeing.

“I think, you could use a drink.” She said. This was unexpected, ponies offering alcohol? A glass of water materialised in front of me. Ah. Just water. I drank it all in two seconds and placed the glass down. I couldn’t let my emotions overcome me right now. I had to push them out of the way for now. I could cry and smash as much as I liked later.

“Do you have an hour?” I ask and I looked up at all the confused faces.  “Because this could take a while…”

LE BEGINNING

Chapter one, A Normal Lifestyle for me

“Oi wanker, get up!”

My wakeup call from my loving brother there. I murmur a muffled “Bugger off” into my covers and he rips the duvet off the bed.

“Come on, Dad wants you up now, you’ve already slept in too much” I groan and lift my face up out of my pillow. And look around.

“Is it past noon yet?” I ask, blearily rubbing my eyes.

“It’s eleven thirty”

“That means a good thirty more minutes in bed then” I say aloud and reach for my blanket again.

“Up” he says and dumps it on the floor “Now”

I finally get up grumbling about general rubbish and fall on my face. My leg had given out. “Ow”

My brother just laughs and goes off about his business. I had come to the conclusion that my body hated me long ago, and there was always something wrong. If I wasn’t ill, I was injured, and if I wasn’t either, it was a bloody miracle! I reach for the towel at the end of my bed. My own trusty towel. It was frayed at the edges and it was a sort of redy, pink colour, but it was a towel I managed to claim for my own since no one ever used it. I pull up the blinds and let the sun great me. “Another day” I say “Another kick to the balls from god” I was quite partial to taking old sayings and warping them into some daft depressing statement.

I walk downstairs in just my underpants and find dad trying that all important last level on one of his favourite games, Ace Combat 6, Wings of Gracemaria in the living room. He particularly liked flying games, but he also loved Halo to bits. He was just a big kid really. I continue my way to the downstairs bathroom where the shower was. Into the kitchen now and another familiar sight, Mum at the table with her MacBook working her way through more lyrics to a song she was working on over about five cups of tea. She had come from a musical background my. Her mum was a folk singer that travelled around with her family writing songs and playing them all the way. Through the little hallway we turned into a pantry and finally into the bathroom. I lock the door behind me, turn on the light which triggers the fan, and turn on the shower. I quickly throw my boxers into the dirty washing basket and hop in letting the hot water trickle down my body. I always preferred showers to baths, they were much faster and there wasn’t enough time in the day.

It only took me five minutes and I was back out again towelling off, and then heading back upstairs. Quick shave, deodorant, finish off with the hair dryer, and then go into my room to get dressed. I put on a cool new T-Shirt I just got with the Earth and the Galaxy on the front and a pair black jeans check my [REDACTED] review group, a stupid cunt that I call my friend sometimes, Hoe Joward’s his name, has posted loads of pony porn again. I hate him so much. I might just kick him from the group if this stuff gets any worse, he keeps coming back up with this idea that I am sexually attracted to a my little pony character called princess Luna. It’s true of course, but somehow him and that other prick, Pear we call him. Nicknames are so stupid sometimes. Anyway, these two worked out that I like luna and no matter how hard I try, they are convinced. It’s really annoying, if the wider world finds out I’ll look like a perve. But those socks... they’re so fucking sexy. I involuntarily drool slightly while fantasising about that beautiful, sexy pony. I hate the fact that it’s only a cartoon, she isn’t the only one I would shag. I’m going off on a tangent again, anyway, this douchebag Hoe apparently thinks like me, and he admits it. I don’t understand why or why everyone finds it so funny, I try so hard to cover up my fetish, they still detect it, Hoe pisses about and no one suspects him. ARGH! Why does the world want me dead?

After calming down I look on Facebook and [REDACTED] itself, then I was off. Out the door, and took a moment to appreciate the view. “I’ll never get tired of that view I say out loud. From here you could see a cove with a little village tucked in the side of the cliffs. There were a couple of woods also in view and the railway line. It had been raining recently so along with the seagulls messing around, there were waterfalls tumbling off the cliffs into the shining ocean. I sigh, one of the very few thinks at the moment that truly does make me happy is that view. Living in Hobin Roods Bay was certainly something when it was nice outside. Which trust me, isn’t usual… Bloody English weather.

Now off to see something else that would make me happy. My girlfriend. I spot my brother Gen come my way; he’d just finished walking the dog. I stood in front of him, teasing. Even though I was a two and a quarter years older than him, for four years we had been pretty much the same height. I had grown quite a bit now and I looked down at him “Midget” I joke with him, and he reaches to zap me in the ribs. I grab the offending arm and twist it behind his back. He laughs and I push him away. “Go on” I say and he transforms into a giant mutant bug beast, this happens a lot, so I ignore the abomination and stroll on by, cutting off one of it’s many limbs as I passed. That leg was Gen’s penis in his real form, but I never got to find that out and I munched contentedly on what I thought was a delicious raw bug limb, Eating penises is weird, but not if you don’t know you’re doing it. I grab my bike and free wheel down the hill that my house is on. A weeks half term holiday was definitely needed right now, however I was off to the south of France in three days, so I wouldn’t be here all week so I intended to make the best of it.

I get back around six after spending the day with Joanne. She was truly stunning. Black hair, green eyes, a sense of humour that was so close to mine it was almost uncanny.  For some reason she still won’t have sex with me. People don’t really turn me on any more, since I started watching mlp my mind always wanders over to Luna when I think about sex. Still, if we shagged it would still be nice, if nothing else I could pretend she was Luna. I mean don’t get me wrong this girl’s really attractive, I would enjoy sleeping with her even without fantasy, If only I could get her into some high socks. I find socks very sexy. She was great to be around with too, usually we meet up with Sparky and a couple of other non-brony friends and mess around in the park, drinking coke and telling stories of life playing silly buggers with us. Of course, they didn’t know I was a brony, and I didn’t intend to tell them either. The best story was always the one about sparky getting his nickname. His real name is Tom Jones, welsh singer would have been easier, but that was too obvious, so we needed a more obscure name that he had for no reason.

The perfect opportunity came when he was on holiday with me in Marrakech and we were sharing a room in the shabby hotel. It looked nothing like the publicity photos, paint was peeling from the walls and there were cockroaches all over the floor, there was a power junction box with exposed wires sticking out of it. We were boiling hot in the Saharan heat and decided to strip off in the bedroom, the smell of sweat and anticipation was in the air as we removed our sweaty clothes and threw them onto the bed. The feeling of homoerotica was everywhere and we wordlessly decided that it was as good a time as any to experiment with our sexuality, he pushed me down onto the bed and straddled me with his bare legs, it was quite arousing, but I’d never really liked lads. I stroked his face gently and said some suggestive, soothing words.

Suddenly, from the streets outside we heard the word “Pastilla!” We snapped our necks around and looked out of the window as various pastries thudded from the sky and slammed into the pavement, spreading fruity debris everywhere. We watched as a homeless man took a direct hit, the scene was horrifying, he got a piece of apple in his eye and the juices made his skin sticky and stained his clothes. “NOOOOO!” He shouted, falling to his knees, others running past, trying to save themselves from the edible onslaught and leaving the man with juice on his face.

The pastries stopped as suddenly as they had begun. A donkey arrived to carry the juicy man away to the asylum, the stickiness had driven him insane in seconds. My friend and I continued with the gay activities, he stood up next to the wall and I knelt down to waist level, as we were about to proceed, there was a boom in the distance as the local PowerStation was blown up by terrorists. The explosion caused a sudden electricity surge which shot into the broken junction box and electricity arced across to my friend’s dick, the skin was damaged and he had to be taken to hospital. While he was lying in bed with a rod up his urethra to stop the melted flesh from sealing itself, I leant down and said to him, “Sorry, homosexuality isn’t for me.” Before walking out of the door, causing his eye to spin once then stop dead.

He told the anecdote really well and if you didn’t witness it, you’d probably think it was bullshit, but by god was it funny. I made myself something to eat and went upstairs with it. Something nice and simple. I literally empty a small tin of sardines in spicy tomato sauce onto two small wraps and eat that. Bloody gorgeous. I smack my lips and put the plate on the floor while I turn on my computer and load [REDACTED] up again, read through a new story from an [REDACTED] author I quite like, then talk to my fellow brony friends on Skype. Only two of them are proper bronies, ones a complete psychopath who only introduced us all to My Little Pony because he likes to get people to do stuff and he’s an idiot who needs to obsess about something once in a while or he goes crazy. His name’s Hoe Joward, the one who pisses about and pretends to wank over ponies all the time. It really isn’t fair, I have a problem and he just pretends to have the same problem for fun, I don’t get it. The other once described himself as a nerd with a boner for adjectives and had earned himself the nickname “Pear” I’m not going to go into the reasons for that, but it did involve a pink condom and a fuckton of lizards. As a matter of fact, I don’t want to remind myself.

I told myself I shouldn’t cum because I was going to France and they said it wasn’t a problem. ‘Ahhhhhh’ I thought. ‘France. Peace in a beach villa for two weeks. I could definitely go for that’ I eventually got tired at eleven and decided to get some sleep. I didn’t get very much however, despite my vow not to ejaculate, I couldn’t help myself, Luna’s arse is so sexy, with those socks riding high up her legs, it never fails to give me a boner, and it just wouldn’t go away so I had no choice but to jizz all over my clean bedsheets, shouting out the princess’ name. I suddenly got all self-conscious and decided to clean up the mess that I – no, that luna had made. I eventually drifted into delicious dreams of that beautiful behind, until those two midgets came and started gang raping me, there was nothing I could do, their combined unicorn magic holding me down while I was being anally penetrated against my will. Suddenly another Princess Luna appeared and destroyed the rapists, she, along with the original luna, submitted to me and I had perfect sex with them both for the remainder of the dream.

LE PLEASE SOMETHING INTERESTING HAPPEN (now with 20% more line breaks)

Chapter Six, Arangements.

I explained everything to them, except the fact that MLP is just a cartoon on earth. I talked about my home, humanity as a general, my family, friends, girlfriend, the holiday, the plane, (explaining how it worked and what one was so they understood) how it went wrong, falling to my doom, and the immeasurable amount of pain I went through. They all clung on to my every word, they were amazed at everything, some of them even cried at one point when they realised my loss. At the end all of them were speechless. Pinkie Pie ended up jumping up to hug me and tried to talk, but just blubbered. I returned the hug and then looked over at Celestia. Her face was expressionless for a moment and then she sighed. There wasn’t much to say anymore, for anyone so there was a moment’s silence.

Finally Celestia said “Well then… You’re not having the best of times right now and I’m surprised you’re holding up so well. You are going to need a serious night’s sleep if you can muster it, so I suggest you stay here and sleep on this sofa, I will return in the morning and we will need to fix you with a more permanent shelter, food, drink and new clothing” she then turned to the mane six and then continued. “I suggest that you should also get well rested for tomorrows antics.”

They all nodded , said their goodbyes and wandered off out the door. Except for Twilight, she just stood there. “Goodbye Twilight, DMT.” Celestia finished and followed the other five outside. I realised that this must be Twilight’s tree home. I look around, book shelf’s everywhere. Yep, this is Twilight’s home alright. She looks at me and I look at her.

She blushes slightly and then asks “Erm… Would you like anything before you go to bed, Senpai?” I shook my head and she went about her business. I looked out the window. The sun was setting. Life sure was interesting right now. A pile of crap admittedly, but interesting.

I woke up to the sound of loud snoring. Twilight snores? I asked to myself, and then notice spike in his basket. Wow. I got up and had a look around. Twilight was at the table with a mug of tea and a book. She turned a page and recoiled as she got a paper cut on the lower part of her leg. She waved it around “Sugarplums!” she cursed then noticed me

“Oh, hey Senpai” and she blushed slightly again realising she must have looked like a fool.

“You look tired Twi-kun, didn’t get much sleep?”

She was obviously surprised I was already being casual and calling her “Twi-kun” and rose to her hooves, screaming "BAKA! It's not like I like you or anything senpai!" I just ignored it.

“Erm…” I started “You wouldn’t happen to have anything edible around here, would you?” I’m not one to usually have breakfast on the morning, but I hadn’t eaten much at all yesterday with all the being killed, fallen on and knocked out.

“Oh of course” she said and her horn glowed. A couple of draws opened and closed. “Actually, what do you eat?” she asked. I’d better not answer that truthfully I thought.

“Erm… Cereal? Eggs? Fish? Fruit?” She opened a cabinet and pulled out a carrot and half an apple. “That’ll do” I say, and sit down to munch.

After pleasing my stomach, the inevitable happened. Twilight bombarded me with questions of my cultures and influences, what my world was really like and many, many other things. All those Human in Equestria fan fics were pretty much accurate then. It might be an idea to use something from them From time to time. I tried to answer them as best I could, but some didn’t really make all that much sense to the way humans did act.

Right on cue, Princess Celestia came back with the other five again. ”Good morning DMT, good morning Twilight… Oh my… Bad night?” she had noticed Twilight was looking tired.

“Couldn’t sleep I’m afraid” Then all heads turned to spike who had just let out the loudest snore yet.

“No, don’t go just yet Rarity…” he mumbled in his sleep. Rarity blushed.

Twilight kicked his basket and he shot upwards releasing an “Eep” worthy of Fluttershy. And landed face first on the floor again.

Celestia turned back to me again. “Ahem, yes well. How are you feeling this morning DMT, any better?” She seemed genuinely concerned for me, I expected her to question the hell out of me, try to get me to lose my temper to see if I was dangerous or not, maybe even lock me away until she was positive I was safe to be around.

“I’ve been better miss, but I’ve been worse” I say trying to keep my manners in case she did do something like that anyway.

She nods and gives an understanding smile “I think it may be an idea to start getting you on your hooves” The others still seemed a bit uneasy around me, but they trusted the princess so as long as she was fine with me, they would be… Hopefully.

“Well” Rarity started “We had better get you some better clothing first, we can’t have you walking around in those rags.” I looked down at myself, my jeans were torn and singed as was my T-Shirt.

“Damn… I quite liked these, could we just repair them?” She looked shocked at the thought of me keeping them; I expected as much.

“Well, if you really want to keep them, but I must make you a spare pair in case anything happens to those, and why are you wearing them anyway? It’s not cold”

Ah… this could be awkward. “Well… my race we’re a bit more body conscious, you see things are more… Visible for us.” I flashed my enviable, rock-hard genitals at them and all the mane six blushed.

“Ah…” Rarity continued. “I can see how that could be problematic, DMT-sama. Wait, so that means you wear cloths almost all the time, right?”

“Um, yeah we do”

Her eyes looked like they were about to pop out. “OH MY GOODNESS, IT MUST BE FABULASS! What fashions are there? Do you have any pictures? SHOW ME!!!” I almost fell over with that last sentence.

“Rarity my dear, you should probably take it down a notch” Princess Celestia said a bit exasperated.

“Oh, of course, terribly sorry” she said sheepishly. “Well, anyway, I’m going to need to know what your clothing is made of if I’m to repair it.” I didn’t know, I decided it would be a good idea to take my T-Shirt off to look at the label. They all looked flummoxed at this.

“I thought you were a male, you’ve got nipples!” one of them said. “Ah… Well, I am male, we just have… Different bodys, as you can tell. They don’t work, they’re just there for some reason.” I stroked my nipples, making them erect so the ponies could see me in my true form, naturally leading to  passionate orgy in which a number of ponies were erotically killed. That could have gone better. I thought, could have gone worse though. I looked at the label on the neck of  the shirt. It read “Burton Menswear, London, Great British Style since Nineteen Hundred And Four, Small, Pure Cotton. “Erm, its pure cotton”

“How can you tell?”

I threw her the T-Shirt. “There’s a label on the neck, it tells you who the manufacturer is, where it came from, how old the company is and what it’s made from.”

Her eyes glazed over “That’s THE best idea EVER!!! I’m going to have to do this the everyone who looks at my clothing on another pony will go “Oooh, that’s nice, oh look it says Rarity made it in Ponyville, I want one” and they will know where to get one, and there will be ponies queuing outside the door out for MY clothes and I’ll make MILLIONS!!!” We all stared at her. “Oh, oops… I think I may have been a bit loud then…”

“As I was saying…” Celestia continued “Unless Twilight says otherwise I expect it will be ok for you to stay here with her for the moment and you could go around doing odd jobs earning bits, we can have a notice on the town hall notice board and in a few shops, and eventually with a bit of help, you may be able to get a little house of your own!”

I smiled. “That sound perfect. A little manual labour never killed… To many people… I imagine.” Silence.

“Well, I’d be happy to put a notice up in Mr and Mrs cakes shop for you, and I could even write it on the buns!” Pinkie started. Rarity then continued

“Yes, I’ll put up a notice on the shop, I don’t mind that”

“Urm, I could get Angel to tell all the other animals about it. I think…” Said Fluttershy.

“I could spell it out in the clouds!” Rainbow dash  blurted out. “That would be sooo cool”

“Ahm sure I could I could put a message on our apple based products and one on the barn too for y’all.” Applejack continued.

“I can get that notice in the town hall sorted out.” Twilight agreed.

“Well then, looks like my work here is done! I shall return soon to make sure you are happy and settling down nicely, don’t hesitate to ask twilight to send me a letter if you need something.”

“Thanks very much Princess” I gave a bit of an awkward bow, my back still hurt so I couldn’t give a proper one.

“My pleasure.” She said in a friendly tone. “And please, if you get depressed again, or need any support, I’m only a letter away.” She then said goodbye to Twilight, and left again.

“Right then, let’s get you sorted, we have SOOOOO much to talk about while I get your clothing” Rarity then practically dragged me out the door “Bye” I managed to say to the other five.

Things were starting to look up for me.