JKL;

by Phillips_Quickfix

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Discord, Princess Celestia, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 4439

Discord's fanfiction. Don't expect it to make sense.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Submitted for your approval is a bit of fanfiction ive been working on and am currently looking for some constructive criticism to help me develop my writing skills.

Synopsis: Continuity, character development, and drama. These are the things that make up a great story. An epic tale of our hero overcoming great strife to persevere in the end against a insurmountable foe. Or a heart wrenching tale of a girl looking for love in all the wrong places only to find it in the least likely place they could ever imagine. Or how about a detective trying to solve a murder and the path to its solution leading him down a dark and twisted path and suspects found around ever corner...

This is not any of those stories. Instead you get my Magnum Opus of an absolutely random, utterly chaotic, and hopefully hilarious attempt at comedy.

Please enjoy

Sincerely: Discord.
Lord of all things chaos.

(Author's Note: It will remain incomplete indefinitely.)

(Special thanks goes to Tomska for the inspiration.)

Published 2020-05-09 11:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2021-06-20 04:09:37 UTC

Chapter Uno! (draw 4)

Twilight took in a deep calming breath as she regarded the book that Discord had handed her. He had sent her a letter asking if she would be willing to critique it for him, and since she’s always eager help young budding artists she happily agreed to do just that for him. With a kind and disarming smile she looked up to see him nervously smiling and wringing his hands together.

With slight trepidation she opened it to the first page and beheld the story's one word title.

JKL;

* * *

The earth pony had been waiting all day for this moment. A moment he knew would probably never come again as his intended target stood there completely unaware. He took a brief moment to savor it before he sauntered near the unicorn as if he were just intending to pass him by. Then in one deft move he had flung one forelimb around the unicorn's neck, raised his other forelimb up and growled into his ear, "I'm going to p-" only to be Interrupted by a pie to his face.

* * *

Twilight was walking along the streets of Ponyville when she heard the most peculiar music. She stopped and perked her ears up in hopes of locating the strange music. She looked up just in time to have a piano drop on top of her.

Up on a cloud above sat Celestia who gave the goofiest trolling grin she could muster while next to her levitated a record player that played Trololo.

* * *

Luna, the moon pony.

Luna bounces happily on the surface humming to herself when she looks up in surprise as she notices your presence. She bats her eyelashes cutely and waves a fore-hoof to beckon you closer. Once you're both face to face she wraps her forelegs around your neck with a seductive smile and whispers. "I have green socks..."

The end.

* * *

The young pegasus loved flying about among the clouds. she ducked and weaved as she hummed to herself. This calm serene moment all to herself sent shivers coursing through her body, or maybe it was just the wind whipping past her body as she flew along at a casual pace. The giddy feeling deep within her welled up so big that it made her want to sing, and so she did. "I'm a magical pegasus flying through the sk-" Any further singing was halted due to a cyan pegasus with rainbow colored hair and tail careening into her side at mach one.

* * *

Spike walks up to an unassuming lamp in the middle of the library floor. "Twilight, did you turn yourself into a lamp again?"

"No..." The comfy purple and pink Lazy Colt recliner behind Spike sighed.

* * *

"I'm going to do an internet!" Lyra Heartstrings cried with one foreleg held up in the air in excitement.

Perplexed, Bonbon walked up behind Lyra and asked, "What's an internet?"

Lyra promptly face-planted through the desk utterly deflated.

* * *

Spike walked up next to Pinkie Pie and took a long hard look at her cutie mark of three balloons. Somewhat mesmerized by them he extended a finger and poked one of the balloons with a dragon claw and Pinkie Pie flew off like a rapidly deflating balloon, making the accompanying sound as she went. Eventually her random flight path led her to smack into a wall thoroughly deflated.

* * *

Apple Jack kicked a nearby apple tree and got crushed by a giant pineapple.

* * *

Trixie levitated her hat upside down in front of her. With a free hoof she waved a wand over the opening and out popped a cartoon rabbit who promptly kissed her on the lips.

* * *

The earth pony ran at near break neck speed down the road. He had to get away from them. He couldn't slow down or they would catch him. He looked back now to see that no one was there. Somehow he had managed to lose them.

With a deep sigh of relief as he turned his head forward once more just in time to come to a skidding halt in front of Pinkie Pie whom suddenly exclaimed "CHERRYCHANGA!" and exploded leaving behind a black charred yet clearly alive earth pony whom only blinked in confusion.

* * *

Celestia walks into the room. Her regal shoes are clacking against the marble floor as she approaches you. She winks with a giggle and says. "Don't you dare smile."

* * *

A unicorn walks up to another more posh looking unicorn, squints his eyes, and in a deep gravelly voice says "Mustache socks!"

* * *

Cheerilee sighed as she levitated an envelope before addressing the pegasus filly in front of her. "Scootaloo, this letter is the last thing your mother wrote before she died." The letter levitated in front of the young pegasus who took it in her mouth as Cheerilee continued. "She wanted me to make absolutely sure that it got to you along with specific instructions that it was only to be opened in the event of her death." With that she nodded her consent for Scootaloo to proceed.

Scootaloo ripped open the top and peered inside. A muffin shot out and pelted the filly pegasus in the face.

* * *

Rarity walks into the next room to find Sweetie Belle drawing on a piece of paper in the middle of the floor. Rarity reaches a hoof out to hug her sister only for the filly unicorn to burst into flames and start sparking. Rarity promptly face-hoofs and sighs. "I hate Mondays."

* * *

Fluttershy stared nervously at the other pegasus that was standing dangerously close to the shed. "I wouldn't try to go into my shed if I were you." She warned.

"Phffft!" The other pegasus scoffed. "What's the worst that could happen?"

A face appeared on the shack which then ate the unfortunate pegasus in one gulp.

* * *

A heavy techno base blared from the speakers as Vinyl Scratch bobbed her head in time with the beat. All the ponies danced and swayed in time with the rhythm. Some of them Vinyl noticed were wearing glow rings, necklaces, and various other glow accessories. All was going great for tonight's show and it could only get better as she ramped up the volume. The speakers burst with loud wubz as the white unicorn DJ used her magic to levitate a microphone to her mouth. She inhaled ready to speak into the mic, and was promptly crushed beneath two unconscious pegasi that fell from the sky, one of which had a rainbow colored mane and tail.

* * *

"Well Twilight?" Discord asked with nervous anticipation as she closed the small book containing all of his random disjointed stories that he had written and handed to her. "What do you think?

Twilight opened her mouth to say something but instead let out a snort that immediately sent her into a guffawing laughing fit. She only managed to choke out an, "I love it!" between laughs much to Discord's delight. Then suddenly against all known laws of biology, physics, and reason, Twilight Sparkle somehow gave Discord a thumbs up.

Chapter Rubix Cube

"Hey Rarity, what's this book about?" Sweetie Belle asked her older Sister while pointing a hoof at the book on the breakfast table.

"That's a new book by a new author that Twilight is trying to back." Rarity explained as she took the book in her magic and cracked it open just a bit. "She says it's really funny though I haven't gotten around to reading it yet."

"Who's it written by?" Sweetie asked.

Rarity opened the book and was blasted in the face by a near constant fountain of sea water that had the unicorn blubbering and sputtering until it finally slowed to a trickle. "Discord..." the unicorn sighed with lament as she levitated a portable mirror up to her face and gasped at what she saw.

There stuck on Rarity's forehead happened to be seaweed that spelled out the letters...

JKL;

* * *

Twilight Sparkle, dressed in her favorite lab coat, opened her refrigerator intent on retrieving something important for her experiment.

Upon opening it Rarity's disembodied but still very clearly alive head said, "Kill me."

"Later." Twilight replied while retrieving the item for her experiment.

"Who!" Said Rainbow Dash's perfectly healed chest.

"Owluicius?" Twilight asked with a puzzled look towards Rainbow Dash.

* * *

Rainbow Dash, Vinal Scratch, and a brown pegasus remained unconscious and tangled together on the dance floor as ponies continued to dance and rave around them.

* * *

Celestia is about to enjoy a nice slice of red velvet cake with white frosting when she looks towards the door and asks "who are you?"

Seconds later a blast erupts from the kitchen and a blue Police Call Box flies down the hall under its own power with a very angry white alicorn goddess screaming bloody murder about her stolen treat while chasing after.

* * *

Hello!

You you should smile more.

Also I'm hugging you because you had a really really really really bad day dealing with grumpy mcmeanie pants all day who make unreasonable demand of you so you could probably use the comfort. You're also a good person and you're worth it and need to hear -er read it from time to time. It's like my friend Ditzy Doo, she can be clumsy sometimes but she tries real hard and does great at her job, even if some ponies call her mean names just because of her clumsy nature, so I often make her a spare muffin to help her feel better.

*Deep inhale*

Anyway the author is running out of things to write so I'm going to head out.

Also

Your my new bestest friend, and you're still worth it.

Pikie what are you doing to my story!?

But you're not the one who's actually wr-

STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!!!

* * *

:And now it's time for Science with Twilight Sparkle:

Twilight walked up to a chalkboard with a smile on her face. With her magic she levitated a piece of chalk up and brought it close to the board. "Today we're going to learn abo-" was as far as she got before a grand piano landed on her, again.

"Oopsies!" said Celestias trollish voice from somewhere up above.

* * *

Zechora was gathering up wood in the Everfree forest. One particular stick caught her attention which caused her to pause and examine it much more closely, that is until Pinkie Pie walked by giving the stick a little slap.

The stick laughed in response much to Zechora's shocked confusion before she quickly threw it right back where she found it.

* * *

Mrs. Cake gently placed the freshly baked pie in the display counter and closed the back. A unicorn stallion approached the counter ready to buy something when the pie made a very loud sneeze that startled everyone in the shop.

"Discord helped you with the baking again?" Mr. Cake asked.

Everypony else had already left the shop as fast as their hooves could carry them.

* * *

Luna, the moonpony.

"IAMNIGHTMAREMOON!!"

The End.

* * *

Mare Do Well approaches Rainbow Dash holding up a live grenade with the pin pulled saying, "Here, this is for you."

"Oh gee thanks!" Rainbow Dash says and takes a bite out of it. "Mmm, Pineapple."

* * *

"Hello Scootaloo." Fluttershy greeted one of her chickens as she went onward to take care of the rest of her animals.

The chicken was enveloped in a green aura to reveal a changeling in disguise. "How does she always know?" The orange changeling with purple fins and tail asked nopony in particular.

* * *

"Kitten fight!" Button Mash exclaimed with excitement before an angry Fluttershy jumps out of the bushes glaring at the Colt.

"Don't you d-" was all she managed to get out before a kitten landed on her face.

Fluttershy Donated a new Button Mash statue to Celestia for her garden.

* * *

Celestia walks up alongside her younger sister Luna with a sly grin and asks, "Do you like bananas?"

"I like pears" Luna said while doing shades as she continues "I fell down some stairs." She then goes sliding down a set of stairs on her backside while pulling out a doughnut and resuming with "I eat-"

Celestia ate Luna's chocolate eclair in one bite.

* * *

A blue Police Call Box materializes in the middle of Ponyville town square. A brown earth pony emerges from inside while taking a cautious look around before sighing with relief.

With more confidence he takes three steps away from the box and is promptly crushed by a grand piano.

* * *

Nightmares Moon looms over the denizens of ponyville a grin spreads on her face that soon erupts into a cackling laugh. She waves a hoof in the air over her audience as she says, "Ah! After ten thousand years I'm finally free! Time to conquer Equestria!"

Pinkie Pie facehoofs.

* * *

Pinkie Pie double facehoofs.

LEAVE THE FOURTH WALL ALONE!!!

Chapter Fish

It was a beautiful sunny day at the beach. Three energetic young fillies ran along the edge of the water when one of them came across a big, beautiful conch shell.

“Look at this!” Apple Bloom exclaimed.

The two other members of the CMC immediately approached their friend, curious to see what she had found.

“Wow! What a big shell!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed. “Button Mash told me they can sometimes carry messages from deep within the ocean.”

“Really? I wonder what’s in this one.” Apple Bloom replied, and pressed the shell to her ear. “Hello?”

“We’re sorry.” Came a pre-recorded message from within the shell. “In order to complete this call, please deposit five bits.”

Apple Bloom turned to look at her friends quizzically; Scootaloo sighed with annoyance, and produced a five-bit coin, which she proceeded to insert into the shell.

“Thank you.” Said the automated voice. “Connecting you now.”

The three ponies gathered close against the shell, eager to find out what it had to say. A second later, a sultry, seductive voice filled their ears, sensuously whispering…

“JKL;”

#

Button Mash is playing on one of the arcade cabinets. His concentration is keen when with a final slash he gains victory and defeats the final boss of the game!. An electronic voice announces: "Congratulations! You Win.. " Button Mash starts a victory dance but is interrupted when the arcade finishes with "... Pancakes!"

“Wait, what?” is all that the colt manages to utter before he is promptly buried under a mountain of pancakes.

#

Two pony lovers are sitting on a bench. The stallion turns to his marefriend, and holding her hoof in his, says "You take my breath away."

“I do?” The mare asked with confusion.

“Yes!” The stallion said as if gasping for air and then promptly faints.

#

Celestia, Luna, and Cadance are playing poker. Luna slaps down some cards exclaiming "Aha! Royal Flush!"

Celestia sighs, jumps into a nearby toilet’s bowl, and flushes herself down.

#

A new sit-down cabinet arrives at the arcade. Button Mash sits down to play. The game welcomes him: “Greetings, Starfighter. You have been recruited by the Star League to defend the Frontier against Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada. Get ready. Prepare for blast-off!” “Cool! Button Mash exclaims before the cabinet suddenly blasts off into space.

#

Spike plants himself in front of Sweetie Belle and exclaims “Imma firin’ mah lazor!”, then Sweetie Belle yells “BLAAARGH!” and blasts him by shooting a powerful beam from her mouth.

#

At the Changeling cafe, two ponies sit down and order potato soup. Then another pony patron stands up, screaming in pain, and a changeling larva bursts from his chest. He says "Not again!" before collapsing.

The two ponies stand up and exclaim "check please!"

#

Sweetie Belle dreams she's relaxing in a lake, swimming backwards. She exclaims “Oh, this lake is so warm… “ then stops suddenly and asks herself "Wait. Am I dreaming?"

Luna pops in out of nowhere and says "Yes, you are dreaming. Also, you wet the bed."

Sweetie Belle wakes up and exclaims "Dang it!"

#

Shining armor is playing with dolls and gets interrupted by a guard requesting his presence.

“Sir! You are needed for your new Captain’s knighting ceremony.”

Shining scrambles to hide the figurines and asks if the guard saw anything. Guard says yes.

Shining Armor: "Well, sh-"

#

Button Mash and the arcade cabinet are traveling at high speed in space, Button calls out “Hello? Is Anyone there?” No answer. “I have to go to the bathroom!”

Behind him are the words: “Button Mash was not the imposter”.

#

Big Mac is dancing in a ballet wearing a pink tu-tu when he suddenly stops and asks. “Wait, is this a dream?”

Luna pops in out of nowhere and says, “Yes, and you also wet the bed.”

Big Mac wakes up and exclaims “Nope!”. He then pulls the covers off of him and says “I wouldn't dream of ruining this pretty pink tu-tu.”

#

Apple Bloom is sitting down at the orchard, eating a juicy apple after a long day of chores. King Sombra materializes in front of her and exclaims: “Did you know that apple seeds contain the compound amygdalin, which will become toxic hydrogen cyanide in your stomach if you were to ingest them?”

Apple Bloom says “Uh… no, Ah didn’t know… “

Sombra replies: “Well, now you do! Bwa, ha, ha, ha, ha!” and slowly ascends into the sky.

#

Fluttershy is hiding in some bushes, looking up into the sky with her binoculars. She exclaims with great joy: “Finally! The great flying whale migration is about to start!”

The words, “ I wonder if it will be friends with me, Hello Ground!” are heard just seconds before a giant whale crashes down on top of her.

#

Granny Smith is at the hospital, refusing to be seen by the doctors, yelling at them: “Leave me alone! I ain’t a spring chicken anymore, but I have plenty of fight left in me! Stay back; I have an apple!”

Doctor Stable says: “That’s a potato you’re holding.”

Granny looks at her hoof and simply mutters “Dangnabbit... “

#

Applejack is cornered by a vampire doctor, so she pulls out a crucifix and exclaims “Take this!”

The would-be bloodsucker chuckles and says: “Joke’s on you. I’m an atheist!”

Applejack tosses the crucifix away and replies “That’s why I came prepared!”, then pulls out an apple and shoves it towards the vampiric medical professional, who hisses and runs away.

#

Mrs. Harshwinny turns off the TV after seeing the events at the Changeling cafe and addresses the audience: “It’s clear now that the writers have resorted to simply ripping off the works of Mel Br- “ just before a 16-ton weight falls unceremoniously on top of her.

#

Immediately after this, Twilight Sparkle and Discord are sitting at a news desk. Twilight neatly arranges a stack of papers and says “And now for something completely different... “ as a grand piano falls unceremoniously on top of her. Discord just smirks.

#

King Sombra is banished into the Dark Dimension by the Crystal Heart. He sits down, sighs in defeat, and mutters: “Hello, darkness, my old friend.. “

The changeling larva that erupted from the pony patron at the cafe passes by while wearing a hat and cane, happily singing a song about a ragtime gal.

Sombra promptly stands up and exclaims “Check Please!”

#

Rarity is having lunch with Maud Pie and Boulder. Maud gently pets her mineral-based companion and says: “Boulder and I have always had a rock-solid friendship.”

Rarity laughs gracefully at the pun, then pulls out a firehose and blasts Maud with pure water pressure.

#

Sweetie Belle is again swimming in a very warm lake. She suddenly stops and says, “Wait. This is the same dream from the other time.” Luna pops in out of nowhere and confirms so: “Indeed, it is.” Celestia then surfaces from under the lake and says “This isn’t water we’re swimming in, is it?”

#

A whale is hiding in the bushes, looking into the sky with a pair of binoculars, then exclaims: “Oh, finally! The great Fluttershy migration is about to start!”

Then, nothing happens because whales cannot survive for long outside of water and there wasn’t enough money in the budget to animate this sequence.

#

The Cakes are getting ready to attend the Grand Galloping Gala. Mrs. Cake turns around and asks her husband: “Does this dress make my butt look fat?”

Mr. Cake replies: “No. Your butt looks fat no matter what you’re wearing.”

Mrs. Cake’s execution for equicide has been scheduled for Friday.

#

Lyra starts singing while doing the house chores: “Mama… I just killed a man… “

Bon-Bon rolls her eyes and gives Lyra a medicine bottle. “Lyra, you’re talking nonsense again. Time for your pill.”

“Okay.” Lyra takes the pill and Bon-Bon vanishes.

#

Spike walks up to a table with a pickle on it. “Turned yourself into a pickle this time, Twilight?”

“Not this time.” Said the random toilet in the middle of Twilight’s laboratory.

#

Lyra is singing again while doing chores: “Is it either real, or it’s a dream… there’s nothing that it’s in between… twilight… I only meant to stay a while...”

Bon-Bon approaches with the medicine bottle and gently chides her. “Lyra, you’re back to singing the crazy songs you think the ‘humans’ wrote. Please, take your pill.”

“But what if you disappear again?”

Bon-Bon chuckles and comforts Lyra, offering a pill. “I promise I won’t disappear. Trust me.”

Lyra nods and exhales to reassure herself. “All right. Down the hatch it goes.” After swallowing the pill, she exclaims “Hey, I think I’m starting to feel better!” and vanishes before Bon-Bon’s eyes.

#

Lyra is cleaning the kitchen, singing another song she claims was written by humans: “I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name… it felt good to be out of the rain… “

Bon-Bon bursts in, upset: “Lyra, you’ve been skipping on your pills again, haven’t you?”

Lyra replies in defiance: “Yes! And what if I have? I’m tired of ponies vanishing before me when I take one, and having to go make an offering at the altar in the Plains of Despair to have them returned!”

“We’ve been over this before! The fountain in the plaza is not an altar, and you do NOT need to drop a number two on the edge and then set it on fire! Now, take your pill before the ‘nice’ ponies in the clean white coats come to take you away to the ‘funny’ farm!”

Lyra slaps the bottle away from Bon-Bon’s hoof, making it land on the kitchen counter and refuses loudly: “That doesn’t scare me! They moved the funny farm away to the land down under two weeks ago, and you can’t make me take one more of those damned pills!”

The pill bottle props up and yells: “Ah, enough of this! I’ve had it with you and your bickering! Shut up, you crazy pony bitches!”, and grabbing one of the pills that had spilled on the counter, swallows it.

Lyra and Bon-Bon turn to look and shrug at each other, vanishing afterwards from existence.

“Ah, sweet silence.” says the bottle, and happily heads back to the cabinet to sleep in peace.

#

Spike sits down at the table ready to eat a fresh, hot pizza he just pulled out of the oven. He bites hungrily into a slice, then a voice booms out of nowhere: “SPIKE WINS. FATALITY! FLAWLESS VICTORY!”

#

Spike and Twilight are doing the dishes in the kitchen. Spike hands Twilight a pizza cutter for her to dry, and suddenly asks: “Hey, Twilight. Have you ever wondered if there are beings from other planets living among us?”

Twilight snorts and chuckles at the idea: “Oh, Spike. That is infinitesimally unlikely. Almost impossible. Come on; we’re done here, so let’s go fly a kite at the park.”

“All right!” Spike exclaims and follows Twilight out of the kitchen. A few seconds later, one of the kitchen drawers opens by itself, as the pizza cutter jumps out of it and yells: “They’re onto us! Abort the mission! Run, comrades!”

An army of silverware and kitchen utensils then runs out of the kitchen, screaming in panic.

#

Fluttershy walks by in a suit.

“That is the joke.” Discord says while looking at you as she passes.

#

Twilight looks up from the book she was reading, and over at Discord who’s leaning against the wall.

“That is the joke.” Discord responds nonchalantly.

#

Diamond Tiara walks up to Silver Spoon, and points at the frozen flavored treat she’s currently holding: “Guess what? I have a popsicle!”

Silver Spoon replies flatly: “That’s a churro you’re holding.”

“You’re mistaken! This is clearly a- what the heck?” Diamond Tiara responds, before looking at the churro now in her grip

# #.

Discord and Twilight are again sitting at a news desk; Discord arranges the papers and looks at the camera, saying “And now, In other news… “

“Oh, hay no!” Twilight exclaims and jumps to the side, “Ha! You thought you’d be able to pull that trick of dropping a piano on me again, didn’t you? You have to get up pretty early in the morning to outsmart me, bucko!”

“Twilight, please.” Discord rolls his eyes. “Everyone knows that the best comedy comes in threes, and we’ve done that joke since chapter one. ”

“All right, if you say so... “ Twilight sighs in relief, “I guess it would be a little redundant to repeat-“ and the alicorn is then unceremoniously crushed by a cow falling from above.

“Moooo!” said the cow.

“So we decided to steal from Earthworm Jim.” Discord cackles. “Goodnight everybody!”