It was another day. Another regular visit to Canterlot. The sun shone over the land, urging on daily routine life. And on this particular afternoon a young scholarly drake and an athletic pegasus lazily rested on one of the castle’s terrace lifts, peering over the bustling city. Suffice it to say, they were very bored. After so many repeated trips and stopovers to Equestria’s renowned capital, it seemed as if the two had done all there was to do within the boundaries of the urban area. So they stationed themselves on a high balcony, making small talk, all the while impassively observing the citizens partake in their mundane duties.
At the current moment their closest friends were preoccupied with their own individual business. Princesses Twilight Sparkle was busily fulfilling diplomatic matters with foreign ambassadors.
Boring.
Pinkie Pie was out, doing whatever she does, probably purchasing party supplies only available in the city’s shops.
Old news.
Fluttershy was having a grand ol’ time chatting with the critters residing in the castle’s gardens.
Who would have guessed, right?
Rarity was likely mingling with the social elites, discussing the latest fashions and whatnot.
How dreary.
Spike and Rainbow Dash were tired of the monotony. Still, their own solution at eliminating the lack of eventfulness to the day merely went flat. Remaining inside the castle was no better than any other option they’d come upon while discussing potential activities. All they could do was allow the tedium to slowly consume the precious minutes that ticked on forward.
“Hey, Dash…”
“Hmm, what’s up?”
“I just don’t get it.”
“Hmm?”
“It’s like no matter how much I keep seeking the answers, I keep coming upon more annoying questions. Seriously, I just don’t get it.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Rainbow replied blankly.
Spike directed his attention onto the sidewalks, pointing a finger at a group of adult mares.
Assembled together, the bourgeois of Canterlot tittered and gossiped amongst themselves in carefree fashion. As if to uphold their elite socioeconomic status, each mare donned extravagantly flashy garments, an obvious sense of pride and mystique apparent in their countenance.
“Look at them.” The young drake sighed, learning further into the balcony railing. “Walking and talking together, pretending like they don’t notice everyone staring at them. It’s like they were born to always be the center of attention.”
“Yeah, well, I wasn’t staring.” Rainbow marked, waving a dismissive hoof.
“I don’t get it. Why is it like this?”
“What, that they think they’re all that?” The sporty pegasus followed her rhetorical question with a slight shrug. “That’s just how it is. They’re rich, so they try to look the part.“
“I’m not referring to their wealth. I’m talking about their looks.”
Rainbow glanced again in the direction of the mares. She wouldn’t admit it aloud, but she could objectively discern their physical attributes as attractive. Each pony among the close-knit group had long, slender frames accompanied by cutely short snouts. Their manes, groomed and stunningly kempt, flowed and curled to seeming perfection, the result of commitment to attending hair appointments.
The tomboyish pegasus swam a hoof through her own disheveled mane, “They look okay, I guess.”
“That’s all you can say? Just ‘okay’? Face it, they’re beautiful.”
“Hey, I said they looked okay. You and I find attraction in different things. Besides, I think I recognize one of them. The one the rest of them are crowding around. Pink-haired unicorn…”
“Fleur Dis Lee.” Spike said knowingly. The name was already on the tip of his tongue. “She’s a famous supermodel staying here in Canterlot. You know, the one always hanging around Fancy Pants.”
“Fancy Pants? Do I know the guy?”
“Rarity knows him.” He grumbled.
Rainbow nodded, her eyes lighting up. “Now I remember! Wasn’t she on the cover of that one fashion magazine for, like, three months straight or something? I knew I’d seen her somewhere.”
“That’s her. Definitely one of the most beautiful mares I’ve ever seen in my entire life.”
“Second to me, of course.” Rainbow teased, biting her lower lip to stifle a laugh. “It’s okay. I know you’ve been eyeing me from the get-go. You don’t have to hide it anymore.”
Spike replied with deadpan sarcasm. “Oh, no. You totally got me. I don’t know what to say…” He didn’t bother to break away his watch on the unsuspecting group below. “Yeesh, I seriously don’t get it.”
“You don’t get why you’ve got the hots for me? Isn’t it obvious?” She pressed, finally breaking into a fit of chuckles.
He chose to ignore her last comment. Bringing a palm up to his face, he grunted, “I just. Don’t. Get it.”
After a bit of laughter, she exhaled brassily. “So are you going to keep leaving me to guess what exactly you’re not getting? ‘Cause I’m kind of losing interest.”
“Dash, tell me the answer. Maybe you know something I don’t.”
A buoyant grin stretched across her mug. “I usually know all the answers. Ask away.”
“Fleur Dis Lee…she’s so pretty.” He said, turning back to face Rainbow.
She cocked an eyebrow. “And?”
“That’s what I don’t get. What is it about a pretty face that makes it so irresistible?” The young drake paused, staring longingly at the gorgeous unicorn. As he focused more on the image of Fleur Dis Lee, his imagination got the better of him, causing his heart to palpitate rapidly. “How does one approach somepony who gives off this vibe of being so…” he paused again, unconsciously licking his lips, “...untouchable?”
“Ugh, why did you lick your lips so creepily like that?” She gagged in exaggeration.
Spike froze, dumbstruck with embarrassment. He then proceeded to immediately cover his mouth. “What are you talking about?” He muffled out.
She shot out an accusing hoof. “You totally stopped mid-sentence and licked your lips like a hungry predator.”
“B-because my lips were dry!”
“Yeah, yeah. We’ve all got chapped lips when we’re too busy stalking supermodels.”
“I’m not stalking!” He shouted back.
“Uh, huh.” She rolled her eyes.
“That moment was totally inconveniently timed! And you know it!”
Her lips suddenly formed into a slight smirk. “Look, she’s not as untouchable as you think. I mean, if you keep shadowing her for a year or so, you might make some progress in getting closer–“
“Oh, shut up!” The fuming little drake had had enough mockery. He stomped away from the balcony, heading inside the castle. “Just forget it!”
“Oh, come on, Spike. Don’t get all worked up.” Rainbow hovered close behind, snickering. “I’m just egging you on.”
“Whatever.” He muttered, his tone lacking any semblance of amusement.
Rainbow continued cackling, reveling in the only bit of entertainment she’d enjoyed that day. “Come on, you didn’t even let me answer you. I wasn’t being that hard on you.”
As if being clocked upside the head with a shovel, Spike abruptly stopped in his tracks, almost tripping over himself. The sensation he’d experienced then was instantaneous. His mind whirred, the gears and cogwheels of intuition working into overdrive. An idea had suddenly materialized, forcing the young intellectual to play with possibilities, while simultaneously measuring probabilities. He soon drew up theories and marked down results deemed entirely feasible. What did he come upon? Could the plan actually work? After a half-minute of silent contemplation, he realized he’d discovered a means to an end, a precious treasure with the potential to change his life forever. And it was all due to his friend’s nonsensical clowning.
He produced a soft smile, anticipation igniting his spirit, his neurons now jumpstarted and charged. He turned again to the giggling pegasus, “I think I get it now.”
With that, he exited the veranda, entering the hallway leading to the castle’s main scullery.
Rainbow trailed him. “Told you I got all the answers.” She leered, remaining in near proximity to her draconic companion. “Where are you going, anyway?”
“The kitchen.” He answered bluntly, his footwork now lighter than his previous plodding.
Rainbow’s wings flitted excitedly. “Good idea. They might be serving more cake. I didn’t even get to try a slice earlier. Pinkie Pie gulped everything down before I could even blink twice.”
“I’m not going there for cake.” He said, maneuvering around a bend, his pace quickening.
With Rainbow accompanying Spike, the two finally arrived at the kitchen. They found two castle employees, a chef and a service maid, already working in preparation for the evening’s dinner reception. Courtesy greetings ensued, and without wasting another second the pegasus launched herself across the other side of the room, slicing and scooping up three large pieces of chocolate cake sitting in the corner. She then began scarfing down the pastry, completely forgetting any show of table etiquette. Spike paid no mind to his friend’s uncouth mannerisms as he spoke in quiet utterances with the chef.
“Score! Pinkie’s got nothing on this baby!” She squealed in sheer elation, stuffing a large forkful in her mouth. “Uh, it’s so good. Dude, are you gonna get in on this?”
“No thanks. I got what I came for.” He beamed, a confident glint in his eye. His hands were behind his back, holding onto a small white plastic bag.
“What’d you get?” She eyeballed the bag, stretching her neck over the dragon’s shoulder in an effort to discover the answer herself.
Spike shifted away, shaking his head. “If you want to see what’s inside, then we’re going now.”
“Hold on, let me finish my cake first.” She said, engulfing a whole slice.
“No time. I need to catch up to her.” He started jogging for the exit, leaving Rainbow to clumsily set aside her unfinished plate.
“Whoa, wait up! Who’re you talking about?” Rainbow asked, hurriedly following up to Spike, who’d by then began racing his way through the halls.
“You ask too many questions, you know that?” He retorted, expertly pivoting around corner after corner with remarkable speed. “Can’t you let the suspense build for a little bit? You’re always rushing things. I know you’re all about being the ‘fastest’, but, seriously, you could slow things down every once in a while.”
Rainbow scoffed. “What? Where’s this suddenly coming from? You’re the one not slowing down!” She whipped ahead of the drake to face him, hovering in synchronized step as she fluttered backwards. “And it’s not like you’re giving me anything to work with here. Just earlier you were all like ‘I don’t get it, tell me the answer, blah, blah’. You got all question-y on me first, bud!”
He kept his stride. “Fine, you wanna know what’s in this bag?” Spike lifted the plastic bag in front of her face, shaking it. “It’s the answer! The answer I’ve sought for the past few years! It’s the real deal now!”
Rainbow rubbed her temples, still very confused. “I don’t get it. Answer to what?”
“There you go, asking too many questions again. It’s time to start going with the flow.” Spike twisted around the pegasus, pushing open the doors of the castle’s front entrance. “We’ve made it outside, so just help me find that group we saw earlier. You’ll understand everything soon.”
She didn’t bother arguing any further. In any case, things were finally getting a little interesting. Rainbow figured she might as well see where it was all heading.
On cue she elevated higher into the sky, scanning the perimeter. The group of exquisitely bodacious mares was nowhere to be found. The only ponies in sight were two royal guards maintaining their post alongside the front castle gates, and a few passersby in the middle of window-shopping. “They’re probably on the other side of the castle.” She called down to Spike, rocketing in perfect circumference around the fortress and swiftly halting in the exact same position. “I just saw them! Let’s go!”
She didn’t spare another second waiting. In an instant Rainbow Dash bulleted in a fully swept arc, latching onto the dragon while skillfully carrying themselves over the castle’s spires. Like the competently trained Wonderbolt that she was, Rainbow accomplished a neat landing right in front of the privileged mares. She then released her companion, stepped back a few steps, and mentally prepped herself for the show that was undoubtedly about to commence.
“Excuse me, ladies.” Spike enunciated every syllable delicately, pumping his small chest up in a display of imagined dominance. “I’d like to speak to the ever so lovely Fleur Dis Lee. Please allow me this great honor. It is paramount that I have a few minutes with her.”
“Smooth, dude. Very smooth.” Rainbow Dash chided derisively before clapping a hoof over her mouth. The moment she’d uttered a sound Spike whipped his head around to send her the nastiest glare he could muster. ‘Back off, Dash! Shut up and watch me work my magic!’ He hadn’t said these words aloud, yet it was painfully apparent from his foul expression how much he wanted her to remain a neutral observer. The message was too clear to ignore.
Almost mechanically Spike altered his distorted scowl into a refreshing grin, promptly turning his attention back to the group of posh noblemares. Playing the part of their aristocratic origin, the mares silently exchanged perceptive glances to each other, a few having brought their lips close to Fleur’s ears. Neither Rainbow nor Spike could make out a single word from their mouths. They could only stand still in grating anticipation.
The mares proceeded to squeeze tightly together, creating a close-knit barrier around their rare little pearl, Fluer Dis Lee. One of them finally directed a response to the expectant drake.
“Whatever you’re selling, she’s not interested.”
“Now if you could move aside…” Another mare added haughtily, “We’d like to carry on with our days, hmm.”
Spike wasn’t affected in the slightest. “I’d prefer the lady to speak for herself, thank you.” He couldn’t hide his attempt at mimicking the mares’ snobbish mannerisms. “And I’m not here to sell anything. Only to bestow upon her a rare gift.”
“Psha.” A third mare rolled her eyes incredulously. “Fleur’s been given plenty of precious gifts from the most noble elite of all Equestria. What rare thing could you even-?”
“Hush, Emerald Lilac.” Fleur interrupted, cutting off her associate. She stepped forward, breaking off the shield of bodies in a regal fashion. “Let us humor the baby dragon for a moment. A rare gift, he said. How rare?”
“Only the rarest for Ms. Fleur Dis Lee.” Spike quipped back, his toothy grin stretching widely. He held up the white plastic bag, relishing in the way everypony had redirected their focus to stare at it. “This gift is for your memory. In this bag is something that nopony has ever seen before…and it is something that nopony will ever see again.”
‘Huh? No way did you find something like that in the kitchen.’ Rainbow thought to herself, totally engrossed in the situation.
Spike took another quick peep at the pegasus, giving her the ‘you better not spoil this for me’ look that she knew all too well. She nodded back assuredly. No way was she going to ruin this moment. Her curiosity was on the edge of its seat as it was. How this all would ultimately play out, she didn’t know. But she was going to be there to see it. That was already set in stone.
“What could it be? I want to see it right away.” Fleur demanded snappily, radiating an overwhelming aura of preeminence and authority. “Is it a thousand carat diamond? An ancient relic from a long-passed civilization? A magical artifact of omnipotent potential? Show it to me. I will not accept it if you’re lying.”
“If what I’ve stated is truth, will you give me a kiss?” The young drake almost didn’t say it. Almost. But he did. And after the last word had lightly bounced off the tip of his tongue, an ever-increasing spur of pure enthusiasm flooded his neurons. It was a sensation most stimulating and provocative. At this point he was not backing down. Not until he’d obtained the prize in front of his hungry eyes.
It seemed as if time had stopped for everypony present. Fleur and her overprotective mates scoffed in disbelief. Rainbow was having trouble choking down regurgitated cake. And Spike…he was having too much fun to notice he’d been licking at his lips like a dog engulfing a jar of peanut butter. It wasn’t the prettiest sight to behold. Any passerby would have had no idea how to deconstruct such a comical scene.
“You must be kidding.” The supermodel arched an eyebrow, her aura of superiority encroaching upon every facet of land in their surroundings. “I’m not giving you a kiss.”
“Oh, well. I guess nopony will ever see what I had in store.” The young drake had expected such a reaction. He’d covered as many possible answers she could have given him in this particular instance. And as already planned he began retracting his steps, dazzling his audience with masterful acting skills as he feigned complete and utter apathy.
Spike turned his back to the mares, making his way to the bewildered pegasus. He counted down in his head for the signal that was sure to come.
Three.
Two.
One.
“Stop right there!”
Bingo.
He spun right back around, a triumphant smirk plastered on his mug. “Yes, my lady? Did you perhaps have a change of heart?”
The illustrious unicorn sped a hoof through her silky pink mane, maintaining eye contact with the dragon. “I don’t believe you actually have anything of notable worth in that bag. But I admit you have grabbed my interest. I have been surprised before.”
“Do you promise to give me a kiss right after I show you the gift?”
“I will remind you, baby dragon, that a gift is meant to be received unreciprocated. Demanding a kiss in return is a barbaric gesture.” Fleur challenged heatedly.
“A kiss is only but a simple request from a humble dragon. I ask for one kiss. Just one.”
“Fine.”
“Fleur, you’re not actually considering kissing him!” One of her dubious friends cried out.
“Honestly, I’m very tired of all this. Let us part from this scoundrel.” Another agreed just as loudly.
“This is my decision, girls.” Fleur pronounced dominantly, never breaking eye contact with the drake. “You knew the moment I’d stopped you that I’d give in to your bait. Now hurry and show me what’s in that bag.”
‘What the-? How did he-? What is he-? Huh?’ Rainbow Dash was as flabbergasted as Fleur’s gaping bunch of groupies. She would have killed for some popcorn to munch on. Spike’s entire performance had become the most fascinating spectacle she’d ever witnessed. Where had he conjured the audacity to ask for such a thing? If anypony had demanded a kiss from her in return for a gift, she’d have knocked him out with a kick straight to the teeth.
Fortunately she wasn’t the one receiving whatever Spike had in his plastic white bag. She was just a bystander, enjoying the show. And the best part was about to be revealed. The suspense had become too much for her to handle.
“Just show her the thing already!” The eager little pegasus roared.
Spike wanted to retort, but he’d already gotten what he wanted. Half of it, at least. The promise of a kiss is not often handed out by the exclusively renowned Fleur Dis Lee. And upholding a promise is something most beings of high-class status are known to keep. Especially in the presence of witnesses. Their pride and status as influential figures is on the line, after all. If the dashing supermodel were to not back her claim, then she’d have to deal with the repercussions…whatever they were. Spike hadn’t taken into account what he’d do if she did in fact refuse to give him the kiss. Yet up to this point his tactical manipulations had produced a ripening fruit. So for now he was in the clear.
As he reached into the bag and enclosed his fingers on the ‘gift’, he wondered if what he’d done was morally sound. His pondering didn’t last long, however, for he figured he’d already gone too far to go back.
Everypony eyed his hand intently as it climbed its way out of the plastic bag. And in his hand was…
“An egg?! That’s what you’re going to give her?!” Rainbow howled with laughter.
“You, quiet!” Fleur sharply shot a hoof at the chortling pegasus. “It appears to be an average egg, but it may have a special quality about it. What kind of egg is it? Is it the only of its kind? Perhaps the offspring of a rare creature never recorded in history?”
As much as Fleur disliked acknowledging it, she was hoping she was wrong in her assumption that Spike indeed had nothing worth noting in the bag. She adored gifts, as anypony would. The contents of the egg could possibly be a possession unlike no other material in existence. It could be the culmination of an entire magic society’s life work. It could even be a lost piece of art from one of Equestria’s famed historical craftsponies. The absolute rarity of all rarities! The crème de la crème! And it was all for her!
“Nah, it’s just an egg.” Spike spelled out bluntly, dropping his previous bout of formality. “Take a look.” He tightened his clawed grip on the egg, cracking its white shell and letting the pieces fall back into the bag. A golden yellow hard-boiled egg finally rested comfortably in his palm.
“Now then…” He held up the egg for all to gander. The mares’ befuddled expressions amused him. “The contents inside this shell have never been seen before this very instant, right?”
With the flick of his wrist, he tossed the hard-boiled egg into his mouth, swallowing it in one gulp. Rainbow was now rolling on the ground, clutching at her abdomen. The second-class group of mares gasped melodramatically. And Fleur could only stare blankly, evidently dumbstruck by the turn of events.
“And now they can never be seen again.” His patted at his chest and burped. “Ooh, excuse me.”
For a while the only sound that could be heard was the hysterical sniggering of one little pegasus.
“How stupid!” Fleur was not entertained, to state the least. For a split second the usually composed supermodel let slip a sickening leer of deep enmity and aggravation. But only for that split second, because another second later she’d caught herself and kept her lips sealed. She said nothing more as she inched towards the waiting drake. Dropping her neck to face his level, she leaned in quickly and pecked at Spike’s pursed lips.
As soon as Fleur had fulfilled her end of the promise, she and her stupefied little posse turned and began exiting the area.
“You call that a kiss?! You barely even tapped at his lips!” Rainbow bellowed in between fits of snorts and giggles. “Hey, where are you going?! Get back here and give this gentledrake a big wet smooch! Hey, I’m talking to you-!”
“Dash, it’s fine. Let them go. I got my kiss.” Spike massaged his lips with two extended fingers. “I took a major risk with the stunt I just pulled. I think I ended up with the best-case scenario, honestly.”
“As if. The best-case scenario is nowhere near the measly reward you just got.” Rainbow crossed her hooves, watching closely as the group of mares disappeared around the bend of the castle. “Best-case scenario would mean you’d get a kiss from me.”
“There you go again with that.” Spike chuckled. “What, do you want me to give you an egg, too?”
“You didn’t even give her the egg. You just ate it right in front of her!”
“It was delicious, too.” He said, smirking. “You know, I learned something new today. Pretty faces like Fleur aren't as untouchable as they appear."
"With a trick like that up your sleeve, anypony could be touched in all the right ways." She rebounded with a sneer.
He let out a sheepish smile. "Come on, let’s go back inside.”
“What? Why? There’s nothing to do in there, anyway. And dinner’s not for another few hours.” She remarked, hovering beside him as they reached the back entrance of the castle gardens.
“Yeah, I know. We only have a few hours, so we should get going.”
“Hold on. What are you up to now?” Rainbow beamed conspiratorially. “Whatever it is, I’m in.”
Spike bumped a fist with the pegasus’s hoof, sealing the deal. “How many eggs do you think we could carry between the two of us?”
The End?
Author's Note
I enjoyed writing the banter between Spike and Rainbow Dash. Not sure if I want to make this a series where they get themselves into nonsensical situations...but I'm open to the idea. If you 'liked' the story, thanks. Any comments/criticism is appreciated. As a fellow reader/author, I'm sure you were aware of that. :)
