Dear Diary: Sunset Shimmer's Best Friend

Chapters

Prologue) You're My Best Friend
1) Nightmares and Kindness
2) Shimmer of Generosity
4) Loyally Raising the Bar(n)
5) Laughing at the True and Vibrant Colors of Life.
3) Being Honesty, It's Always About Control.

Prologue) You're My Best Friend

Author's Note

This chapter largely covers the events of the first Equestria Girls movie. If reading Sunset's reaction to events you already know doesn't interest you then you might want to skip to the first real chapter here.

Prologue) You're My Best Friend

Day 1 of being a loser

Dear Diary,

I haven't talked to you in a while, and that was a mistake. Today was bad, and I return to you broken, humiliated, and with no future. But I've been given a second chance and I don't want to make the same mistakes. So I'm starting my life off right.

I want to apologize to you first. I'm sorry. By the Holy Sun, I'm sorry, for so many things. I've hurt people, I've hurt my friends, I've ruined everything, and I've got to go to school on Monday. I might have forgotten about you before, and even shoved you under my bed while I let my anger and jealousy ruin things. I'm sorry for that too. I can’t even think about it properly, it’s too painful. I’m an awful person, counter to everything ponies have ever stood for.

Please, I need a friend. I don't know how I'll get through this without at least one friend.

Today was just the worst, but I need to start from the beginning. About two and a half years ago, around the same time I stopped writing in you, I decided to go back to Equestria to see what had been going on, you know, since I left. I found out that The Elements of Harmony, yes those Elements of Harmony, had been found by Princess Celestia's prized pupil. Yes, that prized pupil.

Oh, I was so mad. That's why I didn't talk to you. I was just so angry that I didn't want to think about it and I let it simmer. It crept up slowly, I started lashing out at others. I suffered no insult without an equal or escalated response because I saw that as the most efficient way to get things done my way. At some point I started perceiving insults where there weren’t any.

Actually, now that I’ve been sitting down and evaluating my life, I think I started acting like a jerk long ago. It must have been, what, just after I became Celestia’s student. That sounds right. It’s probably how I lost my relationship with Moonbeam. She was probably the closest living thing I ever had to a friend, back then or sense. One day we were preparing a group research paper and she wanted clarification on the thaumaturgical properties of silvered quartz. At the time I thought she was saying I was wrong because of how she asked the question. Now I realize I had no reason to snap at her.

After that I think I began pushing other ponies away preemptively, convincing myself that I was better than them and that they would only drag me down. I even stopped talking to you so that I wouldn’t have to face my demons. I’m so damned stupid. If I had talked to you then maybe I could have realized what was happening to me. I might have been able to keep my anger and jealousy under control. But now it’s too late.

In the middle of my downward spiral, I found out that the human counterparts to the Elements of Magic were here, in this very school. That's when things went bad for me. All my life I had wanted to find those artifacts, to study that magic. All my life I did my best to be the best and all my life I never quite lived up to my potential. Now there they were, or at least their human selves, standing in front of me and laughing. They didn’t have a care in the world past fluffy critters or the next pointless game.

I was just so jealous that I couldn't stand to see them so happy together. They hadn't dedicated their lives to the Elements like I had. They hadn’t obsessed over them. The ponies that represent the Elements didn’t even try to study them before they manifested. Looking back on it, I guess that was the point, ponies that naturally embodied the Elements without trying; all those years studying and training and I never even could have embodied an element. It felt like they didn’t deserve to have them, like they stole my fillyhood dream. I’d been cheated.

So every time I saw their human counterparts at school I only felt hate. Seeing them sharing their food and during lunches ate at me. Seeing them helping eachother study tore me to pieces. Even seeing them get in the occasional fight with each other didn’t help because I knew, I knew, that they would end up stronger friends for it. Eventually I couldn’t stand it anymore and I drove them apart with tricks and lies. It took a long time, but eventually, by using my influence and "friends," I set them up to hate each other. Oh, how good it felt, to ruin that friendship, the one thing that I can never really have. And yes I know I'm being overdramatic, but it's how I really felt and how I’d probably still feel if I went out and did it again.

The point is that my success invigorated me. I had ruined that which was seemed predestined within Equestria, forever ruining an otherwise inevitable friendship. I felt like nothing could stop me. I thought I was smarter and better than anyone and everyone. I became massively arrogant and in some ways I still feel like I could, and should, be doing all those terrible things again. I’m still jealous of the friendship that others have.

But now I know I was wrong. Splitting up everyone, turning them against each other, it made me feel good, really good. Suddenly I was now looking for my next power high and I didn’t even realize it. All I could think about was that if I could ruin the friendship and harmony that could bring the Elements together, then what else could I do? I came up with a plan. A few days ago, when the portal opened back up, I went back to Equestria and stole the element of magic. I knew I might need a few days to get everything in order, so I used the Fall Formal crown to replace it and buy some time.

Then I had to go and mess it up. As it turns out, not taking my unicorn form for more than a few hours in several years was not quite like riding a bike. I had just managed to get the crown when I tripped and woke Princess Twilight. The crown fell into the portal when Princess Twilight tackled me and came to this world shortly before I made it here myself. By the time I got through, Fluttershy, yes that Fluttershy, had given it back to Principal Celestia and she had it locked up so it wouldn’t be stolen from the display case again. To get it back, I would have to win it in the Fall Formal.

And I would have too, if it wasn't for those... Dear Celestia... l'm a Scooby Doo villain. They even had a nerd, a scaredy cat, a fashionable Barbie, and an honest to the Sun talking dog.

I'm getting off topic now. I swear, television has ruined me. The point was that ~~that bitch~~ (Sorry, that’s not me anymore). Twilight won the crown and I had to steal it. Once I did, I was surprised at how easy it was to corrupt and use. I pretty much instantly turned the entire school into my brainless slave army. Snips and Snails even became my demonic minions.

It turned me into a demonic queen. It still feels kind of hazy, like the feelings I had in that form were stripped from me when the Elements were used on me. Still, I have some inkling of what it meant to be transformed like that. One of the feelings was power. I mean, I knew corrupting the crown would give me power, but the ability to simply and easily crush parts of buildings was beyond even my wildest dreams before I had it. Then when I did, it felt completely natural. Oh, how that power was intoxicating. I loved it. It burned through me and scoured every shred of equinity within me in the most pleasurable, warm, comforting way. It was almost as if I had taken my first bath after years of acquiring unknown masses of dirt, mud, aches, and pains. The dead skin was literally scoured away from me in an instant of perfect warmth that deepened to course through every muscle, relieving them for aches that I never even knew existed. And the horns and wings, when they appeared, it was like I was truly free for the first time. The whole experience was a metamorphosis, very literally like an ugly caterpillar becoming a beautiful butterfly. Even now, as I sit here retelling my downfall, I’m thinking of that feeling. It makes me want to smile, and that terrifies me. I can never give in to it. Never let me give in to it, Diary.

After gaining control of the school I went over to Twilight and her friends. I’d planned on walking over them and into Equestria, corrupting the world with my Element and growing a near-infinite army. At least that was the plan, but Twilight had managed to repair all the damage I had done between those friends in the few days she was here. Apparently she brought the magic of friendship with her through the portal. I don’t mean The Element of Harmony, I mean the magic of friendship that allowed Twilight to summon The Elements in the first place. Maybe bringing the Element of Magic through the portal allowed her to activate its true power.

The point is, Twilight and her five friends summoned a magical rainbow, yes, a real magical rainbow, and my power and hatred and loathing was stripped away from me. It didn’t hurt me physically, but the loss of the power that felt so good mimicked pain in its absence. It revealed and magnified the feelings of helpless and isolation that had been growing in me, driving me, ever since I lost that friendship with Moonbeam. I image that what I felt would have been vaguely similar to the after effects of having one’s horn removed.

That’s why today was the worst day ever, Diary. Not only was I a complete and utter failure, I’ve been there before, but without all the negative emotions shielding me I fully realized the abomination that I became. I wasn’t just a monster, I had destroyed and dominated the minds and trust of almost the entire school. Before that I had already ruined so many friendships, driven so many people apart, and sabotaged projects, hopes, and dreams. Some of the people had been my friends at one point, at least in a small way. A part of me apparently even still cared for Flash.

Speaking of Flash, let’s add one more item to the list of my failures. Before I even went back to Equestria, to steal the crown I had already completely ruined things with Flash. He was one of the few people who had an inkling of the terrible hate that was simmering inside me. Now I’ve ruined any hope of ever patching things up. He can’t even look at me anymore. I don’t blame him. When I first got here, he was the only one who really went out of his way to help me get used to this world. He showed me how to use a guitar when he found out how clumsy I was with my fingers. We even went out a few times, and, he was my first kiss. I didn’t realize how much I liked him then, how grateful I was. In return for his kindness I invaded his mind and tried to use him as a less than common soldier.

But the worst part is that I want to do it all again. The opera of destroying those whom I hate, being victorious over the few who could challenge me, ordering lesser beings around. Those memories I have, they make those choices tantalizing to do again. The power calls to me as much as it terrifies me. It’s like living in a constant nightmare. The pain I inflicted, I feel that now. I can’t stand that feeling.

Surprisingly, Princess Twilight’s pity didn’t even bother me. As much as I hate pity, it paled in comparison to the pain I’m feeling and was, is, actually, slightly comforting. Even false hope is still better than giving up, right? Anyway, she chose to leave me in the care of her friends. Yes, the ones whose friendship I had tried to destroy. Probably not a lot going for me there, but if anyone could help, it would be the physical embodiments of friendship, right?

Who am I kidding? I’ll be lucky if I graduate with anyone willing to talk to me, much less be my friend.

After I was defeated, I was assigned to repair some damage that I’d done to the school. Twilight’s friends helped out, which was unexpected. Maybe there is hope? It’s more likely that they’re just playing along for Twilight’s sake, a favor to their savior and friend. Take one for the team, that’s what friends do for each other right? I don’t know anymore.

Still, that one kind act of forgiveness gives me the false hope that might keep me going for a few days before I need more. I still won’t ever be able to look at myself in the mirror, and I expect the next two years at this school will be hell. But maybe I can make friends again someday. Then I can go on to make up for the stain that dark magic left on my soul.

I still feel that stain, it makes me feel dirty. When I got home tonight I took a shower, turned up the heat until it burned, and scrubbed until I was raw. I might still be red when I go back to school on Monday. Monday, I don’t think the phrase I hate Mondays will ever be enough.

Please stay with me, Diary. I need to hold someone. I need someone to hold me. At least I still have you. I can’t ruin things with you. Maybe, if I hadn’t stopped talking with you, if I had had you to help me work out my problems, then maybe I wouldn’t have ruined everything.

I’ll hide you under the floor while I’m at school, in case someone decides to vandalize my trailer. I don’t want to do it, but you mean too much to me. I can’t risk any more screwups. It’s not like I’ll get a third chance.

I’m going to bed now. Will you join me?

Thank you.

Goodnight, Diary,
-I love you.

1) Nightmares and Kindness

Day 2 of being a complete loser

Dear Diary,

I didn’t sleep last night. I keep having nightmares. I hurt ponies. There’s fire. I can still hear their screams. I danced in the fires burning down the school. I was laughing!

Seriously, WTF is wrong with me. I was laughing. Why would I be laughing? Am I really that messed up? Is there even a point in me trying to be a better pony?

Now I can’t keep my eyes open; transforming yesterday, not sleeping last night, crying, so much crying. It’s too much, but I can’t go to sleep again. I don’t want to laugh while those I’ve already hurt die around me.

The wort part is, even though it was the nightmare that woke me up, I keep thinking about these past few years and it scares me just as much as the idea of sleeping again. I think about every little thing that caused me to slip further and further into darkness. I think about how my arrogance caused me to act as Celestia's student. I keep thinking about how I left Equestria, how Flash Sentry helped me when no one else would. I keep thinking about how I chose to hate the human versions of the Elements of Harmony and how I could so easily go out and mess with them. I think about how good that would feel. I mean, if I was careful I could probably get Applejack to think Rainbow Dash stole some apples while she was out on a run and...

No. I'm not doing this. I'm not hurting anyone else, no matter what! I don't care if it kills me because if I feel like this now I can't imagine how much worse it would be if I hurt someone again.

I thank the Sun that it’s the weekend. I’m going to go curl up in a corner and put on some music. I need to cry some more.

Hold me, Diary?
-I love you, Diary.

Day 3 of being a better pony

Dear Diary,

I fell asleep while crying last night. I must have slept for at least twelve hours. I had more nightmares. At least this time I was the only one suffering. I think I was being consumed by fire but I don’t remember it very well. When I woke up, my trailer, such as it is, had been vandalized. Maybe that’s what woke me up. There was toilet paper everywhere, and someone had spraypainted the front, calling me a freak and a monster. They aren’t wrong. Others had egged my trailer. I guess I must have been sleeping pretty hard. Someone else had left, eww, waste on my front porch. I spent a few hours picking up the toilet paper and the waste. I didn’t have enough garbage bags for all the toilet paper and I wasn’t going to go out for any today so I just left it in a pile in the trash can.

It felt good cleaning. I felt like I was getting what I deserved, serving a sentence. The eggs stained the siding a little, but they hadn’t been there long so it wasn’t too bad. The spray paint wasn’t going to come off easy so I left it for later.

I was hungry enough that I finished off the bread I had. I was out of butter so I used mayonnaise. It was was surprisingly decent, a bit tangy. I didn’t have much else because I hadn’t planned on being in this crappy world past the Fall Formal. Now it’s the only world I have. I wish I hadn’t quit my job either. I doubted the grocery store would take me back. Well, they probably would, but when the customers ran away from me, they’d probably fire me. Even if they didn’t, I wouldn’t want to do that to Mr. Rich. He was always easy to get along with, very business-oriented, but not one to mistreat his workers. While I always did good work, I had taken him a bit for granted. I’d taken as many days off as I could, and when I was in the middle of my downward spiral I had even stolen from him once or twice. He deserves better. Maybe I could be a nighttime stock girl or something.

I don’t know, I just reread that and it doesn’t feel right. Maybe I’ll try to find a job with someone else. I’m tired again and kind of hungry, but not for anything that I have. I’ll think about a new job tomorrow at school. It’s not like I’d be able to pay attention anyway. I don’t know which would be worse, sitting in the back or the front. If I’m in the back, I’ll have to look at all the people I’ve hurt. If I’m in the front, then people will be staring at me. I’ll probably be picked on either way. Maybe I’ll call in sick. Ya, that would probably be for the best. While everyone else is at school, I can go to the store and maybe see what jobs there are in town that wouldn’t require me to interact with customers. Then I can be alone, where I won’t bother anyone and they won’t bother me. I think I’d like that.

Thanks for listening, Diary. Good night.
-I love you

Day 4 of being a better pony

Dear Diary,

If I had gone back to school by myself it would have been bad, really bad, but today was surprisingly good, even... encouraging? I hadn’t set my alarm because I wasn’t planning on going to school. When I heard the knock at my door, I half expected it to be the police, since schools are like way over-protective. Though I guess I haven’t really been the most responsible person.

When I opened the door I was surprised, and a little worried, to find the Elements of Harmony. Pinkie and Applejack were at the door while Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy were surveying the damage to my property. Apparently someone had burned ‘freak’ into the grass and another had taken the toilet paper and other stuff in my trash can and dumped it on top of my mailbox. It had rained too. I was under the impression that it had turned into some sort of competition to see who could do more damage. Some misguided remains of my ego noted that I could do better; super-glue the door shut, put soapy water on the walkway, that sort of thing.

Still, the girls were here. It only took me a moment to get over my surprise and a thought occurred to me. If I had any chance of forgiveness, I needed to start off strong, especially with the ones who saved me. It made me kind of nervous. It also occurred to me that if I got in their good graces somehow then maybe I could get other people to forgive me as well. But that’s the old me. I need to stop trying to use others. And more than their potential value to me, I owed it to them. They deserved to be treated well for helping to rescue me. Actually, now that I think back on it, they probably deserved it more for saving the school from me. I need to remember that it’s not about me anymore.

As I sat there rubbing the sand out of my eyes I realized that I had been wearing the same clothes since Friday, I’d bawled my eyes out, and I hadn’t taken a shower. But Pinkie Pie didn’t seem to mind and gave me a big hug. Which was nice, despite taking me completely off guard. I don’t think I’ve received very many hugs these past few years and as I remember that moment, as awkward as it was, I think I’m actually smiling. Not in a ‘ha ha that was funny’ way, and it’s not even that I’m happy. It’s more, well...

You have to know Pinkie to understand why I’m smiling. I don’t know her very well but even I can tell that she wasn’t treating me any differently that she would anyone else. She was simply Pinkie, and she was treating me the way Pinkie simply treated people. It was, comforting. She wasn’t afraid and she wasn’t angry. It just happened to come with a hug.

After some hellos and me awkwardly inviting them into the trailer, which was way too small for six people, they turned down my offer of coffee and explained that they were here to pick me up for school. I tried to explain that I wasn’t going to go to school today, but they wouldn’t hear it.

I wasn’t quite sure what to make of the situation. On one hand, I deserved to be treated like complete crap. On the other hand here were five girls, who had no reason to be nice to me, offering some small moral support. I wasn’t ready to trust them but I didn’t really have a choice. I hurriedly took a shower and put on some clean clothes. They had come earlier than when I normally would have left for school but not as early as I normally woke up. Still, if they went through the trouble of coming out here to pick me up, then the least I could do was to hurry and keep them from being late.

By the time I had gotten showered, brushed my teeth, and dressed, I was already a few minutes late and we had to hurry if we wanted to make it to class on time. Yet when I opened the door I was stunned. Not only had they waited patiently, but they had made a major dent in the cleaning that would need to be done. The toilet paper and trash had been collected and now filled the trash can (again), someone had moved around patches of dirt and grass so the epithet wasn’t readable, and some of the spray paint had been buffed off. Now I’m an ‘eak’ apparently.

I was completely shocked at the effort these girls had put in, girls who had every right to hate me and do worse to me than had been done already. I had no idea why they did it. They’d taken time and effort out of their day to not only make sure I made it to school safely, but also cleaned up after my yard was wrecked. I couldn’t even manage a thank-you by the time Rainbow Dash had noticed me, grabbed me by the hand, and yanked me into a sprint (a jog for her), complaining about how we were going to be late. After fifteen minutes we made it to school on time. I was out of breath but feeling better than I had in, well, since before I’d left Equestria. I assume the endorphins from running had something to do with it, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that they were honestly trying to be my friends. I’ve had ‘friends’ before of course, but I’ve never had friends that would go out of their way like these girls had.

Of course, that all ended when I looked up and saw a good quarter of the student body staring at me, various degrees of hate met my eyes as if to signal a challenge while others looked away in disgust. Still more students shied away and hurried to class. It took a second for my runner's high to come crashing back down, and all I could do was stare at the faces of those I’d hurt. Someone threw a rotten tomato. I don’t know who would keep a rotten tomato with them at all (yuck). All I know is that suddenly Fluttershy had jumped in front of me and the rotten fruit had completely ruined the nice little outfit that she always wore.

Everyone was taken aback. Fluttershy had not only been the first to react but was now staring down half the school. I had no idea that she had it in her! She started talking in front of everyone, berating them for being as mean to me as I had been to them and that they should know how bad it felt. I wasn’t going to tell her the truth, that what they did paled in comparison and that I had it coming, but it still struck as if I had been hit by a car. Rarity immediately joined in, scolding them for being uncivilized in addition to being mean. The others joined in right after, not as strongly and their voices began to run together, but the show of support from the school heroes had cowed the other students. At least for now.

I didn’t know what to say. Even looking back on it I don’t know what I should have said. I thanked them of course, but I don’t think they heard me because the bell rang. We had to rush to class and I tripped running up the stairs. I think it might have been one of the other students but I can’t be sure. Either way, I will be more careful from now on. Fortunately I didn’t get hurt, because Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash both managed to catch me. I’m not surprised that Rainbow was able to react that fast. She is a sports star after all, and she was right next to me. What surprised me was that Pinkie, who was in front of me, spun and caught me just as fast as Rainbow had. I tried to thank her, but she said not to worry and that her ‘Pinkie sense’ will help keep me safe. Whatever a ‘Pinkie sense’ is.

After the stair incident, I think the girls decided that I might actually be in danger. They didn’t say anything, but it was hard not to notice them making a circle with me in the middle. Class was the same way. I had Pinkie and Applejack in my chemistry class. They had me sit in the front corner of the class, by the teacher’s desk. I wasn’t sure if that was a smart idea, but with Applejack and Pinkie at the same table it felt a lot better. I think a few people tried to throw stuff at me, because every once in a while Pinkie’s arm would shoot out behind me and I’d hear something smack against it. Then she’d turned to Applejack and said something that AJ would write down on an extra piece of paper.

I asked them about it at the end of class and AJ explained that they were taking down names to keep track of the students who were trying to bully me. Apparently it was Rarity’s idea. They might talk to them later if it continues, but they want to see if the bullying will die down on its own. I tried to explain that they didn’t need to do that, that I deserved what I got, but they wouldn’t have any of it. They said that no one deserved to be treated like that and until I was able to make amends, they would do their best to make it easier for me. I tried to ask why they were going that far for me, of all people, but the bell rang indicating two minutes to class (I’m really starting to hate that school bell). AJ and Pinkie ran off to their other class at the same time Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy showed up, asking if I’d walk to PE with them. I wasn’t going to say no, partially out of fear and partially because I found that I actually liked the idea of walking with them.

I know, it seems weird to me too, Diary.

I asked Rainbow and Fluttershy about why they were all putting in so much effort. You know what they said to me? They said that Twilight had talked to them at the dance while I was repairing the damage I had done to the school. Twilight had apparently told them how hard it was for her to first make friends with their Equestrian doppelgangers. She also explained that while she had Spike as a friend along with a big brother while growing up, I didn’t have anyone close, just my studies and ambition. It’s true but I never thought about that before. Maybe if I had had a pet in Canterlot, or a good friend, I wouldn't have gone down such a regrettable path.

Those thoughts occupied my mind while I changed my clothes for PE. I should probably preface talking about PE by saying that originally we were supposed to have gymnastics this week with Professor Snowflake (still can’t believe you can be a professor of Physical Education), but after I became an eldritch horror, Snowflake had to take a few personal days off. This meant that Mr. Iron Will was covering and had to combine both classes. So instead of gymnastics, we played a giant game of dodgeball. That idea was about as good as it sounded.

Fortunately Rainbow Dash was the captain of one of the teams and picked Fluttershy and me first. Still, with almost thirty students trying to kill me, it didn’t go over well. I tried to hide in the back, but as soon as that whistle blew, my team didn’t even try to go for the balls. They halfheartedly jogged and then turned to the side to give the other team a clear shot of throwing everything they had at me. Honestly it wouldn’t have been a bad plan to win but I doubt that was what they were thinking.

Rainbow charged in, of course, and being the fastest thing I’ve ever seen on two legs, she reached the balls before anyone else had made it halfway. She managed to dive and pop two balls into the air, hitting two opponents in the legs, tripping them into the people around them. Then she dove to the side, where she flicked another ball, hitting a third person in the arm. She still managed to grab a fourth and fifth ball, flicking one to me and holding the other to herself to block with as she backed up.

By the time I caught the ball, however, the other team had managed to get the other five balls and were recovering the ones that Rainbow had hit them with. I would have been out if it hadn’t been for Rainbow. She jumped in front of me and deflected ball after ball with the one she held in her hands. I never really appreciated just how much of a star athlete she was until my safety was in her hands. One of the balls popped into the air, prompting Rainbow Dash to yell ‘falling bunny.’

Now, ‘falling bunny,’ to me, meant absolutely nothing, but apparently these were magic words to Fluttershy. Fluttershy went from hiding in the corner to diving and catching the ball that Rainbow had just bounced in the air. This meant that of the thirty people on both teams we still had all thirty and the other team was down four. Sadly the rest of our team still wasn’t interested in helping, so it was effectively three against twenty six. Fortunately we worked well together. Rainbow stood in front with me behind her and off to the side. Rainbow blocked most of the attacks and I, not one to stand aside while someone defended my honor, covered a few others. Every once in a while, a ball would pop up and one of us would call out falling bunny and then Fluttershy would catch the ball and retreat behind us, passing it off to Rainbow Dash as she pegged someone on the other team.

The crazy thing was, we won. The crazier thing was, it was friendship that let us win and that friendship, that teamwork, made that win feel so much more rewarding. Three against thirty, regular Equestrian Spartans against the Arabian Herd; only with less death. And afterwards, Mr. Will gave us extra credit while giving the other students on our team a zero for the day. The really weird part was that he said he was proud of ‘you three’. ‘You three’, as in three friends. It made me a little suspicious, almost like it had been planned.

I asked Rainbow and Fluttershy about it afterwards. Rainbow gave Fluttershy an odd look and then Fluttershy sighed, saying that they weren’t going to hide anything from me and admitted to talking to Mr. Will about it. They knew the classes were going to be combined because Pinkie Pie told them. No idea how she knew, but I was suddenly glad I had my new pink party-obsessed friend. I guess I’m thankful for all my new friends. Twilight stopping my insanity may have been the best thing to ever happen to me.

During lunch Applejack brought some extra for me. I hadn’t been eating much for the past few days, and I’d skipped breakfast, so to me it was the best-tasting meal I had ever had. It even surpassed the meals I had at the palace with Princess Celestia. Apparently everything Applejack made came from stuff they produce on her family's farm. She told me a little bit about farm life, which is something I never really thought much about. While she probably could have gone on for hours or days, she kept it short and simple, which was appreciated and actually left me feeling happy about the conversation. I mean, she was sharing something personal with me, ME, of all people. I know it might not seem like it to most people, but in a way it felt like she was trusting me, including me. It was idle gossip, sure, but unless I was trying to get someone to do something for me in the past I never really did that kind of thing. It put me at ease, at least a bit. I’m thinking about asking for a tour of her farm sometime, but I wouldn’t want to impose.

Nothing else worth mentioning happened at school today. I had my head in the clouds, thinking about life and what kind of job I could apply for. After school I went to the grocery store and picked up some food and extra cleaning supplies.

While I was in the store I ran into Mr. Rich. I tried asking for my job back but apparently he had heard about what happened and refused to even consider hiring me again. “Bad for business,” he said, though I noticed that he still rang me up with my employee discount. I was surprisingly not too upset. A week ago I wouldn’t have stood for being rejected, but I’m a better pony now. A better person, actually, since it looks like I’m going to be here for a while. Anyway, I picked up a paper in the hopes of finding some sort of job opportunity and went home.

When I got home it was about as bad as I expected. No windows were broken, but there were several trash bags that had been emptied on my lawn. I think I’ll continue keeping you under the floorboards for now. No telling what people would do with my Diary, Diary.

You mean a lot to me, Diary. I know I have some new friends, but you will always be mine, my secret best friend. I don’t have to worry about you like I do others. Don’t get me wrong, I love my new friends. In some ways today has been one of the best I’ve ever had, right up there with becoming Princess Celestia’s prized pupil, and that’s the problem.

I lost Celestia’s blessing. I wasn’t able to help her in the way she needed, fulfil the role that caused her to choose me. I’ve lost the best thing that has ever happened to me before and I’m worried that I’ll lose these new friends too.

But I don’t have to worry about you, Diary. I don’t have to worry about you judging me; if I screw up, I can just cross out my mistakes. You let me be me without fear. I can’t do that with the girls. Every once in a while I say something that comes out wrong and I worry that they will realize what’s going on in my head. Sometimes it’s the call of power and other times it’s the fear of losing them. Either way I can’t express myself honestly.

That hurts too. They have been so kind to me, so generous. It’s kind of ironic, now that I think about it. They’re kind and generous, honest and loyal, and they make me laugh. They really do represent their elements. And here I am. The only kind of laughing I do is out of awkwardness or because I’m supposed to in the context, I’m loyal only really to myself and you, I can’t tell anyone other than you anything honestly out of fear, I don’t have the means to be generous, and I’m too self-centered to be kind.

~~Maybe I should just~~

Maybe Twilight was right. Maybe her friends can help me. They’ve already been helping me. It might take me a while to open up, but I’ll try. And you’re going to help me, Diary. You already have in a way. With you I’ve been honest. I’ve laughed at things that I never would have. You’ve grounded me. Maybe I won’t be such a disappointment to my new friends like I was with Celestia. I want to be there for them, and I want them to help me. Maybe if I let them help me, if I ask them for help like I should have with Celestia, then I will be able to live happily and make up for the damage I’ve caused.

Thank you, Diary. Good night.
-I love you.

2) Shimmer of Generosity

Hey, Diary,

So, someone threw a brick through my window and shattered it. I think it might have been Snips and Snails. I heard their laughter after the brick woke me up. I called the cops as soon as I realized what had happened. Though, now that I think about it there really wasn’t a point to doing that. They were leaving, I was safe, and it’s not like I was going to turn in Snips and Snails. They’re probably suffering worse than I am. I guess I was just scared. I’d been having a dream where the school turned me into a pony and rode me around through flaming hoops while hitting me with switches. The school has to be treating them as bad as me and they don’t have anyone helping them. I wonder if they have nightmares too.

The policewoman that responded said they’d look into it but didn’t sound hopeful unless someone came forward. Since that’s not going to happen it means they’re safe.

I think I’ll try and talk to Snips and Snails tomorrow. I owe them an apology and I know they could use some help with their homework. Actually, I think I’ll set my alarm early tomorrow and make some cookies for everyone: Snips, Snails, and the girls.

Heh, everyone. Me making cookies. I think Pinkie Pie and Rarity would approve.

I feel better now. Would you sleep with me tonight, Diary?

Thank you,
-I love you.

Day 5 of being a better pony

Dear Diary,

Hey, Diary. Today was okay. It was a day about the little things. I did manage to get up early and make cookies, cleaning the new pile of trash off the yard while they baked. I made enough for everyone, the girls and my former lackies. I hadn’t made cookies since I was a kid so it was kind of nostalgic, though not being able to use magic kind of mitigated it. Being magicless still surprises me sometimes. Not that I let that stop me from licking the beaters. I know I’m not supposed to but come on, they’re cookies and I wanted to feel like a kid for a few moments.

I left a note on my door for the girls saying I’d meet them at school with a thank you gift. I used a few plastic bags to take the cookies. I left the ones for Snips and Snails on Snips’ porch with an apology note. I figured they wouldn’t want to see me and I didn’t know how I’d actually apologise. The note just said ‘I’m sorry for everything that’s happened to you because of me. I hope you like the cookies. If you need help with homework it would be the least I could do as both a thank you and to help make up for the damage I’ve caused.’

It occurred to me as I was walking to school that they might not eat the cookies. There’s a chance that they might think they were poisoned. They never were very bright, and I kind of maybe always led them through fear.

I hid around the corner from school until right before the bell rang, no reason to provoke the students. When I came around, the girls were just arriving. I saw them first and called out. It felt good because they seemed relieved to see me. Pinkie explained that they got really worried when they saw the broken window and didn’t know if it happened before or after I left. Apparently Rarity had noticed that the glass inside had been cleaned up, but they still felt uneasy. I guess Rarity has a knack for details. No wonder her clothing always looks so professional.

They all loved the cookies. They weren’t great, the cookies that is, but as far as cookies go decent cookies are still good. Pinkie happened to have some milk cartons on her, so that was nice, if a bit confusing. I mean, why carry around 6 cartons of milk? I didn’t bother to ask; things with Pinkie seem easier if I just let them be.

Classes were mostly uneventful, which I was grateful for. I managed to fall asleep in history because, well, it’s the history of an alien planet. It sounds like it should be really interesting now that I wrote it but let me assure you that learning about a different species’s politics and history of war is not something ponies are generally interested in. Maybe Twilight would be, but not me.

After lunch I bumped into Flash, literally. It was quite awkward, but I managed to compliment him on having seen through my facade when I was, you know, evil and stuff; it was tied in with an analogy somewhere, but as I said, awkward. He blew it off with a bad joke about how we’ve always had those days, but I knew he wasn’t happy to see me. In fact I haven't seen him at all since Friday. I guess he’s been avoiding me.

Sad, isn’t it? He was the one human I really looked up to when I first came here and he can still make me laugh, no matter how bad his jokes are, but he can’t stand me more than ever. Meanwhile I would give anything for him to just hold me one last time. That’s a harsh realization. I guess things have just been so hectic lately that I never noticed how much I missed him until he was standing in front of me. Now that I think about when I was with him, I wasn’t a complete bitch until after we split up. Maybe he was somehow keeping me from completely going over to the dark side. Maybe part of our relationship was actually built on friendship.

That’s a sobering thought.

Oh well, I’m going to go eat some chocolate ice cream now and read a trashy romance.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I just re-read that line and now I feel pathetic. I used to command some of the most powerful magic known to ponykind AND the infernal power of being a demoness. But now I am consoling myself with chocolate ice cream because a boy doesn’t like me.

Well, I’m off to make it a quart. Dammit all to hell.

Goodnight, Diary,

Day 7 of being a complete screwup

Dear Diary,

Hey, Diary. Yesterday was bad. You might have noticed that I didn’t make any entries and ~~there’s a good.~~ ~~There~~

~~Applejack,~~

~~she~~

I think I need to start from the beginning.

I started setting my alarm early so I can clean all the trash and debris off the lawn. But yesterday there wasn’t any. ~~Instead those.~~ Instead it was Snips and Snails and a few guys from the football team with some girls. They were waiting behind my trailer and when I stepped out, they jumped me. They told me never to come to school again.

And...

They beat me up pretty bad. I mean, I’ll be fine. I don’t mean to worry you, Diary, it’s just that. Well. I was hit in the head a few times, so it’s all kind of a blur. I remember being hit in the face; one of them broke my left hand, giving me a hairline fracture by stomping on it. One of them, I don’t know who, threw a cup of lemon juice in my face and they cut off a bunch of my hair and shoved it in my mouth. They also kicked me a bunch when I was on the ground. They told me that if they ever see me at school again that I wouldn’t get a second chance to leave town. Then they just left.

I just laid there. I couldn’t really move that well and I didn’t want to. I just cried on the lawn until I fell asleep, I think. I mean, it’s not more than I deserved. They only broke my body but bodies can heal. I remember when I was a kid and Princess Celestia showed me how her pet phoenix would die and turn to dust only to be reborn from the ashes, larger and more majestic than ever. The body doesn’t matter, my body doesn’t matter. But the soul, the soul is something that I had never seen broken until I took theirs. Even as they beat me all I could remember was the euphoria I felt when I ripped their souls from their bodies and consumed them, leaving the bodies as a vessel for my essence.

I felt that power again when they started hitting me. It was calling out to me and I tried to reach out for it out of fear, but it was empty power. I don’t know if it was a shadow from the past, a memory, or something worse. One thing is for sure, I can never return to Equestria. If I go back, and I give into that power again, I don’t think I’d be me anymore. In that moment I felt a tug toward Equestria. It might have been in my mind but I can’t be sure. It felt so real. If I did go back, I fear I’d be an even worse monster than I was at the school.

That’s why I couldn’t defend myself, not that I would have been able to do much. I wanted to hurt them, to make them bow down and beg for more punishment. But when the power wasn’t there, when I realized what I was trying to do, I died a bit inside.

I didn’t fight them. It kept me sane and gave me something to focus on rather than how pathetic I felt. When they left I cried because a part of me was still reaching for that power. I hate myself for that. I don’t know how long I lay there. I simply slipped between focusing on the pain and defeatedly reaching for the power to hurt those who hurt me.

Then the girls came. They must have seen the others leave because they got there early, I think. As soon as I felt someone touching me, I thought it was the gang coming back for more. I was torn between wanting them to and fear that they would.

Then I realized it was the girls. At first I was stunned that someone actually cared enough to help, but that confused thought was quickly replaced because they had helped me before. But I didn’t want them to see me hurt, and in my daze I worried that they might even be able to tell that I had been reaching for that dark ethereal power. It took a moment, but those thoughts passed, and I was surprised to find that them being there for me helped me stop clawing for revenge.

Even now, hours after that experience, I find it strange how much life’s circumstances can change in a week. This group of girls whom I wanted to crush, whom I enjoyed splitting apart, had worked their way into my mind and my heart and now I found their presence calming. Even remembering how they cared and worried about me brings me a small amount of comfort.

Actually, part of that might be the painkillers.

The first person that I really noticed was Fluttershy. She washed my eyes out with some bottled water. I was pretty out of it, but I think Rainbow Dash held me down to keep me from moving and AJ tore up her shirt to stop some bleeding. Pinkie gave me a hug, bless Pinkie, and Rarity called an ambulance and the police. I think I kept trying to say I was fine, but it just came out as me mumbling from shock.

The ambulance took me to the hospital and did a good job of patching me up even though I didn’t have insurance. The only ‘major’ injury was the fracture in my hand. They wanted me to use a brace for a few weeks. When the cops tried to interview me, I lied. I said I didn’t know who did it because, well, I didn't think that they deserved to be punished. If anything I think I had it coming to me, doubly so because I had been feeling so good the past few days after being such a bad person.

All the girls were appalled at my decision. I think they would have yelled at me until I gave in if it wasn’t for the doctors shooing them out immediately. But if they had known anything about the sins that I committed, then they probably would have beaten me the rest of the way to death. It made me want to tell them, but I couldn’t do that to them after they’d been so generous.

It was Fluttershy, of all people, who almost got me to talk. She said that if it was any of them that were hurt that she knew I would want to catch the bullies. She was completely right, and I knew how much it would hurt if I was standing there looking at Fluttershy, or Rarity, or any of the other girls in a hospital bed. It would have made me so mad that I would probably reach for that power. I felt it calling to me as she talked.

But I didn’t tell the police. The kids who assaulted me hadn’t done anything that I hadn’t done worse to them, and when the police left I explained that to the girls. They were really mad at me and it made me feel just horrid for thinking that way and making them feel bad. They didn’t get that I couldn’t hurt others anymore because of my mistakes. I can’t make anyone else suffer for me, even if it’s punishment. The girls don’t understand that. They don’t get it. But eventually they said they’d give it some time to try and see it my way.

The worst part is, that not where it ended.

Today, Friday, the girls came by to bring me my school work and asked if I needed anything from the trailer. I almost said no, I was almost strong enough to say I was fine. But I needed you, Diary. I needed to tell you how I felt and what was going on so that at least someone would understand. I asked for a few clothes and I asked Applejack to get you from under the floorboard. I probably should have asked Rainbow Dash — she’s the element of loyalty after all — but I was worried that she might tell someone on accident. AJ’s loyal, and she’s smart, smarter than the others give her credit for, and she’s used to a little sister trying to pry secrets out of her.

She was walking back to the hospital alone. The other girls had gone with her to the trailer to help clean up, but split up when they were done. The same group that attacked me, or part of it anyway, jumped AJ on the way to the hospital. She ran from them, but they caught her a few blocks away. While she put up a fight, she was pretty beat up when they brought her in. Apparently, an ambulance saw the fight while headed to the hospital and managed to scare them off with sirens and their speaker system. She came in with the ambulance, still holding my things.

She didn’t let anyone touch my stuff, neither the jerks nor the hospital staff, even when she was being stitched up. She’ll be fine. No broken bones, only a couple cuts and bruises, but she is pissed. When the police came in to question her, she gave every name and could tell them where she punched each and every one of them. I sounded like she had hurt them more than than they hurt her. She made sure they questioned her while in my room. She wanted to make a point. I guess she did. I had caused more pain and suffering because of more mistakes. If I had just told the police who attacked me in the first place all this could have been avoided.

I hate this. Sleeping seven feet away from me is someone who fought off a gang to protect you, Diary. She knew how important you were to me and she could have been seriously hurt helping us. It’s all my fault, if I had just told the police...

Screw it. I have the investigating officer’s number. I’m calling her tomorrow to name every one of the bastards who attacked me. It’s one thing to hurt me when I deserve it, but it’s another to hurt my friends, especially when they are just trying to help. I’ve let this get way out of control. I need a plan. I thought I could just ride it out, but seeing AJ with stitches in her face. I can’t see something like that again. Tomorrow I’m coming up with a plan to stop this.

Goodnight, Diary.
-I love you, and I promise that I won’t ever let anyone hurt you or my other friends again. I’ll do my best to always be here for all of you.

4) Loyally Raising the Bar(n)

Day 9 of being a better person

Dear Diary,

Today was, quite honestly, the best day of my life. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of mundane things happened, but I think I made a big leap forward in being a better person. I’m a real friend now. I think I felt mutual love for the first time.

Not kissy or familiar love. This is something I didn’t know about.

It all started out pretty normally, though trying not to use my injured hand was a bit annoying. I woke up in the morning, made myself some tea and decided to read over the past few days. As I read you, I realized something. I’d gone from labeling my days from ‘of being a better pony’ to ‘of being a better person.’ It might not mean a lot to you, but I’ve been trying to think of myself as more of a person rather than a unicorn, or even a pony, for about a week now. Being stuck here, on Earth, it’s different, but it’s where I belong now. I’m finally thinking of myself as the same as everyone else here. It’s a big step. It makes it easier, and looking back on it it’s probably helped me connect with my friends.

After I read you, Diary, I opened yesterday’s paper to search for some potential jobs. I figured that I’m good at selling things, and at organizing, so I should focus on jobs that would need those skills. There were a few ads looking for people to canvas for charity donations and one place that sold cell phones was looking for a sales associate. I figured that those were probably going to be my best bets, but I also prepared a resume for a smoothie shop and a pet groomer because, well, when one wants a job that’s what one needs to do.

It’s the weekend and I hadn’t planned on seeing the girls, so I was surprised to see Fluttershy and Rarity coming down the street as I walked out. Apparently they wanted to see if I was interested in helping the Apple family raise a new barn. Of course I felt absolutely terrible that AJ had been hurt, but with a bad hand I wasn’t sure that I would be much help. It was Rarity who assured me that I would be able to help even if it was just with preparing and serving refreshments. They also needed a spotter, something Rarity wasn’t familiar with, but AJ had apparently assured her that I could do it without using one of my hands.

It sounded like a great idea. I was eager to help the Apple family, after all AJ had gone through, and felt honored that she’d trust me with something so important. It also sounded like fun. Something new for me to experience with my new friends. I agreed, with a big grin on my face, and planned to meet at AJ’s a few hours later. It also sounded interesting. I’d heard of barn raising before, but the idea of getting a building built in a single day sounded challenging.

Regrettably, I had to let Rarity and Fluttershy know that I might be a bit late late because I needed to apply to a few jobs around town. They understood, and Rarity texted Applejack while Fluttershy began asking what kind of jobs I was looking for. I went over the short list and she offered to put in a good word with the pet groomer. Apparently, while she didn’t work there all the time, they would call her if an employee wasn’t able to make it in or they were having an exceptionally busy day.

Pet grooming wasn’t my first choice, and I said as much, but I was honored that she’d be willing to vouch for me. I let her know that too. It also occurred to me that if I got to work with Fluttershy some, then maybe it would be a bit more fun. And let’s face it, if I can find a job that’s sometimes fun it’ll be a huge bonus.

By the time we were done, Rarity was done texting. She realized that she didn’t have my number and I explained that my phone had been broken when I’d gotten attacked the other day. I said I’d get her number when I got a new phone. To my surprise, Rarity offered to give me one of her old ones. Apparently, and somewhat unsurprising in retrospect, she had been keeping up on the most fashionable phones and had two old ones that she kept in case hers broke.

It was very kind of her and I couldn’t say no. While I hated thinking of myself as a charity case I think I’ve grown more accustomed to receiving help from others over the past week. Plus, it does help me stay in contact with the girls. I even got a text message from Pinkie who wished me the happiest, most awesomest dreams before I started writing, Diary.

Corny? Yes. But it’s nice smiling before writing and going to bed. I don’t think I’ve done that in a long time. Friends really are special.

Back to my day, Fluttershy and Rarity didn’t have anything to do until the barn raising, and Rarity had to stop by her house to get me her old phone, so they joined me for my errands. We talked about school and classes, something I’ve been neglecting, and we ended up talking about some of the work that we were having trouble with. It was… normal. I think normal is the right word. Whatever it was, it felt good being able to help friends who were a bit lost on a subject and hearing different points of view on history, even if I didn’t care about human history that much.

We stopped by the charity jobs first. I figured if I could, I’d rather do some good to make up for my past impact on the world (two worlds?). Two of the charities said they didn’t accept minors, and the third had already filled the position. It was a bit of a letdown, but the one that turned me away said I should try again in a few weeks when they had more openings.

We stopped by Rarity’s to get the phone before going to the phone store, Verdant Horizons. They put my application in a drawer with a dozen others. No questions, no interest, but the manager did ask if Rarity was applying as well. He had the creepiest grin. To her credit Rarity managed to tastefully turn the manager’s less-than-pure interest into a quick and speedy number change for her old phone, which then also got transferred over to my plan.

After we left, we both decided that that job would be at the bottom of the list. Rarity had to go to the barn raising, but Fluttershy offered to stay with me and give the dog groomer her recommendation. I insisted that she go help with the barn raising, but she said she wasn’t all that comfortable moving heavy things around. I think she also wanted to make sure I got at least one job offer.

We stopped by the smoothie place because it was close by and on the way. I also felt like having some extra energy might be good for a barn raising. Unfortunately, it was packed when we got there. Still, the manager, a nice older lady, said she liked me and would call me back for an interview. She even gave me a free smoothie, apples and oranges, before I left. I split the smoothie with Fluttershy. We agreed it would probably be a nice, if busy, place to work. It might also earn me a little extra in tips, though it also occurred to us that I might not get any from the schoolkids.

Now, in regards to the groomers, I’ve never been the biggest fan of pets. I mean, I like them, they’ve just always been more work than reward in my opinion. But when I opened that door, I saw the cutest little chinchilla. Seriously, I actually felt the need to squee. It was totally unexpected. I don’t think I’ve felt like that since I was a filly. I must have had the biggest blush. Then Fluttershy came over and began talking to it in the dumbest baby voices. The best part was how the chinchilla ate it up. Ooooooh, if working there means I get to see cute little pets like that, I think things would work out just fine.

Fluttershy and I managed to pull ourselves together and find the manager, a large black-skinned man in his thirties named Darien. Apparently he and Fluttershy were on pet name basis (pun entirely intended), Darien calling out to ‘Shy’ before she could call out to ‘Dari.’ It was cute, especially how Fluttershy hid her blush behind her bangs. Fluttershy explained that I was there for the the job and he looked over my resume. I didn't have anything specific about animals, but he did like my joke about how they don’t run away from me in terror.

After a quick interview, he offered to see how I handled a labrador that would be coming in in a half an hour. He understood that I wouldn’t be able to actually groom pets for a week or two because of my hand, but he just wanted to see how I handled the dog since he was a bit energetic and unruly.

I couldn’t miss this opportunity; if I could get a dog to behave, then it looked like I had a guaranteed job. I told Fluttershy to go on ahead to the barn raising and that I’d catch up. She wished me luck and popped out before sticking her head back in to remind me that if anything happened like the other day, with the attack, then I should use the phone. It caught me off guard, and I felt a bit betrayed.

I fully realize I had no reason to feel that way. I just, I don’t know. I felt like her recommendation was given out of a sense of friendship and wanting me to be happy. It’s probably true. It’s just. ~~Ehhhhh~~ I guess when her kindness got paired with the attack, and Applejack getting hurt, I felt weird. I was suddenly bothered by being weak and unable to defend myself. I tried not to let it show, but I think she realized she’d said something wrong. She hadn’t, but I’d reacted weird. She looked at me like I had confused her and then placed an arm on my shoulder like she was apologizing or something. I said I would be safe and that I’d use my new phone it if I needed it, which is partially true. But then I turned around, running from the weird mix of helplessness, thankfulness, and anger that I felt.

While we waited, Darien showed me around and explained what the job would entail. I would still need some hands-on training for the best ways to wash and handle animals but everything seemed simple enough. The lab ended up being a half-hour late and no other pet owners came in; apparently it was a slow day. I was just getting ready to ask if I could come in another time so I could help AJ with the barn raising when the dog arrived.

It was a pure black lab, one of the ones that was so happy and energetic it could hit its own head with its tail. As soon as he entered the shop, he booked it to me and began jumping up onto my chest to kiss my face. I was so startled that I yelled at it to ‘stop’ before it knocked me over. To my great surprise it did, in fact, stop jumping on me. But when I looked down, the poor thing didn’t know what to do; it was looking at me with a sad and confused face and its tail was still wagging excessively. It was just so happy to see a new person and at the same time scared that it had done something wrong.

I held my good hand down for it to sniff and lick as I told it how good he was for stopping. Oh, he loved that, and he proceeded to lick me until I was sure he was taking skin off.

I faintly reminded of when I had made Snips and Snails pledge their loyalty to me, back when I was feeding my darker impulses. They’d bowed before me and kissed my outstretched hand, the same hand the dog was now licking. They kissed it and pledged their loyalty to me for all of time.

Boys can be so dramatic. Dogs just don’t know any better.

Still, it was a memory that I would have rather forgotten in my new life. Somehow, I think the dog realized I was feeling weird and whined at me. I patted him on the head and gave him a kiss before telling him ‘good boy’ again and telling him to sit in a commanding voice. He did, and I got the job, eight hours every weekend during the day and four hours Mondays and Thursdays after school. I’d even get to switch with other employees if we could agree on a time.

I sound a little bland there, don’t I? I won’t lie, I don’t really know how to think about it. On one hand, it’s a job, a decent job, and the people seem nice and there will be lots of cute, innocent pets to work with. On the other, it felt a little too natural commanding that dog. I felt, well, a little bit like my old self. Not the me before I went all crazy evil, I mean a bit like I was when I took my first few steps down that dark, spiraling staircase.

Maybe, maybe I should talk to Fluttershy about it. She’s worked with a lot of animals and would know what it might mean about me and what I can do. Though, maybe I’m overreacting. I gave myself some time to think on it and I still don’t know if I should ask Fluttershy for help. If I haven’t made a decision by the time I get to school tomorrow I guess I’ll have to ask her. Better safe than sorry.

The manager gave me some paperwork to fill out and I left for the barn raising. I hadn’t been out to Applejack’s before, and I took the bus to save some time. Even with the bus, it was a fifteen-minute walk up the property. I wonder how early the Apples have to get up to make the bus. Don’t they also do a bunch of farm chores in the morning, too? I’m sure I heard Applejack mentioning something about it.

On the way up, I heard some pretty decent country singing, though I couldn’t make out the words until I came around the last bend. When I did, dozens of people were just finishing their song about being friends and family of the Apples as they put on the last bits of paint. It… looked good. Everyone seemed to be having a good time too. I was, am, kind of sad I missed it. I mean, building a barn doesn’t exactly sound like my go-to weekend activity, but working together with everyone, my new friends, singing new songs, it sounded interesting, fun. It sounded like I should have been there, but I wasn’t and that really seemed to bother me. I’d even broken a promise to be there.

Oh, everyone was happy to see me, of course, and excited to know if I got the job. AJ even offered to make a celebratory apple pie. Didn’t that just make me feel great. She’d gotten hurt because of me, I’d shown up late to help her out, then she offers to make me a pie. I’d pretty much convinced myself that I was a pretty lousy friend, so I politely declined the pie and offered to help with some chores and the cleanup. Apparently, I can’t do that right either because they wouldn’t hear of it.

That’s when I did something that I really didn’t want to do. While everyone was enjoying some food and drink, I asked to talk to Applejack on the side. She didn’t mind, but I could tell that I was making her uncomfortable. It took me a moment but, away from the others, I was able to tell her how sorry I was that I hadn’t made it to the barn raising.

Applejack didn’t get it. She tried to say that she understood, that I had important things to do, that the barn was raised just fine without me. That last point, though, that was part of what bothered me. I broke down there, behind one of the thousands of apple trees that I couldn’t tell apart. I just fell to my knees and cried in front of her.

She was probably confused, hell, I know I was, but she got down on her knees with me and put an arm around my shoulder. It didn’t take me long to get myself under control, but it was still embarrassing. I took a big breath and let her know that I really, truly, from the bottom of my heart, valued her friendship and the kindness she had shown me.

She just listened intently as I explained how bad I felt that she had been hurt. I’d tried to tell her before but I hadn’t let my heart show that I meant it, substituting honesty with politeness. Unable to hold back, I continued to tell her about how I occasionally glimpse the dark path that I traveled before and how I feared turning back into a monster.

I think she got it this time. She pulled me in close. That’s when I told her how much I had wanted to make the barn raising when I found out about it. I didn’t even realize it at the time, but it was a way for me to make amends for more than just her getting hurt. It was a way for me to show just how much I wanted friends and was willing to work for them. It was the only way I could see to help ensure her friendship. It might have been narrow-sighted, and there were probably more ways, but I had failed to help in the one way I really knew how when presented with the opportunity.

You know what she did then? She ruffled my hair. It was sisterly, I think? It felt, well, I don’t really know how it felt, accepted maybe. The thing that hair-ruffling did though was completely throw me off. I didn’t know how to react. I just ended up sitting there, listening to her as she held me and explained things to me that I doubt I could have ever figured out.

Applejack explained that being hurt once, missing a barn raising, or being unable to help with a single favor didn’t matter. Apparently she had learned that the hard way in the past; she’d driven herself way too hard trying to help others while she neglected herself, even refusing help. I had tried to make it to the barn raising, honestly tried, and she could see that and that’s what mattered. She was happier that I had a job, that I wouldn’t end up homeless, than if I had shown up to help her.

Applejack explained that that’s the thing about being friends. You aren’t always able to be there for each other, and sometimes you might even hurt each other. But honestly working together, trying to be there for each other, doing nice things, and even just having fun. That’s what friendship is about. It’s the journey as much as the destination.

If it was really that big of a deal to me that I help her, that I show my appreciation through my actions, then AJ said that I should arrange to come by sometime. They’d love to have some help on the farm and, in return, I’d stay for some farm-fresh Apple Family home cooking, complete with pie and hanging out when she would otherwise be doing chores.

I think that was the first time I really felt something between us. A close, personal bond. I cared for AJ, not just because she could help me, not just because we were trying to be friends. I cared for her because I cared about her happiness, just like she cared about mine. And maybe we would fight sometime in the future, maybe we wouldn’t always be together. But if we ever have problems between us, or are separated, I feel like I could always come back to her and talk to her honestly as a friend. I could let it all out without fearing like I’d be driving her away.

It didn’t sink in at the time but, I love Applejack. I mean I love her like a friend. In fact, she’s probably the most important person to me. Being able to admit that to myself, allowing me to feel that way, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so good.

And now that I think about it, I have four other girls, each so very different from each other but so kind, so honest, so funny, and so loyal, each offering me the same kind of friendship. Each offered its own unique twists and turns and surprises. I can’t even grasp the possibilities and, in a way, I’ve been thinking about it for days. I feel like the world is open to me now, it’s not just me, Sunset Shimmer. I’m a part of something now.

I’m crying a little bit as I write this, but my smile is bigger and happier than ever before.

I was crying with Applejack as well. She seemed happy and we both began to laugh for absolutely no reason. At some point we couldn’t laugh any more. She helped me up and we walked back to our friends, arms around each other's shoulders, laughing and crying like the biggest idiots you could imagine. I can’t imagine being happier. And I know, that no matter what happens, as long as I’m with friends, everything is going to be okay.

And do you know what, Diary? I think I might share you. I want to be honest with my friends, and sharing you could help us become closer. You mean so much to me, but now, so do my friends. Would that be okay with you? Do you want to share some friends with me?

Maybe I’ll wait for a while. Yeah, I think I want to get to the point where I feel about the rest of the girls like I do about AJ.

I love you, Diary. I couldn’t have made it this far without you.
-Good night.

5) Laughing at the True and Vibrant Colors of Life.

Sunset Shimmer closed the diary when she figured that the girls had had enough time to finish reading her barn raising entry. It was the last page that Sunset wanted them to read, and she found her heart rate quickening. Getting to this point had taken a while. All six of them had been sitting in the park for hours, reading together in silence. When one finished before the others they had waited patiently or paced awkwardly. Sunset asked them not to speak until the end. It was a hard story at parts but they had to get through those tough parts to truly appreciate how much better she was doing and how thankful she was that they had stuck with her.

Sunset also didn't want to be interrupted with worry each and every time they reached a down point, she just wanted them to know how much they meant to her. After all, the story of her life up to this point was a mishmash of isolation, selfishness, lies, hate, and tears. But finally, indescribably, it had finally reached a high note now that she had friends that meant something to her and helped her remake herself into a better person. That was what mattered. She needed them to see that and understand.

Understanding, however, wasn't something that Sunset was used to relying on. She had spent years poisoning others with lies, always having a backup if caught. Now she was being honest and it felt good. Even now she was still too nervous to turn around to face her friends. It had seemed so simple, sharing her diary, but with every page turn she crept closer to the end and their inevitable reactions. She knew, in her heart, that they would understand and accept her. It was her mind, however, that kept raising nagging little doubts. Rarity would obviously find her lack of hygiene grotesque, Rainbow Dash would take the lack of faith in her friends as a sign that she wasn’t ready for friendship, Pinkie would notice how Sunset never laughed and how depressed she was, Applejack would finally find out how much she had lied to them since becoming friends, and Fluttershy, would Fluttershy even be able to look at her again knowing that some part of her craved and clawed to hurt other people even now?

As if thinking about the worst possible scenario wasn’t enough, reading and reliving such breakthrough moments in her life left her charged with emotions that she was still getting use to; pain, empathy, fear, trust. Added to these new emotions Sunset wasn't quite sure how the girls would react after reading those moments. She had cried, bled, given up, resolved herself to suffering, suffered, and found meaning and wisdom with her friends. These situations had all been new to Sunset and she didn't know if her reactions and feelings were either normal or healthy. Sure, she was getting better. But Sunset felt that at this point she needed her friends to truly understand what she had gone through in order to feel comfortable in the changes she was making in herself.

Reassurance. On this day reassurance and understanding were the things Sunset sought. It was what she felt she needed. But reassurance meant putting herself out there. Opening herself up to the pain of the past and possibly abandonment in the rapidly approaching future. Instead of facing that fear she sat on the park bench, turned away from the friends that stood behind her. Sunset's instincts screamed that they were judging her, plotting. It was an old defensive mechanism to being untrustworthy herself.

Friends, Sunset reminded herself. They're my friends. Yes, in some ways they may be judging me. I might have even failed in their eyes in some way. But I won't know unless I turn around. Yet even though she wanted to Sunset felt a chill at the thought of turning around. Even though it was already too late, it felt like there would be no going back if she turned around. Besides, the sunset was glaring down on their park’s picnic table from behind her friends. She didn’t want to look into the sun. Yeah, that was totally it.

Rarity was the first to speak after the long silence. “Wow. Darling that was... very emotional and personal. I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say that we're honored that you shared something so close to you as your diary. Especially given the hard time you’ve been having.”

“Yeah,” added Pinkie. “I knew you were down in the dumpy-dumps, but… wow. Those were some deep down damp dark dumpy-dumps. At least it ended with laughing and hugging. We're all happy for that, right girls?”

Sunset's ears didn't have to strain to hear the murmured sounds of agreement from her best friends. She turned around and saw, to her relief, her friends there. Each had their own unique looks of support on their faces. Fluttershy was the first one Sunset noticed. She showed no fear and almost pouted as if to ask Sunset if she needed a hug. Pinkie had a giant grin, hinting that she somehow understood everything completely and everything was going to be just fine after some sort of, yay Sunset’s our very best friend now party. Applejack had a knowing older sister smile that said everything was already just fine and she couldn’t be prouder. Sunset figured that maybe Applejack had had a hard time at some point as well. Rainbow Dash looked determined to make Sunset Feel better. At a loss for how to do that, but determined in her entirety. Rarity, well, Sunset could only describe Rarity as beaming with a mix of acceptance and concern. Perhaps Rarity was relieved in some way. That seemed to make the most sense to Sunset.

As Sunset took in the expressions of comfort and concern on her friends’ faces she notice that they were standing between herself and the harsh sunlight. The light filtering through their hair reminded Sunset of the rainbow colored magic that had saved her during the fall formal. That alone would have made Sunset smile, but she found, to her surprise, that her smile couldn't get any bigger.

Rainbow Dash giggled and began to nudge Applejack in the side. “Hey. On the bright side, it sounds like AJ finally found true love, haha.”

Applejack rolled her eyes before letting a smirk creep into her expression. “Heh, least my girl’s a catch.” Applejack winked at Sunset.

Sunset blushed at the sudden turn in the conversation, suddenly realizing how her last entry might have been misconstrued. She shoved her hands up in front of her and leaned backwards enough to all but fall off the park bench. “No, it’s not like that. I just, I never knew that there could be a kind of love between friends. And it was just so intense and sudden. But I got it, I finally got friendship. It was, special, personal, but it wasn’t romantic. I promise.”

Rainbow laughed and threw her arm around Sunset’s left shoulder. “Calm down, we’re just teasing ya.”

Applejack put her arm over Sunset’s other shoulder. “Ya. We know your barn door don’t swing that way, what with your thing for Flash and all.”

Sunset pulled her friends the rest of the way into a hug as she felt relief wash over her. Despite being friends for a few weeks Sunset was still thrown off by the friendly teasing the girls sometimes participated in. Sadistically this seemed to make it all the more enjoyable for them. Fortunately for Sunset, she had learned that one good turn deserved another. “Wow. Okay, you got me. But speaking of barn doors, when are you two finally gonna hook up?”

Applejack and Rainbow Dash quickly pushed themselves away from Sunset and turned away from each other with their arms crossed.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m way too awesome for AJ. I mean, if I went that way, even.”

“Psshh. Who in their right mind would wanna date Rainbow Dash in the first place.”

They both turned back around at the same time, tongues sticking out before they cracked near identical grins.

“Speaking of Flash Sentry,” said Fluttershy. “Have you thought about showing him the Diary? I mean, if you like him and you’re right about why he broke up with you, maybe the new you could get through to him.”

Sunset felt her smile mold into the familiar fake sincerity she had used to use when convincing others to do bad things. She hoped that her friends would be convinced to leave the topic of Flash alone, she just wasn’t ready to deal with that yet. But Sunset knew that her smile no longer reached her eyes and if her friends knew to look for it they wouldn’t be fooled. “No. You saw how Twilight got along with Flash. Even if we never see her again, I owe her.”

Rarity nodded. “A true and noble gesture from a proper lady.”

“Nah,” said Rainbow, waving her hand dismissively toward Rarity. “I say go for it. Flash is a hunk. Besides, it could be years before Twilight makes it back. She’d understand. Heck, she’d probably even be happy for you two.”

Sunset felt a pang of jealousy when she heard Rainbow describe Flash as a hunk. But she was pleasantly surprised that it went away when she realized that Rainbow was rooting for her.

“Whatever happened to loyalty?” asked Applejack with a hint of sarcasm.

Sunset met Fluttershy’s eyes and they shared a smile as they listened to the friendly banter.

“Hey,” said Rainbow. “If Twilight wanted to be with him, then she would try to be with him, but they’re not from the same worlds. At least one of my friends should be happy.”

“Um. I’m not from this world either,” said Sunset quietly. She felt her mood darken just like it always did when she was reminded that she wasn't from this world that felt so warm to her.
“Yeah,” said Rainbow as she waving off Sunset's point. “But you’re here, you’re with us, and you’re one of us now. But Twilight’s not. At least, she's not here."

There were a few moments of awkward silence before Fluttershy spoke up. “I miss Twilight.”

Everyone but Sunset muttered various agreements.

Sunset felt mixed feelings that she didn’t understand well up in her. She wanted to miss Twilight, but she had never had time to connect with her. If anything Sunset wanted to thank her, get to know her, hug her even. Being the only other living pony that was ever Princess Celestia’s apprentice, Sunset thought that she would get along well with Twilight. They might even become best friends. “I just wish I’d been able to be friends with her or even tell her ‘thank you.’ I owe her so much.”

Sunset suddenly found herself in the middle of a group hug, their warmth comforting her in the absence of a solution. It lasted for a few long, comfortable seconds before everyone loosened their grip. "You'll get your chance Sugarcube," said Applejack. "We all miss her and she knows that. She ain't gonna never come back."

The hug lasted another few seconds before everyone let go. A pregnant silence took hold as everyone silently worried about never seeing Twilight again. Rainbow was the first to speak up. “So, how’s your new job going? I keep meaning to stop by, but I’m always busy with practice when you're there.”

Sunset smiled. “It’s actually going really well. At first I was afraid of, well... I was afraid that being in charge of anything, even animals, might not end up going so well for me. Thankfully Fluttershy gave me some really good advice.”

“Oh?” said Rarity. “Do tell.”

Sunset continued with a smile. “Well you see, Fluttershy explained that grooming pets was good for them. So getting them to cooperate was good for them. I was afraid that I might start convincing myself that if I knew what was the best for animals, then maybe I would start making decisions for others and convincing myself that I knew best. But Fluttershy said that it was because I had already learned from that mistake and turned back into a nice person that she trusted me. Someone has to be a leader, and sometimes if that’s me, then that should be more than okay because I’d be careful. It was when I started thinking that I always knew what was best that my ego got the better of me before, and now I know better.”

Rainbow grinned and placed a hand on Sunset’s shoulder. “Trust me, as long as I’m here you don’t have to worry about your ego.”

The six of them broke out in a laugh. Rainbow, after all, was a good person who was always there for her friends. While her ego could complicate things it didn’t prevent her from being that good person, worthy of the element of loyalty. “Thanks,” said Sunset.

Rainbow Dash gave a sloppy salute. “No prob girl, I got your back.”

Sunset nodded and let the topic drop.

“By the way,” asked Applejack pausing, “how did repairing the pitching machine go?”

Rainbow answered before Sunset could get a word in. “It’s awesome. It was struggling to pitch at forty miles an hour before. But after Sunset worked on it we clocked it at eighty four miles an hour. That’s like, a major league pitcher having a good night. Those old machines just weren’t supposed to do that.”

Sunset blushed again. She was aware that she had been blushing a lot as she felt her cheeks burn, but she wasn’t trying to hide it either. “Well, I mean, I just took the motor apart and put it back together again. It’s no different from taking a completed puzzle apart and putting it back together. It’s kind of easy really. The only real work I did was cleaning some of the parts and giving it some new grease.”

“Yeah!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash, waving off Sunset’s overly complicated explanation. “It doesn’t matter what you did. It works better now, and that’s awesome.”

Rarity waved to catch Sunset’s attention again. “So does that mean the softball team has forgiven you?”

“Kind of. They don’t trust me, but they aren’t going after me or anything.”

Pinkie hopped up and down next to Rarity. “Oh, oh. So then how much of the school has forgiven you now?”

Sunset had to think for a minute. At home she had a list of students that had giving her a hard time. It was a modified version of the list that Applejack and Pinkie had made that first day that they went back to school. Sunset hoped that one day the people on that list would forgive her, some already had.

“Well, the softball team forgave me after I fixed the pitching machine. I think Flash has kept some of the guy’s sports teams from harassing me, especially after I let the jocks who attacked me off the hook. The few students whose pets I’ve groomed seem to treat me okay. Snips and Snails aren't talking to me, but they're leaving me alone too. Actually, without the people who picked on me or attacked me doing anything, the rest of the school seems to have backed off. And to be fair, most of the school didn’t actually want to hurt me in the first place. They’d laugh and encourage the bullies, but they didn’t actually do anything themselves.”

“So,” said Applejack, “sounds like they don’t necessarily trust ya, but they aren’t causing you any trouble.”

Sunset nodded, as a small smile crept onto her face.

“Well, it’s something.” said Applejack as she patted Sunset on the shoulder. “They’ll probably come around in time.”

Sunset shrugged. “It doesn’t matter all that much. I want them to like me, and to make some more friends, but as long as I have you girls, I’ll be happy.”

“Nonsense!” declared Rarity. “You don’t want to only have us as friends. Seriously, we all love each other to death, but having some friends that love cosplay also lets me share my love of fashion with others who love it as much as I do. And don’t even get me started on Rainbow. I mean, honestly, could you imagine how insufferable she might be if she didn’t get all that exercise and competitive excitement from sports?”

Fluttershy jumped in. "I get to share my love of animals and the environment with some of my other friends. It's really nice.”

“I get ta share my love of cookin’ and farmin' with my family,” added Applejack with a proud smile.

“Oh! Oh! I get to do all sorts of things involving baking and sugar when I work at Sugarcube Corner,” said Pinkie as she bounced from foot to foot.

“Huh,” muttered Sunset. “I guess I hadn’t thought of it that way. Maybe I should find something different to do with people besides all of you.”

“Yeah!” exclaimed Pinkie. She quickly began waving her arms like a bird. “Spread your wings and fly. What kind of things do you like that we don’t really do?”

“Well... I like to write. Maybe I’ll see if I can join a writing group or something.”

“Oh, that sounds perfect,” said Fluttershy. “The school has a new writer's group, it’s so nice.”

“That does sound rather ideal,” added Rarity.

“Definitely not something we're into,” said Rainbow vehemently. “But it does sound kind of cool.”

“Yup, no time for that with us Apples.”

“Oh, speaking of time,” gasped Rarity. “If we want to practice our new song, we better get going. I need to do some homework afterwards. Sunset, darling, would you like to come and watch again?”

“Oh... ya... Sure.”

November 6th

Dear Diary,

They love you, Diary. I shared you with all the girls: Pinkie, Rainbow, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity. Sharing you with them was definitely the right call. I think we’re all on the same page now, like I’m really connected to all of them. We didn’t talk a lot about what I wrote in you, but that was probably because there wasn’t a lot to say. It’s in the past, and I’ve worked out so many of my problems. I’m not simply a better person now, I feel like a good person. More importantly I feel that my past does not define me. But even without really talking about you, I feel closer to them than I ever have before. I’m not hiding anything from them, and they are okay with that, welcoming even. I feel included in their conversation, and it really feels natural. ~~I just,~~

I can talk, finally talk, to people about things without feeling like some extra useless wheel. Today the conversations kind of flowed around naturally from one topic to another. It didn’t feel like they were there to support me anymore. It felt like we were just friends hanging out. It was great.

I would even say I feel loved for the first time since, well, since Celestia first tried to mentor me. It's scary, but in a good way. I think it’s that I’m afraid of losing something precious to me, but I can only fear losing it because I have it.

Heh, I feel warm right now just thinking about it.

I still have a lot to do with the school before they really accept me though. I mean, they don’t bother me or play pranks anymore. Snips and Snails are doing okay too, so I’m not worried about them. Earlier I was thinking that, as much as it might bother me, I’d just stay friends with the girls and not worry about the rest of the school. But the girls made a good point today. There are things I like that really aren’t that much of an interest to them. Writing, for example, or kites. Kites are so much more fun to fly with hands. Oh, I could share my hobbies with them, of course, but it’s different than sharing something you're passionate about with someone equally as passionate. So I decided that I should go and share myself with others and make more friends.

Even as I write that I feel silly. I have the best friends a girl could have, and here I am thinking about how I want more. A few weeks ago, that would have really scared me. A part of me keeps thinking that feeling that way means I’m being greedy, but that part of me can go play with the power-hungry demons of my past. I just, I don’t know. I think I’m happy, and it’s not some kind of temporary, hear a good joke, kind of happy. Things are actually looking up for me. I have friends. And they aren’t just any friends, they’re good friends. And as long as I'm not hurting anyone, being happy is okay. The girls don’t even mind if I go off and make more friends. They're the ones encouraging me. But I think it would be healthy and, who knows, maybe I’d be able to make ever more friends that I’d be just as close with. Still, I will never forget the girls, or you, Diary. You’re all important to me.

I will say, though, that I was disappointed that they didn’t ask me to be a part of their band. I mean, here I am, listening to them practice as I write this. I want to join in, but I worry that I’d be breaking something up. Ya, I know if I asked they’d probably say I could join. But they’d formed the group right after becoming friends again and it was before I ever got close with any of them. In a way it kind of symbolizes their return to being friends and I don’t want to ruin that. Heck, I was the one to break them up in the first place. Added to that is the fact that they are encouraging me to do more with others and, well, I would kind of feel like I might be smothering them a bit.

I just, it makes me feel left out.

Aw screw it. Maybe I’m being too sensitive. After all, I only learned to play guitar because I needed to practice using my fingers. I’d never planned on being in a band. And they do sound really good together. It even seems to cause them to transform into their anthro-pony forms like on the night of the fall formal. I would feel awful if I ruined that for them.

You know, I’m not going to worry about it too much. I want to hang out with them, and we are, and we’re having fun doing it. Sure, being a part of the band would be cool and all, but in the end I just want to have a good time with my friends and help them like they’ve helped me. I can do that from the sidelines. It might even be good for me not to be the one in the spotlight. I’m sure if they wanted or needed help they’d ask.

Besides, tomorrow will be exciting. I’ve decided to volunteer to show some new students around and they should be arriving just after lunch. I’m really looking forward to it. They’ll be the first students whom I’ll meet as the new me. Man that sounds awkward saying it like that. Still, I’m sure Twilight would be proud that I’m going to finally try to make new friends with people I’ve never met before.

Wish me luck tomorrow, Diary!

I Love you
-Sunset Shimmer

P.S. I just got a text from Pinkie. She wanted me to write something from her into you before I tuck in. It’s kind of weird but it somehow feels right.

“Thank you for helping Sunset by listening to her and sharing in her pain, even if you couldn’t tell her anything yourself. Listening to such an ordeal can be hard, but sharing in the rewards of a lifechanging experience is one of the most beautiful moments I have ever been a part of. I hope you have found the experience as uplifting as I have.
-Pinkie”

Good night, and in case I haven’t said it recently, thank you for being there for me.
-Sunset Shimmer

3) Being Honesty, It's Always About Control.

Day 8 of being a better person

Okay, Diary.

You’ve heard me bitch and whine for the past week. I’ve been down on myself, I’ve let others hurt me, I haven’t been taking care of myself, and now that I have friends, real friends, they’ve been hurt because of me. But I’ve realized that who I am, Sunset Shimmer, did not change when I put on that crown. I am not a separate person because I let pride, selfishness, cruelty, malevolence, deceit, and depression drive me into a hole. I didn’t turn into a different person, but I did become the worst person I could be.

Fortunately Twilight and the girls reset me, put me in balance. My hatred, my absolute jealousy, and fear of failure led me down my dark path. It led me into hell. Now that I’ve been led back to neutral ground, that path is still there, it isn’t gone. The difference is that I know the dark path and it’s dangers. It taunts me with false promises, trying to draw me closer until I can’t turn back. While I fear it, if I don’t acknowledge it and look where I’m going, I could find myself down that path too far to turn back on my own. Next time I won’t get a second chance, I won’t deserve it. There are an infinite number of paths in life. I’m not wasting my second chance.

I’ve been doing some thinking, Diary. It’s how I realized I was always Sunset Shimmer. When I let that power posses me I was Sunset Shimmer, and now I am writing to you as Sunset Shimmer. The differences are small, but important. I’m still jealous of ~~Twilight Sparkle~~ Princess Twilight Sparkle, but I also owe her and respect her now. I still want to succeed and be strong, to have other ponies look up to me. But now I want to be strong for my friends and to have others look up to me out of respect, not fear..

I think some part of me still feel like I’m better than others; it’s why I’ve been trying to take all the abuse myself rather than solving my problems or getting help. I thought I could take it, that I somehow could, and therefore deserved, to handle the worse punishment for my crimes. I’ve almost been arrogant in assuming that in order to change I need to take more and more and grind myself down until the Sunset that made the mistakes is gone and a newer, stronger, Sunset can be built back up to stand as a stark contrast of humility. But as I’ve said, I’ve been thinking. Maybe those feelings exist because part of me still feels like it’s better than others, and others would have quite by now. It’s almost as if I am so afraid of pride and confidence that I’ve been trying to literally beat it out of me until it’s gone. It’s kind of ironic, then, because it’s that pride and confidence that have driven me to try to destroy my pride and confidence.

So, I’ve been ignoring the help and advice and even some of the friendship offered by others. I’ve done this because I feel like they don’t know my limits and how much I feel like I needed to be pushed to never make the same mistakes that I made before. But, just because I think highly of myself it doesn’t mean that others aren’t better than me at things. It doesn’t mean I can’t be grateful. If anything, it means I should be grateful. More than that, I should show others the respect they deserve as I look upon them, learn from them, and better myself from their experiences. I’ve realized that there are many ways to go about things, that while 2+2=4, so does 3+1.

I know that I’m not the best person, but I also know that I’m not as bad of a person as I’ve been thinking I am. A lot of people make mistakes, I just happened to have knowledge that made those mistakes as bad as possible. Don’t give me that look, staring at me with blank pages, watching me try to put my thoughts together. I know I got off easy and that I still have a lot to make up for. At the same time I’m not some weak little girl, and I’m not a demon. I’m a person who deserves the same respect I should show toward others, even if I need to earn it back.

So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m not going to sit here and let others destroy my place. I’m not going to let others prevent me from working or scare me away from school. Most importantly, I’m not going to let my friends be hurt anymore. I’m going to make sure my life is a life worth living. It’s as precious as any other. That means I need to treat myself, and others, with respect!!!

This morning I called the officer who was in charge of the case of my attack. I said I was ready to talk in detail. Applejack was in the room in the hospital where I called. She said I was doing the right thing. And she said she was proud of me.

It’s been years since anyone was proud of me. I was kind of shocked, honestly. I mean, I had been so dumb in the first place and now AJ was proud of me just for cleaning up my mess. And it was a mess that got her hurt.

I thanked her, but she doesn’t understand. It didn’t matter if I was doing the right thing. It mattered that my friends wouldn’t get hurt. It matters that those bullies will be able to learn their lesson, that they’d have a chance to get back on the right path and not fall down their own dark staircase.

If it’s the right thing then that’s nice. But doing something because it’s right makes it easy to justify what you are doing as being the right thing. Being right is vague. I can’t afford to be vague. I can’t afford to slip because I can justify it as the right thing. I thought I was doing all the right things before and I couldn’t have been farther from ‘right.’

When the officer arrived, I told him everything about the attack, and why they did it. I had to skip over anything magical because I don’t know who outside the school knows about my incident. I just mentioned that I did some mean stuff at school. He said that between my testimony and Applejack’s, he could make sure the people who attacked us were punished.

I told him not to, at least I said don’t punish them for attacking me. He could round up and scare the kids, but I had done bad things to them too and I wasn’t pressing charges. I wanted to apologize to them and give them a chance to apologize to me. Some of the religions in this world place a lot of respect in forgiveness, and it might be rubbing off. I didn’t want to push them down the road any more than I already had. I wanted to forgive them and make it easier for them to take the nicer path.

Applejack objected. She said that they deserved to be punished, otherwise they wouldn’t learn. I agreed that the ones that attacked her should be, but the students who attacked me were just doing the same thing that the police would be doing to them. At some level they were scared of me and that was completely understandable. Going hard on them would just make them more angry and I’d be the one who hurt them again. It would all be my fault and their disdain for me would only grow.

They only knew me for being a bully, and I needed to give them something different to think about. The first thing I was going to do was apologize to the people who attacked me. I need to talk to them so that they’d know I’m the same person who bullied them but that I was trying to be better now. If I don’t even try to explain that to them then how am I supposed to expect them to act any different?

Ugh, I’m getting a headache.

Everything ended up being more complicated than that. The short version is that after I was discharged I went to the police station. The police had scared some sense into the kids who attacked me by the time I got there. They let me talk to them and I made sure they knew that I was not pressing charges. I talked with each of them, one on one, and explained everything. Each time they apologized to me in turn, and we agreed that we were both in the wrong and would start over. We weren’t friends but at least I got them to not completely hate me.

It felt weird, surreal. I don’t think I ever thought I would be forgiven for what I did. Yet some of those kids, even the Diamond Dog crew, seemed to be honest in their apologies. It felt, good? I think that’s the simplest way to put it. It kind of felt like a weight had been lifted from my chest, like I was breathing easier afterwards. I found myself looking forward to the next student each time I finished with one. At first I’d just wanted to get it over with, to make steps in the right direction, to complete a task and move on. What I ended up doing was honestly speaking to those whom I had hurt, the ones who hurt me.

At first I thought it might just be a pony thing. We tend to be a bit more communal and peaceful after all. After talking with a few of my attackers, however, I realized they felt bad about what they did to me too even though they also felt justified. I guess, monster to monster, forgiveness and understanding can go a long way. I don’t think they’ll be any more trouble. It also made me think that maybe, maybe, if I connect with the other students too, all of them, then they will feel better as well. It could be therapeutic. Then we could all get over it together.

It was a bit harder dealing with Snips and Snails. They had looked up to me and were caught in the crossfire just like I’ve been. They were trying to avoid being bullied themselves by making me more of a target. In a strange and perverse way I was proud of them. They had learned something from me and had taken charge to secure their safety, something I had avoided until now. But that was the me that had gone down the wrong path. When I explained that to them, including me being proud but worried, they said they didn't know any other way. It made me sad but it also gave me another goal.

So, here is the plan, Diary. Monday, I’m going to school early and I’m going to talk to Principal Celestia. There are some things at school that I want to do to apologize for and to show that I’ve changed.

First, I am going to hand-write a personal apology to every student in the school. I’m not just going to apologize for taking over their minds by robbing them of their essence. I’m going to apologize to each and every one of them for specific things I’ve done to them, even if they thought it was someone else. They deserve to know the truth. Hey, maybe I’ll even mend a few bridges along the way.

After the written apologies and need to start showing people that I want to make up for the all the pain and trouble I’ve caused. I know they’ve been meaning to fix the pitching machine. I’m pretty good when it comes to mechanical things, probably has to do with being a unicorn. I figure I can start there. That way it would cost less and actually get replaced before the end of the season. Rainbow would probably be able to get the team to let me try.

After fixing the pitching machine, I’m going to organize a bake sale so that we can get vending machines replaced with ones that work. I’m sure Fluttershy and Applejack would be interested in helping with that. Pinkie Pie, too, now that I think about it. You’d think that a company would want to sell their snacks, but I guess they are rented by the school and the school doesn’t have enough to replace them. If I raise enough the rest will go to replacing the mascot uniform. That stallion is so old and dirty that it makes it hard to have school pride sometimes. I don’t need to buy a completely new one, since I’m sure Rarity would be willing to make one if I could just get the materials. It would probably be better quality, too.

I’m going to have Snips and Snails help out with some of it, but I also want them to find something constructive to do on their own. They need to show the school that they aren’t bad people either and that they aren’t my minions anymore.

So, Diary. That’s the plan as it stands. I’ll probably have to do a few other things to even get the rest of the school to leave me alone, but it’s a start.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I need to pick up a paper and find some job opportunities.

-See you soon, Diary.
I love you.