Philomena's Fun

by 420swagmoney

Rating: everyone
Tags: Philomena, Fluttershy, Adventure, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2621

Philomena causes a bit of panic in Ponyville.

Philomena didn't want to go. But when that sweet, cream colored pegasus birdnapped her, she felt it was time for a little payback.

Please note that this is my first write, so while i am willing to take critisism, as i don't really know what i'm doing here, admittedly, please don't unleash your fury on me if it's bad. Thank you.

Published 2012-04-29 06:04:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-03 17:27:15 UTC

Shedding day

Philomena woke up gradually.  Nowadays it seemed like a three step process.  Step one: Open eyes.  Step two: Regain control of thought. (This particular process sometimes took Philomena an hour.)  Step three: Be forced to listen as Celestia rants on about her plans for the day.

Unfortunately for Philomena, step three came first today.

"Good morning, Philomena.  Did you sleep well?"  Philomena was hoping that the princess was being sarcastic.  "We've got a big day today, so get up!"  As she said this, she went into her drawer, searching for her tiara.  Philomena wondered why she wore the stupid thing.  It would be so much easier to fly without it, but she insisted on wearing it every day.

"Oh, lighten up, Philomena.  Today we're heading down to Ponyville.  Pinkie Pie has put together a nice, casual get-together for us, and we don't want to be late!"  Philomena was wondering why the princess was using words like "We" and "Us", when the princess called in a couple of her guards.  Sheesh.  "Guards".  Sometimes the difference between Royal Guards and Servants became difficult to tell.

As if Celestia knew what Philomena was thinking, she said, "I'm bringing you along, by the way.  Twilight has mentioned that her friend Fluttershy enjoys the company of animals, and I think she would be delighted to see you."  Philomena wondered why Princess Celestia was so intent on bringing her, even if this "Fluttershy" did like animals.  Why, of all days, would a get-together be held today?

Why would this "Pinkie Pie" hold the get-together on shedding day?

Today was the day that, instead of looking majestic and awe-inspiring, Philomena would just look like a mess.  Why doesn't anypony know when that is?  It was natural to her, why not to anypony else?  This question constantly nagged at Philomena, but usually she could just push it aside.

Not today.

Today, she would be humiliated in front of a crowd of ponies.  Today, she would lose all of her feathers.  Now, a pheonix is pretty much nothing without her feathers.  In fact, a pheonix looks just plain ridiculous without her feathers.  Philomena just sat with her wings crossed as the two guards picked up her cage.  "Don't worry, Philomena.  I doubt anypony will make fun of you."

Yeah, sure.  As if something as majestic as a pheonix being turned into something resembling a chicken wasn't something to laugh at.  Just thinking about what she would look like today sent a chill down Philomena's spine.  Getting a chill was fairly uncommon in a pheonix, and this appeared to surprise the princess.  However, instead of yielding like she normally did, Celestia just said, "Come on now.  I'm sorry, but you have to go."

Philomena hadn't personally seen the princess so assertive before.  She guessed that it had shown on her face, as the princess let out a small chuckle.  "Come along, guards.  We shouldn't be late."  Philomena let out a groan.  She honestly did not want to go.  On a normal day she would be perfectly happy to be out there, strutting her stuff.  But, today wasn't a normal day.  It was shedding day.  Shedding day has never been just normal.  It's always been a day in which Philomena despised, the day a blot on her reputation always seemed to surface.  In Philomena's mind, that didn't need any assistance in utterly humiliating her.

Philomena woke just as the carriage landed.  Just how long had she been sleeping?  Casting a glance at where the sun was, she guessed that she had been out for about 3 minutes.  The guards always did have a reputation for going places insanely quickly.  Though, nopony seemed to be as fast as that blue-and-rainbow colored pegasus, but that was a whole different story.

Philomena noticed a building nearby that appeared to be built out of...food?  No, on further inspection, it looked like a normal building up until the roof.  The roof of the building was brown and had frosting on it, not unlike a gingerbread house.  She noticed a great deal of ponies inside the building, and jumped down to the bottom of her cage to remain out of sight.  Philomena had lost many of her feathers on the trip.  She sighed.  It was going to be a long day.

The Birdnapping

"She's quite the sight, isn't she?" said the princess with a chuckle.  Philomena, at this point, realized she would have to get up.  When she did, she was greeted by the sight of a nervous looking purple unicorn and a cream colored pegasus, both staring in shock.  Philomena looked around.  This get-together was just a bit...off.  Three particular ponies stood out to Philomena in particular.  A pale white unicorn shrieking in the corner got her attention.  This unicorn was running around, avoiding ponies carrying food and drinks, whining that they would leave stains on her dress.  Philomena chuckled.  Any get-together with the princess would not be casual, and this unicorn proved it.

Looking to the left, Philomena noticed a very distraught brown earth pony.  She was looking in a panic at the various foods in front of her, going to eat one, then going to eat another.  Screams of glee caught Philomena's attention as she looked over.  A very...bouncy pink earth pony was running around, marveling at the various selections of food.  At one point, she sticked her entire head into a nearby chocolate fountain, and ate some while it hardened.  "How primitive," Philomena thought.  If anything, the pony could have just used a cup.

"Oh, um, yes.  She is, um, special?" said the nearby cream colored pegasus.  Philomena let out a cough.  Her throat was incredibly dry today.  She realized she hadn't actually drank anything today.  She looked at the princess.  Two ponies were rushing to her side, constantly filling up her teacup.  Philomena just sighed.  The princess probably forgot to give her her water.  This was typical behavior of the princess, but usually she remembered by the end of the day.

Apparently, not today.

Philomena thought that the princess would be vigilant for this kind of thing.  You know, with the whole rant not two minutes ago about celestia caring for all beings big and small?  So, here she was.  Humiliated in front of everypony, throat dry, and neglected by the princess herself.

Worst shedding day ever.

One of the two guards accompanying Celestia came up and whispered something in her ear, wiping the smile right off of her face.  In a cruel way, Philomena was glad.  The princess had neglected to give her a drink, and that didn't blow over with Philomena.  The princess and her guards strolled out of the building.

But they forgot Philomena.

The cage and pheonix were still sitting on the table where Celestia had sat just moments ago.  The cream colored pegasus turned to look at the cage.  The pink pony cartwheeled out the door, while the white one backed up delicately through the door.  Following the pair was the brown pony, balancing a number of foods on her nose.  These ponies were really odd.

But then Philomena heard the cage door open, and two cream hooves reached towards her.  Philomena, at that point, would usually have run straight to Princess Celestia.  But it seemed that Celestia didn't quite care today.  Still, she was a little annoyed.  Nopony birdnaps Philomena and gets away with it!  There was suddenly a lot to do.  Maybe today won't be so bad.

The beginning

Philomena wondered where this cream pegasus was taking her.  As she sat on the pegasus's back, she marveled at just how little Ponyville had in comparison to Canterlot.  At one point, she even saw a farm.  A farm!  In Canterlot, they just used their magic, and poof!  Food was sitting there in front of them.

They passed some very strange looking buildings.  One was a hollowed out tree, and another was a carousel.  At one point, they reached the outskirts of town.  "Finally," Philomena thought.  It had taken forever to get there, and the phoenix was eager to stretch her legs.  The pegasus approached a small cottage.  This cottage was probably the most serene looking thing Philomena had ever seen.  A stream ran under a small bridge, birdhouses hung from every branch, and the house itself seemed to be built out of leaves.  On top of all this, there were animals everywhere.  "This pegasus must really like animals," Philomena speculated.

Boy, she had no idea.

Judging by Celestia's description of a "Fluttershy" who enjoyed the company of animals, Philomena figured that this was that same Fluttershy.  As they approached the cottage, Fluttershy began talking.  "Oh, you poor thing.  How did you ever get in such a bad condition?"  Did this pony not even know about shedding day?  Gee, no wonder she looked shocked earlier at the bakery.  If she didn't know about shedding day, then it would just seem like Philomena was deathly ill.

Still, that wasn't an excuse to birdnap her.

Fluttershy seemed to cringe every time Philomena let out a cough.  She continued, "Don't you worry, Philomena.  I'll nurse you back to health.  It's clear the Princess hasn't had time to take care of you properly."  That was true.  Celestia had neglected to give Philomena her drink.  That was why she had this bad cough, but Fluttershy didn't seem to know that.  Every time Philomena let out a cough, a few feathers would fall off.  With every feather, the expression on Fluttershy's face got more and more grave.  Philomena wasn't dying.  She just had a cough.

And, of course, it was shedding day.

"I'm sure the Princess will appreciate the help."  Philomena wondred if she actually would.  While it would be a heap off the Princess's shoulders, there was nothing to help with.  Meh, what did she care.  This pegasus would pay, Philomena would see to that.  She coughed.  Fluttershy, clearly panicking, said, "Oh, my.  We simply must get you to bed, right away!"  Philomena could do with a nap.  When Fluttershy put her in bed, though, it wasn't to sleep.

It was as if she put her in bed just to lie down.  Who goes to their bed just to lie down?  When Philomena saw the thermometer, she knew now was the time to start toying with Fluttershy.  As Fluttershy pulled the blanket over her, she adjusted her body temperature to a boiling hot.  This startled the poor pegasus, and she quickly pulled the sheet off and placed an ice packet on the phoenix's head.  Immediately, Philomena dropped her body temperature to below the freezing point of water to match.

Fluttershy, worried beyond her wildest dreams, started putting the blanket on and taking the ice pack off.  When Philomena adjusted her body temperature again, she put the ice pack back, but took the blanket off.  This continued for a while, up until the point where they actually broke the thermometer.  "This is worse than I thought.  We need to get you some medicine, stat!"  Philomena chuckled.  Even if she did have a disease, she sincerely doubted there would be a cure to it.

The pegasus rushed off, coming back with a plate and a pill.  Philomena refused to take it.  "Doctor Fluttershy expected that!", Fluttershy said while pouring a heaping pile of bird seed over the pill.  Thank Celestia!  Philomena was starved.  As she devoured the bird seed, she made it a point to go around the pill.  Something about the seeds didn't quite sit right, but that didn't matter.  Philomena was having too much fun to notice, anyway.

Too Easy

Soup.  Soup.  Sure, she was thirsty, but still!  How would soup help with something that was (supposedly) this bad?!  Philomena just looked in confusion as the pegasus brought the bowl closer.  "There's nothing like homemade soup to cure what ails you!"  Hah, as if.  Soup would never work.  In fact, Philomena was so offended by this act of incompetence that she refused to drink it.  Even if she was thirsty, she wasn't giving in.  Not now.

Fluttershy faked a sip of the soup.  "Mmm, it's delicious!  Good and good for you!"  Philomena wasn't having any of it.  How stupid did Fluttershy think she was?  "Come on now!  You're not gonna get better if you don't grow up, already!"  Philomena couldn't believe what she just heard.  "If you don't grow up, already."  Yeah, no.  Now, no matter what, Philomena would NEVER, EVER drink that soup.

NEVER.

Fluttershy let out a small grin.  "Here comes the choo-choo train!  Chugga chugga chugga chugga woo woo!"  Suddenly, Fluttershy believed that Philomena was two!?  This pegasus was just...to put it bluntly, dumb.  How dare she?!  Treating the great and majestic Philomena like she was a toddler?!  Philomena was so blinded in rage that she didn't even notice her head falling into the bowl.

Splash.

"Oh, my.  Wait right here, I know something that will help."  The pegasus rushed off, leaving Philomena with her thoughts.  The phoenix was furious.  Her stomach growled.  That heap of seeds she ate earlier wasn't sitting very well.  Fluttershy came back with a small green hummingbird.  "Say hello to Hummingway.  Hummingway here was sick once, too!  But I took care of him and he got better in no time!"  The hummingbird flew by Philomena.  It seemed friendly, and the two became quick friends.

The hummingbird flew back to Fluttershy.  "AH-AH-AH-AH-AAAH!", she sang.  The hummingbird sang in reply.  Philomena's stomach couldn't take those seeds anymore.  "Your turn, Philomena!"  As the pegasus flew down, Philomena threw up all over Fluttershy's face.  "Um, good try?"

Fluttershy took Philomena into the bathroom.  "I know what'll clear up that tickle in your throat.  A humidifier!"  As she said this, she went to a collection of pipes by the far wall and turned a knob.  Suddenly, the room became much more humid.  This seemed to intensify Philomena's dry throat.  She coughed.  Fluttershy let a look of panic take shape.  "Don't worry, I know lots of other ways to take care of animals!"

Philomena sat in the now darkened foyer of the cottage.  Candles lay everywhere.  "Aromatherapy?"  All those scents overwhelmed Philomena.  She sneezed, and all the candles went out.  "Warm bath?"  She sat Philomena in a small bathtub.  The water soaked into Philomena's feathers.  "Ointment?"  Philomena guessed that the ointment contained zinc, as it caused an allergic reaction.  Fluttershy's panicked expression intensified.  Philomena chuckled.  This pony worried too much.

Okay, first off.  I did not mean to soil anypony's view of Fluttershy.  This is written based on Philomena and what goes on in her head.  Second.  I changed a few minor details in this story.  If you were to compare this to Episode 22, you would find some inconsistencies.  If I wrote the exact same story, it wouldn't be too interesting, now would it?

Procedures

"Scalpel."  A white rabbit passed the pegasus a small knife.  Fluttershy had a fierce look of determination on her face.  "What was she trying now?", Philomena wondered.  "Surgical tape."  The same rabbit passed Fluttershy a roll of duct tape.  "Feathers."  The rabbit gave Fluttershy a basket of feathers.  "Where did she even get those?", pondered the phoenix.  The question was answered quickly, as Philomena looked around and saw her own feathers strewn about the cottage.

Looking at herself, Philomena noticed what the pegasus had done.  She had duct taped about 26 feathers to the poor phoenix.  "What did she even need the scalpel for?"  It was true.  Not once had Fluttershy used the scalpel.  And besides, since when were pegasi surgeons?  "Oh Philomena, I thought it would be easy to nurse you back to health.  But I've tried everything I know, and look at you."  Fluttershy picked up the phoenix. "You're worse than ever."  Gee, thanks.  What a nice compliment.

There was a knock on the door.  Fluttershy slid over to the door.  But before she could open it, the purple unicorn from before burst in, startling the poor pegasus.  "Hi, Fluttershy!  I just wanted to drop by and say thank you so very much for making such a good impression on the princess today-"  The unicorn finally caught a glimpse of Philomena.  "What is Celestia's pet doing here?"

"I couldn't leave the poor thing there.  She needed my help."

"Oh no. Nononononono.  This. Is bad."

"But how could i just walk away and not do anything?"

"But she doesn't belong to you!"

"I had to do something!"

"Without telling anypony?  Without asking permission?"

"But-"  Philomena let out a wheeze.

"I know you had good intentions.  But you have got to return the princess's pet!"

"But-"  Philomena figured it was time to intervene.  She inhaled deeply and made her eyes buggy.

Fluttershy sighed.  "You're right.  Okay, let's-"  Philomena coughed again.

Fluttershy and the unicorn put Philomena in a basket and began to walk out the door, but when they opened it, two guards were standing outside.  The unicorn pretty much had a heart attack.

Sorry, everypony, for such a large gap in between chapters.  As you probably can guess, finals are rolling around and I've been very busy.  I was lucky to find time to get this chapter out.  It might be a little while till the next chapter, sorry to keep you guys waiting!