Rainbow Dash 'n' Ghosts 'n' Stuff

by Jenohart

Chapters

Prologue: Voodoo Ponies
Verse 1: Stable of Evil, the Bronc and the Broodmare
Chapter 1: Wake Up Dead
Verse 2, Stanza 1: The Seisure of 300 bits from a Freeter Unicorn in Ponyville

Prologue: Voodoo Ponies

Rainbow Dash ‘n’ Ghosts ‘n’ Stuff
A My Little Pony derpfiction

Prologue: Voodoo Ponies

“Rainbow Dash, I appreciate that you’re willing to help me validate my theory, but you really don’t have to-“

“You just think I can’t do it don’t you!?”

Rainbow Dash yelled over her shoulder at Twilight, her competitive nature overriding rational thoughts.

I’ll show her! I perfected the legendary Sonic Rainboom! I’ve lived and worked in Ponyville for years! Of course I could fly a course through the streets of Ponyville blindfolded! I’ll do it in ten seconds flat!

Rainbow Dash's desire to perform such a dangerous feat didn't just come from the urge to rise to any competition or challenge. Blindfolded “Voodoo” races were annually held in secret on the darkest night of the year. The most foolhardy, brave and stupid ponies gather to recklessly gallop through the quiet streets of Ponyville completely blind, while other ponies place bets on them. It was named after a rumour that Zebras in their native country would host similar races but with the runners being bewitched (or perhaps simply intoxicated) instead of blindfolded, and the town streets replaced with dangerous and harrowing rainforests. It’s amazing and yet quite frightening what ponies do to escape the monstrous boredom of a quiet farming town.

Rainbow Dash was in fact a veteran of these races. She never did too well in them, but she blamed it on the fact that wings were not allowed (as if flying at near super-sonic speeds blindfolded was better than just running it). Yet she kept coming back, in hopes of one day beating Applejack in the races… even if she never definitively knew whether or not Applejack actually participated in these races (racers were lead to the starting location already blindfolded). All she did know was that old Granny Smith was always there to bet big bits on her racer and Big Macintosh never showed any signs of fatigue or injury the following day, nor was there an Ardennes-sized trail of destruction in the streets.

Hours earlier Rainbow Dash had arrived at Twilight’s tree house to help her with a little experiment. Normally Twilight’s antics only spelled egg-head boredom for Rainbow Dash, but she owed the librarian one after she managed to trick Spike into sending a forgery of one of Twilight’s friendship reports to the Princess (much to Twilight’s confusion and embarrassment when the Princess wrote back asking when she was expecting).

Twilight explained to her that she had a theory about the passive magic that enables pegasi to fly. While it was common knowledge that this magic was concentrated in the wings (like a unicorn’s horn) the ability to physically interact with clouds seemed to hint at pegasi emitting an ambient magical field. Unicorns also have magical fields and those most attuned to magic could sense and in rare cases manipulate things within the field passively, hence why the most common starting specialization for those in the study of magic is “parlour tricks”.

Twilight often witnessed her friend perform such reckless and death-defying aerial tricks almost literally in her sleep (as the rainbow-maned pegasus often boasted). Rather than simply accept that her friend is a God among angels in flight, she set forth to determine if pegasi, or at least just Rainbow Dash, could sense things with their magical field and thus maintain constant spatial awareness even without sight.

She had planned a few simple and relatively safe tests, such as having Rainbow fly around stacks of books or around an area of Sweet Apple Acres. It was just a simple offhand jest on how dangerous it would be to fly about the streets of Ponyville blindfolded that had set off Rainbow Dash’s competition alarm, or so the lavender mare thought.

So now the two ponies waited in the street outside the library. One on the ground and the other high above in a hot air balloon. This street was not normally on the Voodoo race’s course, but Rainbow Dash figured she’d be able to “wing it”, so to speak. Fortunately it was a quiet weekend morning with the streets being mostly empty. Spike had not yet awoken, having spent last night on another of Twilight’s “Rarity induced” errands while she caught up in studying specific forms of magic she’d rather not have anyone (even the Princess) knowing she practiced. Spike had returned late that night curiously hogtied and covered in bruises, muttering something about babysitting the “Stupid Mark Idiot Monster Hunters”.

“It’s not that I don’t have complete faith in your skills, Dash. It’s just… well… this seems kind of… reckless and dangerous, even for you.” Twilight called out from her balloon, where she will observe Rainbow’s path through Ponyville.

She was understandably apprehensive of Rainbow’s current goal. While this would be the most direct way of getting conclusive data thanks to a variety of sensitive instruments aerodynamically duct-taped to Rainbow Dash’s body, she would never be able to live with the guilt if Rainbow Dash (or any of her friends) was injured because of her experiments (barring that one time when she discovered the magical properties of diamond dog gunpowder and spent the following week looking for Spike in the mountain range beyond Everfree Forest).

“Pfft, whatever! I’ve done WAY more reckless and dangerous stuff than this! Y’know why that hydra in Froggy Bottom Bay has four heads? Me ‘n’ Gilda went there years ago to film our entry for the Jackmule TV show!”

Rainbow Dash lifted her (already blindfolded) head in pride. On that day, Gilda got to show off her badass hydra fighting skills, while she got to experience being swallowed by one. They won the award for best stunt that season.

Shame that the show was canceled in Equestria before that episode could air. At least I’ll always be known as “Daregriff: the Mare Without Fear” in Gilda’s hometown Gryphomanum.

The only thing Rainbow Dash’s boasting did for Twilight is confirm to her that her friend would do any life-threatening thing if it somehow seemed “cool”.

“Well… if you’re really dead set on doing this-“
“DUH! In case you haven’t noticed, I’m all ready to go here!”
“You remember the course?”

Twilight had drawn out a course through Ponyville on a map, which Rainbow immediately rejected and scribbled over in favour of one that more closely followed the course of the Voodoo races. Twilight didn’t object, seeing as it was up to the subject to remember to follow the course.

“Yeah yeah, I’ve done it a million times already! It-uh, it’s one of my, um, weather patrol routes. Yes. We have those.”

Rainbow Dash hadn’t told the librarian about the races, rules 1 & 2 of the Voodoo club.

“Well okay, in that case…” Twilight made one last check of her measuring equipment before slowly forming a sparking spell.

“On your marks…”

Rainbow Dash spread out her wings and crouched into a wide stance, legs ready to spring up for take-off.

“Get set…”

I’ll show that egg-head, I can do ANYTHING when it comes to flying, and then do it again blindfolded! Once I fly the course I’ll get a much better feel of it than running, then I can beat Applejack and be crowned the Voodoo runner prodigy!

The racing mare tensed up and let out her favourite battle-cry in the final second as Twilight prepared to fire her spell.

“Let’s DO THIS!”

*CRACK*

*CRASH*

“WHAT THE BUCKING LUNAR HELL!?”

Pete Brown was almost hysterical in a maddening mix of utter confusion and boiling anger. The burly brown pegasus descended down to where the Ponyville delivery caravan lay upside down, the front half that contained the driver’s seat where the magic locked brakes were held (an expensive upgrade) was submerged in four feet into the dirt road of the Ponyville street.

The whole thing was also, somehow, on fire.

Fortunately, the two draft pegasi were not on duty due to being on a lunch break. They were now staring out of a nearby café window in total shock. Two pegasus mares stood beside the wreck, guilty expressions on their faces. Flaming packages and mail littered the disaster zone like presents and confetti, as if Pinkie Pie held a postal-related party out on the street that went horribly, horribly wrong.

“OH CELESTIA YOU CRASHED MY BUCKING VAN!” Pete howled at the two young delivery mares. “I TURN MY BACK FOR FIVE BUCKING MINUTES AND YOU CRASH MY BUCKING VAN!”

The grey mare with a blonde mane and seven bubbles on her flank looked up and gave a sheepish wall-eyed chuckle.

“W-well you always said you wanted to replace the old thing and since it was insured-“

“THIS ISN’T BUCKING FUNNY!” Pete threw his black cap on the ground in rage.

Behind him colt adorned in a navy coloured uniform that matched his coat cautiously approached the scene of postal apocalyptica.

“I’m a police pony, what happen-“

“THESE BUCKING FOALS BROKE MY VAN!” Pete roared without turning to address the newcomer. It took every bit of his mental strength to not buck his two employees’ heads in.

“HOW THE BUCKING LUNAR HELL DID YOU CRASH THE VAN!? I TOOK OUT THE BUCKING KEYS! IT WAS MAGIC LOCKED! IT CANNOT PHYSICALLY MOVE WITHOUT THE BUCKING KEYS!”

The golden mare with a blue mane and a raindrop cutie mark spoke up this time.

“W-well we saw there was a-an important light s-sensitive package in the front seat a-and it was in the sun s-so we went in to move it out when the van j-just suddenly started moving! We swear we didn’t touch anything!”

These two mares had always been trouble for Pete. He employed them because he felt sorry for them. He heard that nopony would hire the grey one, Derpy, just because of her funny stare, and her friend Raindrops had a reputation of being a little slow. Pete always believed in giving others a fair go, and hired the two ponies after meeting them and seeing their honest intentions to work.

He learned that day to never be prejudiced towards a pony, as all the things he heard about them were wrong.

He also learned the real reason the two ponies couldn’t hold down a job.

They were cursed.

There was no other explanation to the mind-boggling misfortune that struck whatever task they were doing, no matter how dedicated they were to it. The grey one was a bit of a scatterbrain and extraordinarily clumsy, while the gold one tended to think with some extremely weird logic.

A week after being hired there was an incident where Raindrops insisted on suddenly unloading the deliveries in the van mid-air because she heard somepony yell “itchy whales!” which was apparently a military code-phrase for “there’s a bomb in the cargo!”, whereupon Derpy promptly dropped every delivery item in the van on some poor mare’s head. The aftermath was a pile of destroyed goods and an already crippled pony being sent back to the hospital. She got better, thankfully.

Despite these incidents, there was something about their innocence and desire to prove themselves that kept Pete from firing the two unfortunate mares. They provided a good laugh every now and then. They were the reason he went to Canterlot and payed a lot of bits to install the driver’s seat that could magically brake and lock the vehicle from any movement, just to accommodate the antics of his two special employees.

However, the current situation was pulling his patience paper thin.

Pete rubbed the sides of his head with his hooves.

Calm down ol’ Pete, they didn’t mean no harm. You told ‘em to take care of the packages and that’s exactly what they did. You can’t be mad at a pony just doin’ their job. Hell, you should be impressed they remembered what you told ‘em.

He was about to open his mouth to forgive the two when Derpy spoke up.

“Also the muffins were getting hot in the front seat and I may’ve bucked the hand brake trying to get to them…” Derpy gave another sheepish wall-eyed smile, ignorant of the fact she had somehow broken the expensive Royally-certified enchantments through sheer overpowering unluckiness.

It was the straw that broke the draft horse’s back.

“You… you… you… BAREBACK BARN-SOUR THRUSH-RIDDEN FROG-HUFFING FARRIER-STUFFING CHESTNUT-GRINDING BEAT-BALKING GLASS-EYED CURRY-COMB LAME-LEGGED WEANLINGS!”

The sudden explosion of obscenities caused nearby bystanders to faint, and bring the two deliveryponies to frightened tears. The two mares huddled together as they felt themselves wilting under the now unbridled fury of their boss. Pure anger overcame self restraint and he began to scream whatever came to mind.

“I PAYED OVER FIVE THOUSAND BITS TO INSTALL ROYALLY APPROVED MAGIC BRAKES JUST FOR YOU TWO AND YOU DESTROY THE WHOLE CARAVAN IN RETURN!? THAT CARAVAN BELONGED TO MY GRANDFATHER YOU HALF-WITS! I have half a mind to buck the two of you back into the last millennium and let the WARRING PRINCESSES sort you out! You… YOU…”

He braced himself as he prepared to utter the foulest obscenity in all of Equestria.

DOUBLE GELDING

“Dash! Look out for the-“
*THUNK*

Anypony who hadn’t already fainted would’ve probably lapsed into cardiac arrest at hearing such a horrible curse. The silence following the shocked gasps allowed everypony present to hear the sound of something hitting into the (mercifully, now only smouldering) wreck of what was the Ponyville delivery caravan while travelling at high speeds. The police pony shook himself from his swear-induced stupor to check side of the van where the sound originated from.

“Um… is this mare one of yours?”

Author’s notes:
Pete Brown is Derpy and Raindrops’ boss in FPK (I gave him a variation of one of his popular names, the name is a reference to Pete of Disney fame).

I decided to have a different characterisation of Derpy. I don’t know where “Derpy the sole mailmare” idea came from since she’s just shown to be a clumsy deliverypony working under Pete. As cute and endearing as the speech-impediment/mentally handicapped characterization of her is, I prefer to think of Derpy as just a clumsly airheaded pony, as she’s shown as being perfectly capable of functioning in Ponyville (she was part of the judgmental fashion crowd in Green Isn’t Your Colour) and that her derp eyes is a thing she can do voluntarily (she’s seen derp’d and underp’d in the same episode in the episodes following FPK) and she does it all the time just ‘cause.

Raindrops is characterized due to her cutie mark and the phrase “waterhead”: , specifically the mild definition “someone who lacks common sense and intelligence”. I can’t believe there aren’t more Derpy & Raindrop fics.

The first part of the mail scene is a reference to the sequel of the infamous moonbase alpha video that spawned the meme that is quite popular amongst the other pony-crossed memes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8uLT_EIJjs.

For the purposes of making said reference and the direction of the story, I made up a sort of “magical driver’s seat w/ brakes” for the purpose of the story. They function like the superfluous train engine in Over a Barrel. It has a key that allows the brakes to be engaged/disengaged. Once engaged the vehicle is prevented from moving, frozen in space. A powerful and expensive magical charm purchased and installed in Canterlot, mostly applied to flying vehicles (presumably including the royal chariot) where brakes are important for allowing the vehicle to be suspended in the air without pulling and to prevent it from being taken out of the air forcefully, while not significantly adding to the weight while boosting the ambient magical charm that allows it to fly in the first place. Broken by the sheer power of Derpy’s derp curse.

Verse 1: Stable of Evil, the Bronc and the Broodmare

An impenetrable fog clouded Rainbow Dash’s vision. The air was dense and smelled of decaying leaf litter. She found herself standing once again on the other side of a broken bridge in the middle of the Everfree Forest.

Rainbow… Rainbow…

“I ‘aint scared of you! Show yourself!”

The azure pegasus reared onto her hind legs, kicking at the fog with her forehooves at some unforeseen threat.

We’ve been eagerly awaiting the arrival of the best flyer in Equestria…

Rainbow Dash peered into the fog, not suspecting a response like that. Who would be waiting for Spitfire in the Everfree Forest? Were the Wonderbolts secretly training here? Wait, what if they were talking about Soarin’? Rainbow Dash had often wondered who the best flyer amongst her idols was. Perhaps this voice held the answer.

“Who?”

Why, you, of course!

“Really!?” It took her a moment to realize the voice was complimenting her.
“I mean, Oh yeah, me!” It was nice to know she had fans even in this Princess-forsaken cesspit. Perhaps with a large enough fanbase the Wonderbolts would finally take notice of her.

“Hey, uh, you wouldn't mind telling the Wonderbolts that, would ya? 'cause I've been trying to get into that group for like, ever.”

No, Rainbow Dash. We want you to join us, The Shadowbolts.

She heard the sound of hooves in full gallop. Three pegasi emerged from the fog and slid to a stop in front of her. The leader a white mare with a sky blue mane grinning proudly, flanked by two colts with darker coats and navy blue manes who wore stoic expressions on their face. Their full-body suits were reminiscent of the ones The Wonderbolts wore, but were black and purple. Their emblem a winged skull, reminding Dash of her favourite band; Avenged Sevenfoald.

As if some unknown force was reading her thoughts, The Shadowbolts struck new poses as the monstrous guitar riffs of Synyster Gaits and Jacky Vengeance roared out from all over the forest, sending skull-headed bats screaming out from the unseen canopy line. The sound swirled in a cacophony of noise before coalescing into the familiar chugging riff of The Shadowbolts’ theme, one of Rainbow’s favourite songs.

The song faded enough for her to hear the leader of The Shadowbolts speak.

“We're the greatest aerial team in the Everfree Forest, and soon we will be the greatest in all Equestria.”

The leader suddenly flew up and hovered next to her ear.

“But first, we need a captain…”

Dash’s face lit up as the (curiously seductive) voice whispered into her ear. Her eyes glistened as she took in the magnitude of what the voice was saying. A chance to lead her own flying team! Even if she never heard of this team before, with her at the helm she would turn the team into a breakout act, and gain enough popularity to attract more fans, more sponsors and may even lead to a tour with The Wonderbolts themselves! Maybe once she’s proven her skills, won a few awards, she would get the chance she was waiting for her whole life; a chance to join The Wonderbolts.

In the back of her head, another voice spoke, the sneering yet equally seductive singing voice of M. Skyros.

There's more than meets the eye round here, look to the waters of the deep…

Rainbow Dash felt something change in her mind at that moment. A sudden crack in the fog encapsulating her stagnant mind, letting in a rush of air. The aromatic smell of freshly baked goods filling her senses as she entered a certain bakery. A wave of clarity dawned on her, along with a powerful feeling of familiarity, as if she’d already experienced this moment. For the first time in her memories, certain things occurred to her about the situation she was reliving.

“The most magnificent-“

“Wait a second!”

The Shadowbolt leader was surprised at the interruption, and flew back between the other two members.

“NOPONY lives in the Everfree forest! How can you be the best aerial team in a place without any other ponies? If you’re as good as you say you are, how come I haven’t heard about you in Aerial Aces Weekly? They always run stories on even new talent from everywhere, even in Gryphomanum. From the customized skysuits I’d say you already have funding, yet how can you not have a captain? Why were you waiting for me here of all places? And most importantly, why is your offer of team captain only valid if I abandon my friends? It’ll take all of five seconds to fix this bridge and if you’ve made it so far without a captain, I don’t understand why you guys can’t just wait a minute for me to finish my business. If you knew I’d be here, you should know what I’m doing and why it’s more important than anything. Why were you waiting for me anyway? Isn’t it protocol to first forward an official letter through the Olympus Aerial Guild? You are registered there right?”

The Shadowbolts were left dumbstruck by the sudden onslaught of questions. Rainbow Dash looked at the now slack-jawed pegasi with suspicion. The leader opened and closed her mouth, desperately trying to formulate some response, until she suddenly turned to her compatriots with a look of anger.

“PLAN B! PLAN B!”

The three pegasi suddenly collapsed into a pile of cosmic smoke. It began to churn in on itself, growing darker and larger with each violent movement. The remaining pegasus stepped back as the swirling vortex grew higher than the forest canopy, belting forth black winds that dissipated the fog and threatened to send her into the ravine. The background music reached a chaotic crescendo and howled above the sounds of the reshaping darkness. In an instant the winds stopped and the black mass erupted in a primal scream, the form of an almighty black dragon unfurled from the darkness, sickly green flame oozing out from its giant maw. It spoke in a voice as deep and fierce as a manticore’s roar.

"Your friends can’t protect you from me forever. In your heart, there is darkness just waiting to be awakened."

Fear ran through azure mare’s body. This dragon of darkness was far more threatening than the red dragon she and her friends banished, the gaze of its flaming eyes was like staring into Hades itself.

“I… I don’t know if I can do this on my own…”

"You won't ever be alone sugarcube…”

Rainbow Dash looked over her shoulder at the origin of the new voice. Behind her stood Applejack, clothed in a green vest and baggy yellow leggings, her Stetson accompanied by red goggles. A round blue shield was strapped to her right hoof.

“It's always been the three of us and we stick together, ah-yup..."

The earth pony smiled and motioned to her left. Next to her, trying in vain to hide behind a crystal rod was Fluttershy, wearing a blue jacket and matching beret.

“Oh… um… quack?”

She smiled at her friends and turned back to face the black dragon. The thought of her friends behind her was enough for her to face down the looming darkness.

"That's not true! The heart may be weak, and sometimes it may even give in. But I've learned that deep down, there's a light that never goes out!"

She pointed a giant key at the beast which was joined by the rod and shield of her friends, now standing by her side.

“My friends are my power!”

The dragon howled in laughter at the ponies’ pathetic display.

"You poor, simple fools! You think you can defeat me?! ME, the mistress of all evil?!"

The dragon landed on all fours and barrelled towards the three ponies. Bracing themselves, they galloped to meet the beast. As they drew close, Rainbow Dash took to the air, giant key clenched in teeth, and aimed to strike down on the head of the beast. It raised its head to meet her and prepared to launch a torrent of green flame.

“WAIT!”

A shrill voice took the attention of all those involved in the battle and even the dragon stared in confusion as a pink shape came bouncing out from the trees.

The pink mass came to a halt in front of Rainbow Dash, who had lowered herself back to the ground. She met the newcomer’s face to see huge puppy-dog eyes.

“How come they’re your best friends Dashie? What about me? What about all the fun things we did together? All those special moments we had? How come I don’t get to be a part of this?”

Pinkie Pie was on the verge of tears at being completely left out of her best friend’s dream. Rainbow Dash grasped for a response, but was halted by the sudden realization that she had no idea what was going on. Fortunately, Applejack was the first to respond to this new awkward situation.

“Consarn’ it Pinkie! Y’are too part o’ this!”

Applejack pointed a hoof behind the dragon at the decrepit tower where the Elements of Harmony were held. From one of the top windows of the tower a pink pony reached out, dressed in some sort of school uniform, holding a short improvised banner that read: ‘SAVE ME RAINBOW DA’.

At the sight, Pinkie Pie’s sad expression was swept away by one of pure joy. She leaned in close to the confused pegasus (who shared a confused look with the dragon she was supposed to be slaying) with a teasing expression.

“I’m the love interest!? OooooOOOOooooohh Dashie, I didn’t know you thought of me that way…”

Before she could reply, she found her lips tasting Pinkie Pie’s strawberry flavoured tongue. In her panicked struggle to free herself from Pinkie’s lustful embrace she fell off her haunches and now found herself smothered under kisses and inappropriate touches from the hyperactive party pony.

“Oh Dashie! Our love makes the whole earth move!”

“Um… I don’t think that’s coming from you two…”

She managed to push Pinkie off her and looked to Fluttershy, who herself had stopped hiding her eyes in embarrassment and was now staring fearfully in the direction Pinkie originally appeared from.

Rainbow Dash followed Fluttershy’s eyes through the trees of the forest and noticed a blinding white light in the distance, growing larger with each second. She realized that the ground beneath her was beginning to shake violently, and the white light was the source of it.

“Um… Pinkie?” Fluttershy slowly turned to the pink pony. “How… how did you get in here?”

“Like I usually do,” Pinkie said with a joyful hop. “I just found Dashie’s dream and let myself in!”

A howling wind began to whip up around them, forming a great vortex that pulled everything in the vicinity. The entire forest seemed to disintegrate before Rainbow Dash’s eyes. Trees began uprooting, the soil they stood on unravelling, even the dragon appeared to be dissolving into a wave of speckled blue smoke that was drawn out in a long spiral towards the light. With a roar the dragon collapsed into a plume of cosmic dust and was swept away in an instant. The swirling matter concentrating at the hole in her dream gave the appearance of a galaxy drifting off into space, like the ones Twilight pointed out when the group went out stargazing. Behind her the sound of cracking stone signified the forgotten tower crumbling away, sending the other Pinkie into the light.

“Darn’ it Pinkie, what did I tell you ‘bout closin’ the door behind ya!?” Applejack yelled over the deafening roar of wind, digging her shield into the ground in an effort to resist the pull of the swirling vortex. Rainbow Dash could just make out a high-pitched squeal of terror as she saw Fluttershy tumble through the air behind Applejack.
“Ah’ told ya, ya damn filly! Ah’ told ya about makin’ dream holes!”

“It keeps happening!” Pinkie yelled back. She still had her hooves wrapped around her new love, while Rainbow Dash struggled to remain on the ground. Her forehooves wrapped around a large rock that fortunately was embedded far enough into the ground to not give way. The strong winds lifted the two off the ground and Dash had to struggle to maintain her grip.

“What the hay is going on!?” She tried to yell above the noise over her shoulder. As she readjusted her grip she saw Pinkie Pie’s face; a mask of pure joy, as if their whole predicament was just some sort of game.

But then, perhaps it was? What other reason was there for what was happening? That one second they hung in the air seemed to slow to an eternity for Dash as she looked towards her joyful pink friend. Who couldn’t help but envy that unshakable carefree attitude? It was one that seemed as if it could lighten any situation, brighten the darkest nights and lift one’s spirits to the stars above. It was something that reminded Dash a lot about herself.

“Don’t worry Dashie, this is my favourite part of dream hopping! It may seem scary but it’s really fun, just take my hoof and let it come!”

There was something about the way Pinkie responded that laid all of Dash’s fears to rest. Her hooves slipped off the rock as she was pulled into the swirling vortex.

Suddenly, things didn’t seem so scary anymore. She didn’t care about the chaos that tore up the world around them, only the laughing friend at her side. What was there to worry about? She had always lived her life one day at a time, with her goal hanging high in Celestia’s sun. She wasn’t worried about what tomorrow held, she’d just let it come…

let it come…

let it…

---

Rainbow Dash opened her eyes to a blinding view of white, causing her to shut them again almost immediately. She blinked a few times until her eyes adjusted. Before her was an infinite expanse of white. A few feet away from her sat her pink friend, still dizzy from the sudden transition.

“That was the BESTEST DREAM ENDING EVER! It’s like a super fun roller coaster that’s gone off its tracks! Just like that one time at the Ponyville Fair! I don’t care what dream-Applejack says, I’m gonna do that in EVERY dream!”

“That’s great ‘n’ all Pinkie, but I’d prefer you not do that in my dreams” Dash said, trotting up to sit next to her still-hyperactive friend. “What exactly DID you do anyway?”

“I just came and visited you Dashie! It's been SO long since I've been out of my body with you. I always wondered what you’re dreams are like. I didn’t think you’d dream about black-snooty ‘cuz she’s all mean ‘n’ stuff, but you looked like you were having lots of fun fighting her! Oooh, I hope she comes back when we go back on air so we can all go fight her again and have lots of FUN doing it!” She threw up her hooves to accentuate the “fun” in her rant.

Rainbow Dash was on the cusp of pushing for further clarity of their situation, until she considered just who she was dealing with and decided not to press the issue, resorting to her standard response to the pink pony’s antics.

“Pinkie Pie, you are SO random.”

An indeterminable amount of time passed by with Pinkie Pie humming a song she was thinking up on the spot while Dash simply laid down on the indescribable white floor, as if trying to go back into her dream. Growing bored of having nothing to do anymore she sat up and turned to Pinkie.

“So, what do we do now? And no, we are not going to make out again.” She added, seeing Pinkie Pie give her a suggestive look. The pink pony rested her head in her hooves for a moment, before reaching into her puffy pink mane and pulling out a baking tray and a hacksaw.

“Wanna make cupcakes?”

Chapter 1: Wake Up Dead

Rainbow Dash opened her eyes to a blinding view of white, causing her to shut them again almost immediately. She blinked a few times until her eyes adjusted. Before her was an infinite expanse of whi- no wait, it was just the fluorescent lighting of the Ponyville hospital.

She was lying on a stainless white hospital bed. The room held six beds, three along each side, a standing curtain separating each. To her left the window curtains were drawn shut, though she could see the faint outline of daylight around the edges of the cloth. To her right was the door to the rest of the hospital. Ponyville seldom saw anypony seriously injured, and so the corridors of the hospital were silent in inactivity. The room itself was quiet, punctuated by the steady beep that told Rainbow Dash that she was still alive.

She attempted to sit up in her bed and was surprised to be met with no resistance, from either her injured body or any medical equipment attached to her. She gave herself a quick once-over, relieved to find nothing wrong with her. There wasn’t so much as a single bandage or bruise on her.

Well, looks like I’m okay. I don’t even know why they even bothered to check me in here. NOTHING can hurt the indestructible-

She stopped mid-thought.

Wait, why am I here again?

Her mind raced back, before the heavy-duty baking with Pinkie Pie in the space between dreams, before the memory that had been twisted by the unnatural presence.
She remembered soaring through a black void, aided only by her gut feelings to stop herself from crashing.
She remembered the trial she put herself through not just for Twilight’s experiment, but also for her own benefit.
She remembered the librarian’s voice overhead trying to warn her of something. She remembered the smell of burning paper and baked goods.
She remembered tasting steel for a split-second.

So I crashed, she thought, probably a food cart or something. I shouldn’t be surprised I’m fine, I’ve crashed into whole mountains with barely a fractured collarbone!

Content in her own apparent invincibility she raised her hoofs to throw off her covers and get out of bed. She raised them again to throw off her stubborn covers. She raised her hooves a third time, much more frustrated now, to throw off the white covers that seemed to loosely cling to her body. In her frustration she took off from the bed, flying in tight circles around the small room to try and throw off the clinging sheet of cloth.
What the hay is this!? I can’t see under this sheet! Wait, I can see from under this sheet?
She stopped, hovering above her hospital bed. It occurred to her that although she appeared to be draped under some sort of material, she had no problem seeing through it, or seeing herself.

As she looked down to her bed she noticed three things.

One; the stainless white of the bed sheets was actually due to the strange cloth that covered her while she was lying down. Looking at it now she could see the sheets actually still held a few unsightly stains from when the hospital wards were full from food-poisoned patients from Applejack’s “baked bads”. She had to admit, the hospital staff did a decent job cleaning that mess up, especially considering Pinkie Pie’s initial jet-stream of vomit that propelled her around the hospital ward like a violently-shaken soda bottle.

Two; she was still lying in bed, unconscious. Her head was wrapped in bandages and several cables were connected to her leading to the electrocardiogram that continued its reassuring beeping. Her bed covers weren’t ruffled in the slightest from her struggle to get up, which reminded her she was somehow staring at herself while hovering above her bed.

Three; at the foot of her bed a grey deliverymare was soundlessly sleeping, her hooves clutching a “Get well soon” card with a muffin on it.

Rainbow Dash, ever the observant quick-thinker, turned her attention to the most pressing of these observations.

Bed number 53? Ewww, that was Pinkie’s first bed! She totally hurled chunks all over it and I’m sleeping on it! Wait…

Her keen mind began to piece together the evidence before her.

THIS IS THE SAME ROOM THEY KEPT ALL THE MUFFIN-POISONED PONIES! EWWW! This whole place is covered in pony vomit! That’s disgusting!

She loudly retched as her own imagination conjured scenes of a gastro-intestinal armageddon that she was forced to bear witness to on that day, having been checked into the hospital after being launched into the balcony railing of Twilight’s library and falling unconscious. She began to think passing out due to injury was just becoming another one of her bad habits.

A soft murmuring brought her attention to the second most pressing issue.

Derpy came to see me? I didn’t know she cared, we don’t even hang out that much.

She lowered herself back onto the bed, lying in front of the sleeping grey pegasus. She couldn’t help but smile, Derpy looked the perfect picture of bliss while sleeping. She supposed she wouldn’t mind waking up to such a peaceful sight in the morning.
If she liked mares that way.
Which she didn’t.
She went through… great lengths to prove that point to her friends when the topic was brought up for discussion at one of Pinkie’s parties.

Still, she found herself subconsciously playing with the sleeping mare’s mane. Suddenly the deliverymare stirred, snapping her attention away from her thoughts and causing her to quickly shuffle into a “cool” pose. She had appearances to keep up, after all.

“Mmm…h-huh? Dash?” Derpy opened her eyes to see the rainbow-maned pegasus lying on her side trying to look as nonchalant as possible. She quickly sat up, eyes wide in attention as the purpose for her trip returned to her mind.
“Dash! You’re awake! You’re okay!” She lunged forward to grab Rainbow in a hug, which the receiving pegasus returned with one hoof in a casual manner.

“Of course! Nothing can keep me down for long!” Rainbow Dash less replied and more announced to no-one in particular. She turned towards the other pegasus for a more personal response. “Sorry to make you worry. I’m feeling fine right now.”

“Oh it’s okay, I was just feeling guilty about- oh! The card!” Derpy suddenly remembered the card in her hooves and quickly thrust it towards its recipient. Dash took the card and examined it more closely. The cover depicted a freshly-baked still-steaming muffin sitting on a baking tray, decorated with streamers and confetti. “Get well soon” was written in green icing on top of the baked treat. She didn’t have to look at the back to know it was a Sugarcube Corner greeting card. Inside the card the same muffin had a bite taken out of it, a generic message sprawled next to it. Below was Derpy’s messy hoofwriting.

dear rianbow dosh

sory for crashing the delvery van in front of you
I always say muffins make evrything better so you should eat lots of muffins to get better
seafoam says bluebery muffins are bestest for headaches
but I say banana ones are better
colgate is weird she likes minty muffins they taste weird shes weird
we should go out for muffins somtime
hope you recover quickly and arnt crippled

lots of love
derpy

Rainbow Dash chuckled at the sincere and cute message. She noticed a slip of paper in the card as well, a coupon for one bag of muffins valid at Sugarcube Corner courtesy of the “Muffin Club Crusaders”.

“Aw, thanks Derps. I’ll take you up on your offer sometime.” She smiled at the grey mare. She hadn’t really considered Derpy as one of her friends, but they had known each other for a long time. Maybe this was the starting point for a new friendship…

Derpy smiled back, crossing her eyes in her usual cute manner. Rainbow Dash would have to get use to that if she was going to hang out with her. Through her walled-eyes Derpy could see her new friend smiling warmly at her, and her new friend lying battered and unconscious in the hospital bed.

“Huh!?” she quickly refocused her eyes and stared at Dash lying in front of her and still smiling at her. She looked to her left and for the first time noticed another Rainbow Dash, this one still in bed. Her eyes darted between the two pegasi as she noticed that one of them was wrapped in bandages and not moving, while the other had some sort of transparent shroud surrounding her. Her normally unfocused mind quickly put together the most obvious conclusion, and a look of horror dawned on her face at the realization.

“Oh my Goddesses! I killed Rainbow Dash and now she’s come back as a ghost to haunt meeee!”

She stumbled backwards off the bed and continued till she reached the farthest corner from the double Rainbows.
The still conscious Rainbow Dash looked over to her unconscious counterpart, as if only giving it serious thought now. The electrocardiogram (or “beeping thingy” as she knew it by) still continued to assure her that she was alive, and it seemed her new ghostly form had no problem being noticed by others or touching things. As far as she was concerned, she wasn’t in any immediate danger.
Then again, as far as she was concerned she wasn’t in any immediate danger zipping through the streets of Ponyville blindfolded.
The sound of terrified sobbing halted Dash’s thoughts and brought her attention back to the deliverymare, trembling in a frightened wreck in the corner.

“T-this can’t happen! I’m too young to be haunted! What if I angered the ghost of Rainbow Dash? What if she haunts the whole Muffin Club? Wasn’t there another club we could call to deal with ghosts? Will she haunt my muffins? How will I eat muffins when they’re haunted? Will she possess my body when I eat her!? I don’t want to taste the rainbooowww!” Derpy’s ranting escalated into hysterics, before she settled for just crying into her hooves. Despite her own confusion at her current situation, Rainbow Dash knew she had to calm the frightened pegasus down before she could really do anything.

“Derps calm down, I’m not mad at you and I’m not gonna haunt you” she said, cautiously approaching her friend. Derpy looked up towards the poltergeist that had addressed her. She opened her mouth and tried to say something in between her sobbing. Dash smiled, hoping this meant she was calming down.

“G-g-g-g-giggle… a-at.. th-th-th-the ghost-t-ties…?”

Well, crap. This isn’t going to be easy…

One hour, two tissue boxes and a bag of muffins from the hospital canteen later, Derpy had finally come to accept that Rainbow Dash’s ghost was not a vengeful spirit and was not out to haunt her. The experience had been productive for the ethereal pegasus, as she found out she did indeed have many properties of a ghost when she wanted to. She discovered during her trip to the canteen that she could phase through walls when she wanted to, but unfortunately could not phase objects with her, much to the confusion of several orderlies at a floating bag of muffins gliding their way down the halls of the hospital. She also found she could alter her visibility, solidifying her shroud into a true ghostly visage or dissipating into an almost invisible cloud if need be. All this she found out through some trial and error, thinking up a whole new level of pranking; ghost pranking. The reactions of some staff and unfortunate patients gave her many new ideas for pranks. In fact, the only pony who didn’t seem fazed at all by her supernatural shenanigans was the lunch lady who pointed out that she took no liability as to what the hospital decides to serve their staff and patients.
Now the two mares were back in the room where the ghostly pegasus’ physical body lay. Derpy sat in front of a small desk eating her muffins while Rainbow Dash flew around the room, still getting use to phasing into things.

“I still feel bad…” Derpy began, sniffling as she finished the last muffin in the bag. “I mean, it is kinda my fault that you’re dead…”

“How many times do I gotta say it, I’m not dead!” Dash yelled, more in fear of the mere thought of being permanently dead than annoyance at having to repeat herself. “Beepy is still singing so that means I’m alive!”
She pointed towards the electrocardiogram, still amplifying the electrical changes on her skin caused by the heart muscle depolarization during each of her normally paced heartbeats. A passing janitor who overheard their conversation was surprisingly knowledgeable on the machine, although neither could really understand what he said and so at one point in their discussion the machine was referred to as “Beepy” and has been christened that ever since.

“But, you gave up your ghost, doesn’t that mean you’re dead?” Derpy asked. She raised a hoof to her chin and scrambled her eyes in thought.

“Not necessarily,” Dash replied, “didya see that one sappy movie about the mare who got into a carriage crash and ended up in a coma on the way to a blind date, and so then the colt moves into her apartment and her ghost ends up haunting him but in a good way and she has amnesia so they figure out who she is and they fall in love and then she wakes up and she doesn’t remember him but they’re still in love and then they kiss ‘n’ stuff?” she recounted the romantic comedy they saw the last time she and her friends had a group-sleepover, much to her and Applejack’s chagrin.

Derpy blushed suddenly. “Does that mean in order for you to wake up we gotta fall in love and then… kiss… ‘n’ stuff…?” She shifted in her seat timidly. “I-I’m not sure if I’m ready for that kind of commitment yet Dash, what will I tell Dinky?”

“W-what!?” Dash suddenly became flustered, breaking her concentration where she was hovering and sending her crashing onto the floor. “No, no! I’m just saying I could be having an ‘out of body experience’ or something, and I’ll just wake up later.”

“I don’t know Dash…” Derpy said from under the paper muffin bag where she was busy licking the crumbs. “You’re not like any ghosts I’ve heard of. Everyone can see ‘n’ hear you, and you can touch things too.” To prove her point, she extracted her head from the paper bag, rolled it up and tossed it towards the ghost mare. Despite her newfound ability to become intangible, Rainbow Dash instinctively caught the bag.
“See! You can touch stuff. You’re not like a normal ghost…” Derpy suddenly tensed up.
“Maybe you’re a… z-z-z-z-zombie!”

“No way!” Dash threw the trash up and bucked it into a nearby bin before phasing through the table where Derpy was eating. “Zombies can’t phase through stuff like this.”

“Maybe you’re a… s-s-s-super z-z-z-zombie!” Derpy suddenly became fearful again. Aw damn it, and I just calmed her down too!

“Don’t be ridiculous! I don’t want to eat anypony, and that wouldn’t explain why my body is still here- ALIVE no less.”

“Well, what do you think?”

“Hmm…” Rainbow Dash tried to think just why she was in her current state. She always knew she wasn’t like any other pony. She was at least 20% cooler than the next pegasus. Had her sheer awesomeness made her ghost so awesome that it could function just like her body? No, as cool as that would be. But there was something else about her, something definitely magical.

“Well, I am an Element of Harmony, that probably has something to do with it.” She nodded at herself, convincing herself that that was the answer. “Yeah, it has to be that.”

“Well… okay then. But what are you going to do now?”

Rainbow thought about this. It was a question that had bubbled in her head ever since she managed to stop Derpy from covering her ears and tearfully singing Pinkie Pie’s “Giggle at the Ghosties” song, (for use “when confronted by ghosts or ghostly beings” as the pink pony put it on the liner notes on her latest album “Filly-age Dream”). She should go see what happened to Twilight, the librarian was probably feeling pretty guilty about what happened. Of course, appearing in front of her as a ghost probably wouldn’t help at all, given Derpy’s reaction. In fact, she was starting to feel quite unsure of herself. She had no idea what was going on, and she’d bet even Twilight wouldn’t know what to do. It was a terrible feeling of uncertainty that slowly seemed to crush her spirits. She was in a seemingly impossible situation and although she didn’t want to admit it, she was scared. What if her time as a ghost was just a prelude to her death? What if there was something she needed to do while she was in this state? What would life throw at her next?

It may seem scary but it’s really fun, just take my hoof and let it come!

Pinkie’s words from a vision she shouldn’t remember surfaced in her mind, and the voice was right. As crazy as the situation was, she had to take what was given to her and do something about it.

Derpy was there with Twilight and her other friends before Dash gave up her ghost. The doctor had said something to the effect that she suffered no permanent injuries and would fully recover in a few days. If she was right and her current state was somehow due to her being an Element of Harmony, then there probably wouldn’t be anything to worry about. It didn’t seem like there was anything she could really do about it. She’d make a point to tell Twilight, but only once she’d found a way to break it to her without having the unicorn freak out.
Still… her new ghost abilities presented her with many unique opportunities. She already had a few laughs trying out her new ghost powers on the ponies in the hospital. A prankster at heart, there was no way she’d let this pranking opportunity pass her by. This was likely going to be her only chance at being a ghost, and she was going to play it right.

“Well, I don’t think there’s much point in me staying here” she shrugged. “I guess I should get out of this place.” She made her way to the window and prepared to phase out.

“Wait!” Derpy called out before the ghost mare could leave. “Didya have anything on you? I think the doctor put some stuff in the drawers over there.” She motioned a hoof towards the drawer next to the bed where the unconscious mare lay.

Rainbow didn’t recall having anything on her during the blind flight, but Twilight did strap a bunch of stuff to her. It wouldn’t hurt to check. Maybe her friends left something for her?

She quickly flew over to the furniture in question and quickly pulled out each drawer. The first contained her blindfold and some odd things that looked like it came from the equipment Twilight had strapped onto her. The second had some documents she neither understood nor cared about. The third drawer however, contained a few vials of drugs. They were clearly commonly used ones that had been left in the drawers out of convenience. While most held no interest in Rainbow’s magenta eyes, there was one label that did catch her attention.

Ketamine, 1000mg.

Now, most ponies in Ponyville know Rainbow Dash as the laid back yet loyal and hardworking weather pegasus that would never leave her friends hanging. What they don't know is that she's… dipped her hooves into the black end of the rainbow during her days in Cloudsdale, so to speak. After all, there was a reason that Gilda, ferocious and brutal even for a griffon, held a great amount of respect for the young sky-blue pegasus (and not just because of that one night at flight camp).
No, of the dubious activities she and her beast friend partook in, familiarizing themselves with the drug trade of Equestria was one of them. A successful venture that left the pegasus with enough bits to construct her own sky-mansion above Ponyville with a real flowing rainbowfall. This meant she knew of the uses of one of Equestria's more common drugs known as "Pony Tranqs" on the street. Medically, it was still used as an anaesthetic, generally in conjunction with either other drugs or unicorn magic. Recreationally it was a dissociative that produces short hallucinatory effects similar to another common drug known as "PrinCess Pure" or "Alicorn Dust". Dash had long left that part of her life behind, but she liked to think that a few hits here and there helped ease the stress of the various duties to her job, friends and dreams she was honor-bound to. She had a small stash of the less illicit drugs in her cloud home, ones she could excuse as being old prescriptions or not belonging to her without raising too much doubt, or at least suffer the lesser penalty if worse came to worse.

The vial in front of her had a thin layer of dust, probably recently forgotten. Ponyville's hospital was pretty lax about drug security with crime rates so low and drug addictions near-unheard of. This one vial would not be missed.
But if she took it, would that not be stealing? Something she was quite against. A quick look back at her own medical records, however, showed that she had been treated with Ketamine on arrival, so technically it was kinda like a doctor's prescription! That was all the self-convincing she needed to take it. Who knows, it may even help her get out of her ghost state if she took enough. Hell, for all she knew that was the doctor's plan all along!

But this presented a problem. She couldn't yet phase objects along with her. The windows in the room were oddly shut and locked, and she couldn't just float it down the halls, there's no way the staff (lax as they were) would allow that. She had to smuggle it out, just like the early days in the trade when she was the drug mule. But could she properly be a carrier in her ghostly state?

As her eyes glanced around the room for some sort of ideas, they found themselves resting on the cross-eyed mare still in the room with her.

"Dash? You okay? Do you need something?"

A slight grin crept onto the edges of Rainbow Dash's mouth. This time, she would be the one to pack her own mule.

"Hey Derps, you wanna truly make it up to me for makin' me push ghost-daisies?"

"Ghost daisies? What does that have with you being dea- oh! Absolutely Rainbow Dash, I'll do anything!"

"Great" Dash said, trotting up to Derpy with a sinister smile on her face.

"In that case… turn around and bend over..."

Verse 2, Stanza 1: The Seisure of 300 bits from a Freeter Unicorn in Ponyville

“Whoa!”

A rainbow-streaked blur crashed into the earth pony and unicorn mares below, sending up a plume of dirt from the dry path through Sweet Apple Acres. The apples the two had spent so long collecting (to be eaten or thrown out by the purple dragon on the unicorn’s back) exploded out of their baskets, destroying the productivity of the last three hours in an instant.

When the dust had settled (and all the apples spilled), the two mares could see just who had so rudely interrupted their conversation.

“Are we talking about The Grand Galloping Gala?” The newcomer asked, a hoof each resting on her two floored friends who seemed less than impressed by her sudden intrusion.

“Rainbow Dash…” Applejack began, pulling herself from under the pegasus. “You told me you were too busy to help me harvest apples. What were you busy doin’? Spyin’?”

“No,” the accused pegasus turned around sharply, flicking her mane dismissively. All eyes suddenly moved to the top of the tree where she fell from, a pillow and blanket precariously balanced on a branch.
“I was busy… napping”

In an instant the azure mare was somehow hovering upside down in front of the lavender unicorn.
“And I just happened to hear that you have… an... extra… ticket?”

“Yeah, but-“

“YES!”

Rainbow Dash screamed and immediately began somersaulting in the air.
“This is so awesome! The Wonderbolts perform at The Grand Galloping Gala every year!”

She looked up to the sky as she imagined her deepest desires coming true.

“I can see it now…”

“All rise for the oath of our order.”

Seven cloaked ponies rose from their seats around a round wooden table. The table was draped in navy blue cloth with a sun in the centre. From it seven lightning bolts radiated out, each pointing towards one of the seven ponies gathered around it.
The ponies all raised a hoof to the centre. Each hoof bore a blue hoofband with a small yellow gem the shape of a lightning bolt set in it.

“In brightest day, in blackest night,
We gather to watch our heroes in flight.
We who bask in thunder’s light,
Official Wonderbolts Fan club unite!”

All but one of the ponies took their seats. The standing pony lowered her hood to reveal a white pegasus mare with a sky blue mane.

“Forgive the sudden nature of this meeting, but sister Dash claims to have some urgent news.”

The speaker motioned towards the pony opposite to her who stood and drew back her own hood.

“Sisters,” Rainbow Dash began, “I have secured myself a ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala!”
There were a few incredulous gasps from the hooded ponies.

“That’s amazing!”

“I can’t believe it…”

“Sister Bolt should be the one to go.”

“The tickets are enchanted, forgeries won’t work.”

“This is no forgery Cloudkicker, I’ve been formally invited as a friend of the Princesses’ student.” Dash began to reply. “And as such only I can go. Lightning Bolt, this is the chance we’ve been waiting for! The chance for somepony in the Ponyville division to get a personal interview with our heroes!”

The unhooded white mare brought a hoof to her chin as she considered this news.

“This is indeed an opportunity of a lifetime, but just being invited to the Gala won’t guarantee you would be able to meet them.”

“I know,” Dash replied, looking over the other hooded ponies. “That’s why I need the help of our fellow members. Tracy Flash,”

A pony to her right lowered their hood to reveal a yellow pegasus mare with a centre-parted white-striped teal mane.

“I need you to get me a VIP press pass, fake it if you have to. That’ll get me into the VIP section. I’ll also need some cameras and recording stuff to do the interview.”

The yellow mare nodded, somewhat uneasily.

“They’ll probably be talking to all the ponies there so I’ll need the means to create a distraction. I can probably get those materials myself, but I may need some extra bits. I’m requesting to access the club’s funds.”

One of the cloaked ponies rose from her seat. “Sister Dash, that money was pooled together by all our members-“

“For situations just like this!” Dash interrupted. “I’ll mainly be buying prank items so it shouldn’t cost too much.”

Lightning Bolt held a hoof up to prevent the other pony from arguing further. “Sister Dash is right and so I will allow this. However, I would advise Sister Dash to be frugal with using the club's hard-earned funds."

Dash nodded before turning to her left and facing another hooded pony.
"This is our chance to put the club's grandest plans in motion. Rainbow Day, I'm enacting Operation Filly Flasher."

Another round of shocked gasps arose from the gathered cabal, although this time with an air of excitement. The hooded Rainbow Day spoke up.

"So that means you'll be needing some sparkling wine, a girdle, blankets, a trampoline, lamp oil, rope, smoke bombs-"

"Ball gags, fluffy pink hoof-cuffs, cello cases, rohypnol and chloroform." Dash finished listing for her. "We gotta make this count. Raindrops, I need you to come with me and have the caravan waiting just outside the palace to receive the 'packages'." The hooded yellow pegasus nodded in affirmation.

"Are you sure you're up to the task Sister Dash?" Lightning Bolt asked. Rainbow Dash gave her a look of steeled determination.

"120% sure. It will be a night to remember. A glorious new page in the Ponyville Chapter of the Bolter's legion, and I will be the quill that writes the passage." Rainbow Dash spoke with the grandeur of a rousing speech which had the effect of moving the rest of the council members to light applause.

Lightning Bolt motioned to the rest of the ponies. "Let us take a vote of approval. All in favor of approving Sister Dash's actions?"

A few hooves shot into the air immediately, others rose slowly with uncertainty. Still, after a few seconds every voting had their hoof up.

"And those against?"

The hooves lowered. A few seconds made it clear that, despite a few reservations, none opposed the notion.

"Then it is decided. The Ponyville legion of Bolters approve and support Sister Dash in her plan. Godspeed sister, do your chapter proud."

Rainbow Dash snapped to a quick salute before sitting back down into her seat.

"Now are there any other matters that require our attention?"

A gray hoof slowly raised itself.

“No Derpy, we are not going out for muffins.”

The gray hoof lowered as slowly as it was first raised.

“Anypony? No? Very well then. The 482nd Ponyville Bolter’s gathering is officially adjourned.”

“Um… you know… I’m pretty sure that, um, an emergency meeting like this doesn’t really, sort of, count-“

“Shush Fluttershy. The Nightmare take me if I let the stupid Manehattan chapter look busier than us. Stupid club-master. ‘The chapters in more established communities deserve more funding’, my flank! I’ll show them! Go ahead, give those stuck up pricks the bits we deserve, see if I give a f-“

“-uck.”

“Huh!?”

“Ah’ said,” Applejack began. “Could’ya hurry it up some Rainbow? If’n ya don’t mind I still got a lotta apple trees left ‘ta buck.”

“Oh, right.” The azure pegasus smiled sheepishly before turning back to the lavender unicorn.

“Don't you see, Twilight?” The excited pegasus lifted herself up in the air to animate what she was saying. “This could be my one chance to show 'em my stuff. You gotta take me!”

She brought her face mere inches from that of the Canterlot unicorn. Before either pony could react, Rainbow Dash suddenly found herself roughly pulled by her tail. She landed on her hooves and dug them into the ground to resist the sudden movement.

“Hold on just one pony pickin' minute here!” Applejack grunted through the multicoloured tail in her mouth. Dash quickly curled it away as the farmpony spat it on the ground with more spit than necessary. “I asked fer that ticket first!” She leaned into an accusing glare at Rainbow as she said this.

Rainbow Dash remembered this moment. She knew where this would lead to, they all end up arguing over the ticket and then realizing how bad they were making Twilight feel and they’d all get a free ticket anyway. She couldn’t help but feel that the Princess was at fault for the situation that ensured, having already met all of Twilight’s friends before. Probably engineered the whole thing to teach the egghead another friendship lesson. If it were her writing the friendship report, she knew what she’d write.

“Yo Principle Celest

Why would you only send me two tickets? You know I have FIVE friends and now they’re going ape-shit over them!

Did you forget or something? You met them all last week and I write to you about them EVERY DAY. Tirac's asscrack, our country is being run by a senile horned bat.

C'mon pops, get your shit together before you forget to raise the sun again.

Your unfaithful delinquent
Rainbow Dash”

In her mind, Rainbow Dash thought that was the level of informality Twilight operated with when alone with the Princess. At least, that’s the level of informality she was on with the Principle of the last flight school she attended.

However, she knew that right now Applejack was angry at her and had every right to be. Applejack was the one who staked the first claim to the ticket and Twilight had more or less agreed to it, and then she swooped in and tried to take the opportunity like a selfish vulture. It was only much later, after the Gala itself that she began reflecting on how poor a friend she had been in the past. The guilt of being the Element of Loyalty, yet also quite the selfish jerk at times hit her like a brick one lonely night. That night she reflected on ways she could’ve been a better friend in times past. In this moment, not only was she trying to steal something that her friend had already laid claim to (and ignored the fact that the decision belonged to neither of them), but she had also shirked her duty to help Applejack in order to lounge about in the very trees she was suppose to be bucking. On that night she resolved that she should’ve apologized to Applejack, to defer the decision to Twilight before starting an argument, or even just agree to help Applejack so that she could’ve been part of the conversation all along. That night she resolved that if she could, she would go back to this moment and fix her mistakes.

So why, in this moment she had dreamed of changing for the better, was she feeling so full of hate?

“You don’t deserve that ticket!” she yelled back, the anger in her voice twisting it until it sounded totally alien, yet horribly familiar. She pushed into her own glare so fierce it caused the receiving fampony to stumble onto her haunches in surprise. Applejack and Twilight both gaped at Rainbow’s outburst in shock. Applejack was the first to respond, meeting fire with fire.

“What the hay is wrong with you Rainbow!? Ah’ never knew you were such a selfish jerk!”

Selfish!? I’m not selfish! I’m the god-damned MILKPONY of generosity!

“Buck you Applejack! You’re so stubborn you can’t even see I’m doing you a favour!”

“What!?” Applejack almost screamed. Her face was flush red with anger, steam bellowed from her flared nostrils. She looked just about ready to rip off a pony’s head and eat their heart. Maybe I’m being too hard on her. it’s not her fault she doesn’t understand, Rainbow thought to herself. Other ponies can’t figure me out, they can’t process me, I don’t expect them to. You can’t process me with the normal brain.

Dash suddenly turned and pointed and accusing hoof at the stunned librarian.

“YOU!” she yelled. “This is your fault!” This jolted Twilight out of her shock, an indignant look on her face. Dash cut in before the lavender pony could defend herself.

“How could you lead Applejack on like that!? Even I know the Grand Galloping Gala is fully catered by the best chefs in the royal castle! It’s renown for being the one time where anypony can eat like the Princesses do. There’s no way Applejack would be able to sell anything there! And even if the food there wasn’t royal quality and free, she wouldn’t be able to open shop anyway! You of all ponies should know that all tradesponies, retail or market vendors require an official permit to sell anything, anywhere in Canterlot, and you can’t just get a permit on the day, you have to put a request in and wait months in hopes it gets through. I know because I once tried to sell some Wonderbolts merch for the Bolters Club there. Don’t you DARE say you didn’t know all that, I saw those open regional law books on your study table!”

By the end of the rant Twilight was on the verge of terrified tears, curled into a ball and wincing at everything the enraged pegasus had said. Dash smiled at the sight of the quivering wreck of a pony before her.
It’s about time she learned. She’s my friend, she’s part of my family. And if you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently.
A tense moment passed before she leaned back and gave the terrified filly an arrogantly patronising smile.

“Well, I can see that you feel bad about it. In my infinite wisdom and kindness, I forgive you. But you should probably apologize to Applejack.”

Hesitantly, Twilight got to her feet and walked over to where Applejack was.

“Applejack I’m sorry-“

Applejack held up a hoof to silence her. “No need ‘ta apologize sugarcube, ah’ know ya didn’t mean any harm by it.” The farmpony motioned to where the azure pegasus was standing.
“Though I wish Rainbow Dash wasn’t such a snake-eyed jerk about it.”

The words tore through Dash’s confidant façade like a bullet to the heart. What had she done? This outcome was even worse than what happened originally. She lowered her head in shame as she felt the unnatural feelings bleed out of her.

“AJ, Twi, I’m really sorry about that, it was totally uncalled for. I don’t know what came over me. If it’s any help, I won’t ask for the ticket anymore. It’s Twilight’s ticket and it’s up to her to decide.”

She nervously pawed at the ground while waiting for a response from her friends. Was it too late? Had she already ruined things beyond fixing?
Applejack was the first to speak.

“Well, that’s mighty respectable for you to pony-up like that and apologise for your mistakes. Why, in fact ah’ don’t think you’ve ever done that before.”

Don’t get used to it, she fought against herself to not think out loud. What was wrong with her today?

“And you’re right,” Applejack continued, “It’s up ‘ta Twi to decide, and with what ‘ya told me it sounds like I’d just be running a huge loss tryin’ ‘ta sell mah’ wares at the Gala. Not to mention, ‘ah wouldn’t be enjoyin’ it for the occasion.”

Stupid mule, you had no right to doubt me. That was it, she couldn’t continue like this. Rainbow Dash shook her head violently, as if trying to detach whatever venomous creature had latched onto her thoughts. She felt her whole world shake around her, almost as if she was falling into the white void again. Something seemed to tear itself from her mind, eliciting a small gasp of pain from the pegasus. When she finally stopped and looked up she saw Twilight looking at her with a smile.

“Well, if you’re so sure about this then I guess I’ll take you to the Gala, Dash.”

She made to go for another round of aerial somersaulting, but the thought of recent events made her decide to celebrate in a more controlled manner.

“Thanks a bunch Twi, you don’t know how much this means to me!”

Twilight smiled before tucking her khaki undershirt into her white rayon bellbottoms. That’s odd, Dash thought, I don’t remember any of us wearing clothes a second ago…

“You’re going to need plenty of legal advice before this thing is over,” the librarian said. “And my first advice is that you should rent a very fast car with no top and get the hell out of Ponyville for at least forty-eight hours.”
She shook her head sadly. “This blows my weekend of studying, because naturally I’ll have to go with you.”

“Why not?” The rainbow-maned pegasus offered. “If a thing like this is worth doing at all, it’s worth doing it right. Well need some decent equipment and plenty of cash on the line- if only for snacks and a super-high quality video camera, for the sake of a permanent record.”

Twilight took a moment to digest what her pegasus friend said. “Well,” she began, “as your attorney I advise you to buy a flightsuit. How else can you cover a thing like this righteously?”

“No way,” Dash replied. “Where can we get a hold of a Luna Black Shadowbolt?”

“What’s that?”

“A fantastic suit. The new model is something like twenty thousand cubic inches of zero porosity double ripstop fabric tied up with polyfill corespun thread with durable oxford nylon for reinforcing, neoprene collars and a total weight of exactly one point four two kilos."

“That sounds about right for this gig.” The attorney-librarian replied.

“It is” Dash assured her. “The bucker’s not much for turning, but it’s pure hell on a slipstream. It’ll outfly the Wonderbolt standard suit until we reach mach 1.”

“Mach 1? Can you handle that much drag?”

“Absolutely. I’ll call Cloudsdale for some bits.”

They turned and began walking down the road that lead out of Sweet Apple Acres to prepare for their trip.

“By the way,” Twilight turned to ask, “How’d you do that thing with your eyes? Is it kinda like Fluttershy’s ‘stare’ thing?”

“Eh, something like that... I guess...?” Dash replied. Truthfully she had no idea what Twilight was talking about, but the way things seemed to be going there didn’t seem to be much point in questioning anything, and just treating it all like a day with Pinkie Pie.

Especially not with that annoying noise that was slowly working its way into her head again.