I'm Transgender... Documentation Biographyby BLANKDeadChaptersUgh... I don't know... *Embarrassed blush* 11/7/14Dysphoria Updates (Mature)11/8/14 Time and other stuffThese New Feelings Update: 12/14/14Girlfriends Update (;12/21/14 A Bad Day Trans Problem Day.2015... 'New Years Celebration Experience'Birthday Experience 1/25/15Trangsender, Transexxual, Sex, Biological Male Dreams Updates! (Mature)I fucking hate being transgender thoughts! (Mature)To get a girlfriend updatesHer 1/20/15 - How it startedUgh... I don't know... *Embarrassed blush* 11/7/14Ugh... I don't know... *Embarrassed blush* 11/7/14 Updated 11/7/14 8:30 PM: Hey guys, I am Andre. I am a transsexual boy, not man yet. I am only 14, almost turning 15 next month on the 25th. But I personally believe that I turn 15 when the month starts. I can't wait to turn 15, I will be older and closer to starting horomones and gender therapy. Right now I really can't start it, because my mom disapproves it. She thinks it is disgusting. How do I know? Simple, yesterday: Mom: Why don't you want makeup? Me: I-I do... It is just that not for school, more like parties and going to casual places and grandmas... Mom: Oh, that is fine! Just as long as you're not thinking like you use to. Me: N-No, of course not... I am a girl. *Weak smile* Mom: That is great, sweetie. Don't be like that it is disgusting and I need to go back to work now. When she left I started thinking. I am disgusting to her... But I don't feel so bad. I was use to this kind of bull shit. Why? Because back in 2013 August, don't remember the day... I was first believed to be transgender. I don't know what the hell happened, but just suddenly it happened. I will add more information about this maybe later, this is really a big document. I indeed have documented before, and I sadly had to get rid of the papers cause of my ex-girlfriend Sarah. She was a bitch... There, I said it. I don't even know why I even dated her. It was funny, cause I had this really big crush on her back then. But yeah, my mom was disappointed when she first heard about it. She was very sad and disgusted. She treated me badly, and never the same after that... Everytime I talked to her I can sense so much negativity and disappointment in her voice. It was like she secretly hated me, but was forced to love me and take care of me. I never understood why herself was like this... I guess she didn't want me to go to hell, she is super religious. One of the reasons why I actually stopped myself from being this way. Well at least I tried to stop myself from being transgender/transsexual. One day they went away or something, and I was walking in my room. I was like, what the hell? Why am I wearing this? I am not a boy... I am gonna go to hell. Basically thinking like that, but... Well, After minutes that felt like hours of thinking like this I gave up on my dream. I had to let it go, I thought. I didn't want to go to hell... I for once thought I was gonna be happy. When I was clearly happy, but not as happy... I had gone through so much, to get to where I wanted to be. I had a very slow and painful transition mentally and not so physically. I had finally gotten to T-shirts and super boy hair cut! My mind had been changing, it had been closer to accepting myself. My mind went through so much damn pain and dysphoria. The dysphoria I had that was major... My chest, I fucking hated my chest. Still do kinda. Well I would cry and get stressed when I could make it flat. Took me a while to find a way... Got super stressed and bad when someone asked me about me binding my chest. I always lied saying I had a binder, when I truly actually wore 3 sports bras. After a while got three spandex tank tops, wear them here and there. I am feeling terrible while I am writing this... Like, I feel like something tight in my stomach is getting pulled out but it is stuck. My stomach feels like it is holding something heavy. Each time I sigh it kind of gets released but then grows back into a ball... I don't know what it is, but it feels like this while I write this fuckery out. This is hard for me... Really it is. Last updated 11/7/14 at 8:50 PM. Updated again on 4:24 PM So... I feel bad. Like I really just wanna leave this place, called Grandma's house. I mean I am pretty damn miserable at my own home, but not as miserable as here. I remember last year back when my grandma had told me about my trans problem... It hurts being here... I wish I could be accepted and be in a place where I was completely comfty. No matter how much I will try to be happy, I will always feel damn bad in the inside. I can't explain why, but this house just makes me feel a bit bad. I am thinking that this time and tomorrow, my stupid "Birthday Celebration" will be the last time I will be coming here. I feel sick, just like my dad has. I never understood why he never went outside, but now I do in some kind of way, in my own way... we're both sick, people like me just can't be let outside either. I feel like I ruin everyone's time, god damn it. If something bad kinda happens I just snap and go crazy. It has been getting worse, and I know I will end up loosing it really badly one of these days. Hell! Might even be tomorrow, god only knows. So yeah, I don't wanna come by this house never again unless I have to. I don't give a damn fuck who the hell is here, I never wanna come back. I know I will sometimes, but not really. At least whenever I can't come. I will finally be at peace when that happens. Still sad, but finally better. I feel so damn sad sitting here, I just wanna be home and think. I wanna cry. Again. You see, I store so many bad feelings inside myself and when something badish or something that makes me feel uncomfty, I just wanna loose it. When I am at home this barely happens, because at least I can prevent shit from happening. I know I am not ready to cry everything out... I am a new man of 2015, not the same man of 2014. And this year I will be fucking happy to the best of my abilty! I hope... So yeah, I am gonna stop here till another day. Andre at 4:38 Dysphoria Updates (Mature)Update 11/7/14 8:52 PM: I really actually don't even know... I am myself completely confused. When I look at the mirror I just see two balls, and play with them. Their pretty damn soft, I noticed that they got bigger for some reason when I went back to being trans. I want to be so upset over this, but I have no emotions right now... For days now... I want this to stop, and have my damn emotions back so I can figure shit out. But I feel like I can't even figure anything out like this... I wanna give it time I really do. Have you ever lost your emotions? Well, I loose them a lot more than usual when I am this way. I mean, I of course laugh and smile and all that shit... But at the end of the day, I am sad as hell or nothing at all. I just don't know... I am literally wishing to get my dysphoria horrible so I can get that surgery... I am scared out of my fucking mind about the therapist. I mean what if he/she rejects to write me a letter? What if I go to the therapist for years!? And never get that fucking letter!. Please, I just dont know... I already feel like I won't get those horomones, cause they could either tell me I am gender-fluid or a stupid crossdresser or even a fucking human with no gender/sex! I don't wanna be considered as neither of those... I just want this shit over with, I just want to get the surgeries when I can. I have no idea how I am gonna get enough money though... My only fear I guess well many too, sex change reassignment surgery is a big deal! I will be changing my genitals, this is big. Don't mind my chest, don't really give a fuck. Flat chest, cool bro. Feels weird having round lumps on my chest area, the hell is this shit? Penis, yeah why not bro. I want to fuck lots of chicks afterwards. I am a horny boy, and let me have them sexy erections... I want to get the metaplasty or however you spell it and the phalloplasty. And get rid of this uterus if that possible, and get some balls. The biggest balls in the world. Okay, well really big... I already decided, take skin off my legs doc. Just get this shit over with. I had a sexual day dream. Some guy named Ronnie, well I imagened him on top of me while I lay on my stomach with my dicks flapping around the whole place with his. Then it flashed to me groping sime chicks boobies... And having my dick stuck in her anus, oh it is turning me on while I think about it! Man I would have the biggest boner if I could. Once I get on hormones if I do I hope, I so will learn to masturbate the good way, and pleasure myself. I mean I might play with myself, but I never actually enjoy it... I never felt senseation unless I get on top of the blanket and fucking hump it hard with sexy porn images in my head of boobies and sex! All that, it is so hot. But when I try to fingure myself it like... Well feels like nothing, and so does massaging my man boobs and dont get me started with the clit. No senseation unless am humping something which I see my guy form doing i am my guy form... And they say shit like i would be able to pleasure a girl better cause I was once one! BITCH OLEASE I WAS A ALWAYS A BOY AND I NEVER KNEW HOW TO PLEASURE THESE LADY PARTS! BOOBIES! I blame porn, I love porn and sex and boobies! Oh my bottoms are getting hot again, I wanna hump something... Last feeling: Big ball stuck in my stomach wanting to jump out but when I sigh it goes for a few seconds but grows bigger... I wanna get it out but I can't update yall later with my perviness. Last updated 9:13 PM as of 11/7/14 Updated 8:53 PM on January 4th of 2015 So i haven't really updated my dysphoria issues yet really. Well. Let me just start off by saying that i had some damn sex idea issues! -.- I was in the bus when this first really entered my head. Sex. How was i gonna have sex? Will i feel any sensation down there? Well i started getting these really horny feelings about sex and me having some sex. I felt so damn bad about myself when i imagned myself fucking my girlfriend I believe. I would get these little sex images of me with a big penis fucking the brains out of girls. I felt really sad and bad about it every time after, because I don't have a penis right now! I cant exactly remember my feelings that clear but i felt pretty terrible about it. But as time kept going i kept imaging more sex. On yahoo answers i usually fucking look up sexual FtM information. Cause I get that fucking curious. I just really now got actually worried about my surgery in the future. Like, i don't know i feel so confused on which to pick. I want a good procedure done on me. I am actually thinkiing of going with the Meta, which i never in my wildest dreams thought i would go with. I am indeed planning to add balls and close my vagina opening and get the full meta. Hell no like i will have a vagina opening! I don't really know how to handle with this issues. I really haven't broke down crying cause of my vagina. My boobs yes. I really don't know what to think when i see them. Other than I am confused as fuck why this shit is on me. I really just wish my feelings were more clear to me. But i know i am pretty damn uncomfatarble with them. And the sex... That shit gets to me the most on my dysphoria issues. Worst fewlings ever. One thing i have noticed though, i dont look at heterosexual porn. If i do i feel so damn bad and uncomfatarble with my damn self. What i noticed is that i usually avoid looking at porn unless it is lesbian porn. That shit turns me on. And i noticed when i thought i was a cisgender women that i mostly wrote lesbian stories... Hmm? Only one was straight and that was a self insert. I felt extremely weird writing it the whole time. I prefer writing shit about lesbians. And looking at lesbian sex porn art. Holy shit those boobs those... So turned on. It is weird, but i try to stay away from heroesexual porn story or picture cause of my feelings. They trigger my dysporhia is all that i noticed. Like for example a picture that isn't self insert or straight porn makes me so damn jealous and horrible feeling. If it is self insert turns me on for some reason. Can't explain why but still feel really bad. And i am starting to feel horrible that i dont have a penis and i really really want one. Well wanna stop updating till later Update this shit late -Andre 9:13 PM Feeling: Horrible fireball feelings that is realeased but grows back tightly fphorrible annoying feelings... :/ 7:04 PM Feb 8th Tears rolling down and boogers as well. My forehead hurts and now I can't really feel any feelings anymore.... My dysphoria has increased, truly. Not because I wanted it to, but because it did! I was just looking up transsexual topics and sex strap-ons. I felt uncomfty and bad when it started talking about double sided shit where I will feel penetration too! Which isn't what I want! I want my sex to feel like a biological man! My heart is hurting... I scratched myself on the forehead and legs, and starting kicking and punching my matress while crying out desperately. I felt so horrible without my penis! I know I am more dysphoric than this... but I am pushing back my feelings. I really am starting to get crazy and dysphoric with my bottoms and sex talk! Whenever I hear sex tops I try to not say a word. Lately it is starting to make me feel terrible. I am just gonna end it here now... till my dysphoria comes cause there is more that I don't wanna spill out just yet :/ 6:09 PM 2:45 PM Dysphoira is sucking ass at the moment. My girl is now making jokes about my penis size and how tight I am. I just don't fucking want to here it no more! And when she talks about fucking, I just get sexy imaginations. But the truth is I am afraid to have sex! I literally imagine all the time about fucking a bitch. Then realize I have NO penis! I also started packing a few days back. My first official week packing as well. Thinking of buying a packer to at least see how my penis will feel like and look like. Shit I feel bad as I type this shit in. I want a penis! I don't like the idea of not having one... fuck, I am getting a headache as I think about this. It is truly annoying. But yeah, started packing lately. And remember how I dreamed about the flat chest surgery after good results? I dreamed about having my penis which I will describe in my dreams next. That and my friend just got his first binder. His chest looked the same when he was doing crappy binding. Anyways now I check to see if I look completely flat. I worry when I don't. But lately haven't been worrying so much cause of my binder. But I still feel bad when I see something is there. And this shit is completely hard to get off. And washing it is hard as well. I think I will just wash it next week. Don't feel like washing it this week. But yeah, all most two years of binding. And almost a week of packing. Look at how fucked up that is. I BARELY even packed till now! But I will tell you this, glad I waited. The packing now feels SO much better! I cut up some peach underwear and go like a waist band thing. Filled up raimaing parts into a sock and shaped it out like a penis. I just need the balls next to complete myself. Now I think about my penis 24/7! I go to sleep with it to! I don't ever take it off unless I am taking a shower! I just have problems with standing up peeing. It feels really awkward when I pee standing up. But at the same kinda happy I can. Shit, I want my penis. But one thing that makes me feel better is when "unfold" myself and find a starting to grow penis. It makes me feel actually better most of the time when I see it. That and when I think about the time where I DO NOT pack, it feels weird to think about. Like how could I ever be okay without packing?! How could I happily walk around without something between my legs! This penis will slowly change me. I know it will, fuck. I am actually now gonna practice fucking with it. My dysphoria gets mostly triggered by sexual conversations and thoughts. Like how I can't fuck anyone for a long time. Let me tell you this fucked up experience that happened on Thursday: I was thinking about loosing my virginity to a prostitute. So I thought before I go to Canada I can fuck them in New Braunfels. And I realized that I wouldn't have the surgeries by then! It felt so bad when I realized that. But so good when I thought I could. Ever since I got this packer I just think I have a REAL penis on me. Fuck, I gotta wait. And you know I am choosing to get the phalloplastly dick when I get older. I know surgeries will be better then, or grow my own dick. Well, that is it I believe on dysphoria. 2:59 PM 11/8/14 Time and other stuffUpdated on 11/8/14 at 12:03 AM. Time hurts, why? You see... Alright, well. Time. It hurts so much, why is this? Because you have to be patient. Time is something important, without time we all would have made horrible decisions and regretted a lot. Well, that is why we regret lots of things... Like, have you ever felt so pressured into making a desicion quickly, because if you didn't time would run out? In some cases, yes, you have to make a decision with a certan time period. But in also other situations you can take all the tme you need... I am talking about transition. Transitioning, itself takes years and years. I have thought about this plenty of times... Like, I remember when I first discorvered about this... Heh, I automatically thought I would start the hormones and bockers at least, within a week. I guess, well I never thought of time. Like, years of time. When I told my mom, well she didn't allow me to. So not much I could do there, but wait. Time, it killed me. Not literally... But mentally you could say, if you would like to describe it as that. Well, either way this process itself had not been easy for me. I have been like this for a yesr and four months last time I checked. Heh, funny how in the back of my brain I thought is would have failed. Well, maybe it did for a short period of time... But that is another story for another time, kind of. Back to time, I was so impaitent. I don't like to wait... When I want something I want it right away no matter what. I will fight for it till I get what I want/need. I did fight... My transition, it went well in some ways. Again another chapter that I will need to make another time. But this one is mostly based on time, and those extras are just related to this. But, yeah... Time. It is a funny word, why do we need time? Why can't we just get what we want? Why do we have to wait in order to get something? 1. If we truly want something we need to work for it, from what I learned. 2. Because life isn't like that, you can't always have it how you wish for it to be. 3. Because that is how the world works, and that is only if you work for it unless you're really lucky... Alright, so there was this video... A man walked inside his home angry about being rejected by women at the bars. He went to go brush his teeth right after, and slowly, but surely quickly his body started to transition into a womens. It started with his hips and but, to his arms, legs, face, chest, clothing, and etc. He became a women in five minutes literallly... He was pretty much checking out his new body pretty much, telling himself that he was a babe now. The video then cuts off cause of mature stuff that has to be watched on another site... But there was this comment, saying how this gives us transmen/women a bad image. And how this does not happen in the real world. We have to do this by years, not simply by minutes. I couldn't help, but agree with her. This does give us a bad image, that we simply don't deserve. How come this man turned into a women without effort? And why do I kee saying, man and refering to this man as a "he, him, his" because this is NOT a true women. It is exactly the same same as being born as a women, but not truly being a women but rather a man. And this was a man, simply because he has the mind of a mans. He had looked happy as a male, he was no crossdresser either, he was a simple avarge man. But somehow his body took a form of a womens. You see, he could never be a women, because these are not his intentions or thoughts. He was very excited about his new body, since he was a big perv. He checked out his body, admired it. He found himself increbily sexy and a smoking hot babe. He had looks, but that isn't what makes a women. He did not care about living as a women, he only cared about taking advantage of this once in a life time opitournity. He only wanted to test out the fun ideal sexy life as a women once, but not a whole normal life He would soon become bored of this, and return back to his naturual form. He does not deserve to be consindered as a women, because of his intentions. He is representing transwomen in the wrong way. The animation shouldn't even have to right to call itself transgender, if this man isn't. This is just plain stupid. And this is where time falls into place, why did he have this happen so quickly to him? Because it is simply magic and unrealistic. Magic is never is never a good road to go down on... I learned this off shows, magic never solves the issue. It usually makes the issue itself worse. And this created something that should have never been created. This was the wrong person to preform the magic on. This person needs no magic, for he is a faker. He will be a man trapped in a women's body while he is like that. And you cannot say otherwise, because you know I am right. You see time will only tell you the answer. I am sure you hear similar stuff like this all the time, because it is true. Without time it only tell you the lies. When you try to rush things or have things rushed... Are like lies in some kind of way. In transitioning they're big lies. Gender therapists are good for one thing, time. It can be scary though, I know. I am scared myself as well. I don't like the idea of waiting years. But they're required... Years, well you can at least most of the time make the right choice for yourself. I believe the therapist will make you go for a few sessions, but in the end have you decide if you are up for this. You are the only one to make the decision of taking these steps. You in the end made the choice to transition, not the therapist. They gave you options, but you expanded. You chose to take this road. Taking T for the first time... You have a choice, you can walk in that room like a man and just take it, or as a scaredy cat and run the fuck outta there! Same goes with surgeries... You in the end decide. Like me, I have to decide what I want in the end. This is something for me only to decide. Problem is... Been wanting to rush this process again and only been a week. I am trying to get myself to stop, this is silly. I only need to give it time. Because figuring out who I am is still confusing as ever. I know for a fact that I am not a girl, or gender-fluid. No matter how much you tell me that I am, I will deny it. Again another chapter for another time, but what I really wanted to say mostly is... My future self reading this, I am going to give myself time. After seeing that comment and this video, made me realise that I don't need to rush too. As in believing what I am gonna do in the future, that is up for me to decide later-on. I may be hell as confused about a lot right now, but with time every thing will make sense. I will have my answers soon... It has only been a year, and I still don't have those exact answers I am scoring for. I have just hit rock bottom, back to the start of figuring things out. I am slowly gonna figure this all out. I will over think about this, and feel no emotions. Which is actually bothering me, cause if I had these emotions maybe I could figure something out easier instead of being more confused and than I already am... I just hope future self, that whatever you decided that you really wanted it to be like this this is what you wanted. Don't hesitate to take as much time as you need, you will get through this and find out more. It is a slow process that needs no rushing. You will continue living out as a pre-op transman, and slowly discover what you want. I hope it is what I want, the surgery. Time will only tell... Time, I am putting all my hope in you. This is all I wanna say for now... Last updated 11/8/14 at 1:06 AM. These New Feelings Update: 12/14/14I can't explain them too much, but recently things have felt better. Dysphoria has been growing higher and worse, just like I had hoped. My new councelour seems to keep me feeling so good. I bought some new masculine T shirts and a new pillow pet, I named him Sharkisho. Things have its up and downs, like yesterday night I had lost it when my two friends said, "She/her"! It utterly threw me off my game, because I had wanted most people to unfollow me. This social transition was hard already in the real world might as well get rid of people on here that I can. Though that hadn't gone too well, I only lost my four followers which was at least good others stayed with me which I hated, actually planning on PMing them about this situation I am in right now. This social transition was not easy and it isn't still, because of the fact that I am a scaredy cat to tell anyone about me being Transsexual pre-t/op transman. But that is okay cause I am still figuring things out, was also really close to getting my teachers to use the proper pronouns but councelour explained a possible situation that might throw everything in this world off. So I have to put that on hold till thongs get figured out in a better way. However I do have some people saying, "he" which makes me feel great. When my councelour gave me a example of the teachers situation I was so happy! I can't explain why but it felt great and normal. She makes me feel bad after a while I just loose it simetimes cause of it. And no idea how i am gonna pull my friends on the side and tell them out my transition it will be hard. But on another note, T and haircuts. Haircuts makes me a bit dysprohic okay well a lot. I feel so bad and annoyed by this haircut, usually in the mirror I observe my hair. I usualy roll it up to make it seem shorter, but it is kinda long for a mans haircut which isn't good in my situation. And my eyebrows are starting to fucking annoy me the most. I need to find a way to fix those as well without my mom noticing too much. She is already annoyed about my chest issues. Which I need to be more careful of around her cause you know my shirts might get taken away, and they mean a lot to me. I need them with me at all times no matter what she says. This transition has started and it won't end nope never, I am a new man of a new year. I am ready for the changes and the negativity in this. Bring it on bitch I will fight till the end cause I feel more sure and sure everyday. Things are getting better and I won't let them fall bad again. So yeah I am excited about my future haircut in just a few weeks! After the wedding I will be able to finally change my hair! Tehehehe, I already got a good idea. I think it is time I switch this hairstyle up a bit. No idea how I will get it without my mom saying no, but I will try to work something out. She knows it is already too late and she will have to accept the fact. But yeah super excited about my hair and that I can pass more as a male. And another thing I am excited about is starting T, getting much more deeper voice and facial hair. You see last year none of this mattered, but now it does. I am actually researching much more on it. And I recently found out about how I will be treated once I am on it for a few monthes which is a great note to look on. My guy friends would be amazing! Lady friends are cool too, but come on! I need a bro seriously need some guy talk time. Ugh, I am a guy too hello! Chicks and there annoying boy talk. -_- Pretty much just more excited and feel so much better after two weeks of this transition again. Well update ya later -Andre ended on the 12/14/14 at 5:05 PM. Girlfriends Update (;7:09 PM Siana, there is this girl I have known since second grade. She has a crush on me...? It is quite actually entertaining to finally have a chick have a crush on me. I mean she is pretty, really pretty. Natural beauty and I hope that never changes, which is another thing I noticed I like girls without too much makeup. There the chicks that look the hottest to me. Makeup is cute too, but natural beauty is the best. So yeah... She is really beautiful you can say, most girls should really look like her. Though I wish she more of a curvy body but still pretty hot girl. And she likes me! But, I can't go with any girls that don't understand my situation. I need a girlfriend who understands that I am her boyfriend not girlfriend. Siana might understand, but there is another problem... I will only see her for the next couple of months then loose her for two years. :'( Which sucks! I need her so bad, I need her. I don't wanna believe that I am gonna loose her, but I know it will happen. Falling for a seventh grader is never good. V-v stupid ninth grade center fucking things up way worse! Girlfriend issues ugh, what else can I say? I mean I myself don't even fucking know if I like this girl like that to be all that honest. But for some reason I want her to kiss me. I don't know why, but I just wish she will and hug me more. I like to act annoyed and like I hate it, but she knows I like it! I have no idea how! I mean she hugged me in the hallways... I felt her boobies, they felt so good on my binded chest I wanted and still want to feel them again.... There so nice to feel. They jumped up and down slightly which felt good... I want that feeling one more time. And then she hugged me cause of some stupid girl who threw ice on my face! But yeah Siana wrapped her arms around my belly/waist, she yelled at me to hug her back and I did... It was great too... I of course acted like I hated it, but I know that I LOVED it! I never will admit it. God damn it, this girl gets me excited. It is something I can't control... And you know how I loose it easily? Well, that happened I lost it at our friends but with her she made me smile so badly. When I look at her I can't help but fucking smile at her. Even when I feel horrible she makes me smile just by looking at her! She told me that she liked my smile... I hate my smile, because she makes me smile and I don't understand how she does which annoys me so damn much! And another thing that annoys me is that I know I am fucking blushing, but she won't tell me. I already know that am blushing I already fucking know. It is so embarrassing! See this is annoying but I am just gonna stop here with these feelings. Because I myself am overthinking this and sitll don't know if O have a crush on her back. Ugh! Girlfriends such a stupid thing nothing but confusing creatures! -Andre last updated on 12/14/14 at 5:21 PM 3:59 PM 12/22/14 So... I got a girlfriend? Her name is Siana. I don't know why though? So how it happened. Well happened last Wensday and it was when I first came from lunch and saw some stupid couple together... Sigh. ): I got so damn jealous when he kissed his girlfriend. I wished so badly I could have a girlfriend and do that to her... </3 Then after getting so jealous and angry with myself I dumbly went back on FiMfiction. Siana texted me asking how I felt. I just responded with "Mad as hell, wbu?" And she surprisingly asked why and ignored my question. Siana: Why? Me: I am jealous of something... Siana: Jealous of what or who? If you don mind me asking... Me: Dang happy couples! I don't know why, but I just wish I had a girlfriend for some random reason! ): Siana: Well... Me: Well what? Siana: Nothing... I won't say for the sake of our friendship. Me: Oh come on! It can't be that bad to ruin our friendship. Siana: Ok... I like U... Me: of course! Why would we be friends if you didn't? Siana: No! Damn, I mean I like-like U... Me: oh Siana: Yeah... *Cries* Me: *Hugs* Stop crying Siana: HOW CAN I WHEN ALL U SAY IS OOOOOOH AND YEAHHHH! DAMN IT THE LITTLE DICK TELLING THE TRUTH! Me: Sorry, I just found it hard to believe that you would like me... Especially coming from him. Siana: Yea he was telling the truth. Me: So what you're basically trying to say is that you wanna be my girlfriend...? Siana: Yea Me: Well, if you're serious I totally wouldn't mind making you my girlfriend. I mean I totally would make you mine. :3 Siana: Holy shit Me: So wanna be my girlfriend? Siana: Holy shit yea Yeah so now we're dating. We hugged... No kisses yet Don't know why, but I am craving for one... Yet I still don't know if I have feelings for her romantically yet. I mean maybe crush? Here are signs that make me question this everytime: Smiling automatically around her My mood brighting up every time she is around Wanting to call her pretty or beautiful so badly Getting a bit nervous around her Getting jealous when she is talking with the other guys Wanting to kiss her for no reason Dreaming about her Thinking about her at night for hours That is all I can really think of right now. OKAY WELL I AM DONE NOW CAUSE THIS DAMN KEEPS FREEZING AND I AHVE TO FUCKING RETYPE THIS BULL SHIT FUCK THIS I WILL FUCKING COMMIT SUICIDE IF I NEVER FUCKING FINISH UPDATING THIS! CAUSE THIS DOCUMENT IS REAL FUCKING IMPORTANT TO ME! Update ya later mother fucker! -Andre last updated at 4:21 PM -.- 4:13 AM So I still have a girlfriend. Surprislingly. Since usually I break up with my girlfriends liek 2 weeks later. But then again, I don't know if I said this yet, but... I really just feel like I wanna be with her forever. I really can't imagne leaving her. I have a feeling she will leave me rather then me leaving her. But yeah, I surprised as hell why she hasn't left me yet? It is so weird. Oh well whatever, thisis good either way. Ok. So are relationship is by little bits starting to become more serious. We are hugging a bit more, and... Holding hands officially! God damn it, it is AMAZING! I like the holding hands mostly since it is new and not really use to it. But yeah, this is the first girl I hold hands with that I feel something. I have held hands with two other girls but never reslly felt much for them really. Siana gives me a good feeling. She makes my bottom area burning hot... She makes my heart race faster. She makes me feel something so good... It is impossible to explain it really. Get ready for it. I think I love her I wanna take her in my arms, hold her tightly and kiss her on the lips and say those three words so badly! I wanna tell her the sweetest things ever. I wanna hug her by the waist all the time. I wanna kiss her cheek so badly. I wanna talk to her all the time for as long as i can. I wanna hold her hand each time i get a chance. I wanna tell her, "I love you" every day! God damn it. I don't even care if she doesn't say it back to me or feels the same! I just wann tell her my feelings first!! God damn, but I need to kiss her first. Scsred as hell to... But if she asks me to, I will kiss her! I am not like talking a meaningless kiss... I want it to mean "I love you". Nothing more, nothing less. I don't know how the hell this is possible. But something in my brain just told me thatI love her. Well gonna stop here and updste whn things get more interesting Andre 4:31 AM 3:56 PM on 1/31/15 So I STILL AM WITH THIS LOVELY GIRL SIANA! Holy shit! I thought I wouldn't have even made it this far... things have gotten so interesting lately. So when I last updated this I said I thought I loved her, well get ready for this... I AM FUCKING IN LOVE WITH HER! I LOVE HER WITH EVERY INCH OF MY VERY SOUL AND HEART!!! I LOVE HER SO MUCH! I LOVE HER! She is the only person who matters to me. Even though for some times I wanted to give up on her and break it off and find a new girl. But that is just stupid. Siana is the girl for me... God damn it my heart is exploding out of love as I type this up. I fucking love her... All I can think about is her! She is all I want. I recently though have been thinking about our age difference. She is 13 and I am 15. She will be 14 in March doe... People keep saying that is a bad time to date. BUT I DONT GIVE A DAMN! I MAY WANT HER BODY SOMETIMES SEXUALLY! BUT I WONT EVER RAPE HER!!! I LOVE HER AND WONT EVER FORCE HER TO DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT!!!! I DONT WANNA USE HER FOR SEX OR ANYTHING ELSE JUST AS STUPID!!! ALL I WANT IS TO LOVE HER!!!!!!! I know I can't ever control my actions towards her... but I won't ever be the type to ever rape her. She is a very beautiful creature... her body is actually more curvy than I thought. She has such a cute little ass and big tits... But I love her for her not her body. I fell in love with her for reasons I don't understand. I fell in love with her... She kissed me forcefully when I was never in the mood. After that I seriously thought about it and it seemed so right to tell her. The next or two days I believe I told her. She hugged me crying sarcasticly saying "Nobody loves me! My cousin won't hug me!" And I hugged her so tight and the words "I love you" came out of my mouth. I didn't even mean for them to but they did. Jesus Christ she was like "You're only saying that!" And I of course said "No I love you... I was planning to tell you today." After that we kissed but she didn't say it back then. After that everything changed for me with her... Love is what happened. I haven't been able lately to control myself too much around her. I have been holding her in my arms more longer than I should. Been kissing her, been trying to hold her hand. I just can't control my body around her. Everytime I touch her or just look at her I go like "Damn, I love you so much" in my head. Nothing in this world couldn't make me happier than being with her besides being myself... Oh, she makes my heart melt so badly for her. Whenever she comes by me my heart starts to beat fast. I just fucking love her so much. I get lost in her beauty most of the time she talks. I feel so happy and calm around her... It doesn't matter if we're not talking just by looking at her makes me feel so happy. I pay attention to her FACE! not privates. I pay attention to her... to the best I can when I am not distracted by her beauty She is always catching me look at her. I wish I could just say it like this... "I love you... Everytime I look at you I get so lost in your beauty". But I don't wanna creep her out... But then again I really mean it at the same time. I just don't know why she makes me feel so happy! Just being with her my mood automatically cheers up even if I am in a bad mood. As long as I am with her I will feel better to some extent... She doesn't know it but she truly makes me happy. She is the only reason that keeps me sane and happy. I can't image the train wreck I would be by now if it weren't for her... My world was dark until her light showed up. The thoughts of her breaking up with me break my heart so much... I don't care if she doesn't love me back. I LOVE HER AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS! I WANT HER TO BE ALL MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO MATTER WHAT! I don't give a fuck if I have to risk my life for it! I will want her with my heart for a long time! I want her with me! I want to hug her so tightly! I want to kiss her on the nose and lips so gently. I want to hold her hand. I want to stare into her eyes and at her beautiful face for eternity. I want to hold her in my arms for as long as I can. I want to sit next to her and hear her talk 24/7. I don't want her to leave my side... I want her by me all the time. I want her to want my attention. She is hard to get. But I like that challenge. Makes me want to chase after her more. She has me literally wrapped around her finger. I will do anything for her at least I believe. God damn it I wanna buy her the world and take her to expensive places. Just on her one month anniversary I actually got her a pink rose. Haha she loved it thankfully. I now am planning to get her something for Valentines Day and her birthday. Now for the reason I love her is cause she makes me so happy. She is the only thing that I really want in my life. I can't truly imagine being with another person or leaving her side. I love her, cause she accepts me. She makes me feel so good... nothing really ever feels so perfect and magical with another girl. But really I can't explain why I love her... not any words can describe it. I just love her and that is all. Andre 4:25 update ya when this gets more interesting. 6:48 Feb 8th So I love this girl, like always... I missed a kiss from here though the whole week. But I did get some hugs and holding hands time. I mostly been hugging her more, and got to hold her hand once this week. I kept squeezing her hand, to show her I loved her. While we listened to her music, like said I will listen to any song she wants me to listen to just cause I love her. I will of course tease her about it. I wish I got a kiss from her.... nothing in this world feels better than my lips on hers. I wanna kiss her on the lips for as long as I can, and never let go of her. I am a love sick puppy now that I think about it. I honselty get annoyed and feel bad when she doesn't want to kiss me. But when she says she wants to that is enough to keep me interested and happy. That is all that counts her wanting it. But... she teased me on Friday and made kissy faces giving me signs to go in for it. And I do lean in to kiss her! But she pulls her head back and laughs! I get annoyed, and I just told her straight up "You know what I am done trying to kiss you!" And she just responds with she doesn't care. And I feel terrible about it... wanting her to kiss me and just having that moment with her. I mean one kiss will keep me happy. But now I feel like she is playing with my feelings which is what I don't want. I knew falling in love with her was A BAD IDEA! BUT MY ASS JUST TRIES TO BEAT THE SYSTEM HOW DUMB AM I! I love this girl with all my heart! And the last I want is to loose her or find out she just dating me to play with my feelings! So am done trying to kiss her. I also said I wouldn't hug her anymoe, at a different time. She said same thing and the next hours she is all like "Baby, I feel so hollow because you didn't hug me!" And here I am just like wtf? In my head not real life.... THIS WOMAN IS COMPLICATED!! SO COMPLICATED I HAVE A LIL CRUSH ON SOME OTHER GIRL CAUSE OF THIS! I NEED BACKUP AT LEAST! And I feel bad for that, but hey! And I know I will be the one having the bad heart break... I know I will be a terrible train wreck when it happens. I will act happy, but really I will just feel so fucking bad with myself. But of course I will move on to the next lady, which is my crush. And hope shit turns out better. But I know I love my girl Siana... But this is just heart breaking me. I don't wanna loose her. And then my stupid ex coming to the table! Now I will have to find a place to go! Cause he upsets me! And I don't want him to say anything to her or anything about our relationship! I don't want Siana to turn like him or be his girlfriend! I don't wanna loose her to that douchebag! I want him away! I want to only pay attention calmly to my girlfriend NOT THAT ASSHOLE RUINING SHIT! I ALREADY LOOKED UP PUNCHING SHIT SO I CAN KNOCK THAT FUCKER OUT! I SWEAR I FUCKING WANT HIM OUT OF MY SIGHT I WON'T DEAL WITH HIM THIS YEAR! I AM A NEW MAN OF A NEW YEAR AND I WON'T BE FUCKING TREATED LIKE SHIT AGAIN! FUCK THIS!!!! AND I WONT HAVE MY GIRL TURN INTO HIM!!! NO I WILL FUCKING NOT ACCEPT THIS BULL SHIT NO MORE! I HAVE MY OWN SELF RESPECT AND I NEED HIM GONE CAUSE I AM NOT HAPPY AND WANT TIME WITH MY GIRLFRIEND NOT A ASSHOLE! So yeah just scared of loosing her and her turning into him... Andre 8:02 12/21/14 A Bad Day Trans Problem Day.Updated: 10:00 PM So... Today I really just. Today was supposed to be a day for me to celebrate my moms birthday and her brother's birthday, as well. Well, when we got to the house I asked for cake and stuff. No cake. Oh yeah, I forgot! I had to dress like a girl... Ya'know since my mom really doesn't accept my problem. We get there, I eat. I just eat. I don't feel hungry, cause I just eat girl. Literally if I have nothing to do I will just eat or when I am sad, or just at both times! Which was kinda then... I was a bit confused too. I started out with cookies that resembled oreo's, then moved onto crackers then ate a shrimp soup. WHICH! Which I never do. I hate that soup and it was cup. So that was a change, must have been really depressed, but hidden deep inside. Yeah, after that I watch movies. We started off by starting with some movie about apes taking over the world. Yeah... Didn't work for me. Never would. You know just not really my thing, eh. After that like thirty minutes later we watch shrek. It was actually a good movie. Afetr that we watch "Zack and Cody Suite Life", "Hannah Montana", and lastly... "Cory in the House"! It was fun. I laughed the most at the Zack and Cody one. I don't know why, but it just one of my favorite shows to watch. So is Cory in the House. We went for a walk. We first started off by walking to see a Santa. Yeah, a dog then came in... We ran away. My mom ran away with my little sister Ivannah. I wasn't that scared though but I fast walked and made my grandma fast walk too. After that dogs just barked and I got hella scared and ran away leaving grandma behind. I felt so god damn bad and cowardly! I am the man! I need to protect these women, not be a scaredy women myself. It was just a embarrassing thing, but grandma didn't care too much, she just laughed it off. We walked then to the pool afterwards. We saw skateboarders. I felt so jealous and bad suddenly. They were boys, and I just thought that I belonged with them. I never understood why, but I just always felt like I belonged with the skateboarders. I gave myself the name "Skate", but I never knew why. Skating I guess is just a destiny waiting for me. It is weird, but I feel like I just belong there. And with the guys, because you know I am a guy. But I felt so embarrassed in this girls body with stupid girls clothes and makeup. I just felt bad, felt disgusted to look down at myself. Felt scared to look at the skateboarders everything felt wrong right after that. I saw a rose too. First thing I said was "This is perfect!". I said it so dreamy while thinking about giving it to my new girlfriend Siana. I just don't know why, but my brain just reacted like a any other dudes would about that. I then started thinking about buying a red rose for her and giving it to her some day. Yeah, I don't know why, but that just happened. We walk farther away from them all. Mom tells me about celebrating my birthday when my cousins are here. Sounds great! Expect for the damn fact that I have to be dressed like a damn girl! I want to be the boy I am, not the girl I was never. My birthday... This was all wrong mom. I want to celebrate at a certain pizza place with games to feel at least like I did once in my other trans memories. I just want to be myself on my birthday... It makes me sad and frustrated knowing that I can't even go out like myself around my mom and even on my birthday anymore. I am trying my best to fix this all. Can't believe I am turning 15 either... Fuck my life. Got home feeling horrible thinking about all this trans crap problems. I never will understand too much, all I know is that I am a guy. When I am forced to look like a girl I will always feel more depressed naturally. I will always feel genderless and sexless like I always have until I can be the man I was meant to be. The transformation will happen soon. I know one day I will be the guy I am. I have a terrible headache now. Goodbye, I am gonna sleep and try to feel better, I guess. -Andre last updated at 10:22 PM 2015... 'New Years Celebration Experience'January 1st 2015 at 2:45 PM Hey... so I don't remember the last time I updated this thing, wait wasn't it last week...? Okay, well. I am here to update this crap thing. Hopefully nobody catches me updating this crap, because everyone in this damn family hates me transgender ass. (At least when I am like this, and not faking how they want me to fucking be!) So yeah, well yesterday was terrible. I-I don't know, I really don't know why I myself went into a dark mood. You see, we were celebrating. Like when I got to the party everyone greeted me you know... like how they greet everyone. I got a few hugs and handshakes. It was a OK greeting. I really didn't even expect to be noticed since I am never really noticed, unless I am being my plain old transgender fucking self. Which for some reason catches lots of grownups attention. I don't blame them, if I was a cisgender man and saw a young transman like myself I would find that a bit weird, and be pretty damn concerned about that child. But yeah, everyone greeted me. I was having a good time for the first few 30 minutes really. Like I was just talking and being myself... expect for the dressing, god damn it was weird as fuck. Then suddenly everyone has to shut up for a while to do some New Years cheesy shit. Me and my cousin laugh for some stupid ass parts... but, I see people crying and sad faces and even smiles. It confused the fuck out of me, and made me feel concerned. But as a damn stupid idiot I do nothing! God damn, this pisses me off because I want to be a gentlemen to the best of my abilty not a bitch who doesn't give one damn fuck about anybody or anything. Anyways after that shit is over cousins go upstairs. I didn't go upstairs for the first part, because I did not feel like breaking the damn rules for a new year right away. (Sure as hell gonna break a lot this year! That is fo sure, don't even act like it won't be happening, cause as said got nothing to loose at this point in time!) So yeah, my aunt or whatever offers me some food... I say yes, cause I was a bit hungry. So I go to the table to get my food, but then she brings a chair and is all like: "Chica, sit down sit down" me: I am fine... really. I like standing- "No, no sit down please." Me: [sits down] OK... "Here have a coffee, chica!" Me: Thanks... and then I eat. I felt so damn uncomfatarble when that happened. Cause there were men and a boy about my age there. I felt so damn bad cause I was supposed to be one of the guys, not with the guys! Yeah so then the men that are my uncles give me some small talk. Oh dear lord... those she and girl pronouns shit is what really throws my mood off, especially when I wanna have a good time. But at the same time I can't do shit about it to keep my mom calm. And not start a shit of a damn scene. So yeah, after small talk I eat faster to get the hell out of there faster. After that go to the couch with a new soda, cause I did not give one fucking shit about anything not even if I would get fatter. Fuck my life... anyways my other auntie comes and my mom too, and they both tell me I can go upstairs. I go upstairs really slowly, I couldn't explain it, but when I went upstairs and felt a horrible damn feeling in my whole body, but not like sick kinda feeling. Anyways I go upstairs and try my best to feel good. I find everyone coloring and drawing, damn it! I sit down for a minute and dare not say a word. After that I feel like fucking crying... I then fucking stand my ass up, and go to the restroom. They ask me what the hell I was doing, and I just respond with I am need to be alone. And one says I am gonna get in trouble the other says who cares. I would normally get pissed off at comments, but I didn't cause I needed this! So I lock myself up in the restroom and just fucking cry my heart out! I scratch the walls and bang my head against the walls and whimper and sob. It was hell, I cried mostly about how I was a fucking pussy not to tell my friends about this. And how I would always be damn mistakned for a damn chick! And how I will never figure things out, it was just so much terrible transgender social problems that got to me. But the one thing that I mostly remember crying about is that I at a party with people who see me as a she... that is what really got me thinking. That these people see and think of me as a she. I then stop crying they call out my name I don't respond, cause I wanted to stay there longer and think and cry some more to get all these negative shit out of my system for the time being. They keep calling, then my fucking mom comes up and I have to get out... She is all telling me that she brought me to be happy, and in my head I am just like, "Yeah, bull shit. If that were the case you would let me be me" Auntie asks what is wrong with me, and I say nothing, I don't wanna talk about it. Because this is a subject not appropiate for a party. I couldn't tell them. My mom tried to get me to home early, but I said no, because I wanted her to be the one to have a good and long time at the party. She didn't deserve my shit not on her day off at a party. So after that I draw after she leaves... and that drawing was a chick sad. I go home then and fall asleep and have a dream. Which I should probably put for my dysphoria later tonight or today. But, yeah. Right now I am at grandmas feeling like shit still while typing this up in the restroom. Yeah, a sucky new years celbration bitch for me. Started off 2015 with my shit. And now tomorrow I am gonna have a pre birthday celebration. Oh this is something that will really make me feel bad... better go now update this later bye. ): Andre 3:11 PM Birthday Experience 1/25/156:08 AM I woke up really early first in the morning, I walked right out of my room expecting "Happy birthday!" from my parents. Nope. I get a rant about how it is wrong to buy prepaid cards. Haha, but just you wait till how my dad seemed cool with it when I proved to him there would be no damn fee! It was all good at least now I am approved to get it most likely later today after school. I am feeling nervous and excited as I think about it. I was originally planning to get it on my birthday, but for some reason HEB not longer selled the damn card. Which sucked ass! I wanted that so badly. Anyways back to my day. So after all the ranting he cooled down and told me to get ready. Which I did. But when we were getting ready my little sister was screaming and kicking the ground. Which had triggered my dad to get angry since our downstairs bitches keep complaining about us making too much noise, which is ridiculous well at least I think it is. But luckily he calmed down telling us to go to HEB to get something for mother. After that we waited for him to pick us up to go my favorite pizza place "CICI'S" After that we went and I ate a lot... and we started talking about getting my laptop which I asked to get it that day. My mom and dad actually said yes surprisingly. I was happy cause after that we right away went to "Best Buy" to get it. Hell my dad even offered to get me a nice ass mouse for it and earphones. And he did which made me happy kinda. So now I am here typing up this up haha. Oh yeah and my thoughts were like what the hell? How is this possible since I have been a bad kid and since I am transgender? How would my mom ever buy me this? It was weird, but I didn't question them just let em do their work. After that I went on it at home and used it for a while. Went on MovieStarPlanet to announce my birthday and only two people told me "Happy Birthday!" But I guess that is fine, since I either way don't like too much attention. Mainly cause of my problem and cause I can get use to it. Which I do not wanna go through. But at least my best friends told me. I wish my two sisters were there to tell me that would have made me more happy. After that five o clock comes. I get my wallet planning to buy my card and cake. Well my mom is the one buying the cake and Chinese food. Which I thought was awesome! But anyways we get the cake. I tell my mom and she laughs telling me that I was gonna waste It on MSP with I know I won't not this year. I actually am only buying it to order my binder and some other cheap crap. I was excited when she said fine. She asked her co worker Terri if they still sold it and she said no. Which sucks. Oh well but hopefully at Walmart they do sell it. I am hoping. So after that we go home and eat our food. After I finish I get a call from my cousins wishing me happy birthday. Then after that go back on laptop waiting till my birth time 7:55 to blow out my candles and make a wish just like last year. Now this is the most fucked up part of it all. My dad got the candles up and when I was blowing them out my mom was taking a picture which set me off. And I think my sister blew them out. But my dad said I did and I feel like I did. But I just had to get this wish perfect for once in my life. But my sister always has to ruin it and everyone else. After I get messed up I start ranting and feeling horrible like I wanted to cry badly. But my dad says no make the wish. And I do but I felt like the energy just isn't there no moe. I really just felt bad that time. Then my sister got candles to blow out which is stupid! It is my birthday not hers! I need my wish to come true. Or else I will still feel miserable... It hurts me as I write this out. I just don't know anymore... and you know day ends with my reading fanfics and deleting messages. It was a okay birthday, but would have felt complete if I got to order my stuff as well that day. Andre 6:27 AM 2015 Trangsender, Transexxual, Sex, Biological Male Dreams Updates! (Mature)So I had this first amazing dream till the one about the sour patch which I should also talk about... Anyways so. I met this girl, she was a girl that looked exactly like a doll and could shrink! It was so awesome! I don't remember how we met or what we did before having sex. But I do remember the hot sex!! So we were in my room and I got horny, and starting humping her! I couldn't control myself! I really wanted to fuck her! She told me to stop... And do something else much more awesome! I took off my pants and so did she take off her own! And in this dream I had my miniature dick! But without out the vagina part, which was awesome!!! But it was so small! Which sucked ass! But! This Girl didn't give a fuck! I think she sucked me at first, and I didn't feel to good about my self. I didn't even wanna fuck her front entrance. Instead I told her, she smirked and turned around so she couldn't see it anymore. It kind of bothered me, but you know whatever. Anyways after that I just went crazy! Her body got small! And Then the next second I am just here fucking the shit out of her asshole! I. LOVED. IT!!!! I SAW MYSELF GOING IN AND OUT OF HER!!!! SHIT IT FELT LIKE HEAVEN!!!!!! ALL I REMEMERBED IS THAT!!! THE AMAZING SIGHT OF MY DICK GOING IN AND OUT, AND HER ASS JIGGLING! I THINK THAT ONE FIC ABOUT DIAMOND DOGS INSERT AFFECTED ME CAUSE I LOVED IT!!! The amazing sex feelings that went through my bottoms was the best part! God damn, it felt so good to have a little dick cause it had no vagina! It sucked that there was no balls, but at least I had the dick right? I woke up right after feeling so good, but annoyed! Cause I wish the dream was real and at least I could have my bottoms! I am just annoyed and feeling bad about it... It was good to have the first perspective and fuck that girl. I don't even wanna admit I am virgin, cause I am sure as hell not a dream virgin anymore!!! Oh and as for the sour patch dream, I had the male body and everything and first persepective. I was biological male in my dreams, which was amazing! I couldn't have been happier with the sex dream... but wish it lasted longer and had foreplay... -Andre 9:05 Andre 6:43 PM March 2nd I had a dream last week where I had a flat chest... I saw it a lot and couldn't stop looking down at my chest. The nipples were big but it felt so good and right. I didn't have any worries at theat time expect for the nippled that made it kinda awkawrd. I don't remember much other than that. Andre 6:45 PM 3:01 PM So I had a dream during the week, on school days. It was actually awesome! I had my VERY, VERY, VERY FIRST dream about having a penis! Bonus points, I grew my penis out! Like how I usually try to look at my baby starting to grow cock, I pulled them apart further the wall things or whatever... eww, and my cock popped out! It literally grew out! It came out black/brown at first but it was growing! Think it changed color, but this is all I remember. Don't know if more happened in the dream. But I felt it pop out kinda painful. BUT IT FEELS SO GOOD THINKING ABOUT IT! 3:04 PM -Andre 7:56 PM I had a dream when I was taken about fucking another women. My penis was the size as the furries penis fanart size. It was orange and yellow and lots of vains. The girl layed down on the ground and told me to go for it and I did. I thrusted hard into her and sensation filled my bottoms. it was the BEST sex dream I had so far other than the first. no one caught us and my dick was huge haha. 7:58 -Andre I fucking hate being transgender thoughts! (Mature)6:17 It's just terrible! For two years this has been going on! Nothing but horrible feelings! My thoughts on dysphoria aren't even clear to me!!! Shit I hate life! It's hard to even focus on a normal life cause of this... Sex gets to me a lot, cause one I don't wanna be a virgin! I wanna fuck women too! I am a dirty dog, who wants sex just like any other biological man! We're pig headed, I wanna fuck women! I have a big boob fetish! Shit, I would do anything to grope a women's boobs, while sticking my dick into her vagina!!! NOT A STRAP ON A DICK A REAL ONE!! Is it so fucking hard to get that??!?! Without feeling bad about it! Knowing I will have to wait years for it... I mean I wanna save my virginity for a special gal, but at the same time want my dick! It wouldn't hurt me to have on and masturbate at least! I mean it will suck ass not getting the pussy! But it is better than nothing at all but dry humping stupid blankets! I mean it feels good, but I want my dick. And what I also hate is feeling sexless! But still male, feeling like I have no sex parts! Every time I think I manage to say "I am a girl! Wait what? Um no, I am a male!" Obviously my head doesn't react good to female thoughts! I literally believe I am male! Not female at all! Just a guy that got his dick and balls cut off in the uterus! Well at least how I wish to see it! And then people! They really don't understand they just look at us weirdly. Which I understand cause I can't even fucking understand orientation too much! Hell, I am still figuring mine out, but I am convinced I am 100 percent straight! I am a male, nothing in my head tells me otherwise. Everytime I think I will talk in third perspective about myself... I also feel so good about looking and acting so masculine! I wanna be as manly as I can be, I feel bad when someone takes that away! Like for example I was having these relationship search ups! I found out that I was a aggressive, dominating, manly protective boyfriend! But my girl I believe doesn't want me to be like that! I felt like shit, thinking how could she just want to take my manliness out?!?! Bitch, please! Let me be as manly as I can be at least! I swear I felt terrible and annoyed, and I will continue feeling this way if anyone or anything is trying to make me not so manly! I like being the man in everything! I love being call sir not ma'am! It feels weird, but I never correct them I just go with the flow, since it doesn't matter since I am not close to them really. But after a while it gets hella annoying, I just want it to stop most of the time. And when my friends use feminine pronouns that's when I wanna pull out a gun and be like, "Fuck you guys I am killing myself!" But when they get it right, oh I feel so good with myself! I am like, "Finally, you bitches get it right what a relief ohh!" It feels like a walk in the park when this happens. Things are getting okay, but I have to worry about future girlfriends and coming out! Most women I feel like would reject me and might not want anything special... You see, I love women. I need at least one women in my life to feel more complete and distracted with myself. I can't bare the thought of most likely being single cause of this... then I need to worry about moving to a whole another trans friendly place! Which I know will cost shit tons of money, then I worry about dates with ladies! I need that one special women as said! I swear it is just a complicated annoying thought... I just hate having to worry so much about being transgender. And when people think they got it so bad, but they don't know. Okay now I am done till I need to update this again! Andre 6:32 To get a girlfriend updates8:00 PM on March 22th Became single recently, would rather not write it out. Anyways, I think it is time I make a guide for getting a girlfriend for myself. I can't forever stay single or date online. Its time to move on the big steps. I need a girlfriend in general to be happy, well or at least to distract me from being myself. But what I noticed is first you need CONFIDENCE! I sure appear to have lots of confidence, and I am sure I have some. I just happen to loose it sometimes. But women NEED confidence from a man. It's time for you to man up Future Andre. Dude I know you are reading this because you're lost. Also bro you need to get yourself open out there for the ladies. Love WILL NOT come to you just by doing nothing. Give some effort to getting your crush to be yours. Also bro save some money up, you're gonna need it to take them out on dates and shit. But anyways, ask them out dude! Take a chance like what you did with Max before your transition. Cooly walk up and just tell them how u feel and ask. You really have nothing to loose at this point, really you know you don't. Next, compliment her dude. Be YOURSELF AND FUNNY! Just dude cool it down with the annoying you. Anyways man just you need to be yourself don't try to act normal come on man be weird and fun. And the girl will just adore you more. Also MAKE CONVERSATION! Try whatever just never stop. Next dress nice and have a good hygene. Just try to look your best and brush your teeth pretty much man. Btw, girls love masculine men. Try to be as masculine as possible to get the girl DO NOT BE A NICE GUY! Overall man you are a heart-breaker, and whoever the girl is make sure she is the one you wanna be with for a long time. Don't fucking choose wrong but be careful who you give chances to. Good luck with your romance, I will update this more when I get more tips. 8:10 PM -Andre Her 1/20/15 - How it started8:55 PM Her is Sheikiolo. The most amazing best friend in the world. The woman who keeps flashing back in my mind, from time to time. Anyways, so Shekiolo is the very first girl who taught me how to love and to be myself. She actually was the help to my problem. I remember when a while back I told her about how I would get a sex-change and everything. To be fairly honest, no idea how I knew the word, but I just knew it. I knew what it meant. But when I told Shekiolo this is felt weird to say, cause I had this feeling. This imbalancing feeling everytime. I couldn't put my finger on it, the feeling of rightness. Saying I would get a sex-change felt right. It made sense each time I told her. Now what really was my excuse to do it... Was so I could be her man. I could be the boy she gets married to. So me and her could get married and live together a normal straight life. I had no idea why I wanted to change this bad for her, but at the same time it felt right. She even agreed to letting me be her man. After that life went on, but then... The doctors apointment when I was also going through that weird emo thing. I always wanted to be sad, but always knew inside me there was hidden sad feelings. But yeah I told the doctor when she asked me if I had any problems, I told her about the self harming and sex-change desire. She documented it I believe. It was something I tried hard to hide inside me and not dare speak of, expect when I was with Shekiolo. But then this shole changing never made sense. After that Shekiolo moved away in the summer, when I was still with my ex-boyfriend Rowan. Which was also weird, because when we were dating was when I first started to think about the change. Hmm, I remember one conversation on the phone we had. He said we would get married and put his weiner in my donut. It felt really weird to think about, but I remember saying to him I would rather do that to him. I don't know why, but I wanted to do all the man stuff in the relationships I had with other men. Example, I made the first moved ad gave him roses. Be the one to say love you first. Kisses I left to him. Then I always held Sheikiolos hand, hugged her too, and lastly laid down on the grass with her. We had romantic moments together. Even took her out on a date. Ah, it all felt okay at the time. That is then when later in the summer I discovered I wanted to flatten my chest. Get a surgery to flatten it like a guys. I remember I went to my mom first and told her right away. She gave me a disgusted weird look and yelled at me saying no! Then I felt bad, and after that I listened to a song that was dedicated to two guys in a relationship. My mind went really crazy at the time. And that is when I did lots of research and discovered my identity, transgender FtM male. Everything made sense mostly and felt right after that. Been transitioning slowly sine 2013 to 2015. Hoping to transition more years. -Andre 9:15 PM
Ugh... I don't know... *Embarrassed blush* 11/7/14Ugh... I don't know... *Embarrassed blush* 11/7/14 Updated 11/7/14 8:30 PM: Hey guys, I am Andre. I am a transsexual boy, not man yet. I am only 14, almost turning 15 next month on the 25th. But I personally believe that I turn 15 when the month starts. I can't wait to turn 15, I will be older and closer to starting horomones and gender therapy. Right now I really can't start it, because my mom disapproves it. She thinks it is disgusting. How do I know? Simple, yesterday: Mom: Why don't you want makeup? Me: I-I do... It is just that not for school, more like parties and going to casual places and grandmas... Mom: Oh, that is fine! Just as long as you're not thinking like you use to. Me: N-No, of course not... I am a girl. *Weak smile* Mom: That is great, sweetie. Don't be like that it is disgusting and I need to go back to work now. When she left I started thinking. I am disgusting to her... But I don't feel so bad. I was use to this kind of bull shit. Why? Because back in 2013 August, don't remember the day... I was first believed to be transgender. I don't know what the hell happened, but just suddenly it happened. I will add more information about this maybe later, this is really a big document. I indeed have documented before, and I sadly had to get rid of the papers cause of my ex-girlfriend Sarah. She was a bitch... There, I said it. I don't even know why I even dated her. It was funny, cause I had this really big crush on her back then. But yeah, my mom was disappointed when she first heard about it. She was very sad and disgusted. She treated me badly, and never the same after that... Everytime I talked to her I can sense so much negativity and disappointment in her voice. It was like she secretly hated me, but was forced to love me and take care of me. I never understood why herself was like this... I guess she didn't want me to go to hell, she is super religious. One of the reasons why I actually stopped myself from being this way. Well at least I tried to stop myself from being transgender/transsexual. One day they went away or something, and I was walking in my room. I was like, what the hell? Why am I wearing this? I am not a boy... I am gonna go to hell. Basically thinking like that, but... Well, After minutes that felt like hours of thinking like this I gave up on my dream. I had to let it go, I thought. I didn't want to go to hell... I for once thought I was gonna be happy. When I was clearly happy, but not as happy... I had gone through so much, to get to where I wanted to be. I had a very slow and painful transition mentally and not so physically. I had finally gotten to T-shirts and super boy hair cut! My mind had been changing, it had been closer to accepting myself. My mind went through so much damn pain and dysphoria. The dysphoria I had that was major... My chest, I fucking hated my chest. Still do kinda. Well I would cry and get stressed when I could make it flat. Took me a while to find a way... Got super stressed and bad when someone asked me about me binding my chest. I always lied saying I had a binder, when I truly actually wore 3 sports bras. After a while got three spandex tank tops, wear them here and there. I am feeling terrible while I am writing this... Like, I feel like something tight in my stomach is getting pulled out but it is stuck. My stomach feels like it is holding something heavy. Each time I sigh it kind of gets released but then grows back into a ball... I don't know what it is, but it feels like this while I write this fuckery out. This is hard for me... Really it is. Last updated 11/7/14 at 8:50 PM. Updated again on 4:24 PM So... I feel bad. Like I really just wanna leave this place, called Grandma's house. I mean I am pretty damn miserable at my own home, but not as miserable as here. I remember last year back when my grandma had told me about my trans problem... It hurts being here... I wish I could be accepted and be in a place where I was completely comfty. No matter how much I will try to be happy, I will always feel damn bad in the inside. I can't explain why, but this house just makes me feel a bit bad. I am thinking that this time and tomorrow, my stupid "Birthday Celebration" will be the last time I will be coming here. I feel sick, just like my dad has. I never understood why he never went outside, but now I do in some kind of way, in my own way... we're both sick, people like me just can't be let outside either. I feel like I ruin everyone's time, god damn it. If something bad kinda happens I just snap and go crazy. It has been getting worse, and I know I will end up loosing it really badly one of these days. Hell! Might even be tomorrow, god only knows. So yeah, I don't wanna come by this house never again unless I have to. I don't give a damn fuck who the hell is here, I never wanna come back. I know I will sometimes, but not really. At least whenever I can't come. I will finally be at peace when that happens. Still sad, but finally better. I feel so damn sad sitting here, I just wanna be home and think. I wanna cry. Again. You see, I store so many bad feelings inside myself and when something badish or something that makes me feel uncomfty, I just wanna loose it. When I am at home this barely happens, because at least I can prevent shit from happening. I know I am not ready to cry everything out... I am a new man of 2015, not the same man of 2014. And this year I will be fucking happy to the best of my abilty! I hope... So yeah, I am gonna stop here till another day. Andre at 4:38
Dysphoria Updates (Mature)Update 11/7/14 8:52 PM: I really actually don't even know... I am myself completely confused. When I look at the mirror I just see two balls, and play with them. Their pretty damn soft, I noticed that they got bigger for some reason when I went back to being trans. I want to be so upset over this, but I have no emotions right now... For days now... I want this to stop, and have my damn emotions back so I can figure shit out. But I feel like I can't even figure anything out like this... I wanna give it time I really do. Have you ever lost your emotions? Well, I loose them a lot more than usual when I am this way. I mean, I of course laugh and smile and all that shit... But at the end of the day, I am sad as hell or nothing at all. I just don't know... I am literally wishing to get my dysphoria horrible so I can get that surgery... I am scared out of my fucking mind about the therapist. I mean what if he/she rejects to write me a letter? What if I go to the therapist for years!? And never get that fucking letter!. Please, I just dont know... I already feel like I won't get those horomones, cause they could either tell me I am gender-fluid or a stupid crossdresser or even a fucking human with no gender/sex! I don't wanna be considered as neither of those... I just want this shit over with, I just want to get the surgeries when I can. I have no idea how I am gonna get enough money though... My only fear I guess well many too, sex change reassignment surgery is a big deal! I will be changing my genitals, this is big. Don't mind my chest, don't really give a fuck. Flat chest, cool bro. Feels weird having round lumps on my chest area, the hell is this shit? Penis, yeah why not bro. I want to fuck lots of chicks afterwards. I am a horny boy, and let me have them sexy erections... I want to get the metaplasty or however you spell it and the phalloplasty. And get rid of this uterus if that possible, and get some balls. The biggest balls in the world. Okay, well really big... I already decided, take skin off my legs doc. Just get this shit over with. I had a sexual day dream. Some guy named Ronnie, well I imagened him on top of me while I lay on my stomach with my dicks flapping around the whole place with his. Then it flashed to me groping sime chicks boobies... And having my dick stuck in her anus, oh it is turning me on while I think about it! Man I would have the biggest boner if I could. Once I get on hormones if I do I hope, I so will learn to masturbate the good way, and pleasure myself. I mean I might play with myself, but I never actually enjoy it... I never felt senseation unless I get on top of the blanket and fucking hump it hard with sexy porn images in my head of boobies and sex! All that, it is so hot. But when I try to fingure myself it like... Well feels like nothing, and so does massaging my man boobs and dont get me started with the clit. No senseation unless am humping something which I see my guy form doing i am my guy form... And they say shit like i would be able to pleasure a girl better cause I was once one! BITCH OLEASE I WAS A ALWAYS A BOY AND I NEVER KNEW HOW TO PLEASURE THESE LADY PARTS! BOOBIES! I blame porn, I love porn and sex and boobies! Oh my bottoms are getting hot again, I wanna hump something... Last feeling: Big ball stuck in my stomach wanting to jump out but when I sigh it goes for a few seconds but grows bigger... I wanna get it out but I can't update yall later with my perviness. Last updated 9:13 PM as of 11/7/14 Updated 8:53 PM on January 4th of 2015 So i haven't really updated my dysphoria issues yet really. Well. Let me just start off by saying that i had some damn sex idea issues! -.- I was in the bus when this first really entered my head. Sex. How was i gonna have sex? Will i feel any sensation down there? Well i started getting these really horny feelings about sex and me having some sex. I felt so damn bad about myself when i imagned myself fucking my girlfriend I believe. I would get these little sex images of me with a big penis fucking the brains out of girls. I felt really sad and bad about it every time after, because I don't have a penis right now! I cant exactly remember my feelings that clear but i felt pretty terrible about it. But as time kept going i kept imaging more sex. On yahoo answers i usually fucking look up sexual FtM information. Cause I get that fucking curious. I just really now got actually worried about my surgery in the future. Like, i don't know i feel so confused on which to pick. I want a good procedure done on me. I am actually thinkiing of going with the Meta, which i never in my wildest dreams thought i would go with. I am indeed planning to add balls and close my vagina opening and get the full meta. Hell no like i will have a vagina opening! I don't really know how to handle with this issues. I really haven't broke down crying cause of my vagina. My boobs yes. I really don't know what to think when i see them. Other than I am confused as fuck why this shit is on me. I really just wish my feelings were more clear to me. But i know i am pretty damn uncomfatarble with them. And the sex... That shit gets to me the most on my dysphoria issues. Worst fewlings ever. One thing i have noticed though, i dont look at heterosexual porn. If i do i feel so damn bad and uncomfatarble with my damn self. What i noticed is that i usually avoid looking at porn unless it is lesbian porn. That shit turns me on. And i noticed when i thought i was a cisgender women that i mostly wrote lesbian stories... Hmm? Only one was straight and that was a self insert. I felt extremely weird writing it the whole time. I prefer writing shit about lesbians. And looking at lesbian sex porn art. Holy shit those boobs those... So turned on. It is weird, but i try to stay away from heroesexual porn story or picture cause of my feelings. They trigger my dysporhia is all that i noticed. Like for example a picture that isn't self insert or straight porn makes me so damn jealous and horrible feeling. If it is self insert turns me on for some reason. Can't explain why but still feel really bad. And i am starting to feel horrible that i dont have a penis and i really really want one. Well wanna stop updating till later Update this shit late -Andre 9:13 PM Feeling: Horrible fireball feelings that is realeased but grows back tightly fphorrible annoying feelings... :/ 7:04 PM Feb 8th Tears rolling down and boogers as well. My forehead hurts and now I can't really feel any feelings anymore.... My dysphoria has increased, truly. Not because I wanted it to, but because it did! I was just looking up transsexual topics and sex strap-ons. I felt uncomfty and bad when it started talking about double sided shit where I will feel penetration too! Which isn't what I want! I want my sex to feel like a biological man! My heart is hurting... I scratched myself on the forehead and legs, and starting kicking and punching my matress while crying out desperately. I felt so horrible without my penis! I know I am more dysphoric than this... but I am pushing back my feelings. I really am starting to get crazy and dysphoric with my bottoms and sex talk! Whenever I hear sex tops I try to not say a word. Lately it is starting to make me feel terrible. I am just gonna end it here now... till my dysphoria comes cause there is more that I don't wanna spill out just yet :/ 6:09 PM 2:45 PM Dysphoira is sucking ass at the moment. My girl is now making jokes about my penis size and how tight I am. I just don't fucking want to here it no more! And when she talks about fucking, I just get sexy imaginations. But the truth is I am afraid to have sex! I literally imagine all the time about fucking a bitch. Then realize I have NO penis! I also started packing a few days back. My first official week packing as well. Thinking of buying a packer to at least see how my penis will feel like and look like. Shit I feel bad as I type this shit in. I want a penis! I don't like the idea of not having one... fuck, I am getting a headache as I think about this. It is truly annoying. But yeah, started packing lately. And remember how I dreamed about the flat chest surgery after good results? I dreamed about having my penis which I will describe in my dreams next. That and my friend just got his first binder. His chest looked the same when he was doing crappy binding. Anyways now I check to see if I look completely flat. I worry when I don't. But lately haven't been worrying so much cause of my binder. But I still feel bad when I see something is there. And this shit is completely hard to get off. And washing it is hard as well. I think I will just wash it next week. Don't feel like washing it this week. But yeah, all most two years of binding. And almost a week of packing. Look at how fucked up that is. I BARELY even packed till now! But I will tell you this, glad I waited. The packing now feels SO much better! I cut up some peach underwear and go like a waist band thing. Filled up raimaing parts into a sock and shaped it out like a penis. I just need the balls next to complete myself. Now I think about my penis 24/7! I go to sleep with it to! I don't ever take it off unless I am taking a shower! I just have problems with standing up peeing. It feels really awkward when I pee standing up. But at the same kinda happy I can. Shit, I want my penis. But one thing that makes me feel better is when "unfold" myself and find a starting to grow penis. It makes me feel actually better most of the time when I see it. That and when I think about the time where I DO NOT pack, it feels weird to think about. Like how could I ever be okay without packing?! How could I happily walk around without something between my legs! This penis will slowly change me. I know it will, fuck. I am actually now gonna practice fucking with it. My dysphoria gets mostly triggered by sexual conversations and thoughts. Like how I can't fuck anyone for a long time. Let me tell you this fucked up experience that happened on Thursday: I was thinking about loosing my virginity to a prostitute. So I thought before I go to Canada I can fuck them in New Braunfels. And I realized that I wouldn't have the surgeries by then! It felt so bad when I realized that. But so good when I thought I could. Ever since I got this packer I just think I have a REAL penis on me. Fuck, I gotta wait. And you know I am choosing to get the phalloplastly dick when I get older. I know surgeries will be better then, or grow my own dick. Well, that is it I believe on dysphoria. 2:59 PM
11/8/14 Time and other stuffUpdated on 11/8/14 at 12:03 AM. Time hurts, why? You see... Alright, well. Time. It hurts so much, why is this? Because you have to be patient. Time is something important, without time we all would have made horrible decisions and regretted a lot. Well, that is why we regret lots of things... Like, have you ever felt so pressured into making a desicion quickly, because if you didn't time would run out? In some cases, yes, you have to make a decision with a certan time period. But in also other situations you can take all the tme you need... I am talking about transition. Transitioning, itself takes years and years. I have thought about this plenty of times... Like, I remember when I first discorvered about this... Heh, I automatically thought I would start the hormones and bockers at least, within a week. I guess, well I never thought of time. Like, years of time. When I told my mom, well she didn't allow me to. So not much I could do there, but wait. Time, it killed me. Not literally... But mentally you could say, if you would like to describe it as that. Well, either way this process itself had not been easy for me. I have been like this for a yesr and four months last time I checked. Heh, funny how in the back of my brain I thought is would have failed. Well, maybe it did for a short period of time... But that is another story for another time, kind of. Back to time, I was so impaitent. I don't like to wait... When I want something I want it right away no matter what. I will fight for it till I get what I want/need. I did fight... My transition, it went well in some ways. Again another chapter that I will need to make another time. But this one is mostly based on time, and those extras are just related to this. But, yeah... Time. It is a funny word, why do we need time? Why can't we just get what we want? Why do we have to wait in order to get something? 1. If we truly want something we need to work for it, from what I learned. 2. Because life isn't like that, you can't always have it how you wish for it to be. 3. Because that is how the world works, and that is only if you work for it unless you're really lucky... Alright, so there was this video... A man walked inside his home angry about being rejected by women at the bars. He went to go brush his teeth right after, and slowly, but surely quickly his body started to transition into a womens. It started with his hips and but, to his arms, legs, face, chest, clothing, and etc. He became a women in five minutes literallly... He was pretty much checking out his new body pretty much, telling himself that he was a babe now. The video then cuts off cause of mature stuff that has to be watched on another site... But there was this comment, saying how this gives us transmen/women a bad image. And how this does not happen in the real world. We have to do this by years, not simply by minutes. I couldn't help, but agree with her. This does give us a bad image, that we simply don't deserve. How come this man turned into a women without effort? And why do I kee saying, man and refering to this man as a "he, him, his" because this is NOT a true women. It is exactly the same same as being born as a women, but not truly being a women but rather a man. And this was a man, simply because he has the mind of a mans. He had looked happy as a male, he was no crossdresser either, he was a simple avarge man. But somehow his body took a form of a womens. You see, he could never be a women, because these are not his intentions or thoughts. He was very excited about his new body, since he was a big perv. He checked out his body, admired it. He found himself increbily sexy and a smoking hot babe. He had looks, but that isn't what makes a women. He did not care about living as a women, he only cared about taking advantage of this once in a life time opitournity. He only wanted to test out the fun ideal sexy life as a women once, but not a whole normal life He would soon become bored of this, and return back to his naturual form. He does not deserve to be consindered as a women, because of his intentions. He is representing transwomen in the wrong way. The animation shouldn't even have to right to call itself transgender, if this man isn't. This is just plain stupid. And this is where time falls into place, why did he have this happen so quickly to him? Because it is simply magic and unrealistic. Magic is never is never a good road to go down on... I learned this off shows, magic never solves the issue. It usually makes the issue itself worse. And this created something that should have never been created. This was the wrong person to preform the magic on. This person needs no magic, for he is a faker. He will be a man trapped in a women's body while he is like that. And you cannot say otherwise, because you know I am right. You see time will only tell you the answer. I am sure you hear similar stuff like this all the time, because it is true. Without time it only tell you the lies. When you try to rush things or have things rushed... Are like lies in some kind of way. In transitioning they're big lies. Gender therapists are good for one thing, time. It can be scary though, I know. I am scared myself as well. I don't like the idea of waiting years. But they're required... Years, well you can at least most of the time make the right choice for yourself. I believe the therapist will make you go for a few sessions, but in the end have you decide if you are up for this. You are the only one to make the decision of taking these steps. You in the end made the choice to transition, not the therapist. They gave you options, but you expanded. You chose to take this road. Taking T for the first time... You have a choice, you can walk in that room like a man and just take it, or as a scaredy cat and run the fuck outta there! Same goes with surgeries... You in the end decide. Like me, I have to decide what I want in the end. This is something for me only to decide. Problem is... Been wanting to rush this process again and only been a week. I am trying to get myself to stop, this is silly. I only need to give it time. Because figuring out who I am is still confusing as ever. I know for a fact that I am not a girl, or gender-fluid. No matter how much you tell me that I am, I will deny it. Again another chapter for another time, but what I really wanted to say mostly is... My future self reading this, I am going to give myself time. After seeing that comment and this video, made me realise that I don't need to rush too. As in believing what I am gonna do in the future, that is up for me to decide later-on. I may be hell as confused about a lot right now, but with time every thing will make sense. I will have my answers soon... It has only been a year, and I still don't have those exact answers I am scoring for. I have just hit rock bottom, back to the start of figuring things out. I am slowly gonna figure this all out. I will over think about this, and feel no emotions. Which is actually bothering me, cause if I had these emotions maybe I could figure something out easier instead of being more confused and than I already am... I just hope future self, that whatever you decided that you really wanted it to be like this this is what you wanted. Don't hesitate to take as much time as you need, you will get through this and find out more. It is a slow process that needs no rushing. You will continue living out as a pre-op transman, and slowly discover what you want. I hope it is what I want, the surgery. Time will only tell... Time, I am putting all my hope in you. This is all I wanna say for now... Last updated 11/8/14 at 1:06 AM.
These New Feelings Update: 12/14/14I can't explain them too much, but recently things have felt better. Dysphoria has been growing higher and worse, just like I had hoped. My new councelour seems to keep me feeling so good. I bought some new masculine T shirts and a new pillow pet, I named him Sharkisho. Things have its up and downs, like yesterday night I had lost it when my two friends said, "She/her"! It utterly threw me off my game, because I had wanted most people to unfollow me. This social transition was hard already in the real world might as well get rid of people on here that I can. Though that hadn't gone too well, I only lost my four followers which was at least good others stayed with me which I hated, actually planning on PMing them about this situation I am in right now. This social transition was not easy and it isn't still, because of the fact that I am a scaredy cat to tell anyone about me being Transsexual pre-t/op transman. But that is okay cause I am still figuring things out, was also really close to getting my teachers to use the proper pronouns but councelour explained a possible situation that might throw everything in this world off. So I have to put that on hold till thongs get figured out in a better way. However I do have some people saying, "he" which makes me feel great. When my councelour gave me a example of the teachers situation I was so happy! I can't explain why but it felt great and normal. She makes me feel bad after a while I just loose it simetimes cause of it. And no idea how i am gonna pull my friends on the side and tell them out my transition it will be hard. But on another note, T and haircuts. Haircuts makes me a bit dysprohic okay well a lot. I feel so bad and annoyed by this haircut, usually in the mirror I observe my hair. I usualy roll it up to make it seem shorter, but it is kinda long for a mans haircut which isn't good in my situation. And my eyebrows are starting to fucking annoy me the most. I need to find a way to fix those as well without my mom noticing too much. She is already annoyed about my chest issues. Which I need to be more careful of around her cause you know my shirts might get taken away, and they mean a lot to me. I need them with me at all times no matter what she says. This transition has started and it won't end nope never, I am a new man of a new year. I am ready for the changes and the negativity in this. Bring it on bitch I will fight till the end cause I feel more sure and sure everyday. Things are getting better and I won't let them fall bad again. So yeah I am excited about my future haircut in just a few weeks! After the wedding I will be able to finally change my hair! Tehehehe, I already got a good idea. I think it is time I switch this hairstyle up a bit. No idea how I will get it without my mom saying no, but I will try to work something out. She knows it is already too late and she will have to accept the fact. But yeah super excited about my hair and that I can pass more as a male. And another thing I am excited about is starting T, getting much more deeper voice and facial hair. You see last year none of this mattered, but now it does. I am actually researching much more on it. And I recently found out about how I will be treated once I am on it for a few monthes which is a great note to look on. My guy friends would be amazing! Lady friends are cool too, but come on! I need a bro seriously need some guy talk time. Ugh, I am a guy too hello! Chicks and there annoying boy talk. -_- Pretty much just more excited and feel so much better after two weeks of this transition again. Well update ya later -Andre ended on the 12/14/14 at 5:05 PM.
Girlfriends Update (;7:09 PM Siana, there is this girl I have known since second grade. She has a crush on me...? It is quite actually entertaining to finally have a chick have a crush on me. I mean she is pretty, really pretty. Natural beauty and I hope that never changes, which is another thing I noticed I like girls without too much makeup. There the chicks that look the hottest to me. Makeup is cute too, but natural beauty is the best. So yeah... She is really beautiful you can say, most girls should really look like her. Though I wish she more of a curvy body but still pretty hot girl. And she likes me! But, I can't go with any girls that don't understand my situation. I need a girlfriend who understands that I am her boyfriend not girlfriend. Siana might understand, but there is another problem... I will only see her for the next couple of months then loose her for two years. :'( Which sucks! I need her so bad, I need her. I don't wanna believe that I am gonna loose her, but I know it will happen. Falling for a seventh grader is never good. V-v stupid ninth grade center fucking things up way worse! Girlfriend issues ugh, what else can I say? I mean I myself don't even fucking know if I like this girl like that to be all that honest. But for some reason I want her to kiss me. I don't know why, but I just wish she will and hug me more. I like to act annoyed and like I hate it, but she knows I like it! I have no idea how! I mean she hugged me in the hallways... I felt her boobies, they felt so good on my binded chest I wanted and still want to feel them again.... There so nice to feel. They jumped up and down slightly which felt good... I want that feeling one more time. And then she hugged me cause of some stupid girl who threw ice on my face! But yeah Siana wrapped her arms around my belly/waist, she yelled at me to hug her back and I did... It was great too... I of course acted like I hated it, but I know that I LOVED it! I never will admit it. God damn it, this girl gets me excited. It is something I can't control... And you know how I loose it easily? Well, that happened I lost it at our friends but with her she made me smile so badly. When I look at her I can't help but fucking smile at her. Even when I feel horrible she makes me smile just by looking at her! She told me that she liked my smile... I hate my smile, because she makes me smile and I don't understand how she does which annoys me so damn much! And another thing that annoys me is that I know I am fucking blushing, but she won't tell me. I already know that am blushing I already fucking know. It is so embarrassing! See this is annoying but I am just gonna stop here with these feelings. Because I myself am overthinking this and sitll don't know if O have a crush on her back. Ugh! Girlfriends such a stupid thing nothing but confusing creatures! -Andre last updated on 12/14/14 at 5:21 PM 3:59 PM 12/22/14 So... I got a girlfriend? Her name is Siana. I don't know why though? So how it happened. Well happened last Wensday and it was when I first came from lunch and saw some stupid couple together... Sigh. ): I got so damn jealous when he kissed his girlfriend. I wished so badly I could have a girlfriend and do that to her... </3 Then after getting so jealous and angry with myself I dumbly went back on FiMfiction. Siana texted me asking how I felt. I just responded with "Mad as hell, wbu?" And she surprisingly asked why and ignored my question. Siana: Why? Me: I am jealous of something... Siana: Jealous of what or who? If you don mind me asking... Me: Dang happy couples! I don't know why, but I just wish I had a girlfriend for some random reason! ): Siana: Well... Me: Well what? Siana: Nothing... I won't say for the sake of our friendship. Me: Oh come on! It can't be that bad to ruin our friendship. Siana: Ok... I like U... Me: of course! Why would we be friends if you didn't? Siana: No! Damn, I mean I like-like U... Me: oh Siana: Yeah... *Cries* Me: *Hugs* Stop crying Siana: HOW CAN I WHEN ALL U SAY IS OOOOOOH AND YEAHHHH! DAMN IT THE LITTLE DICK TELLING THE TRUTH! Me: Sorry, I just found it hard to believe that you would like me... Especially coming from him. Siana: Yea he was telling the truth. Me: So what you're basically trying to say is that you wanna be my girlfriend...? Siana: Yea Me: Well, if you're serious I totally wouldn't mind making you my girlfriend. I mean I totally would make you mine. :3 Siana: Holy shit Me: So wanna be my girlfriend? Siana: Holy shit yea Yeah so now we're dating. We hugged... No kisses yet Don't know why, but I am craving for one... Yet I still don't know if I have feelings for her romantically yet. I mean maybe crush? Here are signs that make me question this everytime: Smiling automatically around her My mood brighting up every time she is around Wanting to call her pretty or beautiful so badly Getting a bit nervous around her Getting jealous when she is talking with the other guys Wanting to kiss her for no reason Dreaming about her Thinking about her at night for hours That is all I can really think of right now. OKAY WELL I AM DONE NOW CAUSE THIS DAMN KEEPS FREEZING AND I AHVE TO FUCKING RETYPE THIS BULL SHIT FUCK THIS I WILL FUCKING COMMIT SUICIDE IF I NEVER FUCKING FINISH UPDATING THIS! CAUSE THIS DOCUMENT IS REAL FUCKING IMPORTANT TO ME! Update ya later mother fucker! -Andre last updated at 4:21 PM -.- 4:13 AM So I still have a girlfriend. Surprislingly. Since usually I break up with my girlfriends liek 2 weeks later. But then again, I don't know if I said this yet, but... I really just feel like I wanna be with her forever. I really can't imagne leaving her. I have a feeling she will leave me rather then me leaving her. But yeah, I surprised as hell why she hasn't left me yet? It is so weird. Oh well whatever, thisis good either way. Ok. So are relationship is by little bits starting to become more serious. We are hugging a bit more, and... Holding hands officially! God damn it, it is AMAZING! I like the holding hands mostly since it is new and not really use to it. But yeah, this is the first girl I hold hands with that I feel something. I have held hands with two other girls but never reslly felt much for them really. Siana gives me a good feeling. She makes my bottom area burning hot... She makes my heart race faster. She makes me feel something so good... It is impossible to explain it really. Get ready for it. I think I love her I wanna take her in my arms, hold her tightly and kiss her on the lips and say those three words so badly! I wanna tell her the sweetest things ever. I wanna hug her by the waist all the time. I wanna kiss her cheek so badly. I wanna talk to her all the time for as long as i can. I wanna hold her hand each time i get a chance. I wanna tell her, "I love you" every day! God damn it. I don't even care if she doesn't say it back to me or feels the same! I just wann tell her my feelings first!! God damn, but I need to kiss her first. Scsred as hell to... But if she asks me to, I will kiss her! I am not like talking a meaningless kiss... I want it to mean "I love you". Nothing more, nothing less. I don't know how the hell this is possible. But something in my brain just told me thatI love her. Well gonna stop here and updste whn things get more interesting Andre 4:31 AM 3:56 PM on 1/31/15 So I STILL AM WITH THIS LOVELY GIRL SIANA! Holy shit! I thought I wouldn't have even made it this far... things have gotten so interesting lately. So when I last updated this I said I thought I loved her, well get ready for this... I AM FUCKING IN LOVE WITH HER! I LOVE HER WITH EVERY INCH OF MY VERY SOUL AND HEART!!! I LOVE HER SO MUCH! I LOVE HER! She is the only person who matters to me. Even though for some times I wanted to give up on her and break it off and find a new girl. But that is just stupid. Siana is the girl for me... God damn it my heart is exploding out of love as I type this up. I fucking love her... All I can think about is her! She is all I want. I recently though have been thinking about our age difference. She is 13 and I am 15. She will be 14 in March doe... People keep saying that is a bad time to date. BUT I DONT GIVE A DAMN! I MAY WANT HER BODY SOMETIMES SEXUALLY! BUT I WONT EVER RAPE HER!!! I LOVE HER AND WONT EVER FORCE HER TO DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT!!!! I DONT WANNA USE HER FOR SEX OR ANYTHING ELSE JUST AS STUPID!!! ALL I WANT IS TO LOVE HER!!!!!!! I know I can't ever control my actions towards her... but I won't ever be the type to ever rape her. She is a very beautiful creature... her body is actually more curvy than I thought. She has such a cute little ass and big tits... But I love her for her not her body. I fell in love with her for reasons I don't understand. I fell in love with her... She kissed me forcefully when I was never in the mood. After that I seriously thought about it and it seemed so right to tell her. The next or two days I believe I told her. She hugged me crying sarcasticly saying "Nobody loves me! My cousin won't hug me!" And I hugged her so tight and the words "I love you" came out of my mouth. I didn't even mean for them to but they did. Jesus Christ she was like "You're only saying that!" And I of course said "No I love you... I was planning to tell you today." After that we kissed but she didn't say it back then. After that everything changed for me with her... Love is what happened. I haven't been able lately to control myself too much around her. I have been holding her in my arms more longer than I should. Been kissing her, been trying to hold her hand. I just can't control my body around her. Everytime I touch her or just look at her I go like "Damn, I love you so much" in my head. Nothing in this world couldn't make me happier than being with her besides being myself... Oh, she makes my heart melt so badly for her. Whenever she comes by me my heart starts to beat fast. I just fucking love her so much. I get lost in her beauty most of the time she talks. I feel so happy and calm around her... It doesn't matter if we're not talking just by looking at her makes me feel so happy. I pay attention to her FACE! not privates. I pay attention to her... to the best I can when I am not distracted by her beauty She is always catching me look at her. I wish I could just say it like this... "I love you... Everytime I look at you I get so lost in your beauty". But I don't wanna creep her out... But then again I really mean it at the same time. I just don't know why she makes me feel so happy! Just being with her my mood automatically cheers up even if I am in a bad mood. As long as I am with her I will feel better to some extent... She doesn't know it but she truly makes me happy. She is the only reason that keeps me sane and happy. I can't image the train wreck I would be by now if it weren't for her... My world was dark until her light showed up. The thoughts of her breaking up with me break my heart so much... I don't care if she doesn't love me back. I LOVE HER AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS! I WANT HER TO BE ALL MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO MATTER WHAT! I don't give a fuck if I have to risk my life for it! I will want her with my heart for a long time! I want her with me! I want to hug her so tightly! I want to kiss her on the nose and lips so gently. I want to hold her hand. I want to stare into her eyes and at her beautiful face for eternity. I want to hold her in my arms for as long as I can. I want to sit next to her and hear her talk 24/7. I don't want her to leave my side... I want her by me all the time. I want her to want my attention. She is hard to get. But I like that challenge. Makes me want to chase after her more. She has me literally wrapped around her finger. I will do anything for her at least I believe. God damn it I wanna buy her the world and take her to expensive places. Just on her one month anniversary I actually got her a pink rose. Haha she loved it thankfully. I now am planning to get her something for Valentines Day and her birthday. Now for the reason I love her is cause she makes me so happy. She is the only thing that I really want in my life. I can't truly imagine being with another person or leaving her side. I love her, cause she accepts me. She makes me feel so good... nothing really ever feels so perfect and magical with another girl. But really I can't explain why I love her... not any words can describe it. I just love her and that is all. Andre 4:25 update ya when this gets more interesting. 6:48 Feb 8th So I love this girl, like always... I missed a kiss from here though the whole week. But I did get some hugs and holding hands time. I mostly been hugging her more, and got to hold her hand once this week. I kept squeezing her hand, to show her I loved her. While we listened to her music, like said I will listen to any song she wants me to listen to just cause I love her. I will of course tease her about it. I wish I got a kiss from her.... nothing in this world feels better than my lips on hers. I wanna kiss her on the lips for as long as I can, and never let go of her. I am a love sick puppy now that I think about it. I honselty get annoyed and feel bad when she doesn't want to kiss me. But when she says she wants to that is enough to keep me interested and happy. That is all that counts her wanting it. But... she teased me on Friday and made kissy faces giving me signs to go in for it. And I do lean in to kiss her! But she pulls her head back and laughs! I get annoyed, and I just told her straight up "You know what I am done trying to kiss you!" And she just responds with she doesn't care. And I feel terrible about it... wanting her to kiss me and just having that moment with her. I mean one kiss will keep me happy. But now I feel like she is playing with my feelings which is what I don't want. I knew falling in love with her was A BAD IDEA! BUT MY ASS JUST TRIES TO BEAT THE SYSTEM HOW DUMB AM I! I love this girl with all my heart! And the last I want is to loose her or find out she just dating me to play with my feelings! So am done trying to kiss her. I also said I wouldn't hug her anymoe, at a different time. She said same thing and the next hours she is all like "Baby, I feel so hollow because you didn't hug me!" And here I am just like wtf? In my head not real life.... THIS WOMAN IS COMPLICATED!! SO COMPLICATED I HAVE A LIL CRUSH ON SOME OTHER GIRL CAUSE OF THIS! I NEED BACKUP AT LEAST! And I feel bad for that, but hey! And I know I will be the one having the bad heart break... I know I will be a terrible train wreck when it happens. I will act happy, but really I will just feel so fucking bad with myself. But of course I will move on to the next lady, which is my crush. And hope shit turns out better. But I know I love my girl Siana... But this is just heart breaking me. I don't wanna loose her. And then my stupid ex coming to the table! Now I will have to find a place to go! Cause he upsets me! And I don't want him to say anything to her or anything about our relationship! I don't want Siana to turn like him or be his girlfriend! I don't wanna loose her to that douchebag! I want him away! I want to only pay attention calmly to my girlfriend NOT THAT ASSHOLE RUINING SHIT! I ALREADY LOOKED UP PUNCHING SHIT SO I CAN KNOCK THAT FUCKER OUT! I SWEAR I FUCKING WANT HIM OUT OF MY SIGHT I WON'T DEAL WITH HIM THIS YEAR! I AM A NEW MAN OF A NEW YEAR AND I WON'T BE FUCKING TREATED LIKE SHIT AGAIN! FUCK THIS!!!! AND I WONT HAVE MY GIRL TURN INTO HIM!!! NO I WILL FUCKING NOT ACCEPT THIS BULL SHIT NO MORE! I HAVE MY OWN SELF RESPECT AND I NEED HIM GONE CAUSE I AM NOT HAPPY AND WANT TIME WITH MY GIRLFRIEND NOT A ASSHOLE! So yeah just scared of loosing her and her turning into him... Andre 8:02
12/21/14 A Bad Day Trans Problem Day.Updated: 10:00 PM So... Today I really just. Today was supposed to be a day for me to celebrate my moms birthday and her brother's birthday, as well. Well, when we got to the house I asked for cake and stuff. No cake. Oh yeah, I forgot! I had to dress like a girl... Ya'know since my mom really doesn't accept my problem. We get there, I eat. I just eat. I don't feel hungry, cause I just eat girl. Literally if I have nothing to do I will just eat or when I am sad, or just at both times! Which was kinda then... I was a bit confused too. I started out with cookies that resembled oreo's, then moved onto crackers then ate a shrimp soup. WHICH! Which I never do. I hate that soup and it was cup. So that was a change, must have been really depressed, but hidden deep inside. Yeah, after that I watch movies. We started off by starting with some movie about apes taking over the world. Yeah... Didn't work for me. Never would. You know just not really my thing, eh. After that like thirty minutes later we watch shrek. It was actually a good movie. Afetr that we watch "Zack and Cody Suite Life", "Hannah Montana", and lastly... "Cory in the House"! It was fun. I laughed the most at the Zack and Cody one. I don't know why, but it just one of my favorite shows to watch. So is Cory in the House. We went for a walk. We first started off by walking to see a Santa. Yeah, a dog then came in... We ran away. My mom ran away with my little sister Ivannah. I wasn't that scared though but I fast walked and made my grandma fast walk too. After that dogs just barked and I got hella scared and ran away leaving grandma behind. I felt so god damn bad and cowardly! I am the man! I need to protect these women, not be a scaredy women myself. It was just a embarrassing thing, but grandma didn't care too much, she just laughed it off. We walked then to the pool afterwards. We saw skateboarders. I felt so jealous and bad suddenly. They were boys, and I just thought that I belonged with them. I never understood why, but I just always felt like I belonged with the skateboarders. I gave myself the name "Skate", but I never knew why. Skating I guess is just a destiny waiting for me. It is weird, but I feel like I just belong there. And with the guys, because you know I am a guy. But I felt so embarrassed in this girls body with stupid girls clothes and makeup. I just felt bad, felt disgusted to look down at myself. Felt scared to look at the skateboarders everything felt wrong right after that. I saw a rose too. First thing I said was "This is perfect!". I said it so dreamy while thinking about giving it to my new girlfriend Siana. I just don't know why, but my brain just reacted like a any other dudes would about that. I then started thinking about buying a red rose for her and giving it to her some day. Yeah, I don't know why, but that just happened. We walk farther away from them all. Mom tells me about celebrating my birthday when my cousins are here. Sounds great! Expect for the damn fact that I have to be dressed like a damn girl! I want to be the boy I am, not the girl I was never. My birthday... This was all wrong mom. I want to celebrate at a certain pizza place with games to feel at least like I did once in my other trans memories. I just want to be myself on my birthday... It makes me sad and frustrated knowing that I can't even go out like myself around my mom and even on my birthday anymore. I am trying my best to fix this all. Can't believe I am turning 15 either... Fuck my life. Got home feeling horrible thinking about all this trans crap problems. I never will understand too much, all I know is that I am a guy. When I am forced to look like a girl I will always feel more depressed naturally. I will always feel genderless and sexless like I always have until I can be the man I was meant to be. The transformation will happen soon. I know one day I will be the guy I am. I have a terrible headache now. Goodbye, I am gonna sleep and try to feel better, I guess. -Andre last updated at 10:22 PM
2015... 'New Years Celebration Experience'January 1st 2015 at 2:45 PM Hey... so I don't remember the last time I updated this thing, wait wasn't it last week...? Okay, well. I am here to update this crap thing. Hopefully nobody catches me updating this crap, because everyone in this damn family hates me transgender ass. (At least when I am like this, and not faking how they want me to fucking be!) So yeah, well yesterday was terrible. I-I don't know, I really don't know why I myself went into a dark mood. You see, we were celebrating. Like when I got to the party everyone greeted me you know... like how they greet everyone. I got a few hugs and handshakes. It was a OK greeting. I really didn't even expect to be noticed since I am never really noticed, unless I am being my plain old transgender fucking self. Which for some reason catches lots of grownups attention. I don't blame them, if I was a cisgender man and saw a young transman like myself I would find that a bit weird, and be pretty damn concerned about that child. But yeah, everyone greeted me. I was having a good time for the first few 30 minutes really. Like I was just talking and being myself... expect for the dressing, god damn it was weird as fuck. Then suddenly everyone has to shut up for a while to do some New Years cheesy shit. Me and my cousin laugh for some stupid ass parts... but, I see people crying and sad faces and even smiles. It confused the fuck out of me, and made me feel concerned. But as a damn stupid idiot I do nothing! God damn, this pisses me off because I want to be a gentlemen to the best of my abilty not a bitch who doesn't give one damn fuck about anybody or anything. Anyways after that shit is over cousins go upstairs. I didn't go upstairs for the first part, because I did not feel like breaking the damn rules for a new year right away. (Sure as hell gonna break a lot this year! That is fo sure, don't even act like it won't be happening, cause as said got nothing to loose at this point in time!) So yeah, my aunt or whatever offers me some food... I say yes, cause I was a bit hungry. So I go to the table to get my food, but then she brings a chair and is all like: "Chica, sit down sit down" me: I am fine... really. I like standing- "No, no sit down please." Me: [sits down] OK... "Here have a coffee, chica!" Me: Thanks... and then I eat. I felt so damn uncomfatarble when that happened. Cause there were men and a boy about my age there. I felt so damn bad cause I was supposed to be one of the guys, not with the guys! Yeah so then the men that are my uncles give me some small talk. Oh dear lord... those she and girl pronouns shit is what really throws my mood off, especially when I wanna have a good time. But at the same time I can't do shit about it to keep my mom calm. And not start a shit of a damn scene. So yeah, after small talk I eat faster to get the hell out of there faster. After that go to the couch with a new soda, cause I did not give one fucking shit about anything not even if I would get fatter. Fuck my life... anyways my other auntie comes and my mom too, and they both tell me I can go upstairs. I go upstairs really slowly, I couldn't explain it, but when I went upstairs and felt a horrible damn feeling in my whole body, but not like sick kinda feeling. Anyways I go upstairs and try my best to feel good. I find everyone coloring and drawing, damn it! I sit down for a minute and dare not say a word. After that I feel like fucking crying... I then fucking stand my ass up, and go to the restroom. They ask me what the hell I was doing, and I just respond with I am need to be alone. And one says I am gonna get in trouble the other says who cares. I would normally get pissed off at comments, but I didn't cause I needed this! So I lock myself up in the restroom and just fucking cry my heart out! I scratch the walls and bang my head against the walls and whimper and sob. It was hell, I cried mostly about how I was a fucking pussy not to tell my friends about this. And how I would always be damn mistakned for a damn chick! And how I will never figure things out, it was just so much terrible transgender social problems that got to me. But the one thing that I mostly remember crying about is that I at a party with people who see me as a she... that is what really got me thinking. That these people see and think of me as a she. I then stop crying they call out my name I don't respond, cause I wanted to stay there longer and think and cry some more to get all these negative shit out of my system for the time being. They keep calling, then my fucking mom comes up and I have to get out... She is all telling me that she brought me to be happy, and in my head I am just like, "Yeah, bull shit. If that were the case you would let me be me" Auntie asks what is wrong with me, and I say nothing, I don't wanna talk about it. Because this is a subject not appropiate for a party. I couldn't tell them. My mom tried to get me to home early, but I said no, because I wanted her to be the one to have a good and long time at the party. She didn't deserve my shit not on her day off at a party. So after that I draw after she leaves... and that drawing was a chick sad. I go home then and fall asleep and have a dream. Which I should probably put for my dysphoria later tonight or today. But, yeah. Right now I am at grandmas feeling like shit still while typing this up in the restroom. Yeah, a sucky new years celbration bitch for me. Started off 2015 with my shit. And now tomorrow I am gonna have a pre birthday celebration. Oh this is something that will really make me feel bad... better go now update this later bye. ): Andre 3:11 PM
Birthday Experience 1/25/156:08 AM I woke up really early first in the morning, I walked right out of my room expecting "Happy birthday!" from my parents. Nope. I get a rant about how it is wrong to buy prepaid cards. Haha, but just you wait till how my dad seemed cool with it when I proved to him there would be no damn fee! It was all good at least now I am approved to get it most likely later today after school. I am feeling nervous and excited as I think about it. I was originally planning to get it on my birthday, but for some reason HEB not longer selled the damn card. Which sucked ass! I wanted that so badly. Anyways back to my day. So after all the ranting he cooled down and told me to get ready. Which I did. But when we were getting ready my little sister was screaming and kicking the ground. Which had triggered my dad to get angry since our downstairs bitches keep complaining about us making too much noise, which is ridiculous well at least I think it is. But luckily he calmed down telling us to go to HEB to get something for mother. After that we waited for him to pick us up to go my favorite pizza place "CICI'S" After that we went and I ate a lot... and we started talking about getting my laptop which I asked to get it that day. My mom and dad actually said yes surprisingly. I was happy cause after that we right away went to "Best Buy" to get it. Hell my dad even offered to get me a nice ass mouse for it and earphones. And he did which made me happy kinda. So now I am here typing up this up haha. Oh yeah and my thoughts were like what the hell? How is this possible since I have been a bad kid and since I am transgender? How would my mom ever buy me this? It was weird, but I didn't question them just let em do their work. After that I went on it at home and used it for a while. Went on MovieStarPlanet to announce my birthday and only two people told me "Happy Birthday!" But I guess that is fine, since I either way don't like too much attention. Mainly cause of my problem and cause I can get use to it. Which I do not wanna go through. But at least my best friends told me. I wish my two sisters were there to tell me that would have made me more happy. After that five o clock comes. I get my wallet planning to buy my card and cake. Well my mom is the one buying the cake and Chinese food. Which I thought was awesome! But anyways we get the cake. I tell my mom and she laughs telling me that I was gonna waste It on MSP with I know I won't not this year. I actually am only buying it to order my binder and some other cheap crap. I was excited when she said fine. She asked her co worker Terri if they still sold it and she said no. Which sucks. Oh well but hopefully at Walmart they do sell it. I am hoping. So after that we go home and eat our food. After I finish I get a call from my cousins wishing me happy birthday. Then after that go back on laptop waiting till my birth time 7:55 to blow out my candles and make a wish just like last year. Now this is the most fucked up part of it all. My dad got the candles up and when I was blowing them out my mom was taking a picture which set me off. And I think my sister blew them out. But my dad said I did and I feel like I did. But I just had to get this wish perfect for once in my life. But my sister always has to ruin it and everyone else. After I get messed up I start ranting and feeling horrible like I wanted to cry badly. But my dad says no make the wish. And I do but I felt like the energy just isn't there no moe. I really just felt bad that time. Then my sister got candles to blow out which is stupid! It is my birthday not hers! I need my wish to come true. Or else I will still feel miserable... It hurts me as I write this out. I just don't know anymore... and you know day ends with my reading fanfics and deleting messages. It was a okay birthday, but would have felt complete if I got to order my stuff as well that day. Andre 6:27 AM 2015
Trangsender, Transexxual, Sex, Biological Male Dreams Updates! (Mature)So I had this first amazing dream till the one about the sour patch which I should also talk about... Anyways so. I met this girl, she was a girl that looked exactly like a doll and could shrink! It was so awesome! I don't remember how we met or what we did before having sex. But I do remember the hot sex!! So we were in my room and I got horny, and starting humping her! I couldn't control myself! I really wanted to fuck her! She told me to stop... And do something else much more awesome! I took off my pants and so did she take off her own! And in this dream I had my miniature dick! But without out the vagina part, which was awesome!!! But it was so small! Which sucked ass! But! This Girl didn't give a fuck! I think she sucked me at first, and I didn't feel to good about my self. I didn't even wanna fuck her front entrance. Instead I told her, she smirked and turned around so she couldn't see it anymore. It kind of bothered me, but you know whatever. Anyways after that I just went crazy! Her body got small! And Then the next second I am just here fucking the shit out of her asshole! I. LOVED. IT!!!! I SAW MYSELF GOING IN AND OUT OF HER!!!! SHIT IT FELT LIKE HEAVEN!!!!!! ALL I REMEMERBED IS THAT!!! THE AMAZING SIGHT OF MY DICK GOING IN AND OUT, AND HER ASS JIGGLING! I THINK THAT ONE FIC ABOUT DIAMOND DOGS INSERT AFFECTED ME CAUSE I LOVED IT!!! The amazing sex feelings that went through my bottoms was the best part! God damn, it felt so good to have a little dick cause it had no vagina! It sucked that there was no balls, but at least I had the dick right? I woke up right after feeling so good, but annoyed! Cause I wish the dream was real and at least I could have my bottoms! I am just annoyed and feeling bad about it... It was good to have the first perspective and fuck that girl. I don't even wanna admit I am virgin, cause I am sure as hell not a dream virgin anymore!!! Oh and as for the sour patch dream, I had the male body and everything and first persepective. I was biological male in my dreams, which was amazing! I couldn't have been happier with the sex dream... but wish it lasted longer and had foreplay... -Andre 9:05 Andre 6:43 PM March 2nd I had a dream last week where I had a flat chest... I saw it a lot and couldn't stop looking down at my chest. The nipples were big but it felt so good and right. I didn't have any worries at theat time expect for the nippled that made it kinda awkawrd. I don't remember much other than that. Andre 6:45 PM 3:01 PM So I had a dream during the week, on school days. It was actually awesome! I had my VERY, VERY, VERY FIRST dream about having a penis! Bonus points, I grew my penis out! Like how I usually try to look at my baby starting to grow cock, I pulled them apart further the wall things or whatever... eww, and my cock popped out! It literally grew out! It came out black/brown at first but it was growing! Think it changed color, but this is all I remember. Don't know if more happened in the dream. But I felt it pop out kinda painful. BUT IT FEELS SO GOOD THINKING ABOUT IT! 3:04 PM -Andre 7:56 PM I had a dream when I was taken about fucking another women. My penis was the size as the furries penis fanart size. It was orange and yellow and lots of vains. The girl layed down on the ground and told me to go for it and I did. I thrusted hard into her and sensation filled my bottoms. it was the BEST sex dream I had so far other than the first. no one caught us and my dick was huge haha. 7:58 -Andre
I fucking hate being transgender thoughts! (Mature)6:17 It's just terrible! For two years this has been going on! Nothing but horrible feelings! My thoughts on dysphoria aren't even clear to me!!! Shit I hate life! It's hard to even focus on a normal life cause of this... Sex gets to me a lot, cause one I don't wanna be a virgin! I wanna fuck women too! I am a dirty dog, who wants sex just like any other biological man! We're pig headed, I wanna fuck women! I have a big boob fetish! Shit, I would do anything to grope a women's boobs, while sticking my dick into her vagina!!! NOT A STRAP ON A DICK A REAL ONE!! Is it so fucking hard to get that??!?! Without feeling bad about it! Knowing I will have to wait years for it... I mean I wanna save my virginity for a special gal, but at the same time want my dick! It wouldn't hurt me to have on and masturbate at least! I mean it will suck ass not getting the pussy! But it is better than nothing at all but dry humping stupid blankets! I mean it feels good, but I want my dick. And what I also hate is feeling sexless! But still male, feeling like I have no sex parts! Every time I think I manage to say "I am a girl! Wait what? Um no, I am a male!" Obviously my head doesn't react good to female thoughts! I literally believe I am male! Not female at all! Just a guy that got his dick and balls cut off in the uterus! Well at least how I wish to see it! And then people! They really don't understand they just look at us weirdly. Which I understand cause I can't even fucking understand orientation too much! Hell, I am still figuring mine out, but I am convinced I am 100 percent straight! I am a male, nothing in my head tells me otherwise. Everytime I think I will talk in third perspective about myself... I also feel so good about looking and acting so masculine! I wanna be as manly as I can be, I feel bad when someone takes that away! Like for example I was having these relationship search ups! I found out that I was a aggressive, dominating, manly protective boyfriend! But my girl I believe doesn't want me to be like that! I felt like shit, thinking how could she just want to take my manliness out?!?! Bitch, please! Let me be as manly as I can be at least! I swear I felt terrible and annoyed, and I will continue feeling this way if anyone or anything is trying to make me not so manly! I like being the man in everything! I love being call sir not ma'am! It feels weird, but I never correct them I just go with the flow, since it doesn't matter since I am not close to them really. But after a while it gets hella annoying, I just want it to stop most of the time. And when my friends use feminine pronouns that's when I wanna pull out a gun and be like, "Fuck you guys I am killing myself!" But when they get it right, oh I feel so good with myself! I am like, "Finally, you bitches get it right what a relief ohh!" It feels like a walk in the park when this happens. Things are getting okay, but I have to worry about future girlfriends and coming out! Most women I feel like would reject me and might not want anything special... You see, I love women. I need at least one women in my life to feel more complete and distracted with myself. I can't bare the thought of most likely being single cause of this... then I need to worry about moving to a whole another trans friendly place! Which I know will cost shit tons of money, then I worry about dates with ladies! I need that one special women as said! I swear it is just a complicated annoying thought... I just hate having to worry so much about being transgender. And when people think they got it so bad, but they don't know. Okay now I am done till I need to update this again! Andre 6:32
To get a girlfriend updates8:00 PM on March 22th Became single recently, would rather not write it out. Anyways, I think it is time I make a guide for getting a girlfriend for myself. I can't forever stay single or date online. Its time to move on the big steps. I need a girlfriend in general to be happy, well or at least to distract me from being myself. But what I noticed is first you need CONFIDENCE! I sure appear to have lots of confidence, and I am sure I have some. I just happen to loose it sometimes. But women NEED confidence from a man. It's time for you to man up Future Andre. Dude I know you are reading this because you're lost. Also bro you need to get yourself open out there for the ladies. Love WILL NOT come to you just by doing nothing. Give some effort to getting your crush to be yours. Also bro save some money up, you're gonna need it to take them out on dates and shit. But anyways, ask them out dude! Take a chance like what you did with Max before your transition. Cooly walk up and just tell them how u feel and ask. You really have nothing to loose at this point, really you know you don't. Next, compliment her dude. Be YOURSELF AND FUNNY! Just dude cool it down with the annoying you. Anyways man just you need to be yourself don't try to act normal come on man be weird and fun. And the girl will just adore you more. Also MAKE CONVERSATION! Try whatever just never stop. Next dress nice and have a good hygene. Just try to look your best and brush your teeth pretty much man. Btw, girls love masculine men. Try to be as masculine as possible to get the girl DO NOT BE A NICE GUY! Overall man you are a heart-breaker, and whoever the girl is make sure she is the one you wanna be with for a long time. Don't fucking choose wrong but be careful who you give chances to. Good luck with your romance, I will update this more when I get more tips. 8:10 PM -Andre
Her 1/20/15 - How it started8:55 PM Her is Sheikiolo. The most amazing best friend in the world. The woman who keeps flashing back in my mind, from time to time. Anyways, so Shekiolo is the very first girl who taught me how to love and to be myself. She actually was the help to my problem. I remember when a while back I told her about how I would get a sex-change and everything. To be fairly honest, no idea how I knew the word, but I just knew it. I knew what it meant. But when I told Shekiolo this is felt weird to say, cause I had this feeling. This imbalancing feeling everytime. I couldn't put my finger on it, the feeling of rightness. Saying I would get a sex-change felt right. It made sense each time I told her. Now what really was my excuse to do it... Was so I could be her man. I could be the boy she gets married to. So me and her could get married and live together a normal straight life. I had no idea why I wanted to change this bad for her, but at the same time it felt right. She even agreed to letting me be her man. After that life went on, but then... The doctors apointment when I was also going through that weird emo thing. I always wanted to be sad, but always knew inside me there was hidden sad feelings. But yeah I told the doctor when she asked me if I had any problems, I told her about the self harming and sex-change desire. She documented it I believe. It was something I tried hard to hide inside me and not dare speak of, expect when I was with Shekiolo. But then this shole changing never made sense. After that Shekiolo moved away in the summer, when I was still with my ex-boyfriend Rowan. Which was also weird, because when we were dating was when I first started to think about the change. Hmm, I remember one conversation on the phone we had. He said we would get married and put his weiner in my donut. It felt really weird to think about, but I remember saying to him I would rather do that to him. I don't know why, but I wanted to do all the man stuff in the relationships I had with other men. Example, I made the first moved ad gave him roses. Be the one to say love you first. Kisses I left to him. Then I always held Sheikiolos hand, hugged her too, and lastly laid down on the grass with her. We had romantic moments together. Even took her out on a date. Ah, it all felt okay at the time. That is then when later in the summer I discovered I wanted to flatten my chest. Get a surgery to flatten it like a guys. I remember I went to my mom first and told her right away. She gave me a disgusted weird look and yelled at me saying no! Then I felt bad, and after that I listened to a song that was dedicated to two guys in a relationship. My mind went really crazy at the time. And that is when I did lots of research and discovered my identity, transgender FtM male. Everything made sense mostly and felt right after that. Been transitioning slowly sine 2013 to 2015. Hoping to transition more years. -Andre 9:15 PM
