//-------------------------------------------------------// I'm Transgender... Documentation Biography -by BLANKDead- //-------------------------------------------------------// //-------------------------------------------------------// Ugh... I don't know... *Embarrassed blush* 11/7/14 //-------------------------------------------------------// Ugh... I don't know... *Embarrassed blush* 11/7/14 Updated 11/7/14 8:30 PM: Hey guys, I am Andre. I am a transsexual boy, not man yet. I am only 14, almost turning 15 next month on the 25th. But I personally believe that I turn 15 when the month starts. I can't wait to turn 15, I will be older and closer to starting horomones and gender therapy. Right now I really can't start it, because my mom disapproves it. She thinks it is disgusting. How do I know? Simple, yesterday: Mom: Why don't you want makeup? Me: I-I do... It is just that not for school, more like parties and going to casual places and grandmas... Mom: Oh, that is fine! Just as long as you're not thinking like you use to. Me: N-No, of course not... I am a girl. *Weak smile* Mom: That is great, sweetie. Don't be like that it is disgusting and I need to go back to work now. When she left I started thinking. I am disgusting to her... But I don't feel so bad. I was use to this kind of bull shit. Why? Because back in 2013 August, don't remember the day... I was first believed to be transgender. I don't know what the hell happened, but just suddenly it happened. I will add more information about this maybe later, this is really a big document. I indeed have documented before, and I sadly had to get rid of the papers cause of my ex-girlfriend Sarah. She was a bitch... There, I said it. I don't even know why I even dated her. It was funny, cause I had this really big crush on her back then. But yeah, my mom was disappointed when she first heard about it. She was very sad and disgusted. She treated me badly, and never the same after that... Everytime I talked to her I can sense so much negativity and disappointment in her voice. It was like she secretly hated me, but was forced to love me and take care of me. I never understood why herself was like this... I guess she didn't want me to go to hell, she is super religious. One of the reasons why I actually stopped myself from being this way. Well at least I tried to stop myself from being transgender/transsexual. One day they went away or something, and I was walking in my room. I was like, what the hell? Why am I wearing this? I am not a boy... I am gonna go to hell. Basically thinking like that, but... Well, After minutes that felt like hours of thinking like this I gave up on my dream. I had to let it go, I thought. I didn't want to go to hell... I for once thought I was gonna be happy. When I was clearly happy, but not as happy... I had gone through so much, to get to where I wanted to be. I had a very slow and painful transition mentally and not so physically. I had finally gotten to T-shirts and super boy hair cut! My mind had been changing, it had been closer to accepting myself. My mind went through so much damn pain and dysphoria. The dysphoria I had that was major... My chest, I fucking hated my chest. Still do kinda. Well I would cry and get stressed when I could make it flat. Took me a while to find a way... Got super stressed and bad when someone asked me about me binding my chest. I always lied saying I had a binder, when I truly actually wore 3 sports bras. After a while got three spandex tank tops, wear them here and there. I am feeling terrible while I am writing this... Like, I feel like something tight in my stomach is getting pulled out but it is stuck. My stomach feels like it is holding something heavy. Each time I sigh it kind of gets released but then grows back into a ball... I don't know what it is, but it feels like this while I write this fuckery out. This is hard for me... Really it is. Last updated 11/7/14 at 8:50 PM. Updated again on 4:24 PM So... I feel bad. Like I really just wanna leave this place, called Grandma's house. I mean I am pretty damn miserable at my own home, but not as miserable as here. I remember last year back when my grandma had told me about my trans problem... :ajsleepy: //static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/ajsleepy.png :fluttershysad: //static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/fluttershysad.png It hurts being here... I wish I could be accepted and be in a place where I was completely comfty. No matter how much I will try to be happy, I will always feel damn bad in the inside. I can't explain why, but this house just makes me feel a bit bad. I am thinking that this time and tomorrow, my stupid "Birthday Celebration" will be the last time I will be coming here. I feel sick, just like my dad has. I never understood why he never went outside, but now I do in some kind of way, in my own way... we're both sick, people like me just can't be let outside either. I feel like I ruin everyone's time, god damn it. If something bad kinda happens I just snap and go crazy. It has been getting worse, and I know I will end up loosing it really badly one of these days. Hell! Might even be tomorrow, god only knows. :fluttershysad: //static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/fluttershysad.png So yeah, I don't wanna come by this house never again unless I have to. I don't give a damn fuck who the hell is here, I never wanna come back. I know I will sometimes, but not really. At least whenever I can't come. I will finally be at peace when that happens. Still sad, but finally better. I feel so damn sad sitting here, I just wanna be home and think. I wanna cry. Again. You see, I store so many bad feelings inside myself and when something badish or something that makes me feel uncomfty, I just wanna loose it. When I am at home this barely happens, because at least I can prevent shit from happening. I know I am not ready to cry everything out... I am a new man of 2015, not the same man of 2014. And this year I will be fucking happy to the best of my abilty! I hope... So yeah, I am gonna stop here till another day. :fluttershysad: //static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/fluttershysad.png Andre at 4:38 //-------------------------------------------------------// Dysphoria Updates (Mature) //-------------------------------------------------------// Dysphoria Updates (Mature) Update 11/7/14 8:52 PM: I really actually don't even know... I am myself completely confused. When I look at the mirror I just see two balls, and play with them. Their pretty damn soft, I noticed that they got bigger for some reason when I went back to being trans. I want to be so upset over this, but I have no emotions right now... For days now... I want this to stop, and have my damn emotions back so I can figure shit out. But I feel like I can't even figure anything out like this... I wanna give it time I really do. Have you ever lost your emotions? Well, I loose them a lot more than usual when I am this way. I mean, I of course laugh and smile and all that shit... But at the end of the day, I am sad as hell or nothing at all. I just don't know... :ajsleepy: //static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/ajsleepy.png I am literally wishing to get my dysphoria horrible so I can get that surgery... I am scared out of my fucking mind about the therapist. I mean what if he/she rejects to write me a letter? What if I go to the therapist for years!? And never get that fucking letter!. :raritycry: //static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/raritycry.png Please, I just dont know... I already feel like I won't get those horomones, cause they could either tell me I am gender-fluid or a stupid crossdresser or even a fucking human with no gender/sex! :fluttercry: //static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/fluttercry.png I don't wanna be considered as neither of those... :ajsleepy: //static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/ajsleepy.png I just want this shit over with, I just want to get the surgeries when I can. I have no idea how I am gonna get enough money though... My only fear I guess well many too, sex change reassignment surgery is a big deal! I will be changing my genitals, this is big. Don't mind my chest, don't really give a fuck. Flat chest, cool bro. Feels weird having round lumps on my chest area, the hell is this shit? Penis, yeah why not bro. I want to fuck lots of chicks afterwards. I am a horny boy, and let me have them sexy erections... :twilightblush: //static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightblush.png I want to get the metaplasty or however you spell it and the phalloplasty. And get rid of this uterus if that possible, and get some balls. The biggest balls in the world. Okay, well really big... I already decided, take skin off my legs doc. Just get this shit over with. I had a sexual day dream. Some guy named Ronnie, well I imagened him on top of me while I lay on my stomach with my dicks flapping around the whole place with his. Then it flashed to me groping sime chicks boobies... And having my dick stuck in her anus, oh it is turning me on while I think about it! :twilightblush: //static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightblush.png :rainbowwild: //static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowwild.png Man I would have the biggest boner if I could. Once I get on hormones if I do I hope, I so will learn to masturbate the good way, and pleasure myself. I mean I might play with myself, but I never actually enjoy it... :rainbowderp: //static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowderp.png I never felt senseation unless I get on top of the blanket and fucking hump it hard with sexy porn images in my head of boobies and sex! All that, it is so hot. But when I try to fingure myself it like... Well feels like nothing, and so does massaging my man boobs and dont get me started with the clit. No senseation unless am humping something which I see my guy form doing i am my guy form... And they say shit like i would be able to pleasure a girl better cause I was once one! BITCH OLEASE I WAS A ALWAYS A BOY AND I NEVER KNEW HOW TO PLEASURE THESE LADY PARTS! :twilightblush: //static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightblush.png BOOBIES! :heart: //static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/heart.png I blame porn, I love porn and sex and boobies! Oh my bottoms are getting hot again, I wanna hump something... Last feeling: Big ball stuck in my stomach wanting to jump out but when I sigh it goes for a few seconds but grows bigger... I wanna get it  out but I can't update yall later with my perviness. Last updated 9:13 PM as of 11/7/14 Updated 8:53 PM on January 4th of 2015 So i haven't really updated my dysphoria issues yet really. Well. Let me just start off by saying that i had some damn sex idea issues! -.- I was in the bus when this first really entered my head. Sex. How was i gonna have sex? Will i feel any sensation down there? Well i started getting these really horny feelings about sex and me having some sex. I felt so damn bad about myself when i imagned myself fucking my girlfriend I believe. I would get these little sex images of me with a big penis fucking the brains out of girls. I felt really sad and bad about it every time after, because I don't have a penis right now! I cant exactly remember my feelings that clear but i felt pretty terrible about it. But as time kept going i kept imaging more sex. On yahoo answers i usually fucking look up sexual FtM information. Cause I get that fucking curious. I just really now got actually worried about my surgery in the future. Like, i don't know i feel so confused on which to pick. I want a good procedure done on me. I am actually thinkiing of going with the Meta, which i never in my wildest dreams thought i would go with. I am indeed planning to add balls and close my vagina opening and get the full meta. Hell no like i will have a vagina opening! I don't really know how to handle with this issues. I really haven't broke down crying cause of my vagina. My boobs yes. I really don't know what to think when i see them. Other than I am confused as fuck why this shit is on me. I really just wish my feelings were more clear to me. But i know i am pretty damn uncomfatarble with them. And the sex... That shit gets to me the most on my dysphoria issues. Worst fewlings ever. One thing i have noticed though, i dont look at heterosexual porn. If i do i feel so damn bad and uncomfatarble with my damn self. What i noticed is that i usually avoid looking at porn unless it is lesbian porn. That shit turns me on. And i noticed when i thought i was a cisgender women that i mostly wrote lesbian stories... Hmm? Only one was straight and that was a self insert. I felt extremely weird writing it the whole time. I prefer writing shit about lesbians. And looking at lesbian sex porn art. Holy shit those boobs those... So turned on. It is weird, but i try to stay away from heroesexual porn story or picture cause of my feelings. They trigger my dysporhia is all that i noticed. Like for example a picture that isn't self insert or straight porn makes me so damn jealous and horrible feeling. If it is self insert turns me on for some reason. Can't explain why but still feel really bad. And i am starting to feel horrible that i dont have a penis and i really really want one. Well wanna stop updating till later Update this shit late -Andre 9:13 PM Feeling: Horrible fireball feelings that is realeased but grows back tightly fphorrible annoying feelings... :/ 7:04 PM Feb 8th Tears rolling down and boogers as well. My forehead hurts and now I can't really feel any feelings anymore.... My dysphoria has increased, truly. Not because I wanted it to, but because it did! I was just looking up transsexual topics and sex strap-ons. I felt uncomfty and bad when it started talking about double sided shit where I will feel penetration too! Which isn't what I want! I want my sex to feel like a biological man! :ajsleepy: //static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/ajsleepy.png:applejackconfused: //static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/applejackconfused.png My heart is hurting... I scratched myself on the forehead and legs, and starting kicking and punching my matress while crying out desperately. I felt so horrible without my penis! I know I am more dysphoric than this... but I am pushing back my feelings. I really am starting to get crazy and dysphoric with my bottoms and sex talk! Whenever I hear sex tops I try to not say a word. Lately it is starting to make me feel terrible. I am just gonna end it here now... till my dysphoria comes cause there is more that I don't wanna spill out just yet  :/ 6:09 PM 2:45 PM Dysphoira is sucking ass at the moment. My girl is now making jokes about my penis size and how tight I am. I just don't fucking want to here it no more! And when she talks about fucking, I just get sexy imaginations. But the truth is I am afraid to have sex! I literally imagine all the time about fucking a bitch. Then realize I have NO penis! I also started packing a few days back. My first official week packing as well. Thinking of buying a packer to at least see how my penis will feel like and look like. Shit I feel bad as I type this shit in. I want a penis! I don't like the idea of not having one... fuck, I am getting a headache as I think about this. It is truly annoying. But yeah, started packing lately. And remember how I dreamed about the flat chest surgery after good results? I dreamed about having my penis which I will describe in my dreams next. That and my friend just got his first binder. His chest looked the same when he was doing crappy binding. Anyways now I check to see if I look completely flat. I worry when I don't. But lately haven't been worrying so much cause of my binder. But I still feel bad when I see something is there. And this shit is completely hard to get off. And washing it is hard as well. I think I will just wash it next week. Don't feel like washing it this week. But yeah, all most two years of binding. And almost a week of packing. Look at how fucked up that is. I BARELY even packed till now! But I will tell you this, glad I waited. The packing now feels SO much better! I cut up some peach underwear and go like a waist band thing. Filled up raimaing parts into a sock and shaped it out like a penis. I just need the balls next to complete myself. Now I think about my penis 24/7! I go to sleep with it to! I don't ever take it off unless I am taking a shower! I just have problems with standing up peeing. It feels really awkward when I pee standing up. But at the same kinda happy I can. Shit, I want my penis. But one thing that makes me feel better is when "unfold" myself and find a starting to grow penis. It makes me feel actually better most of the time when I see it. That and when I think about the time where I DO NOT pack, it feels weird to think about. Like how could I ever be okay without packing?! How could I happily walk around without something between my legs! This penis will slowly change me. I know it will, fuck. I am actually now gonna practice fucking with it. My dysphoria gets mostly triggered by sexual conversations and thoughts. Like how I can't fuck anyone for a long time. Let me tell you this fucked up experience that happened on Thursday: I was thinking about loosing my virginity to a prostitute. So I thought before I go to Canada I can fuck them in New Braunfels. And I realized that I wouldn't have the surgeries by then! It felt so bad when I realized that. But so good when I thought I could. Ever since I got this packer I just think I have a REAL penis on me. Fuck, I gotta wait. And you know I am choosing to get the phalloplastly dick when I get older. I know surgeries will be better then, or grow my own dick. Well, that is it I believe on dysphoria. 2:59 PM //-------------------------------------------------------// 11/8/14 Time and other stuff //-------------------------------------------------------// 11/8/14 Time and other stuff Updated on 11/8/14 at 12:03 AM. Time hurts, why? You see... Alright, well. :ajsleepy: //static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/ajsleepy.png Time. It hurts so much, why is this? Because you have to be patient. Time is something important, without time we all would have made horrible decisions and regretted a lot. Well, that is why we regret lots of things... Like, have you ever felt so pressured into making a desicion quickly, because if you didn't time would run out? In some cases, yes, you have to make a decision with a certan time period. But in also other situations you can take all the tme you need... I am talking about transition. Transitioning, itself takes years and years. I have thought about this plenty of times... Like, I remember when I first discorvered about this... Heh, I automatically thought I would start the hormones and bockers at least, within a week. :twilightsheepish: //static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsheepish.png I guess, well I never thought of time. Like, years of time. When I told my mom, well she didn't allow me to. So not much I could do there, but wait. Time, it killed me. Not literally... But mentally you could say, if you would like to describe it as that. Well, either way this process itself had not been easy for me. I have been like this for a yesr and four months last time I checked. Heh, funny how in the back of my brain I thought is would have failed. Well, maybe it did for a short period of time... But that is another story for another time, kind of. Back to time, I was so impaitent. I don't like to wait... When I want something I want it right away no matter what. I will fight for it till I get what I want/need. I did fight... My transition, it went well in some ways. Again another chapter that I will need to make another time. But this one is mostly based on time, and those extras are just related to this. But, yeah... Time. It is a funny word, why do we need time? Why can't we just get what we want? Why do we have to wait in order to get something? 1. If we truly want something we need to work for it, from what I learned. 2. Because life isn't like that, you can't always have it how you wish for it to be. 3. Because that is how the world works, and that is only if you work for it unless you're really lucky... Alright, so there was this video... A man walked inside his home angry about being rejected by women at the bars. He went to go brush his teeth right after, and slowly, but surely quickly his body started to transition into a womens. It started with his hips and but, to his arms, legs, face, chest, clothing, and etc. He became a women in five minutes literallly... He was pretty much checking out his new body pretty much, telling himself that he was a babe now. The video then cuts off cause of mature stuff that has to be watched on another site... But there was this comment, saying how this gives us transmen/women a bad image. And how this does not happen in the real world. We have to do this by years, not simply by minutes. I couldn't help, but agree with her. This does give us a bad image, that we simply don't deserve. How come this man turned into a women without effort? And why do I kee saying, man and refering to this man as a "he, him, his" because this is NOT a true women. It is exactly the same same as being born as a women, but not truly being a women but rather a man. And this was a man, simply because he has the mind of a mans. He had looked happy as a male, he was no crossdresser either, he was a simple avarge man. But somehow his body took a form of a womens. You see, he could never be a women, because these are not his intentions or thoughts. He was very excited about his new body, since he was a big perv. He checked out his body, admired it. He found himself increbily sexy and a smoking hot babe. He had looks, but that isn't what makes a women. He did not care about living as a women, he only cared about taking advantage of this once in a life time opitournity. He only wanted to test out the fun ideal sexy life as a women once, but not a whole normal life He would soon become bored of this, and return back to his naturual form. He does not deserve to be consindered as a women, because of his intentions. He is representing transwomen in the wrong way. The animation shouldn't even have to right to call itself transgender, if this man isn't. This is just plain stupid. And this is where time falls into place, why did he have this happen so quickly to him? Because it is simply magic and unrealistic. Magic is never is never a good road to go down on... I learned this off shows, magic never solves the issue. It usually makes the issue itself worse. And this created something that should have never been created. This was the wrong person to preform the magic on. This person needs no magic, for he is a faker. He will be a man trapped in a women's body while he is like that. And you cannot say otherwise, because you know I am right. You see time will only tell you the answer. I am sure you hear similar stuff like this all the time, because it is true. Without time it only tell you the lies. When you try to rush things or have things rushed... Are like lies in some kind of way. In transitioning they're big lies. Gender therapists are good for one thing, time. It can be scary though, I know. I am scared myself as well. I don't like the idea of waiting years. But they're required... Years, well you can at least most of the time make the right choice for yourself. I believe the therapist will make you go for a few sessions, but in the end have you decide if you are up for this. You are the only one to make the decision of taking these steps. You in the end made the choice to transition, not the therapist. They gave you options, but you expanded. You chose to take this road. Taking T for the first time... You have a choice, you can walk in that room like a man and just take it, or as a scaredy cat and run the fuck outta there! Same goes with surgeries... You in the end decide. Like me, I have to decide what I want in the end. This is something for me only to decide. Problem is... Been wanting to rush this process again and only been a week. I am trying to get myself to stop, this is silly. I only need to give it time. Because figuring out who I am is still confusing as ever. I know for a fact that I am not a girl, or gender-fluid. No matter how much you tell me that I am, I will deny it. Again another chapter for another time, but what I really wanted to say mostly is... My future self reading this, I am going to give myself time. After seeing that comment and this video, made me realise that I don't need to rush too. As in believing what I am gonna do in the future, that is up for me to decide later-on. I may be hell as confused about a lot right now, but with time every thing will make sense. I will have my answers soon... It has only been a year, and I still don't have those exact answers I am scoring for. I have just hit rock bottom, back to the start of figuring things out. I am slowly gonna figure this all out. I will over think about this, and feel no emotions. Which is actually bothering me, cause if I had these emotions maybe I could figure something out easier instead of being more confused and than I already am... :ajsleepy: //static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/ajsleepy.png I just hope future self, that whatever you decided that you really wanted it to be like this this is what you wanted. Don't hesitate to take as much time as you need, you will get through this and find out more. It is a slow process that needs no rushing. You will continue living out as a pre-op transman, and slowly discover what you want. I hope it is what I want, the surgery. Time will only tell... Time, I am putting all my hope in you. This is all I wanna say for now... Last updated 11/8/14 at 1:06 AM. //-------------------------------------------------------// These New Feelings Update: 12/14/14 //-------------------------------------------------------// These New Feelings Update: 12/14/14 I can't explain them too much, but recently things have felt better. Dysphoria has been growing higher and worse, just like I had hoped. My new councelour seems to keep me feeling so good. I bought some new masculine T shirts and a new pillow pet, I named him Sharkisho. Things have its up and downs, like yesterday night I had lost it when my two friends said, "She/her"! It utterly threw me off my game, because I had wanted most people to unfollow me. This social transition was hard already in the real world might as well get rid of people on here that I can. Though that hadn't gone too well, I only lost my four followers which was at least good others stayed with me which I hated, actually planning on PMing them about this situation I am in right now. This social transition was not easy and it isn't still, because of the fact that I am a scaredy cat to tell anyone about me being Transsexual pre-t/op transman. But that is okay cause I am still figuring things out, was also really close to getting my teachers to use the proper pronouns but councelour explained a possible situation that might throw everything in this world off. So I have to put that on hold till thongs get figured out in a better way. However I do have some people saying, "he" which makes me feel great. When my councelour gave me a example of the teachers situation I was so happy! I can't explain why but it felt great and normal. She makes me feel bad after a while I just loose it simetimes cause of it. And no idea how i am gonna pull my friends on the side and tell them out my transition it will be hard. But on another note, T and haircuts. Haircuts makes me a bit dysprohic okay well a lot. I feel so bad and annoyed by this haircut, usually in the mirror I observe my hair. I usualy roll it up to make it seem shorter, but it is kinda long for a mans haircut which isn't good in my situation. And my eyebrows are starting to fucking annoy me the most. I need to find a way to fix those as well without my mom noticing too much. She is already annoyed about my chest issues. Which I need to be more careful of around her cause you know my shirts might get taken away, and they mean a lot to me. I need them with me at all times no matter what she says. This transition has started and it won't end nope never, I am a new man of a new year. I am ready for the changes and the negativity in this. Bring it on bitch I will fight till the end cause I feel more sure and sure everyday. Things are getting better and I won't let them fall bad again. So yeah I am excited about my future haircut in just a few weeks! After the wedding I will be able to finally change my hair! Tehehehe, I already got a good idea. I think it is time I switch this hairstyle up a bit. No idea how I will get it without my mom saying no, but I will try to work something out. She knows it is already too late and she will have to accept the fact. But yeah super excited about my hair and that I can pass more as a male. And another thing I am excited about is starting T, getting much more deeper voice and facial hair. You see last year none of this mattered, but now it does. I am actually researching much more on it. And I recently found out about how I will be treated once I am on it for a few monthes which is a great note to look on. My guy friends would be amazing! Lady friends are cool too, but come on! I need a bro seriously need some guy talk time. Ugh, I am a guy too hello! Chicks and there annoying boy talk. -_- Pretty much just more excited and feel so much better after two weeks of this transition again. Well update ya later -Andre ended on the 12/14/14 at 5:05 PM. //-------------------------------------------------------// Girlfriends Update (; //-------------------------------------------------------// Girlfriends Update (; 7:09 PM Siana, there is this girl I have known since second grade. She has a crush on me...? It is quite actually entertaining to finally have a chick have a crush on me. I mean she is pretty, really pretty. Natural beauty and I hope that never changes, which is another thing I noticed I like girls without too much makeup. There the chicks that look the hottest to me. Makeup is cute too, but natural beauty is the best. So yeah... She is really beautiful you can say, most girls should really look like her. Though I wish she more of a curvy body but still pretty hot girl. And she likes me! But, I can't go with any girls that don't understand my situation. I need a girlfriend who understands that I am her boyfriend not girlfriend. Siana might understand, but there is another problem... I will only see her for the next couple of months then loose her for two years. :'( Which sucks! I need her so bad, I need her. I don't wanna believe that I am gonna loose her, but I know it will happen. Falling for a seventh grader is never good. V-v stupid ninth grade center fucking things up way worse! Girlfriend issues ugh, what else can I say? I mean I myself don't even fucking know if I like this girl like that to be all that honest. But for some reason I want her to kiss me. I don't know why, but I just wish she will and hug me more. I like to act annoyed and like I hate it, but she knows I like it! I have no idea how! I mean she hugged me in the hallways... I felt her boobies, they felt so good on my binded chest I wanted and still want to feel them again.... There so nice to feel. They jumped up and down slightly which felt good... I want that feeling one more time. And then she hugged me cause of some stupid girl who threw ice on my face! But yeah Siana wrapped her arms around my belly/waist, she yelled at me to hug her back and I did... It was great too... I of course acted like I hated it, but I know that I LOVED it! I never will admit it. God damn it, this girl gets me excited. It is something I can't control... And you know how I loose it easily? Well, that happened I lost it at our friends but with her she made me smile so badly. When I look at her I can't help but fucking smile at her. Even when I feel horrible she makes me smile just by looking at her! She told me that she liked my smile... I hate my smile, because she makes me smile and I don't understand how she does which annoys me so damn much! And another thing that annoys me is that I know I am fucking blushing, but she won't tell me. I already know that am blushing I already fucking know. It is so embarrassing! See this is annoying but I am just gonna stop here with these feelings. Because I myself am overthinking this and sitll don't know if O have a crush on her back. Ugh! Girlfriends such a stupid thing nothing but confusing creatures! -Andre last updated on 12/14/14 at 5:21 PM 3:59 PM 12/22/14 So... I got a girlfriend? Her name is Siana. I don't know why though? So how it happened. Well happened last Wensday and it was when I first came from lunch and saw some stupid couple together... Sigh. ): I got so damn jealous when he kissed his girlfriend. I wished so badly I could have a girlfriend and do that to her...