Rainbow Dash desired a particular item. For her own personal use.
This item was not something easily obtained. It was widely available in this day and age, of course, from various places, but still… buying one was not quite as simple as going to the corner store. Rainbow desired one nonetheless. She had an urge, you see. Oh, it was a perfectly natural urge, and Rainbow knew this, but it was still something – she thought – that was not normally discussed in polite company.
Rainbow didn't absolutely need it, of course. She had other ways to take care of this… problem, and she had done so, many, many times in the past. But it was such a… primitive method, you might say. It was easy enough, but she felt like she was a little more grown up now. She desired something… more.
Yet, despite her very natural urges, and her desire to acquire the item that could satisfy them, she did not know where to acquire said item. It was not something that one simply asked around for. Though she was in no way ashamed of herself, the topic was, again, not something she would readily and openly discuss. Especially not to just anypony, lest somepony get the wrong ideas about her. She had a reputation to uphold, after all, and gossip spreads fast.
Even if she inquired with one of her dearest friends – she was certain – they would all blab about it to one another and then they would all get the wrong ideas about her. That's not something Rainbow was willing to let happen. She was the cool one. The sturdy rock, infallible. Invulnerable to such silly things. She wasn't willing to let anypony think any less of her, no matter how natural, or even normal, this all was.
But Rainbow knew she'd have less of a chance of tarnishing her shiny spotless spit-shined reputation by discussing this with a friend, rather than a complete stranger. Well, short of taking a train to somewhere far, far away like Manehatten, and then asking around there. While wearing a trench coat, fedora, and sunglasses to hide her identity, of course. But then she'd just come off as a complete creep. She doubted anypony would even want to help her find what she wanted, if she had to go around asking for it dressed up like that.
Of her five closest friends – not counting Spike because that would just be weird – she had a sneaking suspicion that more of them possessed this item than most ponies would think. But she had to be certain before she just up and asked. Rainbow believed that Rarity had mentioned – in passing – something about having one. In fact, Rainbow suspected Rarity would have one, being the kind of lady she is. But Rainbow had definitely heard Twilight say she had one, at some point or another. Besides, she thought, asking Rarity might lead to an even stranger conversation than she might have with Twilight. And Rarity, everypony knew, had loose lips. So Twilight it was.
It was a difficult question to broach, to be sure. Rainbow stood at Twilight's door babbling for a solid minute before Twilight had to just tell her to spit it out already. Rainbow did, and of course the inevitable barrage of counter-questions came from Twilight, which Rainbow tried desperately to brush off. She was blushing very quickly, and Twilight – caring for her friend – calmed her down and reassured her that there was nothing at all abnormal about any of this. Lots of mares had one, after all, and stallions too!
Rainbow thought about it. Stallions? She didn't think they were that common. But then again, she had never asked, so how would she know?
Twilight had mentioned something about perhaps buying one used. But the very thought disgusted Rainbow. This was for her own personal use, for pony's sake! She did not want a used one, covered in somepony else's germs and hairs and who knows what else? Even if Rainbow would've entertained such an idea, it would mean she would have to rigorously clean the thing. And Rainbow just couldn't help but feel that no matter how sanitized she could get it, it would always feel like somepony else had used it. Yuck. Twilight had even offered the use of hers – apparently packed away in some box somewhere – to which Rainbow politely (and perhaps a bit awkwardly) declined.
No, she wanted one to call her own, and she wanted it fresh, clean, and new.
Twilight naturally agreed to help Rainbow in her endeavor. And to keep it under her proverbial hat. She discretely asked around for a few days. Rainbow knew her friend would be good at this, she could somehow ask the questions that would lead her to where to ask the actual question, without giving away much, if anything. Rainbow admired this skill. It seemed like another kind of magic to her, a magic of words. Though perhaps, and more likely, Twilight just knew who to ask and for what.
In only a few days' time, Twilight had an answer for Rainbow. She had located an actual printed mail-order catalog from a manufacturer that she highly recommended. Rainbow was just about to fly off with said catalog in her mouth, when Twilight called her back. Twilight insisted that she help Rainbow make a selection. But Rainbow was embarrassed enough as it was, having already asked so much of her friend for such a personal matter. She thought she would be perfectly fine picking one out on her lonesome, and she didn't really feel entirely comfortable discussing the intimate details of her use of the item with Twilight.
But her friend did not relent, she absolutely insisted she have some say in the matter, her having used one before, and Rainbow having not. Ultimately, Rainbow conceded. Twi had a point, after all. They sat together in private, Spike having been off helping Rarity with something or other, the little rascal.
Rainbow found, though, that after the initial awkwardness, it was really quite easy to talk with Twilight about such things. Fun, even. They even shared a few laughs about their past experiences. Together, they picked just the right one for Rainbow, who was surprised at the vast selection of models. They had one for everypony, that was for sure. She saw some in that catalog that she didn't even know existed – or for that matter what kind of crazy pony would use some of those things!
The final choice felt like the right one for Rainbow. It was not too small, nor too big. Sleek and smooth, it definitely appealed to her. They even had a wide selection of colors – to Rainbow's amazement – but she refused to let Twilight in on just what color she wanted. With a decision made, Rainbow took the catalog home, and filled out the mail order form by herself. She slid the paper in an envelope along with a check made out to the manufacturer for the listed price. She was grateful that the name of the manufacturer was frequently abbreviated, lest somepony see the name in the mailing address. Not that Derpy would pay attention to such things, but still.
Even as an abbreviation, Rainbow still tossed around the idea of not even writing a return address on the envelope and then sticking it in somepony else's mailbox for pickup. But she figured if for some strange reason it didn't make it through sorting, one of the local mailponies would probably recognize where it came from, and send it back. Which would be to the wrong house. Then somepony would open it and figure out what was going on. So she just wrote her own return address on the envelope, stamped it, and flew it down to her mail box. And lifted up the little red flag.
Finally, after two excruciatingly long weeks, it arrived, in a very large rectangular wooden box. The sheer size of the crate frightened her. Was that it? It was huge! What kind of monstrosity had she ordered, she wondered. Surely she had ordered the right one? The thought crossed her mind that Twilight might've pulled a prank on her somehow. But Rainbow quickly dispelled that thought. She herself had filled out the ordering form. No foul play or trickery could've been had there.
Upon cracking open the box, she found the packaging to be deceptively large. The product inside, she felt, was of a perfectly normal size. One that she felt she would be quite comfortable with.
And there it was. Finally. The custom color – a powder blue, much like her own coat – was spot-on to what she had imagined. A brief inspection of the packing had led to the discovery of a box of accessories! Rainbow wondered wide-eyed at what strange and foreign things might have been considered 'accessories' to such a product. But she set the small box aside unopened, thinking to herself, 'later.'
A small square of paper was stuck to the product, a piece of advice from the manufacturer. She already had some idea, but the paper made it perfectly clear that lubrication was key to good, long-lasting enjoyment of their product.
Giddy that she had finally received it, Rainbow decided to use it immediately. She took it to her bedroom and placed it on her bed. Taking every precaution to guard her precious reputation, she closed all the cloud curtains on her windows. Lest some poor young filly fly by and catch a glimpse of Rainbow in the act.
She had everything she needed. She was ready. Keeping in mind to make steady, even, yet firm movements… She began. Only a few strokes in, Rainbow stopped for a moment and smiled, reveling in her enjoyment. Boy, did it feel good…
…to finally have a typewriter to write her fanfictions.
Author's Note
Keystrokes, people. Keystrokes. What the hell were you thinking?
If you liked it, I'd really like it if you followed me :D
Next chapter is all author's notes.
THERE ARE SPOILERS HERE!
One night I was listening to Leroy Anderson's 'The Typewriter' and I was thinking that I should dust off my old 1920's Underwood, and maybe oil it. Sometime later that night, in my sleepiness-induced delerium, the thought crossed my mind of the description of keystrokes being used as a sexual innuendo. For some reason, I kept thinking of typewriter-related innuendos, and then it dawned on me that this was a pony fic a-brewing. Question is, which pony would suit this story? I had considered Applejack, it would be easy to make her out to be the closet-literary type. But Dashie was so much more ready for the role. She's already a hard-core Daring Do fangirl... fanfilly? And she actually has mentioned - in the show - that she writes stories (S3 E9). Might've been a bit of a joke, but it's not a far stretch to assume she'd write some Daring Do fanfiction. Plus, Dashie has that reputation complex, wanting to look like the awesomest pony in town to everyone. That works both ways, she could just as easily be embarassed about buying personal toys as she would be about buying a typewriter.
As for the whole 'used' thing, obviously a thing with adult toys. But not so much with a typewriter, you might say. Well, I once had a friend who compared owning a used car to using a used condom. Some people are just picky about stuff like that, and not necessarily germophobes. I have, of course, heard of ashamed kids buying used toys on ebay. Which genuinely does disgust me. Hence that whole bit in the story. That's just nasty. Like... buying used underwear, but worse.
Actually that whole schtick influenced the part of the story about Rainbow not wanting to put a return address on the envelope. Hehe. And the idea that the manufacturer's name is abbreviated is also part of that. I suppose the goal of buying used toys is for kids using their parents' credit cards, and not wanting 'DRAGON DILDO' showing up on a statement. I'm not sure of the actual name they use, but I'm pretty sure Bad Dragon is marked under something along the lines of 'Dragon, Inc.' Which is something professional looking and not... implicative.
The section with the mail order catalog, or rather the vast selection therein, came to me when I randomly looked up my Underwood typewriter on ebay, for pricing. Apparently, it isn't worth a whole lot :/ While searching ebay listings, I actually came across a bunch of strange and bizarre models. Most notably, an otherwise normal model that had an extremely wide carriage, meant for 3 foot wide paper. And also, a smaller 'portable' model that typed in cursive font. Those kind of blew my mind, I guess I never really looked into typewriters before. And, of course, that matches up quite well with all the crazy adult toys that exist.
The lubrication innuendo spawned directly from me considering oiling my own typewriter. Which would probably be a pain.
The ending reveal actually took some thinking. It was probably the last part of the story that I conceived. I didn't really know how to deliver it. I was originally going to just have it say, 'she typed "once upon a time..." ' hence the name of the chapter. But then, I realized, I'll just do what I do best: put an obnoxiously large paragraph space, to force a pause. A lot of readers despise my long breaks. But they get the job done.
By the way, I own a couple typewriters, yes, but I've honestly never actually typed anything of any importance on one. I'm not some hard-core literary nerd who prefers using a mechanical typewriter. MS Word is the way to go, in my opinion. (Although I am a bit picky about my computer keyboard.) Truthfully, I appreciate typewriters as mechanical marvels more than anything, and I'm hardly a collector.
