Draconequus: Subspecies: Homo Sapien Sapiens

by MidnightChaos

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Discord, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 4063

Humans have long been seen as myths in the Equestrian World. Stories to make people laugh. Stories of grandeur, stories of horror and stories of death.

Discord has long been the last of his kind. Feeling lonely he searches for familiar creatures and finds some strange creatures that are an apparent subspecies of his, who knew?
These Homo Sapiens have long since left Equestria to start over for fun. Over time they lost their powers and began to make sense.
Most of them.
A small few still remember and know their origins. Or at least have an idea.
They came back.

Just a little mini-series on the antics of a few humans who come to Equestria.

Published 2014-12-11 20:20:04 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-11 06:04:16 UTC

Celestia's Perils and the Human That Saves Her

Celestia was once again in the meeting of nobles, absolutely exhausted, and completely, utterly, bored. These awful discussions about raising taxes, marriage, and laws. She looked down at the ridiculously long list of the agenda. Curse the unicorn who created the Time-Expansion Spell she thought. The horrific spell allowed 2-hour long meetings to go on for 2 days without leaving the participants with consequences. Already she had been sitting there for some 23 hours.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock said the clock she was watching. She looked back to the list. Something had changed. At the very top of the list it had said Items on the Agenda and now read Nobles Go Derp. Celestia covered her laugh with a cough. A few second later, the noble speaking began to speak in utter gibberish.

"Yeti, dog packs Larry. And the chocolate milk," he said, apparently understanding what he was saying. The other nobles had no idea what he had said and one spoke up.

"Sorry, could you repeat that?" he asked.

"Cats, Finite?"

"I'm sorry, what?" the stunned noble asked.

The gibbering noble coughed, "Sorry I-" his voice went squeaky like that of Donald Duck's, "have no idea what happened."

Once again, Celestia was forced to disguise a laugh as she glanced upwards. A biped sat on top of the chandelier, and as she looked, he tipped a top hat to her. Then, out of quite literally nowhere in particular, he pulled a very realistic looking marionette and began prancing it around in front of the nobles in a very lewd. Celestia giggled. Closer inspection revealed that the marionette wasn't at all fake. It was Blueblood.

The stallion was wearing a light pink 'dress', that he insists is a robe, curlers in his hair, and a strange object on his horn. One of the nobles stifled a snicker because, aside from the dress, Blueblood wore a diaper on his rear end. The object was covered with a multitude of childish pictures. The snicker, a rather loud one, woke Blueblood who, still a bit sleepy, grumbled something along the lines of, "But Auntie I don't wanna wear the dress, I'm a boy."

Celestia's laugh was loud enough to fully awaken the 'Prince' who instantly began freaking out. Celestia remembered what he was talking about. She had finally gotten him to wear it by insisting it was a robe, albeit a very pink one she had purchased from Victory Secret. That mare could make any piece of clothing.

"WHAT? WHERE AM I? IS THIS THE COURTROOM? WHY AM I-" the stallion looked at the other nobles, let out a rather strange rasp, and collapsed on the spot. He was instantly covered by dirt and a tombstone. Another stallion stood atop the 'grave'.

"And so ends the life of Prince Blueblood. A terrible stallion with a heart of ash. He will be happily missed. We hate you," the stallion spoke.

A pseudo crowd clapped loudly and Celestia giggled again. Giving up, the nobles ended the session. She looked up at the biped and saw it holding a sign.

You're welcome.

Why Humans Never Leave Their Things Outside

Pinkie Pie gallivanted down the streets of Ponyville, happily singing about cupcakes. Her singing was interrupted as she spotted a strange object laying down near her home. Out of curiosity, the pink mare picked up the object and began looking at in interest.

"I wonder what it is? My Pinkie-Sense didn't say anything..." She scanned the object.

"Hello Pinkie, what have you got this time?" asked Twilight Sparkle, personal student of Princess Celestia.

"Dunno. Found it over here and thought 'IwonderwhatthisiswhatdoesitdoIhopeitmakescupcakesthey'rereallyfun'."

Twilight looked at the pink mare. She wasn't surprised, how could she be? It was Pinkie Pie. "Do you want my help?"

"Sure thing Twilight!" Came the elated response. Pinkie looked at the back of the object while Twilight peeked into a hole in the front. "I wonder what this does?" The pink mare pulled the trigger. A large wedding cake, figures and all, shot out of the front of the object like a bullet and connected with Twilight's face splattered everything around her for a good six or so feet with wedding cake. Pinkie licked off Twilight's face and muttered something about needing more sugar when a bipedal figure, another Human, appeared next to them.

"Ah! There's my cake bazooka. I'd wondered where I'd left that, I need it for Luna..." The Human snagged the bazooka and disappeared. Twilight's mane curled up, her eye twitched, and she began speaking absolute gibberish. Pinkie, in effort to save her friend's already broken mind, slapped Twilight full force.

"Thanks Pinkie. What was that thing?"

"A Human silly!"

Why Luna Has A Fear of Wedding Cake

Luna, princess of the moon, sat up in her tower reading. The book was the latest on Astronomy and she was enjoying her ponies opinions of the stars.

Princess Luna's stars are truly a wondrous sight to see. Her best constellation is the one a bipedal creature protecting a small filly. This one can be seen with the naked eye. It has been called the Savior for centuries.

Savior? She remembered no such constellation but when she looked up, there it was. She frowned and some of the stars moved around.

Hey Lulu? You like cake? They said.

"Of course I like cake..." she muttered.

Really? Cool. Me too. Have some. A small white object was hurtling towards her. She peered at it. She stepped forward to get a better look and Wham! The wedding cake slammed into her face. Not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough to stun.

She slide back a few feet. When she cleared her face she saw a Human roaring in silent laughter.

"How dare you-" She was interrupted by a second wedding cake to the face.

To this day, Luna can't see a wedding cake without covering her face.

Revenge on Twilight

So, Luna, what's the plot? Ha ha.

Awful pun. We attack her books.

Brilliant

Twilight Sparkle entered her library to find a herd of goats munching at the pages. She screamed. Her cries of despair were heard far and wide. The Human behind it snickered. Little did Twilight know, these goats were an illusion.

"Bla ha ha, Hello Ms. Sparkle," spoke one of the goats.

"You, You can talk?" she gasped.

"Of course, ha ha ha."

The goat exploded in confetti and Twilight gaped as Pinkie Pie zipped through grabbing the confetti.

"I-er what?" Twilight gaped.

The Human laughed and swapped Twilight's mane and coat colors before disappearing. At that time Rarity came in for their usual Make-over day. This usually meant Twilight was pinned for around two hours while Rarity fussed over her.  This time Twilight was still pinned down some six hours later as Rarity worked on switching the colors and turning Twilight into a model. The Human snickered before finally vanishing.

"Rarity, did you hear that?" Twilight asked, slightly muffled.

"Hear what, darling?"

Humans are Psychotic

A loud whoop was heard in Cloudsdale as two Humans, in some canoes, raced down the rainbow falls.

"I bet I can reach the bottom first!" yelled the one in the red canoe.

"Ha! You're on!" responded the one in the yellow.

Meanwhile a stallion was watching them with curiosity. "I wonder if they know it never touches the ground."

"WE KNOW!" The humans yelled out. The stallion squinted, looked to the Humans, and shrugged. People spoke of their antics at his job, he wasn't surprised.

The Humans flew down the falls, racing towards where the falls dissipated. They paddled, facing down wards, even faster. Red, yellow, red, yellow. A moment later a Human in a blue canoe flew past.

"HA HA SUCKERS!" He, then yellow, then red, flew into the dissipating falls.

Meanwhile, in Ponyville, Rainbow Dash opened her mouth to argue with another pegasus when the three Humans, in quick succession, flew out of her mouth. They turned around and looked at her.

"So THAT'S what's at the end of the rainbow," muttered the one in the red canoe.

With that the three Humans vanished leaving Rainbow speechless.

Twilight, who had seen the whole thing, patted Rainbow with her hoof. "I know. Don't question it."

Going Down With the Ships: RariJack

Rarity and Applejack were have a quiet conversation in front of the barn. An out of place clap of thunder spooked them inside and they curled up in a nearby blanket. The thunder continued and they curled up more before passing out or some time. When they woke, Applejack had Rarity curled up on her.

"Awe...." came a voice, "I ship it."

Rarity and Applejack looked up to find a Human holding a camera. He seemed to grin before disappearing and reappearing next to them. "Such beautiful friendship." The Human said before grabbing a slice of cake.  He seemed to have disappeared. Discord came floating in holding a paintball gun.

"He came this way didn't he?" Discord asked, peering in that directions. Suddenly he had a shot on his back.

"In your FACE! I win," the Human grinned. He began a victory jig and he left nothing. "In a few days, the disease will resources for previous patience. Go wait in the bunker. I'll think I've only just things get."

"As for you ponies, in case I don't see you, Good morning, good afternoon, and good night."

Going Down With the Ships: FlutterPie

"I love to see you grin-" Pinkie began to sing. The Human floated in and lay down a banana peel in front of the cart as she continued.

"It fills my heart with such an' all the while," she continued. Pinkie jumped down and hit the banana peel.

VWOOP! came a noise from Pinkie's rump. The human grinned as Pinkie slide down the hill.

"WHEEE!" She yelled.

The Human watched carefully with a camera, and, as Pinkie slide into Fluttershy's cottage, snapped a picture of the accidental kiss. Music began to play.

"Crack that whip

Give the past a slip

Step on a crack

Break your momma's back

When a problem comes along

You must ship it

Before the cream sets out too long

You must ship it

When something's goin' wrong

You must ship it

Now ship it

Into shape

Shape it up

Get straight

Go forward

Move ahead

Try to detect it

It's not too late

To ship it

Ship it good

When a good time turns around

You must ship it

You will never live it down

Unless you ship it

No one gets away

Until they ship it

I say ship it

Ship it good

I say ship it

Ship it good

Crack that ship

Give the past a slip

Step on a crack

Break your momma's back

When a problem comes along

You must ship it

Before the cream sets out too long

You must ship it

When something's goin' wrong

You must ship it

Now ship it

Into shape

Shape it up

Get straight

Go forward

Move ahead

Try to detect it

It's not too late

To ship it

Into shape

Shape it up

Get straight

Go forward

Move ahead

Try to detect it

It's not too late

To ship it

Well, Ship it good" The Human sang before tipping his hat to the confused ponies and disappearing without a sound.

Slapped the Alicorn Out of Her...and Back?

Celestia had brought Twilight to her little pocket dimension and was showing Twilight that she was ready for something new. Twilight began to lift off the ground and transform. Soon she was an Alicorn, and descending back down to her friends.

"Whoa!" They all said. Meanwhile, slightly far off, Big Mac was writhing with jealously.

"That is so AWESOME! Now I can teach you how to fly!" Rainbow Dash grinned, lifting up her friend.

Twilight, however, felt very awkward about the whole thing. "I, I guess."

Unbeknownst to them, two Humans were far above as one loaded himself in a large slingshot. The other was watching with a pair of binoculars, and soon gave the other a thumbs up. He pulled himself extremely far back before releasing and flying through the air at super sonic speeds.

The ponies below were interrupted by a sonic boom far above and, as Rainbow Dash let go of Twilight, the Human flung out his hand which collided with Twilight with an extremely loud WHAM. The unicorn-turned-alicorn crashed into the ground, creating a small crater. The Human, however, stopped himself in mid-air, waiting as Twilight pulled herself out of the hole.

Her friends gasped.

"He slapped the Alicorn out of her!" Pinkie Pie yelled.

The Human bowed and disappeared. Three hours of worrying later, her alicornhood suddenly returned.

How Pinkie Pie came to Sneeze Confetti

Pinkie Pie was digging through her party supplies, looking for confetti, and was sad to find she no longer had any. Pinkie's eyes teared up as a Human floated in the window and gasped.

"This is the WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!" He said, mimicking Rarity. "Want some more confetti?"

"Yes please," the pink mare had yet to look behind her as she looked at her confetti box in sorrow.

The Human grinned and grabbed Pinkie before opening her head and stashing a new, infinite, source of confetti behind her nose. He oiled her joints and reattached the top of her head before tickling her nose with a pepper-covered feather and disappearing.

Several Hours Later

Pinkie had been sneezing for HOURS and a massive wave of confetti was racing across Equestria, hitting buildings and replacing them with some new ones made of balloons.

The Human watched with mirth as everything across Equestria was replaced by balloons, cotton candy, and other assorted party items.

Pranking Celestia

A group of Humans were discussing ways to mess with Celestia when one suggested messing with the sun, them eventually deciding and disappearing as Luna lowered the moon.

Celestia walked out on her balcony raising the sun only to stare up in shock at what had happened to it. The sun was now... rainbow colored and in the shape of a giant hand, holding up its middle finger.

As Celestia watched, the sun changed shape to the words, Buck You. Celestia's gaping increased.

It changed again, this time to be a large picture of... the male reproductive organ next to Celestia's face.

It finally changed back to the giant hand and repeated the process.

After around thirteen cycles, Celestia's brain froze and she collapsed in shock, leaving the Humans to laugh their asses off as the entire world looked up to see the inappropriate and childish things they had done with the sun.

That day, the headlines read.

"Humans Troll the Hell Out of Celestia"

WHAT DOES IT MEAN

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Humanity in a Nutshell

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Muffin Pwincess

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

MUFFIN BUTTON

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Look at my horse, my horse is amazing

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Esrever

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

How Blueblood Became a Marionette

The stallion sat in the bathroom placing his curlers into his hair ever so gently, and slipped into his robe. He quickly applied his horn moisturizer and covered the appendage. Meanwhile, a biped, known as a Human, sat on the ceiling watching the stallion.

The Human thought the stallion couldn't possibly be male. His actions were ridiculously feminine. He always had his bed checked for peas, no one knew why, constantly woke up in the middle of the night sobbing like a baby, quite literally too, and kept wetting the bed every night without fail. The room often stunk strongly of his urine or feces. No one knows why this keeps happening either. The stallion lay down in bed and fell asleep rather quickly.

Honestly... the Human thought as he lifted the stallion up and tied multiple invisible strings to his body before connecting them to some sticks. As the Human finished tying him to them, the stallion let loose multiple pints of urine. Again. The Human placed a diaper on the stallion-foal and snickered.

"Here we have Prince Wet Bed."

How to Trick Little Fillies and Twilight Attacks My Typewriter

Everypony, and we mean everypony, wants to get their cutie mark. Their reasons vary. Some want to know who they are, some want a place to fit in, others want it to have it. Even being magical creatures, Humans have no cutie mark. One Human took it upon himself to... mess around a bit.

"Applebloom... I don't see how launching ourselves from a tree will get us our cutie marks," came Sweetie Belle's voice.

"Ah formshssgtdfit," Applebloom said. She had a rope in her mouth.

"I-er what?"

Applebloom latched the rope over a stump, "Ah said, 'Ah feel we could be the best at it'."

"Its just plain crazy though..." Sweetie tried protesting as Applebloom jumped in the tree with her and Scootaloo.

"Crazy or not! Scoots, cut the rope!" Applebloom called back. The orange Pegasus saluted, cut the rope, and screamed, "BONZAI!" as loud as she could. Several hours later the town finally found the three up to their flanks in dirt.

"Ah never should have listened to that darn two legger..." Applebloom's muffled voice said.

The 'two legger' in question had watched the whole scene with quite a bit of mirth. When he had shown Applebloom the diagram, he never expected her to go through with it. She had already been gullible once before...

A Human sat beside three fillies in the sky. He had gotten their small wheelbarrel to float even with mid-level clouds. He himself floated next to it and snapped his fingers. Automatically the three fillies had on skydiving gear.

"Are ya sure this'll get us ar cutie marks," asked the yellow one.

The Human nodded vigorously.

"Good enough for me," yelled Scoots, jumping off the wagon. She and her friends arced downwards leaving the Human cackling like a mad scientist. Or, in their world, Twilight Sparkle.

*SLAM*

Twilight?

*CRUNCH*

What? Why did you-

*FIZZLE*

I NEED that type writer. I've got other things to write... FINE. I'll take out the comment about you.

*Ping*

Better? Yes. Now fix my typewriter. I need that thing.

*Magical Noises*

Thank you. Alright.

*SCHWING*

The three fillies flew down towards Twilight's library. It was pure luck that the lavender unicorn was out her deck and managed to catch them. She scolded them harshly and sent them away.

"THAT. WAS. AWESOME. Let's do it again," Scootaloo said.

This Means War

"CHARGE!"

"ARGH! NOOOOOOO!"

Twilight and Discord sat at Twilight's tree house and Discord had defeated Twilight in chess for the 18,563,293,630,946,495,659th time. In a row. Which is quite an astounding number despite the world record of defeats still being higher.

That's what happens when you leave Luna and Celestia alone for several weeks. Still, even though that hadn't beaten the Princess's record of 25,696,886,979,853,085,465 in a row by Luna, they definitely took second. Twilight screamed in rage again.

"HOW? In all of Equis, you should be the one losing!" She yelled.

"What can I say Twilight? I just have a knack for it!" The draconequus cackled and disappeared.

Twilight's harrumphed. She'd never be able to beat him.

"Ah contraire, Twilight," said a Human from the ceiling. "Would you like my help?"

"Um," Twilight was sure if she should trust this Human.

"It'll be fine just a little game between you and him with me as a referee of sorts," the Human said.

"Alright."

"Good," the Human snapped his fingers. The tree warped away and Twilight found herself on a chess board. On the other side, in the concurring spot to hers, Discord was looking at the Human.

"You realize this is my job right?"

"I can have some fun too, now just play the game."

After about a week of straight gameplay, Discord won. Not surprised, the Human laughed while rolling in the air.

They see me rolling, they hatin'.

"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH." Twilight's yell was heard at the Canterlot castle by Luna and Celestia.

"3 cupcakes says she met the Human while playing a game with Discord," Luna said.

"You're on."

Going Down With the Ships: TwiDash

Twilight clambered up the ladder and slid the book, an older Daring Do novel, down for Rainbow Dash, who was steadying the ladder. She finally had the book out when another smacked her on the forehead. The unicorn tumbled downwards and landed on top of her friend. She blinked and was shocked to find her lips against Dash's.

"Oh my... Dash I am so sorry!" she exclaimed. The cyan Pegasus opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by another voice.

"SWEET MOTHER TERESA ON THE HOOD OF A MERCEDES BENZ!" A Human exclaimed, "Discord? Did you get a picture?"

The draconequus floated by, nodding.

"Brilliant," dramatic music began to play. "Now, come one, come all. It is my duty to speak to you. These ships have had it hard, but I tell you now. I SHIP IT!" The Human roared, sounding inspired. He was interrupted by a loud shooting noise and a cork hit the ground. The Human fell to the ground only to be caught by Discord.

"Discord. I must," he coughed, "tell you."

"What? What is it?" Discord asked.

"Tell," he coughed, "tell the others I went down with the ship." The Human let out a breathe and his eyes became Xs.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Discord cried out. "He was so young!"

Going Down With the Ships: Princest is Wincest

"GooOOOOOOODDDDD AFTERNOON AND WELCOME TO THE PRINCEST WINCEST. I'm your host, a Human, and this is my co-host, Discord!" The Human in front of the audience called out. When he gestured to Discord, the draconequus waved a fan on himself.

"Today of the show, we have some amazing captured photos that you could win of some fabulous Princest! Tell them how they could win it, my friend!" The Human called to Discord.

"Of course, all you have to do is guess the position in one of the pictures!" Discord laughed.

Luna and Celestia, in their disguises, groaned. If they had know this was what they were invited to...

"Today, we have our contestants, one Flare Tingle and one Midnight Dreams. Come on up!" The Human pushed Celestia and Luna onto the stage. "Alright contestants, you have three tries, three minutes, in three, two, one! GO!"

Luna and Celestia scrambled to imitate what they thought he had captured. Their first guess was wrong.

So was the second...

And the third...

"Awe too bad! Here's a reward picture though!" The Human handed them a picture of Discord in a speedo. The princesses winced and as they threw it away, a butter yellow Pegasus caught it and zoomed away.

Luna and Celestia threw off their disguises. "Give us those embarrassing photos now!"

"Never!" The Human threw the pictures into the air and scampered off.

Twilight's Name Troubles

It was beautiful morning in Ponyville when Twilight Sparkle left the library to meet her new friends and perhaps grab a dandelion sandwich, one of her favorites. However, something about the atmosphere that morning felt off to Twilight Sparkle. She shrugged it off before walking out into the world, greeted by the ponies of the town.

"Hey Twlghit!" A mare called.

"How are you Tiwlight?" A young stallion asked.

Twilight nearly froze. Something was off, either that or she had heard them wrong. Shaking her head to clear her mind, Twilight made her way to a small restaurant where she and her friends had agreed to meet up and order lunch. It was a small activity, but one Twilight had quickly come to treasure.

And that is why, when she arrived, she was surprised beyond belief. There was a party with a large banner that said Happy-One-Week-In-Ponyville-iversary Twilgiht Sporkle!

After a few seconds of awe, Twilight realized something was very wrong with the banner. "Twilgiht Sporkle?" She whispered in disbelief. Now she was sure something was definitely wrong. Those ponies HAD said her name wrong.

"Girls?" Twilight started, only for Pinkie to embrace her in a hug.

"Happy One-Week-In-Ponyville-irversary Tiwlihgt!" Pinkie giggled.

"Pinkie? Why are you saying my name like that?" Twilight asked.

"Like what?" Pinkie asked innocently.

"Tiwlihgt," Twilight said.

"Twilihgt?" Pinkie asked.

"Tiwlihgt," Twilight reiterated.

"Tiwlight?" Pinkie asked, causing Twilight to sigh. And, after a few more attempts with her friends, give up entirely before a Human floated in.

"Ha! Have fun with this Twilight!" He yelled before disappearing with joyous laughter.