Meanwhile, millions of years in the past (but not many)...
[A/N: This is an exquisite corpse. Caveat lector.]
Diamond Tiara trotted towards the Golden Oaks library and groaned loudly.
“I agree,” Silver Spoon agreed. “I can’t believe we’ve been reduced to this.”
“It’s all Apple Bloom’s fault.”
“Of course,” Silver Spoon agreed.
————
Meanwhile, two weeks ago…
“Hey Apple Bloom!” Diamond Tiara shouted. “Nice face you’ve got… for a loser!”
“Haha, yeah!” Silver Spoon agreed. “Apple Bloom’s a loser!”
Apple Bloom kicked a rock and stared into the distance. “They’re all suckerpunching me, get in line for a wedgie. All I want and all I need is someone who believes in me.”
“I don’t think you heard me.” Diamond walked closer to Apple Bloom. “I called you a loser-face. What are you gonna do about that?”
“My only sin is in my skin. Oh what did I do, to be so black and blue?”
Silver poked Apple Bloom’s chest with one hoof. “If you think saying nonsense will get us to leave you alone—”
“Oh, Lawd, don’t let ’em shoot us! Oh, Lawd, don’t let ’em stab us!”
Silver exchange a glance with Diamond. “...then, then you’re exactly right!” she said. The two bullies backed away.
Once she was alone, Apple Bloom trotted off to look for Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, muttering to herself, “School is in, sucker, U can’t touch this…”
————
Meanwhile, right now…
“Stupid Apple Bloom!” Diamond Tiara continued, “If she hadn’t started acting all weird after the monster attack…”
“Yeah,” Silver Spoon agreed. “She’s, like, completely immune to all our best insults now. It’s no fun bullying her anymore.”
“So, our options are either to ask ourselves why our lives are so empty and meaningless now that we can’t push Apple Bloom around anymore, which is obviously out of the question…”
“Not an option at all!” Silver Spoon agreed.
“Or we can do this.” Diamond Tiara knocked on the library door.
Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Equestria and Librarian of Ponyville, opened the door. “Diamond Tiara? Silver Spoon? Are you here for—”
“Twilight Time!” the two fillies shouted in unison and rushed into the library.
In the street outside, Apple Bloom walked past. “Even the moon has a dark side, with the Earth shining above,” she said to nopony in particular.
————
Meanwhile, inside…
“I was starting to think you two weren’t interested in Twilight Time anymore,” Twilight said.
We weren’t!,Diamond Tiara thought.
I bet DT is thinking something, and whatever it is, I agree with it!,Silver Spoon thought. She walked over to the round reading table with the wooden unicorn statue.
Twilight continued. “It’s always so good to see children of any age take an interest in learning outside the classroom!” She consulted her journal. “The last time… Well, the only other time you two were here, you learned about silversmithing. Did you want to continue…”
“No,” Diamond Tiara said. “Silver is for whiny babies.”
“Screw you, DT!” Silver Spoon disagreed.
Twilight loudly cleared her throat. “Personal tutoring is a privilege, not a right. A privilege that’s dependent on good behavior.”
“Sorry, Princess Twilight,” Diamond said.
“Won’t happen again, Princess Twilight,” Silver added. Both the fillies smiled so strongly that halos manifested above their heads. They were dull and rusted, but halos nonetheless.
“Very well. So what do you want to study today?”
“Well,” Diamond said. “We’ve been having trouble in history class lately. All those dates to memorize, and all those explorers and inventors and politicians. The battles are pretty cool, but there’s hardly enough of those.”
“Hmm. Maybe we just need to change how you’re learning your history.” Twilight flew up to the top shelves and pulled several books off. “A lot of ponies find that it really comes alive when they read books like these ones. Books that treat those ‘explorers, inventors, and politicians’ as characters in a vast story. After all, you can’t spell ‘history’ without ‘Hi, story!’”
It took all of Diamond Tiara’s self-control to refrain from facehoofing. Oh my goodness, she thought. No wonder she lives in a library.
“So,” Twilight said, “which period would you like to start with? The Preclassical? Classical? Or—”
“No, no, you misunderstand,” Diamond cut in. “We don’t want to learn about history. We want to go back and change history!”
“What.”
“You know, jazz it up. Make it less boring! Maybe even stop Apple Bloom from making her stupid Cutie Mark Crusader club while we’re at it. … Wait, did I say that last part out loud?”
Twilight scowled and bopped Diamond Tiara’s head with one of the history books. “First of all, it sounds like you’re interested in time travel for all the wrong reasons. And second, changing the past is extremely dangerous. Even Star Swirl the Bearded, who literally wrote the book about time travel magic, didn’t dare to change the past. No, girls. If you’re only here to learn about time travel, you might as well go home, because I won’t teach you.”
Diamond Tiara smirked. “Well, Princess Twilight, you should have thought of that before we activated our time machine.”
“Yep!” Silver Spoon agreed.
“What?” Twilight looked to Silver Spoon. On the table next to her, a bizarre piece of machinery whirred and emitted a green magical aura. Twilight fired her fail-safe spell at the machine, but it just bounced off.
“Pretty cool, huh?” Silver said. “One of those monsters left it behind, and your pal Discord helped us get it working again!”
The aura blasted outwards, enveloping the entire library. It grew so bright all three ponies had to shut their eyes. Then the aura disappeared, and the machine fell silent.
“It worked!” Diamond said.
“We’re in the past!” Silver agreed.
“Now, girls,” Twilight said, “we need to—”
“The past won’t know what hit it!” Diamond shouted as she and Silver rushed past Twilight, out the front door. They froze on the doorstep and stared slack-jawed at the tableau before them.
“I had no idea there were so many skyscrapers in the past,” Diamond said.
“And hovercraft,” Silver added.
“And chrome on everything.”
“Look! That pony has wheels instead of legs!”
“And that pony has a jet pack! He can fly.”
“Meh,” Twilight said as she stepped behind the girls. “Flight’s overrated.”
“You would think that,” Diamond Tiara answered. “Because you’re boring.”
Twilight bopped her on the head with the history book.
“Man, Cheerilee was holding out on us!” Silver Spoon kicked the ground. “I woulda payed attention in class if she’d told us the past was this cool!”
“This isn’t the past.” Twilight groaned. “Your stupid time machine sent us into the future.”
“Ooooooooohhhhhhhhh,” the fillies said in unison.
“Wait a second,” Diamond said. “If we’re in the future, that means there’s even more history we need to learn!”
Both fillies raised their hooves to the sky and shouted, “Nooooooooooooooooooooo…”
Twilight rolled her eyes, but another voice caught her attention.
“Huzzah! The prophecy was true!” A shadow fell upon the three ponies and the entire library. Princess Luna dropped from the sky in front of Twilight.
“Oh, what a relief,” Twilight said. “If you’re here, then this all must be a dream! Well, Princess Luna, what brings you to my subconscious?”
“This is no dream, Princess Twilight.”
“Haha, Luna, you tell the best jokes. I’m ready to wake up now.”
Luna looked at Twilight impassively. Twilight sighed. “Fine, this is all real,” she said. “I’m here in the future with Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, and you. So, why are you still wearing that ridiculous costume?”
Luna was, indeed, wearing the outfit of a seamare captain. She had a black tricorn hat upon her head, a colorful bandana around her neck, a frilled coat with brass buttons upon her chest and torso, and a cutlass hanging from her belt. An eyepatch covered her left eye.
“What costume?” she said.
“Bawk! What costume! Bawk!” the bat hanging from Luna’s shoulder said. It wore a coat of green feathers.
“Twilight,” Luna said, “there’s no time to discuss my perfectly sensible choices in clothing. There’s a crisis on our hooves, and you and those two irritating fillies that nopony liked—”
“Screw you, Princess!”
Twilight bopped Silver Spoon with the history book.
“...have returned from oblivion just in time to save us all.” Luna motioned with one hoof, and a rope ladder descended from the sky. It led to an airship, hanging directly overhead. “I’ll explain on the way over. Grab that time machine and climb aboard, mateys.”
————
Meanwhile, thousand of miles away…
A massive zeppelin hovered just outside the Equestrian border.
Within the zeppelin, there was a opulent, dimly-lit throne room. A zebra reclined upon this throne. With his shiny, cyborg hoof, he stroked his cat who was also a cyborg.
A pony in a silver jumpsuit entered the throne room. “Baron Zeppeli! Our spies in the Ponytropolis Domeplex report that Princess Twilight Sparkle has returned. And with her, those two irritating fillies that nobody likes.”
“Excellent,” the Baron answered. “Exactly according to plan.”
***
As it turned out, the airship wasn't nearly as cool as it had looked on the outside. Nor on the inside. Nor sideways. Or in general, really.
"The buck, you'd think being in the future..."
"Past," Silver Spoon corrected.
"Past, they'd have some decent AC in here!"
Pirate Luna waved a hook. "Arrgh, me electric bills are pilin' up faster than a... whatever. Point is, there's none, so shut er' gullet."
Diamond pouted. "If we're like going to save the world as prophesied heroines and stuff, can we hurry it up? My plot's falling asleep."
"Arrgh, we'll get there when we get there!"
"This is not what I had in mind in the past. We should have gone to the future instead."
"But we are in the..." Twilight slumped in her seat. "Playing out this running gag isn't going to help much, will it?"
"Nope!" the two fillies chorused.
Since they had never technically ended their Twilight Time, the sanest pony by default found it within acceptable limits to administer appropriate punishment. Therefore feeling not an ounce of guilt, the thick history book proceeded to bludgeon the two into unconsciousness.
Twilight sighed contentedly. "You'd think battering fillies into a coma wouldn't feel so great, but there you'd be wrong. So, how's the future been treating you Cap'n Luna? And just how did this all happen?"
The alicorn princess pirate adjusted an eye patch, increasing her fanart appeal by 12%. "Aye, tis' a wale of a tale, and a storm of trouble be brewin' on these shores. Or somethin', my scurvy accent could use more work. Cosplay looks great though. Once upon a time, thousands of years ago in the future! ..."
***
"Grand Funk Master Z, I trust you will also be pleased to learn that the Canternet has been successfully infiltrated with your agents. All social networks have been shut down Ensuring limitless access to horn-enhancement popup's, incomprehensible phrases placed next to cycling animation, and exotic pornography. Oh, and the grand master general has confirmed her armies of robots have conquered all but one rebel city. Your orders?"
"Excellent, yet again all according to plan. Now..."
The zebra messenger who's name has been lost to history, (so we'll just settle for Jimmy,) dared to raise a hoof.
"Speak wretch! You have caught me in an amused mood, I shall permit one question to be asked to my awesome self. Just remember to report to the memory-wiping facility on your way out.
"Truly, your generosity knows no bounds Your Funkishness," Jimmy said . " You have said everything is according to plan, but who's plan exactly is this going according to?"
Baron Zepeli scratched his head. "You know, that's a pretty good question, come to think of it. Eh, I'll sort that one out later." He waved a hoof dismissively.
Jimmy left the cybernetic zebra's sight, never to appear in this chapter again. RIP, Jimmy.
"Now then, I may continue this soliloquy in peace. As I was saying to nopony in particular..."
"Meow?"
"Oh aside from you, cyborg kitty." He petted it absent-mindedly, the machine's motors purring in response.
"At last, after so many years waiting, the plan shall be complete. With the entire net downloaded into Lil' Fluffy's memory banks, there will be nothing to stop me from uncovering the secret of time travel! Then, I'll be free to go back... er, forward? Well, whenever it was, memories are a little muddled. And get my revenge on my mortal enemy, CoffeeHate. Mwahahahaha!"
"Nyan," Lil' Fluffy agreed.
***
The explosion shook the building's foundations as the airship collided with the Trixie mecha, the flaming debris raining down upon the civilians below.
"Now that's more like it!" Tiara stomped her hooves in approval. "Feels like it's time for an apocalypse to hit this place."
Silver Spoon facehoofed. "Sure it's looking cool from up here, and I'll give you the flaming shrapnel helps with the atmosphere. But we're still bucked over because of you."
The pink filly scoffed at that notion. "Come on Spoony, I think your exaggerating just a bit."
"The ship's been destroyed!"
"And man do the flames look sweet from this view."
"With Luna in it! Ya know, the only pony that could have told us what's going on..."
Tiara shrugged. "Only slowed us down."
"What about Twilight?"
"What about her? You saw her flying away from the explosion. She's a princess, I think she can look after herself. Besides, she was only slowing us down."
"And the history book?"
She grinned. "Got it right here." Silver's relief was short-lived however as Diamond Tiara threw the book straight up, and with a kick sent it spiraling down below.
"But, it's only going to slow us down. Besides, that running gag was getting old."
"Remind me why we're friends again? You know what, don't. Just... please tell me you still have the time machine?!"
"Like, duh Spoony. I may be a shallow, self-obsessed example of the standard rich bitch architype, but I'm not stupid. Actually, with all the insanity around us, I would hazard a guess that this is an alternate timeline. No way our present society could have come about under such a bewildering past. Thus it seems probable that this is all an as yet unknown consequence of our fiddling with the phabric of quantum mechanics through a disturbance in space-time. So we should just use the time machine to keep going and we'll eventually uncover a logical progression of events to avert this, asuming this all works under the principle of entropic mobeai. In laimare's terms, time to get the buck out of here!"
"Not so fast my little ponies!" The voice boomed across the city, shortly followed by the speaker himself arriving into view.
Before them hovered a totally boss looking blimp, complete with impractically bright neon headlights, gold-plated silver-plated gem-incrusted diamond rimms, black and red paintjob, and leather seats on which one bared the form of Baron Zepeli, who had just finished drinking a coak. "I want that time machine, or else!"
"Yaong," Lil' Fluffy agreed in monotone.
"Or else what!, blank flank!"
"Um, well I haven't worked that one out yet," the zebra cyborg admitted sheepishly. "I'm not good with the whole planning thing. But when I do, I assure you it will be enough to earn this story a mature rating!"
The two fillies laughed. "Wow, this guy's even more pathetic than what Applebloom said," said Silver Spoon, not Applebloom you silly.
"Yeah, let's ditch this joint."
Tiara flipped a switch, bringing the tape recorder sized machine to life. "If we're in the past, then let's go to the future!" The tiny box glowed for a moment, before sending them on their way with a vwirp.
"Curses, foiled again! Well, at least I have a backup plan. How's the download progress, Lil' Fluffy?"
"Loading, please wait..."
"Loading, please wait..."
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"Loading..."
"You discount piece of clop! Bleh, worthless consumer models!" Zepeli kicked it with a hoof.
"Download complete! Thank you for waiting!"
The cyborg sighed in relief. "Finally! OK my loyal cyberkitty, tell me the secret to build a time machine," he said, getting a fresh bowl of popcorn. The robotic cat adjusted it's microphone so it's master would hear all it had to tell.
"In first of crackled mastering perabula, building or spacious blot matters called additional. The rapidly much pornography squeaked of touch of brand confused the mystics. Thus expelled of humbled slaying flirtaciousness. Dancing clocked insides without often banish slept, thy catterpiller."
A lavender hoof suddenly came down upon his head, the last thing he'd recall seeing before smashing into his console. A last thought remaining before the void took him; "Knew I should have planned to fix that translation chip!"
Diamond Tiara had woken up thousands of times before. She was quite experienced at it. But it had never been quite like this. She tried to get out of bed, but it didn’t work. Flat. The bed was flat and cold. This was unusual. She wished her head was working. Had she fallen out of bed?
Well if getting out the normal way wouldn’t work, maybe she’d try the other direction. With a groan, she turned over. Silver. A few feet away, Silver Spoon was lying on the floor too. They couldn’t have both fallen out of bed, right? No, that was impossible. If it had been a sleepover, there would be carpet on the floor.
A cat purred. Why was there a cat? Maybe the Baron or the pirate princess would know what’s going on. That didn’t make sense. Why would the Baron be here? Diamond looked around the room. No baron. No pirate. All there was was an earth pony mare, aggressively pink from head to tail. Pinkie Pie? What was she doing here? No, that wasn’t right. But the resemblance was uncanny. Whoever it was, the pink pony seemed to have noticed her moving.
“Forsooth! The fair maidens awaketh! Verily, thy countenances dost concealeth knavely heart. Wherefore mocketh ye justice with such outrageous silencetheth?”
“What? Where are we?” asked Diamond blearily.
“I think the real question is when are we?” replied Silver Spoon. “We need to find a newspaper stand.”
“Oh you speak common Equestrian? That will make everything soooo much easier. I was worried since you were time travelers and all, but I don’t know why because now that I think about it, I’m a time traveler too and I don’t talk any differently. What a shock that discovery was. My whole life I thought I was living in the present and then it turns out I was in the past until just now. At least now I’m pretty sure this is the present.”
“Who are you?”
“Silly me, I’d forget my own name if it wasn’t attached to my body! I’m Head Inspector Head. Get it? Because my name is Head? No? Well they can’t all be winners. Anyway, I’m investigating a serious case of assault and possession of contraband. As both the victims and perpetrators of a crime, I’m sure you can’t wait to tell me all you remember about it and/or confess to it.”
“I don’t remember anything.”
“And I didn’t do anything.”
“Post traumatic amnesia eh? The attack must have been vicious. And who could do such a thing? I’m seeing … a horn. Yes, somepony with magical talent above all others. Somepony who has traveled through time and vanquished sirens. Luckily there’s only one who could fit such an absurdly specific profile.”
“Wait, you can tell all that from our bruises?”
“I’m not that kind of head inspector, silly! I call it my Pudding Sense. I can learn anything as long as it’s misleading or irrelevant. Now as for the weapon, I’m seeing a book. Yes, a history book. An unapproved history book. We’ll have to find and bury it immediately.”
“What? But that’s our book!”
“So you confess? Great! Criminals always confess. Except when they don’t and we just have to pretend that they did. Like Ooh, me, me, I did it with the illegal book in the airship cabin.” This last part Head spoke in a high pitched voice that sounded like no filly ever.
“Confess to what? Having books isn’t a crime!”
“Actually it is. All unapproved books are to be buried, as fertilizing our crops is the only purpose such distasteful words are fit for. At least that’s what the king proclaimed.”
“That’s ridiculous. You can’t get rid of books just because you don’t like what they say. This is an infringement of our alien rights!”
“You sound a lot like some ponies I know. Wait, I’ve got it. You two should join the Pudding Promotion Committee.”
“I don’t even like pudding. And what does that have to do with books?”
“Oh that’s just my name for it. JB probably calls it something boring like The Alliance or The Resistance or The Semiweekly Chat Group Wherein The Topic of Revolution Is Occasionally Broached. How about this. I’ll send you to The Dungeon. The guards say that ponies go in and never come out, but that’s just because they don’t know about the tunnel (second stone from bottom, far left corner). We can meet up this evening at the committee safe house. Look for a place that looks just like every other place and knock four times.”
Meanwhile hours in the future, but not many
Surprisingly, a semi daring jail escape did not improve their ability to locate clandestine meetings with only an impossibly vague description. The town, apparently named Soddington, turned out to contain a great many places which resembled each other to varying degrees.
The town contained a great many things in fact, among which were not unicorns or pegasi. What kind of town didn’t have any unicorns or pegasi, like at all? Maybe it was a recently established settler town. That would explain why she had never heard of it anyway. Sadly, they had been unable to test Silver’s theory because newspaper stands were also among the things that weren’t among the things that the town contained.
“What do you mean you’re still not convinced? I think it’s pretty obvious we’re not in the right time any more, even if we can’t find any newspapers. Especially because we can’t find any newspapers, actually. And didn’t you hear the inspector? King? There have been any pony kings in over 1300 years. Or was it 1600? I wish we still had that history book.”
Diamond had to admit that she had a point. Not that she was going to admit it audibly or anything. Best to change the subject. Where was that stupid hideout anyway? It was getting late.
“Man, this is taking hours. We’ve been past this street five times already. How are we supposed to find the stupid place without any description?”
“The inspector mentioned somepony named JB. Maybe we could look for them.”
As Silver Spoon said that, a furtive stallion on the street pulled them into an alley. “You must be the recruits PH told me about. Were you followed? Get in here quickly.”
“Who are you?”
The stallion knocked four times on a piece of wall which did in fact look just like every other piece of wall. It opened to reveal a windowless room. On one wall hung giant maps covered in colored pins and string, currently being updated by a blue earth pony with a purplish pink mane. Another was occupied by a forlorn, nearly empty bookshelf. The last wall looked very much like it had a giant elephant standing in front of it. The mysterious stallion waited until they were inside and the door was securely closed to answer.
“My name is JB. I won’t tell you my full name, or where I live, or my favorite color. It’s too dangerous. We could be killed. Or worse. The king’s agents are everywhere. They could be your teacher, or your family, or your blacksmith. They could even be right behind you!”
“Where?”
Diamond and Silver jumped at the voice right behind them. They turned to see the inspector from earlier, now wearing a ridiculous disguise that obscured precisely nothing other than the fact that she had an ounce of fashion sense. How did she do that? Was she standing behind the door this whole time?
“I don’t see any- oh, you must mean me. Well I’m a double agent, so I don’t think that counts. Or maybe it counts double. But either way, we’re safe here. Why are you so serious anyway? It’s always operational security this or what if we get tortured that? Would it kill you to lighten up a little?”
“It might kill me. It might kill you. It might kill all of us. I wish you wouldn’t be so cavalier about everything, PH”
“Cavalier? I don’t even know the meaning of the word.”
The blue pony turned away from the map to join the conversation. “It’s a word which here means endangering us all through your lackadaisical application of security protocol.”
PH turned, suddenly bearing an expression of hostility. “Well, well, at least I don’t go around beating up little girls. I have half a mind to arrest you right here. The other half of my mind is wondering what the word for a herd of butterflies is.”
“What? I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about! Even more than usual I mean.”
“I don’t think it’s him. I’ve never seen him before,” said Silver Spoon.
“Me neither,” added Diamond Tiara.
JB stepped between them. “Look, noone is arresting anypony here. The meeting is about to start. Also, it’s a swarm.”
Meanwhile two weeks ago in the present
Sweetie Belle looked at Apple Bloom in concern. “You’ve been acting a little odd lately. I wish you could tell me what’s wrong.”
“I’m a teenage lobotomy!”, Apple Bloom answered.
“What’s a lobotomy? Is that even a real word?”
“My friend, the dictionary,” Apple Bloom retorted.
Scootaloo laughed. “Sounds like the old Apple Bloom to me.”
“Can you hear the people sing?”
“Uh no, not really,” Scootaloo answered.
“Look there she goes a girl who's strange but special, a most peculiar madamoiselle.”
Sweetie Belle looked around. “Where? I don’t see anypony.”
“Wait, I’ve got it,” Scootaloo answered. “She’s speaking fancy again! She must have Cutie Pox. We need to brew a potion to cure her.”
Apple Bloom facehoofed. “We’re no strangers to love. You know the rules and so do I.”
This time Sweetie Belle figured it out first. “I think she’s trying to say that our last attempt at making a potion didn’t go so well. We should find somepony who knows what they’re doing to make the potion.”
Meanwhile in the like, super ancient history
JB: I now call the meeting of the Earth Pony Liberation Front to order. We’ll start with a roll call.
JB: PH?
PH: Here
JB: SC?
SC: Here
JB: SS?
SS: Here
SS: Present
JB: Not you. I meant SS. We’ll get to you later.
SS: Oh, sorry
JB: LMDDHLKMAFP?
OC: You can call me OC for short. And yes, I’m here.
JB: BZ?
PH: Here!
JB: BZ? Are you here?
PH: Come on, I’ve been practicing my zebra voice a ton!
SS: He said he might be late. I think we should start without him.
JB: Ok, I guess everypony’s here then. And over here we have our newest members, DT and SS.
DT: Hi
SS: Hi
LF: meow
JB: And a cat, apparently.
SS: Welcome! I guess this means BZ won’t be the new guy anymore.
PH: I dont get how they do it so effortlessly. I don’t see the zebras practicing ever.
DT: Aren’t you all ignoring the uh, elephant in the room?
A: I am present.
DT: Yes, that was definitely the fact that I was wondering about.
JB: Anyway, we have a lot of important business to discuss. And with the usual shenanigans out of the way early, we might even be able to finish on time for once. Let’s see. Roll call, introductions-
PH: And most importantly, overthrowing the king and making me queen of the earth ponies!
SS: Wait, I thought we were going to turn the Earth Kingdom into a representative democracy.
PH: Really? Well dibs on Chancellor then.
SC: I don’t think democracy works that way, sugarcube.
JB: Look, we’ll have time to figure out that stuff later. But right now we have a revolution to plan, so can we please stick to business? Now the latest reports from Dirtville-
BZ: knock knock knock knock
BZ: Sorry I’m late. There’s trouble at the mill.
DT: The mill? What is it?
PH: Wait, let me guess. One of the crossbeams has gone askew!
JB: That’s not important right now. The real problem is that with the mill out of commission, our plans will-
DT: No, I mean what is a mill?
PH: You don’t have mills when you’re from? I knew it! Must have been awful in the past, having to grind all the flour by hoof.
DT: Misleading or irrelevant… Oh, I get it. No, we’re from the future. We don’t have mills because we invented something better.
PH: Cool! How do you make flour in the future then?
SS: we... uh
DT: well... you know…
SS: hmmm
DT: We always had flour in the store. Maybe Dad would know.
SS: Whatever it is must have been an important invention. It’s probably listed in the book somewhere.
SC: A merchant and a scholar? Just what we need more of. Give me some honest earth pony farmers and we would’ve won already. Ah don’t see why we have to work with outsiders anyway.
JB: We work with allies because we need all the help we can get. And because they have unique abilities.
BZ: As a zebra, I have diplomatic immunity.
A: Although my unparalleled mental abilities are my primary asset, my size and physical strength should prove decisive in the event of confrontation with hostile ponies.
SC: And so humble too
SS: And of course, I need no introduction.
SS: Uh, new here?
DT: He kind of does.
PH: His innocuous appearance hides the fact that he is secretly a recovering unicorn.
SS: Yes, I am the famous SS, most prodigious magical talent in a generation and a rather mean ping pong player.
DT: Innocuous?
PH: It means disguised as an earth pony.
SS: Bloody stupid disguise it is too. Did I really have to have pink hair? Uh, no offense.
PH: None taken
DT: None taken
JB: So anyway, with the mill unusable, we’ll have to-
BZ: Wait a moment. Did you say you were from the future?
PH: They’re time travelers, just like me! Didn’t I mention it?
DT: Yeah, we traveled here in a giant airship.
SS: But then it exploded because of a certain somepony.
BZ: Exactly as planned!
DT: What? You planned this?!
BZ: What? No, it just sounds like Equestrian. That’s actually a common Zebrew phrase which here means “these developments are concerning to me”.
SS: That’s a rather idiosyncratic translation. A more common translation would be oh sh-
DT: So you didn’t plan anything?
PH: Wait, SS speaks Zebrew? Why didn’t anypony tell me?
BZ: No, you see, when I woke up here three weeks ago, I thought it was all a dream. But we can’t all have been dreaming the airship together. So I must be in the past too, and with our means of conveyance destroyed, there is no hope of getting back.
PH: I mean, he could have helped me with my Zebra voice the whole time.
JB: Wait, all four of you are time travelers?
SS: Time travel? I invented it!
JB: Is there anypony here who isn’t a time traveler?
JB: …
SC: Ah don’t think I’ve ever time traveled yet.
DT: Wait, if you invented time travel, can’t you just poof us back?
SS: Alas I will have altered The Phabric too many times already. At one point, my entire family disappeared and I had to permaclone myself back into existence before the time waves caught up. Now I’m stuck permanently 80 years old and somehow involved in every major historical event this millenium. No, I won’t touch time travel with a ten century pole.
JB: So you’re saying that time travel cannot have any possible strategic or tactical consequences and is completely irrelevant to this discussion? Great! Now that we’ve got that established, maybe we can talk about the Dirtville report.
PH: Can I say just a few words first?
A: I find it unlikely, though I will not rule out the possibility entirely
DT: Ooh burn!
SS: Was that sarcasm coming from A? Never thought I’d see the day.
A: On the basis of prior observed utterances, I predict that if allowed to speak freely, PH would speak a mean of 58 words with a lower 99% confidence bound of 19 words. I believe this justifies my assertion that PH is likely incapable of speaking just a few words.
SS: Forget I asked
A: I never forget.
PH: Do you count contractions as one word?
A: 17 words then.
PH: Ha, in your face!
JB: Aaaaaanyway, the reports aren’t looking good. How are we going to handle the royal guard now that the northern deployment has returned?
SS: I have some good news on that front at least. The captain of the guard has a gambling debt and I think we-
PH: Wait, what about names?
SS: What?
PH: I mean, do they count as one word or two? Because most pony names consist of what would be two words, but as a name they form a single conceptual unit. And when we all talk in initials, the letters are pronounced separately, but if it were written down, there wouldn’t be any spaces, would there? And then there’s your name, which is only one word anyway either way. Except that it’s not really a word anyway, is it? How do you come up with those weird names anyway?
A: We elephants attach the proper importance to naming. Names should be unique, not just any two common words thrown together because they sound nice. You little ponies-
A: …
A: What? All ponies are little.
A: …
A: Err, no offense?
SC: None taken
SS: None taken
OC: None taken
SS: None taken
DT: None taken
JB: None taken
PH: None taken
BZ: Actually, I’m a zebra.
LF: meow
BZ: The cat’s here too now? I was wondering what had happened to poor LF.
LF: meow
BZ: What’s that? Well I guess it is getting pretty late.
SC: Would you look at the time? I need to go feed the chickens.
A: I too have activities which must be performed at this time of day.
PH: And I need to file all the paperwork for the two fillies I arrested today.
DT: Hey!
SS: Hey!
PH: Gotta keep up appearances, you know.
SS: Well JB, I do believe this was our most productive meeting yet.
JB: These are truly the times that try one’s soul.
“Well that Earth Libation Front thing was interesting, but I don’t think it’s going to help us get back. This is hopeless,” said Diamond Tiara
“We’re doomed!” agreed Silver Spoon.
“It’s Liberation Front, not Libation Front”, shouted JB. They both ignored him.
“Doomed? Wait, I have an idea. What was it Cherilee said? Those who don’t learn history are doomed to repeat it?”
“Yeah, but I assumed she was talking about repeating the class, not anything like this.”
“But what if we do learn history? Maybe we’ll appear back in the present!”
“But how are we going to learn history without the book? Where is the book now anyway? It’s your fault we lost it, you had it last.”
“But I don’t remember that part, so it doesn’t count. I sure hope it hasn’t been buried though. Then we’d never find it.”
“Wait! I just remembered something. The Burying of Books. That’s it! Long ago, the earth pony king demanded that all unapproved books be confiscated and buried. But that was like super ancient history.”
“Do you remember what happened after that?”
“The Earth Kingdom collapsed in a big civil war. I think it was called The Spring and Summer Period.”
“Well I guess we don’t have to worry about that yet. There’s like a foot of snow on the ground.”
“That’s nothing. I remember at last year’s Winter Wrap Up, there was two feet of snow on the ground. Took almost the whole day to clean it all up.”
“Wait a minute… uh oh.”
Meanwhile, some amount of time after events that have already will happeneded in the present
“... and so that’s why we need your help to cure Apple Bloom.”
“Exactly as planned!” shouted Zecora.
Ponyville, weeks in the past, but not many...
“I have a solution that I’m sure you’ll find quite grand!” continued Zecora.
“Wait, you planned this?!” exclaimed Scootaloo.
“Oh, no, of course not, you see,” explained Zecora. “It means ‘These matters are very concerning to me.’”
“That’s a strange way of saying it,” commented Sweetie Belle. “Wouldn’t a more accurate phrase be ‘oh sh-’”
“The Zebrew language is quite hard to translate,” Zecora interrupted. “But for now, let’s move on to the subject of fate.”
“You and me, we were fated to be!” exclaimed Applebloom.
Zecora opened the door to her hut and motioned for the Crusaders to follow her. “Follow me deep into the Everfree,” she said, “Where your solution you will see.”
The Earth Kingdom, The Far-Too-Distant Past.
Diamond Tiara winced as she heard the horrendously familiar sounds of joyous singing.
“Winter Wrap-Up, Winter Wrap-Up!” sang the earth ponies. “Let’s finish our holiday cheer!”
“Winter Wrap-Up, Winter Wrap Up! ‘Cause tomorrow spring is here!”
“You don’t think the war will start immediately after today, do you?” asked Silver Spoon.
“It’s a chance I’m not willing to take,” replied Diamond. “We need to find that book and get back to our timeline before the revolution starts.
“Well, what are we waiting for?” asked Silver. “Let’s go look for it before it’s too late!”
“But where would we even begin searching for it?” asked Diamond. “No doubt this kingdom is enormous!”
“All unapproved books are confiscated by the King, right?” asked Silver. “If it’s not buried yet, he’ll probably have it.”
“Now if we only had a double agent that could help us retrieve it…” muttered Diamond.
“Did somepony call for a double agent?!” exclaimed Inspector Puddinghead.
“Yes, we did,” said Diamond.
“Well I’m just the gal for the job! What do you need me to do?”
“That history book we had,” explained Silver. “Can you see if one of the King’s agents have found it yet, and bring it back to us? It’s incredibly important that you do so.”
“I dunno,” muttered Puddinghead. “All unapproved books must be buried. That’s the rule. It’s going to take a lot of string-pulling to get my hooves on it.”
“Please,” pleaded Diamond. “We can’t get back to our time without it!”
“Well, if you say so,” said Puddinghead. “I’ll do my best! Well, once I finish up all this boring paperwork.”
With that, the inspector tipped her pudding hat and left the building.
“So, that leaves us here with the Baron, the cat, and the elephant in the room,” sighed Silver.
“Nope, I’m off as well,” said Anth…. Arch…. What was her name again? Ah well, she was gone.
“Ok, just the Baron and the cat then,” said Silver.
“I’m still here!” shouted JB.
“Oh, yeah, I guess,” said Diamond.
“So, Sir Zeppelli,” said Silver. “That Zebrew sure is an interesting language, huh?”
“Quite,” said the Baron. “In fact, in some circles it’s considered to be the most interesting language in the world.”
“That’s nice,” muttered Diamond, insincerity dripping from her voice.
Before any more boring small talk could be made, there was a loud SMASH! coming from outside the secret entrance.
“You guys heard that, right?” asked JB.
They ignored him.
SMASH!
“Tell me I’m not the only one who’s hearing that.”
No response.
SMASH! This time, the wall shook, and a sizeable crack appeared on its surface.
“Okay, that cannot just be my imagination.”
SMASH! The crack grew to a considerable size.
“Did you guys hear something?” asked Silver.
“Nope,” said Diamond.
“Not at all,” said the Baron.
“Meow,” said the cat.
SMASH! With a horrifying shudder, the wall crumbled under the sizeable girth of an enormous mallet. The handle of this massive hammer glowed with an orange aura, implying a unicorn had used it to smash the wall open - naturally the only way a weapon that large could be lifted.
Sure enough, a peach-colored pony with a black, pink, and purple mane stepped in, her horn shining with orange flames. She was wearing sunglasses, a scarf, and a long black coat.
“Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon,” she said, “You are under arrest for the possession of unauthorised artefacts!”
“Gasp!” exclaimed Diamond. “One of the King’s agents?!”
“Wait, isn’t it spelled artifacts…?” asked JB.
“Meow,” said the cat.
The mysterious pony did a double-take at the cat’s comment. “Now there is no need for that language!”
“Meow,” countered the cat.
The Baron quickly covered Diamond and Silver’s ears as the cat continued creatively cursing at the intruder.
“Jeez, do you bathe yourself with that tongue?” asked the unnamed pony.
“Meow.”
“Okay, that’s enough of that,” said JB. “Who are you, and why are you here?”
The mysterious intruder pulled an interesting-looking badge from her long black coat and held it up for the others to observe.
“The name’s Burst,” she said. “Blaze Burst. I’m with the Order.”
“Order?” asked the Baron.
“The Order of Harmony,” explained Blaze. “An interdimensional special forces, dedicated to maintaining equilibrium. We protect Equestria from alien invasions, keep malicious ponies from harvesting the Epic Tea Leaves, and above all, we make sure no time-travel shenanigans get out of hand.”
“Well you haven’t been doing a very good job with any of that,” muttered Diamond.
“So tell me, Agent Burst,” said JB. “If you’re not working for the King, why are you here?”
“The Order has been observing temporal dysfunctions all over the timeline recently. My associates, Agent Turner, Agent Capricorn, Agent Skylark, and Agent Swirl have been running ragged trying to solve all of them.”
“Agent Turner?” muttered Silver. “Isn’t that…”
“Agent Skylark?” muttered the Baron. “Isn’t that…”
“Agent Swirl?” muttered JB. “Isn’t that…”
“Agent Capricorn?” muttered Diamond. “I’ve never heard of them.”
“Yes, more than likely, you’ve encountered my associates throughout your respective adventures,” continued Blaze. “But that’s besides the point. The point is, I’ve managed to locate the source of these temporal dysfunctions, and it begins with you, Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, and your unauthorized artefact.”
“Artifact…,” muttered JB.
“You mean… Our history book?” asked Diamond.
“Yes, a history book,” said Blaze. “That book contains vital information that hasn’t happened yet. If someone from this time period were to read it, they’d know things they shouldn’t, things that’ll happen in the future. Not only that, but our sources have told us that if a certain pony gets her hooves on that book, it’ll spell terror and destruction across millennia.”
“Who? The King? One of his agents?” asked the Baron.
Blaze shook her head. “A double agent. Head Inspector Puddinghead.”
Meanwhile, back at the ranch… And by “ranch” I mean the Earth King’s Castle…
“So you see,” concluded the inspector, “That is why that book needs to not be buried, at least until tomorrow.”
The King narrowed his eyes, thinking deeply. After a long time, he replied, “Very well. You know where the book chamber is. The Burying of Books will begin in a few hours, after the Winter Wrap-Up celebrations are over. If you have not retrieved it by then, it shall be buried with all the others.”
“Of course, Your Majesty,” Puddinghead bowed, and made her exit. She walked through a series of long hallways, before finally arriving at a large chamber piled high with unauthorised books.
“Now let’s see, which one was it…”
The inspector sifted through all the books that had been thrown unceremoniously into the pile. The was one titled Grimoire of the Zoologically Dubious whose cover depicted a rift with a large amount of tentacles and screaming horse heads inside. There was one titled The Study of Tea, whose cover depicted a white bush with bright red flowers, a glowing golden leaf, and a cup filled with a strange purple substance. But finally, after tons of searching, she found the book. A History of Equestria stood before her in all its barely-opened glory.
“Now to get this back to the girls…” However, before she could do so, she was overcome by a sudden fit. Her entire body shivered from head to hoof, her Pudding Sense going wild.
“Wow, what a doozy! There must be something else here that’s of interest…” the inspector’s eyes hovered over the stack of books until she found what had set off her Pudding Sense.
A thick black book with red and purple designs on it, with a circular jewel in the center surrounded by a large diamond shape. The book had no title, but Puddinghead knew it was very, very important. She flipped it open to the first page, which contained a single warning:
Anyone who has possessed this book has never found happiness.
The Everfree Forest, The Slightly Less Distant Past. And by “slightly less distant” I mean much, much less distant.
“That was a close one,” said Scootaloo.
“A bit too close,” said Sweetie Belle, looking back at her charred tail.
“Let’s move on now,” said Zecora, “And watch out for the Slendercow.”
“The what?!” exclaimed Sweetie.
“Whatever it is, it can’t be as bad as what we just faced,” muttered Scootaloo.
“Slendercow, Slendercow, all the fillies try to run,” whispered Applebloom. “Slendercow, Slendercow, to her it’s part of the fun!”
“At last, we are here!” exclaimed Zecora. “You no longer have to fear.”
“For some reason, I don’t find that reassuring,” said Scootaloo, looking up at the ominous temple that stood before them.
“We’re doing this for Applebloom,” Sweetie reminded her. “Anything for our friends, right?”
“Right.”
“I used to wonder what friendship could be,” said Applebloom. “Until you all shared its magic with me!”
And with that, the three fillies and the zebra stepped into the temple.
“This place was built by an ancient tribe of elephants long ago,” explained Zecora as they walked its vast halls. “Many secrets are hidden here, you know.”
The Crusaders silently observed the many mysterious carvings on the walls, and the various statues of ancient elephant gods.
Eventually, Zecora led them into a vast chamber that looked much different from the rest of the temple. While the hallways and the other chambers were made mostly of stone, this room was carved from all sorts of metals and crystals, with only a flat expanse of stone at the back. In the center of the chamber stood a strange device atop which lay a green crystal with all sorts of runes engraved on it.
“This is an Oracle Drive,” explained Zecora, pointing a hoof to the device. “The elephant gods allowed the seeress Aerith to record her visions in this device. Her prophecies of the future now remain in here forever.”
“Wait, that didn’t rhyme!” exclaimed Scootaloo.
“Yeah that rhyming thing got old really quickly,” said Zecora as she activated the Oracle Drive.
Various points in time and space
“Now class,” said Cheerilee. “Who can tell me the difference between a robot and a cyborg?”
Twist lifted her hoof eagerly. “Robots don’t have souls!”
“Exactly,” said Cheerilee. “Good job, Twist! Five points to Hufflepuff.”
Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes.
“P̵͖̲̬͉͉̫̥̊ͧh͇̝̩̬͕̬̬͕̻ͣͭ̆̐̂͟'̫̙̖̌ͬ̓ͪ͆ň̢̛̠̺͍̼̜͔̖̻́̎ͯ̈́̀g͇͕̘̣͍̮͇̳͌͜l͚̩̀ͩ͌̀́̋͡û̘̰̲̼̳͓̉ȉ̵̷̝ ̧̗̥̮̾͗͢͜ͅm̹̯͔̣̳̝̿̂͠͡g̷͇͈͚̤͛̉́̿ͭ͘l̯̩̘͐̉͋͋ͦͩ̚w̨͎̦͓̜ͩ̉͟'͚̹̱̦͈̓͗̑́n̷̝͍̟͕̭ͬͯ͒ͅa̶̸̰̭͚̫̫̳̱̾́̑̕f̸̲̜̏̓̆h̷̝͖̯͛ͫ͋̆ͣ͐̔͡ ̛͈̙͓̯̫̬̣̩͑ͫ͢H̡͎̝͇̜̘̣̫ͯͩ̒ͣ̚ǫ̴̜̮̦͉̗͍̭̠̠̆̉̋̔͢ṟ̱̥̍̂̿̇̿ͨ͋̏͘š̘͖̘͉͉̙̋͊̃ͧ̚e̡̪͚̘͎̟̫̍ͧ͘ţ̫̼͇ͬ̊̀̚h̔ͦ͏͏̹̻̩̫̫̟̫u̴̡̙̯̘͙͈̦̓̔ͨͣ̄͟l͓̞̼̪̰͔͔̩͛̀h̰͉͛̒͐̃̽̏u̹̙̜͎̜ͨ̿͌͟ͅ ̴̯̮̮̬̩͎̺̰͑͌R̵͙̪̣̙̞͗̓ͭ̇ͦ͐'̘͖̞̄͋́̚͠ļ̷̟̩̹̲͈͋y̽ͤͥ̀ͯ͂̎͆ͩ͜͞͏̜̦e̶̸͚̝̮̱̩̊̉ͯh͈̼͇͔̅́͌ ̜̪͖̅̍ͦ̐̆ͤͭͯ͠w̡̬̮̝̽͐ģ̰̭͈̞̜̇͂ͫ͝ͅaͫͯͯ̏͢͏͕͖̜̲̻̙h̷̗͓̮͇̗̟̠͗̈͘'̮̗̮͉͉̫̋ͪn̢͓̼͒̾ͯͯa̞̮͉ͮ̇̐ͫ̒ͫg̲̗̟̞̲̯̼̣̒̚l̠̪̫͈̙̀͂̋ͯ̈́͘̕ ̷̦̺̲̦̹͚̩̫̒ͫͣf̭͉̺͍͛̈́̇͂͗ͫ̈͢h̡̳̗̞͚̳̲̪̣̲̅͡ṫ̄ͪ͆ͨͩͧ̊҉͙͚̀ȧ͍̭̗̠̋̽ͪ͟g̴͚̩̈́̋̈́͋̔ͧ̐ͩ́n̮̰̲̼̔̆͒̓̋͛.̵̷͉ͩ̔ͩ́̅ͅ”
“Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me!” sang Silver as she danced along with Pipsqueak and his crew. “Come on Diamond, join us!”
“No,”
“Come on, it’ll be fun!”
“No.”
“Please? Pretty please with sugar and gummy bears on top?”
“No.”
“Fine then.”
Suddenly, an explosion rocked the ship.
“Ȋ͚̘̮̻̹ͧ̒̐̓ͪ̐́͢͝a̰͍͎̤̗ͪ̍̇̒͆̿̈͛͡͞ͅ!̷͙͇̬̠̯̙̆̊͆͗ͅ ̧͈̟͚ͧͯI̳̭͐ͩͭa̘̗̘̙̞̯̼͙̓̈́̓!̣̫͉͙̜̒̅̍ͪ̇̃̂̔ ͈̩̣͚͕̘̬͗͌̀́ͤ̏͠ͅH̺͚̦̩ͦ̾ͯͧͤͥ̾ͤ̕o̰̬̮̜͍̲̱ͪ̔̀͜͡r̦͖̬ͮ̿͑̀͐̈ͦ͜s̵ͥͨ́̽̋̓ͧ̊̊͏̰̦̰̯̺e͍̳̭͇̬͔͛̇̚t̵̞̞̫͉͉̦̦͕̦̃ͫ̋̉͊ͪ̔̅͞͝h͎̮͓̤͗ͦ̎̊̀̚͞ṳ̶̯̠̬̤̺͗͌ͬ̔̏̿ͪͣͅl̛̝̦̞̺̭̱͈͍̬̍̂h̩ͥͣ͊̽ͭ̄͑̽́u̸̲͉̙̦͍ͩ́ ̶̶͉͇̲̳̘̞̮̌ͪ͊̋ͯf̨̠̺̰ͥͯ͆ͫ͗̀͝h̪̫̞̜̩̘̩ͨͬ̈̑̒͑ͅt͇̦͍̭͚̪̖ͬ̈̅̀ͅa̎̍̒̃̀̕҉̶̲̣̳̟̤̲̦g̨͓͚̺͈̖ͮ̎͊͂ͪn̓̆͊̐͋͡͏̥͕̗͚̘͍̞́!̢̜̟̱̥̘̊ͭͤ͐̀͘”
“This isn’t the Earth Kingdom,” noted Diamond.
“This newspaper is called the Equestria Daily! We must be back home right?” asked Silver excitedly.
Diamond looked over Silver’s shoulder at the newspaper. “Wrong again, Doofus. Look at the year.”
“Oh…,” said Silver. “Oh, no…”
“What? What is it?”
“Diamond, don’t you remember what happened this year?”
“The whole reason we got into this mess in because we didn’t pay attention in history! Of course not!”
“Well, I do remember,” said Silver. “It’s N-”
At that moment, a large celestial body blocked out the sun.
“H̷̗͂̌͘ǫ̡̬̬̝̙ͦ͞r̟̮ͬͨ̃ͨ̓̎̀͆̀͘͡s͔̾̌̂͊͗ͥ͌̅͘e̠̝̍͛ͬ̈́t͈͇̳̠̩̺͈͆͂͗̔̾ͯ̅̀̕h̵̓́̾́҉͔̩̻u̶̮̻̞̟͔͖͕ͥͬͯ͢l̰͍ͣ͠h̴̼͙͕͎̯̔ͪ̏̍͊͠u̸̡͉͎ͥ̋́̚̚ ̬͉̮͖̽̓͆̅́̾͢R͕̠̹͕ͨ̃̊̍̑͜'̘̜̙̣̫͔̤̈́͋͢͟ḻ̡̻͕͓̤̦ͭ̆̆̐y̖̺̯̰ͭ͐ͫ̊̏̽ͪe͕̋̇̏̋͒ͥ͂ͥ͠ͅh̞̳̟̄͋ͧ̄͝ ̶̷̮̣͖̦̠̲̜͚̞͑̍͒̓̊f̤̟̰̫̣̜̄̿h̓͐̓̈́ͫ͏̷̛̜̗͖t͓͖͙͙̙̠̘͎̳ͣ̿͑̓̕a͙͎̫ͭ͢g̶̠̫̼̣̞̞̭̟ͩ̊͆̒ñ̵̫͎̝͍ͥͫ.̴̹̣͉̬͓̫ͯ̄̓ͬͪ͜”
Disgraced and terminated, a jobless Colt Skylark wandered the streets, searching for a place to rest. A mysterious figure in a long black cloak appeared behind him.
“You did well, working for the Duchess.”
Skylark sighed. “Obviously not well enough.”
“You could still put your abilities to good use. To a just cause. Join us, Skylark.”
Skylark turned to face the figure. “Who are you? How do you know my name?”
“We work for balance. We’ve been watching you for a long time now. We could use your skills.”
“Pass.”
“H͖̫ͥ͌͆͌͗̽͆̽ͅo̷̪̮̰̭̠͖ͭͮͥ̉̄ȓ̨͓̗̟͗͛ͪͫ̚͠͠ṣ̖̩̠ͪͨ͌ͫͣ͐̚̕ͅȩ̯̣̼̹͐̎̽̅ͦ̂͑̈́t̶̥̙̬̮̱̤̟ͥͨ̈́͂̒̏͛h̰̘̜̩͚̗̳͔͇ͥͭͥͤ̾͒ͪ́͊u̟̩̱͇̭̩̞̐̅͆ͤ̌͑ͅļ͖̻̝̪̩̄̀̓ͨĥ̢̢͍̺̺̪̹̟̥ͪ̎̊ṵ̶̜͕̍̊̚͘ͅ ̭̲̲̤̤̣̣̝ͨ̕R̨̨̤̈́͛̾̍͢'̠̯̑̕l̙͚̩̤̲̜͍̝̋̽̂͑ͩ̋̚͜͢y̴̛̗̫͙͎̍̋͊̌̌ê̗̠͉͉̣͕̖̝̐ͤͨ̆ͪ͌̚͟h̜̗̳͇̩͕̙̰̖̊ͮ̇͐͐̏̂̀̀̕͢ ̲͖̮̙̗̪̑ͨ̓̑ͧͅf̿̾̌̅́҉̝̀ẖ̻̪͕̗͉̩̹̻̃̌͘t͋͏͍͈͈̙a̴̶̯̰̍ͮg̖̫̹̝͖̳͓͊̅͌͋ͫ͝nͪ̅ͥͮ̈́̆̐̈́̚҉̪͓̟̪̼͇͡ͅ.̫͍̼͒̈ͣ͐͢”
“If the subject fails to respond,” said Lyra, reading from the small notecard floating in front of her, “Use aggression to liberate her true disposition. Man, did they send in the wrong gal for this.”
“What is she going on about?” asked Tealove.
“No idea,” said Snowcatcher. “Capricorn?”
“Nope,” she lied.
Out of nowhere, Lyra pulled out a massive sitar, with a very interesting shape. “Dance, water, dance!”
“H͕̺ͩo̖̼̭͉͈̺͔̳͗̉̄͡͡ŕ̞͉͔͓̘͙̱̈̂͐̉ͥs̡͇̺̮̞̅͋͆͛̃ͦe̞͇̞͎̹̹̯͓ͮ͊̓ͯ̀͘͝t͓̰̪̬̹ͮͥ́̚͠h̙̻͕͇̘͆̄͑͛̒u̙̫̜̙̰̳̾ͥ͋̕l̶̢̗̯̹̫̱̖̱̹ͬ̏̓̌̀̊h͖̊̉̂̍̐͗ͬͫ͝u͕̻̹̥͙̜͐̾͐̋̀ͤ͞ ̞ͩ́ͥ̀͘R͕ͤͬ͑ͮ͊̔͒'̡̱͉̥̯̬̪͕̰ͫ̔͊͐ͣͩͨ̈́͑l̩̫̟̅̋͛̓ͦ͒̚͘͡ẙ͉̦͉̟̰̫͙̳͆͌̃ͩ̓̈ͅe̺̠̠̖̲̝ͤ͋ͣ̌̂̿͡ͅh̪͈ͫ̆̄ͤ̈̆ ̞͓̹̟̥͎̮̲ͬ̒̃̚͘f̢̙̺͓̟̿̍ͅh͗̓ͦͦ̊҉̮̟͍̯̱̯̬̥́t̷̜̮̱͈ͨ̅̏ͭ͗ͫ̚ä͌ͮ̄͊҉̭̹͎̟̝̺̺̤́g̮̼̜̯̩͎̗̠͔̓̐̏ͦͤ͋n̶̡̤͇̪͉͙͉̼͕ͪ̉̏͆ͩͨ͝.̧̉̅̈̄̂̋̚͏͕”
“Alone,” said the cultist in her oddly familiar high-pitched voice. “He has to be alone.”
“At least let me take the goblin,” said Starswirl.
“Very well,” agreed the cultist.
The recovering unicorn stepped forward, along with his familiar.
“Shouldn’t we help him?” wondered Silver Spoon.
“I’m afraid we cannot. It’s out of our hands now.”
“H̢̺̖͔̠̟̾̈́ͯ̔̌ͤͤ͗͂͘o͉̱͕͍͌͗ͬ͡͡r̹̅̍ͭ̅̎̀͢s̡̛̬͓̮͑̇e̸̗̱͔̐̌ͩ́̔ͦͯ̀ṱ̮͆̔̅̍͌̏͟ẖ̢ͭ̋͆ͫ̇̑̃͟͜ú̧̮̾ͩ̌̃͗͗̍͠ĺ̡͓̙̠̪̤̝̫ͥ͊ͬ̉ͭͤͣ̚h̶͍̖̬̑̃́̀u̦̟̜͍̲̲̘̎͗̕͟͢ ̲̟̒̄ͬ̄̿̇͋̕͡R͖͍͇͕̻̰̩̿̑͠'͎̹̤ͯͪ͡l̰͎͍̰ͤ͗ͭyͣ͒͑ͤ͋͏̫̭͞͞e̢̜͔͎̻͚͖͈̐͗̆͊ͩ̽̿͛h͉̜̞̤ͩ̇̌ ̵̛͚̲̑̑͒̓̎͞f̵̛̺̩̝̜͑̑͠hͭ̅̍ͯ̐҉̢̻̘̮͍̼͓ṫ̵̷̨͚̥͈͔̤͚̙̲̼̈́̓̃͆aͩͮ҉͈̳̪̯̘̲͓̝͞g̫̟̞͚͕̩͍ͪ̉͗ͅņ̤ͣͦ͌͐.̥̤̱̞͓́ͮ̃̂̀̎ͣ͊”
“Riddle me this, Daring Do,” said the cultist, as Daring and Mare-Do-Well hung precariously over a vat of lava. “What metal are heroes made of?”
The cultist cackled gleefully as she pulled the lever, slowly lowering our heroes to their doom.
The Temple of the Elephants, weeks in the past…
After that enormous volley of seemingly random scenes, the projector showed an image of a thousand cardboard cutouts of Twilight Sparkle set up in a phalanx, before shutting down with a horrifying scream.
“I tried to kill the pain,” whispered Applebloom. “But only brought more… So much more...”
“That was extremely weird and I fail to see how it would in any way help us,” agreed Sweetie.
Time, Simultaneously…
The skies across time grow red as existence starts to crumble. The horrifying cultist has confused everyone, making reality shatter through rifts around the world.
“H͖̦̭̣͙̪͚͗̽̿̚e̼̫̭ͩ͛̿͜r͓̐̉͌̐͌͌͟ḛ̢̩̒̈́̈ ̟ͅc̙̥̦̆̏o̩̹ͬ͛̓̂̆ͦͤm̵͇̰͙̗͓͔ͨȩ̇͐̅s͙̏̓ͮ̉̐ ̴̦̲̒t̯͖ͮ̔ͥh̡̘̭̗̰̼ͭ͒̆͌̽̚ͅͅḛ̳̹̹͆ͩͮͅͅ ̴̥̳̭̩̥͍̓̋̈́ģ̼̟̲͈̦̦̼ͣ̍̽ͫ̔h͈͎ͫ̾̀o̥͇̥ș͙̦̖ͨ͊̃̎ṭ̲͕̀̕iͬ̊ͤ͑̔e̗̲͙s̥͖͔͚̟̻ͮ͂͑ͩ̀ͅ.̘̩͎́̽̕.̺͙͙͇͚ͤͫͣ͋̂̏͜ͅ.͍̜̲͓͑̅̓͢ ”
Daring Do and Mare-Do-Well disappear in an instant as the Cultist giggles a ferocious cackle. Nations part, volcanoes rise and multiple Earths start to appear nearby. As they grow closer, they fade in with the main Earth. They fade in with the main Earth. The main Earth. What Earth...
~
Back at the ancient Earth Kingdom...
“Give me the book now! Time is in grave danger if we don't stop Puddinghead now!” exclaimed the distressed agent.
“Puddinghead can't be too dangerous, can she? Wasn't she a loon back in her time?” asked the Baron.
Suddenly, the ground below them shook as loud crashing noises traveled across the land. Nearby buildings start to burst into flames with the kingdom's people disappearing into thin air as they run from the mysterious destruction. Diamond, Silver and the rest glare in awe and horror at what's happening before their eyes.
“A loon with god-complex! 'Tia dammit, this is why we need the book!”
Agent Blaze pulled the book from them and tried to teleport away, failing for unknown reasons.
“Wait... what... Why am I still here!? Dammit, I better not have busted my device, Time Captain Briefs will have my flank for this!”
“Meow?” asked the cat, as everyone else nodded.
“Oh, Briefs is just my boss. He a stoic-looking guy with a weird bowl-cut and carries around a sword. He's from an elite group of time-travelers known as the Time Patrolmen. My group is just this world's team, as my boss comes from an entirely different Earth that has weird bipedal creatures.”
The Baron gasped in shock.
“I vaguely remember these bipedal entities from some fever dreams I've had about my past! I think they we're called hominids, and they either came in monkey-like or bat-like species.”
Blaze replied, “I don't remember any bat-beings, but they were indeed some 'Hominids'. There were also some stretchy green guys, gummy pink beings and armored albinos. My boss's Earth is weird.”
Spoon walked up to the Agent.
“Miss, I know you don't want to get in trouble, but if we don't get out of here, none of us will make it to see a tomorrow! Now call your boss!”
Agent Blaze gulped and grabbed another device to call her boss, the mysterious Captain Briefs, in private. After a few minutes of talking in the corner with everyone looking at her, she came back to the group to alert them.
“The boss will be coming in 3... 2...”
Before she could reach 1, a blinding light covered the area as someone entered the time-line’s existence. With the aforementioned lavender hair-cut, longsword and stoic aura, it was without a doubt the captain himself. He bore a long, dark jacket and a couple of devices that resembled Blaze's.
“What seems to be the problem here, Agent Blaze. Everything seems to be in shambles.”
“Captain, my time device is busted and it seems Puddinghead's plans are starting to commence!”
With a face of anger and a couple of fingers to the forehead, he extends his other hand towards the group.
“Everyone, hold out you ha-I mean, hooves. I'm going teleport us back to the hub.”
“Wait, but having non-traveling trespassers appear at the city is against the rules! I'm sure Toki wouldn't like it.” said Blaze.
“Don't worry, I know his student, I'm sure she'll give in a good word for us. For now, we have to go before everything collapses on us.”
Briefs starts up the time-device as everyone vanishes in a flash of light.
~
Below Time...
A group of mysterious hooded beings group up to have a group meeting. The area seems to be a void of nothingness, with the only thing visible for miles being large, floating crystals showing what's happening upon multiple Earths. The group consisted of a horned centaur, an insect-like equine, a dark unicorn, a tentacle-haired mare, a vampiric hominid with a spirit behind him and two blue demons. An eighth member appeared above them, a horned hominid with a huge staff and elegant robes, silhouetted by the lone light above.
“I, DemiGra, will allow this meeting to commence. You, dark-one, any news from Miss Dazzle and her helpers?”
“It seems Adagio and her cohorts have been foiled to former-mate Shimmer. How ironically unfortunate.”
“Hmm, quite unfortunate indeed. Anything else to bring to the table?”
The horned-one, weakened from a previous squabble, tries to raise his hand.
“Yes, you may speak.”
“I have heard news that the lunatic Puddinghead might have actually started her plans in corrupting time. I'm not sure how, but this crystal shows her destruction as of this moment.”
“Egad, how did ditzy odd-ball succeed in her plans!? I have a time-stopping spirit, it should have been me!”
“Yes, blond-one, but don't you remember the time you had to dress like a Jockey and you still almost got killed?”
“.... I'll shut up now....”
“Thank you. Now, horned-one, do you think Puddinghead can fully succeed. You have to remember that she was a terrible politician back in her time.”
“Lord DemiGra, I can assure you, she will have plenty of time on her hooves to seal her deed.”
“Good. Though, to make sure absolutely nothing goes wrong, take this to her.”
DemiGra extends his hand, and flicks an odd, triangular object at the horned member. The triangle resembles an ancient pyramid and has a closed eye at the top. On the opposite side are letters that spell out “YROOXRKSVI.”
“Lord, what is this?”
“Time will tell, horned-one. Time will tell...”
~
Above Time...
A light flashes inside a fancy temple in a futuristic city.
“Sorry for not introducing myself to any of you. I'm Captain Briefs of the Time Patrolmen, leaders of the Order of Harmony Corps. This the hub from where we can time-travel, Time-Time City. I see you've already met Agent Blaze, so no need for introduction ther... wait what!?”
Everyone looked back and gasped as they had seen the Baron, now somehow a hominid just like Briefs.
“MEOW!?” the cat shouted in surprise.
“It... it's all coming back to me now. I was human all along...”
Diamond, Silver and the rest stared in awe as Baron Zeppeli rose up as a dapper, eccentric human, far different from the zebra he was before. Briefs started analyzing it to see how Zeppeli's situation could even be. Diamond then took Silver to the side for word.
“Spoon, the second this is over, let's never, EVER, do this again.”
Silver Spoon nodded in agreement.
“Meow?” the cat asked Briefs.
“Good question, cat I can somehow understand. I'm not really sure how this man turned into a zebra and entered the Equestrian timeline. As far as I can tell, his timeline is nowhere near related to any of you. This is very interesting.”
“Last thing I remember before living in Equestria, I vaguely remember teaching a young man to stop a vampire. So much pain was felt in my final moments on that Earth. I can't remember anything else though, it's all still a blur to me.”
Trunks nods his head and then positions himself to talk to everyone.
“Okay everyone, It seems that the Equestrian timeline is in dire trouble due to former-agent Puddinghead's antics. I didn't want to bring you children along, but I guess we need the extra help to go against her plot, and maybe figure out her motivation. Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, Cat and Baron Zeppeli, you are all now honorary agents of the Order of Harmony, at least for now.”
Diamond and Silver look at each other in shock.
“What have we gotten ourselves into, Silver?”
“I have no idea, and I'm absolutely terrified.”
The rest of the group were given devices just like Blaze and Briefs. Special devices used for time-travel and cross-dimensional communication.
“So what do we do now, Briefs?” said Baron Zeppeli.
“Let's try to figure out a plan for the next time Puddinghead strikes. When analyzing you, I noticed you had some odd electrical frequencies coming from your body. The only people I know who have similar ordeals are some of the people I personally know. I guessing you have some sort of aura?”
“I'm not sure, but I do remember the word 'Hamon' intensely.”
“I'm sure if all of us are at our full potential, we can stop her. Blaze, are you ready to call up agents Turner, Skylark, Swirl and Capricorn? I'm gonna call in help from my Earth as well. I'm sure agents Beat, Note, Kabra, Froze, Tsumuri and Nico will like a new mission to go on.”
“Will do, Captain Briefs!”
Briefs looks at the monitor to see the current state of the Equestrian timeline. The world is covered in red and different periods in time are happening all at once. He clenches his fist in anger at all the chaos that is happening to the poor Equestrian Earth.
“Dammit Puddinghead... what's going on in that head of yours...”
~
CHAPTER VII
After a long period of waiting, it was clear it was taking a strangely long while for the other agents to show up, so the group decided to relax a bit while Captain Briefs tried to puzzle out what Puddinghead was up to.
As the Baron was sitting down, he noticed the cat seemed to be taking interest in his hat. Though he didn’t need to respond as the cat was quick to make his desire known.
“Meow?” asked the cat.
The Baron chuckled a bit before responding.
“Oh, no, dear cat. My hat is far too important to just give it to you.”
The cat had a discontented look for a bit, but made his point of view known again.
“Meow?”
“Why not? Because this hat is an important hat. And to only be given away upon my tragic death.”
The cat frowned for a bit, but then seems to go back to his own business. This was a ruse, however, because as soon as Zeppeli let his guard down, the cat pounced on his face.
“Mm-mmmmph!” screamed the Baron, as the cat took the hat from his head and placed it on his own.
“Meow,” said the cat as he leaped off of the Baron’s face, proud of himself.
Zeppeli looked at the cat, his face growing red with rage.
“Give me back my hat, cat. Or you shall face the power of…”
Zeppeli pulled a piece of ham out of thin air.
“¡JAMÓN!”
The cat looked surprised for a moment, then began to run away quickly, the Baron in quick pursuit. Diamond Tiara, who was watching the scene from a distance away, rolled her eyes, then turned to look at her friend, Silver Spoon to vent to her a bit.
“Ugh, how much longer are we going to have to deal with this? I never said I wanted to be part of this ‘Order of Harmony’ anyway.”
“Well,” said Silver Spoon, “it’s not going to be easy to get back otherwise.”
“I know that,” DT retorted, “But after all that, now we’re just sitting around waiting for these other guys to get here trying to stop Puddinghead from… whatever it is she’s going to do.”
“Yeah. But when we stop her, maybe these guys will be able to get us back home.”
“Yeah. Maybe we can have my Butler challenge those Blank Flanks to the Iron Pony competition.”
Silver Spoon chuckles.
“That’s certainly something to look forward to.”
The period of discussion and ham throwing was then broken by a short and pudgy unicorn appearing and approaching Captain Briefs.
“Ah, Agent Skylark,” the captain said, “Good to see you’ve arrived. You look a bit… different, though.”
“Yep-yep. That’s ‘cause I’m wearin’ a disguise.” replied the supposed agent.
“Well, could you take it off for the briefing?” inquired Captain Briefs.
Skylark chuckled and shook his head.
“Oh, no. I gots ta keeps it on because it takes too long to takes it off.”
“...I see…”
“Meow?” the cat questioned.
He was met with nods from Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, and the Baron.
“Yeah, he does seem kinda shady…” said Silver Spoon.
Skylark turned to Silver and tried to assuage her concerns.
“Don’tcha worry! We’re gonna be best pals.”
“I highly doubt that,” said Diamond Tiara.
Briefs shook his head and tried to continue things.
“Anyway, you might be here, Agent Skylark, but that doesn’t explain where the others are. I would have expected at least Turner to have been here.”
“Well, ya sees…” said Skylark, “they rans into a bit of… trouble.”
The Captain raised an eyebrow.
“Trouble?”
“Yep-yep,” continued Skylark, “They’re dealin’ with those cultists right now and said I gots to come here and tells ya what was goin’ on.”
Briefs frowned somewhat.
“Hm. This is certainly troubling. Though at least it sounds like they’re dealing with the problem as we speak.”
“Yep-yep. Ya don’t needs ta worry about them at all. In fact, I managed to get something else.”
“Oh?” asked Briefs.
“Yep-yep. It’s apparently really important ta GemiDra and a unicorn or somethin’.”
“DemiGra and the horned one?” Briefs skeptically asked.
“Yep-yep.” Skylark nodded “Anyway, just reads this paper.”
He used his magic to extract a scrap of paper from a bag on his back and give it to the Captain. The Captain looked at it, then began to read it aloud.
“YROXORSKIV? What does this mean, exactly.”
“Don’t knows,” said Skylark “Just knows they wants it fer some reason.”
“Meow?” asked the cat, which caused everyone to ponder.
“Well, I suppose it could mean that…” considered Captain Briefs, “but there’s no time to sit around thinking. You all need to get going to stop Puddinghead from corrupting time!”
“OH NO NOT TIME!” exclaimed Skylark.
A disgusted look appeared on Diamond Tiara’s face as she questioned the Agent.
“Shouldn’t you know this stuff? You’re supposed to be experienced in this, after all.”
“Oh, donts ya worry, missy,” Skylark reassured, “On these kindsa missions ya picks stuff up easily.”
Diamond Tiara, still scowling, turned her attention to the captain.
“If we’re supposed to be saving time, could we *please* have someone with us who actually knows what they’re doing?”
“Hm…” said Briefs, “Agent Blaze?”
“Yes, sir?” a female unicorn who hadn’t been mentioned in a while asked.
“You’ll be accompanying them back to where they need to go to stop Puddinghead.”
“Right. I’ll make sure to get them working as best they can,” Blaze replied.
She turned to face the group.
“Now, then, shall we get going?”
“Whatever gets us home faster,” said Silver Spoon.
“I’ll make good use of what I learned here,” the Baron replied.
“Meow,” said the cat, the rest assenting.
“Alright, then.” Blaze said.
She then began to teleport, taking the newly recruited members of the Order of Harmony and the alleged agent Skylark with her.
The portal dropped the newly formed party a few feet higher than anticipated, dropping all of them on the surprisingly cushy surface. Unfortunately, since Diamond Tiara went into the portal first, the rest turned out to be quite literally her burden.
“G-get off me... can’t breathe...”
The others jumped off immediately upon finding out the situation.
“We’d rather our hero survives the beginning this time.” said Blaze.
“There’s something sticky on your head, Tiara.” said Silver Spoon.
Diamond Tiara touched her mane with her hoof. The sticky stuff turned out to be some kind of a brown liquid, the smell suggested it was... melted chocolate.
“Why does it have to be... wait.” Tiara looked at the road, which was completely covered in the very same chocolate.
“What in da royal backdoor...” Skylark pointed at nothing in particular. Such a gesture prompted the others to look around.
A realm of sheer impossibility opened itself before their eyes. Roads of melted chocolate in a very milky ground with candy canes towering over the party like giant pillars. As if that wasn’t enough, elaborate constructions resembling cakes resided at the horizon. The tallest among them touched the ice white sky just above the pink marshmallow clouds. A red light shined from its highest point, bright enough to be seen even from so far away.
“I guess that’s where we need to go.” said Diamond Tiara. “Remember that, you lamos. I don’t want to get lost or something.”
“Yeah!” Silver Spoon jumped in excitement, splashing the chocolate on everyone.
“Ain’t no worries, mate.” Skylark wiped the chocolate off his face. “My memory is beyond perfect.”
“Forgetfulness is not among my traits either.” Blaze dodged the splash in time, so her face remained clean. “Why does it have to be such a Candy Land...”
“What would ya expect? The enemy bloke’s called Puddinghead, not Pepperonihead.” Skylark continued on walking.
Suddenly, everypony heard a slightly mechanical “meow”.
“Baron?” Tiara looked around.
“Right here.” the Baron’s voice came from a small orb of blue light, which floated right behind Diamond. “Both myself and Captain Briefs will assist you though this.”
“If you were going to come in anyway, why not come in as yourselves and not as... that? Lame strategy is lame.” Tiara tried to move the orb with her telekinesis to splatter it on the chocolate road. It didn’t work.
“I need to be here. But I still need to make sure you succeed this time. So I’ll provide all the support I can.”
“Why does everypony say “this time”? Are you hiding something from us?” Tiara stopped walking and faced the orb. So did Spoon. Skylark and Blaze gazed at each other, each having a “this is bad” expression.
“Oh goodness, I’ve said too...” the Baron paused. “This is not important. We’re trying to stop Puddinghead from manipulating time, so there’s a lot of tiny little egghead details.”
“Will. I. Get. To. Go. Home?”
For a little while, the orb stayed silent.
“Yes, Diamond. Yes, you will.”
“Then cram your details in... umm... wherever your behind is. You’re delaying us as it is.”
Determined to just ignore anything else that would happen onwards, Diamond Tiara kept walking with her eyes closed. She refused to pay any attention to the slowly emerging splashing noises, one after another, burying the usual noises of hoofsteps under themselves until something wet hit her head again.
When she finally opened her eyes, the white sky was replaced with a very dark brown one. Rain of similar color stretched far and wide, coloring the milky ground and previously lighter brown roads. Something strange has spoken in a deep, but screechy and unnatural voice.
“Not many visitors in this... place.” it spoke with confidence and power.
“Ambush! Quick...” Diamond called her co-adventurers, but couldn’t see them anywhere. “Useless lamos ran off... every one of them. Whatever, I’ll take you on. Shouldn’t be so hard to beat up some sweets.
“You have sweet food in your world... then you understand the concept.” said the mysterious voice.
“What concept?” Diamond couldn’t find the source, as if the voice sounded from everywhere at once.
“When you’ve made some sweet food... what do you do with it afterwards?”
“You eat it?” said Tiara, confused.
“What happens if you don’t eat it?”
“Eww... it gets stale. That’s gross.” Tiara stuck out her tongue, but then a piece of rain fell on it. She had to cough and spit it out fast. “Dark chocolate, bleh.”
“Then you understand. Look around you. Look at this world. Look at this beautiful, grotesque anomaly, constructed from warped wishes of beings that couldn’t comprehend the implications of reality. This temporary paradise, soon to be turned prison. A fitting metaphor for the universe, wouldn’t you agree?”
“...I understood precisely none of that.”
Loud, bombastic thunder struck the sky, after which the rain poured even stronger, soon creating entire waves of dark chocolate.
“If something is to remain beautiful, it must have an ending. Should it defy this law, it will be met with the law’s enforcer. Inevitable decay, warping and perverting everything about it until it’ll beg for such an ending. Tell me, little hero, what if the chocolate around you was rotten? Would you walk on it then? Would you even glimpse at this world then?”
“It’s gross as it is, leave me alone!”
“Of course. But such is the fate you leave to us all. Such is the fate you yourself are subject to, little hero, whether you know it or not. My world’s tragic creation only made me understand it early on. I will share this blessing with the rest of time, starting with my beloved home.”
“Then eat it yourself for all I care! I’m no hero, I just want to go home!”
The red light from the tower shined even brighter. Tiara literally couldn’t look away from it.
“No being can challenge the cosmos alone. I will need friends. After all... friendship is magic, is it not?”
Diamond Tiara felt the smell of all the chocolate around her. It became more intense then before, but also... sweeter. More inviting. Tastier.
“Eat the world.”
“No! Go away, just go away!” Tiara felt incredible hunger, as if her stomach suddenly and completely got emptied.
“Eat the world. Eat the world.”
“I just want to go home!” she kept her mouth shut after saying that, avoiding even a lick of the chocolate.
“Eat the world. Eat the world. Eat the world.”
“I... hate... sweets!”
The sky cracked in a flash of white, then fell apart. A more familiar world of light chocolate roads and milky ground opened itself to Diamond Tiara again. The white sky replaced the darker one. Yet the tower continued to shine red light. One thing was new - munching noise.
“What are you... oh no.” Tiara saw her co-adventurers, all on the ground, eating and drinking the chocolate and milk. Their eyes had no pupils and a red aura radiated from their bodies.
“Eat the world.” Silver Spoon munched on one of the candy sticks.
“Eat the world.” Blaze laid on the ground, licking the milk off it.
“Eat da world.” Skylark did the same, except licking the chocolate off the road instead.
“Snap out of it, lamos!” Diamond yelled at them, yet they did not even flinch. “Oh no... what do I do?”
“It is quite the pickle, isn’t it?” said the Baron, his glowing avatar hovering a few inches from Diamond Tiara’s face. The watery light it cast was now the only source of illumination between the party and the red tower in the distance. “Usually you lot get much farther before succumbing to the Nihilbog.”
“Oh, thank the princess, you’re not crazy!” DT whimpered.
“Of course I’m not, I’m not even there. The bog spirit can’t affect me.”
“What do I do now? Everypony’s, like, had their souls eaten or something!”
The Baron’s ball wiggled in a motion approximating a shaking head. “Souls? Poppycock. The bog spirit has simply enchanted them all, you silly girl. They’ll eat, and eat, and eat until their stomachs explode like a cute-ceañera pinata full of hoof grenades.”
“Eeeeeewwww!”
“Yes, I suppose it is rather grisly at first, but after the first few viewings one does become quite tired with the whole tedious scene.”
Diamond plopped her butt down in the middle of the chocolate road and started to cry her loudest, pamper me-est sobs. She hardly even had to fake it, given everything that had happened to her since this stupid Baron had come into her life, but she still added a little sniffling for extra flair. Absolutely no snot, though. Even if it weren’t raining chocolate, which was almost certainly staining her usually perfectly pristinely pink coat a horrible shade of brown that would make mucus show up even more plainly, she drew the line at marring her cuteness with boogers.
“Oh, stop that. I’m not your daddy, and that’s not going to work.”
She sniffled once more, just to spite him. “I just want to go home.”
“Yes, you’ve been quite clear about that,” the Baron said, his rolling eyes practically audible in his tone. “Nearly as clear, in fact, as I have been that you will do no such thing until our business together is concluded. Now get. To. Work.”
Diamond Tiara stood back up with a sigh and shook the chocolate rain out of her coat for what good it would do with the stuff still pouring down. She turned to the Baron. “Alright, how do I snap these losers out of it?”
“You don’t. You keep moving.”
Diamond stared the ball down, which was more difficult than it sounded, given that the thing had no eyes. “Like, I don’t think I heard you correctly?”
“Leave them. It’s miraculous enough that you’ve snapped out of the spirit’s trance once, and I don’t like the odds of it happening a second time if the blasted devil revives before we’ve made ourselves scarce. There’s nothing you can do for them.”
Diamond glanced around at the others. Skylark had creeped her out since they’d met, and Blaze was just, like, whatever, but she couldn’t leave Silver Spoon here. Spoon’s mommy might sue Diamond’s daddy if she came back without her, and then she could kiss her allowance goodbye for at least a month, maybe two. Also, she was her bestie, and as gleefully as Diamond might throw losers like the Blanky Flank Dorksaders under the jewel-studded luxury carriage, you did not leave your bestie behind (unless the profit margin was at LEAST 195% before bonuses, favors, and options, and you already had an apology yacht picked out).
“I’m not going anywhere without Silver Spoon,” she said, trotting over to her friend, who was still munching on the candy canes beside the road.
“Eagh ah earlgh,” Silver Spoon said through a mouthful of peppermint. Her eyes were as glazed over as the donut flowers.
Diamond Tiara put her hoofs on her friend’s shoulders, and shook her like a polaroid picture. “Wake up, Spoony!”
“I’m telling you, it’s useless,” said the Baron, exasperatedly. “They were doomed the moment the spirit of the Nihilbog got to them, and absolutely nothing you can do will snap them out of it. Absolutely nothing!”
If there were any justice in the world, Diamond Tiara thought, Silver Spoon should have come back to her senses right then with a comically timely exclamation that she was all better now. Instead she just kept munching on peppermint.
“Eagh da worrll.”
“Told you so.”
“Oh, stuff it,” Diamond Tiara grumbled, and kicked the candy cane’s base. The brittle treat snapped off, and she picked it up in her mouth, grimacing at the sickly taste as she started trotting away with Silver Spoon in tow.
“Eee ga earld.”
“Eat the world…”
“Eats da world!”
“Uh?” Diamond Tiara turned her head to see Skylark and Blaze plodding along behind Silver Spoon, staring blankly at her with the same glazed eyes as Silver Spoon. Chocolate milk dripped from their chins as their jaws hung slack, and they lunged for the candy cane in Diamond’s mouth.
“Eep!” she said, and took off galloping with the others in shambling pursuit, barely paying attention to where she was heading. The Baron’s ball floated along after them, cussing to itself.
Diamond didn’t get far, though. Between the heavy breathing of exhertion and the candy cane in her mouth, her throat was soon so dry that it felt like it was on fire. After only a minute or two she plodded to a halt, spit out the candy cane, and tried to work up the slightest bit of saliva to no avail. She looked around for something to wet her throat, but all that surrounded her were puddles of chocolate milk, and even without the bog spirit currently enchanting her, drinking that stuff seemed like a bad idea. Celestia’s saddle, her throat was killing her, though.
Tentatively, she approached the nearest puddle and bent down toward it, inching her muzzle closer and closer, inch by inch. When she was close enough for her breath to ripple the surface of the liquid, she shut her eyes and opened her mouth.
Here goes nothing, she thought, and sipped up a mouthful.
“Eat the, like, world, and junk.”
Diamond opened her eyes, whirled around, and spit the milk directly in Silver Spoon’s face in surprise. The other filly squealed and stumbled backward, falling into another puddle of milk.
“Aaagh! Diamond Tiara, what the heck?” Silver Spoon shouted, making the kind of face she usually reserved for store-brand hay.
“Spoony? You’re okay!” Diamond exclaimed, and snatched the other filly up in a relieved hug. Huh. There was that weird chest-fluttery, cheek-burny feeling again. What the heck was that?
“What happened? Where are we?” Silver Spoon asked.
“Uh,” Diamond Tiara started, then looked around in more detail than just searching for the nearest source of refreshment. “That’s a good question.” She hadn’t exactly been paying attention to where she was going as she ran, other than generally toward the tower in the distance. The red swirls on the candy canes here were runny. The icing on the donut flowers dribbled stickily. The chocolate road was cracked and submerged in many places beneath chocolate milk that oozed slowly and smelled like it was beginning to sour.
“Spoony?” she said, squeezing the other filly tighter. “I think we might be in trouble.”
Meanwhile, back in present day Ponyville, the Cutie Mark Crusaders were extricating themselves from their latest attempt at Cutie Mark earning.
“Well, that could have gone better,” Scootaloo said, carefully dropping from tree branch to tree branch until she reached the ground.
“Whose idea was this, again?” Sweetie Belle’s voice came from inside the cotton candy machine. Scootaloo opened the door for the unicorn to flop out covered in blue fuzz.
“Pick me up, before you gogo,” Applebloom said, waving a foreleg from beneath a pile of two-by-fours. The girls took hold of her together and pulled, narrowly avoiding the complex array of copper pipes that promptly collapsed once Applebloom popped free.
“I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be ‘wake me up,’” said Sweetie.
“Does that mean she’s getting worse, or better?”
“I’m still here.”
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle turned to her expectantly. Several seconds passed in silence as Applebloom grit her teeth and her lips trembled.
“Well, I’m impressed,” said Scoot, just before Applebloom’s resolve broke.
“I’m still heeere, I’m stiiiill heeeerrre,” she sighed.
Sweetie Belle put a hoof around her friend’s shoulder. “It was a good try.”
“More than we can say for being Cutie Mark Crusader Time Travelers,” Scootaloo pouted, kicking the remains of the smoldering remains of the copper pipes. “Alright girls, back to the drawing board.”
“Someday, somehow, we’re gonna get it right, but not right now.”
“Ew! Really Applebloom? Nickerback?”
As the Crusaders left, though, a sudden wind kicked up. It swirled around the remains of their bizarre contraption, and sparks began to appear in the air above it, arcing off the pipes and setting the cotton candy machine on fire. As the wind spread the smell of burnt sugar around the scene, there was a deafening thunderclap, and suddenly two figures appeared standing above the pile of rubble. About a foot above the pile, to be precise, causing their awesome entrance to be somewhat spoiled by their dual cries of surprise as they dropped the rest of the way to solid ground.
The Crusaders peeked out of the bush they had unanimously dove into when the cotton candy machine caught fire.
“Is it over?” Sweetie Belle said.
The figures in the rubble pile stood back up. They were clearly grown up by their height, but the girls couldn’t tell anything else about them due to the bulky, silvery jumpsuits and face-concealing helmets they were wearing. One of them turned toward the Crusaders, and before they could disentangle themselves from the bush and make a run for it, it was on top of them. A silver-clad hoof reached out and grabbed Applebloom by the ear.
“Baby, don’t hurt me!”
“Your bow,” said the stranger. “Give it to me.”
“What, what?” said Applebloom.
The stranger reached up and took off their helmet, revealing a yellow-coated mare with long red hair.
“Your bow. Give it to me,” Applebloom repeated to herself.
“What?!” Scootaloo cried, mouth hanging agape.
The other figure trotted up behind the older Applebloom and removed her helmet as well.
“Hurry it up, babe! We don’t have much time if we’re gonna stop me from making the biggest mistake ever!” said an obviously adult Diamond Tiara.
“What?!” Sweetie Belle shouted, grabbing her head in her hooves.
“Keep yer saddle on, I’m comin’,” Grown-Up Applebloom said, snatching her younger self’s bow and quickly tying her mane back with it. No sooner had she finished than the two mares took off at a gallop toward Princess Twilight’s library.
“WHAT?!” Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo screamed together.
Applebloom just watched the pair go with a forlorn look on her face. “Bye, bye, bye,” she whimpered.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders sat there for a while, too stunned to do much else. Eventually the cotton candy machine burned itself out.
“Well... at least we know you get better someday, right, Applebloom?”
Twilight had seen some weird things in the library. Explosions, sentient frog/orange hybrids, more explosions, her future self, poison joke… but seeing Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon was an exceedingly rare sight. Doubly so that there were two of each of them. Two of them were relatively normal-looking. Sure, they were wearing aviator sunglasses for no good reason, and Diamond Tiara had a shirt with a picture of a broken record on it, but that could’ve just been the latest fashion.
The other pair were slightly less normal. For one thing, they had both aged into adults. Somehow. And they were both wearing what appeared to be red velvet tuxedos. Floating on either side of her were what looked like two miniature turntables. That made even less sense. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon had always been disdainful of an genre that didn’t qualify as classical. Aside from that one colt band, at least, but that had nothing to do with the music.
“What is going on in here?!” Twilight gasped. “Why are are there two of you!?”
The younger Diamond Tiara snorted. “Can’t you count? There are four of us.”
“I meant two of each of you!” Twilight said, her eye twitching. “And why are they grown up already?!”
The older Diamond Tiara chuckled. “Actually, there really is only one of me! I’m just a future version of myself who’s been temporally displaced so that I can co-exist with other iterations of myself.”
Twilight blinked. “Are you sure you’re Diamond Tiara?”
“Yeah!” Young Silver Spoon said. “Diamond Tiara would never wear something so dorky!”
The adult Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon looked at each other. Adult Silver Spoon shook her head. “Our past selves were real brats, weren’t they?”
“Yeah,” Adult Diamond Tiara winked. “They’ll get taken down a peg, though.”
“What?” Young Diamond Tiara snapped. “What are you talking about?”
“You’ll see!”
“Can somepony please tell me what’s going on here?!” Twilight snapped.
The older Diamond Tiara answered. “We’re here because your Library has been selected as a rendezvous point. The future versions of some other ponies should be arriving shortly. We have to make a delivery.”
“We’re here!” Another pair of ponies burst through the library door, both clad in silver jumpsuits. Twilight stared. One of them was quite obviously Diamond Tiara, and the other was quite obviously Apple Bloom. Adult Apple Bloom held out her hoof. “Do you have it?”
“Of course!” Adult Silver Spoon reached into her tux and drew out what looked like a simple glass jar with a bunch of runes etched into it. “You know where to take this, right?”
“Yup! It’s goin’ straight to that weird Candyland place you were talkin’ about.” Apple Bloom stored the jar in her suit. “We’ll give it to Past Diamond Tiara so she can use it to seal the Nihilbog and save Candyland from the Baron’s mind-control-gluttony!”
The silver-suited adult Diamond Tiara nodded. “And then past me can stop being such a jerk.
“I’m Past Diamond Tiara!” Past Diamond Tiara shouted. “And I’m not a jerk.”
All the future ponies giggled.
“You’re Past Past Diamond Tiara!” Said one of the Future Diamond Tiaras. “You haven’t even met the Baron yet. If we gave you the jar, it would probably create a paradox or something, and that’s never a good thing.”
“What are you talking about?” Past Silver Spoon asked, holding her head.
“You’ll understand better when you’re future you,” Future Silver Spoon said as she patted her past self on the head. She turned to Future Diamond Tiara, specifically the one she had entered with. “How about we go get lunch? We’ve got all the time in the world, after all.”
“Sure thing,” Apple Bloom said, nodding. “We’ll see you again when we become you in the future or whatever.”
“Alright, let me just give you a quick kiss before you go.” Both Future Diamond Tiaras gave Future Apple Bloom a simultaneous peck on each cheek.
Past Diamond Tiara stuck out her tongue “Bleach! You mean future me hooks up with Apple Bloom?!”
“Yeah” The future Diamond Tiara with Apple Bloom said. “And you probably don’t deserve it either.”
“I gotta admit, I’m real glad y’all grew out of that phase,” Future Apple Bloom said. “I’ll make sure that Past Diamond Tiara gets the magic jar. Heck, I already know we’ll be successful ‘cause like three future Diamond Tiaras have told me about it. Same deal with the whole Nihilbog thing. But y’all already know all about how that turns out.”
There was a sudden flash of bright light, and another Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon appeared in the middle of the library. They were young-ish, but noticeably more rotund, and both were caked in a mixture of chocolate, candy, and sugar.
“We captured the Nihilbog!” Chubby Past Silver Spoon said triumphantly. She held up the jar, which had a small, swirling blob with a frowny face in it. “He really isn’t so scary once you catch him.”
“The baron got away in his zeppelin, though,” Chubby Past Diamond Tiara snorted. “We managed to mess up his whole operation, but he got away.”
“Oh, don’t worry, he gets his,” Future Silver Spoon said. “I won’t say anything else though. Don’t want to ruin the surprise. Also we know that you successfully captured the Nihilbog because well, we’re you.”
“We aren’t!” said past Silver Spoon. “We have no clue what you’re talking about!”
“You will soon enough!” Future Apple Bloom winked.
“And why are you two so fat?!” Past Diamond Tiara said. “I’m always on a diet, you know that!”
“We… maybe have gotten stuck unter the Nihilbog’s ‘eat the world’ mind control for a little bit before we captured him,” Future Diamond Tiara said. “Don’t worry, we slim back down.”
“This… this is ludicrous…” Twilight mumbled. “I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with any of this.”
She looked up. All the future ponies were smirking.
“What?”
There was a poof behind her. She spun around, and was now face-to-face with herself.
“Oh come on!” She groaned. “Don’t tell me I’m getting in on all these shenanigans too! I’m getting a headache just trying to keep all of these loops straight! I don’t want to actually be causing them!”
“Relax,” Her future self patted her on the head. “Before long you’ll realize that when it comes to time travel, thinking too much about it just makes it worse. You just gotta roll with it, as Rainbow Dash would say.”
“Rainbow Dash doesn’t get in all this too, does she?” Twilight asked, not wanting to hear the answer.
“Of course not,” her future self said. “Anyway, I’m going to go grab that sandwich you made yesterday. You weren’t going to eat it anyway.”
“Well, obviously, if you’re going to eat it!” She groaned as her future self disappeared into the kitchen to raid the fridge.
“Anyway, onto the next phase of our quest!” Said future future Diamond Tiara. “We have to track down and defeat the Baron before he recovers the Crowbar of Destiny.”
“The what?” Past Diamond Tiara asked sullenly.
“Don’t worry about it. You’re not far enough along on the timeline for it to matter,” Future Silver Spoon said.
“Anyway,” the Future Diamond Tiara who came in with Apple Bloom said, “The Crowbar of Destiny is a magic crowbar that can undo the temporal effect of anything it hits. If he gets it, he can basically trigger a paradox by obliterating all of our time loops, which would be kind of a problem. So we have to track down copies of ourselves at some point in the timeline when we’re not already busy with something and get them to go destroy the crowbar before he gets it. You know what that means…” she paused for dramatic effect: a memo.
Everyone except Twilight immediately burst into grumbling.
“Why do we have to keep messing with the trans-temporal memos? They’re confusing and annoying!” Past Chubby Diamond Tiara grumbled.
“They wouldn’t be everybody didn’t keep using them to fight with our past and future selves,” Future Future Diamond Tiara said. “I’m furthest along in the timeline, so I’ll set it up. Some past version of me is going to find that crowbar, or else all of our quests will have been retroactively made to never happen, even though they did.”
Twilight shook her head. She was ready to track down that crowbar himself.
Chapter, like... 11, I guess?
The drugs were beginning to wear off.
Diamond Tiara slowly picked herself up off the ground, groaning quietly. She couldn't bear to open her eyes just yet, but she guessed that the shuffling sound beside her must have been Silver Spoon. Or another Diamond Tiara. Or Applebloom. Or that stallion with the hat.
She paused. Stallion with the hat? She thought to herself. Where had she met a stallion with a hat? Or Perhaps when was a better question.
No, when was a stupid question. She chastised herself and shook her head, forcing one eye open. Her vision was bleary, but she eventually managed to focus, forcing the other eye open as well.
She was in the middle of a wide-open room with tall, bare wooden walls. Indeed, the entire room was pretty bare. The floor was hard and grey, probably no more than concrete. A thick but simple rug, which she was laying on right now, was the only decoration for the floor. Strangely though, there was an abundance of soft-looking couches and chairs around, and a tall, homely-looking lamp.
The sound beside her had indeed been Silver Spoon. She was beginning to get to her hooves as well, though she hadn't opened her eyes yet.
“Diamond?” Silver Spoon asked, rubbing her head weakly. “Is that you?”
“Yeah,” Diamond Tiara answered. She was vaguely aware that her head hurt as well, but it was overpowered by her aching joints. Everything hurt, really. “Are you alright? I mean, aside from... whatever happened?”
“I think so,” Silver Spoon replied. Her eyes finally cracked open, and she adjusted her glasses. “I mean... what did happen, again?”
“I'm not... sure,” Diamond answered. She rubbed her head, wracking her mind. “I remember... I remember a lot of stuff, actually. I remember talking to Twilight in the library, and... Applebloom? She was there, too, but older. After we got married.”
Silver Spoon blinked. “What are you talking about?” she asked. “We're only... uh...” She looked down, blinking at her hooves. A filly's hooves.
“I don't know,” Diamond said. “But I remember marrying... Applebloom. Bleaugh!” She pulled a face, sticking out her tongue. “And I remember graduating college, and building some... machine. And I remember some stallion in a hat!” She furrowed her brows. “I think he stole it... and flew away in a zeppelin? And then he came back... when I was younger... and... I don't remember.” She rubbed her head again, tapping her hoof against her tiara.” She stopped, and slowly took it down. “And this,” she said. “I remember this. She turned slowly to look at Silver Spoon. “How about you?” she asked.
Silver Spoon shrugged, adjusting her glasses again. “I remember tea,” she said. “Having tea with some weird stallion. A whole bunch of times, actually... I also remember swordfighting him on a blimp? Except he was wearing a hat and laughing while I fought him. And he said he'd never stop me. He said he'd wipe me out, and then he'd take back something he called The Crown... he said he wanted to be the king of all time.” She blinked. “And then back to having tea with him. No hat.”
“What does the hat have to do with anything?” Diamond Tiara snapped.
“Well I don't know!” Silver Spoon exclaimed, throwing up her hooves. “It was a weird hat! Anyways, does it matter? It can't have happened, I was like, 80 the last time. We're only 10!”
“Ew, you were 80?” Diamond Tiara asked. “Gross. How could you let yourself get so old?”
“Hey, I looked good,” Silver Spoon said defensively. “You age well, when you start off grey.”
Diamond Tiara looked at her own mane, and harrumphed. “Well, anyways,” she said. “Like you said, it's pointless. We're ten! I couldn't have possibly married... Applebloom.” She pulled a face again, though admittedly her heart wasn't in it. Or rather, her stomach.
“I should think not!” A cheerful voice said from behind her. Diamond Tiara jumped and whipped around. The voice had come from a strange-looking stallion. He had a long, narrow face and a curly mustache, dark blue to match his mane. His coat was a pale, off-yellow, and he was carrying a kettle. “But you won't always be, so we know it's worked! Do you remember where the crowbar is?”
Diamond Tiara stared at him for a while, and turned to Silver Spoon. She, too, was staring, though her expression was more disturbed than merely confused. Diamond turned back to the stallion and demanded, “Who in Equestria are you?”
“Oh, dear,” the stallion said, setting down the kettle and taking a seat in a nearby armchair. As though it was the most natural thing in the world to find two confused fillies in his home. Or, what Diamond Tiara assumed to be his home. They were surrounded on all sides by wood, and as she looked higher she realized that the wood was not walls – the ceiling was much higher up than they ended. The stallion settled in and opened his mouth to speak.
“And where are we!?” Diamond Tiara asked before he could. The stallion raised an eyebrow, but shrugged.
“You're in the whenhouse!” He said with a laugh. “You're still coming down from a bit of Remember-Tea, I'm afraid. It might be a minute or two before you're able to sort out everything you've seen. But the crowbar should be important enough to stick out, at least.”
“The whenhouse?” Silver Spoon asked. She seemed interested – more interested than Diamond Tiara, at any rate. She had settled down to sit on a rug, still staring intently, and somewhat disturbedly, at the stallion.
“That's right,” he said. He reached over and tapped the kettle beside him. “I've a pot of Forget-Tea-Not as well, if you'd like some.” He settled into his chair, and continued. “But yes, the Whenhouse.” He gestured around him. “this is where we keep all the time-related artifacts and magical items ever found in Equestria! I'm the caretaker here. You came to me looking for a special crowbar that could be used to wrench two 'meddling young fillies',” he quoted in the air with his hooves, “From time itself. Which would be rather disastrous. Unfortunately, there's too many things in here for me to be able to keep track of all of them all the time... so I made you a pot of Remember-Tea, hoping that, since you would be able to remember where you will find it.”
Diamond Tiara stared at him before a moment before saying, “That's stupid.”
“Yes, well,” the stallion said with a shrug, “Welcome to time travel. It is, however, quite useful. And at the moment, quite important!” He leaned in. “So please, if you can: Do you remember at all where you find the crowbar?”
“No!” Diamond exclaimed again, folding her hooves. “I still barely remember how we got here! I don't know why this is all our problem.”
“Well, you'll probably die if he gets the crowbar,” the stallion said.
Diamond Tiara felt her stomach churn. For some reason, she thought of Applebloom. She shook her head, managing to chase away the thought but not the sickly feeling in her stomach. “O-oh,” she said.
“Well, more like you'd never be born, really,” The stallion amended, waving a hoof. “But you understand the gravity of it. Also, the universe would collapse and The Baron would probably be able to use the Grand Tiara to take control of whatever remains. Maybe even rebuild something new in it's place. But lets start with you dying!”
“Let's not,” Silver Spoon said, shaking her head. She adjusted her glasses. “I think... I think I remember where the Crowbar is! Or, will be.”
The stallion grinned. “Perfect!” he said with a clap. “And you're getting a hang on time travel already! Like a fish to temporal waters!” He shifted in his chair and leaned in. “So tell me, do you remember how to get there?”
“I do,” Silver said, jumping to her hooves. She grinned widely, and blushed a bit.
“Lead the way, then!” The stallion said, throwing a hoof out dramatically. Silver Spoon cheered along with him, but pointed in the opposite direction. The stallion pause, then moved his hoof to the same direction as hers. “Lead the way!” He cheered again. Silver Spoon dashed off, the stallion in tow behind her, leaving Diamond Tiara to scramble to her hoovers and chase after them.
“Hey, wait!” She said, chasing after them. “Where is this thing? What're we gonna do when we get it? Why are we running!?”
“Because I remember running,” Silver Spoon replied. “And because Zeppeli is just there when we get there!”
“What!?” the stallion asked. “Did you say Zeppeli?”
“Yeah,” Silver Spoon replied.
“Isn't he the guy we were talking about in the library?” Diamond Tiara asked. “I mean, the older uses?”
“Can't be,” the stallion insisted.
“Do you know him?”Silver Spoon asked.
“I don't... maybe?” The stallion said. His face screwed up in confusion and concentration. “I mean, it obviously can't be the right Zeppeli. Can it?”
“Is this a time travel thing?” Diamond Tiara asked, finally managing to pull along side the other two. “I hate time travel things! This is all so dumb!”
The stallion slowed, clearly distressed. “No, it isn't,” he said. “Or, it shouldn't be. It can't be!”
“Well, what is it then?” Diamond demanded.
“It's the end of the conversation!” Silver Spoon shouted. “I remember this!” Before Diamond Tiara could ask what she was talking about, Silver Spoon leapt into the stallion, who tumbled into Diamond Tiara, sending all three of them careening into a nearby box.
“What the heck!?” Diamond shouted. Just then, an enormous explosion came from where they had just been. The shockwave sent them all tumbling again, knocking over crates and boxes.
Her ears ringing, Diamond Tiara picked herself up off the ground. Silver Spoon was struggling to her hooves as well, but the stallion was on the ground, staring up in numb shock. A mad cackle rang out through the whenhouse, and Diamond followed the stallion's stare up.
An enormous Zeppelin hovered just below the ceiling. Hanging from a ladder, cackling like a madman, was the stallion. Wearing a hat. “What the hell!?” Diamond Tiara exclaimed. “I hate this time shit!”
“Yes!” Zeppeli shouted, “It is I! Baron Zeppeli! I have arrived before you, foolish girls, and I have claimed... THIS!” He reached into his cloak and pulled out a long, bright-pink crowbar. “The paradox crowbar! With this, I will put an end to your meddling once and for all! I need only find you when you are your most vulnerable, and steal the grand tiara from you before you have a chance to bond with it!”
“The what?” Diamond asked. Zeppeli laughed even louder.
“the Grand Tiara, you fool! You never understood it's power like I do! But no matter. I'll remove you from time, and then you won't have to worry about silly things like ALL-POWERFUL FASHION ACCESSORIES!” He tucked away the crowbar and shuffled around in his cape for another moment. “And as for you, ME!” he continued, turning his eyes to the Zeppeli on the ground, “Don't get any clever ideas about following me! I know what I would be doing if I were me, BECAUSE I AM! So I got you a present!” He flung his hoof out, producing and throwing an exact copy of his own hat.
The Zeppeli on the ground shouted in shock and tried to scramble away, but he wasn't fast enough. The hat landed on him, and he cried out, thrashing at it. The hat grew long, thing, spider-like legs and began to grapple at him. Suddenly, Diamond Tiara felt a pair of hooves grab her by the shoulder and pull her away. “What?” she asked,m turning back. It was Silver Spoon.
“Diamond,” Spoon shouted, looking close to tears, “We have to get to the blimp! I remember what Zeppeli is going to do!” She pulled at Diamond, pausing only to look at the Zeppeli on the ground, still grappling with the hat. “He's going to fly it back to the past, and try and attack you when you're young! We need to rescue him!” With that she dashed off, dragging Diamond Tiara behind her.
“HIM!?” Diamond shouted. “I'm the one he's trying to kill. She steadied herself and chased after Silver Spoon.
“It isn't his fault!” Silver Spoon said. She sounded like she was about to cry. “It's the hat, didn't you see? It's driving him crazy, just like in that movie!”
“This isn't anything like a movie!” Diamond shouted. “Movies are straightforward, this is stupid and confusing. I hate time travel! And I'm going to invent a time machine, damnit!”
“Not if we don't catch that blimp, you won't!” Silver said, grinding to a halt. “You won't get to do anything! Not build that machine, or be with Applebloom, or win the Neighbell prize for mad science!”
“What?” Diamond asked, stopping as well. “I don't care about Applebloom!”
“Then why is that the thing you object to?” Silver asked, stabbing a hoof at her. “Don't bother to deny it, Diamond, I remember it too! And I remember it's important to beating Zeppeli, so you need to get over it! Fast! Just admit that you have a crush on her!”
“I don't...” Diamond could feel her cheeks getting hot, and her stomach turning itself in knots. But when she thought of Applebloom – of marrying with her, or just of seeing her again, after this... maybe? She groaned. “Fine!” she said, stamping a hoof. “Maybe I like her... a little. But I'm ten! It's way too early for me to think of getting married, even if it is some stupid memory tea's fault!”
Silver Spoon smiled. “I knew it,” she said. “You know, I expect you to play wingman for me the same as I did for you all those years.”
Diamond tiara blushed and harrumphed. “Well, I won't be able to if we don't catch that blimp, right?” she asked. “So let's get running!”
“Oh, there's nothing to worry about,” Silver Spoon said. “there's a tether coming soon, see?” she pointed to the left, where a long line that reached up to the zeppelin was drifting lazily towards them. Slowly.
“Oh,” Diamond Tiara said. “This thing doesn't go very fast.”
“I don't think Blimps do in general,” Silver Spoon replied with a shrug. She grabbed the line as it drifted by, pulling herself up on to it and beginning to climb up. “And this thing is really long, so there's plenty of them.
Diamond Tiara clambered up after her She shimmied up the rope, pausing as she peeked over the horizon of boxes. For the first time she could see the entire whenhouse. Far in the distance, where the zeppelin was headed for, was a gigantic cathedral with a shimmering stained glass-window. It looked miles away, but even from here Diamond Tiara could tell that was the portal to the past. It would take some time, to get there, though. The whenhouse stretched for miles in every direction, packed tight with boxes upon boxes of what he imagined must be artifacts. Here and there it was peppered with clearing like the one they had woken up in, set up like small houses with furniture and lights. It was so enormous that it dwarfed Zeppeli's zeppelin, big as it was. As the distant cries of Zeppeli the whenhouse keeper morphed into cackling laughter.
“... Gee,” Diamond said, searching for some way to pass the time. “Think Zeppeli is compensating for something, with this blimp.
“Nope,” Silver Spoon said.
The two fillies continued to climb up the rope as the zeppelin slowly made its way toward the cathedral. Diamond Tiara could feel the strain of the past few days weighing on her limbs. At least, it felt like a couple of days. It could have been weeks. Keeping track of time was pretty much impossible now.
"Silver Spoon?"
"Yeah?"
"Let's skip class, when this is all over. I need a vacation."
"I know. I wish I could be home doing nothing all day."
Inch by inch, she forced her way up. It would have been too late to go back down, now that the blimp was only several yards away, and a fall from this height would probably be... let's just say it would be the last thing she'd feel.
"Hold on", Silver Spoon said. "I think I remember something."
Hold on. As if she could do anything but. "Can it wait?", the pink filly replied. She didn't want to be hanging on for dear life any longer than she had to.
"No, this is important!"
"Just spit it out, then!"
"It's... ugh, I can't remember."
"What? I thought you just said you remembered something?"
"I remembered that I was supposed to remember something about what wer're doing right now, but I can't remember what it was that I was supposed to remember."
"Then stop wasting time, and keep moving!"
Diamond Tiara continued up the rope. It couldn't be far until she reached whatever was at the other end. Finally, she turned her head up towards where she was going. The good news was that the end was just a couple yards away.
The bad news was that the only thing there was the nose of the blimp. Not, as she had hoped, the passenger area.
The worse news was that the baron had spotted them. A set of loudspeakers came to life on the front end of the gondola. "My my my, what do we have here? A pair of stowaways on my little balloon?" Zeppeli hit some buttons and flipped some levers, and the propellers at the sides of the dirigible transformed into what looked like jet engines.
"Di, what do we do?"
She looked down at her friend, and regretted it immediately after seeing the rocky terrain below. "Don't look down. And hang on tight."
The engines roared to life, sending the zeppelin racing toward the cathedral at unimaginable speed. The stained glass window ahead of them, as if sensing their swift approach, warped and swirled until the colors all blended into a scintillating multi-hued portal.
"I should really throw you off my airship," the baron said through the loudspeakers, "but it just so happens that your presence here is fortuitous. I really don't know what direct exposure to the time vortex will do to a pony, but I suppose you young ladies are going to find out for me one way or another. I should be thanking you, really. Don't you know how hard it is to find good test subjects these days?"
Under any other circumstance, she would want to avoid subjecting herself to some unknown form of torment. But as it was, the only alternative was certain death. Diamond Tiara held on tightly to the rope, and closed her eyes shut as they were seconds away from crossing the portal.
~~~
"...Diamond?"
When she opened her eyes again, she saw that they were completely eveloped in thick pink and purple fog. The roar of the airship's engines were gone, but she could tell that they were still moving forward. She still felt the wind whipping past, but couldn't see more than several feet away. Just far enough to notice Silver Spook calling out to her.
"Diamond Tiara? Come on, say something!"
"I'm right here, Spoon. Geez."
"Well, you weren't answering, I was afraid you'd blanked out on me or something."
"I'm fine, I just... is this the time vortex?"
"Not sure. I think so."
To be completely honest, Diamond Tiara had expected something more flashy, or wibbly-wobbly. Or at least something more swirly. She couldn't even tell if this place had anything to do with time at all, or if this was just some wierd magical weather they were passing through.
In any case, if they held on long enough, they would be able to follow Baron Zeppeli to wherever or whenever he was going. And maybe, just maybe, they might be able to beat him to whatever he had planned.
It was then that Silver Spoon shouted, "I remember now!"
"Please tell me this isn't like the last time you remembered something."
"It was the day I got my cutie mark. My dad said something to me that I didn't understand at the time. I thought he was talking about a big red balloon, but I think I heard it wrong. He was talking about a giant lead balloon. Get it? This is a giant lead zeppelin!"
"Okay, so what did he say?"
"He kept going on about when I'd 'grasp it by the strings' and how I'd want to hold on to it until the end of time. But he said that was a mistake. And then he said something else before my mom dragged him off to the kitchen saying he'd had too much punch."
"And?"
"This might sound a bit crazy..."
"Silver Spoon, this whole adventure has been crazy. I think–"
"Let it go."
"What."
"That's what he said. Let it go."
"That's crazy!"
"I know! But I remember the way he said it, like it was the most important thing in the whole world. And I believe him. He's not wrong."
"We don't even know what's down there. There could be rocks. Or flesh-eating time pirhanas. Hell, for all we know, there could be literally nothing down there! A whole lot of nothing!"
"Di, please..."
"I can't even imagine anything worse than falling forever in a bottomless void, Silver Spoon."
The gray pony fell quiet for a moment. Then, after what seemed like forever, she asked, "We're friends, right?"
Diamond Tiara was taken aback. "Of course we are. We're more than friends, we're best friends."
"Do you trust me?"
Silver Spoon had been her friend since they were little foals. They were practically inseparable. They'd been together since this whole misadventure started. Hell, they were still best friends when they grew old in one of those future timelines.
"Of course I trust you."
"Then we have to let go of the rope."
She sighed. "Fine, my hooves are getting tired of holding on to this damn thing anyway. On three."
The fillies counted together. On the count of three, Diamond Tiara released her hold on the mooring line, and saw her friend do the same. They'd meant to grab a hold of each other, but the wind immediately split them apart. Both ponies called out for each other, but only found themselves falling farther and father apart.
"NO!!!", screamed Diamond Tiara, fighting back tears. She didn't know what felt worse, the thought of being trapped in the time vortex, or being separated from her best friend. But before she could think about any of it, she landed on some sort of platform. She got up, and found that the fog was gone, replaced by empty blackness, with little white specks like stars. Her hooves stood on what felt like solid ground, formed by a dense trail of these white specks. Her eyes followed the trail leading away from her, but it eventually disappeared into the distance, with no end in sight.
"I hate this time shit", she said as she started walking. She had no idea where she was going, but it was better than sitting around.
Before long, images began to appear all around her, like movie screens showing memories of her life. There was the time she'd first met Silver Spoon, when her father arranged a playdate. Another picture showed the day she'd gotten her own cutie mark. And of course, there were multiple images showing the both of them mercilessly teasing Apple Bloom, causing Diamond Tiara to turn a deeper shade of pink each time. She really hated remembering how badly she treated the very pony she had a crush on (and eventually married, apparently). She didn't even know why she kept doing it.
Then something struck her in the back of her head. After the initial shock, she managed to grab the object in her hooves. She was surprised to find a spoon in the exact shape and design of Silver's cutie mark.
"You're too young to understand this yet", whispered a voice from behind her. She turned around, and saw another memory, but it was not her own. It showed her dad standing over her bed as she slept. "Some day, when you're old enough to understand, I'll be able to explain. Silver Spoon is the most important person you will ever befriend. Just as you will be the keeper of a great artifact, so will she. You will have the Grand Tiara, while she will have..."
The tiara looked exactly like her own cutie mark. So if this spoon looked just like Silver's cutie mark, then it must be...
"...the Wayfarer Spoon", image-dad said, the memory fading back into the mist not long after.
She could feel the spoon tugging her in a certain direction, as if trying to go somewhere. She had a feeling it would lead back to her friend. Something called "The Wayfarer Spoon" had to be something she could use to navigate the time vortex somehow.
: The 12th part - Mostly Dialogue and Exposition (I feel like I’ve done this before.)
Stars. Endless paths of stars. How long have I been walking, Diamond Tiara wondered. The Wayfarer Spoon was leading her this way and that. Up stairs, down alleys, left, right, upside down. Nothing but darkness and stars and her memories. She didn’t even remember some of these. How ironic.
“Why did I ever want to be a punk rock ballerina?” She mumbled as she passed by another memory. “Why did I ever think a mohawk and a tutu went togethe-”
Another flight of stairs she didn’t see. Bonk. Bonk. Bonk. Thud. Onto a flat round platform of stars.
As she came to, she saw stars. Wait, were those head injury stars or the stars that are apparently EVERYWHERE here? She couldn’t tell anymore. An indistinct, faraway chatter filled her ears. “Oh great, now I’m hearing voices.” She thought.
Wait no, those WERE voices. Real ones. The Wayfarer Spoon tingled to life and pointed straight forward. Diamond Tiara shook her head and looked up. Was that…
“Di!” a familiar voice piped up. “Silver Spoon!” Diamond Tiara yelled back. “And… Princess Celestia?”
“Hello, young one.” said the famous ruler of Equestria as she trotted serenely behind Diamond Tiara.
“Wha- Why are you- Where are we- WHAT’S GOING ON?!” Diamond Tiara spluttered a few more half-formed words.
“One thing at a time, child” said the Alicorn Princess. “Are you sure you’re all right? That was quite the fall just then.”
“With all due respect, your highness, we just fell off a zeppelin into the middle of a time portal and onto…”Diamond kicked at the starry path. “...whatever this is. A flight of stairs is nothing.”
“If you say so.” said Celestia with a smirk. “As to where we are… Welcome to Memoria, Diamond Tiara.”
Diamond raised an eyebrow at the images of the past swirling about her. “I don’t think I need to ask where the name came from.”
“Very clever.” Celestia laughed.
“Right. But we were in a time portal… so how’d we get here?” Diamond looked quizzical.
“We, like, fell through it or something.” said Silver Spoon.
“In a way.” said Princess Celestia. “Time portals are known to be fairly thin in places. You must have landed on one of its weak spots.Quite fortuitous.”
“So… are we like outside of time?” Diamond asked incredulously.
“You could put it that way.” Celestia nodded.
“And all these swirly movie memory things are…”
“Well… sometimes you need an outside perspective on history. This place is like an archive. Every moment that has ever played out in history is not lost, but is saved here forever. Every conversation, every thought, every action… it’s a lot to go through, especially with all these different timelines. A thousand years and alicorn magic don’t really help much in sorting the place out.” Celestia flicked through a few memories idly.
“So everything we do ends up here? THAT’S not creepy at all.” shuddered Silver Spoon.
“I suppose it is. But it does help to have some choice memories on hoof for when someone ascends to alicornhood.”
“So this is where you go when you get turned into an alicorn princess?” Diamond asked in wonder.
“Oh no, that’s a different dimension.” laughed Celestia. “It looks about the same, and it’s very much compatible with this one. But that’s Princess business. Very hush-hush you kno- Wait, is that the Wayfarer Spoon you have there?”
“What, this thing?” asked Diamond Tiara, holding up the artifact. “I got it from one of those memories. I heard my dad say that it would be important somehow.”
Celestia lifted the spoon to her eyes and turned it over, looking at it from every angle.
“Indeed it is. I’ve read about this. It is enchanted to seek out anypony who has it as a mark.” Celestia gestured in Silver Spoon’s direction. “That must be how you stumbled in on us. Only the one with the mark of the spoon can harness its true power though - The power to find any pony, at any place, in any universe.”
“So it’s a pony locator? If that’s supposed to be a superpower or something it’s pretty lame.” scoffed Diamond Tiara. Silver Spoon looked mildly offended.
“You say you got it while you were observing a memory of the past. Hm, I’ve heard of objects manifesting here occasionally, but it’s not common even with powerful magic.”
“Speaking of magic, memory dad also mentioned my Tiara…”
Celestia glanced at Diamond’s… Tiara. “The Grand Tiara, yes.” Celestia interjected. “That would explain it.”
“Do you just happen to know about EVERY magical artifact and not tell anyone about it?” Diamond Tiara asked.
“I didn’t have reason to. Without the Wayfarer Spoon, there’s no way to unlock its true power. They go together.”
“Just like us.” Silver Spoon whispered and gave her friend a soft nuzzle. Diamond blushed slightly. We’re just friends, Diamond reminded herself. Apple Bloom is my true love.
“But what is its true power?” Diamond asked quickly.
“ Now THAT I don’t know. The research has been lost to time.”
“Well, that’s convenient. This is starting to sound like a bad movie plot.” Diamond groaned.
“I’m afraid I may not be able to disabuse you of that notion.” Celestia said with concern “Look at what just came in.”
A new image appeared in a flash of light, growing as wide as the platform they were standing on. A city on a mountainside… it looked like Canterlot but, it was different somehow. Where were the Equestrian flags? And the elegant white castle? This looked older...ancient.
Suddenly, a familiar form materialized from thin air! It was Baron Zeppeli’s airship! The memory shifted, and suddenly they saw the city being bombarded with cannonballs! Ponies were fleeing for their lives, and what few soldiers there were could do nothing to stop the onslaught. The city was about to fall. The scene faded again. A throne room. Baron Zeppeli stood over a fallen king. The king’s crown sat on Zeppeli’s evil brow as he laughed maniacally! The memory faded entirely.
“What was that?” cried Diamond Tiara. “What is Baron Zeppeli doing?”
“That is Ancient Equestria before Luna and I arrived on the scene!” Celestia said with alarm. “Wait… it’s just an alternate timeline, not ours. But I sense a powerful magical energy there! If we give him time to find and harness it he could become all-powerful, then there’s no telling what he may do. We must stop him! Silver Spoon, you have the power of the Wayfarer Spoon. We must find the time portal you fell out of. Think about Baron Zeppeli. Focus on his face!”
Silver Spoon forced her eyes shut, straining to remember the details of the Baron’s sneering face. The Spoon suddenly sprang into life, shooting from Silver Spoon’s grip towards a distant spot in the infinite cloud of stars. Celestia magicked the duo onto her back and took off at incredible speed, following the spoon’s lead as it whizzed between stars and memories.
Finally, just ahead, they saw a pink shaft of light breaking through the clouds. “That must be the weak spot of the portal!” cried Celestia as they drew closer to it. Suddenly, the gaping hole in the sky began to shrink rapidly.
“It’s closing! If we can’t reach it in time, who knows how long it will take to find and open again. And it’s too far away… unless.” She looked at the two frightened fillies on her back. “There may be one chance. I can’t get through it myself, but you two might if I do this right.” She slowed down and wrapped them in a magic bubble.
“Wait, are you going to throw us in?! How are we going to stop Baron Zeppeli ourselves?”
“Just remember that you are stronger together! Whatever the Tiara does, it will only work with Silver Spoon at your side.”
“That doesn’t help at all!”
“We’re running out of time! I’m sorry, but you’ll just have to figure this out on your own. Now hold on!”
With an almighty blast Celestia shot the two fillies skyward. The Wayfarer Spoon slipped through the rift, followed by Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. As if they were on a tether, the magic bubble followed the spoon’s path perfectly as they closed in on the exit of the portal. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon looked at each other fearfully and gripped each other tight as they were suddenly engulfed in light. Then everything went black.
Diamond Tiara came to in pitch black. She had no idea where she was, and something told her that she didn’t want to know. “Silver Spoon?” she called out weakly.
In reply came a low chuckle from somewhere in front of her. The chuckle built into a sneering, loathsome laugh. Diamond Tiara shuddered. She knew that laugh only too well.
“Welcome to the end of the line.” said Baron Zeppeli.
The 13th part - A New Perspective (If Not A Fresh One)
“She is not ready.”
“Of course not. Nopony is ever ready. That does not change what must be done.”
“Does it not? This was sheer desperation from the start. After so long being locked away, the Grand Tiara’s magic may not-”
“I know the risk as well as you. If we are to face oblivion either way, it may as well be from seizing our fate rather than meekly accepting it.”
“...We will have to hope this first test can be overcome, in any case.”
“Is that not what we have been doing for so long?”
* * *
Diamond wasn’t sure what to panic about first- the return through the time portal apparently having split up her and Silver-
“Di! Are you all right?”
-scratch that, but there was still the all-encompassing darkness-
“I suppose now that we are all here, a little more illumination is required….”
-and there that went, leaving only the last trouble, the haughty frame of Baron Zeppeli overlooking the duo, perched (as they could now see) on the throne from the vision Celestia had shown them of this alternate past Canterlot. Her thoughts paralyzed, Diamond reverted to her usual reaction to discomfiture: talking down to its source. “End of the line, huh? For you, more like!”
The Baron’s smirk stayed put. “And just what do you foals expect to do? Wave the Wayfarer Spoon and the Grand Tiara at me and make your problem go away?”
Wha… how can he already know about those?! The Princess wasn’t exactly forthcoming about-
“Noble bloodlines have their own secret histories,” their foe smarmed, as though reading Diamond’s thoughts. “I knew our paths would cross again, and it only remained to await you at the appropriate place.”
Silver scrambled to Diamond’s side. “Well, if you’re going to be so obliging...” She glanced over to her friend and held out the Wayfarer Spoon. If the two artifacts needed to work in tandem for the Tiara’s true power to shine forth…
Diamond glanced back and smiled. Then there was only one way to do this properly. The duo reared up...
“Bump…
“Bump…
“Sugar lump…
“RUMP!”
As the bespoken posteriors collided, the cutie marks which flanked them lit up like the last time the blank flanks had tried to earn cutie marks in firework-augmented weather management, as did the pony-locating bauble Silver clutched and the slightly larger bauble perched atop Diamond’s head. For just a moment, the latter was truly Diamond Dazzled Tiara, overwhelmed by the warm alabaster glow…
...which suddenly stung as it turned as crimson as Apple Bloom’s infuriatingly soft, lively mane.
What…
Laughter broke anew from the Baron. “You truly didn’t know the Tiara’s function! It is merely a product of a bygone age- at least, bygone in our home universe, but alive around us now- one in which the world throbbed with ambient magicks”- Diamond could hear the k- “-before those mares who dared lord themselves over us put as much as they could on their own leash and buried the rest. Magicks, for instance, that the mages used to reshape the cosmos as they deemed necessary- with the aid of certain channelling totems, of course, most of which were either kept under guard or lost to time.” His mad grin seemed far too wide for his face at this point. “But... what is lost will, given enough time and space, always be found. A pity you cannot control the Heart of the Storm that you have unleashed… but that is where a more learned pony may take over…. Of course, you’re done for either way, but, if it’s any consolation, death is an experience I have never hesitated to strongly recommend.”
Diamond and Silver looked at each other once more, the pain of the pure magick eating away at them just starting to match that of the cold vices gripping their hearts at the realization of their failure. Silver grinned at her friend weakly. “Well… I guess if this is it… at least it’s better if we’re together.”
Diamond found herself blushing again, in spite of once more remembering the apple farmer-in training she had left behind. No… there’s nopony I’d rather be with at the end than Silvy… but if I can never see Apple Bloom again… can’t finally get it through her skull how I feel…
Something clicked. All this time… I’ve been trying to go after her... but I can’t let go of being top of the heap… can’t let go of Silvy. No wonder things are so messed up, when I can’t choose… a memory came to her, unbidden, of that seemingly long-ago Family Appreciation Day…but maybe…
...maybe I don’t have to choose.
Something else clicked. Outside her head, this time.
The throne room went white again.
Part 14 (apparently)
The light faded.
“What have you done!?” snarled Baron Zeppeli while he wrung his hooves.
The throne room had collapsed and rotted away around them and large openings in the castle walls showed glimpses of the night sky. The thrones were roped off and there were signs in strange languages around the room. While Diamond Tiara typically found such places too boring to visit, she recognised museum exhibits. Through the holes in the wall, she could see an earth stallion having a picnic with one of the tentacled aliens that had attacked Canterlot and Ponyville once. They were leaning against a large metal disk, like the ones flying through the sky. The landscape was filled with enormous skyscrapers covered with neon lights.
“If the past has too much magic for us to use these safely,” said Diamond, pointing to the G rand Tara and the Wayfarer Spoon, “then we’ll just use them now instead!” She turned her head to the side and whispered, “Even if this is further in the future than I was aiming for. Applebloom probably isn’t around anymore.”
* * *
“Yes! It is time for fate to be seized!”
* * *
“Let’s do it, Silvy!?” Diamond yelled triumphantly.
“Bump…
“Bump…
“Sugar lump…
“RUMP!”
“Fools!” cried Zepeli. “With so much magical power concentrated in one place, you’ll completely disrupt the timestream! You could destroy us all!”
More magical portals began to tear open in the sky. Ponies and aliens began screaming, and galloping and slithering away.
A large therapod dinosaur climbed through one of the portals and screeched into the night. A far larger flying disk, with a more intricate pattern of lights, flew in through another and began firing lasers at the dinosaur. A tiny hyracotherium pony with a bone cutie mark and a large club in his mouth jumped through another portal and was quickly followed by a giant, flightless bird with an enormous beak. A large, pony-shaped robot, bigger than the skyscrapers, plods its way through another portal and fires a missile at the flying disk before shooting a smaller laser at the dinosaur. A wave of water flows through another and a pirate ship is dragged along by it until it crashes into a building. A pegasus wearing a suit and a pair of black glasses jumped through another portal and flew over to them.
“Evening, young fillies,” he said. “I am Agent P. I suggest that you get your doohickeys working again before this gets any worse.” He waved a hoof to indicate the city.
A group of pegasus soldiers dressed in barding and carrying spears yelled, “Pegasopalis!” as they dived towards the commotion.
A rocket flew through another portal and crashed into the ground. A pony covered in a white space suit climbed out and took off his helmet before looking around. “Buck you all to Tartarus!” he yelled.
Suddenly, the air was filled with loud, terrifying laughter as Nightmare Moon rose through another portal.
Another portal opened up, and a pink, wrinkled old mare with a grey mane waddled over. She was wearing a tiara. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon gasped and looked at the newcomer’s cutie mark. Sure enough, it matched.
“You know what you have to do now,” said the older Diamond Tiara.
Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon exchanged glances. “Yes,” Diamond said.
“We know exactly what to do,” Silver echoed.
Both of them leaped at the mare. She was taken completely by surprise and knocked to the ground. Wasting no time, the two fillies proceeded to beat her with their bare hooves.
“Ah! Ow!” she cried between blows. “What are you doing?! Stop it!”
“Never!” Diamond answered.
“Screw you, old mare!” Silver replied.
“What are you doing?!” Baron Zeppeli rushed forward and pulled the two fillies away from their victim. They struggled to escape, but his grip held firm. “I mean, it’s obvious that there’s no line you two won’t cross to accomplish your goals. But I don’t see how beating up your own future self has anything to do with your stupid vendetta against that Apple pony.”
“She’s not my future self!”
That surprised the Baron enough to loosen his grip. Diamond and Silver slipped away and ran right back to Diamond’s elderly doppelganger. She had shakily risen to her hooves, and now she backed away from the two fillies. She didn’t get far before they grabbed her legs and held her in place.
“You forgot the trust password, granny,” Silver said.
“Right!” Diamond said. “‘You know what to do’? I’d never just walk up to myself and say that! So who are you? Or do Silver Spoon and I have to beat that out of you?”
“Wait a second,” Silver said. “I have a hunch who it is.”
“Oh, really?”
“You see, it all comes down to real estate. Who was it that wanted the land Twilight’s stupid library was standing on? Wanted it so badly that he’d do anything to get it? Something like, giving the two of us the tools to break time and space, just to remove that library? Who—”
“Discord?”
“What?” Silver looked at Diamond with disdain. “What does Discord have to do with any of this?”
“He’s the one who got the time machine working for us in the first place, remember? That didn’t stop being a thing that happened.”
“No, this doesn’t fit Discord’s modus operandi at all.”
Outside, two more time portals opened. A unicorn mare in a silver jumpsuit stepped out of the first. She smiled as she stared at the ear of corn in her telekinetic grip. She stared at the corn so intently that she didn’t notice the giant crab that almost stepped on her as it emerged from the second portal. The crab strummed a vihuela and sang something in Spanish.
Silver Spoon continued, “This is way too subtle to be one of Discord’s schemes. No, this can only be the work of...”
She reached up to the old mare, grabbing the spot where the base of her jaw met her neck. With one swift motion, Silver pulled off the mare’s mask, revealing...
“Baron Zeppeli?!” both fillies said in unison. The face under the mask certainly was a noble zebra with a dapper mustache and a cyborg laser eye—the spitting image of the Zeppeli who was standing just a few feet away.
“Wow,” Silver added. “Not who I was expecting at all.”
“But if you’re the Baron,” Diamond said, “then who’s—”
“He’s a rank imposter, that’s who he is!” the first Zeppeli said. “I’m the real Baron Zeppeli!”
“No, don’t trust him!” The second Zeppeli said as he shook Diamond and Silver off of him. He slipped out of the rest of his old mare disguise and kicked it to the side. “I’m the original Baron Zeppeli, and he’s my evil twin robot clone from the alternate timeline of that mirror universe!”
Zeppeli One smirked. “Your mom’s an evil twin robot clone!”
“Oh, that’s it. You die now.”
“Bring it!”
Zeppeli Two leaped and tackled number one. The two zebras rolled on the ground, kicking and biting in an indistinguishable mass of striped limbs and bodies.
“This stinks,” Diamond said. “How are we going to get to the bottom of this if we can’t figure out who’s the real one?”
“Oh, oh, I know!” Silver hopped a bit. “When you’re dealing with evil twins—”
“Evil twin robot clones!” one of the Zeppelis shouted, then resumed biting his double.
“Whatever,” Silver said. “In situations like this, the one with the goatee is the evil one!”
Diamond furrowed her brows. “Neither of them has a goatee. They both have mustaches, remember?”
“Oh, right. Time for plan B then. Where’s your gun?”
Diamond pulled a revolver from hammerspace and gave it to Silver.
“Thanks,” Silver said, then she pointed the gun at the two Zeppelis. “Alright, you maggots, tell me which of you is real or I start shooting!”
“I’m real!” both Zeppelis shouted, in unison. “Shoot him!”
“Wow, sounds like stereo,” Diamond said. “Do it again!”
“Screw you, Diamond Tiara!” they both said.
“So cool...”
The two zebras disentangled themselves and stood up, backing away from each other.
Silver waved the gun, pointing it first at the Zeppeli on the left and then at the one on the right. “I’m serious! I gotta shoot one of you, so who’s it gonna be?”
The Zeppelis exchanged a glance before they answered in unison. “You’ll have to shoot both of us, just to be sure.”
“Darn it!” Silver said. “That doesn’t help at all if you both say it!” She returned the gun to Diamond Tiara. “Oh well, it doesn’t matter. I didn’t know how to fire that thing anyway. I’m all out of ideas, Diamond Tiara.”
“Well, if everyone’s done being stupid, I know how to fix this.” Diamond marched forward until she was directly between the two zebras. “It’s so simple, I can’t believe I didn’t notice it sooner! Everypony knows the real Baron Zeppeli is black with white stripes. Yet one of these zebras...” She pointed to her left. “...is white with black stripes!”
“I can’t tell the difference,” Silver said.
“That’s racist, Silver Spoon. Not cool.” Diamond then advanced on the imposter zebra. “Now, it’s time to see who you really are.”
“Now, now,” the imposter said in a very different, yet familiar, voice. “There’s no need for any more scuffling. Really, who raised you children? I weep for the future of Equestria, I really do. But you found me out fair and square, so it’s only fitting that I let you see my true face.” He reached up and pulled away his mask, revealing...
Diamond, Silver, and Zeppeli all gasped, then said in unison, “Discord?!”
“The one and only!” His body changed and grew, morphing from a zebra’s body to the serpentine, mix-and-match form he preferred to wear. “Oh ho ho! I wish you three could have seen your faces! Oh, wait, you can!”
Discord snapped his fingers, and his discarded Zeppeli mask hovered to his side. With another snap, the mask became a photograph—of Baron Zeppeli, Diamond Tiara, and Silver Spoon, all wearing stupefied, slack-jawed expressions.
“Keep it.” Discord handed the photo to Diamond. “A memento from this lovely trip together.”
“Now,” Discord continued, “I’m sure you’d all like to know how I pulled this caper off, and more importantly, why.”
“I don’t wanna know!” Silver said.
“You see, it all started a week ago...” Discord snapped his fingers. A top hat appeared on his head, a cane appeared in his hand, and brassy big band swing music began playing without any visible source. Discord sang:
“Oh I was walking in the woods one afternoon,
and I thought to myself, I—”
“Nope!” Silver interrupted. “Nope nope nope!” She ran towards Discord and leaped, gaining a surprising height. “Nope nope nope nope nope!” As she sailed past Discord’s head, she reached out and grabbed the side of his face, pulling his mask off. “Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope!” She landed, and the Discord disguise collapsed to the ground, revealing...
“It’s you!” Silver said. “You... you...” She turned to Diamond and Zeppeli. “Do either of you recognize her? I’m drawing a blank.”
Baron Zeppeli shrugged.
“Oh!” Diamond said. “She’s that cool pony from the future with wheels for legs.”
“Oh, of course!” Silver Spoon prodded the mare’s nose with her hoof. “So why did you do it, wheel pony?”
“I have a name, you know.”
“I don’t want your name! I want the reason why! Was it for money? For love? For the love of money?”
“Oh you really ought know my name. I’m Ritogana Emiba, Duchess of Kalevala.”
At that name, Baron Zeppeli gulped and stepped backwards.
One of the Duchess’ wheels fell off, revealing a perfectly functional foreleg underneath it. With it, she reached up and removed her mask, revealing a regal face with a cruel light in the eyes.
She smiled and continued, “But you might as well call me your majesty. Because everyone will be calling me that, soon enough.”
Zeppeli turned and ran. The Duchess flared her wings—they were massive wings, the size of Celestia’s. A gemstone on her forehead glowed, and blue laser beams fired from the tips of her feathers. They blasted the ceiling, causing massive stones to fall and kick up dense clouds of dust.
“Silver Spoon, I’m scared!” Diamond Tiara shouted. “Hold me!”
“Oh, you little ponies have nothing to fear,” the Duchess cooed. “Those stones merely cut off your escape. No one’s been hurt... yet.”
Through the dust cloud, Diamond and Silver could see the Duchess’ silhouette. She was standing on four legs now, and the wheels were nowhere to be seen now. She stepped forward until she towered over Diamond and Silver—she was as tall as Princess Celestia, too. She wore the Grand Tiara on her head, and the Wayfarer Spoon was tucked beneath her wing.
“You two little brats,” the Duchess said, “have delivered two remarkable gifts right into my hooves. By adding their magic to my own considerable power, and taking advantage of the confusion you’ve caused by breaking time itself, it will be foal’s play for me to usurp Celestia and Luna! Soon all will worship me as the true Princess of all Day and all of the Night! Ahahahahaha!”
A thunderstorm popped out of a time portal, just in time to punctuate the Duchess’ laughter with cracks of lightning.
“So,” she continued, “as a token of my gratitude, I will let you fillies live, provided you don’t do something else to irritate me.”
“Don’t listen to her!” Baron Zeppeli jumped out of the dust cloud, landing between the Duchess and the fillies. “You can’t trust anything she says!”
“Baron Zeppeli.” The Duchess shook her head. “I’m disappointed in you. It’s bad enough that you failed me. There’s no need for you to turn these two fillies against me as well.”
“Failed you?! I was never on your side! That was...”
“That was your evil twin robot clone from the alternate timeline of that mirror universe, I know. But he failed me, so I’m holding you responsible.”
Zeppeli gulped.
The Duchess spread her wings. “Any last words, Baron?”
“How about,” a new voice cut in, “hiii-keeba!” A yellow earth pony in a pink bandana leaped out of the fog, posed in a perfect Vril Energy Kick of the Memnan Saa Karate Style. With a loud smack, her hoof connected with the Duchess’ head.
The Duchess stumbled but didn’t fall. She snarled and pointed her wings at the newcomer, but the earth pony was too quick. She leaped, sailing over the Duchess’ head before the lasers struck the place she had been standing. She landed on the pegasus’ back. Faster than the eye could follow, she grabbed both wings and twisted them roughly. The Duchess cried out in pain and dropped to her elbows and stifles, but her assailant did not let go.
“You mess with my friends,” she said, “and I’ll put a boot in your ass, it’s the Equestrian way!”
“Wait a second,” Diamond Tiara whispered, “is that...”
“No,” Silver Spoon replied, “it can’t be...”
A bolt of purple magic struck the Duchess, and the earth pony leaped off her back. The Duchess hovered in the grip of this spell. She could do nothing but watch as stones hovered around her, then transmuted into iron chains and shackles. They bound her hooves, her wings, and her tail, so tightly that she couldn’t move any of them. A paper bag slipped over her head.
Two more ponies stepped out of the dust cloud: Princess Luna, still dressed as a seamare Captain, and Princess Twilight Sparkle, wearing a First Mate’s uniform augmented with an impressive turban. Because they didn’t stop being characters in this narrative or anything.
“Excellent shot, Twilight,” Luna said.
“Thanks,” Twilight said, “but I couldn’t have done it without Baron Zeppeli’s letting me read his entire library.”
“Twily!” Zeppeli grinned like an idiot as he ran up to Twilight.
“Zeppy!” Twilight gave him a quick peck on the lips, then looked at him with half-lidded eyes and said, quietly, “Later, you.”
Then she turned back to Luna and said, louder, “And anyway, Apple Bloom deserves the most credit, for doing the really dangerous part and helping me get a clear shot!”
“No...” both Diamond and Silver said as they looked back to the earth pony.
“Oh, that? That weren’t no thing, Twilight,” the earth pony said, as she slipped her pink bandana off. She re-tied the pink fabric around her mane, forming a bow on the back of her head. “I was just doin’ what anypony would’ve done to some meanie threatening these two adorable fillies that everyone loves!”
Apple Bloom—this unmistakably grown up Apple Bloom—scooped Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon into her arms and gave them a big hug.
“Noooooooooooooooo!” The more they cried, the tighter Apple Bloom hugged them. Her grip was like iron.
“Why, if it weren’t for these two scamps, I’da never met Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo! And I wouldn’t’ve earned my cutie mark, either!”
“And what a cutie mark it is!” Luna chimed in. “Truly worth the wait, wasn’t it, Apple Bloom?”
“You betcha!” Apple Bloom hugged the fillies even tighter.
“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
“What is all this nonsense?” the Duchess shouted through her paper bag. “It’s bad enough that I got defeated, but did I really get defeated by this pack of morons?!”
“Show some respect, Duchess!” Luna barked. “They’re our pack of morons!”
“Braaawk! Our pack of morons!” the bat on Luna’s shoulder squawked.
“Well, it sure is great to have everything fixed, and absolutely all the loose ends tied up, isn’t it?” Twilight said. Then she facehoofed. “Oh, Celestia, did I actually say that? Incoming irony in three... two...”
“And the night shall last forever!” Nightmare Moon shouted from outside. “Ahahahahaaaaa!”
Twilight rushed to window just in time to see the giant crab smash its vihuela over Nightmare Moon’s head.
A silver, flying disc zoomed past, blasting the ground with lasers until the phalanx of ancient pegasi brought it down.
Twilight turned away from the window. “What the idiosyncratic pony obscenity is going on out there?!”
“Oh my goodness gracious,” Luna said. “Twilight, was I really that hammy when I was Nightmare Moon?”
“Not the time, Luna! In fact, it looks like there’s not going to be time for anything, ever pretty soon!” She turned to Baron Zeppeli. “How did this happen?!”
“Um...”
“I’ll tell you how it happened!” The Duchess cackled before she continued, “It was Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon! They were warned that using the Grand Tiara and the Wayfarer Spoon would put too much strain on the already-weakened timestream! But they did it anyway! And now we’re all doomed! Doomed! Doooooooomed!”
Twilight picked the Duchess up and suspended her, upside down, in the air before her. “I seem to recall—”
“Dooooooooooooooooooooooomed!”
“I seem to recall that it was—”
“Dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo—”
“Shut up! It was your stupid scheme that resulted in the fillies finding those artifacts in the first place, remember?”
“I was going to fix it. After I conquered Equestria, of course. But now I don’t feel like it. So you’re all...” The Duchess took a deep breath before she said, “Doooooooooooooooooooooo—”
Twilight yanked the bag off the Duchess’ head, tied her muzzle shut with a bandana, then put the bag back on. She dumped the Duchess on the floor and turned back to Luna. “Well, it looks like another mess for me to clean up.”
“You can fix this?” Luna raised one eyebrow.
“Of course. I read Baron Zeppeli’s entire library, remember?”
“For the love of me, you don’t have to keep rubbing that in our faces,” Luna muttered under her breath.
“But I’ll need your help to put enough power into this spell! Your alicorn magic, Luna, and your zebra magic, Zeppeli, and your earth pony magic, Apple Bloom! And, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, I guess you might as well help, too.”
“Sure thing, Twi!” Apple Bloom said.
“You know I’ve got your back, Twily,” Baron Zeppeli said.
Luna nodded her head. “Lead the way, and we will follow, Twilight.”
“Ehhhhh,” Silver Spoon said.
“I guess we can’t let time break,” Diamond Tiara said with a shrug, “since that’s where I keep all my stuff.”
“Great!” Twilight said.
Outside, an army of changelings led by Queen Chrysalis charged towards an army of rock monsters led by King Sombra.
“Now what I need you all to do...” Twilight said. “I have to explain it as a metaphor. Think of the entire universe as a giant fabric weave. The vertical strands are time, and the horizontal strands are space. Got it?”
Outside, the two armies stood still and looked at each other awkwardly, as their monarchs passionately kissed.
“Now, imagine someone takes a big, sharp rock and throws it at the weave, punching holes in it. That’s what those time portals out there are! And also you get a bunch of bugs crawling all over the weave. They don’t represent anything, they’re just bugs. Anyway, you look at all those holes in your weave, and you think, Oh no, it’s ruined! If only I could have stopped this! So you hop in your time machine and go back in time—”
“Wait,” Luna interrupted. “How are we going back in time in this metaphor if the tapestry represents time?”
“It’s a weave, not a tapestry! Please, try to keep up. We don’t have enough weave left for question and answer.”
Outside, a group of Renighssance earth ponies whooped and hollered with delight as they rode on the backs of sauropod dinosaurs.
“Anyway, you accidentally get a loose strand caught in the door of your time machine, so as you travel, you start further unraveling the weave. But you get back, and you stop that other pony from throwing rocks at your weave. And you also brush the bugs off while you’re at it. You might as well. But then you suddenly stop existing! Because you prevented the event that caused you go back in time in the first place. Which causes the event to happen again, so you flick back into existence. Then out again. In. Out. In. Out.”
Chrysalis and Sombra had ceased their public display of passion. They now led their combined army against Nightmare Moon and her horde of robots.
“This cycle continues exactly two hundred seventeen thousand, fifty-six times before your shadow-self comes from further in the potential future, to stop you from messing with the actual past.”
“Wait!” Baron Zeppeli cut in. “I’ve never heard of a future-shadow self! That’s not in any working model of time travel.”
“Right,” Twilight said. “It’s just a metaphor... for the entire spectrum of rainbow-selves from every possible future and past!”
“What.”
“Anyway! Your shadow-self’s intervention stabilizes you but causes your shadow-self to start flicking in and out of existence instead. But you already know what to do about them. You travel into the potential future’s potential future, to speak to your shadow-shadow-self! With their help, you can simultaneously stop the rock from getting thrown, and stop yourself from stopping the rock, and also stop yourself from stopping yourself. You just have to take care that you don’t stop yourself from stopping yourself from stopping yourself, or then you’ll really be up a creek without a paddle!”
Another portal, the largest one yet, opened in the sky. Four massive tentacles reached down and carved deep gouges in the ground below. Molten lava flowed from the portal, around the tentacles, but they didn’t seem harmed by it.
All three armies fled, hurling curses at the sky and at each other as they went.
“Also, when you’re finished, there’s a fifty percent chance that you’ll no longer cast a shadow. Like, a normal shadow, nothing to do with your shadow-self. Are you still following me?”
“No!” Luna shouted.
“By then, you notice that all your time traveling has caused the weave to come completely unwoven, and then get tied in a huge knot! So you put your time machine inside your shadow-self’s shadow-time machine. And that’s how you travel to the future-past.”
Diamond Tiara snorted. “I’m pretty sure you’re just making this up now, Twilight.”
“That’s because you’re young and stupid.”
A hole—not a clean portal, but a ragged, swirling vortex—appeared in the sky. It sucked storm clouds and stars into its black maw, growing larger with each piece of the sky it devoured.
One of the giant tentacles swiped the vortex. It was messily ripped from its base and sucked in. The other three tentacles retreated back into their own portal.
“Anyway, from the future-past, you then plot a course to the past-future, then to the cosine of the future-present-past-past, then the arcsine of the future-future-absent-past, then the sine of the futon-pasture, and finally back to the present. And, as I’m sure you all know, if you plot that path out in a gamma coordinate system, it forms Terger’s Hexagon! And then you get back to the present, you’ll find that your weave has now become... a duck.”
Huge chunks of the ground ripped free and flew through the sky, into the maw of the vortex.
“Now,” Twilight said, “do you all understand what I need you to do?”
“I’m even more confused than when we started!” Luna shouted.
“I read the same books you did,” Zeppeli said, “and I couldn’t even understand a word you said!”
“You’re insane!” Silver Spoon shouted.
“I think I understood you, Twi,” Apple Bloom said. “Is the duck a mallard?”
The vortex blotted out most of the sky. Its pull was already attracting the small pebbles at Diamond Tiara’s and Silver Spoons’ hooves.
“Nope!” Twilight said, smiling. “It’s an Mareibbean runner duck!”
“Then I’m completely lost!”
“Great!” Twilight crouched, and her horn flared too bright to look at. The light spread, washing over everything...
———
Meanwhile...
It was sunny afternoon. Not far from downtown Ponytropolis, a plot of ground stood, completely empty except for a historic marker explaining the significance of the Golden Oaks Library which had once occupied the lot.
There was a blinding flash of light, and after it faded, the library once again occupied the lot. With it, Princess Luna, Princess Twilight Sparkle, Baron Zeppeli, the Duchess, Apple Bloom, Diamond Tiara, and Silver Spoon all appeared, too.
“Yee-haw!” Apple Bloom said. “We’re back in my home time!”
“What just happened?” Zeppeli asked.
“I fixed time!” Twilight beamed. “And all of you helped me! I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“How?!” Princess Luna barely restrained herself from shouting.
“I-i-i-it’s better if I don’t tell you.”
Luna scowled at her.
“Oh, come on!” Twilight stamped a hoof. “Like you and your sister have such a great track record of telling me things. Oh, here’s an idea! I’ll tell you how I just fixed the entire timestream, if you’ll give me unlimited access to the big archive of scary monsters that you and your sister banished from Equestria, and that are probably going to come back in my near future! How does that sound? ... Um, Silver Spoon, what are you doing?”
Silver tugged at Twilight’s fur, at the point where the base of her jaw met her neck. “I’m just making sure,” she said. “You’re good. You see, Twilight, if you’d seen...”
She then walked over to Apple Bloom and tugged at the same place on her.
“You’re good, Apple Bloom. Anyway, Twilight, if you’d seen what we’ve seen...”
She tugged at the corner of Baron Zeppeli’s face.
“You’re good, Baron. Anyway, you’d be really paranoid, too, Twilight.”
Silver Spoon tugged at Princess Luna’s face—and it popped right off into her hooves. The rest of the costume effortlessly slid to the ground.
Everyone gasped at the face under the mask. Twilight was the first to find her voice. “Um, Luna? Why were you wearing a disguise of yourself?”
“Oh, this old thing?” Princess Luna kicked at the discarded disguise at her hooves, resembling some kind of shed skin. “I’ve been wearing it since before you were born, Twilight.”
“Not when, why?”
“Well, it’s been so long, I can’t remember anymore why I started! It sure seemed important at the time, though.”
“Hey, Twilight!” Diamond Tiara said. “Is craziness contagious? Because I’d rather not find out!”
“Yeah!” Silver Spoon added. “Let’s get back to our own time already.”
“You’re right,” Twilight said. She levitated the Grand Tiara and the Wayfarer Spoon, then cast a spell to transmute them back to their original form: the time machine that had started this whole mess.
“Wait!” Baron Zeppeli ran forward and put his hooves on Twilight’s shoulders. “Do... do you really have to go back?”
“I wish I could stay, Zeppeli. I wish I could spend the rest of my life with you! But I have responsibilities in my own time...”
“I understand. If I could go back to your time, I would, but—”
“Just kiss me, you dummy!”
Twilight and Zeppeli kissed. And kissed. And kissed some more.
Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon both sneered with disgust.
Princess Luna and Apple Bloom both turned away. “Awfully nice weather today,” Luna said.
“Eeyup.”
Twilight and Zeppeli’s kiss did not stop from getting longer.
“For crying out loud!” Diamond Tiara shouted. “Get a room, you two!”
Twilight pulled her mouth away from Zeppeli long enough to say “Great idea!” With a flare of magic, the two of them teleported away.
“What?” Silver Spoon said. “Where’d Twilight go?”
Luna turned back around. “Oh, she could be anywhere in the world, really. She’ll come back when she’s had enough.”
“And when will that be?” Diamond Tiara asked.
“If past experience is any indicator,” Luna said, “it’ll be at least a month.”
“A month?!” Silver Spoon said.
“Oh, boy!” Apple Bloom scooped the two fillies into another hug. “Y’all can stay at Sweet Apple Acres! Mi casa is su casa!”
Diamond Tiara cried “Noooooooooooooooooooo! ... Wait a second. Silver Spoon, why aren’t you noooo-ing with me?”
“Eh,” Silver Spoon said. “I’m really not feeling it this time.”
“Fine, be that way. Ahem. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo...”
Luna smiled. “It sounds like the situation here is well under control. Good day to you, Apple Bloom, Diamond Tiara, and Silver Spoon.”
Luna walked over to the Duchess, still shackled and lying on the ground. “And how are you holding up, Duchess?” She prodded the inert form, but received no reply, not even a mumble or a moan. Frowning, Luna removed the paper bag and the muzzle.
The Duchess met Luna’s gaze. She inhaled deeply, then said, “Doooooooooooooooooo—”
The muzzle went back over her mouth. Luna flapped her wings and ascended to her sky-ship, levitating the Duchess with her. “To the brig with you, you scurvy dog!”
————
Meanwhile in the present...
If anypony had been watching the Golden Oaks Library that day, at the precise moment, they would have seen the entire tree briefly waver and become transparent—then immediately re-solidify. The whole process lasted only a few seconds. Even Cheerilee, who was walking towards the library when it happened, saw nothing because she turned to look at a bird at the wrong time.
The library time-traveled back, so soon after it left, that nopony ever realized it was gone.
Immediately afterwards, the front door burst open. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spooned galloped out.
“Time is horror!” Diamond screamed.
“These are things ponykind was not meant to know!” Silver wailed.
Cheerilee spared a glance as they as they rushed past her. She continued into the library. “Hey, Twilight!” she said. “What were those two going on about?”
“Oh, hi, Cheerilee! You mean Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon? Well, you know better than me how much they’re struggling in history class. I tried to help them study...”
“Oh, say no more, Twilight, say no more!”
Author's Note
The following ponies died in the construction of this tower of thundering insanity:
- Meta Four
- Darkabomination
- Storyyeller
- Brahian
- Rinsakujin
- Corvus Atrox
- Luminosity
- Wryte
- Japaneese Teeth
- Kegisak
- Kyler Thatch
- Edvedd
- Yami Vizzini
- Sereg
- Meta Four
