Tainted love

by PinkamenaPony

Rating: mature
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Spike, Comedy, Other, Romance
Length: 1694

The notoriously insane Pink Assassin known as Pinkamena Diane Pie has eluded every Chief of Royal Guard & law enforcement officer in Equestria. Can the new Exemplar apprehend this felon & bring her to justice once & for all?

The notoriously insane Pink Assassin known as Pinkamena Diane Pie has eluded every Chief of Royal Guard & law enforcement officer in Equestria. Can the new Exemplar apprehend this felon & bring her to justice once & for all? Or will he succumb to her corruption just like his predecessors ? Contains heavy adult themes and hot moments with lots of cringe inducing puns. (Teenage Spike X Pinkamena)

Published 2014-12-13 02:40:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-12-13 02:40:04 UTC

Chapter 1. The New Exemplar

Pinkamena Diane Pie heard the news via the local Ponyville Newspaper.

"A new Chief of the Royal Guard eh?" She thought aloud to Rocky who was sitting in his usual spot in the corner upon his wooden stool, looking rather stoned as usual. Just a pile of rocks to the untrained eye, but to Pinkamena he was her best friend and co-conspirator on how to keep the magic of friendship 'alive' in her otherwise desolate and lonely world. You might wonder how a pony would meet such a friend. The truth is that one day he just rocked up and said hello.

Of course Rocky's idea's about keeping the magic of friendship alive were less than conventional, as they involved the murder of said friends in order to keep their lifeless bodies around, stuffed and mounted on display but effectively never able to leave his pink friend's side as they had so often in the past. I suppose that's why most of her friends would tell her "Maintaining this friendship will be the death of me." While others just said "Stuff it, this friendship won't amount to much." Of course, Pinkamena never wasted the internal organs. She always baked then into her rather famous and extremely tasty cupcakes using a secret recipe. It added new meaning to the phrase "What’s eating you?"

"Here we go again," Pinkamena sighed. "It took me ages to convince the last one to turn a blind eye on Sugar Cube Corner and all its associated rumors and clandestine activities." She still had that eye in a pickle jar in the fridge. "Looks like I'll have to negotiate all over again." She yawned slightly at the prospect of yet another corruption of a Royal Guard Exemplar, or possible assassination if the plan failed. Some plans just had a way of coming to a dead end.

"Fear not" the voice of Mr Turnip echoed in her mind. The voice appeared to be coming from a bucket full of turnips also on a stool. He looked a little pail but Pinkamena was sure his normal health would soon turn-up. One might wonder where she'd dug up a friend like that. He was certainly not your garden variety friend for a pony. You could say he stalked her. Both he and Rocky wore party hats even when they weren't particularly having a party. None of them ever questioned why, always believing the cache phrase 'Life is a party' and therefore constantly living in one. They both refused to take them off so I guess hat was hat!
"You will succeed as always Pinkamena." Mr. Turnip continued, his voice echoing in her mind. "You're very good at what you do. You can achieve anything."

Pinkamena found renewed confidence in his words as she continued to read the article which talked about the sudden retirement of the previous Exemplar, commenting that he finally 'snapped' and was now residing in the local insane asylum. It was said that he constantly repeated the phrase 'Life is a party' and refused to eat anything other than cupcakes. However the article reassured her that he wasn't suffering from insanity, he was enjoying every minute of it.

"They all seem to end that way" Pinkamena noted, having seen the cycle many times over. "You would think they could hold themselves together a bit better than that!" She told her four inanimate friends.

"Not all of them are strong as you my dear" Madame Le Fleur commented in her beautiful accent. She was so soothing to listen to, her words like music to Pinkamena's mind. She appeared to be a sack of flour, also wearing a party hat, and perched proudly upon her stool. Once again, to any other pony she would just be considered baking material but to Pinkamena she was a confidant and mentor. If you're wondering how she became Pinkamena's friend, well: after sifting through a long list of options, she weavled her way into her life, having all the right ingredients for a recipe of wealth and success. She was the perfect friend to help Pinkamena raise some dough. Pinkamena had this friend in the bag.

"And I guess none of them have as good of friends as you four" Pinkamena commented, smiling at her un-moving friends. Sir Lintsalot said nothing simply grunting. He was just a pile of lint to most, but to Pinkamena he was the venom and fire that reminded her what losers her pony friends had been to not attend her party. Unfortunately, he would often say the same thing about her if she didn't do what the others expected of her. In this way he maintained her depressed state and kept her from becoming the bubblier Pinkie Pie; another personality of hers who lived in the same body. When Pinkamena met him she really had to a-dust her standards. It all happened when her clothes dryer broke, and she was lint another one. You might say the friendship got off to a clean start. There were many times he commented that he couldn't be fluffed with it any more but at the end of the day he proved to be an excel-lint friend to her.

Her four friends weren't really alternate personalities of hers as such; they were more delusions of her mind that she had created to help her cope with situations she was otherwise unable to. They weren't really part of her personality at all and the source of their existence was a mystery to all who knew about them. Psychosis is what Doctor Stable referred to them as. He felt they didn't really exist at all, except within the confines of a disturbed mind.

However, the Pinkie Pie side of her was most certainly another personality of hers and the two opposing sides of herself whom were oblivious to each other, not really remembering what the other one did. Pinkie Pie did not hear any voices, not even for a split second, and was blissfully unaware of any murders or crimes that Pinkamena committed. They both shared the same cutie mark, which could be considered a bit half-ass considering there were two of them.

One pony, with two opposing sides; you couldn't help but have divided loyalty when you met her but being the element of laughter, she was usually double the fun. Pinkamena often lived in her own little world, but that was ok because they all knew her there, whereas Pinkie Pie lived in a state of denial. She'd forgotten or lost many things, but she didn't consider her mind to be one of them. Thus was the insanity of this pony and many in Ponyville only knew of Pinkie Pie, completely unaware of the troubled nature of alter ego. I guess that what they mean by an altered state.

And that brings us back to this present day. As Pinkamena's four imaginary friends sat quietly on their stools waiting for the right moment to speak, Pinkamena read the rest of the article out loud to them.

"We are proud to announce the new Exemplar and Chief of the Royal Guard, to be none other than the trusted assistant of Princess Twilight Sparkle, her own dragon... Spike!"

Pinkamena's jaw dropped. "Little Spikey is the new head of all law in Equestria! They grow up so fast." The picture in the article showed that Spike was far from little any more, having grown of age for a dragon, the equivalent to late teens. He appeared taller, still walking on his hind legs with muscles now bulging from his arms and chest. It seems that combat training had smiled favorably on the young dragon. He'd also developed two large wings which magically grew at a certain age for a dragon when they were ready to learn to fly. As an earth pony, Pinkamena was unimpressed by this. If anypony expected her to be, well that just wouldn't fly.

It was obvious Spike still had quite a bit more growing to do before he would reach his full dragon size, but from what little Pinkamena knew of dragons, that could take centuries. "Looks like this will be a large scale operation" She jested, throwing out one of her many sarcastic puns at random.

She hadn't bargained on her target being a non pony; however she decided not to let that bother her. He was still a male and therefore should be fairly easy to convince. The biggest problem would, of course, be that he had a long term crush on her former friend Rarity that would be hard to break him away from.

"What's she got on me anyway?" Pinkamena questioned bitterly, looking down at her pink fur and her slightly plump frame. Despite the amount of cupcakes she consumed she still seemed to keep quite a curvy body for a pony even if it was just a little over weight. Unlike her other self, known as Pinkie Pie, she had learnt how to accentuate it at the right moment and to her best advantage.

"Don't worry" Mr Turnip said, seeming to read her very thoughts. “We will come up with a suitable plan. He is still a teenager with raging hormones. You will have this one done and dusted Pinkamena." The comment caused another disapproving grunt from Sir Lintsalot.

"I haven't seen him in so long since they left for Canterlot," She told the others. "I have no idea what he's like now.” She confessed with a heavy sigh. He'd always been so upstanding and true to Twilight with his only real weakness being his dragon greed. She was fairly certain that it probably hadn't changed much.

"First step is we will have to make a trip to Canterlot to flush out his moral code and level of maturity." Suggested Mr. Turnip, who always seemed to have a grand scheme on his mind. Pinkamena agreed and prepared, packing a light suit case for herself and another which included her four friends. She headed for the train, leaving Sugar Cube Corner in darkness with a sign on the door saying

Gone crazy, back soon.