Shipping at Two Hundred Nuzzles Per Hour
It was an ordinary spring afternoon. Applejack trotted through the orchards of Sweet Apple Acres, picking up freshly-bucked apples and dropping the loose fruit into their proper baskets. Naturally, this was the setting for something less-than-ordinary to happen.
It started at first with a tiny squeaking sound, like panicked songbirds getting lost amidst the trees. Applejack paused in her foraging, glancing around with bright green eyes. However, nothing appeared amiss, so she resumed her rural routine.
Then the squeaking intensified, cycloning around her with an eerie doppler effect.
This time, Applejack tilted the brim of her hat back so she could look better. “Hello...?!” She glared all around, jaws tense and ears twitching contemplatively. “Is somepony there?” There was no response to her drawling exclamations. “Hrmmph...” She bent over yet again, digging her nose through a pile of apples. “I swear, if Big Mac's snuck another mare up into the barn loft, I'm grabbin' the nearest pair of sheers and—”
All of the sudden, with a noise that resembled the recording of a deflated accordion being played backwards, a lavender rift opened up through time and space. A sky-blue body darted out the inexplicable glowing portal, plowing Applejack to the grass in a sweaty, fruit-scented heap.
“Ooomph!” The farm mare grunted. Applejack tried getting up, only to feel herself encumbered by a soft fuzzy body, growing softer yet firmer with persistent, ardent cheek-strokes against her freckled face. “Guhhh! Heavens to Besty! Who—?!” Her green eyes twitched upon seeing the face of the cuddling culprit. “Rainbow?! What in tarnation has gotten into you?!”
“Phweeeeeeeee...” The mare hugged Applejack tightly with all four legs. Her tail wagged like a dog's and her wings stuck straight up, almost brushing against the dangling apple branches above. “Appleliciousciousciouscioussss!” She purred like a cat, pressing her lips against the soft nape of Applejack's neck. “Chuuuuu.”
“Uhhhh... guhhhhh.” Applejack blushed red as a beet. She squirmed awkwardly beneath the petite pegasus' weight, tugging at the blades of grass around her. “Honestly, sugarcube, have y'all ever heard of p-personal space?”
“Personal pony pony pony space tissuesssss.” Rainbow grinned wide, fat dimples showing beneath happily-shut eyes. “Squeeeee!” Suddenly, the levitating portal glowed brighter, and Rainbow Dash's body flew backwards off Applejack like a puppet on strings. “Zoop!” And she vanished just as quickly as she had appeared, along with the bizarre portal that had dropped her there in the first place.
Panting for breath, Applejack sat up. She spat and sputtered in a desperate bid to rid herself of the taste of weather pony. “Duaaah... Celestia have mercy! What was that all about?” She brushed errant strands of blonde mane hair back into place, blinking. “And, come to think of it, where the hay did she go?!”
This question remained hauntingly unanswered. So, not long thereafter, Applejack trotted her way into the heart of Ponyville, carrying a bushel of apples to the market. Along the way, she bumped into Rarity, heading home from an afternoon at the spa.
“Howdy, Rarity!” Applejack trotted closer, squinting. “Can I have a moment?”
“You most certainly can, Applejack.”
The farm mare spoke in a low, hushed voice. “The strangest thang just happened to me, and to be perfectly honest, I'm plum afraid for Rainbow Dash.”
“Oh?” Rarity leaned her head to the side. “Whatever may be the problem?”
“That's just it! I dunno! One moment, I was mindin' my own business, gatherin' up apples at the farm, and suddenly—WHAM!—Rainbow Dash just crashes into me! Plain as day!”
“My word!”
“But t'ain't the half of it!” Applejack's eyes widened. “No sooner does she collide with me when all of the sudden she's clingin' super tight, lil' sister like. But that's just puttin' it mildly.” The mare gulped. “She just about hugged the stuffing out of me! And she was all nuzzlin' my face and chin with her cheeks as well!”
“Oh Applejack, of all the tall tales you could ever decide to weave,” Rarity remarked, rolling her eyes. “You really must aim to be more subtle, darling.”
“It really happened! Honest!” Applejack gestured wildly with her hooves. “There was even this strange magical portal she flew out of and back into—”
“Magical phenomena, I can buy. But Rainbow Dash being intimate?” Rarity produced a wry smirk. “That simply boggles the mind! Why, there's a far greater chance of being struck twice by lightning than ever bearing witness to our loyal Rainbow Dash doing something adorable in public—”
FLASH! Overhead, a lavender portal opened, and Rainbow Dash came barreling out. Her body took a sudden forty-five degree turn in midair, homing in on Rarity. “Heeeeee!”
GLOMP!
“Eyaa-aa-aa-aa!” Rarity shrieked as she felt her body being shoved twenty feet through the dirt road of Ponyville, forming a shallow little trench. When she came to a stop, she trembled, pinned in place by the snuggling, cuddling weight of a sky-blue speedster. “Gah! How dare you!” She sniffled. “I just had this coat freshly shampooed! You monster!” She tilted her head back, howling. “Help! Help! Police!”
“Rarity, relax!” Applejack galloped over. “It's just Rainbow Dash! Er...” She blinked. “At least I think it is.”
“Deebeecheee...” Rainbow Dash smiled so hard she nearly drooled. She buried her muzzle into Rarity's chest and nuzzled her way to the mare's chin. “Hmmmmm... marshmallowwwwww!” She giggled. “Vanilla lumps!”
“Uhm...” Rarity shivered, reaching a hoof down to pat the mare's back. “I find you a most cherished friend as w-well, Rainbow Dash.” She gulped. “Now, if you would terribly mind relinquishing your weight from my person—”
The air thundered with mutated organ music. The portal fluctuated again, and—sure enough—Rainbow Dash lifted off Rarity's body and zipped straight up into the magical anomaly before Applejack could grab her. “Third star to the right, and straight on until morning sickness! Heeheehee—” Schlump! Just like that, she and the portal were gone.
Rarity sat up straight, wheezing for breath. “Well!” She drew a hoof through her mane and shuddered. “That was most certainly... fluffy.”
“It's just like what happened to me on the farm,” Applejack said. “Only this time, I swear, it didn't last quite so long.”
“Is it just me?” Rarity stood up, brushing herself off. “Or did our dear Rainbow Dash sound somewhat...?”
“Smashed?”
“I was going to say 'outrageously inebriated.'”
“I ain't got a clue what that's all about,” Applejack said. “But judgin' from that magical lavender light and otherworldly fart gas, I get the feelin' there's only one pony in town that can help her.”
Minutes later, the two knocked on the front door to Twilight Sparkle's library. Within seconds, the alicorn princess opened it, leaning her smiling head out. “Hello there.”
“Twilight!” Rarity exclaimed. “This is a dire emergency!”
“Rainbow Dash is stuck in some crazy alien dimension!” Applejack said.
“And she keeps being spat out at random intervals, only to snuggle the ever-living-phlegm out of ponies!”
Twilight Sparkle blinked. “Oh.” She yawned, her eyes thin and bored. “Is that all?” She turned and trotted into the main library's interior.
Gawking, Applejack and Rarity swiftly pursued. “Is that all?!” Rarity gasped. “Darling, it's quite obvious that this is having a profound effect on Rainbow Dash! Why, it's intoxicated her!”
“The normal Rainbow Dash wouldn't carry on like this!” Applejack shuddered. “Rubbin' cheeks with other mares like she was their special somepony! Somethin' must have happened to have trapped her in that dag-gum'd place!”
“Or maybe I sent here there,” Twilight droned, flipping through a spell book beside a window. “And it's not really that dag'd or gum'd.”
“Wait...” Rarity leaned in. “You mean to say that you sent Rainbow Dash to some nebulous alternate dimension?”
“Twilight!” Applejack frowned. “I dun care how cuddly it's made Rainbow! That's awfully unfriendly-like!”
“Well, it's not like I did it on purpose.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “It's not my fault that Rainbow Dash likes to stick her head in—unannounced—at the most random occasion, especially when I'm working on a highly dangerous and experimental transportation spell with the Cuddle Zone.”
“The What Zone?”
“Y'know, the Cuddle Zone.” Twilight smiled. “I don't blame you for not remembering from grade school. History selfishly favors horrible events from the past, after all.” She flipped through the book and opened a page to an illustration of smiling alicorns floating neck-and-neck across a nebulous expanse full of flowers and fluffy clouds. “Thousands of years ago, when Starswirl the Bearded sculpted Tartarus out of the ether, he realized that he would need to create a dimension of pure joy and bliss in order to counteract the weight of such a miserable prison. So, at the same time that he invented Tartarus, he invented the Cuddle Zone! For millennia, alicorn deities took on the responsibility of banishing themselves to such a heavenly place, where their constant and nonstop nuzzling would help in counterbalancing the hellish compound where Equestria's monsters lived. As the eons have gone by, and most of the monsters have died out, there has been less and less of a need for the Cuddle Zone to be populated. Which has been a good thing, for—as legend has it—most alicorns who flocked there refused to ever come back out, and the majority of them have vanished into pure joyous thought, leaving only a scant few winged alicorns behind like Princess Celestia, Luna, and yours truly.”
“My word...” Rarity blinked, fanning herself. “I don't think I would ever want to leave that place either.”
“Well, now I'm really worried for Rainbow Dash!” Applejack grimaced. “If even alicorns couldn't resist the pull of that place, how much easier would it be for Rainbow to get stuck there?!”
“Only she's not stuck there,” Twilight said, placing the book back down on the podium. “Not yet, at least. You said she's appeared more than once, cuddling ponies here in our world?”
“Eeyup.”
“Then that must mean she's still anchored to our realm and it's not too late to reel her back.” Twilight licked her lips as she sketched several minute computations across a chalkboard. “For the last few hours, I've been working on a reversal to the spell that accidentally zapped her. If I can get a fix on where she'll materialize next, I just might be able to—”
“Reach in and grab her out?!” Rarity exclaimed.
“—yes. But only by going in after her myself,” Twilight said. “It won't be easy.”
“Well, reckon the first challenge is figurin' out where she'll pop out next!” Applejack said.
“Yes, about that, girls...”
Twilight and Applejack looked across the room.
Rarity stood before a window pane. She opened it, allowing the noise of surprised and shocked shrieks to enter the library. “...I dare say one need only follow the screams.”
Outside, Ponyville was a mess, due in large part to a blue pegasus appearing out of thin-air at random, only to slam into a citizen and nuzzle the stuffing out of him or her. “Heeheee! Gumdrop pony pantiessss!” And in a flash, she disappeared through the portal...
...only to appear on the opposite side of town, clinging to Big Macintosh's backside and running her smiling cheeks through his thick orange hair. “Hmmmmmm... stallions are so bone-bonyyyy.”
“Erm... eeyup.” Big Macintosh blushed through his freckles. His body lifted slightly as Rainbow ascended.
Within a blink, she was clear across town, smacking over Roseluck, Lily, and Daisy like they were bowling pins. The three mares flailed on their hindquarters while Rainbow Dash squirmed and writhed with the grace of a drunken chimpunk, rubbing her flanks into their fuzzy bellies. “Heeheehee! Goggly gushy cuddle bumpsss!” They responded with a combined shriek of effeminate horror.
Trotting around the corner, Fluttershy gaped at the scene. “Oh my goodness? What is going on around here?”
Schloomp! Before her breath ended, a portal opened to the side and Rainbow Dash tackled her, rubbing their furry noses together. “Moshi mosshi fluttershiii! Snkkkt—heeheehee!” Rainbow's voice cracked in undeniable joy as she gave Fluttershy's cheek a kitten lick.
“Guaaaaah!” Fluttershy's pupils shrank. “Never again!” Her body went stiff and pale like roadkill. “Never leaving the house again!” Before she could break into tears, Rainbow Dash disappeared in a cloud of lavender haze.
By this time, all of Ponyville was on edge. Ponies ran inside, ducking for cover. Mares and stallions alike clung to one another, fearful that their turn to face the wraith of cuddles would be next. Pedaling across the street, Scootaloo came to a stop. She lowered her helmet while the other two crusaders inside her wagon gazed all around in confusion.
“Holy cow! Why's everypony panicking?!” Scootaloo blinked. “Is it Ragneighrok or something?”
“No, not Ragneighrok,” Twilight Sparkle said, galloping up along with Applejack and Rarity. She flipped through a book, mumbling absentmindedly. “It's just Rainbow Dash being thrown in and out of the Cuddle Zone, which I'm just minutes away from rectifying.”
“Wait wait wait!” Scootaloo gaped, eyes bright. “You mean to say that Rainbow Dash is being repeatedly launched from a place that makes her want to cuddle anypony she comes into contact with?”
“I'm afraid so.”
Immediately, Scootaloo bounded off the scooter and ran for higher ground. “This is my one true chance!”
“Scootaloooo!” Sweetie Belle called out as she and Apple Bloom cowered inside the wagon. “Nuuuu! Don't leave us!” A helmet flew against her skull. "Owie!"
“Buck you guys! I've waited too long for this!”
“Please tell me you have that counter-spell prepared,” Rarity said to Twilight.
“Just about.” Twilight Sparkle concentrated hard, her lavender brow covered in sweat. “I just hope I can figure it out before Rainbow Dash breaks the Cuddle-Time Barrier.”
“Errr...” Applejack gulped. She pointed nervously across the street. “You mean like that?”
The ponies watched in horror as Rainbow Dash appeared in two... four... eight... sixteen places at once, each time cuddling or snuggling a different pony. The air reverberated with her giggling coos and breaths. The sky turned doubly blue as her wingfeathers blotted out the sun.
“Oh no!” Twilight Sparkle grimaced. “At this rate, it'll be only minutes before Rainbow Dash achieves Cuddle Singularity! The whole universe will be doomed to eternal snuggles!”
“I'm only agreeing that that's a bad thing from the tone in your voice, Twilight,” Rarity said with a nervous stammer.
“Hey! Guys!” Pinkie waved from a nearby three-story rooftop. “Look at what I can do!” She galloped to the very edge and hopped off. In mid-air, Rainbow Dash plowed into her with a heavy hug, only to vanish. Within milliseconds, Pinkie's body plunged backwards into another Rainbow Dash launching out of another portal, which sent her rocketing the other way. “Weeeeeee!” FWOMP! She landed in a hay-filled wagon, where four Rainbow Dashes poked out and nuzzled her simultaneously. “Surf the Dashie! Heeheeheee!”
“Pinkie Pie might fancy this sort of fate,” Applejack said. She gulped. “But I sure don't! Twilight, ya gotta do something!”
“I've got it!” Twilight Sparkle grinned wide, her horn glowing at an exponential rate. A magic wind billowed up all around her, kicking at her mane and tail. “Stand back, girls! I'm going in!”
“Good luck, Twilight!” Rarity clung to Applejack as the two mares huddled in the center of the thoroughly-Dashed village. Chunks of mortar and brick flew as the buildings all around them became riddled with pegasus-shaped holes. “The future of all consensually hugging ponies depends on you!”
“I promise I won't come out until I've got Rainbow Dash!” That said, Twilight galloped straight forward and right into a freshly-conjured portal. “Zoop!” And she flew in.
The first thing Twilight sensed was the incredibly pungent aroma of sweet lavender perfume, followed by the layering scents of rosebuds and jasmine. Her eyes opened to a universe comprised of endlessly undulating velvet and satin bedcovers, all lit up from beyond with an ethereal warm light. Thunder rolled in the distance, but if Twilight relaxed her ears she could have sworn it sounded like a million saxophones all trying to play the same orgasmic note all at once. She drifted sideways in flight, struck a mound of pillows, and slid down a soft cotton incline flanked by doilies and lace trim.
“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight hollered into the heavenscape. “Tell me where you are! I've come to rescue you!”
"Eyes in the dark" Rumbled a deep bass voice. "One moon circles!"
Twilight gnashed her teeth angrily. "I'm not talking to you!"
"Oh, sorry. My bad." And the voice rolled off, becoming faint.
"Rainbow!" Twilight yelled again. "I'm here to rescue you! Give me a sign!"
At last, a more familiar voice cracked in response. “Rescue me?! Why?! I love it here!”
“No you don't!” Twilight frowned. She plowed through a herd of fluffy bunny rabbits and kittens. Batting her forelimbs about, Twilight glared down the fluctuating chasm of silken colors. “You love sports! And spitting contests! And forgetting to wash your mane for days on end!”
“How could I possibly go back to that lameness?” Twilight finally spotted Rainbow's body. The pegasus twirled in the epicenter of the merry maelstrom, hugging herself in a fetal position. “Here, everything is awesome! And cuddly! Whenever you sigh, there's guaranteed to be a snuggly reason for it!”
“Rainbow Dash, it's obvious to me now that there's no convincing you to go back on your own!” Reaching her limbs out, Twilight intercepted the pegasus. She wheezed for breath from the instantly-hugging limbs. “Snkkkt... so... I-I'm going to have to do the sissiest thing in comprehension to wake you up to reality!”
“Hmmmmmmmm...” Rainbow cooed, stroking her fuzzy blue cheek against Twilight's lavender dimples with a dumb grin. “Do your worst, cutely lumpkinsssss... hee hee hee...”
Twilight gulped. “You asked for it.” Then, taking a deep... deep breath, she raised her muzzle high, then thrust forward, planting her wet lips straight over Rainbow Dash's. “Chuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...!”
At first, Rainbow's wings fluttered with delight. Then, all too swiftly, her features paled, and her pupils shrank as her eyes popped wide open. “Mrmmmmmmmmff?!” At last, Twilight released her oral grip, and Rainbow gazed beyond her, blinking incessantly. “... ... ...” Her face slumped into a dull pout. “Aww hell.”
FWOOOOOSH! Just like that, both mares flew—shrieking—into the nearest open portal afforded to them. The vast billowing lengths of the Cuddle Zone collapsed chaotically behind them, imploding into pink fuzz and lint.
Meanwhile, overlooking the rooftops of Ponyville...
Scootaloo stood on the tallest building, standing back on her hindquarters and raising her forelimbs high into the sky in a pose that in no way resembled the bad guy from Star Trot: Generations.
“Oh please... oh please oh please oh please...” Scootaloo closed her eyes as a portal opened up in front of her, brimming with lightning. “Finally! After all this time—”
The air split from two heavy bodies sailing through.
Scootaloo's eyes flew open. “Oh crap—” WHAM! Twilight and Rainbow Dash uppercutted the filly, sending the three of them plummeting off the rooftop. Twilight's magic levitated her and her feathered friend just ten feet off the ground. Meanwhile, Scootaloo fell—shrieking—into a wet horse trough. “Aaaaaaaaa—” SPLOOSH!
“Land's sakes!” Applejack looked up from the rubble-strewn streets of Ponyville. One by one, the citizens of town poked their noses out of hiding. “They made it!”
“Are you alright, darlings?” Rarity galloped over, followed by Applejack and several more.
“We're okay.” Twilight panted for breath. “At least I think so.” She smirked aside. “Well, Rainbow Dash?”
“Mmmmff...” Rainbow Dash rubbed her fuzzy muzzle. She blinked, cross-eyed, then rubbed her own face again. Squinting straight, she teetered in place. “Did what I think just happened actually happened?”
“I don't know.” Fluttershy trembled from around a nearby building side. She crouched low, near tears. “B-but I'd like to f-forget it, all the same!”
“Maybe now you'll take my advice and avoid flying low to the library when I'm doing experiments!” Twilight growled.
“Ugh!” Rainbow rolled her eyes. “I can't believe it! I'm never going to live this down!”
“Why would you ever want to, Dashie?” Pinkie bounced up. She leaned in and stroked her cheek across Rainbow's neck. “You could just live it cuddling up and down instead!”
“Eeeugh!” Rainbow wretched. She flapped her wings and darted high into the air. “I need a bath! Smell you losers later!” Fwooosh! She soared off, serenaded by a gaggle of amused chuckles from Ponyville's population.
“Hey! Dashie! Wait!” Pinkie hopped patiently after her. “Come back! It's kind of nice when you get used to it! Who says you have to do all the cuddling?! Hey! Come back!”
Rarity sighed, smiling at the general crowd. “Well, it's delightful to know that such a calamitous event ended swimmingly, and without any pony getting hurt.”
In the distance, gasping and sputtering, Scootaloo swam her way out of the horse trough. She had barely gotten a single breath when a loose line of roof shingles landed across her skull, plowing her to the dry ground below. “Ooof!”
“Mmmmhmmm.” Rarity beamed. “Not a single pony getting hurt at all.”
“Hooraaaaaaaay!”
The town square erupted in roaring cheers. Everypony was too busy dancing and celebrating to notice two mares sneaking their way out from the crowd and into the library across the street.
Quietly, Twilight Sparkle closed the door behind her. Exhaling, she spun and faced the central interior. “I can't believe that it worked! They all bought it too!” She smirked, trotting forward. “Rarity would never have fallen for the whole 'Cuddle Zone' story if it weren't for you playing along.”
“I know.” Applejack smiled bashfully, her freckles melting under a rosy hue. “I reckon nopony is even close to figurin' out that you zapped Rainbow on purpose.”
“Well, of course I had to!” Twilight placed her book down onto the podium. “How else was I to know if the spell would be harmful or not? Well, turns out, you can survive a self-sustained pocket universe of infinite bliss. And...” She leaned forward, purring as she nuzzled Applejack's cheeks. “...with schedules as busy as ours, this is the only opportunity we'll ever have. So, what do you say?”
“Uhm...” Applejack wheezed, her throat dry. “Eeyup.”
“Excuse me?” Twilight Sparkle tore off the farm mare's hat, glaring at her, nose to fuzzy nose. “Did somepony forget her place?”
“Erm...” Applejack whimpered, weak in the knees. “What I m-mean is...” She smiled bashfully, bowing low... lower. “Eeyup, mistress.”
“Hmmm...” Twilight Sparkle patted Applejack's head with the bottom of her hoof. “That's more like it. Now...” Her horn glowed as she aimed at a mirror looming across the room from them. “...prepare to experience the cuddling of your life.”
“Squee...?” Applejack smiled, twitching in anticipation.
"Squee." Flash! Twilight's magic spell struck the mirror, bounced back, and enveloped them both, farting the two mares off to a dimension not of sight and sound but of sighs.
The fuzz.
