Everything Hates Me: A Bronys Adventure

by Narshlog117

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Romance, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia
Length: 19082

This is the tale of how a young man named DMT was forced into a dimension that was not his own by an unknown force.

I suppose it's only natural that "EHM," as its title is so commonly shortened, should find its way to FIMfiction. This is the premiere destination for MLP fanfics nowadays, and it would seem amiss if a story that so many people have read did not take its place here.
As most of you know by now, this is a story about DMT, A blob, and Mac, going out on a grand adventure into lands beyond Equestria to save the life of Twilight Sparkle. It's about those three ponies growing both separately and together, and it's about exploring just what makes up the world where Friendship Is Magic takes place. It's a story about growth, struggle, and sacrifice. Nopony in it leaves it unchanged.
You will notice, if you have read this story before, that I have removed a lot of the use of bold text and some of the uses of italics. I really did use a great deal of marked-up text in this story, far more than is actually necessary to convey meaning and emphasis. Hopefully this makes for a cleaner read.
A huge debt is owed to everyone who has read this story since I started writing it way back in 2011. You all helped me keep going when my spirit seemed to falter. It is for you that I place this story here- and for you that I write what will come next.

Blurb: DMT has always assumed that his body hated him, and so did the universe. His theory is proven when a series of unfortunate events occur, resulting in him in Equestria and nearly being killed over again and again due to plane crashes, falling ponies and a bunch of other derpy situations. Ok, shoot me for not being MASSIVLY original, but this has quite a lot of differences to all the other Human in Equestria stories. It’s a rather amusing and random, contains quite a large amount of choice language, a hell of a lot of references, especially to epic titles and books such as The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, and sexual puns as well. I will have a relationship involved in my story but I doubt I will include clop, but I don’t know yet, and if I do, there will be a link to it instead of me including it in the main story so those who do not generally read pornography don’t have to, the next chapter would skip to the morning after most likely. I’ve got TONS of ideas for this and will see it to the end, so if you enjoy, throw up your thumb and throw down a comment to give me any feedback at all, praise and criticisms so I can make live up to all your expectations. Love and tolerance bro’s! (\ P.S I have chosen myself as the main character so I can express my feelings about what happens in the story from my point of view, and also explain what I would do in these situations. I can tell you that all my little back stories are true, so that’s pretty original and cool, however it has resulted in my friend, Hoe Joward, (You’ll learn more about him in the story as it progresses) making a parody of it that’s really offensive to me, and so weird and nonsensical it will melt your brain, but it’s bloody brilliant so I’ll link it at the end of the story for you to read.

Published 2014-12-20 04:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-13 17:03:42 UTC

buckle up lads

Chapter one, An Ordinary Lifestyle… Or not…

“Oi wanker, get up!”

My wakeup call from my loving brother there.

I murmur a muffled “Bugger off” into my covers and he rips the duvet off the bed.

“Come on, Dad wants you up now, you’ve already slept in too much” I groan and lift my face up out of my pillow. And look around.

“Is it past noon yet?” I ask, blearily rubbing my eyes.

“It’s eleven thirty”

“That means a good thirty more minutes in bed then” I say aloud and reach for my blanket again.

“Up” he says and dumps it on the floor “Now”

I finally get up grumbling about general rubbish and fall on my face. My leg had given out. “Ow”.

my brother just laughs and goes off about his business. I had come to the conclusion that my body hated me long ago, and there was always something wrong. If I wasn’t ill, I was injured, and if I wasn’t either, it was a bloody miracle! I reach for the towel at the end of my bed. My old, trusty towel. It was frayed at the edges and it was a sort of redy, pink colour, but it was still a towel none the less. I managed to claim it for my own since no one ever used it. I pull up the blinds and let the sun greet me. “Another day” I say “Another kick in the balls from god” I was quite partial to taking old sayings and warping them into some daft depressing statement, it made me laugh a bit, and I could do with as much laughter as I could get .

I walk downstairs in just my underpants and find dad trying that all important last level on one of his favourite games, Ace Combat 6, Wings of Gracemaria again in the living room. He particularly liked flying games, but he also loved Halo to bits. He was just a big kid really. I continue my way to the downstairs bathroom where the shower was.

Into the kitchen now and another familiar sight, Mum at the table with her MacBook Pro working her way through more lyrics to a song she was working on over about five cups of tea. She had come from a musical background; her mum was a folk singer that travelled around with her family writing songs and playing them all the while. Now through the little hallway we turned into a pantry and finally into the bathroom. I lock the door behind me, turn on the light which triggers the fan, and turn on the shower. I quickly throw my boxers into the dirty washing basket and hop in letting the hot water trickle down my body. I always preferred showers to baths, they were much faster and there wasn’t enough time in the day. It only took me five minutes and I was back out again towelling off, and then heading back upstairs.

Quick shave, deodorant, finish off with the hair dryer, and then go into my room to get dressed. I put on a cool new T-Shirt I just got with the Earth and the Galaxy on the front and a pair of black jeans, I then check my [REDACTED] review group I had created on Facebook and then [REDACTED] itself, then I was off. Out the door, and took a moment to appreciate the view.

“I’ll never get tired of that view” I say out loud. From here you could see a cove with a little village tucked in the side of the cliffs. There were a couple of woods also in view, and the railway line. It had been raining recently so along with the seagulls messing around, there were waterfalls tumbling off the cliffs into the sea. I sigh, one of the very few things at the moment that truly does make me happy is that view. Living in Robin Hoods Bay was certainly something when it was nice outside. Which trust me, isn’t usual… Bloody English weather. Now off to see something else that would make me happy. My girlfriend.

I spot my brother Pen come my way; he’d just finished walking the dog. I stood in front of him, teasing. Even though I was a two and a quarter years older than him, for four years we had been pretty much the same height.

I had grown quite a bit now and I looked down at him “Midget” I joke with him, and he reaches to zap me in the ribs. I grab the offending arm and twist it behind his back. He squeals and then laughs. I zap him in the ribs and then push him away. “Go on” I say and he continues towards the house.

I jump on my bike and free wheel down the hill that my house is perched on. A weeks half term holiday was definitely needed right now, however, I was off to the south of France in three days, so I wouldn’t be here all week. I intended to make the best of the time I had here, and race off as fast as I can, winding my way through the village taking daring jumps, grinning all the way there. Things in my life seemed to be getting just a bit better now. I wished I could feel like this forever, taking joy in my speed and dangerous cornering’s, pedalling as fast as humanly possible. This is what it felt to be like Rainbowdash I guessed.

I had spotted something on the internet that caught my eye, My Little Pony energy drink. HOW COOL IS THAT!? I had found it on a random page of the internet. It was from America however, so I would have to pay £8 to get it shipped over. Totally worth it. The can had a picture of Dash on the front with the caption “20% cooler” on the front. Pure genius. I intended on getting a glass case to frame the can in once I had drunk it to prove I had bought one, and then place it on my desk or bedside table as a trophy.

I got back around six after spending the day with Joanne. She was a truly stunning girl. She had Black hair, green eyes and a sense of humour that was so close to mine it was almost uncanny. She was great to be around, it was a wonder I even got her in the first place. It was one of those relationships where you both tease one another in public and then practically eat each other’s faces off in private. Usually we would meet up with Sparky and a couple of other of my non-brony friends and mess around in the park, drinking coke and telling stories of life playing silly buggers with us. Of course, they didn’t know I was a brony, and I didn’t intend to tell them either, they were the kind who just lie around on a weekend just trying to have a laugh, and they didn’t really get to watch much TV as boarders anyway.

The best story was always the one about sparky getting his nickname. His real name is Tom Jones. Simple and to the point, but the pillock went and electrocuted himself in front of us when he was pissing around with an electric golf cart battery and passed out. He told it really well and if you didn’t witness it, you’d probably think it was bull shit, but by god was it funny.

I made myself something to eat and went upstairs with it. Something nice and simple. I literally emptied a small tin of sardines in spicy tomato sauce onto two small wraps and ate that. Bloody gorgeous. I smack my lips and put the plate on the window sill while. I turn on my computer and load [REDACTED] up again, read through a new story from a [REDACTED] author I quite like, then talk to my fellow brony friends on Skype. Only two of them are proper bonys, ones was called Hoe Joward, a complete psychopath who only introduced us all to My Little Pony because he’s an idiot who loves to manipulate people, and the other was called Pear, and once described himself as “A nerd with a raging boner for adjectives” He had also earned himself the nickname ‘Pearple Prose’ somehow. That pretty much sums them up.

We mostly talk about what we’re going to do during the week off, and arranged to meet up in town on Thursday. I told them I couldn’t come because I was in France and they said it wasn’t a problem.

Ahhhhhh… I thought. The south of France. Just peace in a beach villa for two weeks. I could definitely go for that. I eventually got tired at half eleven and decided to get some sleep. I didn’t get very much however. I never do for some reason.

it's going to be a boring ride

Chapter Two, Dead.

That Wednesday we all set off to Newcastle for the flight. We were traveling second class, and I had my iPod filled with ponystep. I listened to various tracks from TheLivingTombstone, Omnipony, Aviators and a bunch of other amazing brony DJ’s all the way to the airport, and then watched MLP on the flight. I only had time to download three episodes, but that was enough. I looked over at my brother; he’s playing Zelda on his DS. I look at mum, writing more lyrics, I look at dad… He’s snoring his head off. Not surprised, I wander off to the back of the plane to use the lav. There was someone already in there, so I was forced to wait for a minute then someone finally came out.

“Actually… you might want to use the other one, give this one time to air out…”

“Nice…” I muttered back frowning, the man looked amused at my response, and went on his way. I waited for the next toilet and after the man in that one came out and jumped in and locked the door. They were playing some daft elevator music which sounded oddly familiar. That’s when the plane jerked, causing me to lose my aim and piss up the side of the wall.

No time to finish emptying my bladder I thought what the hell is going on? The plane was groaning now, I quickly zipped up and walked out to the main corridor of the plane. There was a stewardess trying to get everyone to calm down, talking about technical difficulties and telling everyone to remain in their seat. The plane groaned again, or rather, it’s right wing did. All heads turned to it, looking out the window, then a plate of metal came off it, and then another followed suit.

All was silent until a guy at the front said “Holy shit…” A bigger piece of metal then came off. I looked at my mum the other side of the plane and she looked at me. Panic stricken, she opened her mouth to speak, then the whole right wing came off... Oh fuck… The plane started to decline, spinning crazily. The people who weren’t in their seat got thrown around, one woman flew towards a doorway. I managed to look away just in time but I still heard the sickening crunch.

I got thrown into the side of the plane and it just kept hurtling downwards, spinning all the while. Utter panic ensued, screaming and crying all over. I smacked my head and blackness started to cloud around my vision. Everything was muffled now, Images started to blur together then I noticed someone drift idly past me and a horrible grinding noise brought me back to my senses. The plane was being torn in half by the gees. I got sucked outside with a bunch of other people and I opened my eyes. Bad idea. The wind was tearing at my face, I had to close them again. When I finally opened them once more, they were streaming, but at least I could see now. There were corpses, litter and live people all falling with me. I looked up just as an enormous hand disappeared into the clouds with a chuckle. Just before it disappeared it flickered and became a huge lion’s paw and the laugh changed tone.

What? Surely not… I looked at the wreckage of the plane as it swirled around manically and swatted most of the stuff in the air aside. I looked down. Oh fuck… This was it… I was gonna die… I flattened myself and spread my limbs out to reduce my speed and to stop me spinning crazily like I’d seen on TV. Then I thought, What’s the point in slowing it down. It’s just means living off more borrowed time, more borrowed time living in perpetual fear. A couple of other things similar to that span around in my head, and then I just simply put my arms to the side and my legs together.

I was falling head first; I was more streamlined than anything else now, so I was falling much faster. My left shoe then flew off and collided with the face or another corpse with such force the guy’s head was nearly torn off. Thanks a FUCKING bunch universe, take my god damn shoe while you’re at it why don’t you. I noticed that I was slowly getting closer to the earth, and it was coming up to meet me. Even though I was practically shitting myself, I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful it was, looking down on the ocean and the massive expanse of perfectly shaped green land.

I had always been able to push depressing thoughts out of my head if I had something truly wonderful to marvel at, just another weird thing I could do without trying. Then I realised, it was coming closer way to fast, I was feeling the heat on my face now, burning me up. My vision starting to change as I got closer and closer, colours started swimming around my head. Then the depressing thoughts came back. Are my parents already dead? Is Pen dead too, Or can they all see me? Are they falling as well? I tried to forget this, but it was too hard. I was so close now, more colours started to swim around my head, more vibrant than I had ever seen, and just a mile before my imminent doom on the rocky land below, the colours were getting too much for me now, it hurt my brain to process the images. I closed my eyes…

This was it… Five… Four… Three… Two… One… I felt like I was being pulled through a plughole, only limb by limb instead of whole. I had to look now. Just random colours swirling around then finally, ground.

The first bit of a fair lot of nothing

Chapter Three, De Ja Vu?

I wake up but I keep my eyes closed for now. I catch that thought and chase it. I’m awake..? I can’t be… I open my eyes. A meadow. Trees with raindrops hanging off them like decorations, and pain. A lot of that. I grunt and try to sit up, and thus, we have bad idea number two. As far as I could tell, my right kneecap was screwed, my collar bone broken, my arms seemed to be ok, but the headache was the killer… Imagine having the world’s worst hangover but the party’s still going on in your head. Only the whole of the police force turned up, and joined in.

I continued to look around. Very interesting… Pink mountains off in the distance over there... Judging by the position of the sun, it had only risen a few hours ago. It was eight o’clock, maybe nine at the most.

“I must be dead…” I say out loud “It only took you this long to fucking kill me!!! Jesus Christ, the nerve of some gods / universes…” And as if in response I hear a loud “Crack” As I look up at the tree above me, an orange and pink something came down on me faster than a meteorite on steroids, if that were possible. It landed on my left arm just centimetres away from my head. I was so shocked for a moment I didn’t know what to do, I just looked at it, and it looked back at me. “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooowwwwwwww!!!” I screamed. “FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU…” I added, and then I passed out once more.

Poke…

Poke poke…

Poke poke poke poke poke poke…

Slap!

“AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!” My eyes snapped open, wildly trying to take in my surroundings then they settled on the violet face of one of the creatures standing above me.
No… I think. It can’t be. Can it? I reached up with my right arm and grabbed it. Soft. Furry. Warm.

“Hey!” I heard “What the hay do you think you’re playing at” I let go and looked towards the noise. My brain decided this might be a good time to work and started to patch things together. Another one. Cyan. Many other colours too. Eyes hurt. I went to rub them and I was rewarded with a fresh stab of pain

“JEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS” The creatures flinched “MOTHER OF ALL THINGS HOLY WHAT THE FU…!?” Something hard and furry got shoved into my mouth. I spat it out.

“Keep yer darn language down, sugar cube. We got young un’s here!” I watched the smaller orange and pink figure shuffle slightly at this. There was no mistaking that voice though… Was I dead? Was this heaven? I never imagined THIS to be heaven, to be frank, I never even thought it existed. But surely, this couldn’t be heaven. Could it? Once again my eyes were rolling in their sockets. I stopped them for a second to concentrate on the creatures around me.

Ponies. They were all ponies. I wanted to rip my hair out and smash my skull into a tree, but I could do neither. My body was screwed. “I’m not dead?” I managed “I’m alive!?” One of the pony things quivered next to me and took a step back “How the he…!?”

Fury thing in my mouth again. “I told ya sugar cube, language!” I spat it out again, my disillusions started to fade and my vision cleared up a bit. However, the pain returned. “Scootaloo, it might be an idea to run along now, thanks for telling us of this” I heard one of the figures say.

“But…” the orange and pink thing that was Scootaloo complained.

“Go. Now!” Scoots harrumphed and left. I tried to moan but a mere whimper came out.
“Oh dear…” another voice piped up, this one quiet, shy and caring. A light Yellow and pink being approached me and said “Goodness…”

What they all saw was a fifteen year old human male (Of course they didn’t know I was a human) with just under shoulder length brown hair, it was parted down the middle so it separated in way that used to earn him the nick name ‘Curtains’ at his old school. Part of it had signed away as had bits of his clothing revealing a large left sideburn that was usually concealed by the missing hair. He had bushy eyebrows, hazel eyes, something that resembled fleshy claws instead of his fore-hooves. He was wearing… interesting folds of fabric, had great big something’s over his rear hoofs and a wristwatch in both digital and analogue. It was mortally wounded and severely burnt. They watched it pass out again and they dragged it between them to the nearest house.

I woke up again in the same manner, not opening my eyes just yet to try take in what’s been happening “Oh… I think it’s waking up now” a sweet voice said surprisingly close to my ear. My eyes snapped open once more and the first thing I saw was a giant eye in front of mine. “Eep!” the startled figure squeaked and dove for cover. I was about to rub my eyes and remembered that my body had just been smashed to pieces. I looked at down at myself and prodded my collar bone with my good arm… No pain. I gingerly moved my right leg. No pain. I moved my left arm. No pain. I jumped up onto my feet quickly and fell back down on my face. I heard a stifled giggle to my left.

“Not exactly agile is he?” A cocksure voice started “I’d pound him into the ground in a race” I went a bit cross-eyed at this and tried to get up slowly this time. Gasps ensued.

“It’s bipedal” I heard. “Interesting…” I looked in the voices general direction.

My mouth decided to move before my brain told it to and I ended up saying something around the lines of “Nerrrg” the creatures were puzzled at this.

“He was speaking OK before, what’s up with him now?” Ponies. They were ponies, and not just any ponies either, they were THE ponies. Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow dash, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie and a quivering Fluttershy under the table.

“Holy sh…” Applejack looked like she was ready to shove her hoof into my gob again. “Shenanigans!” I managed to say before she did.

“At least y’all learn quick” She said with a mischievous grin.

“But how? Who? What? Where? Why?” I began a bit cliché “How in the name of everything that DOESN’T want to screw me over right now, did THIS happen!?” They just looked at me blankly. “You’re ponies! I should be dead!! What about the plane!?!?” The mane six looked utterly bewildered now. “AAAARRRRGGGG!” I managed. You ever had one of those days when the universe wants to kill you and fails so it just keeps trying again, and again, and again until you’re crushed and broken? I guess not… I wanted to throttle them to make sure they were real and relieve the stress, I wanted to throttle myself to make sure that I was real and relieve the stress, I wanted to smash everything, I wanted to break down and cry on the floor.

My body decided on the last one. Each of the ponies except for Pinkie now had the same facial expression of Derpy. As I sobbed into the carpet Pinkie approached me and put her hoof on my shoulder

“Poor guy… OOOOO I KNOW WHAT WILL MAKE IT BETTER!!!” She screamed

“NO BLOODY PARTIES!!!!” I screamed back. Now she looked like the rest.

“Wuuuh?” she mumbled. I ran to the door in a feeble attempt at running away from my worries, only to have it slammed in my face. I flew back into the room in an almost comical way, hit the wall and slid down, on the brink of unconsciousness. I’d better get used to this. I thought and watched Princess Celestia enter the room. Now I did pass out. It just wasn’t my bloody day. Never is.

oh look. another horse.

Chapter Four, Alive…ish

I woke up to another big eye in my face. A much bigger eye albeit, but an eye none the less. The owner of that eye smiled

“Ah” she sighed “You are awake. Good. Are you alright?”

So it’s not just humans that ask blisteringly obvious questions. I had been sledging with my cousin once in a field not too far from my house. We had given each little section of it titles, you had a slight descent at one end which we nicknamed ‘The Baby Park’ The part next to it was steeper ‘The regular’ The part next to that, steeper still and bumpy too ‘Shaken and Stirred’ And finally ‘Death Valley’ I’ll let you guess why we called it that. We went on all but The Baby Park, and when it came to Death Valley I fell off my sledge face first into the snow.

I quickly got up and looked at it, still ploughing down the hill “Wait! Come back!” I yelled at it and gave chase. Not such a good idea as it turned out. There was a rabbit hole underneath the snow and as I ran, my right foot landed in it, my leg stopped, the rest of me did not. The end result – My kneecap shattered and my leg bent the wrong way.

As I lay screaming in pain my cousin came over and the first thing he asked was “Are you alright?” he asked with a slight frown.

“DO I LOOK ALRIGHT!?!? LOOK AT MY FUCKING LEG!!!” And I pointed to it. I then had exactly the same conversation with the first seven doctors that saw me afterwards.

I looked at Celestia “I’ll give you three guesses” and struggled to my feet.

She smiled at me “I am Princess Celestia, and you are?” I went to shake her hoof.

“The names DMT.” I reply and attempted to return the smile which ended up being more of a grimace.

“Well then DMT, what are we to do with you?”

I huff and rub the back of my neck grimacing. “Well you could finish me off” I suggest. I know she wouldn’t, but oh well.

“Now why in the whole of Equestria would I want to do that?” she asks.

“Well this screwy universe has already tried to kill me four times today, why make it wait any longer?”

She frowned. “Because you have so much to live for DMT, and you only just got here! These ponies here, are…”

“I already know who they are” I cut her off “Don’t worry about that” I massage my temples in a futile attempt to try and figure everything out and reduce the throbbing in my head. My major injuries were gone now, but I still had scratches, bruises and the mother of all headaches known to any creature.

“Wut?” all the ponies said together. Ah… Now this could be interesting, they didn’t know they were a cartoon. “Ahhhh… well… It’s complicated, so complicated your brains would melt.” Rainbowdash steps forward.

“Try me” she challenges.

“Honestly Rainbow, if I told you, you’d all think I was crazy, lock me in a cage and throw away the key.” They stare at me some more.

“Are you crazy?” asks rarity slightly taken aback.

“No”

“Well then. Now, you have some major explaining to do DMT, what the hay just happened?”

It was my turn to sound stupid now. “Wut?” All my memories then flood back to me in one… The holiday… The plane… My family… I fall to my knees again and just look at the floor. Everything was gone. What now? I always wanted to go to Equestria for the lols, even though it never existed. Or at least that’s what I thought. But I never wanted to come like this… Everyone would have thought I died in the wreckage of the plane.

Utter loss consumed my heart. “It’s all gone…” I mutter “I should be dead… My family… Friends… Joanne… All gone…” A single sob escaped me. This time it was Celestia’s hoof that can come to rest on my shoulder. Now a single tear trickled down my right cheek as I looked down, unseeing.

“I think, you could use a drink.” She said. This was unexpected, ponies offering alcohol? A glass of water materialised in front of me. Ah. Just water. I drank it all in two seconds and threw the glass down, it disappeared before it could collide with the floor. I couldn’t let my emotions overcome me right now, I had to push them out of the way for the moment. I could cry and smash as much as I liked later. I took a few deep breaths and when I was sure I was calm enough not to do something stupid.

I try to talk again. “Do you have an hour?” I croaked and looked up at all the confused faces. “Because this could take a while…”

pretty much filler tbh

Chapter Five, Arrangements.

I explained everything to them, except the fact that MLP is just a cartoon on earth. I talked about my home, humanity as a general, all of our biggest triumphs and all our biggest failures, my family, friends, my beautiful girlfriend, the holiday I was embarking on, the plane, (explaining what one was and how it worked for their benefit) How it went wrong, falling to my doom, the utter chaos, and the immeasurable amount of pain I went through. I felt I was missing something crucial that happened… Chaos… why does that word stick to me..?

The ponies clung to my every word. They were amazed at everything I said, some of them even cried at one point when they realised my loss and what I must have been through. At the end all of them were speechless. Pinkie Pie ended it by jumping up to hug me and she tried to talk, but just blubbered. I returned the hug and then looked over at Celestia. Her face was expressionless for a moment and then she sighed. There wasn’t much to say anymore, for anyone so there was a moment’s silence.

Finally Celestia said “Well then… You’re not having the best of times right now, and I’m surprised you’re holding up so well. You are going to need a serious night’s sleep if you can muster it, so I suggest you stay here and sleep on this sofa as long as Twilight doesn’t mind…”

Twilight shook her head

“Good, I will return tomorrow morning and we will try fix you with a more permanent shelter, food, drink and new clothing” she then turned to the mane six and then continued. “I suggest that you should also get well rested for tomorrows antics.” They all nodded, said their goodbyes and wandered off out the door. Except for Twilight, she just stood there. “Goodbye Twilight, DMT.” Celestia finished and followed the other five outside.

I realised that this must be Twilight’s tree home. I look around, book shelves everywhere. Yep, this is Twilight’s home alright. She looks at me and I look at her. She blushes slightly and then asks “Erm… Would you like anything before you go to bed?” I shook my head and she went about her business. I looked out the window. The sun was setting. Life sure was interesting right now. A pile of crap admittedly, but interesting.

I woke up to the sound of loud snoring. Twilight snores? I asked to myself, and then notice spike in his basket. Wow. It was him, and Christ could he snore! I got up and had a look around. Twilight was at the table with a mug of tea and a book. She turned a page and recoiled as she got a paper cut on the lower part of her leg. She waved it around

“Ow, sugarplums!” she cursed then noticed me. “Oh, hey DMT” and she blushed slightly again realising she must have looked like a fool.

“You look tired Twi, didn’t get much sleep?” She was obviously surprised I was already being as casual to call her “Twi” But didn’t say anything. I just ignored that and looked around.

“Erm…” I started “You wouldn’t happen to have anything edible around here, would you?” I’m not usually one to have breakfast on the morning, but I hadn’t eaten much at all yesterday with all the being killed, fallen on and being unconscious.

“Oh of course” she said and her horn glowed. A couple of draws opened and closed. “Actually, what do you eat?” she asked. I’d better not answer that truthfully I thought. She won’t be happy to know I’m quite partial to meat.

“Erm… Cereal? Eggs? Fish? Fruit?” She opened a cabinet and pulled out a carrot and half an apple. “That’ll do” I say “Thanks” and sit down to munch.

After pleasing my stomach, the inevitable happened. Twilight bombarded me with questions of my cultures and influences, what my world was really like, and many, many other things. All of those Human in Equestria fan-fics were pretty much accurate on that then. It might be an idea to use something out of them from time to time. I tried to answer them as best I could, but some didn’t really make all that much sense to the way humans behaved.

Then, right on cue, Princess Celestia came back with the other five again. “Good morning DMT, good morning Twilight… Oh my… Bad night?” she had noticed Twilight was looking tired.

“Couldn’t sleep I’m afraid” Then all heads turned to spike who had just let out the loudest snore yet.

“No, don’t go just yet Rarity…” he mumbled in his sleep. Rarity blushed. She kicked his basket and he shot upwards releasing an “Eep” worthy of Fluttershy, and landed face first on the floor. Celestia turned to me again.

“Ahem, yes well, how are you feeling this morning DMT?” She seemed genuinely concerned for me, I expected her to question the hell out of me, try to get me to lose my temper to see if I was dangerous or not, maybe even lock me away until she was positive I was safe to be around.

“I feel like I’ve had my brain smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick” They stared at me blankly “It’s a reference ma’am, don’t worry about it” I say, trying to keep my manners in case she did something like that anyway. She nods and gives an understanding smile

“I think it may be an idea to start getting you on your hooves” The others still seemed a bit uneasy around me, but they trusted the princess so as long as she was fine with me, they would be… Hopefully.

“Well” Rarity started “We had better get you some better clothing first, we can’t have you walking around in those rags.” I looked down at myself, my jeans were torn and singed as was my T-Shirt, and I only had one shoe now.

“Damn… I quite liked these, could we just repair them?” She looked shocked at the thought of me keeping them, I expected as much.

“Well, if you really want to keep them… But I must make you a spare pair or something more… Acceptable in case anything happens to those, and why are you wearing them anyway? It’s not as if it’s freezing cold!” Ah… this could be awkward.

“Well… My species… we’re a bit more body conscious, you see… things are more… Visible… for us.” The entire mane six blushed at the mental images I had given them.

“Ah…” Rarity continued. “I can see how that could be problematic. Wait, so that means you wear clothes almost all the time, right?”

“Um, yeah we do” Her eyes looked like they were about to pop out.

“OH MY GOODNESS, IT MUST BE FABULASS! What fashions are there? Do you have any undamaged clothing I can examine? Do you have any pictures? SHOW ME!!!” I almost fell over with that last sentence.

“Rarity my dear, you should probably take it down a notch” Princess Celestia said a bit exasperated.

“Oh, of course, terribly sorry” she said sheepishly. “Well, anyway, I’m going to need to know what your clothing is made of if I’m to repair it.” I didn’t know so I decided it would be a good idea to take my T-Shirt off to look at the label. They all looked flummoxed at this.

“I thought you were a male, you’ve got nipples!” one of them said.
Oh Jesus…

“Ah… Well, I am male, we just have… Different body’s to you, as you can tell. They don’t work as such, they’re just there for some reason. This conversation is getting incredibly awkward now…” I looked at the label on the neck of the shirt. It read ‘Burton Menswear, London, Great British Style since Nineteen Hundred And Four, Small, Pure Cotton.’

“Erm, its pure cotton”

“How can you tell?” I threw her the T-Shirt.

“There’s a label on the neck, it tells you who the manufacturer is, where it came from, how old the company is and what it’s made from.”

Her eyes glazed over “That’s the best idea EVER!!! I’m going to have to do this then everyone who looks at my clothing on another pony will go Ooh, that’s nice, and look, it says Rarity made it in Ponyville, I want one! And they will know where to get one, and there will be ponies queuing outside the door out for MY clothes and I’ll make MILLIONS!!!” We all stared at her. “Oh, oops… I think I may have been a bit loud then…”

“As I was saying…” Celestia continued “Unless Twilight says otherwise, I expect it will be ok for you to stay here with her for the moment and you could go around doing odd jobs earning bits, we can have a poster on the town hall notice board and in a few shops, and eventually with a bit of help, you may be able to get a little house of your own!” I smiled.

“That sounds perfect. A little manual labour never killed… Too many people… I imagine.” Silence.

“Well, I’d be happy to put a notice up in Mr and Mrs cake’s shop for you, and I could even write it on the buns!” Pinkie started.

Rarity then continued “Yes, I’ll put up a notice in my shop, I don’t mind that”

“Urm, I could get Angel to tell all the other animals about it. I think…” Said Fluttershy.

“I could spell it out in the clouds!” Rainbowdash blurted out. “That would be sooo cool”

“Ahm sure I could I could put a message on our apple based products and a notice on the barn too for y’all.” Applejack continued.

“I can get that notice in the town hall sorted out.” Twilight agreed.

“Well then, looks like my work here is done!” Smiled Celestia “I shall return soon to make sure you are happy and settling down nicely, don’t hesitate to ask twilight to send me a letter if you need something.”

“Thanks very much Princess” I gave a bit of an awkward bow, my back still hurt so I couldn’t give a proper one.

“My pleasure.” She said in a friendly tone. “And please, if you get depressed again, or need any support, I’m only a letter away.” She then said goodbye to Twilight, and left again.

“Right then, let’s get you sorted, we have SOOOOO much to talk about while I get your clothing” Rarity then practically dragged me out the door.

“Bye” I managed to say to the other five. Things were actually looking up for me before… I thought to myself. I have now nearly died one to many times, ended up in Equestria, I have no idea if I would be able to get back… I don’t know if there would be anything for me if I DID go back. I decided to just follow Rarity for now and try to just get through the day, it’s not like it could get any worse… Could it?

I'm so sorry

Chapter Six, Fezzes and Bow Ties.

There were five measuring tapes all flying around my body, coiling like glowing purple snakes, all recording the measurements they take from all across my body. To say I was just a tad ticked off and embarrassed about these tapes going absolutely everywhere, was like saying that PinkiePie was horribly depressed and needed to get out more.

“Hold still now… No I don’t care… Hold out your arms… Yes I can understand you’re not happy with this, only a little longer now… It has not been forty five minutes… OH GOODNESS IT HAS! I’d better hurry up about it then, now open your legs…” I tried to scream and shout at this, but I had been gagged and tied to a pole with my wrists and ankles strapped together because of my nonstop complaints and pleading for Rarity to stop measuring me, she could barely understand me because all I could manage was muffled murmurs, but she knew what I was saying most of the time.

“MMUUUUURRRRGGGGG!!!” WACHS WIH AW DEH SECHURL INUENGOWSCH!?!?” (Try and pronounce it, you’ll realise what I tried to say.)

She realised she said something else that could be easily misinterpreted to be rather saucy and blushed once more, trying to hide her face behind a fabric. She then realised it was partially see-through which made her blush even more and move to another fabric. By now, in these last two crazy days I had seen more ponies blush than any other creature ever, and there was almost certainly more to come. When she had calmed down a bit she came back out of hiding.

“Right, last three measurements then you’re free to go.” I relaxed and separated my legs slightly. The tape measures wrapped around my thighs, shins and ankles and marked the measurements on themselves. All my bonds then released me simultaneously and I collapsed in a heap on the floor.

“Air!” I yelled “Clean air and free bodily movement!! Praise be!!!” I kissed the ground and then struggled to my feet and shot daggers at Rarity.

“Well, we’re done now, was that really so bad?”

“YES!” I yelled “It was AUFULL!!! Never do that to me again, if you lose those measurements I swear to god, you will never look at the word ‘Pain’ in the same way again, bloody hell!”

She rolled her eyes. “Yes, yes, when you’re quite finished with the dramatics…”

“Oh and you’re the one to talk about dramatics!” I retorted.

“Hmpf, well, it will be worth it, ponies from all over Equestria will look at you with furious jealousy.”

“They’d better, I swear down, if whatever you give me makes me puke, you will never live this down, thank god I don’t have any money to pay you with yet because whoever heard of paying to be TORTURED!?” I ranted like this for a while and was stopped when Rarity ripped off my all my clothing except for my boxers, socks and remaining shoe at the same time.

“JESUS WHAT THE HELL RARITY, ALL THESE DIRTY PUNS AND NOW YOUR STRIPPING ME!?!? WHY NOT JUST RAPE ME ON THE SPOT WHILE YOU’RE AT IT AND TELL THE WHOLE OF EQUESTRIA!? HAVE YOU HEARD OF PERSONAL SPACE WOMAN!?!?!?!?!?”

Rarity was now the shade of the redist, purpleist beetroot in the whole of time.

“Oh my…” She spluttered. I just stared at her for a couple of seconds and used my face to take my anger out on the wall, smashing into it again, and again, and again. I finally calmed down enough to think straight.

“Well, do you or do you not want me to repair your clothing?” She asked. I sighed deeply and nodded my head.

“Here, take this.” I took off my remaining shoe and threw it to her.

“Could you duplicate it for me, but invert the way it points on the other shoe because we humans have slightly curved feet. Also, if you wouldn’t mind, could you make a spare pair, maybe make the second a different colour if you like just for a bit of variation.” My face was still in the wall. I turned to face her. “Sorry for shouting at you like that, honestly I am, it’s just… I’m a bit touchy after recent occurrences, and I feel like I have died and gone to hell nine hundred thousand times over, with a little light torture here and there in-between.”

She came up to me and gave me a hug. It was certainly awkward with me being half naked and all, but I returned it because the hug was heartfelt. “I understand” she said. Of course she could never understand, but it was the thought that counts. “I’m sorry for forgetting your kind prefer to keep their clothes on” She then broke off the hug and went away to sort out my clothing, examining it all in pure fascination.

“I was thinking…” she started again.

“Run for the hills everyone” I muttered. She ignored me.

“Maybe your next set of clothing could be… a bit more… jazzy, more handsome and well-mannered.”

“A suit.” I said simply.

“Yes, only, you’ll need a bow tie and an excellent hat too.” My mind was making a picture of the skeleton detective out of my second favourite series of books “Skulduggery Pleasant” I liked the image of his type of clothing on me, and if I didn’t agree, I would be lynched by her anyway. I decided to describe what Skulduggery wore so I could have it.

“Fine, but the hat is essential, it should be fairly wide brimmed and black. The suit should be black, maybe put some grey pin-stripes on it, I don’t know… Surprise me with the pin-stripes, don’t add them if you like, I don’t mind too much.” I then decided to have some other accessories. “I recon I need a bow tie… It has to be red, and also I need a fez, fezzes are cool. And it goes without saying, the fez is also red, if the fez isn’t red, I will go on a rampage and murder thousands”

She looked horrified at this. “I don’t mean it! It’s just an idle threat, people do it all the time where I come from”

“Oh I don’t care about that, I’m shocked at the fact you want a fez is all. They’re idiotic!”

“Don’t dis fezzes, Tommy Cooper had a fez, as did one of my best friends Hoe Joward. Sure he was a raging psychopath, but the fez suited him, also I’m telling you exactly what I want so I DON’T look like an idiot, I bet that if I wore exactly what you wanted me to, I would only have to step outside this store and be laughed at until everyone died of asphyxiation”

“Care to put your bits where your mouth is?” She asked, I raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t mean to say it like that! You know what I meant, shut up!!!”

“Just make me the damn fez Rarity” I sighed.

I was once with the Hoe Joward I was previously talking about, in a park somewhere in-between my home and his, when a couple of guys came down from the school my girlfriend boarded at and noticed he was wearing a fez. It was red. Red’s a good colour.

“Are you a Jew?” one of them asked him.

He spluttered a bit at this and then said “I’m sorry, what?”

“Are you a Jew? That’s a Jewish hat you’re wearing” We practically shat ourselves at this, I was on the floor almost crying with laughter.

When we could actually breathe again, he wheezed “It’s not Jewish, it’s Moroccan” The two of them still looked puzzled. “Have you ever heard of Tommy Cooper?” I asked them. One of them blinked. Evidently not. “Never mind” I said and they continued on their way.

Two months later we saw them again, only this time they had more people with them, and Hoe still donned his amazing red fez.

“Oh look, it’s the kid with the Jew hat” one said.

“It’s not fucking Jewish!” Hoe screamed “It’s Moroccan!!!” I’ll never forget that moment with the fez, it was absolutely brilliant.

“Are you sure you want a fez?” I nodded. “Of all thingfs, you ask me for a fez.” She facehoofed “What next, a bear costume?” I gave her a sarcastic glance

“Yes Rarity, why not, it will need to be pink though”

“Whatever, If you insist, you shall have a fez” This day may not be an utter failure then if I could get a fez as well as my clothes repaired and a snazzy suit WITH a bowtie and hat. I smiled and then remembered…

My I-POD! I snatched my trousers back quickly to rummage in my pockets, Rarity protested to this but I didn’t care, come on its got to be here somewhere…

“VICTORY!”

pitiful attempt at character interaction

Chapter Seven, Ponyville.

After thanking Rarity for the clothes, I stepped outside in my new pair of blue basketball boots, fixed black jeans, and fixed T-Shirt with the galaxy across it, also wearing my fez and listening to “Join the Heard” by ForestRain with one bud of my earphones in. I had the suit, bow tie, spare pair of Jeans and my new wide brimmed hat and a brand new T-Shirt similar to the one I already had in a bag in my left hand. I hadn’t been happier then I was then in a bloody ages. I felt good, so good I could scream.

This was the first time I could really take in the details of Ponyville properly. It was an amazing mish-mash of every single possible colour and theme all in one, amazing houses and structures, awe inspiring surroundings and a nice community. Of course, I got some funny looks because nopony had ever seen a human before, I noticed one pony was staring at me more than the others, and I looked back at her. Her gaze didn’t falter, people all around the street stopped to look at me looking at her, wondering if something was going to happen.

“What?” I said “I know I’m beautiful, but there’s no need to stare!” All most every one of them laughed at this and the majority of them continued on their way, knowing I couldn’t be dangerous because I was so friendly. Some still stared at me, mostly the younger ones, but you couldn’t blame them and I didn’t mind. I noticed halfway down one of the main avenues a certain minty green unicorn with the image of a harp on her rump. Lyra. Were all those fan-fics about her being obsessed with hands true? I decided to give her a wave on purpose and she practically had an orgasm. I snickered to myself as I continued.

“I guess she really does like hands” I said to myself. As I continued on my way, and then I spotted another amazing minor character. Dr Whooves.

“Oh, hello!” he said. “You must be DMT, the Human, am I correct?”

“Yes” I replied “And you must be Dr Whooves” He smiled then looked up at my head.

“Oh my god, is that a fez!?!? Where did you get it?”

“Rarity’s place.” I explained. He was ecstatic.

“What else did you get, can I have a look?”

“Knock yourself out buddy” I handed him the bag.

“Oh… My… Gawd…” His eyes were glistening now. “A bow tie… And a suit... As well as a fez… DO YOU KNOW HOW COOL THIS IS!?!?”

It really did look like Christmas had come true for him.

“I know, right?”

“Where is this shop? I MUST KNOW!” I grinned and explained the directions to Rarity’s place and he practically squealed as he ran off.

“MY LIFE IS NOW COMPLETE!!! YEEEEEE-HAAAAAA! I’M COMING BOW TIE!!!” He skidded round a corner running full pelt. A wide smile engulfed his face. I turned around a corner and I saw him walk past me again, this time wearing a marvellous suit jacket, bow tie, and a fez. I was confused by this for a second and remembered, this was Dr. Who in pony form. He was just like his the proper Dr. Who on TV.

“It suits you” I shouted to him and he came over once more.

“I know, right?”

“So that’s the Tardis at work huh? I just sent you off to Rarity’s shop a couple of seconds ago”

“WHAT? BUT… WHAT?” I smiled at him.

“Hey don’t worry man, your secrets safe with me”

“But… but… how?”

“It would take a millennia to explain, not that it would matter to you of course, but I would die” He was hyperventilating now, I didn’t think I would provoke this kind of reaction. “Doctor, it’s ok, really, I only know because there’s a whole TV show based on your human form back where I come from, nopony else knows, its fine, honestly” He sat down on a bench.

“Are you POSOTIVE nopony knows?”

“Yes, don’t worry” We just looked at each other after that, and when he regained his cool, he said.

“Well, since you already know, do you want to see it?” I smiled so hard my face nearly turned inside out, how could my day get any better now?

“I can’t think of anything more thrilling” I replied. He grinned

“Just wait until you get inside”

***

I didn’t go back to Twilights straight away after that, I took some time to look around the area some more. I wished somehow my bike came through with me, I could do and see so much more and have laughs pulling stunts. Oh well, that’s just the way the cookie gets dropped on the floor, utterly obliterated and shat on. I thought, and then continued on my way.

When I got back to Twilights house, there were only around two and a half hours left of sunlight. I sighed and pushed open the door to be jumped on by a purple blur which knocked my fez off.

“WHERE WERE YOU!?!?” A slightly mad and crazy Twilight Sparkle stared down at me with one eye twitching. “DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG YOU’VE BEEN!?!? I’VE BEEN PRACTICALLY RIPPING MY HAIR OUT I WAS SO WORRIED! CELESTIA ONLY JUST PUT YOU IN MY CARE, IF YOU HAD BEEN HURT, OR IF YOU GOT LOST, OR… OR…”

“Jesus Twi, chill! I’m not dead! I’m anything BUT dead, I’m genuinely chuffed today, look!” I eased her off me and showed her my new clothes. “I even found my I-Pod” I showed her it, then realised she had no idea what it was, or what it was for, and put it away.

“Oh goodness DMT, I was so scared, what would Princess Celestia have said if something DID happen, perish the thought!” I raised an eyebrow.

“Nice to know that you’re more concerned about Celestia’s of you than my wellbeing” For the umpteenth time, a blushing pony.

“No, it’s not like that…” I smiled and rubbed her back. She seemed to relax more after this. It seemed physical gestures meant more than words to ponies here.

“Ah, it’s ok, I was only kidding, don’t worry. Have you ponies heard of sarcasm?” She looked at me like I had a wellington boot on my head.

“Of course we have, why wouldn’t we have?”

“Ah, ok. Just checking is all, we have very different worlds.” I bent down and picked up my fez and brushed it off.

“I’m sorry for over reacting a bit DMT” The eyebrow went up again.

“A bit?”

“OK, a lot” Twilight admitted.

“And I’m sorry for being late Twilight”

“It’s alright, just… Try not to do it again ok?”

“Sure…” Awkward silence. “We should probably go inside now Twilight”

“Oh right, of course… what’s with the fez?”

“Fezzes are amazing, don’t dis” We walked inside and I shut the door. Twilight then got to moving some books around and I sat on the couch.

“Is there actually any reason for you to be wearing that” she said in an amused tone.

“Fezzes-Are-Amazing. End of discussion!” Spike then came out of the kitchen and looked at me.

“AW COOL! Where did you get the fez!?” I gave Twilight a grin as he jumped up on the sofa to touch it. “I got it from Rarity, I asked her to make me one”

“Awesome… I gotta get Rarity to give me one of these” he said as he took it and put it on his own head. It was far too big for him.

“Are you sure that’s all you want her to give you?” Twilight giggled.

“Hey, shut up!” He protested “How did you know I like her!?”

“Oh so you DO like her” Twilight laughed harder.

“Wha… Bu… Shut up” He tossed the fez back to me and stuck his tongue out at Twilight, which just finished her off. She was now on the floor convulsing with laughter. A minute later she managed to get a hold of herself.

“Are you quite finished?” I asked.

“Yeah… How did you know about him liking Rarity?” I couldn’t tell her the truth of course.

“Well…” I started “It’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?”

“I suppose, well I’m off to bed now. It’s been a long day”

I yawned. “Yeah, I might have to hit the sack as well” She closed the blinds with her magic and then headed upstairs. I fell asleep pretty easy that night, I had had all my limbs put under strain for a large amount of the day, and I had spent the rest of it walking. I didn’t dream, I just slept and tried to get all the energy I could back. I’d be working tomorrow, no one had actually made any requests for a handyman, but Applejack said there would always be apples that needed bucking, and I said I would help her. I also intended to go for runs on a morning from now on, the ponies never seemed to get chubby around here, but I would if everyone kept thrusting buns, cupcakes, cookies and pies at me. Besides, it would do me the world of good... Apparently.

the boredom eases slightly in favour of cringe

Chapter Eight, Apples, so many Apples…

I woke up in the morning groggy as ever, to the sound of my watch bleeping. I let it continue for a while, and then realised I had to get up. I brought it to my eyes and waited for them to focus properly. 07:30. Good. The alarm system on my watch had a tendency to sound at the complete wrong time, so I had to set it again every night to make sure it did as it was told. I swung my legs out over the sofa, and stretched them. Arms next, I then cracked my knuckles, neck and rubbed my back. I stood up, stretched again, and went to the kitchen. Hmm, getting low on supplies I thought. I reckon I’ll go shopping today when I’m done helping Applejack. I grabbed a piece of fruit that would go off in a couple of days so as to make the rest of the stock last, and went out the door.

Jogging, why not? I pondered, and started of slow at first because I had only just awoke, but I quickly got to a reasonable pace, taking in all my surroundings. Ponyville really was a place of wonder, not just because of the citizens but it looked amazing, sure it was an incredibly girly colour scheme, but what do you expect from a TV show that was aimed at young girls.

It was dead this time of the morning, but in half an hour, shops would start to open, ponies would come outside to do their jobs, and by nine o’clock, everypony would be up and ready for what the day threw at them. I liked going about places early in the morning when no one in the area is up, but the sun is out, it’s like it would be in the middle of the day, but without the bustling population, this way you could really appreciate the area.

I didn’t know where I was going, but I had always had a decent sense of direction and I knew how to get back. At just eight, I could remember the way to Newcastle by car, and recognise random areas from my childhood. I would pick a new direction each day, or alter where I go if I head in the same direction as I had previously, building up a mental map of the area.

Soon it was ten to, and I made my way back. I hadn’t been out long, but I was going to need to be at Sweet Apple Acres by quarter past. When I got back, I washed my face and looked at myself in the mirror. I had seen better days, that was for sure, and I was starting to get a tache and thicker cheek and neck hair again. It was inevitable, I didn’t have a razor here, I needed some knives and a machete. Machetes are useful, I can make wooden objects with machetes, and it might be useful to have a club or something for the apple trees, but I’ll have to shake and kick the trees for now. Unless they sell razors in Ponyville, I had no idea. I just had to put up with it for now.

Twilight must still be in bed I thought. Spike was in his basket murmuring romantics about Rarity when I came back downstairs, and all the blinds were still down. I looked for my fez, but I realised I took it off and left it in the bathroom. I didn’t want to go back up and run the risk of waking her, so I decided to leave it. I thought of leaving a note, but then I realised She knows where I’m going, so I’ll just leave. And I did.

When I got to Sweet Apple Acres, I was greeted by an energetic Applejack. Although, when is she anything but energetic? I thought.

“Hiya Applejack” I smiled.

“Howdy” She smiled back. “How y’all doing?”

“Ah, I’m ok I suppose”

“Hows Twi?”

“Fine I expect, she was still sleeping when I left, so I didn’t want to wake her”

“Ah fair enough, well, these apples sure ain’t gonna buck themselves, let’s get to it” She leads me to the first field as she talks a bit about her family and Sweet Apple Acres’ history amongst other stuff.

When we got there I was gobsmacked. So many apples, so little time. There must have been hundreds, no, thousands of apple trees. I gave an impressed whistle. The sheer amount of them was almost impossible.

“And you have to do this? All by yourself? As well as saving the world and still finding time for friends and family? Bloody hell, your some pony!”

She rubbed the back of her neck. “Well… Big Mac helps ‘N’ all, but…”

“But nothing, hell I wouldn’t be able to do it all in time! This is a redicules amount of apples, if they didn’t rot, this lot alone would feed Ponyville for years!”

“Well, like I say, since y’all realise how few ponies we got here helping us, we’d better get a move on!”

She moves to the first tree and bucks it. Apples rain from the sky. I move to the one next to it and give it rap with my knuckles. Applejack stops to watch me and see what I do. I then give it a shake full of vigour and I get the exact same outcome. She went off to find another tree, but I saw her poking her head out from behind it to watch me take another. The next tree I picked was a hell of a lot bigger, so I had to kick it. That didn’t work. I give it a bigger, solid kick with my heel. No luck. Applejack sniggers and I ignore her. I turn around take ten steps away from it, stop, turn around again, sprint full pelt and then gave it the hardest two footed kick I could in the thick of the trunk. I fell down of course because I, unlike Applejack, don’t have four legs. Reluctantly, the tree gave up its fruit. There must have been eighty apples from this one tree alone, all thunking into the buckets and she watched in awe as they all tumbled down. She looked at me with her mouth open.

“Mighty mother me, I’ve never been able to buck that tree myself it’s so big, I have to get Big Mac to do all them big un’s, and even then it takes him three or four of the strongest bucks he can muster and y’all only needed one!”

I took off my invisible hat to her, and then one last apple fell down and landed on my head as if to say “And another thing…” She started to laugh again and I picked myself off the ground to continue beating up trees.

Four and a quarter hours later, it was half past twelve and my stomach rumbled at me.

“Heh, looks like somepony’s complaining!” Then hers rumbled too as if on purposely trying to show her up. I raised an eyebrow and she looked sideways at her belly.

“That it does” I reply. “We’d better grab something to eat” We wandered off back to the barn.

“Thanks for helpin’ me out DMT”

“Ah, it’s alright, I need to have something to do each day or I’ll end up going stir crazy and being depressed again. I’m quite happy to come and help you out anytime I’m not already busy”

“That’d be dandy, but if y’all do get depressed, don’t keep it down deep inside, come ‘N’ see any six of us, I’m sure not of us will mind”

“Don’t worry, you’ll be able to tell if I’m depressed or unhappy, I’ve never been any good at hiding these things unless I have no current alternative and have to put it aside for the good of someone in danger or situations similar to that”

“Well, all the same… Here’s ten bits and a little sack of apples for your troubles, now y’all go and get something to eat, I’m gonna do the same”

“Are the apples going to be ok out there?”

“Ah don’t worry about them, Big Macs gonna collect all the buckets on the cart later”

“Alright then, bye now” I gave her a cheery wave and headed off.

“See y’all” she shouted back.

Lunch… I pondered. What am I going to have for lunch? I didn’t really know anywhere I could go to eat something more… Human.
I’ve only had fruit all the time I’ve been here, I need more variation in my diet or I’m gonna go mental. I walked past a river on the way back and stopped. I looked into it and spotted several silvery things swimming around. Now that’s an idea! Fish! …Unless they’re also sentient beings of course, I don’t want to go and get myself arrested for murder. Even the bloody cows here had opinions on the weather and economy, so they might be. If I can’t have a steak, fish is the next best thing. The thought of meat pleased me, so I quickened my pace and changed directions heading to (LOCAL BLACKSMITH / GUY WHO COULD SELL A MACHETE). “You’d better look out you bastard fish! You’re not safe anymore!”

rambo wannabe gets hit, eats fish

Chapter Nine, Books and Fish.

When I got back I dumped two new fish and my sack of apples in the kitchen, all except for one which I placed on the table. I took my brand new blade out of its sheath and slashed it clean in half. It wasn’t a massive machete, but it was big enough. I still owed (BLACKSMITH) another two bits for it, but he/she said he/she trusted me since I was a friend of the mane six. I chuckled to myself as I went upstairs with a smile on my face to find Twilight and see how she was. I could hear her as I was coming up the stairs.

“No… no… no… WHERE IS IT!?” As I opened the study door I had to duck to avoid a book.

“What the...?” I was cut off by a second book that did hit me. I saw stars and fell to the floor.

“Oh my goodness! What have I done! Are you ok?”

“What the fuck is your problem universe?” I groaned. Twilight rushed over to me.

“Ohmygodohmygodohmygod I am so sorry!” Twilight was by my side trying to prop me up against a wall.

The book had hit me square in the head which bloody hurt, but don’t get me wrong, but it could have been worse. “Yeah, I’m alright Twilight, calm down”

“No you’re not, your bleeding!” I put a hand to my forehead. It had a hot and sticky fluid trailing down it. She was right, I was bleeding.

“Fuck me blue, what do you make books out of around here? Concrete!?”

“Oh goodness, I’ll be right back” she ran off downstairs to find something and came back with a damp cloth, she tried to put it to my forehead but I took it off her

“I got this” I said and put there myself.

She was biting her lip now, surely it couldn’t be that bad. I took the cloth away and looked at it. Ah… Apparently it could. The cloth was drenched in blood.

Spike then opened the door which smacked me on the back of the head. “What happened?” he asked and then saw me on the floor unconscious again with blood pooling around me. “Oh…”

Spike went off and brought Nurse heart back with him.

“Well” Nurse Heart began as she finished tying off the bandage “It should be healed in a couple of days due to Twilights magic and my medical skills, but you’d better keep the bandage on until then just in case, and I would recommend you stay in for the rest of today” I mumbled an understanding and she turned to twilight “And you, out to be more careful where you throw your books”

“I know, I know, I was trying to find a certain one and in my frustration I started chucking them about”

“Yes well, try not to do that from now on, especially to a guy with a machete” The nurse then looked down at me and gave a wink. “Thanks for getting me spike, if she does it again, give me a call”

“Yes ma’am” Spike then gave a daft salute and Nurse Heart left.

Twilight looked at me and I looked back at her.

“Thanks for that” I said.

Don’t be like that, I could have really hurt you! What if I hit you in the eye!?”

“Well, I was more worried about somewhere else, but that would have been pretty bad as well…”

“Don’t joke about this DMT” She said disapprovingly.

“Oh come on Twi, I’m only trying to lighten up the mood” I got up and pulled her into a hug “Am I dead?”

“No” she sniffed

“Well then, you obviously didn’t try hard enough” She chuckled slightly into my shoulder. “Now then, I’ve got a sack of apples and a couple of fish through there, you hungry?” She nodded and I let her go.

I had got to gutting, de-boning and frying the fish while Twilight chopped up some apples and put them in a salad of sorts with some pomegranate and she separated the salad onto two plates. I placed half of the diced and fried fish onto mine and the stopped for a second.

“You sure you don’t want any of this?” She shook her head. I kept the same position. Three… two… one…

“Well, actually now I think about it…” There we go. “…I might try a bit, just for educational purposes, to see what it’s like. I mean, it’s not like its alive anymore, and it doesn’t look like a fish anymore… And it’s not like it was another pony… I might even be able to include it in one of my letters to Princess Celestia”

I put a bit of it in front of her nose and she gave it a sniff, a curious nibble and then gobbled it up. “That’s surprisingly nice! I might have some then” I poured the rest of the fish onto her plate and she began eating it before I even got to sit down. I smiled at her as she ploughed her way through the food.

“Just wait till I get some dressings on the roll” I say “Do you sell salad dressings in Ponyville?”

“I believe so, I never really go into spice and food shops much, but I’m sure somepony around here sells them” I nodded and then set about eating my food… no knife or fork, of course there wasn’t. I took out my machete and used that to spear food and put it into my mouth. I would have to design some of those as well. It’s amazing how much you miss some simple everyday objects when they’re not there. Like a bed. A razor. A bike. I especially missed that last one. I could go everywhere with my bike before, Pinkie had a tricycle in one of the episodes I’d seen, but things like that were stupid and far too small for me.

After we were done I challenged Twilight to a game of chess. The pieces were different, but the game was basically the same. She beat me of course, but it was a good game and I did quite well. We had another game, and another, and another until we realised it was quite late. We finished and went to bed after nine games. (Seven to her and two to me.) We said our goodnights and hopped off. I was going to check the notice boards tomorrow to see if anyone wanted my help with anything yet. It was doubtful, but there might be something there now.

This is getting really uncomfortably weird now

Chapter Ten, Lyra.

“Almost… There… GOT IT!” I pulled my fist out of the sink covered in grime and full of hair. I dumped it in the bucket I had brought with me and then replaced the grill that covered the top of the pipe at the bottom of the sink.

“Great, my hooves are just too big and clumsy for that, but your hands are just perfect” Lyra purred.

“Erm… Thanks I guess… Any other odd jobs I can help you with before I go?” Lyra had been acting like this all day, she more liked my hands, she was obsessed with them. I had tried to ignore her tones when she talked to me, and just get the job done, but I was sweating like crazy now, and it wasn’t the manual labour that was doing it.

“Actually, the shower head has been leaking from the side, we tried to mend it by screwing it further on, but like I say, big clumsy hooves.”

“Have you tried putting duct tape or something over the gap?” I suggested.

“Yes, it works for a day or two, then I just drops off, but I think you’re the man for the job” She fluttered he eyelids. Oh god, I don’t think I can take much more.

“Well I’d better see to that then” I said and scurried off towards the downstairs bathroom taking the steps two at a time. Bonbon was at the table downstairs reading something.

“She hasn’t tried anything yet, has she?” Bonbon asks frowning.

“No, thank heavens, but she’s being incredibly suggestive though, I don’t know how much longer I’ll last before I run out the door screaming” She laughed at this.

“She wants me to do the bloody shower now, surely she’s running out of reasons to keep me here…” I looked back through into the other room and the stairs, making sure she wasn’t hiding and trying to listen to us.

“I don’t know, I think she’s actually resorted to sabotaging everything in the house so you can come back and fix it” Bonbon put down her book at the sound of Lyra coming downstairs singing and humming.

“I’ll try and hold her up for you DMT, go and fix the shower” I was so glad I nearly hugged her.

“You’re a life saver Bonbon! Ten seconds would be a blessing, honestly, if you can holder her for thirty, I won’t charge you for all the repairs I’ve been doing”

She laughed at this. “She can’t be that bad” I look at her.

“You have no idea, be thankful she doesn’t dig mares as well” Bonbon blushed at this.

“Yes… well…” She muttered. My brain went into overdrive, surely not… Lyra and Bonbon..? Shut up brain, I don’t want to know and I don’t care, don’t even think about it.

“Oh god, here she comes” I ran into the bathroom and threw back the shower curtain. The shower head had a clearly visible gap down the side where the nozzle should cover. I unscrewed it to inspect it for damage, there was none, it had been screwed on at an awkward angle so the grooves cross threaded. I hastily tried to screw it back on but it kept popping off “Oh Jesus, come on, come on… JUST DO YOUR FUCKING JOB YOU STUPID DAMNED PIECE OF PLASTIC!” I managed to ram it on but it had cross threaded in the same way it had done before I took it off. “Oh no, nononononononooooooooo!” I quickly unscrewed it again and then I heard the door to the bathroom open. FUCK! Too late, she’s here now.

“Oh DMTTTTTT~, could you give me your opinion on this dress please?” Oh god, this is it, I’m going to have a heart attack. I turned to look at her and my jaw dropped open. She was in an extremely provocative stance, and she was indeed wearing a dress. It was a sparkly cyan dress made of high quality sequins. Its skirt stopped just half a centimetre before what was usually acceptable in a way that showed off her curves and flank perfectly. “Good gravy…” was all I could manage.

“So you like it huh? What do you really think of it?” My heart was pounding so hard and fast I was surprised it wasn’t audible.

“Erm… ahem… It suits you! But, but maybe you should talk to Bonbon about it… She’s a girl, and I expect she knows a lot more about dresses than I do, or maybe even go and talk to Rarity about it, she only lives a few streets away, then I would have plenty of time to finish this while you talk it over” Nice one DMT.

“Ah, well Bonbon doesn’t share the same fashion sense as me, and I’m far too tired to go all the way to Rarity’s right now… I’m sure you must have a proper opinion of how it looks on me... Do you want to feel it?” That was the final straw. Last resort: Compliment her and run the risk of being smothered in kisses.

“Oh, erm no, I couldn’t, I have mucky grimy hands. But yeah, it’s lovely, it uh… Makes you look even cuter…” Quick, try get her to go and find something else to wear as well as that so you’ve got more time. “I know, maybe if you wear a um… Hat? Or some socks, or shoes or something it would look even…” Break out the big word DMT, it will get her to go get some socks or something, it will give you enough time to fix the shower “…Sex-eh-er…” Oh god, I did it, now PLEASE go and get something, don’t kiss me, don’t do anything but get the damn clothes.

“Hmm, it might work, I’ll be right back!” She said in a sing-song voice THANK CELESTIA!!!

“Ok, I’ll just sort out this shower then…” WORK DMT, WORK FASTER THAT YOU HAVE EVER WORKED BEFORE! I started to screw it on again.

Come on, come on… Try and be accurate DMT, just three more twists, two… One… BINGO!

I took some duct tape off my belt that had various tools strapped onto it, some were custom made by me, some I had bought, like my adjustable wrench, a few screwdrivers and a few spanners. I wrapped the tape around the shower head and nozzle in a way that I would find difficult myself to take off, and a pony would find damned impossible. Unless they were a unicorn… Like Lyra was… Shit… Oh well, the showers fixed, NOW BAIL OUT! I ran out of the bathroom only to collide with a certain minty-green hand addict.

“Oh, are you done? My my, you are a master when it comes to this, you fingers really are useful… I wonder what else they’d be good at…”
OH MOTHER OF GOD, HAVE MERCY ONE ME!!!

“Well, now you can pay full attention to me” My insides were melting now, she had put on two amazing pairs of electric blue shoes that complemented every aspect of her appearance, and had now also had a rose in her muzzle and was waggling her eyebrows around. There was only one word that would accurately describe her appearance and do it justice. Kinky.

God damn it Lyra, why can’t you leave me be!

“Oh my god, er… you look stunning! But honestly, I have to go now, duty calls, lights to mend, more sinks to unblock, drinks to be drunk and all that. I also think I uh… Left my fridge on fire?” Wow… Smooth…

“Well, I’m sure it can wait just one minute while I go and get your payment and put something else on, maybe something that shows off a bit more leg…”

Deep breaths DMT, you can last a minute while she gets the money.

“Ok, I’ll just wait here then” She trotted off, swaying her hips as she went. I tried to tear my eyes away but alas, I could not. She finally disappeared from view and I fell to the floor taking in as much air as I could. I attempted to relax for a moment, try to get my cool back then…

“Oh dear…” she called down the stairs “DMT, I appear to have got myself all tangled up, could you be as sweet as to help me take my dress off?”

I had never sprinted so fast in my whole life. I left a note on the table saying there was an emergency about a bursting pipe and that she could pay me later. I ran and ran and ran, all the way back to Twilights. I opened the front door and fell forwards onto my face. A familiar purple hoof appeared next to my head.

“Bad day huh?” Twilights voice sounded.

“You have no idea…” I then seemed to drift off the floor and I started to emanate a purple glow. I looked at Twilight and her horn was acting in a similar way. She must be levitating me I thought. It felt weird and tingly, like a pleasant version of pins and needles. I didn’t complain, I just hung there limply and she dumped me down in a chair at the kitchen table I had modified. I had added a back rest to it and fixed a cushion to the seat so I could be more comfortable. She popped a cup of tea in front of me and sat down as well.

“Aren’t you going to tell me about it then?”

I sighed “Lyra” Is all I could say. It’s all I needed to, Twilight knew how she acted around me.

“Ah…”

“Bonbon left a notice at the town hall saying there were a few things that needed fixing and that Lyra would be away for the day so I could do my job without her hitting on me…”

“Go on…”

“It turns out Lyra WASN’T busy that day after all, and she started to get very intimate, even more than usual… She started wearing dresses and shoes in front of me, quite reviling dresses I might add… HOW THE HELL DO PONIES MANAGE LOOK SEXIER WHEN THEY PUT CLOTHES ON?”

Twilight began to giggle.

“She even had a rose in between her teeth, she was swaying her hips! She was suggesting that I should use my fingers for something other than fixing stuff, I mean, I just can’t take it! She’s too forward! I don’t know whether I want a relationship either with anyone at all at the moment, I mean I DREAD to think of what she’s like when she’s in heat, she’d probably strap me to a bed and not let me go until one of us die!”

Twilight seemed to find this conversation incredibly amusing and started to snigger even louder.

“Is she like this with everypony?”

“No, she’s not like that… However it does seem she has certain feelings for you… Maybe you SHOULD spend more time with her, see where it leads. You may well really come to love her” What she was saying made sense, but all the same… Could I do it? Could I actually attempt a relationship with a pony?

“I just can’t handle aggressive women, I just… melt. Sure pretty, in fact she’s more than just pretty, but I don’t know if I could actually go out with her and NOT have a heart attack. And like I say, I still don’t know if I would want to in the first place” Twilight sighed as well and rested her hoof on my arm.

“Well, to be honest I’m not the pony to be giving romantic advice, Rarity seems to be good at that kind of thing…”

“Not Rarity, anyone but Rarity, she’s follow us around trying to make everything perfect and end up doing the opposite…”

“Well, you may have no choice but to ask her, who else can you ask?”

“Bonbon?”

“Hmm… That’s an idea, you could always try her I suppose, see what Lyra like to do, where she likes to eat…”

“Yeah well, I’m gonna get a bath and a shave and see what happens after that… Thanks Twi for, y’know, talking to me…”

“Don’t worry about it” She insisted. I sighed again, finished my tea and headed upstairs. My brain was still thinking about Lyra, no matter how hard I tried all my thoughts came back to her. I went into the bathroom and locked the door. Time for some well-earned relaxation. I thought, and started to run the bath.

Not much longer left now

Chapter Eleven, Not all Scars are Visible.

I got out my razor blade as the bath continued to run and looked in the mirror. There was a scar across my forehead now, it was a good looking scar. It was shaped like a claw or blade had scrapped its way across my head. Twilight and I agreed not to speak of how I actually got it, and I decided it would be an idea to say I got it from defending her from a strange creature that she had been talking about, that way it made me look epic, and it didn’t make her look like a prat. Lyra also liked the scar, she said it made me look like a warrior. It wasn’t the only scar I had though, there was a massive one on the underside of my right thigh, and two small ones on the back of my hand. I had no idea how I had got any of them, but they were there and just recently I had given myself another, just on the bottom left hand side of my chin from shaving with my knife. I was much more adept at it now though, and barley cut myself. I splashed my face with hot water to open up my pores, and started to shave away the stubble. I left the hair on the underside of my chin though, I quite liked it, so did Lyra. Now I think about it, is there anything Lyra doesn’t like about me? I tried to forget about her. I was conflicted in my thoughts. I still had Joanne back home… Joanne… Home…

It was obvious I wasn’t going to go back home to me now though, I didn’t want to either. Ponyville was my home now. It had been over two and a half months since that fateful day. If I did somehow get back to earth, I would be in the air falling to my doom again. My parents and brother were obviously dead, there was no way a single person could have survived that. And even if I got back and DID survive, where would I stay? Joanne boarded at Filing Hall school, I couldn’t stay there, if I was to still stay at Robbin Hoods Bay I would have to stay with my Granddad or go live with my Uncle and Aunt. I wouldn’t know if any of them would be able to look after me properly, my Uncle didn’t have the room, and my Granddad didn’t really have the money or energy. Things would never be the same on earth, no matter how hard I tried, I would always be sad there.

I still didn’t really want to go out with Lyra because I still wanted to be with Joanne, it felt like I would still be cheating. However, Lyra really did like me, but probably as more as a sex object rather than someone to have a proper relationship with. However… Teenage boys are teenage boys… Should I? Oh god that’s a weird thought, she’s a god damn pony DMT, shut up. But I would be with these ponies for the rest of my life. Fucking hormones, I’m almost always surrounded by females, and a few of them seem to be more than just friendly towards me, I don’t really want to be single forever.

Around ten thousand more thoughts like these, all fighting with each other went around my head until I couldn’t take anymore. I just forgot everything, wiped my mind of all thoughts, finished my shave, and sank down into the bath.

“Ahhhhhhhh… Bliss… Peace… It’s just me and the water…” I just sank deeper, and deeper, and deeper. I wonder if I should go and talk to Rarity about Lyra … Stop thinking DMT. What if… Stop thinking DMT. How about… Stop thinking for Christ’s sake. But…

“GOD DAMN IT BRAIN! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!” I shouted aloud. I just couldn’t relax, there was nothing I could do to, it was like chasing your shadow. I ended up just scrubbing myself down, washing my hair and getting out. I just couldn’t sit there, I needed something to do. I was angry, sad, depressed, I wanted to unleash over a year’s worth of fury into something, beat it until it had been turned into dust, and then beat it some more. I got out of the bath and pulled out the plug, I dried off with a towel that Twilight never used and didn’t want, I had claimed it for my own. It was frayed at the edges and it was a sort of redy, pink colour. It was my new, old, trusty towel. I smiled at the coincidence and my mind wandered to that day when I was truly happy and still on my home planet while I pulled on my clothes. It had been a good day.

I joked with my brother, spent a little time with mum and dad, some time with Joanne and sparky. I now shed a few tears, from happiness and sadness. That day… I would never get one like it again, but at least it was a well spent last day on earth. I decided I’d better wipe my face before I went out the bathroom, and did so. I went downstairs and decided to get dinner on a roll. I reckoned I would do mine and Twilights favourite tonight. Fried and diced fish in an apple salad.

The next morning I grabbed an apple and then went off out the door. Twilight had left to help Fluttershy with Angel an hour ago, I had decided to help Spike tidy up her mess when she left, but he said that he could manage the rest himself. Today was one of my days off I took every now and then, and I decided it would be a good idea to go and see Rarity. I had a hole in one of my shoes that needed fixing, and I wanted a punch bag, and who knows? She might actually have some good advice. I was wearing my epic wide brimmed hat and a large Russian looking raincoat there had been a wet and windy day scheduled today. I trudged my way through the dreary weather until I reached my destination. I opened the door and was greeted by three sewing needles in my face. It took my brain a while to register the pain and when it did, it provoked this reaction.

“FFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU”

“Holy horseapples, are you ok?” Rarity had realised what she just used as a pincushion.

“God damn Rarity, is today ‘National torture the bloody human’ holiday or something?” I removed a needle slowly and carefully from my left cheek.

“It’s not a holiday if it’s everyday DMT”

“AAAHHHHWWOWOWOWOWOW” Rarity had tactlessly plucked out the other two with her magic. “JEEEEESSUUUSS”

“At least they’re not full sized needles” she offered.

“Shut up” I offered back

“Well then, to what to I owe the pleasure?” She asked as if she didn’t care about the pain she had just inflicted on me.

“Oh you know, I just thought I would stop by for a bit of torture and verbal abuse, as you do” I said still rubbing my face.

“I see your razor sharp wit is at its prime as always”

“Glad you noticed, now, this shoe has a large hole in it…” I plonked it down on the counter. “And I would like you to make me a punch bag” she examined the shoe. The sole was peeling off the bottom revealing a spot where the water had been getting in.

“A punch bag you say, interesting. Do you have any particular colour or fabric in mind?” I looked at her.

“It’s a punch bag Rarity, I plan on beating the shit out of it”

“Do you have anything in mind?” She repeated.

“It’s not going to be a mantelpiece ornament, just throw something reasonably hard-warring together and I’ll take it”

“Ok then, I’ll have this shoe done in two minutes but the punch bag will take twenty minutes or so”

“That’s fine, I’ll just sit down and wait. I’ve got my I-pod” I gave her a nod and she went off to make and fix my orders. While she was gone, I listened to some of my favourite ponystep songs. I listened to Breaking Bonds by AcusticBrony, Prince Whatever, DJ MHM and I Bring Da LULZ, I listened to Hush club mix by Archie and TheLivingTombstone, and I listened to Bittersweet by Aviators.

Eventually Rarity came back with my shoe and the empty punch bag, and I started to think of what I would really, really like to hit.

“I just had a great idea” I told her. “Could you stich some writing onto that punch bag for me?”

“Of course, what would you like me to stich onto it?”

Three minutes later, the punch bag now had the words:
God
Satan
Life
The Universe
Everything
Hitler
And the name of a kid that had gone to almost all of my schools that I hated an unbelievable amount: Jadir Konturk, all written across different parts of it for the obvious reason, that those were the things I would really, really like to hit.

“Is this ok?” I looked at the bag. It was black and the text on it was blue.

“Ok that’s perfect… Rarity, can I ask you something?”

“Why not, I can’t guarantee you’ll survive to hear the answer though”

“Deal”

“Ask me the question DMT”

“Well…” I rubbed the back of my neck “There’s this pony you see…”
She raised her eyebrow. “There’s this pony that really likes me but I don’t know what to do”

“I would give it a go if I was you, it might take the edge off all the um… God, satan, life, the universe, everything, Hitler and Kadir Jonturk” She read off the punchbag.

“Well it’s more complicated than that, she’s obsessed with me, and she acts really sexually around me and… Well… I can’t really handle aggressive women” Her eyebrow went higher.

“So you’re scared of her?”

“No! I’m just cautious, I’m not really in a good way at the moment, and I wouldn’t want it to affect her. And she’s so crazy about me, if something happened to me or if we broke up, she’d probably do something really stupid”

“She might do it if you don’t pay any attention to her though”

“I never thought about it like that… So is that it? No ‘Oh it’s all got to be perfect, I must control everything?’ Rarity following me around?”

“Nope, I only did that a few times I ended up making things go horribly wrong”

“At least you finally noticed then”

“Yes well… I’ll have the punch bag delivered to Twilights filled up and ready tomorrow”

“Ah yes, what do you want for the shoe and the punch bag then?” I asked.

“Nothing” she replied.

“Wut?”

“Nothing”

“Why?” I looked at her questioningly.

“I stabbed you in the face when you came in, take it as an apology of sorts”

“I would accept that reason for the shoe, but not the punch bag, how many bits do you want”

“I don’t want any, I told you. Can you remember which element I am the bearer of?”

“Bankruptcy?” I asked.

“Har har”

“Rarity, I don’t like getting free stuff off everypony, it feels wrong, why should everyone else have to pay for all their stuff and I get it for free? I can afford it so I should pay for it”

“Fine” she sighed “Waste your money, the bag will be 7 bits” I gave her eight.

“Have a tip” I said, and turned around to walk back outside.

“Bye then” She said. “Oh, and I’ll tell Lyra your thinking about her” My brain melted.

“What did you say?” I asked in disbelief.

“I said I’ll tell Lyra your thinking about her”

A familiar figure went past the window outside. I looked at rarity and she looked at me. “Don’t, PLEASE!”

“LYYYYYYYYYYYRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” She called.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

The Final Piece. It's Over.

Chapter Eleven, Vinyl and Pinkie.

After that terrible audial, I went to Octavia and Vinyl Scratch’s house. As I opened the door, I was met by a face-tearing noise. My eardrums pulsated with each beat and my brain was bouncing around merrily.

“Holy shit, what is that noise?” I mouthed, but the synthetic sounds cancelled out mine and went down my throat to jiggle up my insides. I stumbled up to Vinyl’s mixing deck with my hands clasped over my ears and tapped her on the shoulder. This was the first time I could have used the word ‘Jumped’ and be accurate. She shot into the air and then fell back down again, knocking over an amp.

Cartoon physics, what else? I think to myself as she turns down the speakers and stops her records from spinning.

“Sup”

“Hey Vinyl, nice beat”

“Thanks dude…” Awkward silence.

“Shall we get to it?” I ask, pulling out my I-pod and pointing at the various instruments in the corner.

“Sure thing man” This was the eighth time I had been to Vinyl’s house to jam with her and share my music. I plugged it in to the makeshift dock and she scrolled through the menu of delicious ponystep. After a minuets consideration, she finally chose RainbowNukestep.

“Why am I not surprised? You pick the one that’s nothing BUT dubstep?”

“It’s a good number” She protested

“That it is, that it is.” I wander off to the corner and pick up the large red and green electric guitar and reminded myself of the familiar chords and patterns I knew and loved. She went off back to her mixing deck to alter RainbowNukestep and generally mess around with it.

After she was done, I picked ‘My Iron Lung’ by Radiohead and “Wish you were here” By Pink Floyd, just to have a laugh. She liked Radiohead and Pink Floyd, but still preferred her own remixes of the songs I had. I would sing and play lead guitar to them all, and she would make up her own beat and add other instruments to it. It was an ecstatic moment every time, we both loved the music, and we would just let it take us to another world. We would go on like this for hours. She picks a song, I would pick one, then her again, then me, until there was nothing else to play.

We would then work on our own songs, I would write a few lyrics, pick up an acoustic guitar and come up with riffs that suited the mood of the lyrics, and she would tinker with her computer and her records, trying to get as many obscene noises as possible in the mix. So far, we had come up with thirty seven songs, some of them were just rock, some of them just dubstep, some rap and classical as well when Octavia wanted to join in. When she was involved in a song, she would play a beautifully moving piece of cello or piano, and then Vinyl would add a beat, getting faster and faster and then out of the blue, a giant ass guitar solo would appear turning it into heavy metal, or a bass drop throwing it into mind melting dubstep. They both had some suspicions that some of the songs were bout them and other ponies in Ponyville, and when they asked who they were actually about I just gave the same answer each time.

“Where I come from, anything’s possible. Sometimes things just don’t make sense. How do you think I got here? How long is a piece of string? How big is the universe? And is there a fixed path for us all, or is it just a jungle of possibilities? No one knows, and if they did, they would probably go insane” After a while they just came to accept that fact, and continued with the music. When it was all done, we would just chill, the three of us, musicians just talking about ideas for new songs, showing off what we could do and chatting about life. We would go on like this until it was quite late, and then we would exchange goodnights, and I would go back to Twilights. At the end, we would always choose to do Bittersweet by Aviators. It was our favourite because we could all do something we enjoyed in it. Vinyl could have her synthetic noises and the beat, Octavia could play on the electric organ even if it was only a little piece, I could sing and play the acoustic guitar and it would sound great, it would bring memory’s flooding back for all of us. When I was back on Earth, I would listen to this track all the time, and just think. I let my mind wander around, I would just let the mood of the song choose what I did next. I had always really appreciated music, sometimes because it sounded amazing, and sometimes, because the lyrics really meant something deep down inside. We had to cut it short that night, because Vinyl had to go to a club and bust some ear-drums. I would have gone, but I was feeling especially shitty that night, so when she left, I did.

When I got back to Twilights I went straight to my sofa to try and get some kip. I’ll go fishing in the morning. I thought. I can deal with fishing. And eventually I got to sleep. I had a dream again. That one dream. All I can ever remember is falling out of the plane again and that hand. That weird hand would retract into the cloud with a laugh. It stuck with me, that one moment. Nothing else from the whole experience really stayed on my mind but that one small moment of confusion. After that, I would only see myself falling back first, towards the earth and the plane being shredded. As soon as I turned around to face the Earth and lose my baseball boot, I would wake up. Surely it had been a delusion I thought over and over. I HAD been falling to my death. Who wouldn’t have gone a bit crazy in that situation? But each time I said it, it just became even more unconvincing. I tried to forget it all, but it was impossible. There was no escape. I just had to put up with it, and get what sleep I could.

The next morning I awoke to Spike’s snoring once more, and I popped a gem in his mouth to suck on so he would be quiet. It worked for a while, but then he would realise what it was, and eat it. I grabbed my makeshift fishing rod, a bucket of worms and a large knife, and set off outside, out into the wild, wide outdoors and walked for around three quarters of an hour until I came to my regular spot, just off the outskirts of the Everfree Forest, near an old abandoned house with a small post-box. I sat down next to it, threaded a worm onto the hook, and flicked the rod, throwing the bait into the middle of the river singing all the while.

“Nobody knows, the trouble I’ve seen…” I began to sing, but then I got a tug on the rod. A bite! I started to reel it in and then sing the next line of the song, but a familiar pink something-or-other popped out of the post-box.

“HIYA PAL!”

“AAAAHHHHHHHgurglegurglegurgle” I had fallen into the water. I was pulled out by the pink figure and I watched as my fishing rod was washed away. I collapsed onto the bank hacking and coughing, lying on my back.

“OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!?!?!?” I looked up at a panicking PinkiePie.

“Pinkie… I’m ok” I muttered weakly.

“Oh, that’s right! PUMP HARD AND FAST!!!” She then jumped on top of me slamming her forehooves into my chest.

“Fuck-ing-hell-pink-ie-I’m-fine-quit-it!!!” I said, a syllable escaping my lips with each thrust of her hooves. She stopped.

“Now, the kiss of life”

“Wait, what? NO! PINKIE, NO! I’M hurglemufflenurr” She had put her mouth over mine and was forcefully breathing air into me and sucking it out again. I managed to roll to the side, pushing her off me.

“FUCKING HELL PINKIE, ITS OK, I’M ALIVE, STOP KISSING ME!!!!” I wiped my mouth and the rest of my face as well, just for good measures.

“YAY! I SAVED YOU! Oh, I’m such a good friend. Maybe I should become a doctor. OOOO THAT’S LIKE A GOOD IDEA! I could make healing cakes, and cookies that get rid of colds, and…”

“PINKIE, SHUT THE HELL UP, CALM DOWN!”

“OOOOOOOOO I’m gonna be the best doctor EVER!”

“Pinkie”

“Hello, Dr. Pinkie here, how may I assist you?”

“PINKIE!”

“WHAT?”

“WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT! I WASN’T OUT COLD!!! YOU DIDN’T NEED TO DO THAT!”

“Better safe than sorry” She stated. I just sighed and looked at her. It’s just PinkiePie being PinkiePie. I told myself. Calm down. I then looked at the river.

“My god damn fishing rods gone now… I had a fish hooked as well. Bollocks.” I kicked a rock into the frothing brew below.

“You call that a fishing rod? Pffft, here have this one, I’ve got like, a million” She then pulled out a fully sized fishing rod from the post-box. I looked into it. It was just a normal sized post-box.

“Um… Are you sure?”

“Sure I’m sure” She smiled at me. I was certain nopony sold fishing rods in Ponyville. In fact, I was pretty sure nopony sold them in the whole of Equestria, so where the heck did she get this?

“Ooooookay then… what else do you have in there?”

“Oh just general rubbish” She then proceeded to pull a canoe, a beach-ball, a cat, a piano and a giant rubber duck out of the small container. I looked into it again. Empty. I looked at the back and sides of it. It was still a normal sized post-box.

“Umm, is that all?”

“Nope” She then pulled out another cat, a sofa, lampshade and a 1997 edition of monopoly. “Ohhh, where is it..?” She said sinking her arm into it, then her head as well, then her torso, then all of her went inside it. “Bang, bang, smash, tinkle, MEEOOOOWWWW, smash riiiiip” were the noises I could hear from inside. When she finally returned again she was now in full scuba-diving gear.

“Pinkie, has anyone told you that you are THE most random pony ever with the weirdest sense of fashion and no sense of physics or possibility?”

“Nope”

“Pinkie, you are THE most random pony ever with the weirdest sense of fashion and no sense of physics or possibility”

“Okie dokie loki”

I shook my head. “What are you doing here anyway?”

“Oh, this is just where I hang out to get some peace and quiet every now and then, try and relax. Even I don’t have an unlimited supply of energy you know?”

“I do now”

“You’re funny” she giggled.

“I have been told that” She giggled even more at this response.

“Anyway, what are you doing here?” I raised an eyebrow and waggled the fishing rod she had just game me in front of her. “Oh, yeah. Well, I’m going to eat this sandwich over here” She then brought a quadruple decker sandwich full of biscuits, donoughts, small cup-cakes and pickles into view, and went off to sit on the porch of the old abandoned house. I just blinked at her, then decided to give the fishing rod a whirl.

As the new worm plopped into the river as I heard a satisfied munching come from behind me. I looked around and in the distance I saw a familiar yellow mare drift over a hill with a massive group of birds. I smiled and looked the other direction, just the Everfree Forest, nothing special. Tug tug. I looked at the line. Tug tug. Another bite! I reeled it in and, brought out the fish and smacked it over the head with the hilt of my knife and plopped it into a separate bucket of water to keep it fresh. Then I heard a sound, a perfect sound, a sound that lifted my heart and brought my mind no end of pleasure and happiness. A SAXAPHONE! I whirled around to Pinkie and watched in awe at her playing the Alto Sax.

“You’ve got a saxophone as well!? Oh my god, what DON’T you have?”

“Not much” She replied. I was also pretty sure that no one sold saxophones around here either.

“Do you have a spare of those as well?”

“Well of course silly, can you play?”

“I LOVE to play the saxophone, I used to play it all the time before I came here” She rummaged around in the letter box and pulled one out. It was beautifully well made; it was silver and gold and also had red padding. I gave it a blow and years of practice came back to me in an instant. I started to play Baker Street. She joined in, and I didn’t mind that it was pretty much impossible that she knew how to play it, and just continued. I hadn’t played for ages, I just wanted to get the feel for it again, play my favourite songs on it. I then went on to do Mexican Hat Dance, and she pulled out a Sombrero, a poncho, a fake moustache and a real life lizard from the post-box and wore them all, the little lizard bouncing happily on her shoulder as she danced around me. I had to stop and laugh, it was just too ridicules.

“What the heck Pinkie?” She just chortled and continued dancing a crazy dance. When I finished, she collapsed in a heap.

“Ugh, I came here to rest and now I’m dancing. I can’t help myself, I’m just too exited”

“And I came here to fish, but now I’m playing a saxophone to a crazy Mexican pony with a lizard”

“Hoohahahahaha” She waved her legs in the air, and then wiped away a tear of laughter. I sat down next to her and we watched the water trickle by.

“You can keep the saxophone if you like”

“Really?”

“On one condition”

“Oh?”

“You come and see me more often”

I grinned at her. “Deal” I said. She was lying down, spread eagled in the grass, breathing slowly as the wind played with her mane. “Pinkie..? Pinkie?” She was asleep. I smiled at this and just lay down on the grass opposite her, enjoying the scenery.

Life in Ponyville sure was something. I was much friendlier with everypony here now, and they were much friendlier with me. There were always a couple who despised my existence, just because they were like that. There were, and are, always going to be people and ponies like that. It’s just the way they are. I shut my eyes and listened to the wind in the trees, and the nearby animals, thinking about the brony’s dream, that had become reality. Wait a minute, what if this whole scenario is going to be in the actual show!? I wondered. Meh, who cares? Let them see, I couldn’t care less anymore. And then I too, gradually drifted off to sleep.

THE END! FINALLY! NOTHING NOTEWORTHY HAPPENED IN THIS ENTIRE STORY! THE. FUCKING. END.

Author's Note

well, I hope nobody enjoyed this story, and I advise anyone who did to seek psychiatric help immediately. I apologise sincerely for this monstrosity, but I feel that we need some shitfics to truly appreciate the good ones. See you later faggots.

thanks for nothing shitbags

http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/425918/rip