A Solution To Shipping

by Mooncalf

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Other, Romance, Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1764

Too many suitors, not enough Twilight. How can a brilliant genius alicorn pony solve this problem?

Too many suitors, not enough Twilight. How can a brilliant genius alicorn pony solve this problem?

Contains shipping. Contains nuts. Contents may have shifted during shipping. Do not take orally, or seriously. Use the included tools to retighten screws a week after assembly. Luna is always watching.

Many thanks to RarityEQM for quality assurance.

Published 2014-12-14 20:40:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-12-14 20:40:04 UTC

Where there's a problem, there's a solution

Twilight rushed through the entrance of the library and skidded to a halt on the main floor. Pausing for just a moment to catch her breath and smooth down her mane, she turned her attention to the crowd seated around the place. “Sorry for letting you all wait so long,” she said. “There’s been no trouble, I hope?”

“We haven’t misbehaved too much,” Princess Celestia said from her seat at a reading table, where she and her sister were enjoying some tea in defiance of a certain oddly persistent rumor. “For most part, anyway. Some ponies seem to be lacking patience these days.”

“Trixie has plenty of patience, your highness,” Trixie said with a derisive snort. “I’ve waited for months, nay, years to see my destiny come true tonight. So why is there such a holdup?”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Ugh, what a drama queen.” Spitfire nodded in agreement.

Twilight laughed softly, to the appreciation of the crowd. “Okay, okay. Just wait a little longer, everyone.” She let her gaze wander from face to face, her heart filling with joy upon seeing them all. Her friends, the princesses… Discord, Trixie, Big Macintosh, Zecora, Lyra and Bon Bon… Iron Will, Thunder Lane, Derpy, Toe Tapper… some guy from the Crystal Empire… Crackle the Dragon… five breezies in a shoddily-made pony suit… and many more. So many ponies (and non-ponies) whose hearts she had touched, apparently.

She took a deep breath, basking in their presence. Were she a changeling, she would have fed well. But she definitely wasn’t a changeling; the second Lyra sitting by the fireplace would have noticed if she were. “Everypony… everyone. Thank you. You know, when I moved here, I was so happy to finally have friends, because it was something I’ve never had before.” She started pacing around the room as dozens of eyes followed her. “Somehow I never imagined I’d find that other kind of affection too. Love. Romantic love. And yet here you are. Here you all are.”

“But of course!” Luna said imperiously. “You are worthy of all passion in this world and the next, and we – that is to say, I – desire nothing more than to grant it to you.” She glanced nervously at the crowd. “Mayhap we should have acted sooner had we known of the competition.”

“Gee, ya think, Moonbutt?” Gilda snarked. The griffon winked at Twilight, getting a giddy feeling as she smiled back.

“I think what the princess means to say is that we really do love you, Twilight Sparkle,” the spiky-maned stallion known only as ‘The Doctor’ said. “What you’ve done for me… I mean, what you will do, blasted tense forms… you’ll be a great companion, you know?”

“Thank you, Doctor,” Twilight replied, trying hard not to think about what he meant. She had a feeling spoilers were involved. She moved on to the next pony. “I’m a bit surprised to see you here, Sunset Shimmer. I thought the mirror was closed for another two years or so, barring some hastily jury-rigged attempt to bruteforce it open.”

“Love can make you overcome the impossible, Twilight,” Sunset said proudly. “And I studied with Celestia. You’re not the only pony with brains.” She looked Twilight over. “You know, you’re even cuter as a pony and not a weird spindly monkey-creature.”

“You too,” Twilight said sweetly, giving the unicorn a smile just for her. She turned to the turquoise pegasus next to Sunset. “And… I’m sorry, Lightning Dust, but I don’t really understand why you'd want to be here.”

Lightning Dust rolled her eyes. “It was that time at the Wonderbolt Academy, you know?” she explained. “When Rainbow Dash turned down her position if it meant going against her ideals… it opened my eyes, see? It was so inspiring. I realized how wrong I’d been, and how I wanted to be a better pony.”

“Oookay…” Twilight said uncertainly. “Shouldn’t you be going after her, then?”

“Yeah, but your wings are sexier,” Lightning Dust said matter-of-factly.

“Usually I’d protest, but I have to agree this once,” Rainbow Dash said, to the agreement of several other pegasi, as well as Celestia. “But only a little bit sexier, okay?” she quickly added.

“Um, right…” Twilight said uncertainly. She stepped back towards the center of the room again. “Thank you, all of you. You have no idea how happy you’ve made me feel. But there’s of one big problem: there’s so many of you, and only one of me.”

“Trixie doesn’t see the problem,” Trixie protested. “As long as you choose Trixie.”

“Yeah, but what if she don’t pick you, Miss Lulamoon?” Big Macintosh said sensibly. Trixie looked annoyed at the prospect; she had made great effort to ignore that train of thought. “Nope, the numbers just don’t add up.”

“Sharing, maybe?” Cheerilee suggested. “No, that won’t work either… none of us would get any appreciable time with you. Oh, if it was just you, me and maybe one or two others… but this is just too many.”

“Yeah, Bon Bon and I were planning to share anyway, but…” Lyra (the one who wasn’t a changeling) muttered.

“I don’t think this could work, Twilight,” Pinkie Pie said, her mane drooping in a foreboding way. “If you don’t pick me, I’ll be sad… but if you do pick me, everyone else will be sad, and that will make me super-sad!”

“Yes, Pinkie, you’ve spotted the issue.” Twilight swept her gaze over the crowd again, noting that many were starting to look worried or upset. Fluttershy looked as though she was about to start crying, and Discord was giving her puppy dog eyes – thankfully still attached to the puppy dogs. “I really do love all of you…” She blushed as Crackle batted a few curly eyelashes at her, and made a mental note to ascertain which gender the dragon belonged to. “…or at least I’m willing to explore the possibilities… but if I can’t be with all of you, I might as well be with none of you.”

Clamor broke out in the room. Ponies yelled at each other and started scuffling. Derpy jumped the mayor and started roughhousing in earnest as she recalled a previous incident. Discord summoned up a big tub of popcorn and flew up to get a better view of the chaos, whooping and hollering encouragingly.

“Twilight, no! You can’t possibly mean that!” Rarity protested.

Zecora nodded fervently. “Love is a battlefield. Do not be so quick to yield!”

Applejack suddenly slammed her hooves against the floor with a bang, startling everyone. “Calm down, everypony! …An’ you others too!” she added quickly for racial inclusiveness. “Show a li’l respect ta Twilight, okay? It’s her choice, an’… Sunset, Trixie, the two a’ ya power down yer horns before ah kick ya both through a wall!”

“Thank you, Applejack…” Twilight said wearily. The clamor eventually died down around them. Trixie and Sunset both pretended that they just arbitrarily decided to stand down of their own accord. “Like I said, if I can’t be with all of you, I might as well be with none of you. But then I remembered something important.” She grinned. “I’m Twilight Sparkle.”

Several dozen eyes stared at her in bafflement and adoration.

“You see, I solve problems,” she continued. “Conundrums of philosophy, among other things – such as ‘what is beauty’, which I’d love to discuss with anypony interested later on. But also practical problems, like this one. The answer was actually very simple, and… well, I might as well show you why I had to leave earlier.” She turned her head towards the entrance. “Okay, you can come in now.”

The door swung open, and Twilight Sparkle trotted into the room, closely followed by Twilight Sparkle and Twilight Sparkle. Hot on their heels were Twilight Sparkle, Twilight Sparkle and Twilight Sparkle, as well as Twilight Sparkle. The temperature rose noticeably as the room filled up with a massive influx of purple pony princessness. Three ponies with flower cutie marks swooned happily. “Zo much magiks!” Photo Finish mumbled, letting her assistant fan her blushing cheeks.

“I’m sure you can figure out the rest yourselves,” a Twilight who might have been the first one said. “Don’t be shy, and don’t fight. I did the math, there’s one for each of you. No, Rainbow, you can’t have two.”

“Darn,” Rainbow Dash muttered, her eyes glittering as she beheld the veritable cornucopia of eggheady goodness.

“Twilight,” Rarity spoke up, “far be it for me to criticize such an expedient solution, but didn’t we agree to never use the mirror pool again?”

“I seem to recall agreeing not to use it for frivolous purposes,” Twilight replied. “This is obviously a serious situation. Besides, Tom was shirking his guard duty anyway.” She indicated the stoic boulder sitting next to the reading table and ignoring the looks Maud gave him. Rarity made a disgusted face at the sight of her former beau and resolutely turned away from him. “Anyway,” Twilight continued, “I reinforced the pool’s arcanostatic framework and reversed the polarity on the neutron flow, so that should fix all problems.”

“Yes, that always works!” the Doctor exclaimed. “Brilliant thinking, Miss Sparkle. That would reduce clone degradation by at least five magnitudes. Shouldn’t even be noticeable!”

The Twilight standing closest to him gave him a friendly smile. “Friendship?” she said blissfully. When everypony stared at her, she laughed. “Hah! Gotcha! No, I’m fine. Shall we go, Doctor? I want to know your opinion on preventing predestination paradoxes…” She laid a wing over his back and they wandered off.

“A very unconventional approach, but I’m not complaining,” Celestia said, gently nuzzling her very own personal ex-student. Finally, they could be more than teacher and student! “However, you might have to watch out anyway. I think some here have decided that the original Twilight is a bit more unique than the others and might try to claim you specifically, just for bragging rights.”

Twilight turned around to look. Sure enough, Rainbow Dash, Sunset Shimmer and Trixie were advancing on her with a predatory gleam in their eyes. Then they noticed each other and started fighting. Twilight laughed. “Oh, there’s no need for that! I’m not the original, anyway.”

The brawl stopped as suddenly as it started. “You’re not?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Then who is?” Celestia asked, surprised, looking around the room.

Twilight grinned. “The one who grabbed Spike and jumped a train out of Ponyville ten minutes before I walked in here. She’s not getting involved in this mess.”