Ponies Really Hate American Football
Ponies Really Hate American Football
“Welcome, to the beginning of the 2014 regular season! I’m Al Michaels, here with my partner, Cris Collinsworth, covering a match that I’m sure America has been waiting for! Tonight, for the first Thursday Night Football game of this 2014 season, we have the Pack coming to Seattle, the Super Bowl Champions! I’m sure most fans will remember the match between these two teams the last time they met, two years ago, especially the controversial ending regarding a touchdown vs. interception call by the replacement referees. I’m sure lots of Packers fans have been waiting for this rematch with bated breath, especially the air battle. Two premier quarterbacks are going to be trading blows at dreary Seattle today. The grizzled veteran, Aaron Rodgers. He’s won a Super Bowl, back in 2011 against the Steelers. His opponent has also got a ring in his repertoire. Russell Wilson, the upstart that led Seattle to their first ever Super Bowl victory just last year. Both head an explosive offense and and the complements to shutdown defenses. Cris, what do you think about these two teams?”
“Well, Al, the Packers haven’t been on the radar that much since their last title, even though they still possess large amounts of talent, and I think that talent should be enough to beat these Seahawks.”
“We’ll just have to see. The players are coming out for the coin toss now.” The ref looked to the two teams before starting. “Alright gentlemen, we want a clean game. The away team is the Packers, so they pick the side. What do you pick, gentlemen?”
The Packers representatives all looked at each other briefly, before turning back to the ref. “Tails.” Aaron Rodgers responded for his team. The ref nodded quickly. He looked at the coin in his hand, before flipping it off the edge of his thumb. The silver coin landed softly on the turf. Everyone leaned down and in to see who won. “The coin is tails.”
Just then, if you were sitting at the edge of the stadium, you might have spotted a soft green glow encompassing the perimeter of the stadium.
The ref turned to look at the away team again. “Since the away team has won, they get to pick.”
“We choose to kick.”
“The away team chooses to kick.”
“Well, Al, the Packers chose to kick, which is becoming a more common practice in the… What is that? Al, do you see that?”
“Yes I do, and apparently some in the stands do as well. I’ve never seen something like this before. And, wait, hold on a second folks, something’s… happening… (static, video cuts out)
CenturyLink Field was now desolate. The only sign that anyone had been there recently were several footballs lying all around the field and a small coin laying in the turf, a slight drizzle getting drops of water on the silver surface.
-2 Days Later-
“NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is denying any kind of conspiracy theory or allegations regarding the disappearance of all occupants of CenturyLink Field on Thursday night, right as the first NFL game of the 2014 season began. Some of the theories range from some freak terrorist attack, to a mass alien abduction. No matter what the reason, the NFL issued a statement yesterday evening that Week 1 will go on, no matter what happened in Seattle on Thursday night. And that is our broadcast for this Saturday evening. Thank you for being here with us tonight, I’m Brian Williams. Goodnight.”
-Sunday-
“Hello everyone! This is Joe Buck, coming to you live from St. Louis, Missouri on this sunny Sunday. I’m here with my partner, Troy Aikman, ready for the Rams to host the Vikings today.”
“Yeah, Joe. This should be an interesting matchup, as most fans will be on edge, but not necessarily because of the game, Joe.”
“That’s right, Troy. The security at every game this week has been increased dramatically in response to what happened up in Seattle this Thursday. Some are calling it a freak accident, I honestly don’t know what it could’ve been. What I do know is that my prayers and condolences are going out to anyone that was related to Seattle, and that it’s time to play some football!”
“Yeah, Joe, let’s… (static, cuts out)
-Later that afternoon-
The first thing Adrian Peterson saw when he opened his eyes was snow. “What the hell? Weren’t we in a dome? In St. Louis!? In fall!? What!?” Looking around, he saw nothing. Just an empty plain of snow and rock - oh, and everyone else from the St. Louis stadium. Instantly, of course, they immediately began to echo Adrian, shouting things like “Where the hell are we?!” and “Why is it so goddamn cold!” Out of the side of his vision, he saw two men huddled together, wearing Vikings uniforms. Adrian got up and briskly walked over to their huddle. He smiled as he read the names on the back of their jerseys: Matt Cassel and Cordarelle Patterson. His two offensive compatriots did nothing more than nod when he shouldered his way into their huddle, the three of them rubbing their hands together while their breath came up in short, jagged wisps.
“Where do you even think we are?” Adrian asked, curious for his teammates’ input.
“Feels like we’re back in Minnesota.” Matt remarked drily, getting chuckles from his two friends.
“That it does. Still though, the only place in the world that would look anything like this would either be in the Arctic, or Antarctica. So, where the hell are we, exactly?” Patterson asked, sending the group back to a heavy silence of thought. This thought was interrupted as two new figures entered the huddle: Sam Bradford and Tavon Austin.
“You guys got room?” Tavon asked. Matt replied, “Yeah, make yourselves at home. Where do you guys think we are?”
“Definitely not in Kansas anymore, that’s for sure.” Sam quipped.
“Well, honestly, the best thing to do right now would actually play some football. Keeps the blood flowing.” Cordarrelle suggested. To his surprise, everyone nodded.
“It’d keep everyone entertained too. I saw the refs and some of the camera crews around, so I think we should entertain the masses, if you know what I mean.” Tavon shrugged.
“But I didn’t see any footballs around here. How the hell are we gonna play without any damn footballs?” Adrian asked.
“We’ll just have to improvise…” Sam grinned evilly, eliciting similar expressions from his comrades.
“Come on then, let’s go tell everyone and get a move-on. I think I see something over there.” Matt pointed into the distance, spurring the group into action.
-Tuesday Night-
“People all across the world are now avoiding stadiums like the plague after the disappearance of several entire stadium capacities across the United States, all participating in one game: football. The English have taken advantage of this fiasco to spread the word that their football will not result in you being abducted, resulting in millions of soccer converts. And that’s our broadcast on this somber Tuesday night. I’m Brian Williams, goodnight.”
-Canterlot, Equestria-
Twilight Sparkle galloped at full speed down the narrow corridor, barely swerving around a turn as she struggled to keep a top speed. ‘I knew it! Something huge is going on, and the princesses must know!’ She skidded to a stop, just managing to barely slam fully head-on into the great double doors of the hall. Twilight nearly ripped the doors off their hinges with the sheer power of her magic, startling a Celestia that has just been staring sultrily at a piece of… cake? ‘Whatever, the Princess’ weird fetishes can’t distract me from my mission!’ Twilight thought stoutly as she halted right in front of the Princess, who had teleported her slice of cake - and the other 3,000 cakes Twilight had briefly spotted hiding behind the throne - out of the majestic hall.
“Princess!” Twilight stopped just to bow her head respectfully before launching back into panic mode. “Something’s happening, and it’s been happening all over Equestria!”
“Yes, I know.” Celestia ignored Twilight’s dumbfounded look, instead choosing to explain. “How else do you think I’m supposed to be an active plot device? Not to mention this stuff happens every other day,” Celestia grumbled the last part of that thought with venom.
Twilight just stood there, completely lost now. “Yeaaaah, anyways, it’s of a magical caliber that I’ve never seen before, Princess! Not to mention we’ve been getting reports from several of the metropolises around the land, talking about bright flashes and large herds of strange creatures, and Princess, I…” Celestia held up a hoof to silence Twilight’s babbling.
“Just go take the Elements of Harmony and see what they’re all about. That’s what we always do, isn’t it?” Twilight looked at her mentor oddly, before recomposing.
“Yes, but, the sites are all over Equestria. How could we possibly get to all of them?”
“Split up, like those kids and that stupid mutt always like to do.”
“What… What?”
“Erm, uhm… nothing. Don’t ask,” Celestia waved a hoof, but wore a relieved expression.
“Sure, sounds like a plan! Sort of…” Twilight trailed off as she turned around and ran back out of the hall.
As she ran, she was also running something different - stats in her mind. ‘Okay, Applejack’ll be able to get some help down in Appleoosa, so that’d be closest to Las Pegasus. Rainbow Dash can organize Cloudsdale’s pegasi. Rarity can go to Fillydelphia, she’s always wanted to go there anyways,’ Twilight snorted in amusement as she continued. ‘Fluttershy can fly, but not fast. Hmmm. Actually, she can get the buffalo down to go to Las Pegasus. Applejack can go to Vanhoover, then. Pinkie Pie… well, she can go to Baltimare, I guess. I’m sure the princesses can handle the group moving towards here, and Cadance can protect the Crystal Empire. I’ll go to Ponyville and organize from there.’ Twilight smirked as her master plan finally took shape. As she wheeled around another corner and the gates came into sight, gleaming proudly in the warm sunlight, she thought:
‘Whatever these creatures are, they better watch out. We have a plan.’
-Meanwhile, near Canterlot-
“Hey, look! Over there!”
Cheers erupted from the massive crowd of people that had been walking for almost 2 hours now, as they spotted the massive mountain and castle that was inexplicably stuck on its side on the horizon, and steadily growing. Sadly, when the crowd and players of the Denver - Indy game were whisked away to this new world, their cars were not given the same treatment, meaning that everyone that had been at Denver had to walk.
“I’m getting too old for this shit,” Peyton Manning grumbled as he plodded through yet another of the standard grassy meadow alongside Demaryius Thomas, Julius Thomas, and T.J. Ward. Prater and Welker, the other two that had formerly been in the group, had left, presumably to do god-knows-what.
“Where do you think we are? I mean, that goddamn castle over there’s already defying physics.” Julius huffed.
“Dunno. Probably just paranoia, but this feels like E.T. to me,” T.J. definitely played the part of paranoid, looking every which way with frightened eyes.
"Do you think we should go look to see where we are, instead of just talking about it?" Demaryius suggested.
Peyton snorted. “Yeah, but I have a better idea. Instead of sitting here doing jackshit, I vote we play some football. I mean, we’ve got the teams, the refs, and the fans. We just need a ball, and I think I know just where we can find one.” He jabbed a finger at the mountain and castle in the distance. T.J. smiled. “Up for some thievery, I see. Come on, let’s go.”
-2 Hours Later-
Peyton was coolly observing the town spread out before him. The exhausting hike up the mountain had been well worth it. The town itself sat just below the towering turrets of the castle, but was quiet. “Where the hell is everybody,” Julius said out loud what everyone was thinking inside.
The clinking of metal on metal spurred the men to action. The humans scattered, taking up cover behind a house. Standing just around one of the corners, the two receivers waited, while Peyton and T.J. hid opposite them. The noise grew louder. Peyton held his breath. And then, first contact was made.
The armored guard walked around the corner, but nay, he was no human. He was a horse, actually probably a pony based on the body stature. It had a white fur coat, and was decked in golden armor. In its hoof was a long spear, the iron tip glinting brilliantly in the midday sun. Its green eyes constantly shifted, scanning the walls of the buildings around him.
T.J., right after he recovered from the reeling shock of seeing another sentient life-form on this new world, suddenly ran up behind it. The guard turned upon hearing T.J.’s light footfalls, but could only stare in shock not unlike what the four Broncos had just done, as T.J. came barreling straight into him. The two slammed into the stone ground. Upon meeting no resistance, T.J. stood back up and looked down. There was a sizeable dent in the side of the golden armor’s chestplate where it had taken the brunt of the fall, and the guard’s head lolled around. It was already unconscious.
Julius bent down and grabbed the guard’s spear, before the four moved out again, Peyton saying “Why don’t you hit like that in games?”
“Because I don’t have to,” was the short reply.
The group of humans had several more encounters with guards, all of which went like the first. The four Denver players, now all having spears, finally made it to the outskirts of the castle. A great golden gate stood imposingly over the entrance, watched and guarded by 2 soldiers. Demaryius and Peyton just walked up to the gate and the guards. The guards, after getting over their shock, leveled their spears and formed a two-man wall.
“Halt! Drop your weapons!” The two guards, saying the command in a masculine tone, which clued the humans into what gender they were, stood resolute as Peyton shifted his grip on the spear. Suddenly, he raised his arm into a position like the ones that soldiers used to throw javelins. The guards, realizing what Peyton was doing, took a step back in fear, but it was already too late. In a quick motion of the arm and snap of the wrist, the spear was flying in a spiral pattern, slicing through the afternoon air. Before anyone could react, the guard directly facing Peyton cried in anguish and pain as he looked down to see a spear, stuck right in his leg. That was the last thing he would see that day before he blacked out. The other guard looked away from his comrade’s bloody, unconscious body in horror, only to see Demaryius running right at him. He threw the guard to the ground, pointing his spear directly at the pony’s neck.
The pony was obviously terrified, sweating buckets and shaking so much that his armor was clanging loudly against the cobbled street. “Now, if you don’t want to end up like your friend over there,” Demaryius jerked his head at the guard bleeding profusely on the ground, “I suggest that you pick up his body and scram.” The pony on the ground nodded furiously.
“Good. Now, git!” Demaryius lifted his spear. The pony immediately ran over to the guard’s body, and hoisted it up across his back. He then proceeded to gallop off around the nearest building, disappearing out of sight as the clang of armor echoed off the white alabaster walls.
Peyton leaned over… and almost fainted, Demaryius grabbing him before he toppled onto the cobblestone in support and sympathy for Peyton, who, once he was fine again, stood up, leaning on the wooden staff of his spear. “Let’s go,” he murmured quietly. ‘I might need to call Tebow to have him pray for me,’ he thought sarcastically as the four of them pushed open the gates and walked into the castle grounds.
-Inside the castle courtyard, 10 minutes later-
Princess Celestia, ruler of the Equestrian ponies, gave a smile at her subjects’ turnout today. Nearly everypony had appeared in the massive castle courtyard, cobbled and surrounded by trees and the marble pillars of the castle, for the newest demonstration of an invention designed by her protegé, Twilight Sparkle. ‘Of course,’ Celestia’s smile morphed into a slight frown as this train of thought continued, ‘she unfortunately can’t be here today, she’s busy finding out what this strange occurrence is that’s happening all across Equestria as we speak,’ she thought gloomily. But, she got no further time to meditate on the subject, as the crowd quieted down, indicating that they were ready. Celestia took a deep breath, before walking slowly out into everypony’s view, being greeted with a tidal wave of applause. She walked out to the middle of the end of the courtyard, before turning to the right and facing the mass of ponies that were staring at her expectantly.
“Ahem, well, hello my subjects. I suppose you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today,” she paused for effect, seeing the burning curiosity and tension written on her subjects’ faces, “and it’s with great pleasure that it is simply nothing more than a demonstration!” The crowd let out a collective sigh of relief.
Celestia, after taking another breath, continued. “My personal student, Twilight Sparkle, has created a new device that can help us revolutionize the way we make our weather!" Cheers erupted from the crowd.
"Sadly, she cannot be here today to demonstrate, as she is attending to... business elsewhere. However, it is my great pleasure and honor to present to you all, personally... the Thaumic Climate Converter!" Celestia reached out with her magic aura, and pulled the item in question out onto the stage.
It was an oval shape, with one side full of buttons. On the other side was a set of ridges, right in the center of the cylinder.
“This device uses a crystal inside of the shell to manipulate ambient thaumic currents in the air to change the weather, effectively just like pegasus magic. Allow me to demonstrate,” Celestia said as she picked up the device in her aura.
“Just give it a command for what weather you want, wait for it to pick up some thaumic currents, and…” she pressed the big green button with a hoof, causing some lights to flash on, and suddenly, a rain cloud appeared. Almost as big as a normal one, it began to let out a drizzle of rain and several electric sparks, before one of the pegasus guards flew over and punched it, causing it to disappear. The crowd cheered, which Celestia drank in before waving her hooves to motion for silence.
“As you can see, this is a great day for ponykind as a whole, and this also encourages and reaffirms my knowledge that the future will hold even more. Thank you, every last one, for being here today.
“You’re welcome! Oh, and thanks for the football!” Before anyone, even Celestia, could figure out what was going on, a strange creature, running on two legs, had already ran from one side of the stage to the other, hauling his ass into a castle corridor. Three others, also clad in bright orange, similarly sprinted through the space, one saying “Sorry!” All the ponies turned back to look at the podium, including Celestia, who was just as shocked as they were. But, to their collective horror, the weather creator was gone!
“Come back here, you thieves!” The Royal Guard was the first to react, with almost the entire squad running after the mysterious creatures. Celestia sighed deeply. “Let’s hope all that cake really wasn’t a bad diet.” She galloped after the guards, leaving the crowd to stew in an eerie stupefied silence.
-With our heroes(?), the corridors-
“Peyton Manning with the wheels? What sorcery is this?” Peyton chuckled at Julius’ obvious jab as they ran through the huge corridor in a castle of some pissed-off ponies. Speaking of which, they were gaining, and some of the unicorns had pointed their horns at them. Bolts of light began flying past them, turning whatever pristine surface they touched into a scorched mess. Before the humans passed, the hallways had an immaculately polished marble floor, portraits hanging in the intervals between the many exquisite stained-glass windows, and small tables displayed countless works from across Equestria and beyond.
Afterwards, the floors were scuffed and, in some places, scorched. Many paintings had fallen off of the walls, some with holes straight through them. Plenty of windows were cracked and blown apart, glass raining down on the rest of the city below. Many of the exquisite pieces on display had also fallen over, either shattering or being trampled by the wave of hooves. All in all, the damage was going to be quite costly. The treasury could barely meet this, especially with the recent spending on cake tripling.
Turn after turn, the running was starting to wear down the four humans, before they noticed something peculiar. The enemy had stopped firing. Peyton risked a glance back. What he saw, quite frankly, was about as terrifying as Patrick Willis running at you full blast.
A new pony had taken the lead, the other guards forming to either side. But, no, this was no guard. It was several inches taller than the rest, noticeably so, and a crown sat astride its horn. On either side of its body, great wings sat folded. The four immediately recognized it as the one that had been speaking when it was demonstrating the device that Demaryius had swiped.
“Stop this instant! We’re not here to harm you, we just want to talk!” She yelled, her voice feminine.
“Then call the guards off!” T.J. shouted back as they skidded around a corner and took off full blast again.
“Not until you give us back what you stole!” was the response.
Of course, the practical response was for Julius to give her the bird in plain sight and keep running. They rounded another corner, and there it was, salvation. Two massive golden doors heralded the exit to the castle. All four Broncos slammed into it, heaving with all their power to get the doors open. They budged just enough to create a hole for the orange-clad quartet to slip through.
“Run!” Demaryius urged, as they turned to see… a room. A throne sat on one side, and the approach was adorned with red carpet and stained-glass windows.
“Maybe there’s an access door at the other end! Come on, this is our one shot!” T.J. encouraged the others as they began to run to the other side of the extensive throne room. They were halfway down the hall when the massive doors behind them slammed open, revealing the ruler and the guards, all of which looked just as tired as the humans. Speaking of the humans, they noticed them still running and moved to chase them again.
The four reached the end of the hall and looked behind the throne. Their hearts sank when they saw nothing other than a flat wall. They turned around to see that the guards had already created a perimeter around them, blocking the hall and preventing any escape. ‘This isn’t good,’ Peyton thought.
“Now, throw down your spears and surrender what you have stolen, and my sister and I may decide to pass a light judgement on you four,” the pony said.
“Who gives you the power to do that?” Demaryius shot back, still clinging tight to the weather device with his gloved hands.
“My crown,” the pony motioned to her head, gesturing to the ornate piece of regalia, before lowering her hoof and speaking again. “I am Princess Celestia, co-ruler of Equestria. And you, creature, are trespassing and stealing from my kingdom. I would advise you right those wrongs quickly." She said, the tone of her voice deepening ominously during the last phrase.
"We aren’t even from this world. No laws from this world apply to us."
"Oh, so you are the creatures that have been spotted all over Equestria. What are your names?" The humans looked between each other, before collectively shrugging. 'It couldn't hurt to tell them,' Peyton thought as he faced Celestia again.
"Peyton Manning. We’re humans, and I lead these boys," he stated, which received no comment.
"Julius Thomas."
"The name's Demaryius Thomas."
"I'm T.J. Ward, but call me T.J."
Peyton looked at each of his friends as they gave their introduction, and he couldn't help but notice something peculiar. Demaryius' left hand was twitching. This would have been nothing out of the ordinary, except for one detail. His hands didn't twitch. Peyton would know, he'd seen and thrown to them enough. He looked closer. It was pointing to the left.
Peyton looked to where Demaryius' hand was gesturing, and saw a giant window. Down below, he could just make out a roof. Gears in Peyton's brain started to rumble and turn, as Julius and T.J. also noticed the secret gesture.
"Now, humans, will you give us back our device, or will we have to take it?" Celestia's stance shifted slightly, as did the guards'.
"Hey, before anyone does something they might regret, I'd like to say something." Peyton took a step forward.
"And what might that be?" Celestia said slowly.
"Sorry."
The response caught Celestia off guard. "Why?" She asked unsuspectingly.
"Because that window's gonna cost a lot to replace. 50 Omaha, set hut!" Peyton yelled, and before any of the ponies could react, the four humans were already running to the left, crashing through the giant stained-glass window like an action movie and trying to avoid the jagged shards as they dropped through the air, headed for the roof just below them, about 20 feet, judging by eye.
"Come on lads, put your shoulders into it!" T.J screamed over the wind in a heavy British accent, making the rest of the Broncos laugh as they prepared to shoulder-bash a roof.
Suddenly, the roof was in their faces, hitting their shoulder pads full force and letting the momentum smash their faces into the roof as well. 'Good thing we've got helmets... oh, and the fact we lived through that, but that still hurt," Peyton thought as the four slid down the roof. The ground wasn't far, as the house itself wasn't too tall, but the humans still had to bend their knees upon landing.
“Ok, let’s go!” They began to run through the city, but not before hearing the enraged and frustrated yells of a certain pony princess coming from the window they just smashed through, the cries carrying far over the grand city.
-The outskirts of Vanhoover-
'Why is it that the ball we stole-er, found, in that town have to be so weird?' Russell Wilson thought as he scrambled out of the pocket for the umpteenth time. In his hands was a small glass jug, filled with maple syrup and stoppered with a great beachwood cork. To the humans' bewilderment, it would not break, which helped it stay light, not to mention help its slim frame withstand the rigors of kickoff or being hit.
'Seriously, it's like the town here is some sort of pun on Canada. Maybe Vancouver? Ah well, it's not important.' A train whistle cut through the noise of the game, and Russell Wilson looked up to see a train, colored pink and decked out in hearts and glitter, approaching the town. He shook his head as he scrambled, tucking and running.
'God, a world full of ponies. We're living the dream of a 6 year old! Yay!' He thought sarcastically as the Packers' linebackers ran him out of bounds, but not before he got the first down, according to the marker.
'Whatever. Focus on the game,' he decided as he walked back towards his huddle.
-The "End o' the Line" Train Station, Vanhoover-
"End o' the line! Everypony off!"
The conductor's call rang out above the screech and hiss of the train braking and slowing as it pulled into Vanhoover Station. Applejack was the first pony off, already breaking out into a gallop as she spied her target from afar: the creatures. They were situated in the middle of a sizeable clearing surrounded by towering pine trees, wildflowers and small brooks dominating the landscape. She had passed close by a few minutes ago, while still on the train, and she guessed it would only take 5 minutes at a steady gallop to reach the herd. 'It was so weird lookin’,' Applejack thought as she kept on going.
The creatures had been in a giant oval of sorts, but a few were on the inside, running around every which way. ‘At least they don’t seem tah want tah get any closer tah Vanhoover,” Applejack thought. If her brain could heave a relieved sigh, it would be right now.
Apparently, her thoughts had distracted her for longer than she had thought, as the crowd of creatures was growing steadily closer. At this distance, she could see that the ones forming the outer oval were sitting down, with a few exceptions, but the ones inside were standing on two legs, running to and fro, slamming into each other.
“It’s like a million a’ me decided tah have a wrassle with a million a’ Dash,” Applejack stared onto the spectacle, bewildered. Seeing as how the ones in the middle were the ones doing anything other than creating a lot of noise, Applejack decided to try and get into the middle to talk with them. By now, she had reached the first of the strange creatures. She tapped a hoof on its shoulder, with it turning around.
“Hello. You’re one of those pony things, aren’t you? Come to see the game?” It said, with its deep, rumbling voice shocking Applejack almost as much as the simple fact it could talk.
“Well, ya see, I need to talk to whoever’s in charge. Would that be the people in the middle of yer oval thing?” To his credit, the man - obviously - sitting next to Applejack only blinked when she started talking.
“I guess they would be. But, the game’s going on right now, and I wouldn’t interrupt it if I were you.” The man repiled, smiling a small smile. "Take a seat, and you can watch with me until they call a timeout. I'll fill you in on the rules." Applejack, seeing the wisdom in not barging straight into this game, begrudgingly sat down next to the man, who was wearing a shirt with a gray, blue, and green head of what appeared to be a bird emblazoned on the chest, also sporting a cap with the same design. His light blue eyes twinkled merrily, almost masked by the black hair falling all over his eyes. All things considered, he looked the part of a good guy, but Applejack had already turned her attention back to the game in the middle.
"What's the name 'a yer game we're watchin' here?" Applejack asked.
"It's called football, and it's played mostly in the country of the United States of America, where we're all from. What is this place called?"
"Well, yer in tha' land of Equestria, next to tha' town of Vanhoover." No sooner than the words had left her lips, the man started chuckling, his slender form shaking up and down in response to his laughter. "What is it?" Applejack asked, curiously and a little defensively.
"It's just that back on my planet, we were near a town called Seattle, very close to a town called Vancouver," the man explained, making Applejack start.
"Hey, there's a town near here called Seaddle! Small mining town, ringed with mountains an' forest," she realized. "Ah just realized, ah never caught yer name."
"Jared, a human, and you?"
"Applejack."
"Well, nice to meet you, Applejack." The two shook hands, or in Applejack's case, a hoof. A sudden cheering from the crowd tore both of their attentions back to the game, where it seemed that one human had broken free from the rest and was now running to one end of the field, with the rest following him.
“Wha’s happenin’ down there? Why is everybody cheerin’?” Applejack questioned, bewildered as to why everyone was cheering about one man running. “Ah mean, track an’ field’s popular ‘round here an’ all, but everyone seems so excited,” she clarified.
“Well, you see, the men on the field down there are carrying a thing called a football. The object of the game is to score by getting the football to the end of the field. The other team tries to stop them. What just happened was that my team, the Seahawks, managed to score. Now they just… well, they would kick the extra point, if we had uprights. Right now, we’re just giving it away. So, right now, the score would be 7-0, Seahawks.”
“But they’ve only scored once, right? How’d they get 7 points?”
“A score, or touchdown, is worth 7 points right now, since we don’t have uprights.”
“Oh.” Applejack blinked, comprehension dawning on her. “So, now wha’ happens?”
“Well, the Seahawks will kick it to the other side of the field for the other team, the Packers, to have a chance at offense, while our defense tries to stop them.”
“So, how exactly do ya get said ball to the otha’ side?”
“There’s two types of plays, or what you can do. Runs and passes. A run is when the ball is given to someone without throwing it, and he gets as far as he can before he is tackled to the ground, at which point the play is considered over and the ball dead. The other type is a pass, in which the quarterback throws the ball to someone, who tries to catch it and get down the field before he is tackled." Jared explained. Applejack was impressed. This game seemed a lot more complex than it looked. Then again, she could say the same thing for the humans.
Jared spent the next five minutes teaching Applejack about the finer points of football, such as the downs system and field goals. Just as he was getting to coaches and gameplans, a sharp whistle blast cut through the crowd's cheering, and all the men in the middle began moving to the side. Jared nudged Applejack in the side. "Now's your chance, they're calling a timeout." Applejack looked at him hesitantly. "Go on, and good luck," he tipped his cap, spurring Applejack to begin squeezing and pushing past people, most of which stopped to stare in wonder as she passed.
After what seemed to be an eternity, Applejack reached the bottom of the bowl, and began to mix in with the football players on the field, pushing past men of all jobs, players, staff, coaches, technicians, you name it. She reached the line where most of the starters were sitting, taking their allotted time to rest and refresh during the timeout. Knowing that this is where she would find whoever was leading this game, Applejack walked up behind two massive specimens, whose jerseys read Wagner and Chancellor. She tapped the one named Wagner on the back. He turned around slowly, swiveling his head around in apparent confusion, before seeing the top of Applejack's Stetson and looking down at her. Chancellor had also turned around, and had likewise noticed the farm pony. Wagner knelt down to be almost at eye level. "Yes?" His voice was deep, but youthful and bright at the same time.
"Um, hello, Wagner." Wagner began to chuckle, a deep-throaty laugh that shook Applejack's bones. "Call me Bobby. Bobby Wagner. This here's my boy, Kam Chancellor." Chancellor nodded his head in greeting when he was introduced, but remained quiet.
"Ah, yes, Bobby. Would ya, perchance, know where the people runnin' this gig are? Ah'm here as a rep'rsentative, and we need ta talk with yer leaders." Bobby nodded slowly, before pointing down the line, Applejack's gaze following.
"Russell, the quarterback, and coach Pete Carroll are over there, but you'd best hurry. Timeout's almost over," Bobby said, before shooing Applejack on with a motion of his hands. "You gotta hurry, come on! Good luck!" He spurred Applejack into action, who turned and, after nodding gratefully to the giant Seahawk, galloped down the line.
Finally, someone stopped her: a referee, judging by the outfit he wore, according to David's brief description of them earlier. "Hello there. You need some help with something?" He asked.
"Do ya know Russell Wilson an' Pete Carroll?"
The ref laughed. "Yeah, they're just over there. Look for the number 3, that's Wilson's jersey number." Without further delay, Applejack took off again, kicking up a cloud of dust as she left the unnamed ref behind.
"3,3,3... Ah, 3!" She muttered as she finally spotted her target: Russell, talking with a man Applejack could only hope was Pete Carroll. She ran up to the two of them, stopping just in time to walk casually into their group, both men looking on this new addition, shocked. "Excuse me, but does one of ya happen to be a Russell Wilson?"
The younger one, also in a jersey, raised his hand slowly. “Um, yes?”
“Well, the city of Vanhoover is askin’ for their prized maple syrup back. Would you be so kind as to give it back to tha’ city as a sign of goodwill?”
Russell hesitated. “Well, I guess that…”
Another figure burst into the circle, disregarding everyone. “Hey, Russ, time’s near up! Get out there!”
“I guess you can ask Richard,” Russell said as he walked away, out onto the makeshift field. Applejack turned to Richard, whose last name seemed to be ‘Sherman’, as was evidenced on his jersey. “Well, Richard?”
“Listen here, pony,” Richard knelt down slowly, his voice the kind that a man would use to talk to a little kid. “We’re playing football here, something everyone here -” he gestured with spread arms to the massive crowd around them wants to do. Unless you have a real football for us, we’re gonna use your maple syrup. Now, scram.” He said with a tone of finality as he stood back up, glaring down at the orange pony.
“Fine. I’ll have to go get it myself.” Applejack resolved as she trotted onto the field. Ignoring the protests from Sherman, she walked straight up to the huddle of Seahawks players in the middle of the field, shouldering through a few in order to get to the middle. Russell looked down in surprise, but clapped his hands, which was mimicked by the rest of the group as their circle broke up. Applejack stood there, wondering where they were going, when she saw the jug of maple syrup on the ground, in the hands of one of the bigger men on the field. Suddenly, it was passed from his hands into Russell’s hands, who proceeded to toss it behind him to another man, bearing the last name of ‘Lynch’ and the number 24.
‘This is my chance!’ Applejack thought as she dodged and weaved between people on both teams, getting ahead of Lynch, who was running upfield. She suddenly put on the brakes about 10 yards from Lynch, planting her front hooves into the ground firmly and stretching out her back legs towards Lynch. ‘Let’s see how he handles this!’ Applejack thought firmly as she ground her hooves deep into the soil, Lynch barrelling towards her.
Marshawn Lynch was content. Running over everyone, being a star, getting paid a ton, the good life. Yes, Marshawn Lynch was most content.
On this particular play, he had just run over Casey Hayward and was barrelling down the sideline, when he noticed that orange pony that had burst into their huddle earlier standing down the field in front of him, her back legs stretched out towards him. ‘Is this some kind of joke?’ he thought as he kept running. Yet, she didn’t move. ‘No? Oh well, no regrets,’ he thought as he realized it would be near impossible for him to alter his trajectory at this point. So, he decided to make the most out of a first contact - literally - gone bad: yell a funny line as it happened. 10 yards, 7… now!
“When you see the train comin’, get the hell off the tracks!” Marshawn yelled as he barrelled straight over Applejack.
In the stands watching, Jared winced. “Ooh, that’s gonna hurt in the morning.”
-Back in Ponyville-
“Ugh,” Twilight groaned in frustration as she read the letter. She then crumpled it up in her magic and threw it into a trash can nearby. “Of course!”
Hearing the racket she was making, Spike walked in, the puny dragon asking, “What is it?”
Twilight sighed. “Apparently, Applejack’s hind legs are both fractured after her run-in with these so-called ‘humans’”. She turned to look out her window, which proudly displayed a beautiful day, with few clouds and a bright sun.
“I just hope that we have better luck with the rest,” she finished as she stared out the window, seemingly trying to make eye contact with her friends.
-Baltimare-
“Ooh, I LOVE games! What game is it! Can I play!!!”
Joe Flacco felt like beating his head against a wall for the umpteenth time since this conversation began five minutes ago. “Ugh, please! Just stop, before I gain a headache and lose my sanity!”
“Okie-dokie-lokie! Oh, wait! Stop!” She yelled shrilly, causing everyone - seriously, everyone within a mile radius - to stop and watched Pinkie. “I just remembered what I was here to do!” She put her hoof to her chin, her face scrunched up in thought. It took a minute or so before she spoke again. “Aw, I forgot. Oh well! Why don’t we have a PARTY!” She inexplicably flew up in the air, confetti randomly bursting out from behind her.
Joe grumbled in utter defeat. “We’re losing, Pinkie, was it? Anyways, if you want a happy party, you can go visit the other sideline and party with the Bengals.”
“Ooh, that’s a good idea. Wanna come?”
“No fraternizing with the enemy, but thanks for asking, Pinkie,” Joe tutted. On the inside, however, Joe was cackling. ‘Good luck, Dalton. We may lose this game, but you’ll lose your goddamned mind! Mwahahaha!’ he thought as Pinkie bounced away to the other side of the field to meet with Andy Dalton and the Cincinnati Bengals.
Andy Dalton was pretty happy right now. His Bengals were - barring a miracle - starting the season 1-0, always a good thing to happen. He was just about to run out onto the field to close out the game with the typical shaking of hands, when he felt a presence appear next to him. He turned to look, which brought him face to face with a bright pink pony bouncing up and down, inches away from his face.
"Um... Can I help you?"
“Yeppers! Since you won, I wanted to throw you a… PARTY!” Confetti burst from nowhere once again as she jumped 20 feet in the air inexplicably.
“Uh… Maybe, Ms.?”
“Pinkie Pie’s the name, party extraordinaire.”
“Well, you should come on the field with me. We have to shake hands with the Ravens before we go back to our… erm,” Andy stuttered as he realized they didn’t have any locker rooms right now, “well, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Come on.” Andy jogged out onto the field, followed closely by an eager Pinkie.
Dalton and Flacco finally met each other on the field, both of them going to shake hands respectfully. When Flacco pulled Dalton in close, however, he whispered “Good luck with that pink pony. You’ll need it…” was all he said as he began to walk back towards his sideline.
Dalton turned back to Pinkie, trying to figure out why Flacco could say such a thing about such a jovial per- er, pony. “Come on, let’s go party!” Speaking of the pink pony, he turned around to see her tugging at his jersey with the expression of an excited 5-year old. Sighing in good humor, he said in fake reluctance, “Okay.” He thought back to the raven sculpture they had used as a handy ball. ‘I hope we’re not antagonizing anyone,’ he thought as he approached his team.
-Two Hours Later-
It was all Twilight could do not to throw something in frustration. “According to this letter, Pinkie Pie threw a party with some of the humans, instead of getting Baltimare’s prized sculpture back.” She ranted at Spike, who was doing his best not caring. “I only hope that our other friends do better…”
-Outside Las Pegasus-
“Um, could you guys, um, give Las Pegasus their diamond back? If that’s, um, fine with you,” Fluttershy’s voice was near silent by the last word. Larry Fitzgerald kneeled down on a knee in order to get eye level with the butter-yellow pegasus. “Look, uh- what was your name again?”
“It’s Fluttershy…”
“Come again?”
“Fluttershy.”
“Pardon?”
“Fluttershy.” Fluttershy forced herself to say her name as loud as possible, which barely measured above a controlled normal voice. Larry finally heard her and nodded.
“Look, Fluttershy, we just want to play some football, and we don’t have a ball.”
“But you’re stealing from Las Pegasus!” she cried softly, still wishing she was invisible.
“Stealing’s such an ugly word. I prefer… annexation.” Larry smiled in a creepy way, the ends of his mouth stretching and creating a smile that was just too artificial.
“But… but… oh, okay. Can I go now?”
“Eh, it’s a free country,” Larry replied, knowing he had won the mental battle.
“Okay… eep!” Fluttershy was gone in the blink of an eye. Even the knowledge of this being a mission for her friends could override her sense of fear from these new animals - nay, humans - that as intelligent as ponies.
With all these factors in play, it was no real surprise that the pegasus ran in barely contained terror all the way to Las Pegasus, a few miles on the dusty horizon.
But once there, she gave the signal to a certain Chief, who gave the signal to his whole tribe in return. And so they began to march.
For Phillip Rivers, this game was going pretty well. All his defense had to do was hold up and that would be the game. He smiled, hearing the marching band on the sideline, their cadence echoing from across the field. Until he looked at the sideline, and saw the marching band not marching. Yet the sound was still going, and getting louder. That distinctive cadenced timing was coming from somewhere else. He quickly made a scan of the area surrounding the field. Good thing he did too, for he quickly caught a number of… buffalo wearing Native American getup? ‘Well, that’s damn racist,’ Phillip remarked in his head as he continued to watch the buffalo, that were beginning to noticeably speed up and were now kicking up a cloud of dust as they continued to head towards their game.
Phillip tapped Ryan Mathews on the shoulder, who stood up from the grass he had been sitting and looked up at Phillip with a questioning expression. “What?”
Rivers jerked his head towards the herd of buffalo bearing down on them. Mathews’ face fell. “Oh. I guess I’ll get the rest,” he ran off onto the field to stop the game and face these new arrivals, who did seem unfriendly.
Soon, all the football players were formed up in a line facing the buffalo, which by now were just a ways from the patch of grass that marked the edge of the stadium. “Alright guys, these buffalo don’t look like they’re playing around, so if they want a fight, let’s give them a fight!” The players started cheering in response. By now, the buffalo were crossing the 50-yard line, while the players had lined up on the twenty. 30 yards was enough to get to max speed, yet not enough so as to tire them out before they actually had to fight. Phillip turned to Larry, whom he had designated as his second-in-command.
“Larry, I need you to tell the others to get going, and then you’ll have enough momentum to make a real impact. Heheheh, that’s a good one.”
“Got it,” he said in response before turning to the assembled players. “Come on boys, let’s rock and roll!” Giving a war whoop, the near-100 players began to jog down the rolling field, before accelerating to a full-out sprint.
Satisfied, Phillip turned to Antonio Gates, who currently had the diamond in question clutched in his gloved hands. “Antonio…” he thought as his friend looked at him expectantly. “Never mind. Just make sure that thing isn’t lost.” He said, and Antonio nodded wordlessly as they became two of the only people to witness a battle between humans and buffalo on the desert plain.
-Back to Twilight-
“Well, now there’s apparently 24 injured buffalo after their encounter with the humans near Las Pegasus.”
“Why would the buffalo do such a thing? Whoever ordered an attack on these humans isn’t very cool in my book!” Spike exclaimed as he listened to Twilight.
Twilight began to run a hoof over the back of her neck, sweating a little. “Yeah, whoever did…” she chuckled suspiciously. Thankfully for her, Spike was dense and innocent, and her blatant lie flew right over his head. She turned back to the old, gnarled wooden desk that she typically wrote her correspondence on, frowning slightly. “Maybe… maybe the Princesses need to be notified,” she thought as she levitated ink, a quill and a sheet of parchment over to the desk and placed them down. Sighing, she picked up the quill and began writing.
-Down in Fillydelphia-
“I must say, darling, how do you even play such a game? It seems so brutish, so barbarian, so uncouth!” Rarity mock swooned as the Jaguars collectively rolled their eyes.
“Then why, pray tell, are you here?” Toby Gerhart asked the question everyone was pondering.
“Because,” Rarity started, drawing out the word a lot, “Fillydelphia wants their prized soccer ball back, which I must add, why use a soccer ball?”
“Because, nobody here has a football. So, we are forced to improvise and touch such things as what the…” he shuddered mightily, “English use.”
“Still,” Rarity grimaced, “is it really worth it to get so…” she looked to the players writhing on the ground, “dirty?”
“Lady, if you don’t want to get dirty, you sure as hell ain’t gettin’ that ball,” Cecil Shorts III quipped as he watched Rarity.
Rarity looked at the ground. The muddy, dirty, unsanitary ground… ‘No! I mustn’t think like that!’ Rarity cried in her mind. But, every time she tried to resist, the look of that dirt patch would draw her back in, mocking her.
Tentatively, she placed a hoof out onto the dirt, touching it daintily before pulling back at insane speed, as if it were cold water freezing Rarity to the bone. She tried again. Seemingly satisfied with the fact that the dirt wasn’t going to tear her foreleg off, she planted it firmly, repeating the process with her other three legs, until all four of her legs were on the dirt.
Rarity’s face lit up upon seeing this new achievement. “Now, nothing can stop me! I’ve conquered the filth, next, the world!” She struck a dramatic victory pose to boot, and this time, everyone rolled their eyes, fans included.
“And now, to get that soccer ball,” was all she got out before she noticed the ball bouncing right towards her. She stretched her forelegs out, as if trying to hug it. “Come on, come to mommy,” she cooed as the ball bounced ever closer. 5 yards, 3, 1.
And then Rarity was buried under a mass of men, all trying to get the elusive soccer ball.
Eventually, the players managed to find the ball, which the refs ruled Jags ball, much to the Jaguars’ delight. On the bottom of the pile, the last one as players began to try and untangle themselves, was Rarity. Covered head to toe in mud, sweat - other people’s, and muck. Her eyes stared off into space, seemingly traumatized. She slowly tore her gaze off the horizon distant, but then spotted something much, much worse.
DIRT. On her coat.
-Back to Ponyville-
Rarity’s banshee imitation echoing all the way from Fillydelphia was all Twilight needed to know. She turned back to her board on the wall. She crossed the name “Fillydelphia” off the list as another botched attempt.
Spike came waddling quickly into the room, brandishing a roll of parchment carrying the royal seal. “Twilight! Letter’s here for you!” Twilight grabbed the letter with her magic and set it down next to her before unfurling it. Her eyes quickly scanned the page before she began to read aloud.
“While I understand the scope of the problem overall Twilight, I can see from a patrol around the city that you haven’t been able to contain your own human problem yet either.” Twilight slowly lowered the letter, thinking hard on the meaning of the last part of that sentence, before it suddenly hit her. “No, no,” she nearly swore under her breath as she hurried to the window, drawing the curtains open and peering out. What she saw was certainly… worrying. The humans were here, too! Rushing back to Spike, she promptly plucked him up and put him back down on her back using her magic, also using said magic to open the door as she unfurled her recently acquired wings.
Flight lessons with Rainbow Dash had done her a lot of good, but she was still inexperienced in the air, and Twilight knew it. Despite this, she didn’t have an exact fix on the location of the humans, and teleporting without a location was always a risky business.
“Hold on, Spike!” she warned as she got a galloping takeoff. Spike clung onto her back fur as tight as his tiny claws could as Ponyville quickly began to shrink below him.
After a few minutes of flying hard, they reached the crowd of humans, being watched warily by several ponies from a safe distance. Twilight quickly touched down, Spike hopping off her back and struggling to keep pace with the alicorn as she quickly trotted up to the humans. A certain mint-green unicorn was running around, trying to talk to as many humans as possible.
“Spike, stay here.” Twilight told Spike before beginning to push through the crowds. Spike just sighed and plopped down hard on his butt.
“This’ll be interesting,” he thought out loud, getting settled in to watch a disaster unfold.
-Neighagra Falls-
“Aw yeah! I’m unstoppable!” Rainbow Dash yelled as she got into the endzone again. She was quickly proving to be the Buffalo Bill’s best running back ever, her stats through just this game being 343 yards and both of Buffalo’s touchdowns with the game tied at twenty with fifteen seconds to go in regulation.
After Rainbow had gathered the pegasi, they had gone to investigate a pegasus’ claim that some of these new creatures had gathered near Neighagra Falls. Sure enough, they found what they now knew to be the humans that had been involved in the game between the Buffalo Bills and the Chicago Bears.
Sadly, the competitive nature of pegasi, especially the sports-oriented breed from Cloudsdale, had led them to become drawn into the proceedings. Now, the majority of pegasi were betting with the humans, who were excited about possibly winning gold, to say the least. With Spitfire managing bets and not needing help, what with the Wonderbolts assisting her, Rainbow went down to the sidelines, offering her services.
The Bears, having Matt Forte, said no confidently, but the Bills, seeing a possible opportunity, took her on for a one day, one-hundred dollar contract. After a three minute crash-course on football, taught by the offensive coaches, Rainbow was shoved onto the field, her new team down 13-3.
The Bills had suddenly had an offensive explosion, the effectiveness of Dash opening up the coach’s playbook tremendously. They managed to come back from the deficit, while the defense managed to shut down most of Matt Forte’s runs.
E.J. Manuel came running up to Dash, grinning. “Let’s go, Dash! Now we’ve got a chance!”
Dash shot a smirk back. “Thanks, Manuel. Now, let’s get ready for OT!”
The two teammates jogged off the field. A few minutes later, they were back on the field, the explosive duo working wonders, from handing it off to Dash and letting her flaunt her athletic prowess, to play-actions that led to easy first downs, and especially with the option, both of them juking the terrible Chicago defense out of its shoes.
A breakaway run from Dash set up Dan Carpenter. Everyone watched with bated breath as Carpenter lined up the kick. Carpenter ran forward as the ball flew back to the holder.
A perfect kick.
The Bills sideline ran onto the field, cheering and hugging each other like crazy. Dash shared many quick embraces and fist-to-hoof bumps as all the Bills shook hands with the Bears, Dash included.
“Hey, Dash! I got a present for you!” E.J. yelled from a few yards over, causing Dash to zoom over to him, stopping and looking at him with an eager expression. E.J. pulled something out from behind his back, and Dash recognized it immediately. A Bills jersey.
“Thankfully we had a spare without a name. Thanks for the help, and know that you’re a part of the Bills family now.” He threw it to Dash, who caught it, too enthralled in staring at it to say anything. Then, however, she looked back up to E.J., who just grinned awkwardly.
In a flash, Dash’s hooves were wrapped around E.J.’s neck, her voice a little hoarse as she croaked, “Thanks. For everything, E.J.”
“You too. Now get outta here, you crazy pegasus!”
Dash smiled as she mock-saluted. “Yes sir!”
And thus, Rainbow Dash and the pegasi of Cloudsdale left, with much less gold than they had come in with.
-The Crystal Empire-
‘Toting the rock took on a whole new meaning,’ Adrian mused as he did what he does best, which is run people over and score touchdowns.
‘God, St. Louis can actually play the run. Too bad we can’t really pass it, considering this thing is heavy as hell,’ he looked down at the crystal-looking heart-shaped rock in his hands. Playing in the middle of a literal blizzard has its upsides and downsides, of which the latter dominates by a large margin. As such, the entire game had consisted of a pound-the-rock attitude, although Minnesota was having way more success passing than St. Louis.
However, someone else was about to pass better than either team, and he was about to make a spectacular entrance.
“Shiny! I don’t think this is the best idea,” Princess Cadance complained. The snow tickled her belly as they lay on the crest of a hill overlooking the creatures below, holding the most important relic in the entire Crystal Empire.
Prince Shining Armor held up a hoof, his eyes alight. “No, no!” He said, a bit too enthusiastically. “It’s the perfect plan! All you have to do is grab the Crystal Heart as you fly by, and then teleport out of there. Piece of cake!”
“Yeah, piece of… cake…” Cadance said slowly, obviously reluctant.
Shining put his binoculars back up to his eyes, only to drop them just as quickly. “Target acquired, this is our chance!” Before Cadance could even think to protest or otherwise, Shining already had her held in his hooves, raised above his head.
“Brace yourself!” That was all Shining said, and then Cadance was in the air, sailing towards one of the things that was hanging onto the Crystal Heart.
Closing in, she began to have regrets about agreeing to this. ‘Why didn’t we just try diplomacy? I’m sure they would understand that we need it more than them. Or, maybe-’ was all she could think of before she suddenly was thinking about a helmet in the side of her head.
The two went flying, although Cadance seemingly drew the shortest straw. She landed on the ground, hitting her head again, falling into unconsciousness within seconds.
Back on the hill, Shining Armor cried out and ran down the hill, slipping and sliding on the moist snow, hellbent on protecting his wife.
A few of the players from both teams had gathered around the unconscious unicorn-pegasus hybrid, trying to see if there was any injuries. One of them, a rookie from the Rams named Tre Mason, pointed at a mark on the pony’s hind leg. It was a tattoo of the same heart-thing that Adrian Peterson was currently holding. “You guys think this is a bad sign?”
Everyone else turned to look at him, before a collective “Nah”.
Suddenly, there was a flash, and then the pony’s body was gone. Everyone whirled around in confusion, trying to figure out where a body could have suddenly disappeared to. It didn’t take too long for them to find it, sprawled out a good distance from the humans, but with another pony guarding its companion’s body protectively.
“Give me that heart! You things, attacking my wife! I should have you all killed, or worse!” The voice was gruff and masculine, and contained a mixture of worry and anger.
Adrian took a step forward, his demeanor softening. “Hey! We were trying to help, and I’m sure that we can negotiate a-” the planned negotiations were cut off as soon as the pony’s hoof landed on Adrian’s face. Adrian staggered backwards a step or two as the pony watched, holding his hooves up in a boxing stance. “Stay away from me and my wife, or you’ll get it!”
Livid, Adrian gave the pony a glare that could kill a man. “Oh, it is on now. I’ll beat you just like I beat my kid!” Adrian screamed as he began to go to town on the pony, who had to take a storm of attacks, not daring to break his defensive stance.
After a few minutes of wailing, Adrian stepped back and took a break, surveying his work. The pony, whom he had not even gotten a name for, was now bruised, bloody, and broken, lying in the snow, staining his surroundings red. Adrian spit in the snow for good measure, then turned around and walked back towards his huddle.
Little did anyone notice, the spire on the horizon behind them was being swallowed by a mix of the white snow and a black fog, disappearing from view.
-At the base of Canterlot Mountain-
Peyton was now going to work on the Colts’ defense, passing the makeshift ball around with ease. He was really beginning to like Julius Thomas as a target, his reliable hands invaluable in a pinch. Keeping ahead of Luck on the other sideline was Peyton’s mission, now that the lead had been gained. During one of the intermissions, however, several players and fans saw a shadow on the middle of the field. It was growing, getting bigger, as if something was coming down towards them.
His guess was proved correct, as a golden chariot landed in the middle of the depression filled with grass that the teams were currently using as a field. Two figures stepped out of the back. One was not recognizable, but one was quite familiar. For once, Peyton was nervous. Gulping, he walked up to meet the Princess Celestia for the second time.
They both stopped about ten steps from each other, Peyton juggling the weather device in his hand almost absentmindedly. Eventually, he brought his eyes up to meet with the white pony’s, whom Peyton guessed was some kind of ruler in this ponyland. They were filled with calculation, and yet warmth.
“Hello again, Peyton. I assume you know what we are here for?”
“I’m guessing your weather thingy?”
“No. We want to get you to tell the rest of your human friends to quit stealing from the other cities around Equestria.”
“But, none of my boys could have done that… Wait, are there other humans here?” Peyton asked urgently.
“Yes, dressed in uniforms like you are.”
Peyton’s eyes bugged, but he forced himself to keep a calm demeanor and tone. He began to pace back and forth. “Well, I would truly hate to disappoint you, Miss Celestia, but, A: I’m not the leader of my race, and B: I have no way to get a message to them, even if I could have any form of control over them. Especially Sherman,” the last part being in a maliciously low tone. “By the way, who’s the other pony?” he pointed in the general direction of the blue pony, who also sported a horn and wings.
My sister,” here she also gestured to the other one, colored dark blue, who had not moved very far from the chariot yet, “whose name is Princess Luna.”
“Also, it’s our ball, and we need a ball.” Demaryius called from the sideline.
“Well then,” Celestia sighed loud and long, “Guards?”
One of the golden armor-clad ponies near the chariot snapped to attention. “Yes, Princess?”
“Retrieve our device. Force is authorized, but non-lethal only.” Peyton began to take a step back, but was quickly tackled by guards, being crushed under the swarming mass.
“Hey, assholes! Watch out!” T.J. slammed into the guards dogpiling Peyton, helping him back up and then running off down the field. Peyton smiled, seeing what T.J. was trying to do. He wound up and threw right as he got brought down again.
It was a beautiful lob, falling right into T.J.’s hands. However, T.J.’s momentary elation was wiped away by a flash of bright light right next to him, causing him to stumble and almost fall down.
Celestia, shockingly enough, was already right in front of him. T.J., learning from his experience with the Browns, suddenly became terrible at football and spectacularly fumbled it, the ball flying over to the other team, as Browns players are apt to do.
T.J.’s impeccable plan worked like a charm, and now Andrew Luck stared at the object that they had been using as a ball, until the guards flying at him snapped him out of his reverie. He pitched it to one of the new rookies from training camp, Dan Herron.
“What the- Oh, crap.” Dan was suddenly surrounded by guards, Andrew abandoning him for dead. Thankfully, Dan was practiced in the art of the flea flicker, and thus could throw it easily. Spotting Coby Fleener on the sideline watching, he yelled “Catch!” and threw it to Coby.
Coby, channeling his inner Coby Fleener, dropped the wide-open pass. Thankfully, he snatched it back up from the grass and then ran like hell.
This cat-and-mouse type of pursuit lasted for several minutes, the weather device passing between multiple players from both teams, each finding a way to keep the ball away from the guards.
Luna, who had still not moved from just in front of the chariot, leaned over to one of the guards that was tasked with watching the chariot.
“We find this most amusing. Our sister maketh herself into a fool,” she whispered into his ear.
On the inside, the guard could do little but agree as he watched the keep-away game unfolding on the field.
-Back in Ponyville-
Twilight stopped, panting. ‘I really need to get out and exercise more often,’ she thought.
After she had figured out what the humans were using for their ball, Twilight had cursed their unfortunate circumstances.
“Of course they managed to find the chest at the Tree of Harmony! Why did we cut our defense spending!”
Way back right after the girls had defeated Tirek, Twilight got her mentor, Princess Celestia, to put an enchantment on the chest so that foreign magic couldn’t touch it, a handy anti-theft enchantment at the time. However, there was one caveat: only Princess Celestia could touch it with magic. Therefore, Twilight had to actually catch it, which meant keeping up with some of the- no, scratch that, the best- athletes Twilight had ever seen. Seriously, these guys put even Shining Armor to shame.
All this added up to some of the most strenuous exercise and embarrassing moments Twilight had ever had to experience. Especially when they did put her target down on a little tee, those were the worst. Whenever Twilight would run for it, seeing that no human was holding it, one of them would kick it all the way to the other side of the field! Frankly, Twilight was beginning to get angry.
“Come on! So close!” the unicorn in question said to herself, determination lacing her tone as she galloped towards the tee.
“Come on, Twilight! Push!” she panted, pushing herself to the limit. Her prize was so close, almost there!
And then it was gone. If you’d have blinked, you’d have missed it.
“AAUGH! THAT DOES IT!” Twilight screamed to the heavens. She was so enthralled in this that she didn’t notice the human walking towards her.
“Why the hell are you in the middle of the field! We’re trying to kick off here, and you’re-” Josh Brown, kicker for the New York Giants, began to chide Twilight for interfering, before he noticed the murderous glint in her eyes.
Twilight turned towards Josh, positively fuming. “Uh, sorry?” Josh tried to apologize feebly.
“Sorry? SORRY?! I’m sick and tired of you humans and your throwing around that stupid thing, and your running and scoring goals-”
“I’m pretty sure you meant touchdowns. You obviously don’t know much about football,” Josh stated matter-of-factly.
It was too late when he noticed the look in her eyes had intensified tenfold. Before he could say a word, there was a magnificent flash, and all was gone.
At least, momentarily.
“GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLL! Wait, where are we?!”
After watching players pathetically fake injuries worse than a kindergarten school play, pass the ball for twenty minutes on end, and listen to the announcers scream like the world was ending every time someone made a goal, all while still failing to retrieve the chest that the players of the Barclays League had conveniently decided to use as their ball, Twilight stopped.
“I…hate...SOCCER!” She yelled. David Beckham, overhearing this, yelled back, “It’s called football!”
“RRRAUGHHH!!!”
