Twizzles funky ass new Replacement

by The1templar

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 1326

Sun Ass is dissatisfied wit her hustlaz current performance, so she findz a funky ass new replacement.

Sun Ass is dissatisfied wit her hustlaz current performance, so she findz a funky ass new replacement.

-I felt Twilight's Suitable Replacement was gangster enough. If you do not like this Vengeful Spirit, I will take it down.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-12-15 16:13:56 UTC

Yo Ass is Fired

"Yo ass is fired."

"What?" I asked, starin at mah long-time playa n' mentor up in shock. What could she possibly be tryin ta teach me dis time, biatch? Da mare had often played at bein subtle wit her teachin methods, n' I had grown like skilled at detectin her game over tha last nuff muthafuckin years.

"Just what tha fuck," I holla'd; you fired. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I've found yo' progress unsatisfactory of late, n' I have given you nuff muthafuckin warnings bout yo' lack of diligence. Yo ass have disregarded all of mah requests ta properly use yo' title fo' what tha fuck I intended when I gave it ta you n' have instead dropped far too much time wit dem 'friends' I looted fo' yo thugged-out ass. Therefor I, Supa-Hoe Sun Ass di Equestria do hereby rescind yo' status as a Alicorn n' a bizzatch."

My fuckin mind reeled as tha lyrics rolled off of her tongue. I could peep her standin there, glarin down all up in mah grill from her throne as she peeped mah growin terror. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. I was no fool; there was only one way up in which a Alicorn could cease ta be a bizzatch.

"So you goin ta take mah powers, then?"

"Yes, n' yo' posizzle as tha Hellement of Magic. I find dat tha bearers would gotz a much betta brotha up in somepony else."

"So you've found a suitable replacement, then?" I inquired. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I already had a scam of whoz ass would cook up a likely muthafucka fo' mah replacement, though tha thought of Trixiez satisfied sneer as she gloats made me wanna gag. "Well given tha circumstances surroundin mah unexpected removal from office, will you at least break off tha respect ta tell me whoz ass up in all of wide Equestria could possibly do mah thang betta than me son?"

"Why should I rap  when I could just show yo slick ass, biatch? I can't hold on ta yo' magic fo' too long, so I be thinkin you gonna have nuff time ta become acquianted wit her before I suck up all of yo' powers n' bust you back ta magic kindergarten."

"Yo ass is s-sendin me back?!"

"Of course, Twizzles son! It aint nuthin but tha only suitable punishment fo' a gangbangin' foolish pony like yo ass."

Oh dis wasn't good. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! This wasn't phat at all! I may have let mah studies up in magic slip a lil yo, but there was no way dat mah skill had atrophied ta tha extent where I'd gotta start from scratch. There must've been suttin' I was missing!

"This can't be happening!" I shouted up in frustration. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. "I know dat mah dissertation on tha nature of harmonics n' thermodynamics from a non-euclidean standpoint was a lil' bit lack-lusta at dopest yo, but how tha fuck could dat one failure possibly justify mah current thang?!"

"Da posizzle of bizzatch is tha highest place of honor, Twizzles Sparklaz biaaatch! If you cook up a single mistake, yo ass is no longer qualified ta rule. I be straight-up pissed tha fuck off up in you, mah forma faithful hustla," Sun Ass stated wit a gangbangin' firm expression. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I withered under her stare, tryin mah dopest ta stay strong. Well shiiiit, it wasn't working.

"Guards, brang up in tha funky ass replacement!"

I sat still, waitin fo' Trixiez ta come trottin all up in tha doors wit her usual haughty expression. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I knew dat she'd spot me fairly quickly, n' I could already tell dat she'd have like tha blast makin funk of me afta all of all dis bullshit. Da most shitty part was dat I'd be powerless ta stop her; a bizzatch can do whatever dat biiiiatch wants afta all.

"Thith ith thuper!" I heard a voice call up enthusiastically. My fuckin mind must've been takin dis harder than I initially thought. Trixiez may done been a lil' bit on tha slow side yo, but even dat biiiiatch wasn't dat inherently fuckin wack. There was only one pony up in all of existizzle wit dat much grey-matta lackin between her ears.

"T-twist?"

"Oh hi, Twizzles son! Da printheth ith goin ta give me pretty wingth!"

Fuck dat shit, dis was worse than I thought. Trixez might've been a insufferable idiot yo, but at least her becomin a bizzatch done cooked up a cold-ass lil certain amount of twisted sense yo. Havin a funky-ass blubberin imbecile like Twist up in a posizzle of real juice was tha last thang I eva expected.

"Now stay still, Twizzles," mah mentor commanded, steppin down from her dais ta stand up in front of mah dirty ass. Even wit mah added growth, dat dunkadelic hoe towered over me tha same way a pony towered over a insignificant ant on a cold-ass lil carmel apple.

"This won't hurt," her big-ass booty holla'd. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "Much."

My fuckin vision was blinded by tha feelin of mah wings bein ripped off of mah back. I felt mah bones shatterin under tha strength of her pull, mah straight-up ethereal essences bein shorn from mah ass. My fuckin eyes watered as I was left breathless under tha onslaught.

"Oooh, they tho pretty!"

Da ghetto slowly started ta return ta focus as mah vision cleared, n' I could peep Twist standin next ta me up in a gangbangin' straight-up matured body. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch stood tall n' elegant, her frizzled mane now etherealized up in a manner befittin a alicorn, so check it before ya wreck it. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch spread her pimpin' white wings, takin up in tha sight of her freshly smoked up limbs wit apparent curiousity.

"I hope you happy, Twizzles Sparklaz. I know dat you've never truly loved mah crazy ass yo, but ta go against mah direction so blatantly leaves me ashamed ta have eva called you 'friend'," I heard Sun Ass say. I looked up ta find her form even mo' imposin than when I'd been a Alicorn, so check it before ya wreck it. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Instead of her probably thugged-out demeanor, a reproachful sneer was all she gave mah dirty ass.

"I be s-sorry," I holla'd, mah eyes fillin wit unshed tears. "I be bout ta accept whatever punishment you give mah dirty ass."

"Good, at least you gonna have done suttin' right wit yo' game. Now then, itz time fo' Twist ta practice her freshly smoked up magic."

"Oh goody!"

"Twist, turn her tha fuck into a cold-ass lil cup of coffee. I thirst fo' tha bitta tearz of useless foals!"

"Okay!"

And then I transformed tha fuck into a funky-ass balloon.

My fuckin breath caught as I woke up. Well shiiiit, it took nuff muthafuckin moment fo' me ta start ta recognize tha difference between trip n' reality, so I just sat there gaspin fo' air fo' realz. A quick glizzle round tha room flossed mah crazy ass dat Spike wasn't up in his bed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! A few mo' moments n' I became aware enough ta remember dat he no longer slept up in tha same room as mah dirty ass.

"Godz yo, but dat trip was vivid," I muttered, pullin tha sheets off of mah sweaty body. I stood up, stretchin mah limbs before trottin over ta tha nearby phone.

Ring...ring...ring.

Click.

"Hello?"

"Yo, Skittles..."

"Yo ass had dat weird trip again, didn't yo slick ass?"

Da End