All I ever wanted after I moved to Ponyville was to live happily with my friends, to have a good life, to make my family proud, to make Celestia proud. I remember the looks on my parents' faces when I was crowned a princess, how happy everypony was, how happy I was. I delved further and further into the art of magic, learning and casting any spell I could. What a terrible mistake that was.
It was about three years after I became a princess. I was trying to create a new scrying spell, something that would allow me to glance into the future. There were already spells like that created by Starswirl the Bearded, but they were inefficient and only gave second long glances a few minutes into the future that were muddled and blurred. I thought that I could improve upon them by combining them with a ritual spell. That was my first mistake.
I had everything set up, the magic circle double and triple checked for mistakes. The mana crystal inspected for any imperfections, twice by me and once by Rarity on my request. I built up the starting of what was the best future sight spell Starswirl had developed and began to combine it with the spell circle.
I should have noticed that something was wrong when I started. I should have felt the spell starting to backfire long before it did. Looking back I did nothing wrong, but it all still went so wrong.
I remember waking up in a hospital bed with Nurse Redheart standing over me. After the spell backfired Spike rushed to get help, she and a doctor came as fast as they could to make sure I was okay.
I remember looking into Redheart’s eyes and seeing a vision. It was her in bed, except older, a lot older. She was dying, peacefully, surrounded by her family. It was so sad yet it was so serene. The spell had actually worked, I just glimpsed further into the future then anypony else had ever done before. I was ecstatic. I quickly got back on my hooves, the doctor and nurses tried to get me to lie back down but I needed to get back to my notes as quickly as possible. I ran right out of the hospital, fast as my hooves would carry me.
I had to tell my friends the amazing thing I had done! I remember running out into town in search of them. That’s when I started to see exactly what my spell had done to me. I remember looking into another pony’s eyes… I saw how they would die. I was confused at first, but then I looked into another’s eyes… I saw how they would die. The spell showed me the future, but not just once. Every time I looked someone in their eyes I was greeted by the image of their death. I had stopped rushing to find my friends at that point. I was too terrified at what I was seeing to do anything else. By some morbid curiosity my eyes were drawn to each pony I passed and I kept seeing their deaths played out in front of me.
That’s when it happened, I ran into one of my friends. She must have seen the look of fear on my face. I remember her asking me if I was feeling okay before I looked at her. Rainbow Dash… Oh why… why did I have to cast that spell? I didn’t want to see that! WHY WHY WHY! I lied to her… said I was okay, then I quickly ran back home. I quickly had Spike write a letter telling Celestia that I had to see her immediately and that I was going to be on the next train to Canterlot. I didn’t look into his eyes. I couldn’t bear to look at anyone anymore.
I quickly ran to the train station and got myself a private car so I didn’t have to look at anyone. Spike wanted to come but I made him stay behind. He noticed how I wasn’t looking him in the eyes when I was talking to him. He just kept asking if I was feeling alright and kept trying to look me in the eyes. I pushed him away and told him to stay behind. I couldn’t… didn’t want to look him in the eyes. I could hear the hurt in his voice as he said bye to me.
When I arrived in Canterlot I quickly made my way to the castle, trying not to look anypony in the eyes on the way there. I failed in that task. I remember bumping into someone I used to know from Celestia’s school. I can’t remember her name but I remember how she died. I remember seeing her in some big city and she was in an alleyway at night bleeding out, it was a mugging gone badly.
I remember having a short conversation with her, she told me that it was nice to see me again and that she and her family were taking a trip to Detrot. I was just pretending that I didn’t see what I had just seen; I wish I could go back and tell her… I remember seeing her obituary in the paper a week later.
I remember entering the castle and being greeted by Celestia, she was worried about the letter I sent her. I averted my gaze away from her eyes and asked to talk to her in private.
Soon after I found myself sitting in Celestia's private chambers, a place I used to enjoy visiting. Celestia had prepared some tea for us... but I wasn’t interested in drinking it.
Right before she took her first sip I spoke. Telling her about the spell, about what it had done to me. Telling her how I saw what would happen to Rainbow Dash. She stared at me, her teacup hovering in her golden magic just in inch away from her mouth, a look of worry upon her face. After a second she lowered the cup back to the table between us.
“…you can’t save her.” These were the words she spoke to break the deafening silence. When she spoke those words I felt like a huge weight was placed upon my heart. Up until that point I had never thought about saving Rainbow. I was just so scared of what I was seeing that I didn’t think of it. But there, right then, I realized I could have used that knowledge to save her. But here is Celestia, telling me I can’t.
I was dumbstruck; I couldn’t get any words out besides a single question. “Why.”
“Because, nopony should be able to change the fate of another.” She said, like it was the most obvious answer there was.
“B-but if it’s her fate to die and…” I started before Celestia interrupted me.
“Twilight, you cannot change the fate of another being. To do so could result in disaster. Not even I am allowed to change the fate of another, no matter how much I wish I could. I know the death of your friend will hurt you, but those wounds will heal in time… Trust me I know.”
“B-but why… why can’t I save her!?”
“Because the lines of fate are what keep the world in balance. Without it everything would fall into disharmony. Fate is what saw fit to make you the Element of Magic, what gave you the power to stop Nightmare Moon, Discord, Sombra, Tirek, and every other evil that came your way. Fate is what gives a pony their cutie mark, their very essence. To change fate is to upset the very fabric our world is built upon. You can not interfere with it and that’s the last I’m going to say about this.”
Once the silence returned, I had no reason to break it again. Maybe I should have… maybe I should have pressed harder… maybe I should not have listened to her. I soon left, leaving my tea untouched.
When I got back to Ponyville I went straight back to my castle. Not stopping to talk to anypony, not looking at anypony. Some did try to talk to me, ask me what was wrong, but I pressed by them with no words.
Upon arriving home I locked myself in my room. I told Spike that I had important work and not to disturb me. I just laid on my bed and cried quietly to myself. I looked over at the end table; a Wonderbolts ticket was sitting there. Rainbow always gave each of us one ever since she became a member of the Wonderbolt two years ago. I remember Pinkie threw a party celebrating Rainbow's second anniversary of being a Wonderbolt a few weeks before. The show was the next day… I didn’t go.
I couldn’t bring myself to go; now knowing what I knew was going to happen. I couldn’t bring myself to go and watch her perform and even though I knew what was going to happen I still cried when my friends told me…
Rainbow Dash, the Element of Loyalty, one of my best friends was dead. There was an accident during the show. It was a long show and Rainbow flew hard and fast though the whole thing. She even did a sonic rainboom about half way through. At the end of the show the crowd called out for an encore. Rainbow just had to respond. Even though she was tired and sore from the show she still tried to do one last rainboom for the crowd… she lost control… hit the ground hard... the doctors said that she didn’t suffer long. I didn’t go to the funeral.
I tried removing the spell, but nothing worked. Every time I thought I had done it I’d go out and look into the eyes of some random pony, and each time I was witness to their death.
I stopped leaving my castle in Ponyville. Then soon after that I just stopped leaving my room altogether. I couldn’t bear to see my friends die. I forced myself to never look at them again lest I see the visions of them. Everyday they came by to check on me, knocking on my door trying to get me to come out, to tell them what’s wrong. They suspected that my self-imposed exile was just me grieving over Rainbow’s death. How I wish it was that simple.
A few weeks go by. I don’t know why she came, might have been to console me, might have been because my friends called her. But Celestia came to see me. I remember her appearing in my room, laying her wing over me, and talking in that motherly tone of hers. A tone I used to love.
“Twilight,” she started, “I know you’re going though a great loss now but you shouldn’t just hide youself away like this.” She pauses, waiting for me to answer, but I don’t. “It is truly a tragedy what happened to the Element of Loyalty, but it was her time to go, there was nothing you could have done.” Nothing I could have done. Those words… they just set me off.
“Nothing!?” I screamed at her, “I could have saved her! I should have saved her!”
“Twilight, it was her time.” Celestia said, trying to calm me with her soothing tones. But I wouldn’t have any of it.
“I could have saved her! It would have been so easy. Just tell her not to not try that last sonic rainboom, just to do something simpler, nothing that would endanger her life!”
“Twilight, I already told you that you can’t interfere with the will of fate.”
“Why not?” I asked, she didn’t answer. She just stood up and began to leave.
“Because you’re not allowed to interfere, Twilight. Nopony is, no matter how much they wish they can.” That was the last thing she said before leaving me alone. I cried myself to sleep that night.
I had to get out of Ponyville. I couldn’t be here any longer. I couldn’t see my friends anymore, no matter how much I wish I could. So I left a note to Spike telling him to take care of the castle and not worry about me. In the note I told him that I was going back to my parents house, that I just wanted to be left alone for a while, to not tell my friends because they’d just try to come see me. That was a month ago now.
Now I just lay here, in my old room in my parents' house trying not to feel anything. It’s easier now, not feeling anything, easier than the alternative. Caring about others hurts, especially when you can’t help them. I wish I could go back to the way things were before it happened… before I cast that spell.
I open my eyes, the room is mostly dark with just a narrow band of light seeping though the closed curtains. I gently brush my purple mane out of my eyes before looking over at the clock on my end table. Twelve past noon. I don’t feel like getting up so I closed my eyes again. I wanted to go back to sleep but my body wouldn’t let me.
I slowly pulled myself out of the rat's nest that was my bed. I kicked the covers off my body and rolled out onto the floor before walking over to the mirror. What little bit of me that still cares about magic still wonders why when I look into my own eyes in a mirror I don’t see anything… maybe it’s because it’s a mirror. Or maybe the spell just doesn’t work on me.
I still wish I could have saved Rainbow; that feeling will never go away. I wish I could use this curse to help ponies; but Celestia says I can’t interfere. I still wish I never tried to cast that spell; but nopony can change history.
My stomach complains that I’m hungry so I soon make my way downstairs. My mother is in the kitchen cleaning something up, she says something to me but don’t pay attention. She sighs and goes back to what she was doing while I find something to eat.
Once I was finished I start making my way back to the stairs, as I walk though the front hall the door opens. Dad was home… He’s been home less and less. I look in his eyes and see the same images as always. I can’t interfere. I don’t say anything to him, and I can tell he doesn’t want to talk to me right now. I slowly make my way back up the stairs to my room, locking myself within once more.
I sit on the bed, listening. I hear dad yelling at mom. I know the reason. Dad’s always been so engrossed in his work... a mare can get lonely sometimes. My mother just wanted somepony to love her like father used to, even if that stallion wasn’t him. I don’t know the stallion’s name, though I do know he’s a member of the reserve guard. My father could possibly forgive the adultery. But that wasn’t the problem anymore. Mom was pregnant… it was the other stallion’s.
I hear their argument picking up. I can’t interfere. It’s gotten worse since mom learned she was pregnant. She’s been threatening to leave and not come back. I sit on my bed quietly, just listening, not interfering. I hear something shatter. I can’t interfere. I get up and leave my room. I hear my mom cry out in pain. Can’t interfere. I walk down the stairs. Dad yells someth- quiet. I walk into the kitchen.
There are some broken dishes on the ground, a knocked over knife rack, my mother sitting backed up into the corner clutching a knife, my father on the ground holding his throat while choking on his own blood. I just watch with cold indifference now, I’ve seen this happen so many times before it actually did. After a few seconds he stops moving. Dead.
My mother looks over at me in shock, “I- I didn’t… mean…” she says before breaking down into choking sobs. I say nothing. I walk over to her and use my magic to take the knife from her, dropping it on the floor into the puddle of blood that is slowly forming around my father. She wouldn’t need it anymore. I help her up while she continues to cry and walk her over to the sink, around the body. She stares at it for a few seconds before I pull her away from it.
I gently wash her hooves in the water, cleaning the blood from them. She doesn’t say anything. I don’t say anything. I walk her calmly up the stairs to her room, she keeps muttering about how she didn’t mean to and how she’s sorry.
I help her into bed, casting a spell to calm her nerves as I gently stroke her head as she falls to sleep. I just think. Think about what Celestia told me, about the world, about Rainbow. Mom’s fully asleep now, the spell having done its job.
I make my way back to the kitchen, stepping over the corpse that once was my father, picking up the knife that was used to end his life. It’s a simple knife for cutting things. I tuck it beneath my wing, holding it in place, keeping it hidden.
I gently closed the door behind me as I walked out into the street. The sun was shining creating a beautifully warm spring day. A gentle breeze blew over my face as I started walking down the street towards the palace.
Ponies were out and about going by their daily lives, not knowing of what will befall them. Oh how I wish I was them, not knowing what I know, nothing but blissful ignorance. I couldn’t help but glance into their eyes as I passed.
A shopkeeper sweeping some dust out from his door… Undiagnosed heart condition.
I walk slowly though the streets looking up at the palace, watching it grow ever closer to me.
A little colt with his mother in the park… Cart accident.
My wings twitch at the odd sensation of the knife tucked under my wing, I can feel the sticky blood still coating it soaking into my fur as I walked.
A young mare spending a nice afternoon with friends… cancer.
I can help everyone if I wanted… if I really wanted too… I could stop so many deaths all thanks to this curse.
An old stallion enjoying the warm afternoon sun… peacefully in his sleep.
If only I could have saved her then everything would still be alright. Why couldn’t I save her…? If fate wanted her to die then why did it give me a way to save her?
A day guard politely opens the door for me as I approach the palace… training accident.
I walk down the familiar halls that I once walked as a filly.
There are so many ponies I could help. So many lives I could save if I could only act. I could save my friends, my family, and anypony and everypony I wanted. But I can’t… Celestia says I can’t no matter how I wish I could or want to.
This isn’t a curse, it is a gift.
I stop in front of a door.
If fate wanted Rainbow Dash to die then it wouldn’t have given me a way to save her.
I squeeze my wings tighter against my body, feeling the knife bite into my skin.
Fate gave me this gift so I should be able to use it how I want.
I slowly open the door as I stare down at the floor.
I can save them all if I wanted I just need to remove the one thing stopping me…
“Princess Celestia” I say calmly
“Oh, hello Twilight. I was worried about you… I was actually planning on coming to see you later today to make sure you were feeling better, but it’s good to see you finally out and about by yourself… I know your friend’s death was hard on you. But… Twilight is something wrong? Do you need something?”
“Yes…” I say, “I want to talk to you about fate…”
I look into her eyes as I slowly close the door… I see myself…
Author's Note
So several months ago I had a dream. In this dream I was Twilight Sparkle. This story is the result of that dream.
Like most dreams after I woke up I lost all the knowledge I knew when I was the character thus I had to piece most of the story back together from what I had experienced myself. Didn’t help that there was, as I like to call it, dream pollution. (I.e. when parts of the dream warps/changes/goes crazy but you don’t notice at the time because it’s a dream and you just think it’s supposed to be like that… I digress.)
If you’re interested. The part of this story I actually did experience in the dream was everything between when Twilight was at her parents’ house up to when she left to go to see Celestia. At that point the dream fully fell apart and I shortly woke up.
Hope you enjoyed this foray into my madness.