How To Ruin A 'Healthy' Marriage: Just Add Children and Political Intrigue

by Madman with a Keyboard

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Romance, Adventure, Shining Armor, Sex, Queen Chrysalis, Changelings, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance
Length: 3387

"My lawyer says you get to keep one."

Divorces can lead to some awkward situations, especially if said divorce happens on the same day as a wedding - two to be precise.

We all know these problems: Meeting your former wife at the market, lawyers, the whole business with children. And now, Shining Armor is going to experience the latter when a Changeling-Pony hybrid falls upon his doorstep. His, to be precise, the result of the short lived marriage between him and Princess Cadance Queen Chrysalis.

Can Shining Armor hide the infant from Cadance, hold together his marriage and deal with the lustful advances of an ambassador from a violent country with a goal of Realm domination?

Maybe, maybe not. Should be fun to watch though.

Preread by TheWraithWriter, and may or may not be inspired by a story made by aforementioned author.

Published 2014-12-16 03:20:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-12-16 03:20:06 UTC

The Child On The Doorstep

The smell of rancid meat permeated the air throughout the cavernous halls of the grand Hive-Spire of Queen Chrysalis' domain, beyond the Equestrian Wastelands in a land where no Equine had ever visited.

Well, at least without becoming food.

In the deceptive depths of the spire, the incubation chamber boomed and quivered pure emotion to the sleeping Changeling drones, some matured and some still maturing. They still laid in there, resting in their small hexagonal alcoves, faintly strirring in their maturative slumber as The Mother of Them All moved past them, a skittish Changeling Drone obediently following her with a tinge of fear surrounding it.

"Tell me, young courier," The Changeling Queen droned out, her emerald eyes narrowed and darting back to the apprehensive drone following her. "What exactly was this letter you wished to... Regale me with?" She said, her tone placidly venomous. The Changeling shrunk before her, it's eyes quickly darting to the still sleeping Changeling drones.

"A-Are you sure this should be spoken in the presence of so many?" It hissed out, eyes looking up at her with an attempt at a guarded expression. "These Changelings may be asleep, but they may still be able to hear." It said.

The Queen gave a low chuckle, giving the courier an expression that would have looked motherly if not for the expression held within her eyes, showing a cunning and sadistic intelligence within them. "Why, young Polyergus," She said, recievung a fearful wince as the Changeling's name was revealed. "These are my chosen children, and they must know everything I know." She said, a wide grin appearing on her face. "Don't you agree?"

Polyergus nodded quickly, a feeble attempt of a smile on its face. "Y-Yes, of course!" It said, quickly grabbing a letter from a small saddlebag, the letter holding a green clasp and seal of melted ink proudly emblazoned on it, a stylized Changeling head decorating it. "This message is from, erm, your Master of Spies and L-"

"She's not my lover." Chrysalis quickly interjected, gaining a confused expression from Polyergus.

"I... I wasn't going to say that." It said, raising an eyebrow slightly in befuddlement, gaining a small nod from Chrysalis.

"Good, because she isn't." She said simply, waving a hoof slightly. "Now, go on."

The Changeling Courier gave her a somewhat confused expression for a few moments before returning its gaze to the letter and spoke in a somewhat slower voice. "Erm, anyways, this is from your Lawyer, Polyct." It said, putting emphasis on the word Lawyer. Seeing that the Queen wasn't going to correct it in any way, it continued. "She writes that..." Its eyes overlooked the letter again, blinking in surprise at the wording of the letter.

"Yes, yes, what does Polyct write?" Chrysalis said in an annoyed voice. Polyergus cleared its throat, and looked up at Chrysalis.

"She writes that you must give up one of your children to the Crystal Empire." It said, giving an expression of pure terror, as if to say "Don't hurt me, I'm the messenger!".

"WHAT!?" Chrysalis sputtered in rage, forcibly grabbing the letter from the telekinetic grasp of Polyergus, her eyes overlooking the letter in fury. "'Due to you and Shining Armor having been shortly married, before the abrupt divorce'," Chrysalis looked aside from the letter and spat out a globule of acidic phlegm. "'Divorce'!" She crowed out angrily, rolling her eyes. "How is leaving me for that Alicorn skank and blasting me out of the city with a blast of magic count as a 'divorce'?"

"Uuuuuum...." Polyergus brought up, feeling left out for not doing its duty.

"Shut up, you." Chrysalis said venomously as Polyergus cowed before her, while she returned her attention to the letter, quickly scanning the letter and giving out the occasional murmur. "'Equestrian-Changeling biology'... 'The Swarm-Mother and her children of the Thousand Dark'... 'The Equestrian-Coalition Heritage Agreement'... Alright, what is this madness?" Chrysalis snarled, her eyes looking down to the bottom of the letter. "'So, My Queen, you are legally obliged by both the Kingdom of Equestria and associated states, and the Grand Coalition of Changeling Hives to supply the former husband, Shining Armor, at least one of the children made by your short lived union.'" She said, letting out a hiss in disgust. "The gall she has, to tell me, that Imust give away a child, to one of those-those... Those Cattle!" She hissed, her horn sparking off tiny volts of barely restrained magic.

"Well, she isn't saying it, actually." Polyergus brought up meekly. "She's just doing her duty." It said, feeling a stab of fear pierce its heart as Chrysalis stared down at it, eyes filled with spite.

"So, you think you know so much, hmm?" She said, eliciting disturbed stirs from the Changeling drones around her.

Polyergus gulped almost cartoonishly, shivering in fear. "N-No, I-I-I of course would never presume as such!" It said, horrified.

Chrysalis continued staring him down, before giving a small smirk. "I like that." She said with a much kinder tone, shocking the drone solid.

"I-What-Uh, thank you?" It said, confused at the abrupt change in behaviour. Was this a trap of some sorts?

"Tell me, do you owe allegiance to any particular hive?" She asked. A quick silence passed between them, and the courier quickly shook its head. Chrysalis smirked, her smile as sharp as a scimitar. "Good. I hereby call upon you, then, to be my official Adviser in my court. I enjoy those willing to speak freely." She said, letting out a small laugh as the Changelings jaw dropped silently, eyes wide. "Do you object?" She questioned, gaining a quick shaking of its head.

"N-Never, My Queen!" It said, already enthralled into her service. Chrysalis smiled, turning around with a regal air and trotted away, her insectine wings laid against her back.

"Good. In that case, your first duty is to advise me on which of these children should be sent away, to the bastard 'King' of the Crystal Empire." She said casually.

Polyergus winced slightly, evidently seeing she still had rather bitter feelings over the marriage. Its eyes glanced over the countless Changelings laid out in their small alcoves, encased behind a thin green layer of gelatinized emotion. "Well, what is the youngest child?" It questioned. "A young child is of less value to the Hive."

Chrysalis glanced back at her new adviser, a menacing glint in her eye. Polyergus paled slightly, horrified at the momentary idea of having said something to offend its new Queen. These fears were dashed as Chrysalis smirked before a low laugh echoed throughout her. "Oh Polyergus, you're mind is so wicked!" She crowed, nodding. "Yes, a young child is of no consequence. A lost opportunity, maybe, but better than losing one I have already began to ensnare to my will." She said with a smile, overlooking the youngest of her brood. Her eyes glanced across one in particular, her smiled expression quickly changing into a grimace of disgust. "I hope we dispose of this one!"

Polyergus cocked its head, striding next to Chrysalis and seeing the child in question, rearing back in fear. "Why is it still here to begin with?" He questioned, gaining an uncaring shrug from its Queen.

"Morbid amusement, perhaps." She said, glancing over at Polyergus. "So, it shall leave?" She asked, as if needing its approval.

Polyergus nodded in quick agreement, refusing to look at the child in question. "Yes, without a doubt. This... thing cannot stand amongst the Changelings any longer."

Chrysalis nodded, smiling. "Good. Now, find me the Marabūn. They have a task set out for them..."

The moon shined above the Crystal Empire, glinting off beams of reflected light. Aside from the rare Crystal Pony trotting down the crystalline streets the city was silent, with numerous citizens either sleeping or doing activities in their own abodes.

The only exception to this quiet tranquility was at the Anhrydrite Palace, with the sound of shouting and excitement flying out for miles. The reason for this grand celebration was rather simplistic, as the Saddle Arabian delegation had arrived and they were renowned throughout the realms for their rather 'extravagant' celebrations. Right now, a grand banquet and celebration was underway, with the various dancers also performing a 'ballet' of sorts, telling the history of the rise of the Saddle Arabian Constitution, when the first Regal Leaders rebelled against their treacherous Apephis masters. Streamer lined dancers deftly dodged masked dancers, their expressions that of exaggerated horror and anger, while the silent warriors 'battled' them to the adulation of various nobles.

Shining Armor was not one of these adulated nobles. He was near a banquet table, slowly sipping from a glass of Maretonian Champagne- A curious addition to the banquet, due to the long standing rivalry between Maretonia and Saddle Arabia, but a drink was a drink.

He noticed in a corner the male Saddle Arabian delegate, a suave and brazen furred stallion in ruby and chrome attire by the name of Quintos, aside with his wife. He lightly gripped the forehoof of the slightly blushing princess, and spoke a short few words to her that were impossible to hear over the large distance. She averted her eyes, noticing Shining Armor watching dryly. She blushed deeper and took away her hoof from the delegate, and gave a hasty apology (possibly), before turning her attention to Shining Armor, taking care to not stride through the dancers paths. She walked up to Shining Armor, smiling. "Wonderful dancers, aren't they?" She said, trying to avoid the topic of Quintos.

Shining Armor shrugged, taking a sip from his drink. "I suppose." He admitted, not bringing up the fact that he didn't actually care for the dancers extravagant story told without words, a trait he'd held from the days his mother had dragged him and his sister to the grand Canterlot Ballets and Operas.

He preferred for a story to be told, straightforward, not danced around. Fittingly, this rather straightforward lifestyle seemed to conflict with Cadance's more outgoing nature. How she'd fallen for him was still something he struggled to understand, but didn't regret.

Although if the recent weeks were any sign, she might have been beginning to.

Cadance smiled at him with usual charming smile, overlooking him. "You look rather nice tonight." She complimented, gaining a smile from the guard. "Well, I couldn't come out looking like a slob on the night our delegates arrived." He said with a shrug. "And you look rather nice yourself."

And it was true. Whereas Shining Armor simply wore the red and white uniform of his wedding, Cadance wore a uniform that was a nice mix of Crystal Empire and Saddle Arabian culture, with a translucent pink veil covering her eyes, and a jeweled saddle and hoofshoes, as well as a regal crystal chest plate with extravagant designs embroidered in gold.

Cadance smiled and nodded in agreement. "Oh yes, it is rather nice isn't it? It was made by Rarity weeks in advance. The things that girl can make is nothing short of incredible." She said cheerfully, and continued to talk about Twilight and her friends. He listened only half-attentively however as his attention somewhat broken by the female Saddle Arabian delegate, an ebony mare regaled in blue and violet who went by the name of Domitilla. Her golden eyes were focused on him as she stood in the shadows behind Cadance by a few dozen yards. She eyed him attentively, her snout ending in a small smirk while she licked her lips lasciviously, a forehoof raised and inviting him forwards, while her lips moved silently.

"Come for me."

"Shining?"

Shining Armor shook his head, his attention struck back to Cadance who was looking at him with a somewhat urgent expression. "Shining, are you okay?" She asked, a tinge of concern illustrating her voice. Shining's eyes quickly darted upwards back to the shadows- nothing was there.

Shining shook his head, letting out a soft sigh. "I think I just... I just need to take a walk." He said, gaining a nod from his wife.

"You do look like you need some air." She admitted, giving him a small kiss on the cheek.

Shining Armor smiled and put aside the glass on the table and walked into the depths of the castle, the sounds of cheering and partying muffled slightly through the crystal walls of the palace. He let out a deep sigh, running a hoof down his face and through his mane. "Damnit, why didn't I tell her of her?" He muttered sourly, his mind in conflict.

After all, the gestures and flirts from the delegate were just that: flirts! Nothing substantial. And who knows, perhaps that was some kind of Saddle Arabian tradition? That would certainly explain the advances of Quintos.

Giving that line of thought more investigation, Shining Armor discovered that even if that were the case, it still didn't satisfy him. How could it?

Shining Armor let out an aggravated sigh, idly rubbing his eyes. "Damnit, why do I have to be so stupid?"

"M'lord?"

Shining Armor spun around in surprise, letting out a small sigh. "Oh, it's just you, Petals." He said in relief, smiling.

Before him stood a rather average looking Crystal Pony, rather blunt features. Her skin was a shining azure with an ever-shifting shimmer over it, while her eyes of flint grey focused clearly on Shining Armor. This was 'Petal Dancer', one of the many servants of the Palace and certainly the most hard working. She was wearing a duo of saddlebags almost overflowing with various muffins: Chocolate, Grain, Cinnamon, Whole-Wheat, Blueberry. If it were a flavor of muffin, odds were it was there.

"Why do you have so many muffins?" Shining Armor asked in confusion, overlooking her with baffled glances.

The crystalline mare simply shrugged, spilling a chocolate muffin out, which Shining Armor quickly grabbed with his telekinesis. "One of the nobles insisted upon it. 'Ditzy', I believe she was called."

Shining Armor rose an eyebrow but overall shrugged, seeing nothing wrong with it. "Well, it shouldn't affect the festivites that badly... On with your duties, Petal." He said with a smile.

But she did not move. Instead, she stood in the same spot, staring at him with a somewhat concerned expression. One similar to the one Cadance had held.

Shining winced at the memory, gaining Petal's attention. "Are you alright, M'lord?" She asked, gaining a causal wave in response.

"I'm fine, just... Feeling a bit under the weather." He lied, trying to avoid the matter of his marriage. "I'm just taking a little stroll around palace, to get some air." He said.

Petal Dancer glanced at him curiously, but gave a small and understanding nod. "If you say so.." She said. "Are you sure you wish to be alone though?" She asked.

Shining Armor smirked and nodded, taking a small bite of the chocolate muffin. "I'm sure." He said, swallowing lightly. Petal Dancer nodded grudgingly and snapped off a quick salute. "Well, have a nice walk then, M'lord." She said, striding away down the corridor to the main hall.

Shining Armor smiled and turned, walking a few steps before hearing a series of knocks. His head whipped to and fro, confused. "What was that?" He murmured, before focusing on a door, which if memory served right lead outside to the kitchen station-dedicated building, colloquially known as 'The Food Place'.

... Original names were a surprisingly rare thing in the Crystal Empire.

The knocking continued. Shining Armor frowned, walking forwards to the door, his telekinetic grip grasping onto the door handle, turning it and revealing the outside night world to him.

There was nothing outside.

Well, no, that wasn't entirely true. Before him was a small basket made of wicker fibres, finely woven together. A small dark black mass stirred lightly within. Before he could find out what that was, a small slip of paper slowly drifted downwards, landing on top of the basket. Shining Armor quickly placed the muffin in the basket and picked up the letter, feeling his blood turn to ice at the words before him.

My lawyer says you got to keep one.

I forgot what his/her name is.

Love Queen C

Shining Armor looked down at mass in the basket, quietly devouring a small muffin. The diminutive changeling-pony hybrid looking up at him with wide blue eyes, just like his and a mop of brackish blue hair covering its head, the two features holding more than a passing resemblance to his own.

The Changeling blinked its eyes and continued munching on the small chocolate muffin, eyes filled with a child like curiosity.

"... Why did I place the muffin in there?" He murmured quietly,  unable to think of anything else for some inane reason. The young Changeling giggled cutely, looking up at him happily.

"Moo-Fin?" It said curiously, attempting to repeat the word.

"Shiny?" A voice said in the distance, filling his veins with a new kind of fear:

Cadance was coming. He couldn't possibly explain this to her, at least without causing some kind of a panic.

He needed to hide the child.

Shining Armor darted his head to and fro, looking down at the child. Quickly, he grabbed the note and stuffed it into his mouth, gulping it down before lifting the basket. Apparently the bright green mass was some sort of gelatinous substance, and it was safe to assume it was sticky to some degree. Shining Armor gulped, and noticed the blanket underneath the young Changeling.

It looked up at him with curious eyes, quickly hidden as the blanket quickly ensnared the child in a firm but safe wrap, even letting out a curious "huh?". Just to be safe, he also snapped shut the lid of the basket and turned around just to see Cadance walk up to him. "Oh, hello honey." He said quickly, trying to hold a casual tone and appearance. "How are you?" He asked.

Cadance seemed somewhat taken aback, blinking in surprise. "Erm, I'm fine." She said, clearly not expecting this. "It's just been... I saw Petal Dancer, and she said you were feeling a bit sick. Is everything okay?"

Shining bit back a curse, but waved a forehoof. "Oh, it's alright. Like I said some fresh air was all I needed." He replied, smiling, praying the Changeling would be quite. Cadance rose an eyebrow, noticing the basket. "Oh, what's that?"

"Oh, this?" He said, nonchalantly. "Just some-"

For a split second, a curtain flickered in his mind and blocked his thoughts. He paused for but a second before speaking up. "Just some pie." He said with a shrug. "Nothing important."

"Oh, I love Pie!" Cadance said with a smile, her horn glowing around the basket, slowly starting to pull on the lid.

"No!" Shining Armor yelped, shocking Cadance into inaction, staring at him wide-eyed. He cleared his throat, and spoke in a more 'inside' voice. "I mean, no, don't. I mean, with all the food from the banquet... It would be a waste to start on the pie, and not finish." He said with a shrug.

Cadance gave him a wary glance but slowly nodded. "I... guess...." She admitted. "Later?" She said with a conspiratorial smile.

"Later." He said, returning the smile. He let out a quiet gasp as Cadance gave him a quick hug, smiling. "I love you, Shiney." Cadance quietly whispered.

For a single, terrible heartbeat, Shining Armor was silent.

"I love you too." He replied, nuzzling her lightly.

Cadance slowly let go, still smiling. "Anyways, I just came to make sure you were alright." She said, smiling. "Are you still going to go on your walk?"

"Yes." Shining Armor said with a nod. "But not for too much longer, I promise." He said with a smile.

Cadance nodded, and turned around down the hall. "I'll see you in a bit, then!" She called out.

"Alright!" Shining Armor replied, watching her walk down the hall. The second she turned the corner, he let out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding and opened the basket lid and unrolled the blanket, looking down at the small Changeling child, who was blinking in momentary confusion.

"What am I going to do with you?" He murmured.