I have begun to wonder; I have begun to think deeply. I usually push aside the urges to cause glorious chaos and remind myself that I have changed, but lately, lately it persists, and the question has impregnated my thoughts: "Am I not what I am supposed to be?"
As far as I can recall, I was birthed alongside the sisters Celestia and Luna, perhaps not from the same source, but with them from the start, meant to be the Yang to their Yin, the chaos to their harmony. I have been the God of Chaos for as long as I have existed, and often I am impressed to believe that that is why I exist: to be the chaos incarnate. I even have all of the magical powers and mental stature to accompany it, so it must be my purpose. I can see no other reason that I might exist, so that must be it.
If so, then why have I submitted to the warm charm of friendship? If I am the embodiment a characteristic so contrary, why do I feel bad when Fluttershy frowns, or raises her voice? That is chaos, and I am chaos, so I should thrive by it, yet I wilt in all statures. Why? How much have I deviated from my original self?
Have I betrayed my original purpose, or have I moved onto something greater? Sure, a rose by any other name is still a rose; that is not my issue. I am still the God of Chaos, but that is just it. I may be called by that name, I may still look the part, but I don't really live up to the title, now do I? A rose by any other name is still a rose, but is a rose that smells like lavender still a rose, or is it lavender? Does it deserve to be called a rose if it isn't fulfilling the requirements?
I guess I am just having an identity crisis. Am I still a rose? Or, am I assuming the form of lavender? Do I deserve the title I have?
I had these thoughts once before, when Tirek returned. I succumbed and reverted to my old self: the chaos incarnate. I was happy for a short time, and then I was reminded of what my old self lacked, something my new self had grown somewhat dependent on: friendship. Tirek gave me what he called a sign of gratitude and loyalty, and then he turned around and cast me aside. I was then reminded of the importance of friendship when Twilight gave me full forgiveness and sacrificed what seemed to be the fate of Equestria in return for her friends, and me. I was her friend. I handed over Tirek's fake sign of loyalty to her, and it was used to unlock powerful magic that was in turn used to defeat Tirek and reclaim Equestria. Witnessing that friendship-fueled extravaganza was the final brick in the rebuilt wall of my new, less chaotic self.
But now, I am here again, and I am once again questioning my life choices. It all returns to that one question: "How can I be the God of Chaos and have my friendship at the same time?" Compromise can only go so far. I am starting to become scarily certain that there really is no way to have both. This fence is to thin to sit on. It will just as soon slice me in half.
I am starting to go in distressed circles. Am I really the God of Chaos? Is that really my purpose, or is it just assumed? Is it something that is passed on? If so, then I am debating retiring immediately and handing the duty on to someone else, but I do so love my magic...
And there it is again! How long can I live like this? I may just explode! I want to have both, but how can I? I need to calm down, to once again be happy with the compromises set in place.
But how can I? I am the God of Chaos! But, I am also bound by friendship. Bound.... is that the right word? I can't decide which side is liberation, and which side is slavery. Can a rose even become lavender, or are we all doomed to be chained down by old habits that die hard? There it is again! I am bound by friendship, and chained down by old habits. Were is the liberation then? Where is the true purpose? Perhaps I am looking at this the wrong way. Both sides are liberating, yet restrictive in their own ways. Do I look at the positive, or the negative? Which of the two masters should I serve? Should I serve the one who has been there from the start, or the new master, the one who is so much nicer?
That is it then! I most definitely want the friendship, but I feel as though I can't due to the ties I have to my old self and my original purpose. You would think that a god could figure this out faster! But, I still need to take a step back, take a step back and look at the big picture. What do I want? What do I not want? I want to keep my friends, and I would love to keep my magical abilities, but I don't want to be tied to a title and reputation that doesn't quite suit me anymore.
I have started to figure it out, yet I still have so many questions. It's times like this when I seek out Fluttershy... Well, there is nothing stopping me, now is there?
Fluttershy's counsel never disappoints. She is the kindest, and the wisest, a truly irreplaceable friend. What she had to say is all the help I may ever need again.
Her wisdom: Discord, things are constantly changing. God of Chaos means something different today than it did yesterday. You may always be the God of Chaos, but that doesn't mean you have to be chaotic. You can be anything you wish to be, and let your actions speak louder than any title or false reputation can. Your deeds should control what you are called, not the other way around. You are the God of Chaos, but the way I see it is that you are called that because of what you can do, not because of what you actually do. I'm proud of you Discord. I haven't had to deal with any situation like this, but I can tell that it is a very difficult situation. Remember that I will always be here to help you.
The more I think about it, the more it sinks in and connects to everything. She is right. I should view my title as a reference to my abilities rather than my intentions, which have changed. I don't really have any obligations, do I? Just because I am a god of sorts, doesn't mean I can't change like everypony else. I have changed quite a bit already, and beneath the layers of it all, I am truly happy with that change. It is all a frame of mind, isn't it?
Thank you, Fluttershy. You are truly the best friend that anyone could ever have.
