Fall of Equestria: Some Jackholes Gotta Learn Da Hard Way

by kildeez

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3256

King Dainn has launched his all-out attack against Equestria. Big mistake.

The caribou have invaded Equestria with the sole purpose of enslaving its mares. *sighs* Some assholes gotta learn da hard way...

Published 2014-12-16 17:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-12-16 17:10:02 UTC

The One and Only Chapter

Twilight glared at the horizon. Her friends stood at her side, except for Spike, who had decided to become a conscientious objector for this battle, which was perfectly fine, nopony was gonna give him any shit for it. Except Big Mac. He’s kind of a dick when it comes to those things.

The Elements of Harmony all maintained their death glares at the numerous little figures moving on the horizon, descending upon the tiny village with an enthusiasm that could only be described as ravenous. After a few minutes, Twilight’s horn started vibrating and ringing.

“Ugh, really?” Rainbow Dash groaned. “Way to ruin the mood, bookworm.”

“Oh, fuck off, you walking gay-pride flag,” Twilight replied with a good-natured grin as she tapped her horn and Celestia herself popped up in her view. The six mares all saluted their ruler.

“Report,” Celestia stated.

“Madam, the Elements of Harmony are gathered and ready,” Twilight replied. “The town is fortified, the populace has readied themselves, and every mare has puckered their asshole.”

“Are they properly puckered?”

“I’ve tested them all myself, ma’am,” she replied, still saluting, still with that patriotic, awesome glare in her eyes. “A power drill hooked up to a nuclear reactor couldn’t penetrate them now.”

“And did you like this testing?” Celestia asked.

“I tried very hard not to, ma’am.”

“Good,” Celestia nodded her approval, maintaining her stoic glare. “I have just exited the final negotiations with King Dainn and his army.”

“And?”

At this, Celestia’s glare darkened. “He said he would go easy on me if I pulled on a slave collar and sucked him off the moment he arrived, but that he made no guarantees for Luna.”

Upon hearing that, every single mare glowered. Applejack tightened and flexed her bucking legs. Rainbow Dash worked her wings. Fluttershy’s teeth ground together as she whispered for her animals to “go for the balls.” Twilight’s mane partially ignited. Rarity’s hind leg kicked out behind her so hard that a pedophile two towns over was rendered permanently sterile. And Pinkie just stood up on her hind legs, cracked her knuckles, and muttered “Some niggas gotta learn da hard way.”

By now, the caribou army was closing in on the town, their weapons at the ready. The mares could see, with no small amount of revulsion, that some of them had large erections for what they almost certainly assumed would be a massive orgy to celebrate their victory. The fact that most of this orgy would be non-consensual only stoked the flames of the ponies’ burning rage. A growl rumbled up Twilight’s throat.

“Twilight?” Celestia asked, her little view still hovering before them.

“Yes, Princess?”

Celestia pointed at the advancing army. “Sic ‘em.”

With a snarl, Twilight descended upon the advancing horde, grabbing the first erection she spotted in her teeth, and tearing it right off the offending caribou’s body with a single twist in her neck. The other caribou all paused and gawped. Obviously, they had not been expecting resistance like this.

Spitting up blood and chunks of one of the smaller penises she had ever seen (even compared to Spike’s, and remember, he’s still a baby), Twilight turned to her friends. “Give ‘em hell, girls!”

The ensuing splatterfest would be remembered for ages to come. Songs would be written about it, each more graphic than the last, but none even coming close to doing justice to the absolute slaughter that occurred in that little village that fateful day.

Upon hearing Twilight’s call, Rainbow Dash simply licked her lips. “I’m supposed to be the good guy, so I’m gonna try real hard not to enjoy this,” she whispered. “No guarantees, though.”

She promptly took off at hypersonic speed, pulling off a quadruple-sextuple-mega-ultra-death-fucking rainboom with extra sprinkles. In the air, the result would have been a sight so dazzling it would have caused some ponies to gouge out their eyeballs, for everything afterwards would appear so incredibly dull and boring when compared to it. As it was, it promptly liquefied the very heart of the caribou army, turning their mass into a tidal wave of gore and blood that would have made Quentin Tarantino cringe.

Fluttershy, for her part, could only think of one thing: helping the helpless. She marched right at the front lines of the oncoming army, her animals gnawing the balls off any caribou stupid enough to so much as give her a passing glance. Upon reaching a large tent in the caribou rear, she encountered a pair of caribou guards that promptly raised their spears, one of them accidentally clipping off a strand of her mane as he bought his weapon around. This would be the most grievous injury any of the Element Bearers would suffer in the battle for Ponyville. After this, Fluttershy unleashed a Stare upon them so powerful that they both immediately threw themselves upon their spears to escape it. She then marched into the tent and freed the enslaved caribou mares being held there, selecting the most beautiful and bountiful of them and promptly making passionate, sweet, lesbian love to her right then and there. Like a badass.

“You little slut, when I get my hooves on you I’ll teach you your place while I’m fucking…” a caribou sneaking up on the mares managed to say before Applejack bucked him in the scrotum so hard his testicles shattered his teeth on their way out his mouth. Already, her hind hooves had turned the caribou front lines into a slurry of blood and guts, and now she made her way to the caribou rear, where upon discovering Fluttershy making love to that caribou mare, promptly joined in, creating a menage a trois so unbelievably hot that every caribou stallion within two miles had to stop what they were doing and watch, allowing them to be sliced down where they stood. It’s cool though, they didn’t mind. Upon seeing a threesome that hot, there really wasn’t much else they could have wanted to see.

Rarity immediately went full super-saiyan and pulled off enough martial arts prowess to make Bruce Lee shed tears of joy inside his grave. To even begin trying to describe the sheer amount of ass-kicking that surrounded her, one would have to imagine every fight scene from every Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, and Donnie Yen movie, combined with every kick and punch from both The Raid: Redemption and The Raid: Part 2 compressed into every single second that she fought. To the caribou in the front, it was a whirlwind of death and destruction from which there was no escape. To the caribou in the back, it was fucking awesome.

Pinkie, during all this excitement, disappeared into a tent on the far side of the field, occasionally dragging a caribou into it with a smile on her face that could only be described as the epitome of evil. To this day, nopony is sure what she did in there, although the occasional scream and “Nuh-uh, ain’t done with you yet, white-boy,” could be heard from the tent all throughout the battle.

I’m not even going to describe what Twilight did. Let’s just say it involved a wooden nutcracker, a plastic spork, some Nutella, and five pairs of shoes from the warehouse next to the battlefield. Let’s also just say Twilight is one fucked up mare, and should probably get some professional help.

By this time, the rest of the mares of Ponyville had joined into the orgy of violence that had become the caribous’ collective faces. Carrot Top used her carrots as throwing darts, Derpy annihilated entire ranks of caribou just by flying overhead and accidentally plowing into shit, even Berry Punch managed to get her drunk ass off the couch and belch into some caribou faces, her breath being a mixture so toxic that they all immediately took their own lives rather than suffer through it’s complete effects. As they threw themselves at the caribou ranks, Trixie popped up with a bandsaw to show off her latest trick: making the heads of a few dozen caribou disappear. Finally, a few of the local stallions joined in.

“Hey, quit hogging all the fun!” Big Mac laughed as he crushed a couple skulls beneath his hooves. “Us stallions want some too!”

“Say, you guys ain’t half bad,” Rainbow remarked, pausing in caving in caribou faces long enough to send a single nod of acknowledgement their way, AKA the highest compliment she could ever pay another pony.

“Well, duh! We’ve fought changelings, Discord, Sombra, and a whole host of other crap! What have these guys been fighting the past thousand years? A bunch of defenseless mares?” Soarin snorted as he and Spitfire paused in making out with Rainbow just long enough to annihilate an entire caribou platoon. “Like an army of dudes that have to rape to get some could last against real stallions.”

“This is taking too long,” Twilight grumbled. “I want this to be over with in time to send a 5:00 report to Princess Celestia.”

“Dude, you’re still hung up on that?” Rainbow Dash asked between the orgasms Soarin and Spitfire were giving her, and in between the almost mindless hoof-punches she was using to crack caribou skulls left and right. “Remember last time you got hung up on…”

“I want to send a 5:00 report, Rainbow! Not a 5:01 or a 5:02, a 5:00!” Twilight screeched, her eye twitching. With that, her horn sent up a flare, putting out a call to the badasses of the universe. Commander Hurricane rose from his grave to join in. Teddy Roosevelt, Simo Hayha, and Audie Murphy all appeared, clawing their way up from the deepest pits of hell where they had spent the past decades kicking Satan’s ass to join in, Teddy with a pair of nickel-plated revolvers, Simo with his custom-made Mosin-Nagant, and Murphy with his Thompson. Then Legolas and Darth Vader appeared side-by-side, Legolas already firing arrows while Vader sent entire columns of caribou flying with the Force. Jack Harkness, Benedict Cumberbatch, and Neo showed up in their charisma +20 trench coats of awesomeness, and the Doctor (both the pony and the humanoid versions) wasn’t far behind. Finally, the caribou were routed just as the author realized that his fic had devolved into an incoherent mass of pop culture and historical references, and that if he didn’t stop, he risked his own sanity.

“Welp, I failed,” Rainbow Dash said. “That was way too much fun for me to not enjoy it.” She landed next to her friends with Soarin and Spitfire still clinging to her legs AS THEY FUCKING SHOULD. Seriously, Rainbow’s the one who saves Equestria on a weekly basis, the Wonderbolts are the ones who got pwned like little bitches after flying around a dragon for a couple minutes, and they have the balls to meet her eye and lord rank over her whenever she pops up at their academy? What the fuck?

“I’d have to agree,” Twilight said, ending her makeout session with Simo and Teddy long enough to send all the assorted badasses back to their own worlds. “Now, where’s Trixie? I need to scream at something while simultaneously fucking it.”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie will only agree to this so long as you allow her to steal a lock of your hair for her shrine!” Trixie’s voice hollered from behind a pile of dead caribou.

“How about instead, I ignore the fact that you have a creepy stalker-shrine devoted to me and we call it even?”

“Eh, alright.”

Soon, the ponies all gathered in the town center, looking out over the piles of bodies, and also gazing over the line of prisoners being led off the battlefield. “We can start deprogramming them immediately,” Fluttershy noted, her head poking out from under the super hot lesbian horse pile that she had started. “I’m sure underneath that brainwashing they’ve been subjected to are some good stallions.”

“Speaking of brainwashing…” Rarity said, filing some blood out from under her hoof. “Where is that scoundrel, King Dainn? I think it would be best to teach him a thing or two about speaking of the princesses in the manner he did.”

The group found him, cowering beneath a pile of his dead soldiers, quivering and whimpering pathetically. Rolling her eyes, Twilight plucked him up in her magic and held the caribou lord up like the pansy-ass bitch he was. At seeing all the mares around him, Dainn regained some of that haughty old defiance like the dumbass he was and sneered. “I don’t know how you bested my brainwashing magic…”

Twilight interrupted him right there. “Oh please, you guys have been gone a thousand years! Magic has accelerated way forward in that time! Wondering how we’re countering it right now is like wondering how an M1 Abrams could counter a spear.”

“Besides, the whole idea sounds kinda dumb t’me,” Big Mac added eloquently. “Just brainwashing somepony to completely forget about their own thoughts and desires in favor of becoming a slave jus’ like that? Sounds more like somepony’s idea for an overwrought, drawn-out rapefic.”

Everypony nodded their agreement as King Dainn’s face turned red. “This isn’t the last of us! The caribou will destroy you and see to it that every mare knows their rightful place, bowing at the hooves of…”

And that’s where everypony just tuned his dumb ass out, instead favoring thoughts about peace, love, and really, really hard love in the case of Lyra (who’s another fucked-up mare, lemme tell ya, not as fucked-up as Twilight but still). Then, finally, Twilight received another call on her two-way horn communicator, opening up to find Luna’s face hovering before her.

“Princess,” she saluted as the other ponies bowed, with King Dainn still ranting about some sexist bullshit or another in the background. “Ponyville is secure, as well as the virginity/innocence of any and all mares in our vicinity.”

“Very good, but I come with dire news,” Luna said, ignoring the stallions giggling at her saying ‘come.’ “Not every village was as lucky as Ponyville, you see.”

The ponies all gasped as Dainn snickered. Twilight played hacky-sack with his balls a bit to get him to shut up, then turned back to the Princess. “Who did this!? We’ll raise his head on a pike and turn his skin into lampshades! We’ll cut off his penis and shove it down his throat, then tear out his eyeballs and turn them around so he can watch himself die!”

The ponies all fell silent. “Jesus Twilight, tone it down a bit,” Rainbow said, then promptly shoved her tongue back down Spitfire’s throat.

“Yeah, seriously, what are ya? Charles Manson’s smaller, purple-er cousin?” Luna added. “Anyway, you don’t have to worry about it, my little ponies. I’m off to handle this myself as we speak. ‘Tis my sister you should be worried about.”

“Why? What’s wrong with Princess Celestia?” Fluttershy asked.

A shiver of pure fear raced up the Princess’s spine, visibly shaking her as she turned a vacant, thousand-yard stare on the ponies. “She activated the Molestia protocol,” she said in a voice so gravelly it made Christian Bale as Batman sound like Barney the Dinosaur.

The mares all gasped, as did the stallions. “No…” Rarity swooned. Big Mac converted to Catholicism just so he could immediately cross himself. Fluttershy galloped back to her hut to hide any animal with orifices large enough to fit a griffon’s fist. All the ponies immediately gathered up the remaining caribou prisoners and outfitted them with chastity belts for their own safety, if only to delay the inevitable.

King Dainn watched in confusion, unable to fight back as he too was outfitted with a chastity belt. Then, considering, the mare locking the belt onto him gave him a hammer, wrapping one of his hooves around the handle and giving a squeeze. “If she reaches you, do yourself a favor: don’t let her take you alive,” she informed him.

The king snorted. “As if some rainbow-maned whore could ever…”

Suddenly, a massive crack filled the sky, a bright, white light slamming into the middle of the battlefield. Pure magical energy and weaponized lust rolled off the figure standing before them, so potent that everypony within a mile of the figure started spontaneously making out. Molestia walked out of the cradle she had formed, a bit of spittle at the corner of her mouth, her pure magenta mane waving in some unseen wind.

She levelled her gaze upon the caribou lord, currently beating himself over the head repeatedly with a hammer, and grinned. "The hammer! It does nothing!" He wailed as Molestia licked her lips.

“Looks like somepony’s gon’ get raped tonight,” she whispered. And then she was upon him

EPILOGUE

That one rape which summoned Molestia, the only rape successfully committed by the caribou during the entire invasion of Equestria, was in a small farm village just outside Canterlot. Upon arriving, Luna swooped down upon the village with a vengeance and roundhouse kicked the offending caribou in the face so hard that Chuck Norris’s testicles shrank a micrometer from a universe away. However, it was quickly discovered that the victim had harbored a long-standing rape fantasy, and had purposefully wandered behind caribou lines for the soul purpose of living it out. That caribou and mare are now happily married and have 2.5 children, their first child having been born a half-child because of the epic ass-whooping its father had received during conception.

Molestia would soon be tamed and lured back into the deep, dark pit of Celestia’s subconscious using a few pairs of panties, a couple dozen of Ponyville’s residents in BDSM wear (ESPECIALLY Rainbow Dash), a thirty-gallon drum of Vaseline, a vibrator the size of Milwaukee, and a Daring-Do plushie. Do NOT ask what they had to do with that plushie. I told my buddy Mike about it, and he still goes to bed with a metal plate locked over his ass. So you don’t wanna know. Anyway, Celestia returned to her throne to reign over a thousand years of peace, harmony, friendship, and friendship with benefits.

King Dainn, after being forced to spend an hour with Molestia, would castrate himself later that night. When asked why, he simply said: “Because my little Dainn has experienced all there is to experience, and wished to die in peace.” The next day he took a vow of celibacy and became a monk.

The ponies of Equestria would soon return to their happy, innocent, care-free lives, having happy, innocent, care-free consensual sex with each other and their newfound caribou friends. The caribou that weren’t total rapist pieces of shit, that is. The others had punji sticks rammed up their assholes, because fuck ‘em. But for the most part, the ponies of Equestria lived long and happy lives alongside the caribou that had chosen to integrate with them, gleefully playing innocently with their new friends. Except for Lyra. That little freak is way into S&M: even pops into town wearing a gimp mask every now and again. Can you believe that shit? I mean, I’m all for love and tolerance, but there are foals in that town, for fuck’s sake! Seriously girl, keep it behind closed doors. Goddamn pervert.

Ah well, different bones for different pones, I guess.

Author's Note

Written due to the unfortunate lack of Fall of Equestria trollfics and boredom. I own nothing. I apologize for nothing. Of FoE, I have read nothing. And I regret nothing. *dies*