A Fantastic Construction of Mortal and Myth

by Regina Wright

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 3178

Celestia writes and does not send those letters to Twilight to aid in her Princesshood. Mostly because her old sensibilities does not translate well to modern day standards.

Princess Celestia writes letters, notes and half-thoughts intended for Twilight's viewing pleasure but often can't bring herself to send one.

(Outside the terrible, terrible accident of her well-meaning servants sending one, the fools. Thank the spirits the Twilight is so gullible, such a faithful student.)

As being a Princess, note the capital P, Celestia has the most experience to walk Twilight down the path of her destiny… But the advice that Celestia has… Simply does not translate well to the modern age.

And so Celestia writes, thinks and cringes as she tries to write a helpful textbook for her darling sucker…

Student.

She means student.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-12-16 22:40:03 UTC

Once Upon A Time In Unicornica (The Practice Letter)

To H.R.H Princess Twilight, Resident of Friendship Spire, Ponyville

From H.R.H Princess Celestia, Resident of Canterlot Castle, Canterlot

Dear Twilight,

I know that you may have concerns as to why I sent this letter through royal courier and not through Spike, our typical means of communication. First, I'd like to remind you to calm yourself. There is no need for alarm. I am not writing to you in distress of some great calamity that I need to call you upon. Instead, I wanted to draw attention to the new relationship that we have to each other now.

As of now, we are no longer teacher and student. Not in the same way as we were before.

By all means, I am not implying that we are ending our previous relationship but that it has taken a new form. We are still teacher and student but I'd like to think it's become more than passing tests and sending letters as you progress through friendship. In a sense, we've moved to another course.

Twilight, you have proven yourself to Equestria countless times and fought great foes that would have certainly caused another to flee in fear. You have ascended through the power of friendship and harmony and now hold a rank that has been desired and envied over the centuries.

You are now a Princess.

Note the Capital P. Very important.

Congratulations.

However, this letter and the many left to come is more of a continuation of our relationship on of an advanced level. Henceforth, I will send letters on a certain subject matter and a suggested activity for the week. You will write back on your interpretations of said subject or any questions you need me to clarify. We'll work our way through the many 'Princessing' lessons I plan to teach you. Consider this letter a practice correspondence for the many we'll be exchanging as I recall the many harsh lessons I had to learn as a Princess in everything but title and true recognition.

Based on both Luna's stern suggestion and Discord's unhelpful and unneeded 'encouragement, I've started this letter, a lesson zero, on a light event in my 'youth' for lack of a better word. Perhaps, you'll even get a chuckle of this moment as I did at the time.

Once upon a long week in Unicornica (the country, not the colony Unicornica that would eventually merge with Pegasopolis and Earth to make Equestria), I foolishly got Luna and myself arrested for the following crimes:

Desecration of three shrines worshiping Azalea.

(A revered figure believed to be the first unicorn and residing deity of old Helm Horn, a seafaring city built along Unicornica's coastline.)

Five accounts of arson and property damage.

(Horribly attributed to me when it was Luna who caused two of the minor forest fires. It may have been my magic but she ruined my perfect aim for the singular blight to society in my mind at the time. A ancient and well-guarded statue of Azalea in the city's square. )

Nonsensical heretical propaganda.

(Azalea wasn't the first unicorn. By all rights, I should be the first unicorn if we are going to use those vague standards to start worshiping corpses. As the ruler of the sun, you would think I would have been worshiped since time immemorial but not so.)

Generally disturbing the peace.

(That's Unicornican speak for not getting on my knees and begging for forgiveness of my foul words plaguing the air, disturbing all the good and faithful citizens. And my freakish existence of being a walking abomination. I should've prayed to my supposed mother for her soul because she did not smother me at birth. That sort of thing.)

(Also, I set the head priest's cloak on fire while I was being was dragged to court. Which was a shame because I was aiming for his hair. Luna jinxed me that day...My aim was terrible.)

Now this letter won't go into detail on the crimes committed or the court hearing. Instead, it will focus on the time we spent in a dungeon after our short and unanimous court hearing.  Actually, after all this time, I'm still confused as to why Luna was arrested. She fought me, fending off all of the other, messy things I was going to do. Kept me from setting the city entirely on fire in a fit. Especially so after she spent all that time testifying against me and disclaiming our relation for a mere three hours of freedom...

I can only assume that it was the old Unicornican law at work i.e. kneel and humiliate yourself for 'mercy'. I think she offended the bailiff or something.

But I do promise to explain why I only managed to damage three of Azalea's shrines and relented my hostile conquest for… Comeuppance. Yes, I stopped for the sake of comeuppance… It's a story for a later time.

Most of what I will speak about, I'm afraid you won't have the resources to double-check as most of this predates the founding of Equestria, the Pre-Classical Era and the initial exploration of this continent we live on this very day. So I will quickly recite some background history to shed some light on the connection between this long-lost past and modern-day Equestia. Careful! This might be important later.

Back in those days, unicorns had 'recently' gained the terrible and ugly habit of naming their settlements, towns and cities something unicorn-related. Yes, this is indeed something that has happened. History has it's foibles at times. They did this to invoke their precious Azalea's protection. To save themselves trouble, they'd usually name a whole area Unicor-something and then come up with proper names for the rest.

After all, had they named everything 'unicorn' as vainly as could, how could anyone find anywhere?

(And on a random note, I love bureaucracy. Papers sent there, deals made over there and everyone on their toes on the possibility of a single error printed and archived sends them all in a tizzy. An average hard-working pony may scoff at the paper-work and drive but no one understands how far, far efficient it was compared to Unicornica.)

I write this as someone who has live through a period where unicorns though themselves clever and named everything Unicor-something and only changed the spellings.

The short-lived and most infamous outcome from this need to brand one's existence, Oonneekuurn, did not deserved to have their own farmlands razed by their own soldiers. All due to a simple map error. (Thank the spirits for bureaucracy.) At the time, unicorns claimed it was the work of goat spies from the north that altered their documents but I beg to differ.

Those goats were behind the 'Golden Duck' incident that crippled Unicornica politically. They were far too busy to even consider doing that. I should know, I was the duck but this too will get it's own letter, don't worry.

When the colony Unicornia was founded, the fleeing unicorns got so desperate to name it that truly original name . And of course, they forgot the reasons why a hundred years down the line outside the clever reasoning of general arrogance. Even to this day, that habit of invoking Azalea's protection is still so prevalent by unicorns. They have this habit of feeling the need to remind others of their unicorn status as if the horns sticking out of their heads wasn't good enough.

For the good of all, I should have destroyed more idols of Azalea, more of her shrines and temples dedicated to her freckled, ugly rump when I had the chance but enough about that...

--000---

Locked in our cells with dirt walls hardly kept in firm condition and cheap, rusty chains tying us to the wall, I tried to calm down my frantic sister. She was going on and on about my ruining of her chances. Blabbing obscenities and threats in the adjacent cell. Nothing I could conjure as kind words could placate her as she was so adamant about me purposely following her to spoil her plans.

She was always so full of herself.

"Sister," I cried out, reaching deep in my spirit to create a volume to interrupt her constant and unimportant chatter. Her words were nothing but vile accusations against me. "I did not know that you were in Unicornica nor was I aware you were even in the city." I recited, idly noticing the cell shake from the booming of my voice. "The only reason I came without signaling you was-"

"Shut up!" Luna snapped, her voice hoarse with anger and dramatics. She was puffing herself up. I could tell from her shout. If she had truly been displeased, we wouldn't be talking. Only fighting with hoof and horn. But I wished she could have directed her dour mood elsewhere. The rats running in and out of the decaying bars and the tell-tale screams of other inmates being whipped and tortured needed Luna's attention far more than I did.

"You always ruin everything! You're a liar! You're a three-crossed liar! The one time I take off on my terms, you decide to show up and become a public menace! I was on a quest, you pompous hag! What about the code of conduct for when we take separate quests! We swore! Don't you respect that if you can't respect me!"

"Are you done?" I asked impudently. I'd already gotten bored.

"No! I've lost my chance to steal the holy relic and prove my loyalty to the Order of Constellation..." Luna took in a loud audible breath, I rolled my eyes, and screamed. Her shrill voice shook the ground and the walls. It even caused a cloud of dirt to tremble from off the ceiling and flake across my dainty snout.

"Sister, may the spirits calm that temper of yours." I sighed, heaving my bounded shoulders forward and making quick work through the lousy chains holding me down. These unwashed chains might leave a mark in my fur and I was already thinking about my hoard of valuables I might trade for a good bath. "The only reason why I came to this city because I heard word that they uncovered Saint Amalthea's Divining Ribbon and I wanted to-"

"Steal it back and give it to the nomads of the Ever-lost city? The best natural course of action until we can set up a place where things of historical and powerful importance can be safely placed on display for knowledge and study?"

"What are you going on about? All I want to do is BURN IT." Suddenly, I paused. Luna just said something incredibly stupid and short-sided and I would never miss the chance to call her out on it. I went over her words and decided to go for a chink in her armor.

"Wait," I smirked as I stretched my unshackled body and walked to the bars of my cell. "Didn't you say something about the Order of Constellation? Why are you trying to get into that pathetic secret society of fools? Why, pray tell, do you waste effort on a few fragile earthbound freaks?"

"Don't call them that." Luna growled, wholly caught up in her divine revelation in ponies. I couldn't understand her. Not one bit. We killed the same monsters, stole the same treasure and drank the same mead or even did all three at the same time… But this? This was nonsense.

"Earthbound freaks the whole lot of them." I stood for my conviction as well. “Have they danced amongst the heavens? Drifted amongst the cosmos? Lived to see countless stars and worlds and infinities twinkle out into one oblivion to the next?" I questioned as I forced open the door and walked to Luna's cell. She was also liberated from her chains and stared at me with such a dour expression that I laughed in her face and then I laughed some more.

"Luna," I chuckled. "Getting close to anything with a limited lifespan of about a hundred years will only hurt you in the long run. Mark my words, sister, these ponies will not aid you in your time of need. This is shameful. So desperate for attention that you would bare your neck for… specks in the winds of time. Disgraceful to us all." I said plainly while ignoring Luna's loud rebuttals and declarations that I would one day eat my words.

I ate my words plenty. I liked the taste of ink on monk-bonded paper. Sometimes currency too...

"They may be fleeting and infinitely weaker but there is a wonder in their heart. A promise in their step..." Luna ranted at the end of her biased reverie. "Something they can only experience thanks to this world we reside in. And here we've, and that includes you whether you accept it or not, have seen far more than we ever could on our respective heavenly spheres."

I tuned her out and trotted down the hallways, passing the many unfortunate denizens screaming and shouting for their release and I thought mildly of burning the place down as a show of 'mercy'.

"If you do set this place on fire, you'll burn our stuff they have stored away." Luna spoke from behind me, her swift hooves catching up to my long stride. I walked faster. "Do you even know where you're going?"

"Of course, I do."

"Then you do know that you're going the wrong way?" Luna deadpanned as I reached an actual brick wall. Who designed this place? It's terrible. Did I not deserve a brick wall cell? "We should turn back-"

I charged my horn and blasted a large hole in the ceiling. Releasing the illusion hiding my wings, I unfurled my appendages to take off. I flew up three floors. Creating passageways and scaring the guards that fainted at the sight of me as always. Despite the sounds of stone and iron giving way to the heat of my magic, I could hear my sister's infinitely annoying groans. She kept wincing at the damage I was creating and it was distracting.

"Nevertheless, you're missing the picture. Amalthea's ribbon is in this city. Finally, after all these centuries, I can now finish the job of burning every last shred of her existence from this world. Cheer for you sister. I shall now take our revenge!"

"Are you… Do you… Celestia, my sister, are you still mad at Amalthea?" Luna gasped, stuttering out her obvious glee of the success of my driven crusade against that accursed mare. "It's been years."

"Nine hundred years to be exact." I corrected. "That mare betrayed us… Mostly me but also you. I'm doing this for the both of us."

"There were over a hundred unicorns at that failed ritual for you to fixate on. Why would you single out, dear Amalthea? We were companions with her for about sixty years afterwards! You blessed her grandchild for her when she was on her death bed." Luna grew silent and then- "You fought me for the right!"

"I cursed the child, not blessed. And had you not been in your 'oh look how wonderful and quaint the creatures are' phase, you would have noticed I was no friend. I was a traveling rival looking to show Amalthea up at all times."

"You swore fealty to her bloodline! They all call you 'Aunt'!"

"Luna. Luna. Luna." I clicked my tongue and stopped my ascent so she could see me shaking my head at her. "You're missing the big picture. But I guess, thanks to your loony mind that's all crazy about getting ponies to love you, you missed the undeniable clues of Amalthea's evil."

"Did you hit your head on a falling rock or something?"

"Luuunnaa," I stressed. "I'll make this easy for you. Who are the wise, powerful and immortal ones in this city, let alone this entire country?"

"We are?" Luna guessed. I thought about leaving her to spin. Those ponies… I rolled my eyes again. "If we are just talking about this dungeon. I know for a fact that-"

"Shut up, you're missing the point. We hardly change our forms, have pages upon pages of extraordinary deeds tied to our names… And despite all of our grand, glorious power and ethereal beauty… What do we not have?"

"Is this a trick question?"

"Respect." I said slowly, staring at her. "Power." She didn't seem to get it. "Shrines."

"But what does any of those things have to do with Amalthea?" Luna snorted. "Don't you mildly dislike every mortal creature on this planet? Why in spirits would you care about having those things?"

"Because I don't have them. We done all of these things; fought dragons, saved kingdoms, rescued princes but yet why does no one flock to our banner?"

"Survivor instincts?"

"Sister," I groaned. "Stop being obtuse. Here's a question for your question: Why does Amalthea have some many followers and devotees in the first place?"

"That's easy." Luna's voice picked up into a smug high. She was really clueless. She was lucky to have me as her sister. "She freed the unicorns from their entrapment within the Despairing Wastes and released the Dire King from his curse."

"No, we did that." I muttered. "All she did was cry and pray and that is all everyone will be allowed to remember of her once I'm finished."

After escaping into the city, Luna persuaded me to drop my vendetta. To head south to stay in a pegasi enclave for the summer festival rumored to be hosted there. Pegasi brew of their wines and dews were always a good treat for this time of year. She thought of me as glutton and I suppose she's always been right in that regard. I imagined that Luna was so hasty to get rid of me so she could resume her deluded approach to get into her petty club.

She could do what she wished. I'd said my piece.

But little did she know that I had already released my wraith upon the delivering bearers of the sacred ribbon. Helm Horn lost half of a major forest and the hillside in the resulting crossfire.

It was a good day.

--000---

To H.R.H Princess Twilight Sparkle, Resident of the Friendship Spire, Ponyville

From H.R.H. Princess Celestia, Resident of Canterlot Caster, Canterlot

Dear Twilight,

This is a letter that you will not read. After going over my own words, I have decided not to send this lesson zero because everything that I have done in this story could be taken wildly out of context. Right after I attend to a brief meeting, I will come back and this letter shall be burned.

Later, I will seek consul with Luna and ask her how on earth did I become a ruler over a flourishing kingdom.

--000--

To H.R.H Princess Celestia, Resident of Canterlot Castle, Canterlot

From H.R.H Princess Twilight Sparkle, Resident of the Friendship Spire, Ponyville

Dear Princess Celestia,

Where is the suggested activity?