Hitler vs The Conversion Bureau

by mama13579

Rating: mature
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Adventure
Length: 1314

two genocidal tyrants face-off

When Equestria suddenly appears on the eastern front and begins converting allied and axis soldiers alike into ponies the world is stunned. But one man will rise to face this foe.

I am so so sorry about this I regret EVERYTHING!! This is the result of a bet I lost with a friend. Please do not take this as my endorsing, approving and/or even liking of the Third Reich. As such feel free to down vote, leave hateful comments and criticize. I accept it all. Also to all German speakers out there please forgive the German parts they were made by Google translate.

Rated mature for some cursing and death.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-12-16 20:50:34 UTC

Triumph of the stupid

In his fortress of Wolf's lair Hitler sat planning his next offensive. Suddenly a massive explosion rocked the base. "Was zum Teufel!" Hitler shouted, getting up the see what happened.

As he approached the door it bust open and in stepped Gen. George S. Patton Jr. "All right Hitler you son of a bitch it's go time!!!" he shouted, running up and punching the führer in the face.

"NIEN!, mir jemand helfen!" Hitler exclaimed, as he flailed and desperately tried to get away.

"No helps coming asshole" Patton stated, as he continued to beat Hitler. "My boys have got all your goose stepping ninnies occupied. Which means your all mine you worthless maggot!!"

Patton pulled back for another blow, but before he could another explosion far more massive the the one before shook the earth. A beam dislodged from the ceiling hitting Patton, knocking him out cold.

"Ha ha, Ich gewinne." Hitler chuckled, as he ran outside.

Once he was outside Hitler saw a colossal image in the sky. It appeared to be a light pink horse like creature.

"Humans of Earth" the horse spoke, the voice seeming to resonate from within Hitler's head itself. "Rejoice for I, Princess Celestia have come to save you from yourselves. I have witnessed your kinds propensity for war and death, and in doing so I have generously decided intervene. I will free you from the likes of war, disease, famine, and hate and induct you into Equestria a land of friendship and magic. All you must do is forsake your humanity and free will and become ponies. I understand that some will disagree but this is for the greater good and not optional all humans will be converted. Already we have begun converting the soldiers we've found at the city you call Stalingrad, they resist but soon they will be one with us as will you all. Farewell."

As the image disappeared from a thousand thoughts raced through Hitler's mind until he came to a conclusion.

"Soldaten" he yelled to the men gathered outside taking a triumphant pose. "ich werde sie zu stoppen"

"Heil! Heil!"they all cried except for Patton's men who had no idea what he was saying.

"Aber zuerst" he said, still holding the pose. "Bringt mir frische Unterwäsche Ich habe meine Hose gekackt."

Twenty minutes later the ground split open and out stepped Mechaführer a two kilometer tall robotic Hitler in lederhosen. Mechaführer began to race toward the Soviet Union. In the cockpit Hitler was talking to Hermann Göring over the radio.

"mein Führer" Göring asked, "wo hast du das!"

"von der Doktor." Hitler responded

"Arzt, der?"

"Nur der Doktor."

A short time later a shimmering barrier came into view. When Mechaführer tried to pass through it it could not. When Mechaführer tried to punch it the blow just deflected off. Frustrated Mechaführer pulled out a giant Walther P38 and shot it, only for the bullet to bounce right off.

"heh heh heh" a voice laughed in Hitler" head, as an image of Princess Celestia appeared on the barrier. "Don't bother the barrier is impervious to all technology of man. Looks like your stuck out there."

In the cockpit Hitler just smirked hitting a button marked frau mode. Instantly Mechaführer's lederhosen transformed into a dirndl. Mechaführer then stepped through the barrier and continued on.

"Humph, clever" Celestia said." but it won't be enough my army will stop you."

"Wir werden sehen." Hitler stated.

Elsewhere  in Equestria Capt. Shinning Armor was giving a speech to his troops.

"Alright soldiers listen up," he shouts" This is Equestria, and this is sacred ground. You hear me? It was built for ponies, by ponies. Not for stinking lice-infested apes. The thought of some mutant monkey walking and fighting all over this fair land fills me with disgust. So this is how it's gonna be. We find it. We kill it. We cut its ugly head off and we ram it up..." He was interrupted by a rumble. He turned around and saw Mechaführer racing towards them. "...Buck."

In the throne room of Canterlot castle Princess Celestia and Princess Luna watched though a crystal ball as Mechaführer decimated their army.

"Well that didn't work." Celestia grumbles.

"You think?" Luna asked sarcastically.

"Well I guess there's only one thing left to do!" Celestia exclaims

"Oh no sister don't you d--" Luna starts shout before Celestia interrupts her.

""EH-NEEEK-CHOCK!!!" she shouts, growing to a gargantuan size destroying the castle and landing in the valley below.

"SISTER WHAT THE HELL!!! " Luna bellows in the royal canterlot voice. "WE JUST FINISHED PAYING FOR THAT CASTLE!!!

"Sorry Luna." Celestia shouts, racing toward Mechaführer's location.

Seeing Celestia approaching Mechaführer brings up his fists and shouts "Zeit, dieses zu beenden!"

"Tell me something I don't know." she says.

"Ich immer noch das Bett nass bis auf diesen Tag." he states

"Wow, that's disgusting but enough talk lets fight!!" she screams, running up to punch him. Mechaführer catches her hoof in his hand and punches her in the gut sending her flying back. Celestia takes flight and tries to dive bomb Mechaführer only for him to dodge at the last second causing her to crush into a mountain. Celestia gets up and begins to charge up a magic attack. "lets see you dodge this!" she yells, releasing a massive beam of energy.

Mechaführer puts up a energy shield blocking the blast.

" Oh come on! Where did you get a shield?" she asks

"Der doktor denkt an alles" he says smugly

Celestia responds by picking up a mountain and throwing it at him. He brings up the shield again and blocks the attack. When the dust clears he sees Celestia charging him again, he moves to block her only for her to disappear right in front of  him. Suddenly a blast of magic comes from behind him severing his left arm.

"Ha Ha fooled you." Celestia laughs.

Mechaführer whirls around roundhouse kicking her in the face knocking her to the ground. As she  gets up she lets out a bellow Mechaführer quickly rips off his ritterkreuz and throws it down her throat.

"Sieg!" he exclaims

"How does that mean you won?" Celestia asks incredulously

" Wegen meines Ritterkreuz ist eine Bombe." he says triumphantly.

"Oh son of a--" she starts before the bomb explodes, ripping her in two.

Mechaführer walks over pulling out his Walther to finish the job.

"You haven't won." she gasps out "you still must defeat my" she pauses to cough" my master. She is the one who convinced my to come to your world, her name is Chatoyance and she is beyond even you."

"Dann werde ich ihr auch zu besiegen." Mechaführer states, pointing the gun at her.

"Etwas kühl." he says pulling the trigger and killing her.

"CHATOYANCE!!!!" he screams to the sky "GESICHT MICH!!!!

"I shall." a voice responds

Down from a beam of light descends Chatoyance, landing atop a mountain.  Mechaführer  walks over to her looking down on the mountain.

"I see you have killed my faithful servant Celestia" Chatoyance says calmly " though I am saddened by her passing it matters not. The humans will still be converted, it is only..."

"Halt den Mund!!!" Mechaführer  yells, squashing her like a bug. As he did a rainbow shoots across both Equestria and Earth, making Hitler into a kind person and ending all wars on Earth. Luna suddenly appears before Mechaführer .

"Thank you Hitler." she says" By destroying Chatoyance you have broken the mind control spell she placed upon us, now we want nothing more then to live in peace with the humans.

"Ich möchte, dass auch" Hitler says

And so a golden age of peace and prosperity came about and Hitler was hailed as a hero the world over except for by Patton who shot him in the knee for not taking him to help fight Celestia.

THE   END