Humanity 101

by Dark Side of the Rainboom

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Sad, Other, Princess Luna, Comedy, Princess Celestia
Length: 4768

What happens when ponies have to learn about humans?

We've all seen humans learning about ponies, at nausea. But what about if a pony (or eight) have to learn about humans? Enter Dr. Alexander Dagenhart, an Anthropologist. Though, just call him Alex. How hard could it be?

AN: This was just an idea that was in my head for a while. Although really, it's just me dicking around. And in no way shape or form is this trying to rip off "Anthropology". Don't take it too seriously please. Also, I tried doing my best with the history I know without having to consult a textbook.

PS: Seriously? Still no "Normal" tag?

Published 2012-04-30 08:44:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-30 08:44:01 UTC

Humanity 101

“Alright, are we all seated?”

Professor Alexander Dagenhart, PhD, stood at a desk in the front of a somewhat small classroom. He was an anthropologist, and a world renowned one at that. He’d taught everywhere, from Oxford to Harvard. He went wherever he thought he could teach people about humanity. Now however, he was standing in a classroom, in an undisclosed location, teaching not people, but… ponies. The whole events leading up to this were somewhat foggy, and as a result all he remembers is that one pony, named Celestia, had approached him inquiring to see if he would teach a handful of her students about the human race. The professor was a little shocked, to say the least. Nevermind the fact that this mystical being had just walked up to him, but she wanted to know about humanity as a whole; the vast cultures and history of the human race is not a subject to be taught in one sitting. Regardless, sitting in front of him were eight ponies, including Celestia herself and her sister Luna (they however agreed to try and remain passive, deciding it best the other six be engaged and focused on instead of them), all- or at least some- eager to learn about his species.

“Uh Professor,” a purple unicorn spoke up.

“Please, call me Alex,”

“Okay… Alex. Uh what exactly are we going to be learning about?”

“I’m so glad you asked,” Alex started, “we are going to be learning about my species, the human race. Latin name Homo Sapiens, for wise man. We’re going to be covering mainly history and culture, as any scientific lessons could be catastrophic to your society if you’re exposed to the technology too early in you civilization. To cover all of history and all culture would be impossible for that lesson would take lifetimes so we will just touch on some things to give you all a general sense of humans and allow you to make a somewhat educated opinion about us. Now, before we start: any questions?”

“Yes, do I have to be here?” a prismatic maned Pegasus asked, but this was directed to the violet unicorn.

“Yes you do. Why? ‘Cause Ah have to,” a pony sporting a… Stetson? answered.

“Now girls, haven’t you ever wanted to learn about these humans? I mean, they seem so fascinating.”

“Rarity, I don’t mean to interrupt, but you hadn’t even heard about them until just a week ago,” a yellow Pegasus pointed out.

“Yes well I… Come now all of you, we’re here to support Twilight, even if we don’t like it.”

“I’m sitting right here you know,” the purple unicorn, now known as Twilight, butted in flatly.

“Well duh,” a pink pony with poofy hair said, jumping into the conversation, literally. “Honestly Twilight, even we’re smart enough to know that you’re sitting right there.”

“I mean… nevermind,” Twilight just seemed to deflate a little, looking a little more than tired, which is funny because the class hadn’t even started yet. However, Alex took this momentary lull in the conversation to take back over the class, which he still didn’t know how he lost control of.

“Ookay, any more questions? Yes, you in the ba- wait, who are you?”

A mint green unicorn (Alex was still going to have to get used to all these creatures that he until recently, thought mythical) had a hoof raised in the air, waving it back and forth in hopes of being called on. Ignoring the question and the looks of confused ponies she asked seriously in a rather straight face, “Are we going to be covering hands in this class?”

“What? Hands? I don’t know. No? Who are you? How did you get in here? I didn’t think anybody knew about this location.”

“Obviously she’s our cameo for this story,” the energetic pink one said.

Alex just stared back and forth between pink and green with a face that conveyed What? and it was a very good thing that he wasn’t near a wall because if he was, there was a very likely chance that his head would be bashing against it. What did I get myself into? Luckily an angle in the form of purple and violet came down from the heavens to relieve him of this stress.

“Lyra, I’ll send you a copy of the notes. Pinkie, can’t you see you’re frying the Professor’s brain?”

“Oh, cool, thanks Twilight,” and with that, the unicorn Lyra left.

“Oops, sorry Alex,” Pinkie (who would’ve guessed that was her name?) apologized.

“It’s okay. Anyway, where was I? Oh right: class dismissed!”

“But we haven’t even started yet…” the yellow one said.

Alex just stared though her as if he was trying to see if she was actually there.

“Really? …Crap.”

Actually, after all the drama of the beginning of the class, things were moving pretty well.

“And that’s the basic geography of the human planet of Earth. Any questions?”

As expected only one hoof shot in the air. “Yes Twilight?”

“Don’t you think it’s kind of interesting that both the planet we live on and the planet you live on are named the same?”

“Oh I can explain this one!” Pinkie blurted out. “It’s because Lau-

Excuse me ladies and gentlemen; I just need to butt in here for a second. There’s something that needs to be addressed. Pinkie? Yes you young lady, come here please.

“Yes?”
You have to stop doing that, you’re ruining my story.

“Doing what?”
Don’t try those adorable puppy dog, innocent tone, passive stance tactics with me because they… won’t… work… No wait, please Pinkie, stop breaking the fourth wall, I’m trying to write a decent story here.

“Oh all right.”
Thank you. Now back to the story.

-ren… I mean, I have no idea,” Pinkie finished.

“Okay...” Alex learned five minutes into the lecture to just not question that one, so he turned back to Twilight. “To answer your question Twilight, I do think it’s interesting, but that would fall under some profession or expertise that is not mine.

“Okay…” she said, not really liking that answer.

“W-wait, y-you mean you actually e-eat meat?” Fluttershy stuttered, turning paler with every passing minute.

“Well… yes,” Alex answered confused as to why that was so scary. “I mean, you can tell when an animal is carnivorous by their teeth. Humans, among other predators have canines,” he paused to smile, showing off his fangs for emphasis that prompted an eep from the yellow one and a collective shiver by the others, “we evolved like that because we eat meat. Why would you care? I know you as ponies are herbivores but certainly you must have carnivores or omnivores here in Equestria?”

“Certainly, but… Alex,” Twilight started, “they eat you know, fish and other ‘dumb’ animals. They don’t eat sheep or pigs or,” she grimaced, “cows.”

“Dumb?” Alex stopped to think, and when it occurred to him the light bulb could be seen from space, “Oh, you mean to say that in this universe those animals are… sentient?”

“Yes,” Fluttershy stated, cocking her head, “You mean to say they’re not in your universe?”

“No. As a matter of fact very few animals can even begin to compare to the intellectual capabilities of us humans.”

“Well, that’s arrogant. And that’s coming from me!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

Alex facepalmed then looked at the clock: they were only a half an hour in.

The rest of the lecture consisted of questions and answers that went something like:

“No Pinkie, the Boston Tea Party did not have a cake.”

“Yes Twilight, I do find it interesting that you and I can understand each other, and no I cannot explain that, as that would fall within your conundrums of philosophy.”

“No Fluttershy, the Beatles were not actual beetles, the Animals were not actual animals, and the Monkees were not actually monkeys. Yes, I know I said that humans were similar to monkeys but I meant that in evolutionary terms as we share common ancestry but do not in fact have many similarities to each other today.”

“Yes Rarity, jewels in my world are indeed a- ugh- rarity.”

“No Rainbow Dash, we cannot control the weather and yes, those ‘two ton hunks of metal’ can fly through the air even though they can’t flap their wings. I can explain it as I minored in physics in college but I will not because I do not think I could suffer another lesson.”

“Applejack, I swear to God- we will cover religion in a minute Twilight- if you ask me how many different kinds of apples there are on Earth one more time, I will show you just how strong human legs can be.”

“Okay…” Alex, as best as he was at being patient and as much as he loved answering questions and teaching other people and making the world a better place, was coming this close to having to smack a filly, “We will break for a few minutes to do whatever needs to be done. Does this world have a CVS? Because I need some aspirin.”

As the room emptied out, Luna, Celestia, and Alex stayed behind for a minute.

“Alex…” Celestia began.

“I know, I know, I should be more patient with them but-“

“No, actually, you’re being very patient with them, all things considered. I just wanted to thank you again for doing this. Especially since they’re making it very hard for you to maintain a professional attitude. Believe me though, they’re really good ponies, especially Twilight when it comes to learning. They can just be a little difficult sometimes.”

“Putting it lightly,” Luna interjected.

“Sister shush. Pay her no mind, she’s just unhappy that she can’t ask her questions.”

Alex was taken aback, “Nonsense! I won’t have anyone feeling left out if they have questions. So Princess Luna, if you have a question about something I said, then feel free to ask. That goes as well for you too Celestia.”

“Very well.”

“Yay!”

At this time the ponies were filing back in, ready for round two.

With a few minutes to take a breather, Alex was ready to tackle World Literature, and it was going pretty well too…

“Wait, who is John Galt?”

“Where do the grapes come in and why are they so angry?”

“The Art of War? Who in their right mind would find such a disgusting thing such as war cultural?”

“What’s so magical about a closet? Or bureau? Or whatever?”

“Wait, you mean to say that you don’t have Daring Doo on Earth?”

“This Hairy Potter sounds like he could use a trim.”

“That Ring does not know true magic. THIS IS TRUE MAGIC!!! Sorry sister… yes I remember our discussion on the Royal Canterlot Voice.”

“Wow! That ship sounds like fun! Infinite Probability? Awesome! …What does Infinite Probability mean?”

…until he asked for questions.

Alex looked at the clock: he just had to make it a couple more hours, and there was only one subject left. Looking at what he had to cover he contemplated trying to bolt out the back door. That probably wouldn’t work though, as there was no back door. He really didn’t want to cover this though, but no lesson on humanity would be complete without it: history. And not just bits and pieces, but a fair portion, known as the twentieth century.

“But Professor, why only cover a one hundred year period when you yourself said that humanity’s been around for thousands of years?”

“Because my dear student-“

(If you listen close enough at this part you can hear something in Celestia’s brain snap.)

“-many would argue that until this point in time human society was divided, and not really one true civilization on one planet, but rather just many different civilizations and societies on one planet. The telephone, a method by which we can communicate great distances in no time at all, while having already been invented, was not fully exploited until the turn of the twentieth century. The world was becoming connected with itself and humans went from being on different landmasses to being on one planet. Humans were always fighting each other and there was never a period of peace in the world. Countries rose and fell in a matter of years. The world was in a constant state of instability. The twentieth century, or the nineteen hundreds, more or less introduced a state of stability on the planet. Don’t get me wrong, wars were still fought and countries still fell but at a slower rate. Now my colleagues would argue this point, but I also believe that the nineteen hundreds also represented the best… and worst that humans had to offer.

“Spoiler alert: remember when I said that we would be skipping technology altogether? Well, we will be talking about various technologies and some of them in depth, so please, please, please do not use this knowledge to directly affect Equestria.” Pausing for breath and a drink of water, Alex was pleased that he had all of the ponies’ attention.

“Well, I guess we should start with Imperialism, as that will take us to the first major event of the twentieth century, The War to End All Wars.”

As Alex expected, each pony reacted to the first twenty years differently, while still sharing various basic ideas towards it…

“I’ll never eat mustard the same way again…” Pinkie Pie was just sitting there with a blank expression on her face, while Fluttershy was hiding behind Rainbow Dash, whose mane seemed to lose all its color, but whose eyes were on fire with rage.

“Those buckin’ Germanes, yeah Allies, kick their flanks!”

“Dash, I understand your anger towards all of this, but remember, and this goes for all of you: this is in the past. The people in the present who just happen to be of the same descent are not responsible for this, so do not hold them responsible,” Celestia said looking at Luna who looked back, smiling.

“Wait a minute though,” Twilight interrupted. She was too mortified at all of this, but while all of them were talking about the body count, she was thinking about what the conditions must have been like. That got her thinking about supplies and that lead her to wonder about what happened to everything after the war. “What about the aftermath of the war?”

Alex smiled, “Well, you see, after the war, people went home. After the Treaty of Versailles in 1918, Europe and the Americas, minus Germany, entered a period of economic prosperity. Germany however, had to pay off some very big war debts to the victorious Allies. These costs were met by the German government printing more money, but what happens then?”

“The money is worthless an’ the economy collapses,” Applejack answered. “What? Ah’m a businessmare, Ah have ta know these things,” she said, responding to all the stares she was getting.

“Exactly. This economic collapse, not to mention the land that was taken from them as part of the treaty that was theirs even before the war, planted seeds of contempt and hatred towards the Allied victors. For the next twelve years the economy boomed around the world… but then it all came crashing down…”

After explaining the Great Depression and everything that was done to try and fix it, Alex was interrupted by an unlikely pony.

“Dahling,” Rarity butted in, “something’s been bothering me. You said that conflict,” she shuddered, “that dreadful conflict, was called ‘The War to End All Wars’, do you mean to say that that was the last war ever?”

Alex smile sadly, “’History may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme,’” he said, laughing morbidly at his own joke. “You see, that was what the war was called, along with the Great War. But later on, it got a new name: World War I.”

Realization dawned in the white unicorn’s eyes, but it was Luna who asked cautiously, “Y-you don’t mean…?”

“Yes, the event that ended the Depression was none other than World War II…”

After having almost explained everything, everybody needed a break. Fluttershy had to be levitated out of the room for some air, after Alex briefly touched on the Holocaust. Pinkie Pie was in tears and her hair had completely deflated. Celestia and Luna just looked at each other, each secretly thanking the stars that nothing like that had ever happened in Equestria. Applejack, even with her cast iron will was currently trying to beat Rainbow Dash to the trashcan. Rarity was trying to comfort Pinkie, but it was hard to when she too was holding back tears. Even Twilight, the unicorn who wanted to know everything didn’t want to know any more.

Alex walked up to the Royal Sisters and sat down somberly. They all exchanged glances, but it was Celestia first that broke the silence.

“What happened after the Nazis were defeated?”

Twilight, out of some sick curiosity that she couldn’t explain gathered in close to listen. Alex walked back to his desk and pulled out an envelope.

“Well, as I told you, there was another enemy besides the Nazis. Those were the Japanese. War with them in the Pacific Theatre was going well, but not without a lot of bloodshed, and that was just trying to get to their mainland. The war was literally island to island fighting. Invasion would’ve cost a lot of casualties, so the United States looked for alternative ways to make the Japanese surrender, which was no easy feat because of their honor code that I told you about. This solution though, came in the form of a top secret military project, called the Manhattan Project…”

In that time, everypony came back into the room and Alex tried to explain what the Atomic Bomb could do, without explaining what it could do. He neglected to mention the radiation poisoning or the fallout of such a detonation, but he did tell them of its power.

“Why… why would humans do such horrible things? To actually and purposefully invent a weapon as destructful as that... why, that’s only asking for trouble.” Everypony in the room was thinking this, but it was Celestia who voiced their concern.

“’War never changes. Since the dawn of human kind, when our ancestors first discovered the killing power of rock and bone, blood has been spilled in the name of everything, from God to justice to simple, psychotic rage.’ You see, there’s no explanation for all of the things that we do, but simply Human Nature. It’s a dangerous thing, Human Nature, but I can’t really explain it too deeply. I am only showing you one aspect of humanity, its violent side. If you really wanted an in depth dissection of the human mind, you would need to consult a psychologist."

“Please, tell me that this war ended all other wars and changed humanity,” Twilight pleaded, though she already knew the answer.

“…No. This did not end all wars forever, if only it was that easy. But for the sake of everyone’s sanity I will not go into detail about any more wars in this lecture, but simply mention a couple and their effects on the world.”

“How many more were there?” Rainbow asked, dreading the answer.

“In this century, depending on who you asked, maybe, more or less...” Alex mumbled the rest.

“What was that?” Rarity spoke up.

“th…”

“Still can’t hear you,” Applejack said.

“…Thirty. After World War II.”

“…I think I’m going to be sick,” everypony said, simultaneously.

After the first half of the twentieth century, everypony just wanted the lecture to be over, but Alex promised happier stories from then on out…

“No! You’re focusing on the negative! After Martin Luther King Jr., things changed, for the better.”

“You mean after he was killed,” Rarity pointed out.

“Ugh…”

“But this great president who you kept claiming was responsible for the American Space Program, John Kennedy, he’s alive right?” Twilight asked.

“Well… no. He was assassinated about five years before MLK. Actually it’s kind of funny because by the twenty first century most of the Kennedy’s were dead.”

Everyone just looked at him with appalled looks on their faces.

“I didn’t mean funny ‘ha-ha’.”

“What about Gandhi? Surely such a great mind of wisdom would be heralded for his sage advice and deep philosophical ideals?”

“…Yeah… about that…”

“Seriously?!?”

This lecture had gone from bad to worse fast. Twilight was fascinated by the space program and really wanted to go to the moon… which Luna recommended as the lack of gravity makes for great fun. However, the general consensus was one of apprehension towards humans.

“You’re looking at it all wrong. Most humans are generally decent, hard-working people. It’s only the minority of people that are actually the violent ones,” Alex argued, trying to defend his species.

“Yes,” Luna countered, “the leaders that the majority of the people elected.”

Alex groaned. It was no point in trying to argue with these ponies, they were just too different too understand.

“And furthermore,” Twilight said, “you humans get entertainment from songs about drugs and sexual encounters and your humor is as tasteless as tofu. Who thinks swearing is funny? Or for that matter, people getting attacked violently. This cat simply wants to catch this mouse, but instead it gets blown up, lit on fire, and worse!”

Rainbow contemplated raising her hoof but thought better of it.

“You’re still not getting it… nevermind. Regardless, I would like for you all to maybe jot down a few thoughts on your ideas of humanity so I can see what people with such a different perspective of life think about humans.”

Ten minutes of pencils on paper later, Alex gathered up the papers from each pony to read aloud.

“Ahem, this one is from Rainbow Dash… humans suck… and that’s it… Not exactly what I was going for Rainbow.”

“Whatever, it’s true,” she said.

“Okay, who’s next? This is from Rarity. It reads: Dear Alex, while you yourself might believe humanity has good qualities about it; I just cannot seem to see them and furthermore cannot fathom why you are proud of being a human. Such warmongering creatures are sure to destroy the world you live on. Well that was…” narrow-minded, he thought, “an interesting take on us. Although I assure you, we do have many redeeming qualities; I do agree that sometimes they can be hard to see through the fire.”

Rarity simply nodded.

“OH! Read mine next!” Pinkie yelled.

“Alright then. This next one is from Pinkie. Hey Alex you wanna come stay in Equestria with us? We could have parties all the time and you wouldn’t have to go back to those other humans. I mean, who wants to hang out with them? They seem like no fun at all and I wouldn’t want to see you go back home and be bored or something. Oh yeah and I can bake you cupcakes whenever you want.” Alex arched an eyebrow at the last sentence. “As enticing as that offer is Pinkie, I’m afraid I’m going to have to decline. Thank you anyway though.”

“Okie dokie lokie.”

“This next one is from Applejack… and Fluttershy. Okay. Alex, Fluttershy and I decided it would be best to just write one letter. All she wanted to say was that she was curious as to the kind of animals on Earth and if you could tell her about some of them after this is over. As for me, I do not know why she would want to know more about your world, as it sounds pretty miserable. However, if you think it’s a good place to be then you’re seeing something I’m not. I’m just glad you’re not like some other people on your world. I also like some of the concepts of some of the governments. I always believed a mare is entitled to the sweat of her brow and in some places of your world they believe it too. So as far as I’m concerned, if there are others on your world like you like you said, then they’re alright with me, so long as they don’t try to hurt me or the ponies I care about. Thank you Applejack, that was very nice to read. And Fluttershy, I don’t know that much about other animals on Earth, but I would love to tell you all I know about them.”

“Oh, thank you,” Fluttershy said, speaking for the first time in a couple hours.

“Now then… okay, this next one is from Celestia, Luna, and Twilight… oh boy…”
Dear Alexander,

Princess Celestia writing. When I first discovered the human race, I was fascinated by them. However, that was an interest born out of not knowing anything about you. Now my fascination is rooted in how interesting you are as a whole. How can one species be so different? My little ponies are all bound by their personalities. They are kind and generous, honest (most of the time) and fun loving. All in all, they are more or less the same, and not in a bad way. You humans though, you literally have hundreds of different religions, thousands of different cultures, millions of different ideals, and they don’t all get along. It’s so diverse I just can’t help but wonder how it happened. Sure you may be violent, but that’s also a curiosity in and of itself; that one person can start wars while others aren’t even able to hurt flies. Your diversity is just so amazing. I would like to know more if possible.

Luna here. Alex, when my sister came to me talking of this species completely different from us that lived in a faraway world, I thought that her day had stressed her out just a little too much and suggested that she lay down for a while (I still think she should). However, when then stated that one of them was coming to Equestria, I just had to see for myself. I thought this was some sort of elaborate prank, but lo and behold, a human, come from a distant planet, in a galaxy far, far away, shows up and not only that, but is going to teach us about humans, well, I just had to know more! Now that I have learned about your species, I am afraid for you. I learned about all the wars and violence and death your species has endured, and I am afraid for your safety. You constantly build bigger and badder methods with which to destroy your species and I am afraid of what might befall you should things get out of hoof. I have been down that road of trying to dominate those around me and all that led to was destruction. Although, as my sister previously stated, I too would like to know more, but for me, I would only like to more about your kinder and more intellectual side.

Dear Professor, this is Twilight Sparkle writing. In case you haven’t figured out yet, I love learning. I love learning about everything, be it of great importance or petty matters, so when Celestia told me of a virtually untapped-by-ponykind well of knowledge in the form of a new species, why, I jumped at the opportunity to learn more. I can say with complete satisfaction that I have learned a lot. I know we’ve barely touched the surface, but I feel like I’ve learned more in this one day than in the last few months. That being said, I would also like to echo Luna in saying that I would love to learn more about you (meaning humans) but only as far as your academic side is concerned.
Signed,

Princess Luna, Princess Celestia, and Twilight Sparkle

Alex smiled, having read it silently and then reading it aloud. Looking around, he wondered, partly with fear, how he shaped the thoughts of a whole species towards another. Specifically, he wondered how he did on presenting humanity to ponies. He realized that now, should the knowledge of humans ever become widespread, these eight will be the ones to spread it. How would that affect Equestria’s thoughts and opinions? How can one species look at a completely different species and not wonder about them? Perhaps though, now is not the time to ponder that sort of thing. Alex looked at the clock and then looked each pony in the eye before looking to Fluttershy, who nodded. Grinning, he exclaimed,

“Class dismissed!”